Captain N: The Game Master
August 4, 2009
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. ... I love whores. I love everything about them. How willing they are to sell their souls for money, and how cheerful they can be in the process. ... Oh, I'm not talking about the people who sell their bodies. No no no. I'm talking about media whores.
Clips of images show up as the Critic continues talking
NC (vo): The people who create stories and ideas solely for the purpose of selling their products. In the late 80s, and especially the early 90s, there was no bigger brothel for media whores than Nintendo. Now, before you go nuts, I LOVE Nintendo. Who doesn't? It's like the greatest video game company in the world. But that doesn't mean they didn't sell out time after time when it came to their spin-off products, mostly in television and movie development. Time after time, Nintendo has put out horribly written and horribly executed shows and films that had no interest in actually entertaining the viewer, but rather just selling more Nintendo games and accessories.
NC: And heeeeere's another one!
Announcer: Captain N, the Game Master!
NC (vo): Ah yes, Captain N, the Game Master. The Saturday morning TV show that instantly made you want to play more Nintendo games. Why? BECAUSE ANYTHING WAS BETTER THAN WATCHING THIS PISS POOR PUTRID PILE OF PIXELATED PIGSHIT!!! So get out your Nintendo blasters and gamepads, we're gonna look at Captain N.
The intro begins playing
NC (vo): So let's take a look at the story of this show. It seems everything takes place in a fictional realm called Video Land.
Announcer: Welcome to Video Land!
Megaman: Mega Hi!
NC: Yes, I'd imagine you'd have to be in order to watch this.
NC (vo): It turns out that the Palace of Power is under attack by evil forces carrying evil pizza cutters! I would insert that "oh-ee-oh" sound effect here, but I don't need to. They already put it in.
Soldiers: Oh-ee-oh. Ee-oh.
NC: I do love it when the show makes the jokes for me.
NC (vo): So the evil forces are led by King Hippo, from the game (Mike Tyson's) Punch-Out; Eggplant Wizard, from Kid Icarus; and Mother Brain, from Metroid.
Mother Brain: It won't be long before I, beautiful goddess that I am...
NC: Good, god. It's like if my mucus became a drag queen. [Mother Brain laughs evilly] By the way, tell me if that sassy voice sounds familiar.
Mother Brain: Then I'll be the beautiful queen of Video Land!
Audrey II: Does this look inanimate to you, punk?!
NC: That's right! It's the plant, from Little Shop of Horrors. I guess he's just always playing genderly ambiguous monsters with no feet...
Mother Brain: One human alone could never beat me!
NC: So this is what happens when you cross Joan Rivers with Tina Turner.
Mother Brain: That's right!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, inside the Palace of Power, we see the other video game characters trying to protect the palace, like Megaman.
Megaman: A pleasure to serve you, your worship. (Different clips play) You get a low score for this game. If Kid Icarus trusts you, I trust you!
NC as Megaman: It's like if Popeye smoked an entire Marlboro factory!
Back to the characters
NC: Kid Icarus, who would later be known in the gaming world as Pit.
- (This is actually a mistake on both Critic and the show's parts, as the character's name was ALWAYS Pit and was never at any point Kid Icarus)
Kid Icarus: She's very much upset-icus. (Diffrent clips play) My arrows will stop that ape-icus maximus! Speaking of her highnicus...
NC: Yeah, you probably caught on that his funny thing is saying "-icus" at the end of words. In-fucking-genious!
Kid Icarus: There's someone at the door-icus... (Diffeent clips play) You can count of me, Princess-icus! You big ape-icus.
NC as Kid Icarus: My testicus haven't dropped-icus...
NC (vo): And Simon Belmont, from the Castlevania games.
Simon: Megaman, shine my boots. Kid Icarus, I could use a little trim. Not too much off the top.
NC: Oh, Simon. What have they done to you?
Simon: I know.
NC (vo): They took this cool badass of a superhero and turned him into a foppy, egotistical, gay-wad!
Simon: I'm the handsomest, so I must find the Princess and kiss her.
NC: It's like if Bruce Campbell's chin never stopped growing.
Simon: Ew, slime!
NC (vo): I mean, where did they even get the idea to gay him up so much? I mean, the original hero has long hair, wears leather, carries a whip, jumps around in a skirt- I think I just answered my own question.
Simon: Let a real man show you how it's done.
NC (vo): The ruler of the Palace of Power is Princess Lana. Oh yeah, from the game... 80's Fashion Vomit?
(Shows a picture of a fake NES game entitled "80's Fashion Vomit" to fit in with the joke.)
