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Bloodrayne

NostalgiaCritic-NostalgiaCriticBloodrayne171

Released
July 15, 2014
Running Time
31:17
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(We start off today's episode in the Nostalgia Critic's room as he holds a Netflix envelope, wondering whether he should open it or not. Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers appear at his sides)

Malcolm: Hey Critic. What are you looking at?

NC: My next movie review called Bloodrayne.

Tamara: Pretty bad, I take it?

NC: It's an Uwe Boll movie.

Malcolm: Uwe Boll? Aren't his films so bad they cause people to bash their heads in with a sledgehammer?

NC: Uh-huh.

Tamara: After jumping out of a plane?

NC: Yup.

Malcolm: After blowing up an airport?

NC: That's right.

Tamara: After crashing a car filled with explosives doused in gasoline while shooting a semi-automatic while going into oncoming traffic while singing "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy?"

NC: Twice.

Malcolm: Well, I can see why you don't want to review it.

NC: *sigh* It's not the only reason. You see, whenever I do an Uwe Boll movie, there's a...tradition.

Tamara: Tradition?

NC: It's a long story. I can take care of it myself.

(Tamara and Malcolm leave. The Critic sighs, then goes to open the envelope. We then cut to Linkara starting an episode)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Sometimes a comic comes along where you just have-- (NC opens the envelope, making Linkara stop.) It's time.

(He runs out of the house like a bullet! NC's about to take the disk out when we cut to Noah Antwiler, the Spoony One, doing a review on Final Fantasy Unlimited)

Spoony: Of course, there was a Final Fantasy anime, and, of course, it sucked. But even after the first episode--

(NC takes the disk sleeve out, making Spoony sense it in the air as well before flying through the roof, then through the skies. NC takes the disk out of the sleeve as Linkara dashes down the street. NC looks at the disk, then heads towards the living room. Spoony's flying through the sky. Just as NC enters the living room, a crash is heard as Spoony comes in through the roof while Linkara comes in through the door)

NC: Christ, you guys are so dramatic.

(Spoony just notices Linkara and is startled. With that, we get to an opening like the Three Stooges, this one called "The Three Shmuckheads Review Bloodrayne. We pan up on a picture of Uwe Boll)

NC (vo): Uwe Boll, the most faithful movie adaptor of video games since the directing team behind (poster of) Super Mario Bros, (clips of the movie play) returns with what many consider his crowning achievement of shit: Bloodrayne.

Spoony (vo): The movie, based on the classic video game--And by based, I mean more gangbanged and mutilated than a Game of Thrones character--once again demonstrates Boll's talent, if you can call it that, for cutting more corners than a paper snowflake.

Linkara (vo): And if you thought Twilight was the worst disservice to vampires the world has ever known...it is, but this one's pretty bad, too.

NC: So, let's not waste any time, this is--

Linkara: (interrupting) Ah-da-da, Critic! Oh, we have something we need to address first. The elephant in the room, which, of course, is him! (pointing at Spoony)

Spoony: Wh-what did I do?

Linkara: Oh, you know exactly what you did! It happened a few years ago! The drama that was caused! Everything that happened on Twitter, on Facebook, on everything like that! The betrayal of everything that we stand for! Roll the clip! (The clip in question is of the Alone in the Dark review. The camera zooms in on Spoony's shirt which says Castleton) (vo) You never went to Castleton! *drama chord!*

Spoony: I dropped out, okay?

NC: This is Bloodrayne. (He smacks Linkara's hand away)

(The movie's logo pops up during the opening titles)

Spoony: (vo): Dude, do we have to censor the lettering? Those two o's are looking pretty phallic. (the o's in the logo are censored out since the logo makes it look phallic)

NC: Hey, if the Aliens logo could get away with an I-gina (showing the logo for Aliens), I think we can let that pass.

(During the opening credits, it says "Special appearance by Billy Zane")

Linkara (vo): I wonder if the word "special" is code for blackmailed.

NC (vo): I just assume most of Billy Zane's career is blackmail.

