December 20, 2011
Phelous: [is dressed as the Nostalgia Critic and speaks like him] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Well, what movie can I review today to make my voice more HIGH PITCHED than it already is? How about a timeless Christmas classic like...
NC: [is dressed as Phelous and speaks like him] Hi, guys, Phelous here, and I bet you're wondering what holiday classic I'm going to review TODAY. Well...
Phelous: (drops the impression) Wait a second... I thought I was supposed to do an impression of you and then you get angry at me.
NC: No, I thought I was supposed to do an impression of you and YOU were supposed to get angry.
Phelous: Didn't you even read the script?!
NC: What? You mean the one I wrote?
Phelous: But you didn't write the script, I did!
NC: No, you didn't. I DID!
Phelous: [Sarcastically] Well, phenomenal. This crossover's off to a great start.
NC: I never had this problem with Lupa.
Phelous: OK, fine. At the very least, let's announce which movie we're gonna review.
NC: [Sighs] Alright, good idea.
[Both briefly appears side by side as they announce their movies at the same time]
NC: "Silent Night, Deadly Night."
Phelous: "Child's Play."
NC: Oh, for God's Sake, WHAT DOES "CHILD'S PLAY" HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS?!
Phelous: It's got, like, snow, presents, decorations, murder, plenty Christmassy.
NC: It's as Christmassy as "Reindeer Games"!
Phelous: Yeah? Well, what kind of material is "Silent Night, Deadly Night" gonna give us?
NC: Lots! Like how about that great over the top scene where...
[Clip from Silent Night, Deadly Night showing the Santa Claus dressed killer pinning a girl down]
NC: Or that really silly moment when...
[Clip showing the killer about to slit the girl's throat]
NC: Or... Or that...goofy... um...
[Clip showing the killer standing up after killing the girl]
Phelous: You thought this was the one with the "Garbage Day!" guy, didn't you?
NC: [Thinks for a second] That's not the first one?
NC: Well, then WHAT THE HELL ARE WE LOOKING AT IT FOR!?
Phelous: We're not. We're looking at "Child's Play."
[clips from Child's Play are shown as the theme plays]
NC: (VO) But don't people like this movie?
Phelous: (VO) I guess, but it's still not that good. It's a goofy idea with a goofy execution and an even goofier monster.
NC: (VO) Do they say "Garbage Day!" in it?
Phelous: (VO) Let it go, Critic...
[Cut back to Phelous wearing his normal clothes and a Santa hat, with NC back in his normal clothes]
Phelous: So, are you ready to have a merry "Chuckymas"?
NC: Do I really have a choice?
Phelous: Well, you're the one editing it, so I guess you can do wh--
NC: WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE META SHIT?!
Phelous: Sorry. It's like Pringles. "Once you pop, you can't stop".
Shredder (played by Phelous): He's right, you know.
NC: Piss off!
[Shredder walks off sadly, accompanied by the sung lyrics "Christmas time is here" from "A Charlie Brown Christmas"]
(The movie begins)
Phelous: (VO) So we see Prince Humperdink (Chris Sarandon) chasing Grima Wormtongue down the streets of Chicago, but he outwits him the best way he knows how: hiding right in front of him.
[Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) hides behind a pillar and a police car drives right past it]
NC: (VO) Wh-that worked!? How the hell did he fool that officer!? What, was Chief Wiggum driving the car?
Chief Wiggum (from "The Simpsons"): (audio, sings) Doughnuts, I got doughnuts, I got... (speaks) Hey, I know you!
NC (voiceover): So as the credits roll, the killer goes inside a toy store, but Officer Cashmere Sweater isn’t about to let him go.
Phelous (voiceover): (points out the decorations throughout the toy store) Look! Christmas decorations! I told you this was a Christmas movie.
(Detective Mike Norris (Chris Sarandon) quickly turns a corner and shoots at Charles, who gets hit, slumps to the ground and feels his chest to notice blood on his hand)
Charles Lee Ray: Oh, God, I’m dying.