NC (vo): Ok, so Lana was never actually a video game character. They just made her up*
- Actually she did appear in the comic book that this show was originally based on.
Lana: You may have helped me win the battle, but the war is far from over.
NC (vo): And like a lot of these shows, I got to ask again: Why the hell isn't she a queen? I mean I know younger girls associate princesses with youth and beauty, but come on! If there's no one else there to rule, you're a goddamn queen!
Lana: It is I who should apologize to you.
NC (vo): But just like a lot of other shows I've reviewed, they get to keep their cute little title because the king is still technically alive, but just not around.
Lana: I've tried to lead my people since you disappeared but I failed.
(The Critic then imitates her with a Random Plot Generator running below)
NC as Lana: I'm still a princess because my father's ...
RPG: Lost. Dead. Drunk. Darth Vader. Insane. Stuck.
NC as Lana: ...stuck. Yeah, that's it. ... in a ...
RPG: Time warp. Black hole. Castle. Elevator. Parallel Dimension.
NC as Lana: ...parallel dimension. Ooh, that's rich. ... where he has no royal authority.
RPG: He just eats combos and farts.
NC as Lana: So I don't have to make any hard choices or take any responsibility ...
RPG: Just bumming it.
NC as Lana: ...because he still technically is king and I just have to smile and wear pretty dresses.
RPG: Go me!
NC as Lana: Politics is fun!
(Alright, back to the review)
NC (vo): So, seeing how's there's only four people and no guards in the palace, I guess we're not surprised that it's being taken over, but luckily a magic element informs our heroes that a lone warrior is being summoned to help them. A magic element simply known as The Power Glove.
Power Glove: The legend of Video Land foretells of a young warrior. He is Captain N, The Game Master. Behold, the ultimate warp zone!
NC: It's like the power glove of the frickin' gods! Where the hell would they get such a magical entity!?
Lucas: I love the power glove. It's so bad.
NC: Lucas! Darling...
NC (vo): So the power glove goes into the real world, or at least what we consider the real world in the 80s, as a young gamer named Kevin is sucked into the realms of Video Land. By the way, do you know what the fuck this is? (he means a green mutant coming out of the TV screen) It's only on the screen for a second but they always showed it in the opening. I could never tell if that was something sucking him in or if that was him being sucked in. Is that what happens when you cross dimensions? You become the CG version of Kermit the Frog and Max Headroom?
Max Headroom (dubbed by NC): It's not easy being guh guh guh guh green!
NC (vo): So Kevin, and his little dog too, are transported to the Palace of Power where Lana and the others are waiting.
Kevin: Simon Belmont? Kid Icarus? Megaman?
NC as Kevin: Wow, you look nothing like your original designs!
Lana: The ultimate warp zone brought you here.
Kevin: You mean like Warp Zone 4 in Super Mario Bros?
NC as Lana: No, that game is much cooler.
Lana: The legend foretold of you coming here to restore peace and freedom to our world. That's why it gave you that super power pad and zapper.
NC (with an announcer voice): Only $19.95. Available at most video game outlets. Castlevania, Kid Icarus, Megaman, and whatever the hell this chick was in are also available.
NC (vo): Thus is the plot to Captain N: Our five heroes trying to stop the evil Mother Brain from taking over the Palace of Power.
Announcer: Captain N. the Game Master!
NC: By the way, I know this is really immature but have you ever listened to the announcer say that title without actually reading it? It sounds different. Listen.
Announcer: Captain N, the Gay Master!
NC: Doesn't it sound like that? I mean, I know I just made a gay joke, but that's what it sounds like! Wouldn't the more appropriate title be ...
NC as Announcer: Captain N, the Sexually Confused Yet Physically and Emotionally Open Minded Master!
NC (vo): So, you know, asides from lame lines, nonsensical stories, and completely misunderstood character development, what specifically is wrong with this show? Well how about the fact that nothing in this world is consistent. For example, we clearly see that pretty much anytime he wants, Kevin can use his Nintendo Pad to pause reality. Well, why the hell doesn't he just do that all the time? Wouldn't that make everything a lot easier? I mean, how come he doesn't just confront Mother Brain like this?
Mother Brain: Prepare to meet your match, Captain N! Ah ha ha!
(NC pauses the show and then shoots Mother Brain with his gun)
NC: I'm awesome.