(The scene is set in a medieval town)

Spoony (vo): We open up in...actually, I don't know. They never give a location or a time period, so that's already two of the basic (the words WHERE and WHEN are crossed out over WHY, WHAT and WHO) five essential story elements ignored. (WHY is also crossed out) Hell, let's just throw in WHY in there, too, as I'm sure most of the film will ignore that, as we see a team of wanderers led by Michael Madsen and his lion mane mullet. The main thing I notice throughout this movie is it just seems like Michael Madsen is drunk off his ass through the entire film shoot. Seriously, he just looks so drunk and miserable like they had to send a grip to his trailer and clean him up in a hurry, slap that ratty ass wig on his head, and maybe get a couple useable takes out of him.

Vladmir (Michael Madsen): How long do you think it will take to get there? / We must go back to Brimstone. / This is what I've decided to do. / Monastery has been attacked, and the Eye is gone.

Spoony (vo): You can almost sense the grip just off camera with a Long Island iced tea waiting for the scene to end and for him to shamble over and take another drink.

Vladmir: What do you have for us?

Bartender: I think I may have found something of interest.

Linkara (vo): But one of them notices that the person next to him has little to reflect on.

(Sebastian (Matthew Davis) is sitting at the bar when someone comes up next to him. The mirror shows he has no reflection, meaning he's a vampire. Sebastian stakes the vampire in the heart, killing him as the vampire rapidly decomposes)

Bartender: Heh. I like you Brimstone people. You never make a mess of the place.

Vladmir: What have you heard?

(The guys are confused)

Bartender: What might only be a tall tale--

NC: Moving on, I guess?

Linkara: Nobody even batted an eye.

Spoony: Is this like an everyday thing?

NC (vo): When did killing a vampire become yesterday's news?

Linkara (vo): Yeah, I don't care where or when you are--And then again, neither does Uwe Boll--but killing a vampire will never be a boring thing!

(Cinema Snob comes in and joins the gang, hands covered in blood)

CS: Guys, guys! Holy shit, you won't believe it! I just killed a vampire!

Spoony: Was it a Nazi vampire?

CS: Well, technically, no, but...

NC: Oh, please, Cinema Snob. Everybody knows that Nazi vampires are all the rage now.

Linkara: Yeah, what you did is like the Bing search engine of vampire killings.

CS: But he killed a family of six!

Spoony: (snobbish voice) Go away, Cinema Snob. I can't even stand to look at you.

(The three of them turn their heads away from him)

CS: Okay... I guess I can drop his clothes off at the Goodwill or something.

Spoony: You do that.

(Linkara waves him off)

NC: Noob.

NC (vo): We then cut to a carnival where a half-human, half-vampire named Rayne, played by Kristanna Loken, is dragged out as a sideshow attraction.

Barker: So sensitive to water! (One of the carnival workers restrains Rayne as the barker puts Rayne's arm into a barrel of water) The very touch of it...(Rayne's arm is placed into the water, burning it like it was acid) burns her skin!

Linkara: Wait a minute, was that holy water?

NC: Nope.

Linkara: Then how the hell did it burn her?

NC: Oh-ho-ho-ho, Linkara. This is the Stephanie Meyer age of vampires.

NC (vo): You can make up anything! If you wanna say water hurts them even though it's not blessed, it's okay now!

Spoony (vo): Yeah, if you wanna say they in no way can fly, turn into bats or do most of the cool things vampires can do, that's okay now, too!

Linkara (vo): (Rayne getting her arm dunked in water) Oh, I see. And if people travel for miles to see one as an attraction, (Sebastian stabbing the vampire in the bar) yet nobody turns their head when one is stabbed and violently decomposes in front of their eyes...

NC and Spoony: It's totally okay!

Linkara: Now I know! And knowing makes it even more confusing.

(The guys are confused as a singer shouts UWE BOLL! to the tune of GI Joe)

Spoony (vo): But one of the other attractions, the Amazing Candle Slicer, takes a liking to Rayne and dreams of living in a better world with her.

Performer: My uncle, he's a sailor. And he once told me of a place where people play all day, and the trees grow fruits in every color of the rainbow, and the sunsets set the whole sky on fire.

(Cut to a clip from Strike Commando)

Mike Ransom: They got tons of popcorn there. There's cotton candy, mountains of it. And chocolate milk that maltens.

(Cut to a clip from Of Mice and Men)

George: We'll have a field of alfalfa.

Lennie: For the rabbits!