Phelous (voiceover): (sarcastic) Well, at least he seems to be taking it well.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, that sounded more like an annoyance than it did painful last words.
Charles: (yells vengefully) You hear this, you son of a bitch! I’m gonna get you and I’m gonna get Eddie, no matter what!
NC (voiceover): So, I’m confused. Is he the cartoonish over-the-top doll yet, or is that later?
Phelous (voiceover): Pretty hard to tell, isn’t it?
NC (voiceover): Didn’t this guy win an Oscar?
Phelous: Yeah, but to be fair, it was for best performance done while (speaks with his jaw to one side) making your lower jaw…
Phelous (voiceover): …jut out the whole time!
NC (voiceover): Boy, the Academy’s very specific.
(Cut to Charles coming across a packaged Chucky doll after stumbling around the toy store)
Phelous (voiceover): Luckily, like most serial killers, he knows a couple voodoo spells to transfer his soul in case of death.
NC (voiceover): Well, that’s just common knowledge.
(Charles speaks an unknown language, summoning a spell while placing his hands on the Chucky doll and lightning flashes)
Charles Lee Ray: Secoise entienne mais pois de morte. Morteisma lieu de vocuier de mieu vochette. Endonline pour de boisette damballa! Secoise entienne mais...
(Detective Norris continues his slow search through the store as lightning continues flashing)
NC (voiceover): How can he not find this guy?! He’s screaming louder than a needle in a haystack shouting, “Over here! I’m a needle in a haystack!”
Charles Lee Ray: Endelieu pour de boisette damballa!!!!!!
(Charles finishes his spell as a lightning bolt strikes through the ceiling window, causing a big explosion and catapulting the detective a far distance before we see the windows to the toy store break from the explosion)
Phelous (voiceover): Guess the lightning struck the flammable Elmo part of the store.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, sheesh, don’t you think they would’ve tested those toys a little better if they were highly explosive?
(In a scenario, NC picks up a giant gorilla stuffed toy, takes a hammer and is about to take a smack at the head before the stuffed toy explodes on its own)
(Back to the movie)
Phelous (voiceover): But luckily, Humperdink is shielded from the explosion by the explosive-proof toys.
NC (voiceover): We then cut to a little boy named Andy, and his mom played by Catherine Hicks.
Phelous (voiceover): Oh, hey, it’s the mother from “7th Heaven”!
NC: “7th Heaven”? Really? That’s where you know the mother from?
Phelous: Well, that’s probably her most well-known role. Was she on anything else of note?
NC: Oh, I don’t know, “Star Trek 4”?
Phelous: Oh, yeah. She was in that, wasn’t she? Wow. What an obscure reference.
NC: Her being in “7th Heaven” is the obscure reference!
Phelous: She was in “7th Heaven”?
(NC just stares, very confused)
(Back to the movie, Andy hears an announcement coming from the TV screen and approaches it)
Voice from TV: You can have all the adventures we have on TV in your very own home.
(Cut to the TV screen, showing a costumed Chucky mascot speaking to the camera with a Chucky doll sitting nearby, looking up at him)
NC (voiceover): (reacts in shock to the mascot) AHHH! He’s even more terrifying than I thought!
Phelous (voiceover): That’s not the killer. That’s just a children’s mascot.
NC (voiceover): (is relieved) Oh. Well, that’s a relief. For a second, I thought half of the effects in this movie were just gonna be a guy in a suit.
Phelous (voiceover): (chuckles) Yeah. That’d be silly.
NC (voiceover): So she’s (Karen Barclay (Hicks)) looking for a Good Guy Doll to give Andy as a birthday gift.
Phelous (voiceover): You mean a Christmas gift.
NC (voiceover): Knock it off.
Phelous (voiceover): (grumbles) Oh, okay.
