Blair Witch 2 - Book of Shadows
October 18, 2011
(A movie poster and footage from “The Blair Witch Project” are now being shown)
NC (voiceover): Let’s talk about “The Blair Witch Project.” In 1999, this movie got a lot of hype for creating a lot of scares with a less-than-minimal budget. It was shot mostly on a video camera and starred three film students in the middle of the woods. Audiences even to this day are rather split about it. Some call it one of the scariest movies of all time, while others say it’s just a shaky-cam vomiting mess. Whatever people’s thoughts, there’s no denying it had a huge impact. Not only did the movie make a ton of money, but it also inspired the home video horror genre. You know, films like “Cloverfield,” “The Last Exorcism” and of course, “Paranormal Activity”; all of them pulling off big Hollywood scares with a home video touch. Well, just a mere one year later after the film’s release, Artisan [Entertainment] came along and said…
NC: “Hey! If they made a bundle with little money and clever ideas, surely, we can do the opposite with a sequel! (Beat) Well, too bad; that’s what we’re doing.”
(The title screen for “Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): You know those direct-to-DVD sequels? Well, this is one of those direct-to-garbage-can sequels. It looks so rushed, so half-assed, and so having little to do with the original, that you’d swear they took a totally different movie and just slapped the words “Blair Witch 2” on it!
NC: You know, something like…
(Photoshopped images of the following movie posters are shown with the words “Blair Witch 2” posted near the titles)
NC (voiceover): “The Departed: Blair Witch 2,” “Alien vs. Predator: Blair Witch 2,” or “Toy Story 2: Blair Witch 2”!
NC: So, let’s see how desperate they were to get this piece of shit out there, this is “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2”!
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So we start off with—(Text for the opening prologue fades in) Oh, God, I hate these. (The following text is shown: “The following is a fictionalized re-enactment of events that occurred after the release of The Blair Witch Project.”) (He speaks sarcastically) Yes, I guess it really happened. Wow. (Normal voice) Funny, I thought I saw one of the…
(A clip of Heather Donahue’s guest appearance on the Late Late Show is shown)
NC (voiceover): …original actors on the Late Late Show the other night, but hey, (speaks in a spooky manner sarcastically) maybe it was her ghooossssttt.
(Back to the movie, more text for the prologue appears as the following: “It is based on public records, local Maryland TV broadcasts and hundreds of hours of taped interviews. To protect the privacy of certain individuals, some names have been changed.”)
NC (voiceover): Uh-huh. So it’s a fictionalized event based on a real-life event that was always a fictionalized event. Gah, I have a headache just for reading the credits.
(The next title card is shown with the following text: “Summer, 1999…” before we transition into an opening for a TV news broadcast)
NC (voiceover): We start off with some news footage showing how the Blair Witch Project was also a movie in this world. However, they stand by the fact that it was entirely real.
Jay Leno: Critics have called it one of the scariest films of all time…
(TV static transition)
Conan O’Brien: I was terrified.
Andy Richter: Oh, it-it scared me to death.
(TV static transition)
Roger Ebert: Three documentary filmmakers headed into the Black Hills forests of Maryland…
(TV static transition)
Chester A. Bum: OH, MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
(TV static transition)
Chuck Scarborough: So now, Blair Witch fans are not only flocking to the multiplex, they’re flooding a little town of Burkittsville, Maryland.
(TV static transition)
Bruce (a Burkittsville resident): (NC adds in the subtitle “(Obvious Friggin’ Actor)” under him) People have…started coming to Burkittsville as if it were Charles Manson’s The Spahn Ranch or Ed Gein the serial killer’s house to visit.
NC (voiceover): So while you might think this is a goddamn commercial for the first film again, the actual story does get rolling. (Beat) Sort of.
(A title card labeled “One year earlier…” is shown)
NC (voiceover): Okay, now I guess it’s one year earlier from summer 1999, I guess, as we see…um…doctors performing college pranks on their patients?
(Several doctors attempt to insert a tube up an unconscious male patient’s nose before we get the subtitle “Burkitt County Psychiatric Center”)
NC (voiceover): Uh…(chuckles nervously)…not that I don’t trust a psychiatric center where the doctors smoke and pour egg drop soup in what I can only describe as a nostril bong, but quite frankly, I think I’d be safer in the hands of Doctor Howard, Doctor Fine and Doctor Howard! (A brief black-and-white clip from a “Three Stooges” short featuring the title characters are shown)
(Cut to another male patient sitting motionless before raising a fist and pounding it downward)
Male Patient: ENOUGH!!
