Boy Meets World Meets Disney World!
Original Air Date
December 6, 2013
Channel Awesome Air Date
February 27, 2015
Step By Step Goes To Disney World!
Sabrina The Teenage Witch Goes To Disney World!
[We open with Jerk and Spazz still at Mickey's Fun Wheel]
Jerk: And that's why thanks to me the President never visits Paraguay. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I met Garry Marshall?
Spazz: [Excited] No, you haven't!
Jerk: And I never will. Instead, let's remember a time when a boy met a different kind of world in this review first released December 6th, 2013.
Spazz: You actually met Garry Marshall? Does he have good skin! I bet he has great skin!
[Dissolve into the opening of the episode]
Announcer: Previously on an actual previous episode of this show...
[Cut to clip from Family Matters: "We're Going to Disney World Part 2;" Stephan kissing Laura. The audience screams]
Jerk [v/o]: Oh god, there's bees in the audience! Why do the bees always show up during kisses?!
Announcer: And now, a special message from Some Jerk with a Camera... [Cut to a picture of Rosa Parks, then Jerk, standing next to it. He's wearing a suit jacket and his hair is tied back]
Jerk: Good evening. My fellow Americans, I've always considered myself a quintesential, normal, stereotypical 90s kid. The decade started when I was 6 and ended when I was 16, so I was right there in the sweet spot. When Rifiki Lifted baby Simba towards the heavens, I was there. When Sideshow Bob stepped on his 1st rake, I was there. When the Bothers, Hanson , MMMboped , When Jim Carrey spoke through his posterior, when a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in Will Smith's neighborhood , I was there, man. And every time a trio of tweens proved they had the guts to scale the Mighty Aggro Crag while the guy from "Yes, Dear" cheered them on, I was there. I always thought I had my finger firmly on the pulse of 90s youth culture. It has come to my attention that I was wrong. Because, I was completely unprepared for and unaware, for whatever reason, of the massive, tumultuous, pop-culture phenomenon that retro-actively apparently was: "Boy Meets World."
[Cut to the Opening for Season 5 of "Boy Meets World."]
Jerk [v/o]: I barely remembered this show, it never seemed like the big huge thing everyone was talking about at the time, it was just that one show with Fred Savage's brother [Ben Savage] and the guy who voiced K.I.T.T. on "Knight Rider" [Willaim Daniels] and I remembered it as that one show with Fred Savage's brother and the guy who voiced K.I.T.T. on Knight Rider. But, yee gods, millions of people my age and slightly younger fucking love this show! Not even consulting me, my demographic went and turned this thing into a beloved, obsessed over icon. Not exactly "Star Trek," but, then again, they making a spin-off 20 years later about the next generation ["Girl Meets World" ].
Jerk: And I'm sure in decades to come, we can look forward to "Boy Meets Deep World Nine" We see a picture of Corey Matthews next to the space station, Deep Space Nine) "Boy Voyages World" (A picture of Corey's head on Seven of Nine's body) and "Boy Meets Alternate Lens-flare World" (We see poster for "Star Trek Into Darkness" with Corey Mathews, Topanga Lawrence, and George Feeny replace the "Star Trek" Characters. The lens flare apear on the picture as part of a game of tic-tac-toe against Xs). So, what exactly did everyone else see when they met this boy's world, that I so tragically missed? Well, lets pick a random episode, completely at random like say (He over pronounces the end of the word) the one where Shawn (Hunter) joins a cult, and see if we can't find out. (He hold up a Netflix dvd envelope. He reads what episodes are on it) For god...Netflix sent me the one where they all go to Disney World, again! You know, this whole time, I've been trying to do a nice review show of sitcoms that joined cults! The "Full House" Jonestown episode is a heartwarming masterpiece! (We see a picture of Michelle Tanner, sleeping in a chair, but now her eyes have Xs on them and flys hover around her. We then cut to Jerk by a peir across from Mickey's Fun Wheel.) And for the last time, Disney Parks are not a cult! (Creepy laughter is heard from DCA. Jerk looks across, then back looking worried) Shut up!