(Then the announcer says the title with the words "End of Series" over the screen)
NC (vo): Or how about these warp zones that they keep using? They can apparently jump from world to world whenever they want, so why don't they just warp to the inside of the enemy's room and zap them? In fact, they DO THAT a few times! It seems so easy except they don't bring any guards armies or anything. They just use the Eggplant guy who just shits out some vegetables!
Eggplant Wizard: I'm just an incompetent vegetable.
NC (vo): Again, why doesn't Kevin just use the warp zone and shoot Mother Brain when she's in the middle of a hammy speech?
Mother Brain: I'm not only the most beautiful brain in the world but I'm the ...
(NC appears out of nowhere and shoots Mother Brain again)
NC: I'm awesome.
(End of Series gag again)
NC (vo): But no. There's always some lame-ass excuse as to why he can't just blast her!
Kevin: Into the warp zone! It's too dangerous to finish her off.
NC as Kevin: We're contractually obligated to keep stalling for three more seasons!
NC (vo): There were also things that were never in the game that they just flat-out made up. Like did you know that Simon Belmont's whip literally has a mind of its own?
Simon: I'm not going to do anything. But my whip is going to whup you.
NC (in a gay voice): Now, his sexual preference I can't speak for. Hee hee hee hee hee hee! Oh my!
NC (vo): Yeah, it's pretty easy to make fun of this guy, especially when you see how he's defeated half of the time.
(Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo capture Simon Belmont with a bag)
NC (vo): A bag. The greatest vampire hunter in the world is defeated by a bag.
NC: This guy couldn't defeat Count Chocula!
Simon: Of course.
NC (vo): Also, isn't Kevin's mother worried about him? I mean there must be missing posters all throughout the neighborhood. Wouldn't she be worried sick? In fact, in the first episode he actually has a chance to go back, but decides not to. That's a good lesson for the kids, right? If it comes down to video games or your family, always pick the fucking video games.
Kevin's Mother: Kevin, you better not be playing that foolish game. You have homework to do. And don't forget to take out the trash!
Kevin: On second thought, I guess I could stay a little while longer.
NC: Hmm. Life threatening situations of certain doom or taking out the trash ... ... Have fun filing those police reports, Mom!
NC (vo): That and the animation is just horrible, and I mean horrible. Like look at the expression on Simon's face here. Did he just give himself a full frontal lobotomy?
Knight: No one enters Castle Iron Squire!
NC as Simon: Duuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!
Knight: I don't except credit cards!
NC (vo): And look at this! They actually forgot to put in the BACKGROUND. Are you fucking serious? And trust me, this isn't some kind of artistic license. They're in the middle of a bayou. There is no reason it should look like this. And I would understand if maybe they did once by accident, but I counted it. They do it SEVEN times!
Sister Maria: Seven?
NC (vo): That's right. Seven!
Sister Maria: Well yes, but seven?
NC (vo): I guess they could have, you know, watched this before they sent it out to air. I mean I know it means having to sit through an entire episode and lord knows they're hard enough to watch, but my thought is that would sorta be required!
NC: I mean seriously. What moron would have just a PLAIN WHITE BACKGROUND THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME? ... He'd be a fucking idiot.
NC (vo): And how about these rocking dance moves the heroes have?
NC as Lana: Duh!
Lana: Oh, I like this!
NC (vo): Wow, if you thought white people dancing was bad, try animated white people dancing. That's right, princess, move that one leg! Flop the geriatric drowning look.
(The Critic then mimics their dancing in a loop)
NC (vo): As the show sadly got more and more popular, they actually decided to add a new character just blatantly called Game Boy. Bet you'd never guess what product they're trying to push here.
Game Boy: Ready to commence gameplay.
NC (vo): Apparently, Lana's father, who's trapped in the Dimension of Cheap Cop-Out Writing, has decided that instead of him entering back into the real world, he'll send this marketing ploy.
King: I've decided it's best for Video Land to send another in my place. He is called Game Boy. We believe he will one day be our greatest hero.
NC as King: Anyone who doesn't have one will be a loser. Run out to the video stores now. Dumbledore commands you, bitches!
NC (vo): So they get Game Boy, who really has no personality or characteristics other than the fact that he sounds like a crappy download of Slimer.
Game Boy: I am called Game Boy. I am programmed to play games.
NC as King: Yes, Game Boy will be our greatest hero as he ruins all your possessions, try shooting you in armed combat machinery, and even manages to destroy your kitchen appliances! Truly I am a good king!
NC (vo): But probably the one episode most people remember is the Zelda episode, where Captain N literally does a crossover with Link and Zelda from the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. How does this come about? Well, Zelda gets in contact with the Palace of Power for assistance.
