(Title card pops up saying "Characters Remember the Nostalgia Critic. Cut to AskThatGuy from "AskThatGuyWithTheGlasses")
AskThatGuy: The Nostalgia Critic? Ah yes, I remember that boy. I met him one day when I was walking down the street trying to find random people to partake in a gravy orgy. Surprisingly, not too many people were agreeing to it; however, he came across my path and asked me a certain question. He said he was looking for a place where he could find some insane drunk people to ramble on about anything because apparently that got a lot of views online. And I said to him, "That's a very good question." ...Even though technically that wasn't a question, but nevertheless I pointed in the direction of a certain bar that was right down the street.
(Cut to Dominic from "Video Game Confessions looking just off-camera)
Dominic: So I'm sittin' there tending bar when in walks this bloke called the Nostalgia Critic. (long pause, looks around) Aren't you gonna cut to me drawing a picture or something? No? Okay. So anyw-- (is silently told to look at camera) Th-This way? Oh, sorry. So, anyway, he comes in and he says he's looking for some drunken people that he can expose on his Internet website. S'pose if it's a website, it's on the Internet. Sorta redundant. But anyway, so he says that he's looking for some folks that can make asses of themselves because apparently that gets a lot of views. And I said, "Well, you could try it around here, but most of the stories that people say are more...depressing than they are funny, or even that entertaining." So, I said to him, I said, "If you're lookin' for someone that can really, really genuinely just go all out and be very entertaining, kinda sad too, but entertaining, there's someone who's constantly begging for money outside."
(Cut to Chester A. Bum from "Bum Reviews" looking and sounding calm)
Chester: Mr. MaCritic approached me while I was in the process of relocating from a bag of Ramen noodles to a box of soy milk, and he said that he was interested in finding someone who was intellimagent and sophistimacated. Well, I said, "I'd be very interested in your offer, but what would I be able to talk about?" He said movies, and I of course had to think about it. (gets excited) For like a whole two seconds! I love talking about movies, but more especially (hugs self) I like being in a warm, warm building! But the part that got me especially excited is when he said that he was going to pay me an unbelievable amount of money!
(We now start cutting between all three characters)
AskThatGuy: I understand he's a compulsive liar.
Chester: That of course was a lie.
AskThatGuy: I can totally relate to that.
Dominic: I hear he wasn't very nice to that homeless man.
Chester: He is a liar. The devil is a liar!
Dominic: Probably shouldn't have introduced them.
Chester: He says that he pays me in breathing air, but the more I think about it, that stuff is probably pretty cheap.
Dominic: So then he comes up to me and he was wondering if I would like my own show. And I said, "Well, I don't really think I have a very, ah, you know, straight forward face for Internet." Um, but then again he said, "I-I think it's okay. You know, looks a little similar to mine, but I don't think anyone would be able to tell."
AskThatGuy: I never get any questions of people asking me whether or not we're related. Or why we look so much alike. Not at all. It's not like that's the one question that keeps popping up every single week I look inside my e-mail box (gets angry) that I just want to grab him and strangle the living shit outta hi--!
Chester: Mr. MaCritic was a persuasive man. He was very good at fooling me into coming along with him on adventures, such as for the Necronomicon, which just saying that name makes me piss my pants. (glances down) Sorry.
AskThatGuy: I understand his fashion sense wasn't very good. Like, he wanted to look professional at first, but then...decided not to.
Chester: A lot of people may remember him as a cold, cynical, dark man. (long pause) I remember him as far worse.
Dominic: So, I guess I gotta give him some credit. I mean, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be telling you all these stories.
AskThatGuy: My fashion sense, on the other hand, has always been phenominal. I stole this off the corpse of Hugh Hefner.
Dominic: And you know, for some reason these video game characters never catch on never to tell me their stor-- Don't they know there's a website on-- I digress.
AskThatGuy: Now I know what you're thinking. Hugh Hefner isn't dead! (chuckles) Yes, he is.
Chester: Whenever I think of the name Nostalgima Critic, I always associate it with pain and lack of feeling in my genitals. (pauses at this)
AskThatGuy: That's just a zombie walking around.
Dominic: I remember one of the more tragic things to come out of that conversation was he took a look at Link, who was sitting in the corner, and asked, "How do you think I'd look in a green skirt?" I said, "I think you'd look horrendous."
AskThatGuy: Do you think any man who makes a living that way would actually survive in this world without some crazy man going jealous and assassinating him? Of course not.
Dominic: Thank God that introduction to him suddenly turned that mental image into a horrifying actual image that will never leave our memory. (pauses) I suppose I should apologize for that.
AskThatGuy: (holds up hand) I did marry one of his bunnies, though. Ho ho, not the attractive women - one of his actual bunnies. He had actual bunnies. Why is everyone always shocked by that?
Dominic: He just opened up his legs. We could see everything. I mean... I'm still seeing a therapist.
Chester: What I remember most about Mr. MaCritic was my extreme lack of love for a human being. I-I never encounter that until I met him.
Dominic: Actually, I remember another strange thing is that he comes up to me and he says, "I'll order a Nostalgia Critic special." And I said, "What's a Nostalgia Critic special?" And he says, "Oh, you know, that drink that's mostly alcohol. It's illegal in most everywhere that has breathing people." And I said, "Moonshine?" And he said, "Yeah!"
Chester: I do remember telling him that I was not interested in working with him unless, you know, there was some form of payment. So he said that there was this magical moon drink that would change my mind.
Dominic: So the Nostalgia Critic and that homeless man come in, both getting totally sauced up on moonshine. I... D-Did that man even need moonshine? He looked like he was on moonshine 24/7! It looked like his blood was clear because of it! Chester: Moonshine is my new water. I think it actually takes up more of my body than actual water. If not, it will certainly get rid of the water.
AskThatGuy: I know we're supposed to be talking about the Nostalgia Critic, but I'm sorry. I'm going to talk about Hugh Hefner some more.
Dominic: (rubbing face) The last image I remember of him was him and that homeless man swinging across the chandelier singing Duck Tales.
AskThatGuy: Did you know that his dick is literally a raisin? Chester: I remember Mr. MaCritic wanted to go back into the bar while we were hyped up on moonshine--
AskThatGuy: Shriveled and all... It's a raisin!
Chester: --and said he wanted to play Donkey Kong, swinging off the chandelier! (chuckles) Which was kind of strange seeing how Donkey Kong was actually there and he was much more behaved.
Dominic: I remember that homeless man trying to smoke Pikachu.
Chester: I remember smoking this huge Twinkie with eyes!
Dominic: That was hard to watch.
Chester: And all that it would ever say was, "Pick a Jew! Pick a Jew!" And I'm like, "We're in the entertainment business! There's Jews everywhere!"
AskThatGuy: Hugh Hefner raped me.
Chester: He was kind enough when we were rotting cold and shivering in that prison cell to give me first to the men who thought that we were very attractive. (sarcastically) That was very nice of him.
AskThatGuy: The Nostalgia Critic did not rape me. (pauses) I give him kudos for that.
Dominic: Something tells me the less I know about that individual the better.
Chester: I guess, in the end of the day, all I can really say is (yells) yes, he deserves to die and I hope he burns in Hell!
Dominic: (stares into camera) Please tell me no more about that individual. (Cut to black)