Care Bears in Wonderland
August 2, 2011
(The NC is looking rather happy)
NC: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (normal) This is it. This is finally it. The last one. We are at the FINAL "CARE BEARS" MOVIE!!!
(The NC dances happily in his chair as text reading "The Final Care Bears Movie" are displayed over fireworks. Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" is played in the background)
NC: Oh, it's been hard. It's been an enchanted realm of shit watching these films. But we're finally here. The very last one! Taste the rainbow, motherfuckers! This is "Care Bears in Wonderland"!
(NOTE: The movie is actually credited as "The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland".)
(The title card of the movie is shown, followed by footage as the NC speaks)
NC: (voiceover) Well, these may not be the worst films I've ever seen; there's just an annoyance that goes along with the Care Bears name. And this film is no exception. Not only do they insult the intelligence of the younger audience watching this, but now they insult the intelligence of the timeless Lewis Carroll books. That's two slaps in the face for one!
NC: How bad is it? Well, apparently, it wasn't even good enough to get a DVD release. So that means that this...
Jason (from the first "Care Bears" movie; singing): Do you have a house made all out of wood?
NC: ...and this...
Darkheart (from Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation): Time for a game of disappearing bears.
NC: ...deserve much better treatment than this. (points to the VHS copy, then slams down on his desk, speaking in a demonic voice) BRING IT ON!!!!!!
NC: (voiceover) So we see this time instead of a movie company making this film, we instead get a movie theater company [Cineplex Odeon Films]. Because obviously nobody should keep this gift of cinema away from the movie-going public.
(The movie's main theme, Natalie Cole's "Rise and Shine", plays)
NC (voiceover): And I guess they actually got Natalie Cole to sing the opening song this time. Give her some credit, though. She puts more energy into it than Carole King, who sounds like she's singing it in her fucking sleep.
Carole King: (from the first "Care Bears" movie; singing) Care-a-Lot is a rainbow of fantasies/For laughing out loud
NC: (mocking King) Care-a-Lot is a place we all can go... (snores) for laughing and singing.
NC (voiceover): So we start off with Grumpy Bear waking up to a strange surprise. A white rabbit is stuck in his mirror. (as Grumpy Bear) Ooh, must be the side effects of the anti-depressants.
Grumpy Bear: Who are you?
Rabbit: No time for questions. (grabs Grumpy Bear by the legs and flies out)
NC (voiceover): So it turns out the rabbit is looking for Swiftheart. Why? Get this: because they're related!
Swiftheart: Uncle! What brings you all the way from Wonderland?
NC (voiceover): Yeah, that's right. The rabbit from "Alice in Wonderland" is related to the rabbit from "Care Bears". No shit. What other family tree surprises do you think are out there? Do you think Slippy is related to Mr. Toad? Or Toto is related to Beethoven? Or Tom Thumb is related to Danny DeVito?
NC: The possibilities are just endless!
NC (voiceover): But actually, that's not even the biggest surprise. Here's the real shocker for me.
Rabbit: ...the whereabouts of my niece Swiftheart Rabbit by name.
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, Swiftheart is a chick?! I never knew that! Oh, my God, I totally thought he was a dude this whole time! Okay, I don't need all women to wear bows and dresses and stuff but... some kinda clue would be nice!
NC: I mean, you know, bigger eyelashes, or redder lips, or...
(A picture of Lola Bunny is seen with the words "Bunny Boobies", accompanied by a dramatic sting)
NC: Nope, nope! We are not opening that door again!
Rabbit: What brought me here? Well, she did! Her! You and your friends must help me find this girl!
NC: Oh, you mean...Princess Peach?
NC (voiceover): Yeah, there's no comparison. It's fucking Princess Peach! And we find out later that she's been kidnapped by an evil monster in a magical land from a giant castle. Why is it that fucking Care Bears in Wonderland is closer to a Super Mario Bros. movie than the ACTUAL Super Mario Bros. movie?!
NC: Okay okay, keep the review focused. We're hating this film.
NC (voiceover): So it turns out they have to find this princess character, or else.
Braveheart: Or else what?
Rabbit: Or else an evil wizard will take over all of Wonderland, and everyone there will be forced to obey him!