Jerk ]v/o]: I think it's worth noting that of all the sitcoms that went to Disney World on Disney's network, only this one was also a Disney owned show [Through Disney distributer, Touchstone Pictures] and it 1st aired, I swear to Vishnu, on the exact same night as part 2 of "Step-By-Step's" Disney World step-isode , it was a hour long rock block of vertical intergration! Business as usual, right guys [Michael Eisner and Daniel Burke]? This merger [DIsney and ABC] won't affect a damn thing! So, how exactly did they open such an ambitiously mercenary episode of such a watershed cultural "Touchstone" milestone? [Corey dancing [mostly swaying his arms a bit] with a girl named Kristen at a Burger restaurant named "Chubbies." Others are also dancing.] With the lamest dance party I've ever seen!
Jerk: [Also dancing like Cory] All the Kids are doing it. It's called "I don't give a dance!"
Jerk [v/o]: There's only one explanation, this place is empty and abandoned Savage [Cory, now trying to do the twist] broke in so he could imagine all these other kids, especially his date, just to make himself like the true lord of the dance by default. [Cory and Kristen are now sitting at their table]
Cory Matthews: What else is the school saying about me?
Kristen Hoffman: They say that right before you kiss a girl, you pass a fry from knuckle to knuckle (Which he is doing).
Cory: [Nods] It's interesting. [He throws the french fry behind him and the 2 lean in for a kiss.]
Production Assistant/Jerk [v/o]: MY EYE! IT WENT RIGHT IN MY EYE!
Director/Jerk [v/o]: Hey, they just kissed, you forgot to release the bees!
PA/Jerk [v/o]: MY EYE IS BLEEDING! Jerk [v/o] But, He blows it on his date and [The scene transitions to Cory with his bff, Shawn Hunter, the next day at school] realizes he misses his ex-girlfirend, Topanga [Lawrence], the girl who became so memorably hot, they named a canyon after her, don't read too much into that. Then, their teacher [Jonathan Turner] shows up to reveal the winners of an essay contest, to get to go on a magical vacation to, you guessed it, Atlanta, Georgia!...where they change planes and end up in Disney World.
Mr. Turner: [Reading the list of winners] Kristen Hoffman [The class applauds her], Ronnie Waterman [who was talking to a girl sitting behind him, the class then applauds him].
Shawn Hunter: [To Cory] She'll [Kristen] get over you quickly enough with "Lips" Waterman on the same trip.
Jerk: Tragically, that nickname does not refer to his mouth.
Cory: [To Shawn, Cory's exited] Kristen with "Lips" in Florida and me, free to spend the next week romancing Topanga. Because, you know what, Shawn, sometimes everything...
[Cut to a clip from "Kindergarten Cop"] John Kimble: [Yells] SHUT UP!
[Cut to a screen shot of Cory and Shawn looking at the front of the class, looking a little shocked.]
Mr. Turner: And the last winner is...Topanga Lawrence [The Class applauds her, save Cory and Shawn who are just surprised]!
[Cut to Ronnie "Lips" Waterman and Topanga riding Dumbo in Disney World.]
Topanga Lawrence: You think this ride it safe? I mean, what if my hair gets caught in the rotor?
Ronnie "Lips" Waterman: [Obviously trying to be smooth] Your hair is safe [Puts his arm over her], but your lips, they're in danger.
[We see him pucker up and leaning in. We cut to Jerk's bedroom, he wakes up from a nightmare.]
Jerk: That wasn't even my dream!
[Cut to the end of part 1 of the Family Matter Disney World episode, in Myra Monkhouse's room, where she wakes up from a nightmare.]
Myra Monkhouse: Something's wrong with Steven (Urkel)! [Cut to the living room of reviewer, Ryan Hipp, who also wakes up.]
Ryan Hipp: Ohh! Oh my god, who knew that [Pulls out a dvd case of "Twilight: Eclipse"] there were such great deals at available now at "Blockbuster" [Caption appears, saying: "Recorded earlier"], like this single disc "Twilight: Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part 1, New Moon..."
