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Break Up

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Break Up
Date Aired
November 19th, 2011
Running Time
11:12
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Todd: Episode #6, Mario featuring Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett. To date, this is the worst song I've ever reviewed, that I have even, like, a full video review for it. This is...horrifically bad. Like, it was like a running joke between all my friends, like, this is just the most godawful, horrific, worst unlistenable piece of garbage that any of us had ever heard. And...I feel like this is...where it started to get kind of ambitious...like, there's only so much you can do with the ten-minute limit on YouTube. I had my Mario statue, I was...I just felt like I was putting more into it just 'cause...I hated it so much. I hated this song, I still hate this song. And a little trivia—when I do my little piano intro, I am completely faking it, because I had no idea what the actual chords were for this, and it actually sounds way better when I play it than when you actually hear the actual song. I think that helped...be surprised...be surprising how awful it was. Ugh. I'm still so angry at it. I'm smiling, but it hurts. Episode #6, "Break Up" by Mario

[Fades out]

[Fade into Todd "playing" "Break Up" on his piano.]

MARIO f/Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett - BREAK UP
A pop song review

Todd: So, lately I've been talking to a lot of young people, and I'm learning what the kids are listening to these days. You know, I'm finding out a lot of things I didn't realize. Young Jeezy, for example, more popular than I realized. And the kids are also very into this new guy [picture of Gucci Mane] I've never even heard of—Gucci Mane. You know, I told the kids I hadn't heard anything about him, but it turns out he's got a song [clip of "Break Up"] on the radio right now. See him and...some other guy I've never heard of are guest performers on a new song by C-list R&B singer Mario.

Video for "Just a Friend"

Todd (VO): Mario's been around for a while, and his music has ranged from the forgettably terrible...

Mario: But you say I'm just a friend
Say I'm just a friend

Todd (VO): ...to the terribly forgettable.

Video for "Let Me Love You"
Mario: You should let me love you

Todd: But this new song called "Break Up" seems to be doing pretty well for him. It's his biggest hit in years. And I'm so intrigued by it, that I brought Mario himself down here to talk about it.

Pulls over a statue of Mario...the video game hero

Todd/Mario [in bad Italian accent]: It's-a me, Mario.
Todd: It is you, Mario. You ready to hear your new song?
Todd/Mario: Let's-a go.

Video for "Break Up"
Girl: I love you, but I don't think I can love you anymore

Todd: Pause. All right, two seconds in, and I'm already impressed. So much emotion packed in one short sentence. Did Princess Peach inspire this, Mario.
Todd/Mario: It's-a me, Mario.
Todd: What insight. Let's keep listening. I can wait to hear more.

Mario: When I kiss you so good
Why would you wanna break up?
When this loving is so good
Why would you wanna break up?

Todd: What is this?

Mario: When this feeling is so good
Why would you wanna break up?
Loving you, loving you, loving you

Todd: This is a song?

Todd (VO): This is...this is supposed to be music? This is popular? Wha...? What is...?

Mario: Why would you wanna break up?
Ohhh!
Gucci Mane: Now baby girl done dumped me
She no longer wants me

Todd/Mario: [almost can't do it anymore] It's-a me...Mari

Todd: I don't even wanna do the Super Mario bit. [Puts the Mario statue away] Have to focus on this atrocity.

Mario: Loving you, loving you, loving you
When I'm, when I'm loving you, loving you

Todd: This is the music of Hell! This is like evil, haunted funhouse music.

Clip of creepy clown dancing plays over...
Mario: When I kiss you so good, why would you wanna break up?
When this loving is so good, why would you wanna break up?
When I hit that so good, why would you wanna break up?

Todd: Okay. So...

Todd (VO): Mario and Sean and Gucc...oh God. Which one is which?

Todd: Okay, they...they sound like they threatening to kill this girl.

Mario: Why would you wanna break up?
Do anything for you
Why would you wanna break up?
See I been driving through...

Todd: [holding knife] I'd do anything for you. Why would you wanna break up?

Sean: I know I made mistakes before

Todd: This song doesn't even sound bad, it sounds...wrong. Like a horrible mistake in the recording studio.

[From behind] Oh, God! I accidentally used the bass track from song #5 instead of song #4! And this album's due in half an hour! Oh God! Just leave it!

And then there's Gucci Mane.

Gucci: Now baby girl done dumped me
She no longer wants me
I'm no longer hired
She said that I've been fired

Todd: Really? This is the hot new rapper everyone's talking about?

Gucci: Why you wanna leave me?
You should wanna tease me

Todd: Really?

Gucci: Over, no more smokin' doja
Baby girl went AWOL
She used to be my soulja

Todd: Interesting that you use the word "soulja". Because you kind of remind me of a different soulja.

