NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. We have lost a dear friend recently. An Indian...Mexican...thing by the name of Ma-Ti. His death has left a big impact on me, but as I go through life I realize that I just have to accept the fact that death is simply a window from which no one can come back-- (yells) Wrong!
(Cut to stormy clouds, thunder and lightning clashing with "WRONG!" in big, red letters; back to NC)
NC: For we are searching for the Necronomicon! Book of the Dead! Said to make the non-living living again! That's right, we...as in, me in my big, comfy, cozy office, and Chester A. Bum, who is outside right now! Chester, how are you doing, my friend?
(Cut to close-up of Chester on a night vision camera in some house)
Chester: I'm cold, lonely, and I fear death!
(It now cuts back and forth between them)
NC: Wonderful! Now Chester, what number haunted house is this that we've been in?
Chester: ...Well, uh, for you, none, but for me this'd be, number 34.
NC: Yes, and what did we find in those other haunted houses?
Chester: Um, beer cans, broken condoms, sperm, and the Ark of the Covenant.
NC: So really nothing of value.
Chester: Well, I can make use of the sperm. I-I...
NC: But this haunted house is different, isn't it? Tell us why, Chester!
Chester: Uh well, it's said to be so haunted that the construction workers didn't even bother finishing the job. (He pans the camera down to show construction) They just sort of left in terror. (NC listens intently as he speaks) They got especially afraid when one of the workers burned himself alive and decapitated himself with a toothbrush.
NC: Wonderful! So we're bound to find something good in there, aren't we?
Chester: (sounds annoyed) ...Yes, I am! Uh so far I haven't found much, though, just debris and garbage on the floor. (NC listens intently) Oh, and this uh horrifying voice that tells me to flee or else he's gonna impale me on uh uh whatever blunt instrument he can find.
NC: Now Chester, what did we say before? There's no such thing as ghosts.
Chester: Oh, oh yes, this coming from the person who also said there's no such thing as magic gauntlets, (NC rolls eyes) ancient sorcery, or books that can bring people back from the dead, and yet here we are!
NC: Chester, you sound nervous. Why don't you take one of the various drugs that you have?
Chester: Oh, I-I gladly would, but you took them away in order to get me to come on this mission.
NC: Oh yes, that's true. How you doing with that, by the way?
Chester: I'm in a world of hell, Critic.
NC: That's great, that's great. Well, keep your spirits high and we'll get through this.
Chester: (sounds annoyed) Yes, I will, Critic! I, the only person down here, and you in your big, comfy, cozy office.
NC: You're very kind to mention that.
Chester: I hate you.
Evil Voice: Go away!
Chester: (looks around) Did you hear that?!
NC: Mm, can't say that I did.
Chester: Ah, it was definitely a voice, definitely a voice telling me to get out! I've heard it before!
NC: Chester, your imagination's getting the best of you.
Chester: No, really, this isn't the first time he's done it! Uh he's about to threaten to impale me right now--
Evil Voice: Leave or I will impale you on a blunt instrument!
Chester: (simultaneously) Blunt instrument. That's right. Uh well, okay, I really must be going, Critic! Bye bye! (goes to leave)
NC: (points) Hey hey hey, Chester! We had a deal!
Chester: (looking up) But I feel them inside my soul!
NC: Well, do you want your drugs back or not?
Chester: (scared) More than anything right now!
NC: Well, you're just gonna have to make some sacrifices. That's the rule of the game.
(Demon face goes past Chester quickly)
Chester: What was that?
NC: What was what?
Chester: (yells) I'm so afraid!
NC: Alright, look Chester, if you're not gonna tell me anything interesting (grabs Roger Ebert's "Your Movie Sucks" book), I'm just gonna get some reading done. (Chester nods nervously) Just know that if you come across anything scary, I am totally with you there in spirit.
Chester: (sighs with relief) Well, that's good to know-- (bright light flashes with demonic growl; camera stays on Chester's face) Ahhhhhh!
NC: (still reading) Doing good.
NC: (still reading) Staying strong.
Chester: (camera pans around wildly) Ahhhhhh!
NC: (still reading) Feelin' the burn.
Chester: (is getting head slammed into a table) Ahhhhhh!
NC: (still reading) Go the distance.
Chester: (is lying on floor as something comes at him) Ahhhhhh!
NC: (still reading; says towards book) "Erik the Viking"? Really?
Chester: (camera moves quickly to demon face) Ahhhhhh!
NC: (glances up) Hm? Oh yeah, how are you holding up there, Chester?
(Chester keeps screaming as the camera flies around wildly)
Evil Voice: Jesus is dead and the world will bleed!
NC: (still reading) Good to know, man. Good to know. (closes book) Oh, alright, I think I've done enough reading here. Uh so, Chester, what's the final outcome?
Chester: (looking horrified and disheveled) I'm not a religious man, but I now believe in the devil.
NC: Awesomesauce. Now, have you discovered anything at all?
Chester: Well, um, yes, actually. Yes, I have. I-If I'm not mistaken, (holds up Necronomicon) this is in fact the Necronomicon, (NC looks excited) the Book of the Dead!
NC: (claps) Yeah! Way to go, Chester! Woo! (Chester chuckles timidly) Look through it! Tell me, is there anything about bringing the dead back to life?
Chester: Yes! Yes! I will-- Oh... Um, it appears I am mistaken. (NC's smile goes down) This is in fact not the Necronomicon, the Book of the Dead. This is actually just the incredibly clever (holds up DVD) DVD packaging for "Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn." (NC rubs temple and looks annoyed) Said to be the best in the Evil Dead trilogy. You have to admire those retailers, they really know how to get your attention. Look, it even makes a funny noise sound effect. (He presses the eyeball, which makes it scream) Quite frightening.
NC: Well, great. That's just great. What was the purpose of all our hard work?!
Chester: (looks angry and yells) My hard work, Critic! My. Hard. Work! (Critic looks surprised) I'm the one who came out here! I'm the one that went to all these locations! I'm the one that encountered...God knows what that was! (Critic looks taken aback, trying to talk) I'm the one that urinated myself about a bajillion times because of it! I am sick of you! I am sick of looking for this stupid Book of the Dead! (Critic is speechless) I am sick, sick, sick and terrified! You deserve to be shot! I am done! I am done looking for this! Get another patsy! I am through! Through! Through! Through! I am through with you! (He lets the camera drop onto the floor)
NC: ...Well, I guess I just have to accept the fact that my friend and associate Ma-Ti...really is gone forever. (looks down sadly) How will I ever deal with this traumatic event? (grabs phone and dials quickly) Hey, you wanna see footage of the Bum wetting himself?
(Cut to the Cinema Snob aka Brad sitting in his chair)
Snob: Do I!?
(Cut to title card with Bum's music which says, "Written, Edited and Performed by Doug Walker. Special thanks to Brad Jones and "Jamez" for letting me use his house)