The Cinema Snob: Caligula (part 2) – Transcript Edit
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- - - (Intro sequence with a "Radiodrome"-recap of previous "Caligula"-episode) - - -
Brad Jones: Hello and welcome to the Radiodrome. On this episode we'll be recapping the previous episode of "The Cinema Snob".
Jerrid Foiles: Yeah, you may remember that Brad had to psyche himself into snob-mode.
The Cinema Snob (holding the DVD of "Caligula"): I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
The Cinema Snob (holding the DVD of "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore"): I love you, I love you, I love you!
Brad Jones (as clips of Spoony and Angry Joe dressed as Caligula are shown): The Snob was interrupted by various fake Caligulas…
Jerrid Foiles (as closeup of Jillian Zurawski's breasts are shown): I think the Snob's wife's rack was in there somewhere…
Brad Jones (as brief shot from the fisting scene of Proculus in pain is shown): Oh yeah and there was fisting…
Jerrid Foiles (as shot the head chopping machine is shown): And there was the Snob making comedy out of controversial Roman shenanigans.
The Cinema Snob: Hihi, ewwww… That's so gross. I'm gonna make a funny joke about that now.
Brad Jones: So without further delay here is the second part of "Caligula", complete with an opening credit sequence reenactment.
- - - (A drawing of a coin depicting The Cinema Snob is shown, while The Cinema Snob narrates the opening) - - -
The Cinema Snob: I've existed for 3 years and I shall exist for... ehm, another 3 years. Although I've taken the form of The Cinema Snob, I am all critic as I am no critic… So I am… ehm, The Cinema Snob!
- - - (Opening credits) - - -
The Cinema Snob: Huhu, back for more I see!? I guess the ass-stomachs and fisting weren't enough for you. You had to come back to see if the movie still holds up with even more urine…
The Cinema Snob (as shot of Caligula dancing in the rain is shown): See? Look at that! That's a lot of fucking urine! Oh wait, sorry. This is just Caligula needlessly dancing in the rain. This whole scene was actually conceived of by Malcolm McDowell himself and lo and behold it actually made it into the movie! What was that thought-process like? Was Malcolm just thinking to himself "You know, this movie has got penis-cakes, little fishes and a head chopping machine… I gotta naked-dance in this thing".
Caligula: Gemellus, I saw him. He ran away. Wants me dead! Aah…
The Cinema Snob (vo): Oh, nevermind. That's not Caligula, that's just Malcolm McDowell cracking… The only thing to calm Caligula down in this situation is a threesome with his wife and sister. You know, sometimes I hate being an only-child…
The Cinema Snob (reacting to shot of a suspicious-looking statue): Oh shit, someone is spying on them! Who could it be? A member of the Senate? A couple of guards? Someone else who could use it against him? (Shot of two women looking though a peephole is shown) Oh, it's just two lesbians… Two lesbians who've yet to actually have a speaking line in this movie. Here's where some fun backstory of the film comes in!
The Cinema Snob (as backstage-footage is shown): The movie was originally written by Gore Vidal, who backed out of the project when director Tinto Brass changed the vision of the film to appear more like a political satire. Tinto Brass then had his name taken off the director-credit and about 10 minutes of postproduction porno-footage, shot by Bob Guccione, was inserted into the film. That's where this scene comes from; pointless, sexy porno shot by Penthouse Magazine and inserted into a movie that is NOT supposed to be sexy. (Angry voice) Why don't you just throw in an oralsex scene into Porno Holocaust? We don't want the people of THAT screening leaving without a steel-hardon! I personally find it funny that the writer of the film left, the director of the film left and the movie was released to audiences who at this point in the movie mostly left… Okay, enough of this scene. It's interrupting the fucking movie. I know I hate it when I get interrup--
- - - (The show suddenly gets interrupted by JewWario) - - -
JewWario (smiling): Roman cameo! (immediately switches to blank face, grapping a book followed by static)
The Cinema Snob (angry): GODDAMMIT!
