(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing the title of Cars 2. The song "Collision of Worlds" by Brad Paisley and Robbie Williams plays throughout)
Doug (vo): [Speaking quickly] Everyone says Cars 2 sucks. It does. Let's talk about it.
[An action sequence from the film is briefly shown, before showing various clips]
Doug (vo): [Sighs] Well, you all know what I thought of the first Cars film, and heck, even people who liked the first film know that they can't like the second one because, good God, why would anyone make a sequel to this one?! I mean, it's just the stupidest goddamn concept, and yet, THEY STILL MADE A SE--?! [Immediately calms down] My point is, that if you thought the first film didn't have much of a premise, this one is definitely running on fumes.
Doug (vo): The story, or as best I can follow it...it's surprisingly kind of complicated...has to deal with a secret agent of cars. That's right, it's a spy car flick. There's some sort of evil corporation that wants to keep cars running on gasoline instead of some sort of other new energy-safe fuel. That's right. So it's an environmentally-safe spy car fil...oh. The tow truck, played by Larry the Cable Guy, gets confused for a spy, so he has to go in and try to figure out what this evil corporation is up to. They find out that the corporation is rigging races, that's right, to fool people into still using gasoline instead of the energy-safe stuff. Yeah, remember how I said in WALL-E, they have sort of a subtle environmental message and then they hammer it on the head just a little too much? This is a fucking jackhammer on the head. Even Captain Planet is coming in, saying this is not subtle enough. But anyway, the tow truck keeps getting by, fooling the other people into thinking he's a super spy, even if he's not entirely aware of it himself. They think it's all just a show, that he's just playing stupid to convince the enemy that he really is stupid, when in actuality, he really is stupid. A cute concept, but, yeah, I've seen this a few times before, too. All the other cars, like Owen Wilson and...I don't know, whoever the hell else was in the other film...doesn't seem to make much of an appearance. They go looking for the tow truck, but it's only a once-in-a-while cameo. You're basically watching Larry the Cable Guy and...
Doug (vo): Yeah, if you say that, you can see at least one of the major problems of this film. The other is that, you don't care! This is a dumb idea! The whole idea of Cars was a dumb idea, but now you're turning into a spy flick? What did the first one even have to do with spies? It didn't! Where is this coming from? The big reveal at the end about who the bad guy is is not really surprising and, honestly, I kind of forgot who the character was, so it wasn't even that big of a hit. And the rest of the film is mostly just been asking the same questions you asked in the first one, like, "How do cars sit down? Do they sit down? Do they stand up? How do the toilets work?"
[A scene with Mater stuck in the toilet is shown]
Doug (vo): Actually, I take it back. There's a funny scene with the Japanese toilet and that made me laugh. Why is it the only jokes that make me laugh in these movies are the toilet jokes? That's...not a good sign.
[Various other clips resume showing]
Doug (vo): And again, I can't think of anything horrible for kids not to watch. I mean, is there anything really offensive in it or any bad morals? Not really. But it's just...stupid! It's a stupid idea, it's a stupid execution, it has stupid characters, it's just...this is Pixar. I mean, frigging Pixar! I mean, why didn't you make The Incredibles 2? In fact, why are you making a Monsters Inc. 2? The Incredibles is just sitting there! That's practically made for a sequel, you have other super-villains, you could have the kids grow up, you can do so much. Just...really? Cars was the one that demanded the story still continue to be told?! [Sighs]
Doug (vo): Well, unlike the first one, I wasn't the only one that disliked it. The critics didn't like it, audiences didn't like it, I don't even think it was that big a hit at the box office. I think it's the first official dud that Pixar put out that I think everybody agreed was a waste of time...which, to its credit, for the lineup Pixar had with the successful movies and only now for it to have one that wasn't a hit, that's pretty impressive. But I think most people can clearly see why it wasn't a hit. It's not a good idea for a sequel, and in my opinion, it wasn't even a good idea for a first movie. The characters and stories don't warrant interest. At the most, it's a bunch of pretty images to keep your toddler quiet, and I don't think that's what people expect when they hear the name "Pixar". I mean, it's nothing like the worst movie I've ever seen or anything, but I didn't see the point in it existing, and I don't think anyone else did either. But, hey, could Pixar pull themselves out of the mud and make a big hit once again? [The poster for the next Pixar movie Brave is shown] Eh...next movie.
[The ending scene of the movie is shown, showing the spy plane flying off into the sky]