(Cut to a clip from Gamera vs. Guiron)

Kid: (Badly Dubbed as a women) Without war & traffic accidents for the sake of the human being

(Cuts back to the film)

Performer: Doesn't it sound wonderful, Rayne?

NC (vo): We then cut to her...escaping? Wait, when did that happen?

(Rayne screams out and we're back to Rayne sleeping in bed)

Linkara (vo): Ah, I guess she was just dreaming.

NC (vo): Does she always dream in Photoshop smears?

(The same worker that restrained her is looking to have some fun with Rayne. She reaches for a glass bottle and smashes it over his head)

Spoony (vo): Yeah, I'd need to be drunk to get through this movie, too.

(Rayne then bites the man's throat)

Linkara (vo): Wait a minute, now she's back in the field. What the hell's going on? Is this a dream, a flashback, what? Frank Miller's timecodes are more fluid than this!

Spoony (vo): The three hunters come across the carnival where Rayne was and discover it's burnt to the ground.

Sebastian: This is the work of a young vampire.

Vladmir: We have work to do.

(The two of them begin decapitating Rayne's victims)

NC (vo): Um, thank you for chopping off the heads of our dead people. (The bodies are doused in oil, then set on fire) And then burning their bodies.

Performer: She didn't mean to bite me!

(The girl is then stabbed)

NC (vo): And stabbing our performers. I'm sorry, have you been helped?

Spoony (vo): Seriously, do these people ever react to anything? Why does nobody care that these whackos are chopping up their dead and living cast members?

Linkara (vo): Just another fad gone passé, I guess.

(Cinema Snob comes back in, now having his face covered in blood)

CS: Guys, guys! I just decapitated twenty corpses and stabbed an injured woman through the chest. No reason, really! I'm just kinda sick!

Spoony: Were they ninja decapitated corpses?

CS: I didn't ask what their martial arts background was.

NC: Oh, Snob. Everyone knows if there's decapitated corpses we're talking about, it's NINJA decapitated corpses?

Linkara: Does this guy ever wake up?

Spoony: They sneak without thought, man!

CS: But I have a thirst for blood that can't be quenched!

Spoony: (snob voice) Away with you, Snob. You become more dated with every passing view.

(The guys turn their heads away from him)

CS: Why won't someone help me?!

(Linkara pushes him off the couch)

Linkara (vo): Meanwhile, at Castle Brownfilter, we see Billy Zane dictating a letter to his daughter.

Elrich (Billy Zane): "Although we've had our differences in the past, I beseech you now to put away old grudges for the good of all humanity. Together we will stop this madness and bring peace to these lands. Your beloved father, et cetera et cetera."

NC (vo): (as Elrich) And if you have any information about how to get this dead skunk off my head, it would be most appreciated.

Elrich: What do you think?

Scribe: A very compelling argument, Master.

Elrich: Oh, you're such a suck-up.

NC: Bottom line. Lovejoy...

(Clip from Titanic on the bottom as the guys mimic the line)

Caledon: Find her.

Spoony (vo): His daughter in this film is played by Michelle Rodriguez, and if you couldn't tell by her unbelievable resemblance to him (a picture of her is placed next to Elrich), surely you could tell by her pitch-perfect, completely unmistakable British accent.

(All of her lines are in a Hispanic accent)

Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez): We'll be opening up the gates to the thralls. / Grave importance. / You should not travel with her. / You're growing weaker. / I seek to feel secure. / Be sure this message arrives.

Linkara (vo): Ah, it's good to know those years of the (Picture of Bert from Mary Poppins) Dick Van Dyke School of Accents paid off.

Katarin: You'll secure the entrance until I return.

Bert: Uh, I-I have to be moving along, the mayor's got a stuffed-up chimney.

NC (vo): We see Rayne enter a village where she comes across a female vampire hitting on a man... which clearly Rayne takes as she would find her attractive and beckons her to come forwards.

(Rayne is about to kiss the vampire, but then feeds on her)

Guys (vo): Bow-chika-wow-OW!

Spoony (vo): But a fortune teller sees the bit and run and decides, for really no reason whatsoever, to tell her the future.

Fortune teller: Most believe that your kind are merely legends. Part vampire, part human. Generally they're exterminated. You've hidden well.