The Cinema Snob (as shot from a dinner party is shown): Caligula holds a dinner for his family and friends to… ehm, I guess celebrate his hiring of professional plate spinners!? I'm sorry, is Claudius now being played by Divine? Am I gonna expect shit-eating in the near future? Mostly though, the dinner is Caligula's plan to get rid of his cousin Gemellus.
Caligula: You took an antidote before coming to my table. Which is tantamount to accusing me poisoning you… THAT IS LOGIC, IS IT NOT?
The Cinema Snob (comforting Gemellus): Don't worry, Gemellus. Once the fist goes all the way in, you won't even feel the arm…
The Cinema Snob (vo): But Caligula's new image of paranoia begins to upset Drusilla.
Drusilla: He's not even your heir. Caesonia now carries your child.
The Cinema Snob: Oh, we've not established that yet? Anyway, yeah. Caesonia is now pregnant.
Caesonia: And what about your son?
Caligula: Show Incitatus your new dance.
The Cinema Snob: Yes, if there's one thing you must do when pregnant with a large porcelain bowl, it's dance!
- - - (Shot of Caesonia dancing is shown) - - -
The Cinema Snob: Wait, wait. She's dancing for the horse, remember!? That's not what the horse wants to hear.
- - - (Shot of the horse Incitatus being dubbed by Mister Ed, as the "Mister Ed" theme song is played) - - -
Mister Ed: Hello, I'm Mister Ed. A horse is a horse, of course of course, and no one can talk to a horse of course, that is of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed!
Caligula (while giving Caesonia a thumbs up): YES!!!
The Cinema Snob (vo): As if Caligula doesn't have enough issues fucking with his brain, he comes down with a fever during his karate lessons, apparently.
- - - (Closeup-shot of Caligula coughing up bile is shown in slow-motion) - - -
The Cinema Snob: EW! Is this movie in 3D all of a sudden!? Either that or Caligula is now being haunted by the ghost of Tiberius' drunk-face.
- - - (A still of Tiberius' 'blackout'-face is shown while the sound of someone violently puking is played) - - -
The Cinema Snob (vo): Feverous and out of his fucking mind, Caligula calls his doctor to his bedside and…… uh… (the Snob notices that the horse Incitatus is lying in bed with Caligula)… well, if you make someone dance to please your horse, the horse is gonna have to put out. I'm just saying…
Caligula: Drusilla… *mumbles*
The Cinema Snob: How embarrassing! Don't you hate it then you accidentally mistake your loved one WITH A HORSE???
The Cinema Snob (vo): The REAL Drusilla comes rushing in to tend to the ailing Caligula. Dude, whatever you do, don't tell her that you confused her with YOUR HORSE!!!
Caligula: Longinus… I want Longinus.
The Cinema Snob (in a disinterested mood): I'm not even gonna say anything…
The Cinema Snob (vo): Caesonia then overhears Chaerea and other members of Caligula's cabinet hoping for the death of Caligula, but they still try to kiss his ass…
Claudius: I offer my life, if Jupiter will only spare our beloved Emperor.
Caligula (feeling better all of a sudden): … Jupiter accepts your offer.
The Cinema Snob: Interesting. Was that whole illness just a master plan to get rid of John Goodman?
The Cinema Snob (vo): Instantly Caligula feels better and returns to work…… (notices Caligula is carrying a red ball) I, I'm sorry. Wait, is that a fucking basketball? Ah yes, I love Roman basketball. That's the game where not clearing the ball means that you'd sodomized someone without permission… and yet, that still gets you three points. This is just one of the many glaring flops of this historical drama; be it the basketball or the modern map of Europe that pops up in the background! Not to mention the fact that nearly every penis in this movie is circumcised; something that was not practiced at the time of the Romans… (referring to the penis-cake) But THAT one I can kinda understand; do you wanna pay the extra of batter money for an uncircumcised penis-cake?
The Cinema Snob (vo): So back to Caligula's work, which must be 'take your torture to work'-day, because that's all he's doing here; torturing Proculus!