NC (voiceover): As she comes across a bum in the street who happens to have one that wasn’t sold out.
Phelous: Hey, this would be a great time for you to do your Chester A. Bum character, wouldn’t it?
NC: (laughs nervously) Well, what do you mean? The bum is a totally different person entirely.
Phelous: Ohh, so do you think you can get a hold of him, then?
NC: (wears Chester A. Bum’s orange wool hat) Maybe.
Phelous: If he’s not too busy?
NC: (now wear’s Chester’s long-haired wig along with the hat) Possibly.
Phelous: I mean, if it’s not too much trouble. (NC struggles to put on Chester’s trenchcoat while carrying a white Styrofoam cup, and Phelous points that out) Ah!
NC: No! Err… (speaks like Chester) Dolls! You got dolls?
(Phelous sighs and buries his face as NC speaks)
NC: Don’t ruin the illusion. You’re making kids cry!
(Back to the movie)
Bum: (hands the Chucky doll to Karen) Here you go, lady. May it bring you and your kid a lot of joy.
Phelous (voiceover): It sure was nice of him to repack that doll after getting it from the lightning sale.
Maggie Peterson: (to the Bum) How do we know the damn thing isn’t stolen, huh?
Bum: (shows off his crotch area toward her) Eh, steal this! (He walks off with his cart)
Maggie: Eh, “steal this” yourself.
NC (voiceover): Wow. Both those insults were terrible. I’ve heard better comebacks from “Gallagher.” (A poster for “Gallagher” appears) I swear to God, “Gallagher.”
(At home, Andy is overjoyed to see the gift Karen got for him)
Andy: Good Guy! I knew it! I knew you would get me one.
Phelous (voiceover): The mother gives the doll to the kid and as you can plainly see, it’s already creepy! What kid wouldn’t shit his pants talking to this thing? Was this really supposed to be a big seller?
NC: (as Kid #1) Look, Jimmy! I got a Slashy McKill Kill! (A Photoshopped image of said doll appears)
Phelous: (as Kid #2) That’s nothing. I got a Nasty McBrain-Eat. (A Photoshopped image of said doll appears)
NC: (as Kid #1) Well, I bet my doll can give me more nightmares than yours!
Phelous: (as Kid #2) Cannot!
NC: (as Kid #1) Can to!
Phelous: (as Kid #2) Alright, let’s try it.
NC: (as Kid #1) Fine!
(NC pretends to go to sleep by resting his head on his hands while Phelous gets into bed to go to sleep; a few moments later, they both scream in terror while having their own nightmares)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So while a friend of the mother’s is babysitting, she can’t help but feel like she’s being watched by a pair of plastic eyes.
(The camera turns a corner and silently pans through the hallway)
Phelous (voiceover): I guess hovering at several miles per hour is also part of being transferred into a doll.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, I know. Was he driving a go-kart while sneaking around the house?
(The clip of the camera panning through the hallway is shown again, this time with the sound effect of a go-kart engine running)
(Cut next to Chucky supposedly picking up a hammer from a toolbox as it makes a “ching” sound)
NC (voiceover): Uh, did the toy hammer just make a “ching” sound?
(The clip of the hammer being picked up and making a “ching” sound is shown again)
Maggie: (after searching around the place to find nothing) I’m scaring myself half to death.
(She turns around and suddenly gets hammered once in the face)
MC Hammer: (audio) Hammer time!
(Maggie stumbles backwards and falls through the apartment window several stories high off the ground)
Phelous (voiceover): I don’t know how much you can blame Chucky for that one. She sort of did that to herself.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, she tosses herself out a window and doesn’t even fall the same way she came out?
(Maggie falls onto the back of a pickup truck and dies)
NC (voiceover): This all came from a toy hammer! How can anyone be this clumsy?
