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Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham #2
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Holokara: “Catwoman: The God-awful Guardian of Gotham!”

[He throws the comic onto the couth and leaves the room as we cut to the end credits. Afterward, we cut to Linkara just after we last saw him at Aplos, the great wizard’s living room.]

Linkara: “Turning evil?’ NO I’M NOT!

Aplos: [Still in his comfy chair] Oh, yes you are! This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this. You’re arrogant, power hungry, and so deluded, you can’t even see it. You don’t value the opinions of others and your selfishness and egomania are getting to the point where you see anyone but yourself.

Linkara: [Angry] This is nonsense! You’re probably not even the real wizard! I bet this is all an elaborate trick…

[Aplos then stands up and speaks in a deep, booing voice, almost like Zordon from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.]

Aplos: SILENCE! IT IS NOT WISE TO ARGUE WITH A WIZARD, FOR WE HAVE LITTLE PATIENCE AND A LOT OF POWER! [Linkara looks shocked again, not believing Aplos’ identity. Aplos then speaks normally] And in the end, it’s power that’s the problem. Magic is a power, but so many believe it to be a path to gaining more power, domination over others, massacre and murder, just to be wicked and steal! Magic, however, is a power that can’t be used for evil.

Linkara: What do you mean by that?  

Aplos: Wizards, witches, and warlocks have existed for thousands of years. Tell me, how many history books have you opened up and found that the dark sorcerer has taken over the world?

Linkara: I…I guess I never thought about it.

Aplos: Of course, don’t you know anything about magic? You’re only focused on your problems! Magic is a force tied into the very being that wields it: their conscious, their mind, they’re very soul! It can be used in defense, it can be used to heal and help others. It cannot be used to actively or passively hurt others. A human soul knows the difference between right and wrong, even if the mind has been clouded so much that it can’t tell.

Linkara: Didn’t seem to stop Malachite.

Aplos: [Sighs and sits back down] Malachite was old when the world was young. His power was beyond anything any magic user has seen before or since. The point is, it’s very rare that someone is able to break the rules like that. In fact, the times I’ve heard about it, I can count on one hand. [And just one fingers cause it was just Malachite]

Linkara: What about curses or dark magic? Hell, that magic gun was forged in a terrible ritual!

Aplos: When that happens, they tend to be granted magic from a more powerful, dark, demonic source that doesn’t exist in this world. A god or a demon bestows a boon on some poor sap, forgetting to mention that there’s always a price.

Linkara: So, you’re saying that my magic stopped working because my soul knew I was a bad guy?

Aplos: No, it has happened yet, someone else decided too speed things up just  to get your attention.

Linkara: Who? [Aplos holds up the magic gun] The gun…Margret did?

Aplos: You know, she’s worried about you, worried about what you might become.

Linkara: I AM NOT TURNING EVIL!

Aplos: [Stands up] Oh really, tell me how often you use your powers selfishly?

[Cut to various reviews and movies where Linkara has done what Aplos said. 1st is Kickassia]

Linkara: [In his Patton voice, putting on Nostalgia Critic’s M. Bison hat] It is obviously I, who should be president!

[He laughs maniacally as thunder is heard. Cut to Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #5]

Linkara: I am the man who defeated Pyramid Head! I am the man who conquered Countdown!

[Back to present]

Aplos: How many people have you thrashed out against unreasonably?

[Cut to Battle for Bludhaven #1-2]

Linkara: YOU WHAT!?!? 90S KID, I COULD RING YOUR…

[Cut to Lady Gaga #1. Spoony screams as his room shakes.]

Linkara: I HAVE A SPACESHIP!

[Cut to the Comic Book Advertisments Special]

Douchey McNitpick: [As his room shakes] Oh, sweet Jesus! AHHH!

Linkara: Oh, how I do love owning a spaceship.

[Back to present. Linkara becoming horrified by the truth]

Aplos: How many times do you worry about your own problems before anyone elses?

[Cut back to Battle for Bludhaven #1-2]

Cloak #1: I’m only a temp now!

Linkara: [Uninterested] Yeah, life’s tough all over, I need some information.

[Cut to Superman: Distant Fire]

Iron Liz: So, what are you gonna be doing while I’m risking life and limb?

Linkara: Don’t worry, I’ll be doing the most important job of all: reviewing a crappy Else World’s comic.

[Back to present]

Aplos: And how many did you arrogantly assume that your solutions were the right ones, that your answers were the only ones?!

[Cut to Star Trek: The Motion Picture Comic]

Harvey Finevoice: Yeah, but I thought “Vigilant” was the name that the people voted for?

Linkara: Yes, but it’s not their ship, now is it!

[Cut to Battle for Bludhaven #3-4]

Harvey: KID, I REALLY…

Linkara: Harvey! I know you’re worried about me, but this is the only way.

[Back to present]

Aplos: Do you ever ignore the suffering of others?

[Cut to Sir Charles Barkley and the Referee Murders]

Linkara: But anyway, so I filled it up with gravy [Woman next to him is trying to hit her head with the magic gun] and then I just tried to kind of marinate it with a bunch of cheese and what now…

[Back to present]

Aplos: Or are you just off in your own little world, when others are trying to get you to listen for just 5 damn minutes!

[Cut to Captain Electron #1]

Linkara [v/o]: [While Linkara stands in an empty room] And of course, the thing I appreciate most about occasions like this [beat] are the people.

[Cut to Star Trek #2 ]

Linkara: Oh, so aside from the review, I was clearly nothing like that other Linkara!

Iron Liz: [Sarcastically] Right!

[Back to present]

Aplos: Our actions and our thoughts shape who we are and yours are not shaping up to be the ones of a hero. I suggest you go home and take some time to ponder who you really are, because you are going to need to help yourself.


[The end]

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