(The title card “Autumn, 1999…” is shown next)
NC (voiceover): (sighs) Again? So we jump one year ahead from one year earlier plus one season ahead, though it’s one year earlier from when the movie was released. (The subtitle “Monday, November 15, 1999” is shown)
NC: Pay attention; there’s a fucking quiz later!
NC (voiceover): So we see a kid locked up in an interrogation room where the sheriff wants to have a few words with him.
Interrogation Officer: We found blood in the van.
(The young man (who’ll be identified as Jeff) raises his head to recall the past events before we get a transition of a camouflage van driving out on the highway; on the side of the van, there’s a label that says: “Blair Witch-Hunt; Tours By Appointment Only; www.blairwitch-hunt.com”)
Tristen: Could you turn that down just a hair?
NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, ANOTHER FLASHBACK?! We’re not even 10 minutes in, and already, this movie’s more confusing than “Memento”!
(Another subtitle labeled “Friday, November 12, 1999” is shown at the bottom of the screen as we see only three young adults (two men and one woman) riding inside the van)
NC (voiceover): Oh, don’t even bother with the dates any more. The people who actually cared enough to do the math are crying in the corner shooting blood out their ears!
Jeff: Wicc it (“Wicked”) good.
NC (voiceover): So it turns out the Blair Witch tour’s on the way. This calls for some despicably forced dialogue introducing our characters.
Jeff: (speaks into a speakerphone, serving as a tour guide) Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mr. Stephen Ryan Parker. Apparently, he’s here researching a book with his girlfriend.
Tristen: “Blair Witch History or Hysteria.”
Erica: (pops up from the back seat of the van) We’ve always been misunderstood. We embrace nature.
Jeff: Thank you, Erica. Not only a hottie, but a real witch!
Erica: Blessed be.
Jeff: Oh, Wiccan.
NC (voiceover): So we have two pretentious authors, a pretentious Wiccan, a pretentious filmmaker, and of course, their mangy dog. (An animated image of Scooby-Doo is inserted in between Stephen and Jeff)
NC (voiceover): Well, thank God, their last pick-up isn’t the least bit pretentious—(The group walks through a cemetery to find another young woman, a goth chick named Kim, lying on her back on a stone grave while smoking a cigarette; NC laughs softly to himself) Oh, my God. I’m just gonna take a guess and say somebody in the script wants attention.
Jeff: (to Kim) Want a hand?
Kim: I want amphetamines.
Jeff: Weed is what I’ve got, beer I’m gonna get.
Kim: Both. Now.
NC (voiceover): So Cheech and Chong’s Blair Witch tour keeps on moving as they drop by a grocery store.
Kim: Hell of a town you got here. What century are they living in?
NC: (mocks Kim while wearing goth eyeliner and dark lipstick) God. Freaks.
NC (voiceover): They get their stuff together and get ready to head out into the woods.
Tristen: What’s up with all this camera stuff?
Jeff: To record all occult phenomena that may manifest itself in the course of the tour.
Kim: Damn, you’re really running Bullshit Central, aren’t you?
Goth Kid #1 (from “South Park”): Everyone’s just walking around like a bunch of conformists. Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make $34,000 a year and buy a condominium. They’re all zombies racing to their graves.
Kim: (to Tristen) So how far along are you?
Tristen: What do you mean?
Kim: The baby. How many weeks?
Tristen: (stops to look at Kim) Six. How’d you know?
Kim: I don’t know.
NC (voiceover): So apparently, when enough mascara leaks into your brain, you get psychic powers? Actually, that sort of makes sense the more I think about it. (A few images of certain people are shown quickly (EDITOR’S NOTE: Need the names of these people))
Erica: (concocts some kind of spell in a small dish) In peace, release the energy that be from my magic.
Tristen: You’re casting some kind of evil spell?
Erica: Communing with Elly Kedward.
Tristen: The Blair Witch? I thought you embraced nature, not evil.
Erica: No, you don’t understand. Elly…was a good witch.