Phelous: Hey, Critic, catch! (He tosses a sock at the camera)
(NC is hit in the head by the sock and mockingly reacts to it by getting out of his chair, spins around by his recliner, takes out his gun and shoots himself in the head before falling to the floor)
Phelous: That sock got whiter on your end. Weird.
NC (Voiceover): So the cops come in to investigate—you can see clearly they’re hard at work (meaning that they’re barely working at all)—and Officer Humperdink seems to think the kid might be to blame.
Phelous (voiceover): What a dick! It was so obviously the doll!
Detective Mike Norris: Miss Peterson’s dead, Miss Barclay.
Karen: What? (A long pause occurs)
NC (voiceover): Line?
Detective Norris: She fell from the kitchen window. You, uh, got any idea what these are? (He gestures to a pile of flour with fingerprints in it; Cut to him taking a look at the dirt on the underside of one of Andy’s shoes) Ooh, look at this, huh? There’s a gun…is that a cowboy hat?
Karen: Andy, get into bed.
Phelous (voiceover: (as Detective Morris) Oh, but we were gonna play “Put your hands behind your back.”
(Cut to two of the officers leaving the apartment, one of them shutting the door behind him)
Officer: (whistles) Ouch.
NC (voiceover): So Andy somehow gets an L ticket and manages to make it to the other side of town; the bad side.
Phelous (voiceover): Hey, look, snow! (sings) Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!
NC (voiceover): We’re doing the review, damn it. You don’t have to convince me anymore.
Phelous (voiceover): I was trying to convince myself.
NC (voiceover): We see Chucky wants revenge on the guy who abandoned him at his last job.
(Andy places the doll on a rocking chair)
Phelous (voiceover): You know, if Chucky can move around so damn easily, why doesn’t he just go to these places himself? It’s not like he needs Andy.
NC (voiceover): Oh, because he needs an alibi in case anyone suspects him.
Phelous (voiceover): The police would suspect the doll?
NC (voiceover): Hey, you should see what my Teddy Ruxpin can do.
Andy: (turns his head to speak to his doll) I’ll be right there, Chucky.
(Cut to the rocking chair appearing empty before we cut to a camera panning toward an abandoned house, complete with the sound effect of a go-kart engine)
(Eddie Caputo wakes up from his sleep and braces himself with a gun before getting up to see what is going on; Chucky turns a knob on a stove, releasing the gas after having blown out the pilot light)
Phelous (voiceover): And for super luck, his stove can fill the entire building up with gas in about two minutes.
(Eddie has discovered Chucky is alive and, in panicked self-defense, fires his gun, resulting in the house exploding and killing him)
NC (voiceover): You know, they really should test those stoves a lot better.
(Cut to a scenario of NC approaching his stove with a hammer and is about to strike down on it before the stove explodes)
(Back to the movie)
Phelous (voiceover): So, of course, the kid gets blamed, but Andy sticks to his story that the doll did it.
Karen: Nobody believes you about Chucky.
Andy: (to Chucky) Please say something. (He grabs the doll and shakes it violently) Come on, Chucky, say something! Tell me why you lied to me about everything.
NC (voiceover): Wow, I haven’t seen such an emotionally-fueled performance since Kevin Costner ordered oatmeal on wheat toast with a side of Styrofoam.
(Cut to Karen handling Chucky’s box package and notices two batteries fall out of it)
Phelous (voiceover): Well, the mother sees that the batteries were never put in the doll and finally starts to suspect that something’s wrong.
(Karen picks up Chucky and turns him around to open his back to access the battery pack; a digital clock labeled “Shit Gets Real In” (with 3 seconds on it) appears at the bottom left corner of the screen, beginning a countdown; at "0:00," Karen opens the battery pack to reveal that it’s empty)
Chucky: (turns its head and speaks in its normal child voice) Hi, I’m Chucky. Wanna play?
(Karen screams and drops the doll onto the floor)
Phelous (voiceover): So you know how you have the doll supposedly saying weird things and how you don’t actually see it moving around and how those things have actually been barely creepy up to this point? Yeah, well, that’s all about to be ruined.