Jerk [v/o]: [Interrupts] Blah, blah. blah! About 57 more dream fake outs [Including Dorothy Gale, Liz Lemon, Woody the Cowboy, and Myra again], Savage [Cory] wakes up [In the bedroom he shares with his older brother Eric] and realizes he desperately needs his beloved fair maiden back and in the grand tradition of romantic Disney heroes who slay dragons, fight oppressors, and kill giant sea witches, carry shoes around and sometime do absolutely the fuck nothing to achieve their true love, young Mr. Matthews prepares to [now less enthusiastic] follow Topanga to Florida[?]
[Cut to a clip from "There's Something About Mary."]
Sully: Stalker, huh?
Pat Healy: Yep, big time!
[Cut to Cory talking to Eric Matthews in the hallway of their high school.]
Cory: You think you cover for me?
Eric Matthews: [Pulling something out of his gym bag] I am way ahead of you!
Cory: Why, what's in the bag?
Jerk: No, before we should proceed, I feel I should give you some fair warning. The revelation of what is in that bag may shock you. It's certainly something no one who watched ABC's TGIF [Thank Goodness It's Friday] line up regularly would expect to see on a show like this. I don't think it's inappropriate for my show. But, god knows how they got it past the ABC sensors back in the day. So, with that in mind, let's proceed.
Cory: What's in the bag?
Eric: [Pulls out a life size dummy, that is clearly fake, wearing a matching outfit to Cory's] You!
Jerk: That bag contained the ABC "Let's go to Disney World" Sitcoms FIRST HILARIOUS JOKE!
[Jerk dances to celebration music as we cut to a show of a cheering crowd from the "Full House" Disney World episodes "Jessie and the Rippers" concert.]
Jerk [v/o]: Dear god, I love that thing [The dummy]! Maybe it's the lowered expectations of this network. maybe it's the dumb smile on it's face. Maybe it's the Jewfro. But, holy shit, that thing makes me laugh! It's just so un-apologetically stupid and I couldn't love it more!
Shawn: [To Cory] Got the [Florida] tickets from my uncle Nicky!
Cory: Wait, your uncle, who's in the "gaming industry?"
Shawn: Yeah, yeah, and there's the slight chance we may have to break someone's knees while we're there.
[We cut Jerk in Castle Jackula standing next to Count Jackula]
Count Jackula: Yeah, I've also worked for Sony Playstation.
Jerk: What am I doing here?
Count Jackula: What?
[The screen turns red as The Horror Guru pops up in front of them.]
Horror Guru: [In a scary, distorted voice to the camera] YOU SAW NOTHING! AHHH! [Cut to static]
Jerk [v/o] So, of course, rather than just telling Topanga how he feels before she leaves...
Cory: [Sees Topanga. To Shawn] Maybe, if I just tell Topanga how I feel before she leaves, we don't have to do this whole thing.
Jerk: Oh...um...Ok...uh..., he's doing the responsible thing and...uh...avoiding wacky shenanigans. I can't remember how to react to that.
Cory: [To Topanga] I went out with those other girls because I hated being alone. But even when I was with them because I was still alone, because I wasn't with you.
Topanga: Cory, that's really sweet.
Jerk: Problem solved! Ok...um, it was a little short and contained very little Disney World. But, I guess...
[Cut to a shot of a Mickey Mouse toy]
Mickey Mouse/Jerk [v/o] SILENCE!
Mickey/Jerk [v/o]: If boy fails to meet Disney World, then only one show [Step By Step] will promote my parks, tonight! I can't have that! [Turns to someone off screen] Pirates, what do you think? [Cut to footage of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride]
Pirates: We wants the redhead!
Kristen: [To Cory] When I get back from Florida, I want to make things work between us. [She kisses Cory, Topanga is standing behind him.]
Director/Jerk [v/o]: Where the hell are the bees?!?!
PA/Jerk [v/o]: MY EYE IS STILL BLEEDING!
Topanga: [Angry, mocking him] "I was still alone, because I wasn't with you!"
Mickey/Jerk [v/o]: [Maniacally laughs] Now you have no choice, promote me, Savage boy! Promote me, like your brother [Fred Savage} promoted my nemesis [Universal Studios in "The Wizard"]! My vengence is nearly complete! You hear me, Universal?!?! NEARLY COMPLETE!