NC: Oh, shit, now you’ve forced me to play this.
Glinda (from “The Wizard of Oz”): Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
NC: You’re gift-wrapping these jokes for me, you know!
Erica: She was an earth child, like me. She’s gonna be my mentor. (She lies on her back on the leafy ground) To shed my mortal coil…and commune with Elly.
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Bitch, what you on? I mean, seriously, you’re starting to make this chick (Kim) look like the sensible one.
Tristen: You make her sound helpless. Can’t witches summon powerful energy?
Erica: We can…but we still have to eat, shit, and die like the rest of you. We just look good doing it.
NC: Okay, now you can either acknowledge this for the self-indulgent needy bullshit that it is, or you can be quirkily enchanted by some whimsically drawn in by what she says—(We see Tristen smile as though enchanted) God, you’re falling for it.
Erica: We just look good doing it. (Tristan smiles)
NC: (mocks Tristan by grinning with a goofy laugh) Witches are cute. (He makes another goofy laugh)
NC (voiceover): So, as is typical of any well-paid tour guide, he (Jeff) whips out the weed and alcohol, and they party like it’s 1999.
Erica: Try some more weed.
Stephen: The Bermuda Triangle. It’s a place in the world that’s been created by hysteria…
NC (voiceover): Okay, how is it the editing and camerawork is actually…
(Cut to footage from “The Blair Witch Project”)
NC (voiceover): …WORSE THAN THE OTHER MOVIE?! I mean, that was three kids with a camcorder. They had an excuse.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): This? This is a MOVIE; an actual MOVIE. And yet, they’re terrified for some reason to hold on the same image for more than four seconds! The movie’s not gonna eat you if you hold that extra five!
Erica: Okay, this whole Blair Witch thing set us back 300 years. We’re back in the burning times. It just totally fucked up our image.
Kim: Erica, people fear what they don’t understand. You got to realize that.
Goth Kid #2 (from “South Park”): Life is pain. Life is only pain. We’re only taught to believe in happy fairytale endings. But there’s only blackness.
Erica: No shit. People think that I drink blood, that I sacrifice children, that I worship the devil just because I’m a Wiccan.
Kim: Where I come from, people think because I dress in black, that I’m some kind of sick killer or something.
NC: No, because you dress in black, we think you’re pretentiously hilarious.
(Cut to another young film crew suddenly intruding the group, scaring them as a guy films them)
Filmmaker #1: Burkittsville’s funniest home videos!
Erica: (quickly turns the filming camera away from her) You scared the shit out of me, man!
NC (voiceover): But it turns out another group of idiots comes waltzing their way.
Filmmaker #1: We’ve got a tour group, the Blair Witch Walk. What’s your excuse?
Jeff: Tour group, the Blair Witch-Hunt.
Filmmaker #2: We have jurisdiction here. We have permits.
Jeff: Oh, yeah? From Cravens? Bullshit, let me see ‘em.
Filmmaker #2: They’re in the car.
Jeff and Erica: BULLSHIT!
(Cut to a clip from “Monty Python’s Life of Brian”)
CFG Head: We thought of it before you.
Man: Did not! We did!
(Everyone bickers and argues)
(Back to the movie)
German Woman: (speaks in German with English subtitles to her group) Listen up…I didn’t come all the way from Berlin to look at some old trees.
NC (voiceover): BERLIN? You came all the way from BERLIN to see this?? Don’t they have crappy sequels out there, too? And what’s with the whole “You didn’t come out here just to look at some trees” thing? Did you SEE the first movie?? (Cut briefly to footage from “Blair Witch Project” on footage of trees) For 20 minutes, I thought the Blair Witch was the grass!
(Back to the movie, the other film crew starts to leave)
Filmmaker #2: (to our heroes) Next time, take the Blair Witch Walk, alright?
Jeff: Next time, take the Blair Witch-Hunt. (He hands a business card to one of the filmmakers) Here’s my card. Call me. I’m on the web.
NC (voiceover): So the other group heads out while our heroes continue to act like jackasses.
(A fast-paced sequence of our heroes partying, drinking and smoking weed is shown with a rock-and-roll song playing in the background)
NC (voiceover): I will give this scene credit. It really does capture what it’s like to be the only sober person at a party. (Beat) And increasingly hating the company that you’ve surrounded yourself with.