(Karen takes Chucky and turns on the fire in the fireplace before holding him up)
Karen: I said talk to me, damn it, or else I’m gonna throw you in the fire!
Chucky: (comes to life and speaks like Charles Lee Ray, attacking her) You stupid bitch! You filthy slut!
Background Singers (from “Lamb Chop’s Play-Along”): (audio) Lamb Chop’s play-along / Where kids come to play along / It’s Lamb Chop’s play along / Come join the kids and play along.
(Karen has tossed Chucky across the room, and he gets up to move about)
Kermit the Frog (from “The Muppet Show”): (audio) It’s the Muppet Show! YAAAAYYYY!!!
Phelous (voiceover): Catherine Hicks sets off on her quest to convince Humperdink there’s a killer doll on the loose. You know, totally one of those things guaranteed not to make you sound crazy at all!
Karen: He came alive in my hand. I-I-I dropped him and he got up and ran out of the apartment.
(The brief sound of a cuckoo clock is heard as Detective Norris just stares at her)
Detective Norris: Goodnight, Mrs. Barclay. (He starts to walk away)
Karen: (stops him) Wait a minute! I am telling you the truth. He killed Maggie, he killed Eddie Caputo.
Detective Norris: Look, Mrs. Barclay, I sympathize you.
NC: (as Detective Norris) No, really, I do. I have a My Little Pony that slaughtered my family.
Phelous: I have a miniature Pikachu who ate my children
NC: I have an army of LEGOs that crucified my hamster.
Phelous: (wears a wool Ninja Turtle hat) I have a Ninja Turtle with a drinking problem.
NC: What we’re trying to say is you’re crazy.
NC (voiceover): So she goes searching the city trying to find the bum who sold her the doll. But he’s not going to say where he got it without getting something in return.
Karen: That’s all I’ve got.
Bum: All you’ve got? (He starts walking around her)
Karen: What are you…? Yes!
Bum: All you’ve got?
Karen: Wait a minute….
Bum: Boy, you’ve got a lot. (He advances her slowly)
Karen: No! No! No! No, wait! (The bum tries to get on top of her)
Detective Norris: (grabs the bum away from Karen) Hey! (He punches the bum in the face)
Another Bum: Christ, he’s a cop! (He and the other bums run away as Norris pulls out a gun)
NC (voiceover): (as Detective Norris) Yeah, back off, you creeps. I was doing the normal thing by stalking her for several hours.
Bum: (confesses to Norris) A burned-out toy store a while back. That’s where I got it.
Detective Norris: (to Karen after stopping her attempts of hurrying away) Where are you going now?
Karen: Wabash and Van Buren.
Detective Norris: There’s nothing there. It’s an abandoned wreck of a store. It was struck by lightning the night that Charles Lee Ray died. I was there. I was the man who killed him!
Karen: (stares in disbelief) Why didn’t you tell me?
Phelous: (as Karen) If I’d known you were at a toy store where a serial killer died after he got struck by lightning, I would have known right away that the doll had his soul transferred into it! How dare you not tell me!
NC (voiceover): So as the mother and Humperdink split, Chucky pops into his car and tries to kill him.
(Chucky chokes Norris with some wires before Norris takes a cigarette lighter receptacle and stabs Chucky in the face from behind him with it, burning his face; Chucky takes a knife and repeatedly stabs it through the driver’s seat, yet Norris avoids the stabs while driving faster)
Phelous (voiceover): Yes, keep driving faster. You’ll eventually get away from the back seat.
(Norris weaves across the road while avoiding Chucky’s repeated knife stabs)
Construction Worker: Geez, look out! (He dodges out of the way as Norris drives the car through a flaming barrel)
NC (voiceover): Actually, you know what this scene needs? A mall.