[He maniacally laughs again, as we see a scene from a later episode of "Boy Meets's World," where Fred Savage guest starred and a scene from "The Wizard," where Corey Woods, Jimmy Woods, and Haley Brooks are scared by the King Kong robot from the Universal Tour Ride. ending with a logo for ABC Stusios, but the crrcle has mouse ears and a clip from "Clerks."]
Dante Hicks: [To his girlfriend, Veronica Loughran] Buch of savages in this town.
Jerk [v/o]: So yeah, Disney finally sent their own show to their own them park on their own network, and they didn’t even send the whole family. Just 3 main characters [Cory, Shawn, and Topanga] and 2 peripheral ones [Ronnie and Kristen] we never see again. I’m not saying it’s bad. If anything, it helps the episode not to be drowned in subplots, it’s just surprising. I mean, every Disney Park commercial plays up the whole family togetherness angle, but in a sitcom…
(Cut to a Blip commercial for Disney theme parks with clips from this “Boy Meets World” episode, “Escape From Tomorrow,” and “Psycho.”]
Annoncer [v/o]: For some stalkers, it’s the park time. For others, it’s the pool time. And there are those who love the “hunched over, staring obsessively at your reluctant soul mate through a crudely drilled hole in the wall of the semi-lit laundry room all night” time most of all. [Music start to get creepy] We know, all obsessions are different and you’re mine, aren’t you? YOU ARE MINE! DON’T IGNORE ME, THIS WAS MEANT TO BE, IT SAYS SO IN MY MANIFESTO! HOW MANY PAINTINGS OF YOUR FACE DO I HAVE TO TAPE TO THE FACES OF DEAD MICE I SENT TO YOUR ROOM BEFORE YOU GET IT! (We cut back to Jerk who is watching this commercial on his phone.) WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS IT?!?!
Jerk: [Groans and rolls his eyes] Same fucking commercial, every time. [He then mocks the announcer by wording what he says, due to seeing the commercial so many times.]
Announcer [v/o]: WHY WON’T THE UNIVERSE JUST ACCEPT ME AS IT’S RIGHTFUL RILER?!?! ALL THE OTHER UNIVERSES DO! [Jerk then continues mocking the announcer by using his hand as a puppet] INFIDELS WILL BE SENT TO THE GULAGS! MEATLOAF, BANGLADESH!
[The scene the fades to a real commercial break. Afterwards, we cut back to the episode.]
Jerk [v/o]: Anyway, they [Cory and Shawn] find Topanga’s group a guided tour of San Francisco’s favorite radio station, The Living Seas. [Jessie and Joey were D.J.-ing in a diving bell in the water]
Alexandra The Maine Biologist: [To the tour group] This is Amber [Amber is a dolphin], she was found beached. We brought her here to nurse her back to health. But, because she’s been separated from her family, quite possibly, her mate, she spends her time alone. [Amber looks sad and Topanga feels bad for her.]
[Cut to Director/Jerk in front of the Living Seas, aquarium tank]
Director/Jerk: I don’t know, the dolphin just doesn’t quite look sad enough. Could we make that dolphin look sadder? I don’t know, inject it with heroin or something, I’m trying to make art, here!
Cory: (To Shawn) You know what, I’m going to go over there and tell her that I love her! Man, I’ve loved her since the day our eyes met!
Cory/Jerk: Which is why, in the 1st season, we depicted her as a weird freak I couldn’t stand! Love is so complicated
- The series is know for retconning the 1st season to the 2 being a life long couple. Though in season 4, that was explained to a breakup from elementary school to high school cause girls are supposed to be yucky to kids.
Jerk [v/o]: But, one more wacky mix-up later, Obscurus Lupa here [Kristen], kisses him again.
Director/Jerk [v/o]: How are we doing on those bees?
PA/Jerk [v/o]: MY EYE IS INFECTED NOW! THERE’S THINGS GROWING OUT OF IT, I’M A LIVING FREAK!
Director/Jerk [v/o}: You know, you had one job around here: “release the bees when characters kiss!”
PA/Jerk [v/o]: I CAN NEVER FACE MY FAMILY AGAIN!
[The stalker Disney parks commercial plays again, but the 2 are still talking.]