(The fast-paced sequence continues on for a bit)
NC (voiceover): So the author (Tristen) has a dream that she walks into a pond and drowns her baby…
NC: …It’s always pleasant.
NC (voiceover): When they wake up the next morning and find what I assume is the shredded remains of “Blair Witch 3.”
Stephen: (is in disbelief) This is my work. This is all my research. We must have fallen asleep.
Jeff: Asleep? It’s like we must have blacked out!
NC (voiceover): I don’t even get it. Somebody ripped it apart and then…snowed it on them? Gah, that’s so like in high school when a bully used to tear up my homework and then grounded it into transparent fog. (A couple Photoshopped images of such a scenario is shown)
NC: Some people are so abstractly inconsiderate.
Kim: At least the tapes are still here.
Kim: The tapes. They’re here.
Jeff: Well, where?
Kim: In my mind, I see them.
NC: (mocks Kim by wearing eyeliner as fake advertising text surrounds him) And for two dollars a minute, I can tell you more. (The fake advertisement texts say: “Go Ahead and Call, I Already Know You’re Going to”; “Only $2.00 per min.”; and “Psychic Goth Hotline 1-900-555-PSYCHE”)
Kim: (goes to point in a spot close to their area) They’re there.
(The group goes to the spot, and Jeff digs out some video tapes from under a leaf pile)
Erica: Jesus Christ.
Jeff: (to Kim) How did you know?
Kim: I don’t know.
Jeff: Did you put them there? DID YOU?!
Erica: Jeff, are they your tapes?
Jeff: (yells into Erica’s face) Yeah, they are my goddamn tapes!
NC: Excuse me, I’m not done (mocks Jeff’s anger) YELLING AT RANDOM!!
NC (voiceover): But it looks like the author is in the process of having a miscarriage…
NC: Again…very pleasant.
NC (voiceover): …and seems to be seeing strange images while at the hospital.
(At the hospital, a nurse pulls back a curtain, revealing a ghostly young girl, and it walks away backward in rapid motion, disappearing altogether)
Cartman (from “South Park”): (audio, sings) I will do the German dance for you / It’s fun and gay and tra la la…
(Cut to strange images of murder and glass shattering over someone’s head being shown before cutting back to the hospital scene)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. They cut endlessly to the sacrificing of these people that we don’t see yet. They don’t tie into what’s going on at the moment, like…at all. They just show it out of nowhere completely at random and then cut back to the movie like nothing’s happened. Sometimes it’s just a microsecond, like look at this scene from earlier.
(In an earlier scene, the Blair Witch-Hunt van drives through the woods)
Kim: Man, I hear voices all the time.
(Sudden cut to a young man getting beaten to death on the head before we cut back to the group unloading their stuff from the van)
NC (voiceover): You see? What did that have to do with anything? What did that add? Even if it’s a scene from another part of the movie, they don’t work it in very well. Imagine if “[Teenage Mutant] Ninja Turtles” started showing scenes from the climax throughout the movie.
Shredder (from the 1990 film “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” dubbed by NC): (addresses toward a large crowd of young teens) You are here because the outside world—(Sudden cut to a clip of the turtles fighting; Shredder turns his head in reaction) What was that? (There is silence among the group of teens) Okay… You are here because the outside world—(A quick clip of Michelangelo shouting “Turtle!” is shown; Shredder turns his head in reaction) Huh? (There is still silence among the group of teens) Anyway…This is your family. I…am your father—(A quick clip of Raphael attacking a Foot Clan member is shown) Okay, seriously, nobody saw that at all? (He sighs) Okay, where was I? (to himself) “You are here because the outside world rejects you.” Oh, yeah. (to the crowd) This is your family. I—(A quick clip of Raphael fighting the Foot Clan is shown) TELL ME YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT! NOTHING? ANY OF YOU? Okay, fuck it. Bathroom’s to your left. We’re fighting turtles.
(Back to the movie)
Stephen: (consoles Tristen, who is lying in the hospital bed) How are you feeling?
Tristen: (speaks softly) I’m not staying here.
(Cut to the van driving down a dirt road through the woods)
NC (voiceover): So…yeah, the miscarriage sucks. Let’s connect it as little as we can to the rest of the story.