(Clips from “The Blues Brothers” of a police car driving through a mall intercut briefly with Norris’ driving)
(Cut to Chucky finally about to stab Norris (after having stopped the car), but Norris shoots at him; Chucky flies backward before getting up to run away)
Phelous (voiceover): Oh, apparently sticking him with a lighter will hurt him. However, a gunshot? Nah. He can run that off.
NC (voiceover): So the mother finds out where the killer used to live and sees if she can find any clues.
(Karen comes across a wall painting of a voodoo witch doctor)
Background Singers (from Disney’s “The Princess and the Frog”): (audio) He’s got friends on the other side.
(A male figure under the shadows approaches Karen from behind and then stops)
Detective Norris: Karen.
(Karen gasps in surprise and turns around to see the figure before we Norris’s face revealed)
Phelous (voiceover): Oh, yeah, because we thought that might be Chucky really got us there, movie.
NC (voiceover): So they find out that Chucky was good friends with a witch doctor who taught him all about voodoo. So Chucky goes to see why he can suddenly feel pain.
John Simonsen: The more time you spend in that body, the more human you become.
Chucky: You got me into this! You get me out!
John: I can’t do that, Chucky.
Chucky: Why not?
John: Because you’re an abomination! An outrage against nature!!
NC: (as John) I only mess with voodoo and the dark arts, but you? You’re really fucked up!
John: And you have to be stopped!
NC (voiceover): So after he realizes teaching black magic to a serial killer WASN’T such a good idea, Chucky uses a voodoo doll of the guy that he just so HAPPENED to have lying around!
Phelous (voiceover): Isn’t he sort of asking for trouble when he does something like that?
NC (voiceover): And Chucky forces him to think of a way to get out of his body.
John: I won’t tell you.
Chucky: Yeah? (He snaps an arm on the voodoo doll before John’s arm snaps)
Phelous (voiceover): (chuckles) A doll using a doll. You have to admit that’s kind of funny.
John: You have to transfer your soul out of the doll into that of the first human being you revealed your true self to.
Phelous (voiceover): Well, that doesn’t seem like a contrived way to bring the little boy back into the plot at all!
Chucky: Well, John, it’s been fun, but I gotta go. I have a date with a six-year-old boy.
(NC and Phelous just stare in shock at that last line)
NC: …Next joke.
Phelous: Yeah, next joke.
NC (voiceover): So Chucky makes his way to where Andy is being held.
(At the psychiatric ward, Chucky whips out a switchblade and stalks through Andy’s room)
NC (voiceover): You know, it’s the little people that make this movie work.
(Chucky pulls back the covers to reveal that Andy isn’t under it; Andy makes his escape and heads for the door)
(Cut to Andy being grabbed by the ward’s head doctor and screams)
Phelous (voiceover): But one of the doctors finds Andy and tries to calm him down; however, Chucky gets him (the doctor) ready for electroshock therapy! And, yeah, I don’t think that’s how that works. How does it burn your face if it never even touches it?
NC (voiceover): Yeah. Obviously, they would’ve tested the equipment before they used it.
(Cut to a scenario of NC sitting down at a dinner table about to use a hammer on a piece of computer unit, but then he stops to think for a moment; he is about to speak before the unit explodes)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So both Chucky and Andy make it home, and Chucky manages to knock him out.
Chucky: (appears from behind Andy with a baseball bat) Batter up! (He strikes at Andy’s head, accompanied with the sound effect of an anvil before Andy falls to the floor, knocked out)
NC (voiceover): But Mommy comes in to save the day.
(Chucky bites Karen on the neck and attacks her while she screams)
NC (voiceover): (as Andy) Why are you fighting the doll, Mommy? It’s not real, it’s not real. Now, there, let’s see how you like it!
(Karen has thrown Chucky into the unlit fireplace and barricades the opening with a firewall; Andy strikes a match)
Chucky: Andy, no! Please. We’re friends to the end, remember?