Linkara (vo): (as the fortune teller) Yes, you've been displayed in front of dozens of people and killed off an entire carnival singlehandedly. You're better than Solid Snaaake.

Rayne: There was a man.

Fortune teller: Kagan? Kagan's not a man, he's a vampire, and you are his creation.

Rayne: He killed my mother.

Fortune teller: Dhampirs are rarely a product of a happy union between a vampire and a human?

Rayne: You lie.

NC (vo): So you mean your vampire father killing your mother was a happy union?

Linkara (vo): Boy, somebody's in denial.

(We cut to a scene of Spoony dressed as a Fortune teller as he deals out tarot cards to Tamara dressed as Rayne)

Fortune Spoony: Your father is evil.

Rayne: No, he just likes to drink the blood of Catholic nuns.

Fortune Spoony: He was mean to your mother.

Rayne: What man wouldn't disembowel his wife for spilling the sugar?

Fortune Spoony: You like to watch the Pawn Stars.

Rayne: That is a lie! It is so obviously scripted. Who could be as stupid as Chumlee? You are a fraud. A fraud!

(The next person sitting down is Cinema Snob, still covered in blood)

CS: It's getting worse. I just bit the neck of a prostitute and no one seems to notice.

Fortune Spoony: Was it a zombie prostitute?

CS: What the Hell is wrong with everyone?!

Linkara (vo): Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, we see Ben Kingsley, presumably paying off an LED TV, as Rayne's evil father. He's just been told that Rayne is off to get a magic eye. (a magic eye picture appears in the corner) Sure, which is said to help get his attention. Oh, look, a sailboat.

Kagan (Ben Kingsley): Kill her. Let her get the eye or let her try, then kill her.

NC (vo): Something you'll notice very quickly is that Kingsley's scenes are phenomenally short. Some barely even reach a minute. They're so short, I think he literally charged by the second. You could pretty much sum up every scene with... (as Domastir) Are you evil? (as Kagan) Yep. (as Domastir) Just checking.

(UWE BOLL! The guys are still just as confused)

Spoony (vo): Rayne then makes her way to the monastery where the Eye is said to be hidden. She finds a secret location which leads her to a door guarded by an overcooked Fester Addams.

(Rayne tries to get the cross around the guard's neck with one of her swords, but he wakes up, reaches for his hammer and swings it at her)

Linkara (vo): Look out! You nearly hit the camera!

Spoony (vo): Good.

(Rayne avoids the guard swinging his hammer at her which destroys the pillars and ground when it hits)

NC (vo): Is this really the best security they could get? Just because he looks like a melting candle of Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't mean his whack-a-mole method holds any water.

(Rayne kicks him in the chest, takes the guard's spiked hammer and sweeps him to the floor before swinging it into his head, killing him)

Spoony (vo): Ohh, Hodor.

(Rayne takes the cross and uses it to open the door to the next room)

Linkara (vo): Next, she enters a booby-trapped room that makes Indiana Jones look like a true life drama.

(Rayne steps into the room and several spinning blades sweep across the room so fast)

NC (vo): God, they got the security system from Itchy & Scratchy!

(Rayne tosses her sword across the room to trigger the blades again, though now it has Woody Woodpecker and Daffy Duck bouncing in the room. She then somersaults through the blades to the other side of the room)

Spoony (vo): Yeah, right! I think we all know what would happen to her.

(The scene plays again, only for all of Rayne to come apart, followed by a buzzer as the word BULLSHIT! appears. Water begins leaking out of the walls)

NC (vo): But the dangerous water is suddenly released--yeah, that's still a thing--as she absorbs the power of the Eye which makes her immune to it.

(Rayne was hanging on the ceiling to get away from the water until the case it was in drops.)

Linkara (vo): Activating the water trap for the device that makes you immune to the...water...trap.

(Rayne drops down onto the floor and finds that water can no longer hurt her)

Spoony (vo): Hey, here's an obvious question. What if the person getting the Eye wasn't a vampire? I mean, okay, the whole "vampires melt in water" thing is stupid already, but what if it wasn't a vampire that got it, though? What if it was just a normal guy? Would the water really be that big a threat?

(We cut to Malcolm dressed as Indiana Jones in a treasure room holding a crown)

Evil voice: You have stolen the forbidden treasure. Now face the ultimate torture.