Caligula: You're an honest man, Proculus, which means a bad Roman. Therefore you're a traitor. Logical, hmm?
The Cinema Snob (spelling things out with his finger in silence): …You know, that actually makes sense to me…
The Cinema Snob (as Caligula threatens Proculus with a knife): You know, for old times sake, why not throw a little lard on that knife? Caligula instructs the torturer to make Proculus die a slow death, which…
Caligula (as Proculus dies almost instantly after being stabbed): I said SLOWLY, you FOOL!
- - - ('Wha-wha-wha'-sound is playing) - - -
The Cinema Snob (as the two lesbians appear to 'play' with Proculus' corpse): Oh, thank God! I was just thinking that this scene needed two sexy lesbians. Hold on a second… (phones Blip's support) Hello, Blip. Yeah, I'm just wondering if I can show two lesbians urinating on a corpse… (a beat) What does it matter how long the corpse has been dead? (a beat) How did you know I was watching "Caligula"? (a beat) You're watching it too? I know! It's fucked up, right!? So can I show that? (Blip hangs up) …They hung up… Guess they wanna see how the scene ends: it's with castration!
Caligula: Longinus. Reptile. Cut off those and send them to Livia…
The Cinema Snob: Yes, that's what I want; having balls delivered to my house by a guy named 'Longinus'!
The Cinema Snob (vo): That's better than what happens to the shaft…
- - - (Shot of two dogs eating chewing on a cut-off penis, being dubbed over by the dog from the "Beggin' Strips"-commercial) - - -
Dog: Boy oh boy oh boy umnumnumnumnum IT'S BACOOOOON!!!
The Cinema Snob: Interesting too how the dick seemed to be erect. This movie has so many hardons I'm surprised the VHS wasn't in a clamshell.
- - - (An episode of "The Big Box" is played, with Jillian's Big Box Model holding a clamshell of "Emperor Caligula - The Untold Story") - - -
Vic Deallo: Hey, it's Vic; your 'Big Box' seizer. And while it's true "Caligula" was never released in a big box or in a clamshell, the same can't be said for its Joe D'Amato counterpart "Emperor Caligula - The Untold Story", which was released through Trans World Media; the company responsible for giving us the D'Amato's "Ator"-film, Robert Ginty revenge-sploitation and a slew of truly classic martial arts films. "Caligula - The Untold Story" went for the reasonable price of $69.95, which is a small price to pay to see a spear showed up a guy's ass. And a movie finally gives us the… true story? Of how Caligula fell immensely in love with revenge-seeking voodoo-priestess Laura Gemser? And was actually killed on the beach with an arrow to his chest. Let's open up that clamshell there, sweetheart! It's interesting to note that all the hip kids on the street just simply refer to this movie as "The Emperor". This is "Big Box" Vic saying that if you want to see an untold story of history, rent a film that just makes s*** up!
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): But only in "Caligula" can a cock-chopping scene lead to childbirth… Okay, let me get this straight. We only recently found out that Caesonia is pregnant and NOW SHE'S GIVING BIRTH??? So you're telling me that in the past nine months the only significant thing Caligula did to make it into this biopic is watch two pornstars piss away their career? Caligula hoping for a son to become his heir is disrupt when Caesonia gives birth to a daughter! Well, at least you will eligible to play Roman basketball now.
Caligula: To celebrate the birth of my son… My son… Julia Drusilla!
The Cinema Snob: What is this? Reverse "Sleepaway Camp" all of a sudden? Jesus, you're supposed to reveal that twist at the END of the movie.
The Cinema Snob (vo): It's during the birthing scene that Drusilla herself now becomes sick with the fever. Well, that's the last time I try to comfort a sick man in bed with his horse! Drusilla struggles to stay alive as she's being cared for by the doctor who has yet to actually do anything in this movie except to WATCH people get sick! But once she dies Caligula has his own method of curing her disease; by licking her corpse! Unfortunately you cannot lick something to bring it back to life… Believe me, I know!