Director/Jerk [v/o]: Don’t interrupt…see what you’ve done! We’re talking over the commercials!
PA/Jerk [v/o]: THIS WHOLE SHOW IS A COMMERCIAL!
Director/Jerk [v/o]: [YELLS] I WANT MY BEES!
[Cut back to the episode]
Jerk [v/o]: So, Cory and Shawn sleep in a Splash Mountain log [?} Because ABC is officially just fucking with me at this point and they [Cory and Shawn] keep right on a stalking!
[Cory and Shawn go up to a Beast character.]
Cory/Jerk [v/o]: Excuse me, Mr. Beast, we’re looking for a girl…
Beast/Jerk [v/o]: [yells as the camera shakes] JOIN THE FUCKING CLUB!
[Cut to Topanga and Ronnie sitting at a table at the Living Seas restaurant. A sea turtle passes the tank window they’re seated near.]
Jerk [v/o]: Wow, Turtle Talk with Crush is even lamer than I thought.
Topanga: [To Ronnie] Ever since we got here, you’ve been trying to kiss me! [She stands up] Well, I’m not a prize and I hate it when guys chase me! [By this point, Cory, in a scuba suit, swims up to the tank window, holding a sign saying: “I will chase you forever,” Topanga doesn’t notice yet.] The more they chase me, the more I get turned off!
Jerk: I gotta admit, that’s pretty funny too. I mean, I’d forgotten how cartoony this show was.
[Cut to a montage of the show’s more goofier moments]
Jerk [v/o]: Maybe that’s why it’s so fondly remembered today. It had a charmingly wacky, absurdist flexible reality that was much closer to “The Simpsons” than “Full House” and, I dare say, may have even helped paved the ways for the likes of “Family Guy” and “30 Rock”
Jerk: I was skeptical at 1st, but it’s really starting to grow on me!
[Cut back to the episode, where Cory heads back to the dolphin tanks. Sees a girl there.]
Cory: Topanga, you can’t keep running away from…
[He sees that it’s not Topanga, it’s Dana Foster from “Step By Step.”]
Jerk: Huh, that girl looks kind of familiar.
Cory: You’re not Topanga.
Dana Foster: What’s a Topanga?
Jerk: I swear, I’ve seen that actress in something, [A millisecond of the Disney World “Step By Step” episode is shown, like his memory is returning] something recently. [another millisecond clip. He sighs] It’s at the tip of my brain. [millisecond clip]
[Back to the episode]
Dana: [To Cory] Wanna help me feed her [Amber]?
Cory: Yeah, sure.
Jerk: [Pulls out his phone] Ok, IMDb will solve this mystery.
[Logo for IMDb appears in the lower right hand corner, with back-up singers.]
Singers: “What you do instead of things!”
Jerk: Lets see, “Boy Meets World,” season 3, “Happiest Show On Earth.” Staci Keanan! [millisecond clip from the ‘Step By Step” Intro] Staci Keanan? [millisecond intro clip] Let’s see what else she’s done. [millisecond into clip] It…[realizes] No!
[Cut to a montage of Dana Foster in the Disney World “Step by Step” episode.]
Dana: I’m beginning to see why they call it Pleasure Island.
Dana: Miss “Queen of the Nashville Nazis”
Jerk: [Worried] No!
[Cut to a clip from “Die Hard”]
Hans Gruber: …Mother fucker!
[Cut to Jerk, being shot from a high place as he screams with his fist in the air.]
Jerk [v/o]: Just when I was starting to like this show [“Boy Meets World”], they actually went and did a “STEP BY STEP” CROSSOVER!!! IT WASN’T CRASS ENOUGH TO DO 2 DIFFERENT “LET’S GO TO DISNEY WORLD” SHOWS ON THE SAME NIGHT AND NETWORK, THEY ACTUALLY HAD TO DUCKTAPE THEIR FUCKING MYTHOLOGIES?!?!
Jerk: [Still angry] This isn’t just cross-promotion, this is snake eating its own tail, freaky 3-way orgy promotion! [We zoom off Jerk to see Spazz Master, Mikey Insanity, Rosenhacker The Wire, and Il Nege standing near him.] I mean, what kind of show resorts to something as blatantly obnoxious and desperate as a crossover. It’s just so wrong!