(NC and Linkara come in flicking water at Malcolm with their fingers)

Malcolm: Huh. That's mildly annoying. Can you get my pits?

(NC and Linkara sigh as Malcolm lifts his arms up)

NC (vo): But all the water, all the buzzsaws and all the giant guards are no match for their final defense: a polite man who nicely asks her to come with him.

Monk (Udo Kier): I suggest you follow me.

(The guys shriek in terror! Spoony and Linkara hide behind NC)

Spoony: Hold me!

Monk: It seems that you absorbed the Eye.

Rayne: Why do you protect it?

Monk: Because the Eye holds powers. Why do you think water no longer burns you?

Linkara (vo): Still wondering how it hurts her to begin with!

Linkara: The human body is 60% water, and blood is 80% water! Now how the hell--

NC: No, no, no, no, Linkara. You're thinking too hard about this. Just let it go.

Linkara: B-but it just doesn't add up!

Spoony: Just keep telling yourself it's Uwe Boll, man. (He then does some breathing exercises) It's Uwe Boll. In, it's Uwe Boll. Crap.

Monk: They all belong to a long dead vampire named Belial. He discovered a method to defy those elements that could destroy vampires.

NC (vo): So it's explained that the Eye and three other separated body parts belonged to a vampire who tried to perfect their weaknesses, and that if the body parts were all brought back together, it would make the most powerful vampire ever.

Linkara (vo): One, if he ever managed to pull this off, then how the hell did he ever die? Two, if they're so powerful, why didn't they just destroy the damn things to begin with?

Linkara: This movie is driving me crazy!

Spoony: Oh, come on, Linkara, you gotta calm down now. Remember what we talked about. Uwe Boll. In out, Uwe Boll.

(Linkara can't take it anymore!)

Linkara: ADAMANTIUM RAGE!!

(He then punches Spoony in the face!)

Spoony: (holding his face) Ooww! Oh, crap!

Linkara: (calmer) Ah, that did make me feel better, actually.

Spoony: My sinus cavities!

(A big fight ensues outside the monastery as people from both Kagan's army and the monks are killed violently)

Spoony (vo): But Kagan's men attack in probably the bloodiest and yet somehow not actually gory fight scene in movie history. The make-up is so fake and poorly photographed that it's barely worth the R rating. (One man gets sliced in half, yet his legs are still standing up) Look at this guy. He's cut in half but you can clearly see his legs standing up. (an arrow points to the legs)

NC (vo): Well, you don't know. Maybe Wallace made him a new pair of extra legs like in The Wrong Trousers. (a picture of said movie appears in the corner)

Linkara (vo): Half of these don't even look that pained to be stabbed. They just look kind of annoyed like they've been in the make-up chair for eight hours and just want this crap off.

(One of the monks fights a vampire, only to get a sword through his mouth and out his head)

Linkara (vo): (as monk) Ow, I guess.

(The lead monk is brought before Domastir)

Domastir: Where is the Eye?

(The monk remains silent, even as he's stabbed in the heart, killing him)

Spoony (vo): Perhaps killing you will get you to answer my question!

(Domastir punches Rayne out and carries her over his shoulder)

NC (vo): Rayne gets knocked out, but that's of little consequence as we have more important things to focus on. Like hey, it's been ten minutes. Time for another five second Ben Kingsley cameo.

(A woman is brought before Kagan)

Kagan: Come closer. (The woman nervously approaches Kagan) Don't be afraid.

(He then bares his fangs and feeds on the girl)

Linkara (vo): Yeah, all he's gonna do is rip open your neck and feed on your insides. I can see why Rayne thought her mother and him had a happy union.

Spoony (vo): And just when you think this is the most pointless celebrity cameo, take a look at who they got to play the owner of the vampire feeding house.

Leonid (Meat Loaf): Why do you come here and insult my palace with your...stench?

NC and Linkara: Is that Meat Loaf?

Spoony: Yep.

Linkara: Wearing a (vo) 19th century powdered wig?

Spoony: Yep.

NC: Surrounded by (vo) whores and giving a performance more over-the-top than a kabuki pole vaulter?

Spoony (vo): Yep.

Leonid: Ha ha, ha ha ha ha! The mightiest...of all...vampires.