Andy: This is the end, friend. (He throws the match into the fireplace, burning Chucky alive)
NC (voiceover): Wow. That has got to be the greatest line since “Fuck you, Lucky Charms.”
Alex (from “Leprechaun”): Fuck you, Lucky Charms.
Phelous (voiceover): Both of those kids must have taken Schwarzenegger lessons.
Chucky: Andy, no! Please. We’re friends to the end, remember?
Harry Tasker (from “True Lies,” played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): (dubs over Andy) You’re fired.
Chucky: Noooooo! (He wails in agony under the burning fire)
(Karen and Andy watch in horror as Chucky escapes the fireplace and runs across the living room, climbing over a couch and then falling onto the floor, burning up some more)
Detective Norris: What happened?
Karen: Oh, my God. Chucky’s dead.
Phelous: Well, I’m glad that’s true. Guess the last ten minutes of the film are here for no reason. (He gives a thumbs up)
(Andy quickly runs down a hallway before he is tripped by the foot of Chucky; Andy turns around after falling to see the blackened charred remains of Chucky, who holds a knife in one hand; music from “Terminator 2” plays here during Chucky’s reveal)
Chucky: Hello, Andy.
Phelous (voiceover): Of course, because he’s becoming more human, he can get up and walk, just like a real human would after being burned alive!
(Karen takes a gun and shoots at Chucky in the chest, which does nothing; she shoots again, shooting off his head and letting it roll around on the floor; the body continues moving, and she shoots again, shooting off an arm)
NC (voiceover): Geesh, how persistent is this little booger? I mean, this is downright funny!
(The clip of Chucky’s arm being shot is shown again; an audio clip from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” plays out in this scene)
Black Knight: (audio) ‘Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur: (audio) A scratch? Your arm’s off!
Black Knight: (audio) No, it isn’t.
King Arthur: (audio) Well, I’ll have your leg!
(Karen shoots at Chucky again, taking off his left foot)
Black Knight: (audio) I’ve had worse.
(Chucky finally falls to the floor)
Andy: (cowers in disgust) Eww!
(Chucky struggles to get up with his remaining arm)
Black Knight: (audio) I’m invincible!
(Karen stands above Chucky and shoots down on him repeatedly)
Black Knight: (audio) Just a flesh wound.
NC: I mean…are transferred souls really so tightly bound to this loosely based biology?
Phelous: Well, there’s only one way to find out. Do you have a soul you’ve been looking to get rid of?
NC’s Casper: (appears in front of NC) TIMING!
(Phelous waves his hands and speaks an indecipherable spell, sucking Casper below the bottom of the screen)
NC: What’d you do?
Phelous: I just banished that joke into your coffeemaker.
NC: But that was one of my longest running gags.
Phelous: I know! That’s why it sucked.
NC: But it was meant to suck. That’s what made it funny.
Phelous: No, making it suck didn’t make it funny. It made it suck!
NC: Well, great. Now I have to find another long-running meme to annoy people! (His phone rings, and he picks it up to answer it)
(An image of Ask That Guy appears next to NC)
Ask That Guy: (audio) Call me. We’ll talk.
NC (voiceover): So Humperdink’s partner drops by right after the mother put a million bullets in the doll. The partner, of course, doesn’t believe anything that they’ve said and tries to prove that the doll isn’t alive.
Jack Santos: Okay, Mike. I’d like you to take a look at this thing, okay? Because there’s no way this thing’s alive.
(Chucky’s body suddenly appears from an air shaft beside Jack’s head and chokes him, scaring the others)
Phelous (voiceover): Again, because he’s becoming more human, he can choke someone with one arm, one leg and no head! Just like a REAL person could!
Karen: (to Norris after tossing Chucky’s body at the window, letting it fall to the floor) Shoot him in the heart!