Kim: (to Jeff) I thought we were going to your house.
Jeff: (points to an abandoned broom factory) Yeah. RFD 431 Jericho Mills, home.
NC (voiceover): The filmmaker takes them to his living place, which is actually a pretty freaking cool setup.
Jeff: Well, it was a factory just after the Civil War. They were gonna tear it down, but I talked them into selling it to me for a buck.
NC (voiceover): A buck? They sold you a Civil War factory for a BUCK? It makes no sense! Who the hell would put together such a ridiculous deal?!
Gil (from “The Simpsons”): (is on the phone) Please, you got to help old Gil. What’s it gonna take to keep you on the phone? Dance for you? But you wouldn’t even see it. (He starts dancing in place) Alright, I’m a-dancing. (He hums while dancing)
Jeff: (films what’s going on inside the factory) You’re walking into the official Blair store. We’ve got Parr ruins foundation dirt, that’s a big item. I sell that. T-shirts…
Erica: This is what the Wiccan religion needs, Jeff. More capitalism based on fear and lies. I mean, do you really think it’s fair to, like, exploit our culture, just to sell a bunch of stick-figure key chains?
NC (voiceover): Okay, I have no idea how the Wicca culture works or want to step on anyone’s beliefs, BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP!! GOD, this chick is annoying! She’s like the earth-child version of Jessie from “Saved By the Bell”! (An image of Jessie is shown briefly) Keep it in church or…nature or…just keep the camera off of her!
(Later that night, Stephan senses something suspicious and goes to unlock the front door; we hear barking dogs when he has his back turned while going outside)
Stephen: Shut up. (After turning around, he sees the same ghost girl Tristen saw earlier, and it walks away backwards on the bridge before disappearing)
Cartman (from “South Park”): (audio, sings) Would you like some sauerkraut, German boy, German boy? Would you like some sauerkraut—
(Stephen quickly turns to open the front door, but after quickly turning around to look behind himself, he sees that the bridge is empty, all except the sound of barking dogs; cut to him back inside and shutting the door)
NC (voiceover): So he just…forgets about the creepy girl that he just saw outside and tries to make his girlfriend feel better, all while battling the continuing terror of choppy flashbacks.
Stephen: (offers Tristen her pills, which she refuses) Come on, take them!
(Cut back to the interrogation scene)
Interrogation Officer: (to Stephen) You’re not making a believer out of me, son.
Stephen: (sobs) It was an accident. I swear to Christ.
NC: (laughs) Is it wrong to say it really cracks me up the way he says “I swear to Christ”?
Stephen: (sobs) I swear to Christ.
NC: (mocks Stephen) I swear to Christ!
Stephen: I swear to Christ.
NC (voiceover): It sort of sounds like he’s turning into Miss Piggy, doesn’t it?
Stephen: (audio, dubbed over a clip of Miss Piggy from “The Muppet Studio”) I swear to Christ.
(Back to the broom factory scene)
NC (voiceover): But more strangeness occurs as they (Erica and Jeff) play the video footage back.
Jeff: You see that? Oh, wait. Look. Time code goes from 1:32 AM…to 3:57 AM…back to 1:32 AM.
NC (voiceover): Oh, gee. Is it annoying and frustrating when the time code just jumps around like that? Well, now you know how the FUCKING AUDIENCE FEELS! So while they continue to analyze the footage, Erica and Steve have a wiccan (“wicked”) good time in the back.
Erica: (moves around Stephen and kisses all over his neck) How does that feel?
NC (voiceover): Ah, nothing like the good old “My girlfriend just had a miscarriage, and now I want to fuck a reject from ‘The Craft’” rebound.
NC: It’s becoming more popular.
(Erica suddenly digs her fingers down Stephen’s chest, revealing that she has left deep bleeding cuts in him; sudden cut to Stephen lifting his head up in reaction before we see that he and Erica sit across from each other at a long table, and he looks down to see that he’s his normal self)
NC (voiceover): Or did they?
Kim: (off-screen, calls from upstairs) Guys, want to come up here?
NC (voiceover): The flying fuck was that scene about?! Gah, this better make fucking sense later, or else…I’m gonna yell about it!
Erica: (observes the footage Jeff is analyzing) This was last night?
Kim: Yeah; during the big blackout.
