So, I'm sitting there, tending bar, when in walks a woman I've never seen before in my life named Chell.
Now, I don't know what was on or what her problem was, but she just comes barging into the bar screaming and yelling at me!
I tell her, I said, "Alright, calm down, calm down. Chill out. Take a breath. Tell me what's going on."
She says, "...I was abducted."
I say, "Abducted? By who?"
And she says, "I don't know! Just some secret science organization or some government thing, I don't know, that's... running tests on people!"
And I take one look at her in her orange jumpsuit and I say, "You sure you're not just a janitor who's hit the happy sauce pretty hard?"
And she says, "No, no! I'm telling the truth! It's some sort of sick twisted experiment that they run on people! They're trying to test them for some reason!"
And I said, "Alright, what kinda tests do they run on ya?"
And she said, "They give you this orange suit, they give you a gun, and the gun can shoot holes in the wall."
And I said, "Well... Lots of guns can do that."
And she says, "No, no, no! This was the kind of gun that you shoot a hole in the wall, and you come out the other side of the wall!"
...I say, "You sure you haven't been hitting the happy sauce?"
And she says, "I am dead serious."
Well, of course, I'm not believing a word she's saying, but just for the sake of interest I ask her to keep going.
And she says, "They run you through all sorts of weird experiments where you're supposed to shoot the gun and-and little balls of electric shocks are flying by and you're supposed to get 'em in these little other holes! It's all about holes! And there's this computer! This evil computer that keeps talking to me and calling me names!"
And I said, "Uh huh... An evil computer that keeps calling you names. Like the HAL 9000?"
And she says, "No, no. It's LIKE the HAL 9000 except it's a woman."
And I said, "Oh, of course."
And I of course ask, "Well, why you? Why'd they pick you?"
And she says, "They try to pick people that nobody would miss, that have absolutely no impact on society."
And I said, "Well, okay. What do you do for a living?"
And she said, "I was a political radio talk show host. When I disappeared, nobody noticed. In fact, nobody even asked. It was quite disconcerting, actually."
And I said, "Well, okay. How'd you get out of there?
And she said, "Well, the computer, you know, the one that's alive? And has a woman's voice?"
And I said, "Yeah."
And she said, "It has different parts of it's personality! And it keeps it's different parts of it's personality in like, these giant metal testicles!"
And I said, "You were fighting artificially intelligent metal testicles."
And she says, "YES! Is that so hard to believe?"
"So I destroy the metal testicles," she says, "and I use the portal gun to get the heck out of there! And the whole lab explodes! Big explosion! KABOOM!"
And I said, "Then what happened?"
And she said, "Well, I hightailed it to the nearest place I could find. Which was here. Just to tell somebody what's going on!"
And I say, "Alright, well, if this is all true, where's your gun? Where's your magic portal gun?"
And she says, "Well... I lost it."
And I say, "How do you lose something like that?"
And she says, "Well, I sorta shot a hole in a bridge and let it drop and... Yeah, it fell right into the middle of the river."
And I said, "Well... Why did you fire a hole in the bridge?"
And she says, "I can't help it! O-Once you fire a hole in the ground and one in the ceiling, you drop the gun, it just keeps falling! And, by God, it's entertaining to watch! It's the only thing that kept my sanity, that! Just dropping things down the hole and seeing it constantly fall!"
And she said, "Now there's this portal gun in the river that's doing I don't know what kind of damage! Maybe it shoots a hole in the water, the water will suck in and all the fish will go with it and it'll keep on this endless loop and we gotta call the police! We gotta call the police and let them all know!"
And I said, "Alright, calm down. Calm down. Catch your breath."
She took a few deep breaths. I gave her some water. She started to calm down.
And I said, "Look, you look hungry. Why don't I get you something? Here. Piece of cake on the house."
...She committed suicide right there. Pulled out a gun and blew her brains out. I've never seen anything like that! I don't even know where she got the gun. I don't know if she robbed someone on the way or what.
You know, I feel bad. I-I-I don't know... what... was going in inside her head, but in all honesty, how do you think I feel? I mean, I offered her the cake! She committed suicide! I have to live with that for the rest of my life! I have no idea what I did! I never knew the phrase "cake or death" literally meant cake or death!
She didn't even say anything. Didn't say a word. No, wait, actually, she did, she did. She mumbled something right before she pulled the trigger. Sorta hard to remember, but I think something along the lines of... "The cake is alive?" Why would the cake be alive? What, did she think the cake was trying to eat her? Was it trying to kill her family?
Nutty as a fruitcake. But I've gotta be careful when I say that now! Somebody might blow their brains out!
Well, I don't care. I have bigger things to think about!
For example, did you hear they're introducing this new GPS called GLaDOS. It's supposed to be incredible! You know how a GPS never gets you where you going, sometimes you figure like it's alive and is trying to send you in the wrong direction? No, no. GLaDOS tells you exactly where to go. And GLaDOS is gonna take all of us to where we need to be. I'm looking forward to that, 'cause I'm bad with directions.
Maybe that Chell woman coulda used GLaDOS. That woulda given her some direction in life, pardon the pun.
You don't have to pardon it, actually. I think it's kinda clever.
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|