- - - (The Cinema Snob picks up his NES and licks it) - - -
Caligula (picking up a statue): Caesar begged you! (smashes it on a dresser)
The Cinema Snob: That marks the second time that "Isus" has been cancelled. I may be making jokes here, but believe it or not, in everything that has happened in this movie, in every moment of horrific violence and stomach-turning perversions, this scene is actually kinda moving…
The Cinema Snob: She was my favorite brotherfucker…
The Cinema Snob (vo): With Caligula's sister gone, he takes this as an opportunity to find out just what Roman life is like outside of the palace… AND it's mostly made out of people relieving themselves on the side of the road (said shot is shown). I had no idea that Pagan Rome was exactly like New Berlin, Illinois.
The Cinema Snob (reacting to shot of a man, wearing a penis-hat): What the hell is this? Did this guy just come wandering in from the Roman basketball stadium? Fucking shaft-heads! I've come so far in this movie that I now firmly believe that the Romans wore styrofoam cocks on their heads.
- - - (The show suddenly gets interrupted by Film Brain) - - -
Film Brain (with an angry, snobby voice): How dare you, Cinema Snob!
The Cinema Snob: 'the fuck are you talking about?
Film Brain: Don't you dare nexflix me, I know what you did here! You hired all these Caligula-impersonators but you forgot the most important one. One that actually speaks with a British accent; ME!!!
The Cinema Snob: I didn't hire those people to impersonate Caligula!?
Film Brain: Of course not. You hired them for free, didn't you? Doesn't matter, it's not like I wanted to stick up my lard-up hand up some's arse!
The Cinema Snob (disgusted and confused): I don't want you to do that either!
Film Brain: Well, that's good then because the only one thing from me is the one that stars Sylvester Stallone (the DVD-cover of the 1978 movie "F.I.S.T." is briefly shown).
The Cinema Snob: Really, a F.I.S.T.-reference?
Film Brain (waving goodbye): Toodles, you fucking big potato!
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): With Caligula gone, Caesonia and Longinus ponder the whereabouts of their emperor.
Longinus: He could be anywhere.
Caesonia: No, he's here in Rome. He's testing us.
The Cinema Snob: Yes, he's testing you by performing magic tricks in an underground prison. This by the way is Caligula's new friend, the Giant. Yes, 'the Giant'; a giant he's technically shorter than Caligula… (the DVD-cover of the 1998 movie "My Giant" is briefly shown) Gheorghe Muresan, this guy is not… But at least he has Caligula's back when Caligula declares himself to be a god.
Caligula: I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night. Although I have taken the form of Caius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man. Therefore I am… (a beat) a god.
The Cinema Snob: This has been bugging me throughout the entire movie. Why is everyone referring to him as 'Caius', when his name in reality was 'Gaius'? They even go so far as to SPELL it with a fucking 'C'! When you look at the behind-the-scenes-footage for the film, the actors correctly pronounce it as 'Gaius', as in this pre-dubbed clip.
- - - (Behind-the-scenes-footage is shown) - - -
Caligula: Although I have taken the form as Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man!
The Cinema Snob: But somewhere between production and post-production they said to themselves: "Yeah, we know his name is 'Gaius', but why not name him after 'Caius Cassius' from "Julius Cæsar"? What, John Gielgud was in that movie too!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Let's see how the Senate decides to vote on Caligula's god-status.
Caligula: Aye!…… AYE!!!
Senator #1: Aye!
Senator #2: Aye!
Senator #3: Aye!
The 'Nay'-man from "The Simpsons": Nay…
Caligula: The period of mourning is now over!
Longinus: He's mad!
The Cinema Snob: Really? What was your first clue? Was it the head chopping lawnmower? Was it having a man's balls sent to his wife? Oh, no no. It's when he made the Senate 'baa!
The Cinema Snob (vo): Now that Caligula is a god, it's time for him to do godly things. Though I think his god-status is as questionable as Arnold's in "Hercules in New York" (a stillshot of Arnold Schwarzenegger from said 1969 movie is shown).