Jerk [v/o]: So, “Boy Meets Step” and “Step By World” take place in the same universe and apparently so does Sabrina The Teenage Witch, who also once appeared on “Boy Meets World” and Urkel who once appeared on “Step By Step.” He also appeared on “Full House” once, which blew my fucking mind when I was a kid and “Family Matters,” itself, was originally a spinoff of “Perfect Strangers.” So, when you think about it, ABCs TGIF line up was “The Avengers” of the 90s [We see a poster of “The Avengers,” But the head are replaced with ABC Sitcom characters. Michelle Tanner is Thor, Sabrina Spellman is Black Widow, Balki Bartokomous is Captain America, Carl Winslow is Nick Fury, Steve Urkel is Ironman, Cory Matthews is Maria Hill, Frank Lambert is Hawkeye, and the Fake Cory Dummy is Hulk.], and the 90s clearly didn’t disserve to be avenged.
Jerk: You have officially squandered the good will I had for you “Boy Meets World,” do you hear me?
The Wire: [Still at Innoventions] No.
Wire: I’m answering your question; no, it cannot hear you. It is a TV show! TV cannot see or hear you through the other way!
Jerk: [Looks around] Really?
Wire: Well, unless it’s me. But, last I checked, “Boy Meets World” is not me!
Jerk: [Confused] So, when I’m at home alone, watching TV, I don’t have to wear clothes?
Wire: [Worried] Uh…unless it’s me!
Jerk: [Happy] That is a load off my mind. You know what, all is forgiven “Boy Meets World,” all is forgiven!
Wire [v/o]: Seriously, unless it’s me!
[Cut back to Cory, talking to Amber.]
Cory: So, Amber, you’re separated from your mate, huh?
[Cut to “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone”]
Harry Potter: [To a snake at the zoo] That’s me as well.
Ron Weasley [v/o]: [barely audible] Shut up, Harry!
Cory: All those things I did, that wasn’t just trying to impress her. I just didn’t know how to express my feelings [Realizes] and now, I’m talking to a fish.
Fish in feeding bucket/Jerk [v/o]: Well hey, I appreciate it. You know, we smelts are highly underrated conversationalists and [Cory tosses a fish to Amber and she eats it] OH GOD, THE METAL’S EATING ME!
Cory/Jerk [v/o]: So long and “You’re welcome” for all the fish!
[As Cory leaves, we see Topanga overheard him, she looks back at Amber.]
Amber [Or possibly Riley Matthews]: [She speaks like Flipper, so she’s subtitled] Oh, one more thing- If you guys ever have a spin-off…and you daughter accidentally sets fire to the living room rug and then turns into a dolphin…go easy on her.
Jerk [v/o] So now, Topanga chases after Cory, in heels no less.
Topanga: Cory, you got on a plane and flew across the country to see me.
Jerk: Well, he came from Philadelphia [, Pennsylvania], so really, it’s more like down the country. [Realizes] Wait a minute, she wore heals on her 2nd day at EPCOT?!?! Oh god, there’s no way she’s mentally stable. [Shouts] DON’T DO IT MAN, RUN! NO SPINOFF IS WORTH THIS! [Cory and Topanga kiss as the water fountains shoots up behind them.] Oh!
PA/Jerk [v/o]: I THINK THE BEES ARE DEAD!
[Cut to the end of part 1 of the “Full House” Disney World Episode. Captions reads: “To Be Continued…”]
DJ Tanner: Michelle!
Kimmy Gibbler: Michelle!
Stephanie Tanner: Michelle, where are you!
[The end credits roll with the picture of dead Michelle Tanner w/flies over her, midway through, the Xs over her eyes are gone and her eyes are open. The screen turns red with horror music. Cut back to Ryan Hipp.]
Ryan Hipp: [Holding ‘Twilight: Eclipse” DVD case] “Twilight Saga: Eclipse” is an awfully good DVD experience, buy it today! [moves closer to the camera] Buy it! Press the buy button up on the [Knows the camera over] NO!
[Cut to static, then the rest of the credits]