NC: Oh, my God!

Linkara: This is comedy overload!

(Meanwhile, Spoony's already reaching for something behind him)

NC: We need time to get all our jokes together! Pen, paper! (Spoony gives the pens and paper. NC is giggling as the guys start writing their own jokes) We'll be right back! We just need time to get all these jokes out and organized!

(Linkara whispers one to NC as he giggles before we go to commercial break)

(We come back from commercial break with NC still giggling before composing himself)

NC: Okay, so we have had plenty of time to put together our Meat Loaf jar. (He pulls up a jar that says "Meatloaf Jokes") So let's shake this up and see what we can get!

(The guys shake it up before the guys pull out paper)

NC: "Ladies and gentlemen, Wolfgang Amadeus Meat Loaf!"

Spoony: "How is it he managed to find a role even more demeaning than Bitch Tits?" (A picture of Meat Loaf as Bob in Fight Club appears in the corner)

Linkara: "Suddenly his role in Spice World is looking like a step up!"

NC: "Just because you did wear women's clothing in Rocky Horror doesn't mean you have a perfectly good excuse to wear it here!"

Spoony: "We know you're prostituting yourself to be in this movie, but you didn't have to make it quite so obvious!"

Linkara: "It's midnight at the Lost And Pray-to-God Not Found."

Spoony: "This movie sucks!"

(NC looks at him)

NC: Could've used a lot more imagination on that one, come on.

Spoony: We were reaching the end of the break! I panicked!

Linkara: "Actually, they were just buying the clothes. It just so happened Meat Loaf came with them."

NC: "A Meat Loaf a day keeps the subtlety away!"

Spoony: "I still like this movie better than 'To Catch A Yeti.'"

Linkara: And finally...

(To the tune of "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)")

Guys: (singing) I would do anything for Boll, but I will not act!

NC: Thank you! Thank you! (The guys accept the cheers of the audience as roses are thrown at them before he realizes something) How did you get in here?

Spoony: Wait...

Linkara (vo): But (singing) Three Little Wigs from school are we (normal) break in and try to bust her out. They, of course, have to fight off some dangerous foes.

(The hunters cut someone down. One of the vampires attacks, but Vladmir turns him around)

NC (vo): Woop, let's turn you around, buddy. There you go. (Vladmir pushes him into Sebastian, who kills him)

Spoony (vo): They cut off the guards and break open the window to make Meat Loaf face everything under the sun.

(Rayne pulls a blanket over her body to shield herself from the sun while Leonid gets the full blast, burning him to ashes as he screams out)

NC (vo): Oh, how nice, he did the Colossus yell before he died.

(A different sound is added to Leonid's death cry)

Linkara (vo): So Rayne explains her backstory, which was already explained, about how Kagan broke in and killed her mother.

(A young Rayne watches as Kagan forces his mother onto the bed, going in for the kill)

NC (vo): (as Kagan) Hey, come on, I'm Gandhi. Don't you wanna say you got with Gandhi?

Spoony (vo): One of the hunters in particular, named Sebastian, takes sympathy on her as his parents were killed, too.

Rayne: My mother was killed before my own eyes.

Sebastian: My mother and father were both killed.

(Suddenly out of nowhere, Sebastian and Rayne start having sex)

Linkara (vo): Well, that's enough for me to start banging.

NC (vo): Wait a minute, what?

Linkara (vo): Yep. The fact that they both have dead parents is reason enough to make vampire whoopie.

NC (vo): How much screen time have they shared together?

Linkara (vo): Well, let's see...(a fast forward of the scene leading up to the sex is shown before popping up with a caption saying "1 Minute") a minute.

NC (vo): One minute together and they're fucking in a cage like horny canaries?

Linkara (vo): Yep.

NC (vo): Where the hell did that come from?! That makes no freaking sense!

Spoony (vo): Oh, please, who hasn't just met a person in jail, talked for only a minute, confessed his parents are dead and humped each other's brains out in the middle of a half-open prison door?

(NC and Linkara look at Spoony)

Spoony: Speaking hypothetically.

Linkara (vo): So as they train her to be a member of the Brimstone Warriors, Billy Zane gets word of his daughter's actions. Hey, here's a fun game. Count how many times Billy Zane blinks in every scene.