Caligula: Who are the richest men in Rome? WHO? Answer: The pimps.
The Cinema Snob: Hmm, this is true; The Pimps are quite popular in Rome (an album cover of The Pimps is shown).
The Cinema Snob (vo): To solve all of Rome's financial problems, Caligula has the bright idea to whore out the senators' wives in an imperial brothel, located squarely on a solid gold ship.
The Cinema Snob (as behind-the-scenes-footage of said ship is shown): At the time of production this was actually the largest single prop build for a motion picture. This. This prop! It's nice to know that the record for the largest prop went to a movie that uses it to showcase midget-porn! Some of the senators' wives actually seem to be into this idea.
Caligula: Hairy nipples… *whistles* Senator Marcellus! Your wife will scare our customers away. Try hot walnuts.
The Cinema Snob: Since when do anyone in this movie have standards? HELLO!? Ass-stomach man!? I think the characters here can handle hairy nipples. And what does "try hot walnuts" mean? Look around you. This scene has no shortage of nuts. While Caligula's voice is hastily dubbed over post-production porn, we see him pop in from time to time to taunt his men.
Caligula: Chaerea, I hear you have a taste for little boys. Is that not so?
Chaerea: No, Caesar. Big boys.
The Cinema Snob: Ah nice, make a pedophilia-joke to the guy who starred in "Salò"!
Caligula: I'll have to work out a special rate for you.
The Cinema Snob (as Caligula): Haha, in case you've forgotten; my wife's vagina is frequently for sale.
The Cinema Snob (vo): Well, with the ship already containing plenty of Moby Dicks, it's time to get this puppy moving.
- - - (Shot of dancing Roman soldiers is showing) - - -
The Cinema Snob (confused): I'm sorry, is this a fucking musical all of a sudden?
- - - (The same clip is played again to the song "We Sail the Ocean Blue" from the HMS Pinafore musical) - - -
Singers: We sail on the ocean blue, and our saucy ship's a beauty; We're sober men and true, and attentive to our duty.
The Cinema Snob: Also I think that the Giant is trying to walk off with one of the props.
- - - (The show suddenly gets interrupted by Obscurus Lupa, dressed exactly like The Cinema Snob) - - -
Allison: Hello there, I'm the Cinema Snob. Yes, THE Cinema Snob, here to ponder why a movie that features both vampires and RoboCop can somehow be worse than RoboCop 3. I'll stick with real robot-movies like "Metropolis", thank you very much.
The Cinema Snob (shocked and confused): That's triply… What the hell is going on here?
Allison: Oh, just that…… Wait a minute, why are you dressed as the Cinema Snob?
The Cinema Snob: I AM the Cinema Snob!
Allison: No, no, no, you're supposed to be dressed as Caligula. They told me that you'd be dressed as Caligula and then I can interrupt your video dressed as… well, you.
The Cinema Snob: Who the fuck is 'they'? And why would I be dressed up as Caligula?
Allison: You're reviewing it, aren't you?
The Cinema Snob: Yeah, but I don't dress up as the characters I'm reviewing. If I did that, I would be in jail or dead…
Allison (angry): Well, that's just perfect. My first time cameo in one of your episodes and they fucked me over! They completely fucked me over!
The Cinema Snob (angry): I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO 'THEY' IS!!!
Allison: You know, the movie "They". It talks to me.
The Cinema Snob (feeling uncomfortable): Uhuhu, great. That's not creepy… (normal voice) Uh well, look at it this way: You could have it worse than cameoing; you could actually have to watch the film.
Allison: Are you kidding? I love "Caligula"! If only all of Rome had just one neck.
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): Caligula's devious plan is to conquer Britain. And by conquering Britian, I mean he marches a few hours outside of Rome and has his naked soldiers attack a field of papyrus cane. Yes, now that we're done witnessing Liberace's wet dream, CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE MOVIE?