Video for Soulja Boy - "Crank Dat"
Soulja Boy: Soulja Boy up in this oh...

Todd (VO): Yeah, I went there. I just totally burned you. I just associated you with Soulja Boy. I bet you're totally feeling ter...

Video for Soulja Boy feat. Gucci Mane - "Gucci Bandana"
Soulja: Ey, Gucci Bandana, Gucci, Gucci Band...

Todd (VO): Never mind. Okay, at least I know what I'm dealing with now.

Mario: Do anything for you
Why would you wanna break up?
See I been driving through your hood
Why would you wanna break up?

Todd: Oh, you charmer, you. I was gonna leave, but then I found out that you were driving through my hood. Oh, baby, I just can't let you go.

Mario: Makin' you them promises
Then breakin' your heart again
Tellin' you she wasn't when she was then we arguin'
But, baby...I love you

Todd: Am I not smart enough for this? Is this some kind of experimental avant-garde thing that's just going way over my head? 'Cause unless someone makes an argument, I'm just gonna assume that I'm not dumb enough for this; that I've just got too much going on in my head; that I can't absorb something this awful.

Mario: I love you
Oh!

Todd: Oh! Hip-hop, stop shouting "Oh!" for no reason. [Clips of three different songs with "Oh!" ] Not every song is a bunch of random guys shouting "Oh!"

Eric Clapton performing "Tears in Heaven"
Eric: Would you know my name
If I saw you in...
Mario: Oh!
Mario: Don't I lace you with the Gucci?

Todd: What?

Mario: Don't I deck you in the Louis?

Todd: Oh, you mean Gucci and Louis Vuitton, the fashion labels, 'cause you got a rapper named Gucci on the track, so that's...that's confusing. Oh, and another thing, for straight guys, rappers sure do care a lot about fashion, don't they? They're like...they're like Sex and the City characters over here. Am I right? [long pause] WHO CARES?! WHO CARES WHAT THEY'RE RAPPING ABOUT?! IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE CONVERTED MY NIGHTMARES TO AUDIO!

Todd (VO): Do I actually have to analyze the lyrics to this song? Isn't the music bad enough? Okay, here goes. What's the message of this song?

Mario: Do anything for you
Why would you wanna break up?

Todd: Uh-huh?

Gucci: On to the next one, more fish in the sea

Todd: Yeah?

Sean: Imma change my ways, we can work it out

Todd: All right?

Sean: If you leavin' baby don't leave me til tomorrow
Tonight we gone get a lil tipsy with a bottle

Todd: Oh, geez. You always know exactly what to say. Go on.

Mario: Sayin' I'll be faithful but I don't

Todd: Got all that? If you just had a breakup, and you need a song that expresses the following:

[text appears]
A. But I'm so awesome!
B. Whatever.
C. I promise to be better.
D. Lemme getcha drunk!
...and E. My promises are worthless.

Basically, if your breakup is giving you raging, incurable schizophrenia, man, have I got a song for you.

Mario: Don't I deck you in the Louis?
Don't I make your earlobe freeze?
(Seriously, I didn't make that up)

Todd: That is the single weirdest sex boast I've ever heard. I mean, I've heard of making your toes curl, but "your earlobe freeze"? Like, just the one?

Gucci: Bein' Icy ain't easy
I make it look easy

Todd: [beating top of piano] Beat is drilling through my skull! Oh, by the way, it's time for another game of Finish the Rhyme. [Plays fanfare] Bring it on!

Sean: You may be familiar but to me, you're a model
Everything that I e-eva seen in a ______

Todd: Bottle. [Buzzer sounds with (X)] Throttle? (XX) Waddle. (XXX) What?!

Sean: Everything that I e-eva seen in a model.

Todd just yells through his teeth

Todd (VO): HOW IS THIS SONG ACTUALLY GETTING WORSE?! Who could listen to this?! It's not catchy, you can't dance to it! Why would anyone wanna listen to this?!

Todd: [head in hands] I just...I just don't understand how anyone could...[comes back up and finds something in his hand. He drops it on the piano, revealing...] This song is so bad, it's making my hair come out in clumps. [Rubs under his nose] And my nose is bleeding a little. I'm done! I'm done! This review is over! Let me just finish up by saying, no joke, not trying to be funny, this is the worst song I've ever heard!

Todd (VO): Who's ever responsible for this, should be killed. Who's ever listening to this, should be sterilized.

Todd: Oh, and as for Gucci, well, I just have one thing to say about him.

Gucci: I don't like Gucci.

Todd: And neither should you. I'm out.

Gets up and leaves

Closing tag song: Super Mario Bros. death song

THE END
"Break Up" is owned by RCA/Jive Records
This video is owned by me


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