NC (voiceover): So they look at the footage and see an image of Erica dancing around naked.
Erica: If this is a joke…it ain’t funny.
NC (voiceover): Wow, she really is Jessie from “Saved By the Bell.” Super pretentious, over-the-top, AND she made the transition into horrible striptease.
Erica: I didn’t do that.
Stephen: Erica, that’s you right there on the screen.
Erica: Leave me the hell alone, all of you! (She quickly leaves the room)
NC (voiceover): Hey, that’s nothing. You should see the footage of me when I’m drunk.
(Cut to a scenario of NC appearing on the floor, drunk and without wearing a shirt, parodying David Hasselhoff’s infamous drunken stupor video)
David Hasselhoff’s Daughter: (audio) Tell me you promise not to take any alcohol. Tell me right now. Tell me right now you’ll stop drinking.
NC: (goes for a hamburger on a plate and takes a bite out of it) I’ll be fine.
David Hassellhoff’s Daughter: (audio) Tell me you’re gonna stop drinking.
NC: I’ll be fine.
David Hassellhoff’s Daughter: (audio) Tell me right now.
NC: (spits out his food while shouting) FINE!
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So while they’re trying to figure out what’s going on, the goth chick goes to the store where the EXACT SAME PEOPLE ARE! Oh, my God, do they ever leave the store?? You can’t keep cheating up-skirt shots forever there, grandpa!
(Kim brings over a case of beer bottles and places it on the counter, waiting for the cashier to ring it up; the cashier simply looks up at Kim while chewing her gum and does nothing)
Kim: Am I gonna have a problem with you, too?
NC (voiceover): So the cashier refuses to ring her up, so the goth chick takes it by force.
Cashier: Get the hell out of here!
(Kim quickly grasps at the cashier’s neck threateningly)
Kim: You touch me again, and I will rip out your goddamn throat! (After letting go, she tosses some cash at the cashier) Keep your motherfucking change. (She takes her bag full of groceries and leaves)
Chester A. Bum: (audio, off-screen) Did she say “change”? I’ll take that!
(Back at the factory, Erica performs a séance on the floor with candles surrounding her)
Erica: Persephone, do I invoke.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Erica starts going crazy because she doesn’t remember dancing around like a…moon-whore, or whatever she called it.
Erica: Persephone, I invoke… by earth and fire and water and smoke! Persephone, I invoke… (We see that Jeff is watching all this from video surveillance cameras and taking a sip of his coffee) by earth and fire and water and smoke! Persephone, I invoke…by earth and fire and water and smoke! Persephone, I invoke… (She breaks down into a sob)
Jessie (from “Saved By the Bell”): (sings) I’m so excited! I’m so excited!
NC (voiceover): But early the next morning, they look outside and find their van is totally destroyed.
Jeff: (to Kim) What the hell did you do to my van? You said you just busted up the front end a little!
Kim: I swear it was just the front fender.
NC (voiceover): So…the Blair Witch is actually Bigfoot from Monster Truck Rally? (Footage of a monster truck driving over some cars is shown briefly) God, that would be freaking awesome! (Back to the movie) Other strange things start happening, like how they all discover that they have scars on their bodies in the shape of Wicca symbols. Can’t believe we didn’t notice those before.
Kim: Where is Erica?
(Stephen enters the room Erica slept in)
Stephen: Erica? (He sees that Erica isn’t there)
(Kim enters the room Erica had her séance in earlier)
(The camera pans down to show the clothes Erica had worn earlier, lying on the middle of the floor)
(Cut to the sound of an owl hooting outside the factory before it flies through a glass window)
NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, it’s a classic case of drive-by hooting!
(Stephen, Kim and Jeff go over to look at the now-dead owl lying on the floor)
Owl (from a “Tootsie Pop” commercial): (audio) Three.
(Jeff looks up to see the open hole the owl left in the window)
NC (voiceover): So, aside from the owl crashing, the miscarriage and the totally insane hysterical visions, I have to admit this is a pretty good tour. But it’s not over yet, as they hear even more crazy sounds, waiting for them outside.
(Stephen looks outside to see a nude woman dancing outside, and he quickly leaves to head outside)
NC (voiceover): (as Stephen) Naked chick! Don’t come after me.