The Cinema Snob (vo): When no one actually believes that Caligula set foot in Britain, he orders Chaerea to have senatorial Roman traitors arrested. Personally, I just like listening to the names of the senators being read off.
Caligula: They have failed me. Arrest them.
Longinus: Lepidus… Sextus…
The Cinema Snob: Nooooo, not Sextus!
The Cinema Snob (vo): As if this movie didn't seem to skip over large chunks of story to begin with, the last act here is really rawly thrown together by attaching random pieces of film to random dubs of dialogue. We have this scene where Chaerea and the others stand around talking about killing Caligula, but mostly their mouths are muffled. Such as this earlier, similar scene where their voices are just heard off-camera. It's almost like these scenes were created entirely in the editing room… Hey, whatever makes room for the lesbians… I guess things can get a little screwed up, when you film the movie in '76 and release it to the US in 1980!
- - - (Brad Jones dressed up as 80's Dan appears) - - -
80's Dan: Hey, Snob! 80's Dan here. And you're right! While "Caligula" was released in most countries in 1979 it did have an 80's release here in the United States.
The Cinema Snob: '80's Dan'? That's not a real fucking character!?
80's Dan (as he slowly disappears): What? No, no, no… What are you talking about? I'm, I'm real… I'm real……
The Cinema Snob (very confused): Well, that was disturbing…
The Cinema Snob (back to "Caligula"): Personally, I don't know where this scene was supposed to fit in.
Caesonia: I need you… (she then licks Caligula)
The Cinema Snob: No, don't lick him. He's not dead yet…
The Cinema Snob (vo): The movie comes full circle when Caligula is no longer afraid of ravens. Wait, was that actually an arch in this movie? Or was it just made to dissolve into the raven on Chaerea's chest; the man who's about to kill Caligula? Now that is one huge bit of symbolism…… (looks around) I said "that is one huge bit of symbolism"! (looks around some more) …Okay, I guess Film Brain used up all his satellite-power to call me a big potato!?
The Cinema Snob (vo): We see Caligula's… eh, son-daughter for the first time since the birthing scene and she looks pretty big for a 30 minute-year old. I say 30 minute-year old because I refuse to believe that between this scene and the birth scene, 3 fucking years have passed in this movie!
The Cinema Snob (before addressing the final scene): I've grown so attached to these characters that I don't think I can see them die… Seriously, how can I break down a death scene of characters that I've spent so long talking about? It's like I'm going through the Stockholm syndrome of movie-reviewing…… *scratching his head* Please, please just… Someone else, talk about this…
- - - (As the final death-scene plays, Kung Tai Ted, played by Brad Jones, narrates what happens during the scene) - - -
Kung Tai Ted: Greetings, Kung Tai Ted here to talk about the death of one of the most evil rulers in World history. Remember that just because you're leisurely taking a walk along the courtyard with your family, does not take away from the fact that you're a sadistic tyrant and your people probably wants you dead… They could be whispering about how jealous they are that you banged Helen Mirren or about how you only have a few minutes left to live. When approaching a large man carrying a sword it's probably best not to say this word…
Kung Tai Ted: …It will make him want to stab you. After being bitchslapped with a sword your wife may come to rescue you with her hotness, but it's likely a sword can pierce through that too. The torturer uses the post-birth abortion technique to wipe out your daughter. And the guard plays "Better than Beckham" with the severed head of your Giant. But you're not out of the wilderness yet, as the soldiers play human shish kebab with your recently deceased corpse. To take away even more of your dignity, you body is given the Cheryl Ford maneuver of collapsing down the stairs. And that is the true story of the death of Caligula, minus everything I just said… This is Kung Tai Ted saying: What is a political assassination without a white horse?
The Cinema Snob: Thank you, Ted. Glad your knee healed up. Anyway, that's "Caligula"! Talk about a happy ending and… (freeze-frame of Caligula's blank staring death face is shown as movie credits appears) WHAT? You're leaving on THAT fucking freeze-frame for the ending credits? Yes, there's nothing like leaving the theater with the cold, dead eyes of a murderous psychopath, staring blood-soaked daggers into your backside!