NC (voiceover): So rather than do something crazy like... oh, I don't know... search Wonderland for her, the rabbit decides to get the Care Bears to roam the earth and try to find her.
Grumpy Bear: What about breakfast?
NC (voiceover): I just love the fact that the whole world has totally accepted the fact that just Care Bears exist now. For them, it's just an everyday occurrence.
Even pilots from Batman: The Movie (1966) notice the Care Bears flying and dropping flyers
NC (voiceover): Nobody questions the fact that these things are walking around. Hell, they even drop by a zoo. How confusing is that to see a bear out of a cage at a fucking zoo?! You think they talk to the other bears there?
NC: Hey. (pounds his chest and gives a bear a peace sign) Keep strong my brother. Fight the good fight.
A bear gives NC a peace sign as well
NC (voiceover): So while they don't find her, they do find a girl that looks very similar to her. Her name is Alice, big surprise, and she's sad because she doesn't feel special.
Alice: What's the use? They're such special people, and I'm... I'm just me. Oh, Dinah. It doesn't matter what I do. I'm just not special.
NC (voiceover as Alice): Oh, curse this youthful face, expressive eyes, glowing hair, perfect teeth, clear skin, and excellent speaking voice. I want to be special!
NC: You know, like Suzie down the street with her head retainer, bad acne, and unexplained third eye. She's the girl we all want to be!
NC (voiceover): But faster than you can say "Who fucking cares?," the Care Bears arrive to explain their situation.
Rabbit: The resemblance is remarkable. But the rest, the clothes, the hair.
Grumpy Bear: You look just like the princess!
Rabbit: Hmm, I'm not sure. I'm not sure she's special enough.
NC (mocking rabbit): I think we were closer talking to that Suzie chick with the three-eye.
A scream is heard, presumbly Alice's, and NC jumps
Alice: Well I, I couldn't go alone.
Swiftheart: You don't have to, Alice.
Friend Bear: We're ready.
Good Luck Bear: And willing.
Braveheart: And able.
Right NC: (as Alice) Actually, I sorta meant talking to my parents about going on this whole trip.
Left NC: (as one of the Care Bears) Uh yeah, you probably don't want to bring this up to them. Uh, what we're doing is most likely very, very illegal, seeing how you're a minor. Uh, the best way to look at this is a very whimsical adventure and that way we don't have to bring in the authorities.
Right NC: Well, couldn't I least call my mom or...
Left NC: Do it or I'll eat you.
Right NC: Okay.
NC (voiceover): So they start going through the mirror, when suddenly the evil wizard breaks it into pieces. Meaning the team is split up. Rather than just... oh, I don't know, going into another mirror, they decide to find an enchanted hole to climb into. What a coincidence! I also have an enchanted hole these schmucks can climb into!
Grumpy Bear: How about looking for breakfast first?
NC (voiceover): Oh yeah, there's a running joke by the way where Grumpy starves because he hasn't eaten all day. What's this building up to? Oh, you'll see when we get there.
Grumpy Bear falls into a hole
NC (voiceover as Rabbit): You might remember this from the much better Disney movie. (as Grumpy) Oh, you mean with Johnny Depp? (as Rabbit) No, the much better Disney movie! (normal) So the two groups venture though Wonderland. As you'd imagine, it's goofy, crazy, and all those other things you've come to expect. But then the evil wizard named... evil wizard sends out his two henchmen, whom I can only assume are called Tweedle-Annoying, and Tweedle-Obnoxious. They are sent out to stop them from reaching the castle.
Alice: Who are you?
Dim: Eh, eh, uh, the, uh, palace...
Dum: Told us to, uh, to, uh, give a, uh...
Dim: The Queen! The Queen! The palace told us to give the Queen a lift to, uh, uh...
Dim: No, no, no...
Both: What my brother means is...
NC: You may notice the lack of enjoyment emanating from these these characters, and instead replaced with undiluted sodomy of the senses. Now, the reason behind this is... God hates you and He shows it with Care Bears.
NC (voiceover): But Tweedle-Dick and Tweedle-Cheese quickly send out their giant red robots for them. That's right. Giant robots. Clearly fitting the Victorian-based novel that this hack film was loosely based on, but hey, if Tim Burton can throw in break dancing, I guess Care Bears can throw in giant robots.