(Barking dogs are heard as Stephen is outside and sees almost-nude Erica standing at the other end of the bridge)
Erica: You know who it is.
Erica: And you know what you have to do. (She runs off)
Stephen: ERICA! (The bridge collapses from under him, but he grabs onto the railing)
NC (voiceover): So the bridge breaks, but the boyfriend makes it out okay. We then cut to the author inside, who—(Tristen is seen spinning herself around repeatedly on her bed; NC laughs) Okay. Are we really supposed to take this seriously with that going on? I mean, you can tell that we’re supposed to laugh at that, right?
(The clip of Tristen spinning around on the bed is shown again, this time with an audio clip of Homer Simpson making whooping noises dubbed over her)
NC (voiceover): But you think that’s weird? Remember the bridge that just broke a second ago? It’s back up! And look! A bunch of dogs barking at the house! (Jeff raises a shotgun to aim at the barking dogs at the bridge) Oh, I’ll show those damn little—(Sudden cut to the dogs not being on the bridge) WHAAAA?! Okay, I’ll give this film credit that I have absolutely no idea what the batfuck is going on, but all I gotta say is it had better be building up to something. A good something!
(Cut to Jeff finding Erica with her back turned in a closet; turning her around, it’s revealed that she is now dead, staring back at him; he screams and moves back in fright)
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey, Erica’s dead.
NC: Aw, what a shame. I never got to use my Witch Hazel clip.
(A clip of Witch Hazel (from a Looney Tunes cartoon) laughing in delight is shown)
NC (voiceover): So as things get crazier and crazier, the goth chick has—what else?—a crazy idea.
Kim: We need to take the tapes. We need to run them backwards.
Kim: I-I don’t know. I think it’s gonna help us find out what happened to Erica.
NC (voiceover): So by running the footage backwards—funny, ‘cause the time code says it’s going forward—that…somehow shows what happened after they blacked out.
(In the footage, everyone has stripped off most of their clothing before we see Kim and Erica kiss each other; everyone goes crazy as Stephen throws his research papers into the air; Stephen is next seen having sex with Erica from behind)
NC (voiceover): It just looks like your everyday reenactment of “Caligula,” but it seems like the author is the ring leader, commanding them to cut themselves and do her bidding. But of course, they don’t remember any of it and think she’s to blame because of the video footage.
(Tristen fights away from Stephen’s clutches before she flips off at him while Jeff is filming with his camera)
NC: (shrugs in confusion) Rude.
Tristen: (starts to tie a noose around her neck) This is what you want.
NC (voiceover): Um…stop her?
Stephen: Tristen, whatever you’re doing, don’t.
Tristen: I’m not doing anything, honey. Is all up to you!
Kim: Why did you kill Erica?
Tristen: (sniffs closely on Kim) You wanna kill me? You can, can’t you, Kimmy? (She touches Kim on the chest)
Kim: I will rip your fucking head off!
Tristen: Then fucking do it!
Stephen: Stop it!
NC (voiceover): Stop it! If we overact any more, our skulls are gonna pop out of our faces!
Tristen: (to Stephen) You have no balls. You can’t do it, can you? You can’t do it…
Stephen: NO! (He pushes Tristen away in a moment of rage, causing her to hang by the neck and die)
NC (voiceover): And with that, they suddenly get their memories back that they actually killed the other tour group that night they blacked out. Okay, fine. Why did you have to cut to that all throughout the movie?
NC: Or maybe they didn’t and a ghost was in the editing room. (He waves his hands around while making a spooky noise) Oooooooh!
(Cut to a news broadcast of our heroes being led outside for their arrest)
Dina Napoli (a news reporter): Just a few miles from the town of Burkittsville where just hours ago, police arrested three obsessed movie fans who allegedly committed a series of ritualistic murders after watching last summer’s blockbuster movie “The Blair Witch Project.”
NC (voiceover): Unlike fans who saw the sequel who would simply commit suicide.
(Cut to the interrogation room)
Sheriff Ronald Cravens: (to Jeff) I had your video tapes slapped together over at Montgomery College.
Jeff: Great. You could see how fucking insane Tristen was.
Stephen: Watch the tapes. You’ll see.
NC (voiceover): So as the sheriff questions them, we finally see the quote-unquote “twist ending” this movie has.