(Elrich is talking to Domastir)

Elrich: This land has become unsettled (missed it by the blink). It must be held in their hand and vampire perfected. There's an invitation by the way.

Spoony (vo): That's nothing. Count how many times Michael Madsen pauses in between every single line.

(Vladmir is speaking to Katarin)

Vladmir: You're an important part of the Brimstone Society. (pause) Your work (pause) in defending the fortress (pause) is essential to our struggle and survival. (pause) And no one (pause) has ever questioned that. (pause) But you (pause) are our leader (pause) and Rayne is a fighter. (pause) I will take Sebastian (pause) if it pleases you.

Spoony: Jesus! You're making (picture of) William Shatner look like the (picture of) Micro Machines guy!

NC (vo): As our heroes go to get weapons for battle. (Rayne pulls out two brand new swords) Nothing but the best plastic, non-sharp Toys R Us can buy.

Linkara: (suddenly holding the dvd for Suburban Knights) Who would use plastic swords in the middle of a battle? (he notices the dvd in his hand) Huh. How'd this get in my hands?

NC (vo): We see Rodriguez has betrayed her clan and leads Kagan's army into their village.

Katarin: Bargain for freedom. We'll leave your children motherless as a Brimstone martyr.

Woman: Never!

(She draws her sword, but Katarin quickly stabs her in the gut)

NC (vo): (as the woman who got stabbed.) Oh, my bad. I thought we were doing a slo-mo scene. Maybe I should've pulled that out at regular speed.

(Katarin is trying to get away from Rayne, but she gets bitten by Rayne and killed)

Spoony (vo): Rayne goes after Rodriguez alone and defeats her while finding the other magic talisman.

NC (vo): She finally rides to confront Kagan. And what's her ingenious plan to get in without getting herself captured?

Domastir: Take her.

NC (vo): Getting herself captured.

(NC is confused)

NC: Feel like she missed a step there.

Spoony (vo): But it's okay, because Mullet 1 and Mullet 2 have an even better plan to get in without getting themselves captured... getting themselves captured.

Linkara: Has the film just given up? Not that it tried that hard to begin with.

(Rayne is placed on a sacrificial altar)

NC (vo): So Rayne is gonna be sacrificed with the talismans to make Kagan the strongest vampire in the world or some shit like that. Honestly, if you still care, you should up the dosage of whatever you're taking.

(A priest brings a knife towards Rayne, but she bites his hand)

Priest: Savage!

(He slams Rayne's head down on the altar, only to get backhanded by Kagan)

Linkara (vo): (as Kagan) How dare you strike my daughter who I'm about to kill!

Spoony (vo): So this is when Michael Madsen does the weakest and stupidest attempt at the "guard sick man" routine I've ever seen in my life.

Vladmir: Thrall. My companion is gone. I don't know what's become of him.

Spoony (vo): So the guy just walks in there looking for the magic disappearing prisoner and, of course, he gets knocked out. This delivery is so bad, I can't even tell if it's done intentionally badly or not. It's amazing. How could anyone possibly believe a line so poorly delivered?

Vladmir: My companion is gone. I don't know what's become of him.

Spoony (vo): (as Vladmir) Guard, these pretzels are making me thirsty. I don't know how I could've gotten so hungry.

(Vladmir and Sebastian burst into the cathedral slicing through vampires)

Linkara (vo): Sure enough, the two guys that got captured taking on all the castle guards suddenly have no problem taking on the exact same guards again.

NC (vo): Hey, it's Uwe Boll. I'm surprised they cared enough to do it right in the first place.

Linkara (vo): Well, I guess Madsen felt the same. He gets captured, killed, and following the theme of the movie, couldn't give a rat's ass! (Kagan walks up to Vladmir and stabs him through the heart, while Vladmir shows no expression at all) My God, man, you're being stabbed! Don't you care?!

Spoony (vo): It's like he's barely awake!

NC (vo): What would it take to get an actual emotion out of this guy?!

(Cut to Linkara dressed as Michael Madsen as Vladmir looking bored. A sword pokes him a couple times, but he doesn't budge. He gets shot once, then several more times, but still no emotion. An anvil drops off his head and slides off, still nothing. He even gets blown up, making his face smudged, but he just takes a swig from a flask)

Madsen: Are we done?