Care Bears "stare" him down
NC (voiceover): But the Care Bears defeat the giant robots and eventually meet up with the other group. Just when they're trying to figure out what to do next, they hear a strange rapping sound.
Rabbit: (annoyed) The Chesire cat, who else?
Rapping Cat: You know I see the princess in a lonely room / Where the wizard's got her locked away / Now he's one bad dude, he's in a nasty mood / And he wants to be the king someday.
NC (voiceover): You know, it's funny. This is the only character I find myself actually kind-of liking this whole film, but maybe that's because the bar has been set phenomenally low that even a rapping cat in Alice in Wonderland is odd-be-ups.
NC: Yeah, how'd you like to see a rap-off between the rapping cat from Care Bears and the rapping dog from Titantic... oh God, I said it!
Such rap-off occurs
Peter Venkman: (from Ghostbusters) Dogs and cats, living together... MASS HYSTERIA!
NC: Stop, stop! I never thought I'd say this, but put Care Bears back on!
NC (voiceover): So the team splits up again, one goes to get Alice to the castle, and the other goes to find the princess.
Grumpy Bear: I'm so hungry, I'm starting to see things.
NC (voiceover): Still building up that joke. You won't believe how disappointing the payoff is.
Grumpy Bear: (imitating some pirate) Avast, me hardies! 'Tis a fair wind, and clear sailing ahead!
NC (voiceover): So it turns out, they come across a series of hats that makes them believe they're different people.
Swiftheart: It must belong to the Mad Hatter. I'll bet he left it behind so we could follow him!
Braveheart: So that's what the Cheshire cat meant by "use our heads!"
NC: I suppose you could've told us that straightforward, but it wouldn't have been so forcefully hip! (starts dancing to rap beats)
NC (voiceover): So while they follow the... hats, I guess, the other team goes over their battleplan.
Alice: Mr. Rabbit, I was wondering, what exactly does a princess do?
NC (mocking the rabbit): Well, mostly sell toys, piss off feminists, and make girls question their own sense of self-worth. (pause) Tell me I'm wrong!
NC (voiceover): But then Tweedle-Dip and Tweedle-Shit drop by and throw her in their evil carriage. So they stop her from getting to the castle as they take her to... the castle. You just brought her to the place she was going anyway! I think you're plan's a little backwards, Jafar!
Wizard: I am the wizard of Wonderland!
Alice: Well, why don't you leave Wonderland alone?!
Wizard: Wonderland needs me!
NC (voiceover): So of course he sings about how he wants to bring rules and order to a place where they don't seem to fly. Now, tell me listening to the song if this sounds a little bit familiar.
NC compares part of the lyrics to the Galaxy song from "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"
Wizard (singing): And I'm just the man for the job!
Eric Idle (singing): And you feel that you've had quite enough!
Wizard (singing): Now, don't you ever wonder 'bout Wonderland how everything is upside-down.
Eric Idle (singing): Remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving and revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, pretty friggin' close, aren't they? Needless to say, the sequence would be a lot better if there were some animated Terry Gilliam boobies floating around.
Wizard (singing): The creatures are so crazy in their Wonderland, they don't know that it's turned around.
NC (voiceover): And I know I talked about this before in my Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments but I'm gonna bring it up again. Just before the evil wizard finishes his song, for a split second he makes one of the scariest faces, period.
Wizard: Everything at my command...
The face is seen
NC (voiceover): Did you miss it? Let's play it again.
Wizard: Everything at my command...
NC shows us the face again
NC (voiceover): God...DAMN is that freaky! Let it haunt your nightmares for weeks!
NC: Oh, don't think it's that bad? Don't think it's that creepy? Let's try replacing it with that scary face from the Don't Be Afraid of the Dark trailer.
The face is edited to be seen in that very trailer
NC: Fucking scary!
Wizard: You think for a single moment that a silly, frightened, plain little girl like you could fool anyone into believing that you are a real princess?!
NC (as Alice): He's torturing me with observations about my plainness! (normal) So, in a rather bizarre move, he leads her into the room where the Queen is and everybody believes that she's the princess. Well, why did you do that, dumbass? You had her right there, you could've killed her or locked her up or something! Instead you just sped up their plan! You know, instead of evil wizard, I think they should've called you "Friggin' Dumb Ox!"