(Security footage shows Kim at the grocery store brutally attacking the cashier)
NC (voiceover): That’s right. They were killing the people the whole time, and they didn’t even know it. Tour group, the woman at the counter, Erica, even the author, it turns out, was never taunting them at all.
Stephen (in the video footage): (to Tristen) Confess.
Tristen (in the video footage): (sobs) Please stop.
Stephen (in the video footage): CONFESS!
Tristen (in the footage): (sobs) Stop it.
Stephen (in the footage): Say the words.
Tristen (in the footage): (sobs) Oh, God, Stephen, don’t! Please!
Stephen (in the footage): NO! (He shoves Tristen off before she unintentionally hangs herself and dies; he turns to the camera and sighs) Fucking witch.
NC: (as Stephen, talking like a Valley girl) Ch’yah, can’t believe we were gonna have a baby, huh.
Stephen: This is wrong. Somebody fucked with this tape! SOMEBODY FUCKED WITH THAT TAPE! THAT TAPE IS WRONG! THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT!
(Sudden cut to black before fading in on the end credits)
NC (voiceover): And, believe it or not, that’s where it ends, folks; Right there. Okay, well, all in all, the more I think about it, I think they actually wrapped up all the questions pretty well. Oh, except, uh, was that the Blair Witch who was behind it the whole time? Did that “Twin Peaks” girl (the ghost girl) have anything to do with it? Oh, and what about the author? Was she possessed or behind it at all? Actually, whoever it was, what was the motive? Why kill all these people? Were they under a spell or just crazy? I mean, we know that this guy (Jeff) was crazy because he was in a mental institution (The patient having the tube placed up his nose); in fact, what was up with that opening with the pouring of the mucus into his nose? They never explained that. Hey, how come they saw crazy images sometimes and then didn’t at other times? Was there ever a rhyme or reason to it, or did they just do it out of nowhere? For that matter, how do we know the video footage is really what we’re seeing? I mean, is that really what happened, or did the ghost or witch or whatever it is play with that, too? We saw clearly he can mess with the footage. Speaking of which, why was the footage only playable when being played backwards? I mean, even then, how did they see the snippets of it when they were playing it forward? Oh, yeah, and did they ever explain why the goth chick was psychic? (He speaks sarcastically) That was a thrilling backstory, wasn’t it? I’m so glad they had that in the movie; that was essential to the plot! (He starts to get angry) Hey, is there any chance that you can explain why you were cutting to those bits of those people being murdered out of nowhere?! Did it add anything to the story? Did it create any suspense? Now that I think about it, from a storytelling point of view…
(An image for the “Blair Witch 2” movie poster is shown)
NC (voiceover): WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE FUCKING BLAIR WITCH? A CONNECTION, IF THERE IS ONE AT ALL, IS BARELY MADE! In fact, wait a minute. (He does a close-up on the movie poster’s title) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE BOOK OF SHADOWS?!
(Back to the movie footage)
NC (voiceover): Did they ever mention that in the movie?! Where the hell was that the title? They never talk about it! WE NEVER EVEN SEE IT! DON’T YOU THINK MAYBE THE TITLE OF YOUR MOVIE SHOULD GODDAMN HAVE SOMETHING WELL FUCK SHIT DAMN TO DO WITH YOUR MOVIE? IT’S NEVER EXPLAINED!
NC: Hey, you know, come to think about it, THIS MOVIE IS BUTT-ASS!
(A montage of clips from the movie plays as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): It makes no sense. The characters are obnoxious, the editing is beyond annoying; it’s just a crazy, stupid, half-assed sequel. The idea of doing a sequel based around the phenomenon of Blair Witch is kind of clever. Maybe you can make fun of the commercialism and marketing and such, but they never do. Maybe if they got someone like Wes Craven to handle it, someone who sort of mixes satire with the traditional horror clichés; you know, like with “Scream” or “New Nightmare.” But this…this is just ungodly dumb! It really pisses you off at how much they don’t explain or don’t explain very well! It’s just a pain in my freakin’ haunted ass!
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. Pumpkin juice. (Beat) Why did I say that? BECAUSE IT MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH GODDAMN SENSE AS THIS FUCKING ENDING! (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Stephen: (sobs) I swear to Christ.