Spoony (vo): After Sebastian gets stabbed as well, and it's down to Rayne and Kagan to duke it out in a swordfight with more dialogue than Monkey Island fencing.

Kagan: You're strong, Rayne, but not skilled enough.

Rayne: I will choose death over seeing you as my master. (I may not have gotten that line right)

Kagan: You're interfering with fate. Vampires should rule the earth.

Rayne: As if your interests are noble.

NC: "I am rubber, you are glue."

Linkara: "Sticks and stones may break my bones."

Spoony: I never did it in prison! (The guys look at him with WTF faces) I'm just saying, it...never happened. (He turns away in shame)

Kagan: For centuries we've been cursed in the shadows, slaughtered by the fearful.

Rayne: You condemned me the day you raped my mother.

(Rayne slices Kagan at both sides with her blades)

Kagan: Ungrateful bitch.

(The guys are confused)

NC: ...Touché?

Linkara: Ungrateful for what?

Spoony: ...Fuck you!

Linkara (vo): Rayne finally defeats him and the battle is won. (bored) Yay.

(Kagan is staked in the heart and rolls onto the floor, decomposing)

Spoony (vo): (as Ben Kingsley) This role still had more dignity...than the Mandarin.

(Rayne comes over to a dying Sebastian)

Rayne: Please...please, you don't have to leave me.

Sebastian: It's my time. Kagan's finished.

NC (vo): (as Rayne) But we had so much. Dead parents, jail door fucking.

Linkara (vo): And then a bizarre ending, even for Uwe Boll. Rayne takes the throne and thinks of all the time blood has been spilt in the movie.

(We get a slo-mo collage of all the violence in the movie, especially when it comes to gushing blood)

Spoony (vo): It does make me realize how many people apparently had red hoses buried in their bodies.

(More violence is shown)

NC (vo): Yes, we have a minimum of one minute for romantic chemistry, a whopping couple of seconds for most of the villains' establishments, and yet over four minutes (A caption saying "4 MINUTES" appears on screen) of replaying all the film's goriest moments in slo-mo that we already saw before!

Linkara (vo): At least he has his priorities straight?

(Rayne smiles at the camera, then rides off into the distance, no longer weakened by sunlight)

Spoony (vo): We hope you see now why you should never leave your kids around Uwe Boll.

NC: As if this movie already wasn't proof enough.

(Clips of the movie play as they give the closing summary)

NC (vo): If the SyFy movie of the week is too good for you, then Uwe Boll is the one for you. Everybody else knows that his movies bite it, and this one is no exception.

Linkara (vo): His characters are flat, his writing ridiculous, and his stories never make any semblance of sense!

Spoony (vo): And the fact that it has little to nothing to do with the original source material makes it one of the most laughably bad adaptations ever. What else can you say but...

Guys: This movie sucks! (Linkara acts like he's saying "This comic sucks," but realizes he's not holding anything)

NC: Well, thank you guys so much with helping me for another Uwe Boll review.

Linkara: No problem.

Spoony: My pleasure!

NC: Now get out!

(Spoony and Linkara get off the couch)

Spoony: Fine.

Linkara: Why don't you just fly away?

Spoony: I can only do it once.

(NC heads back into his reviewing room. Malcolm and Tamara appear next to him)

Malcolm: See? Was that so bad?

NC: No, it was worse.

Tamara: Well, what are you gonna do now?

NC: I'm just going to sit here and stare forward thinking about the review I just watched, hoping to trick people into thinking I'm more artsy than I really am.

Malcolm: All right.

Tamara: Whatever does it for you.

(The two leave as NC stares forward with an evil smirk as clips from the review play, until a scene of him covered in whipped cream appears)

NC: Wait a minute. I don't remember doing that!

(Suddenly Linkara pies NC in the face. The Three Stooges theme plays as he gets up)

Spoony: Like I said, Critic. Once a Stooge, always a Stooge. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

NC: Why, you knucklehead!

(NC puts Spoony in a headlock giving him noogies as Spoony whoops while Linkara smacks at NC's head before coming to a Three Stooges ending card, then the NC credits)

Channel Awesome logo

Vladmir: My companion is gone. I don't know what's become of him.

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