Queen: Tomorrow, she shall become queen of Wonderland!
NC (voiceover): So unlike the queen in the original book, who was nasty and hate-filled, this queen is nice and jolly. And clearly has no idea how to govern because these are some damn weird rules they have to abide by.
Queen: The wizard has hidden my daughter somewhere to make certain she'll miss the coronation tomorrow. I'll have no choice but to pass my crown onto him.
NC: Well, why don't you just stay queen then?
Queen: I'd have him cast out of Wonderland this instant, but I have no proof!
NC: When have you needed proof in Wonderland? Didn't you hear the song? Everything's topsy-turvy and upside-down! What's with all the laws?
Queen: With you standing in place of the princess, the wizard cannot be crowned king of Wonderland.
NC (voiceover): And yeah, that's another thing. Have you noticed what the princess' name is? Princess! Have you noticed what the queen's name is? Queen!
NC: How can you swear in people in this world of rules and laws when you DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEIR FUCKING NAMES ARE!?
NC (voiceover): So they dress her up and teach her how to be all princessy so she can fool the crowd.
Alice: How difficult can drinking tea and playing croquet be?
NC: Apparently not as hard as finding a good editor.
Friend Bear: You're doing great, Alice!
Alice: Thanks to my friendly flamingo!
Flamingo: I just happen to be the best in the business!
Pink text appears reading "With Hugh Jackman as Flamingo" along with the movie's opening theme
NC (voiceover): So by following the hats, the group makes it to a cave where they find the Mad Hatter, who apparently was smart enough to lead people to the princess' location, but not actually smart enough to save her himself.
NC: You know, the lack of logic in the characters' lack of logic really lacks of logic!
Mad Hatter: You like hats? I'm mad about hats!
NC: Well I've heard of worse reasons for a song.
Mad Hatter starts singing an awful song
MH: And now a hat is a wonderful thing you see. Every one's got its own personality. You just slip it on and instantly, you can be anybody that you wanna be! You like hats?...
NC: Uh yeah, um, isn't there a princess we were supposed to save? Uh, crowning ceremony that could happen at any moment? Um... Sort of a time-is-of-the-essence thing here, you know? I, uh... Is there a hat to shut you the FUCK UP?!
Mad Hatter: You like hats? I'm mad about hats!
NC (voiceover): So they find the princess is being kept in the...living room of the Jabberwocky. Strange, but stupid, where they get her out and escape the giant beast.
Mad Hatter: Come on. Let's get outta here!
Good Luck Bear: But what about the Jabberwocky? He's got a thorn in his paw!
Princess: The poor creature. That explains why he's so miserable!
NC: (mocking the princess) Makes me totally forget the fact that he held me hostage and is dooming a nation.
NC (voiceover): So of course they pull the thorn out, and the Jabberwocky is suddenly a good guy.
Jabberwocky: Thank you.
Grumpy Bear: You're very welcome, Mr. (stutters saying Jabberwocky)
Jabberwocky: Call me Stan, it's much easier to say.
NC (voiceover): Okay, Stan. Yeah, the Jabberwocky that we just met in the third act is named Stan. And yet there are still THREE MAJOR CHARACTERS with no names!
NC: Where are your priorities, movie? Do you just want us to forget we watched you?
NC (voiceover): So he starts flying them to the castle, where Alice is now being commanded to do the princess test.
Alice: What's the princess test?
Queen: It's a test that only a true princess can pass.
NC: Well, you take a dozen mattresses, take one teeny tiny little pea... and then run a DNA test, to see if it matches the Queen. Pretty straightforward.
NC (voiceover): So I guess the book of wonder calls for her to climb a mountain, bring a cup of water down from the well to make the sleeping flowers bloom.
Alice is on a ledge of a steep mountain
NC (voiceover): You know, this doesn't seem especially princessy! I mean where in the book does it say she has to climb a friggin' mountain in a goddamn ball gown?!
NC: Is that sorta like training a Navy Seal by having a tea party?
A somewhat familiar looking vulture appears
NC (voiceover): Oh hey, look it's Daaaarrkkheaaaaaartttt!!!!
Oh no, the rapping cat returns!