(Norris shoots at Chucky’s heart, making Chucky wail in pain and fly to the wall, letting blood splatter on it)
Chucky’s Head: Hi, I’m Chucky. Wanna…(His voice reverts to a normal child’s voice) plaaaaayyyyyy….?
Phelous: Well, glad Chucky’s dead forever! Yep! We’ll never hear from him again.
(Posters for the “Child’s Play” sequels are shown)
Phelous (voiceover): You don’t come back from the dead. I know that!
Phelous: Okay, he did once already, but you don’t repeatedly come back from the dead. That’s for sure.
Detective Norris: You believe me now?
Jack: Yeah. But who’s gonna believe me?
(Everyone leaves the room and Karen turns off the light as Andy looks at Chucky’s head one last time before the film freeze frames on the door almost shutting tight)
NC (voiceover): (as an announcer) Brought to you by a preposterous concept.
(The film fades to black, ending it)
NC: So that was “Child’s Play,” and while it’s not as bad as the sequels, it’s still pretty silly.
(Clips from the movie play out as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I guess I can see how some people can be scared by it, but it’s really dated and really pretty corny. If you watch it again, I think you’ll find it doesn’t hold up as well as you may think it does. It’s pretty over-the-top and pretty goofy. But hey, what do you expect from the director of “The Langoliers”? I mean, let’s face it: the only people he’d be scaring by this is the little girls.
Craig Toomey (from “The Langoliers”): Scaring the little GIRL?!
Phelous: Yeah, it was pretty tough to sit through, but on the bright side, I didn’t die in this episode—
(A gunshot is heard, and Phelous falls to the side, dying)
NC: (puts down his gun) Sorry, I died like four times in this episode. I figured you deserved one. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remem—
(Phelous starts to speak an indecipherable language as he gets up briefly, summoning lightning before falling to the side again to die)
(NC stares in wonder at what just happened)
Phelous (voice offscreen): Critic! (NC yelps in fright and looks offscreen camera left)
(Cut to a pencil sharpener with Phelous’s voice coming from it)
Phelous (voice): I’m a pencil sharpener.
NC: …Really? Y-You transferred your soul into a pencil sharpener?
Phelous (voice): Yeah, my mind went blank, and all I could think of was pencil sharpener.
NC: Well, how’s that working out for you?
Phelous (voice): Not well, Critic! I’m a pencil sharpener!
NC: Well, I’m sure you can still get a lot of good vengeance with that.
Phelous (voice): Oh, I can, Critic. I can. (He laughs evilly as lightning flashes)
NC: Great. (speaks to the camera) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)
Phelous (voice): You better watch your fingers around me, Critic. Because next time you sharpen a pencil, you could get a little cut. Pencil sharpener! Ha-ha-ha!
(The image of the pencil sharpener is shrunk to the left side of the screen as the credits play out on the other side)
Phelous (voice): And, um…uh…next time you sharpen a pencil, I’ll take too much off it! (He laughs evilly again) Your pencil won’t be the way you wanted it! (He laughs again) Oh, I’ll get you with that! And also, when you’re sleeping, I’ll slit your throat, ‘cause I’ve got a blade on here. Actually, it’s probably not sharp enough for that. I’ll just stick with annoying you with dull pencils or…sharpen too much pencils. (He laughs again) You can’t avoid me forever, Critic. You’re gonna need to come to your pencil sharpener when it’s time to write your next script on the computer—Oh, damn it.
(The credits end before we cut back to the pencil sharpener briefly)
Phelous (voice): Hey, uh, C-Critic? C-Can you stick your face in me just for a second? I-I just want to show you something. There’s something really, uh, c-cool in here—I’M GONNA GET YOU! Aww, you’re not really doing it. You can’t fit your face in here, okay. Never mind.
Channel Awesome Tagline—Andy: This is the end, friend.
(The Other Guy goes to his coffeemaker to fill up his mug and turns it on; Casper suddenly appears out of the coffeemaker to attack him before cutting to black)