The Cinema Snob (as various clips from "Caligula" is shown): Oddly enough, despite how lowly regarded this movie is nowadays, it was a modest hit at the time of release. The movie broke even domestically with its 30 million dollar budget, due largely in part to producer Bob Guccione doubling the ticket prices at selected theaters. So the movie was a hit in the some way as some current 3D movies considers themselves a hit… But aside from its box office receipts, the film was a huge hit on videotape and to this day remains Penthouse's highest selling video. Most video stores stuck this film in the porn section, which begs the question: Who in the hell would go to rent erotica and walk out with this sick fucking shit?
- - - (A titlecard shows up saying "Brad and Jerrid Rent a Porno") - - -
Jerrid Foiles (as he comes out of the video store walking towards Brad): I'm back.
Brad: So did they have it?
Jerrid: It was right where you said it would be; in the porn section behind the revolving doors.
Brad: I told you it would be there.
Jerrid: Yeah, but who expects a movie with Sir John Gielgud to be right there on the shelf between "Candy Stripers" and Clint Eastwood's "Squirty Mary"?
Brad: Wait, what's that other movie you got?
Jerrid: Oh, "The Best of Donald Duck".
Jerrid: Dude, I didn't want the clerk to think I was a pervert. I rented a porn along with a kids movie. That way he won't think all I watch is porn.
Brad: Dude, you rented a kids movie WITH porn!? That makes you look worse!
Brad: For all that clerk knows the cartoon is just foreplay, like you were gonna show some kid a cartoon as an appetizer for porn!
Jerrid: At least I rented it. You didn't even go in the video store.
Brad: I can't go in that video store anymore…
Brad: A couple of years back… I got caught jerking off in the porn section…
Jerrid: *laughs* Dude!
The Cinema Snob (as various clips from "Caligula" is shown): The movie didn't fare well with critics either, which is as big of an understatement as saying that "Norbit" didn't fare well with shame. Some critics dismissed it as:
"A laughable relic of a failed effort to bring explicit sex movies to the masses" – Apollo Guide
"Sublimely ridiculous thesp-filled porno-togarama" – Film4
The Cinema Snob: But my favorite has to be from Roger Ebert, who stated:
"'This movie,' said the lady in front of me at the drinking fountain, 'is the worst piece of shit I have ever seen'".
The Cinema Snob: So you see? Don't go see this movie, because the lady in front of Roger Ebert at the drinking fountain said that it sucked. And I hold her opinion in a high regard. But the movie is mostly a lot of sex and violence. It's not like it's so controversial to where it's actually gonna hurt anyone…
- - - (The show suddenly gets interrupted by Phelous dressed as Caligula, about to hang himself from a robe) - - -
Phelous: OH YEAH? (he hangs himself until the transmission ends by itself)
The Cinema Snob: Jesus Christ!? How the hell did he end that transmission? Anyway, I'm the Cinema Snob and thank you for sitting through 100 episodes. And believe me when I say: It was much harder for me. But stay tuned for 100 more episodes, which will include Pierre Kirby, weasels, cannibals, 3D titties, Italian aliens and more Pierre Kirby… Now THAT'S a tease!
- - - (Ending credits appear with a very special thanks to people in order of appearance) - - -
Doug Walker, Jillian Zurawski, Brian & Sarah Lewis, Noah Antwiler, Joe Vargas, Lewis Lovhaug, Jason Pullara, Justin Carmical, Allison Pregler, Mathew Buck, Jerrid Foiles and Phelan Porteous.
– And an extra special thanks to all the fans. Without you I wouldn't have made it past "Porno Holocaust".
Caligula (as he stamps papers faster and faster): I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome. I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome. I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome! I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome! I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the Senate and the people of Rome! Rome, Rome, Rome! Caesar, Caesar, Rome, Rome, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!!
- - - - - - - -