CC (rapping): Be brave, little Alice, believe in yourself. 'Cause here's the most important part. While the others all remember to use their heads, you just remember to use your heart. That's right. Remember to use your heart. Uh-huh.
NC: Eh, that was okay. But it was no... Pig Power in Da House!
Rapping Cat continues rapping
NC (as Alice): Uh, yeah, do you think you can give me a lift up, or something? I mean, the rap is nice, but I have to climb this mountain in heels for god's sake! Nothing? Nada? Okay, I'm just gonna act like you have a point in this movie. (normal) So she gets the water from the well, and SOMEHOW climbs down without spilling it, but then comes across a unicorn, which she can't help but give the water to. And wouldn't you know it, that was part of the test! What a shock! But it's not over yet! She still has to make the flowers bloom. Now how the hell is she gonna do tha...
She simply touches the flowers with her fingertips
NC (voiceover): Well, I guess deep down inside, maybe she was really special enough to find the heart and courage to rule over a kingdom. Discovering that she's much stronger than she ever thought possible.
Alice: You're wrong. I'm the fake!
NC: Or they just switch places, that- that works too.
Doublemint jingle plays
NC (voiceover): So the jig is up and the wizard is sent to jail, allowing Alice to finally return home. That must be a pretty entertaining story to tell the folks.
NC (voice offscreen imitating a daughter): Dad, I just got back from Wonderland, where an evil wizard tried to take over, but a some magic bears helped me out to save the princess and make the flowers bloom!
NC: Take your meds!
Braveheart: Hey, where's Grumpy going?
Friend Bear: I've got a pretty good idea!
NC (voiceover): Oh yeah. Would you like to know what this running gag with Grumpy being hungry all the time finally amounts to? Oh, you're gonna be so happy!
Friend Bear: Oh, Grumpy!
Grumpy Bear (rapping): Now hold your tushie-tags, it's time I spoke, can't remember when I ate last. I've been starvin' since we started and that's no joke. Man, I was fading fast!
NC (voiceover): Really. You're giving us a rap. A grumpy rap. This is what the whole movie has been building that goddamn joke up to this whole time! THAT'S...REALLY...DUMB!!!
Grumpy: ...Where I'm filling up my belly with ice cream and jelly and topping it with pickled beets, mmm-mmmmmm!
Braveheart: Pickled beets? (faints)
Grumpy: Uh-huh - topping it with pickled beets, oh yeah!
NC: But hey, on the bright side, at least we don't have to hear a rap from the Cheshire cat.
CC: Yo, Grumpy Bear, I gotta hand it to you...
The NC is rocking back and forth in agony with his fingers in his gears, grunting.
CC: ...princess and the Queen of Hearts and did right by my man, Stan! You put the Wizard in his place now everything's safe - everything in Wonderland.
A clip of the Super Mario Bros cartoon theme - also a rap - plays for a few seconds.
Mario Bros. (rapping): You'll meet the koopas, the troopas, the princess and the others. Hangin' with the plumbers you'll be hooked on the brothers. To the brink!
CC: ...I can't wait to eat uh-huh, with the Care Bear family, that's right...
Braveheart: Pickled beets? Oooh! (faints)
NC (voiceover): Oh, hahaha, and that joke worked so well the first time, you just had to repeat it, huh?
NC: Well, repeat this! (hits the VHS copy of the movie with a hammer three times) THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
NC: (voiceover) They all do. But this one in particular is just so forgettable. The story is fluff, the characters are fluff. The only thing that's kinda neat is when you see something creatively weird in Wonderland, but even then it's very rare and is usually placed very safe and conservative. So there's not much to look at. While the second one was probably worse, I have to admit that one at least had Daaaaaarrrkkkheaaaarrrtttt, who is much more memorable than anything else in this flick!
The screen cap of the wizard's scary face pops up again
NC (voiceover): Eeehh!!! Except for that!
NC: All I gotta say, is I'm glad I'm done with these movies. They're far too cutsie and bland for my tastes. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I don't care!
NC (as Care Bears) Did someone say care?
NC: (grabs a hammer) Excuse me one moment.
NC begins hitting the Care Bears with the hammer just before the credits roll
Braveheart: Pickle beets? (faints)
Ending tagline: I'm just not special.