Zelda: Hyrule calling the Palace of Power. We're in need of a hero.
NC as Zelda: I would use the one we have now but ...
Link: Well excuuuuuuuuu...
NC as Zelda: Yeah, that's not gonna work.
NC (vo): So Kevin works his way down to Hyrule because they heard rumors that Ganon is not yet destroyed and may actually be regaining his power.
Kevin: You're a real video legend where I come from, Link.
NC: That's why your name never appears in the title. Zelda knows how to pay for top billing.
NC (vo): But its weird because it's the same voice actors but not exactly the same designs. I mean, Link looks like he got stuck in a fucking potato sack! When did the character look like that? And Zelda probably doesn't look any better ... Whoa boy! When did Zelda go all naval?
Zelda: You two heroes can pat yourselves on the back some other time.
NC: I guess she's taking the Disney Princess approach. And God bless her for it.
Zelda: We have important business.
Link: Oh, yeah right. Ganon!
Kevin: I thought you wiped him out for good.
Link: So did I. But we just heard a rumor that someone's trying to bring him back.
Zelda: They're searching for a magic potion that will restore his power. We've got to find it first.
NC: Ah, yes. I remember that magic element that was meant to bring back an evil that was almost destroyed. In fact, I was there...
(He then dramatically turns his head)
NC: I was there when the strength of men fell.
(And we're suddenly transported into a flashback between the Critic and Super Mario, reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)
NC: Cast it into the fire! Destroy It!
Mario: No... Suck my big fat meatballs. (Leaves)
NC: Mario! MARIOOOOO!
(Cut back to the present)
NC: It should've ended that day. There was no more strength left in the world of plumbers... So anyway!
NC (vo): Kevin, Link, Zelda, and Game Boy all travel to the village to find any info on the Potion of Power.
Zelda: Excuse me?
Zelda: Don't be afraid.
NC (vo): I like how the peasants actually dress more royally than Zelda does. That's a pretty bad sign.
(Our heroes then save a boy from a Moblin)
Peasant: Thank you for saving my son, kind sir! Please, take this as a reward. It's a map to an ancient desert palace that will unlock the potion of power you seek.
NC as Peasant: All us peasants carry maps to potions of power... It's like backward hats: it just caught on.
NC (vo): So as they continue on their quest, they find that Link isn't exactly a fan of Kevin, as they constantly try to show off in front of each other.
Link: In case you haven't noticed, this isn't a game.
Kevin: I can't just sit here and watch.
Link: Yeah right!
Both Kevin and Link: I'll get it.
Link: You're the hotshot game master.
NC: (singing) My cock's bigger than your cock. My cock's double the size that yours is.
NC (vo): But can you really blame him for getting upset? Zelda kisses Kevin in like a millisecond. Hasn't Link been trying to get her to do that for years?
Zelda: We did it. We saved Hyrule thanks to you. (Kisses Kevin)
NC: (imitates Link) Whatjuba? Whatjuba, you fucking cocktease? Was saving your ass over and over just not enough to get a little visit to first base? Fuck You!
NC (vo): So, they fight through all sorts of baddies when they finally get to the potion of power guarded by a knight named Metalhead.*
- The knight's name is actually Iron Knuckle.
Link: He's got Zelda!
NC: No kidding, Zelda's captured. That's what really happens.
NC (vo): But Eggplant and Hippo get the potion and give it to Ganon to help regain his strength.
Ganon: Link! And you brought your friends for my coming-out party!
NC: (shocked) You know I had some suspicions about the dress, but really this is quite a surprise.
NC as Ganon: My pork sausage is your pork sausage.
NC (vo): So the master of evil has all his power. How are they going to stop him?
(By having Link reflect his blast and shoot him back into the sky in like 2 seconds)
NC: So Ganon's a bit of a puss, who knew?
Zelda: The best team of heroes ever. (She FINALLY kisses Link)
NC as Zelda: Let's celebrate by... pretending to make a pizza!
NC (vo): So, that's Captain N: The Game Master. What a load of dumb. It's just like playing a real video game minus the process of actually enjoying it. In fact, I wish this was a video game. That way I can just use my game genie to jump all the way to the end credits whose names coincidentally all happen to be Alan Smithee.
NC: Me personally. I can't wait for half the cast of this show to turn up on Video Game Confessions!
Dominic: Oy. You don't want to hear that. It uh... ...it involves Mother Brain's genitalia.
NC: All right, all right! God!
Dominic: Told you.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.