Christmas With The Kranks
December 15, 2015
(After the opening, we see Nostalgia Critic, looking very irritated)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Especially when you shouldn't have to. By God, is today's movie bad! It is one of the worst Christmas flicks you could possibly see! It's a wonderful little piece-of-shit bomb called "Christmas with the Kranks"!
(The title is shown, before showing clips from the movie)
NC (vo): This is based on the John Grisham novel. Yes, (cover of "The Firm" by John Grisham is shown) that John Grisham. He was so good at making white people afraid of the justice system, that, I guess, he decided to make white people afraid of Christmas, too. He succeeded, but in a way he probably didn't intend. It's mind-blowing how little this movie tries, how tired the writing is, how it doesn't attempt in any way to give us anything new! The jokes are years old, the acting is like something out of the 50s, its message is beyond half-assed and lazy, it's just friggin' horrendous!
NC: It's so bad I wish I could give this review as little effort as possible.
(After a small explosion, Santa Christ, along with Malcolm and Tamara dressed as elves, appears)
SC: Did somebody say "wish"?
NC: No. No, no, no. I'm not doing that, Santa Christ, no. I am not dignifying this review with any kind of effort whatsoever.
Tamara: Well, we put this costumes on for no reason. (Malcolm and Tamara take off their Santa hats)
Malcolm: Care for an Yuletide hamper?
Tamara: You know it.
SC: Wait! Discip-elves! Get back here, you pointy-eared lushes! Critic, what's going on?!
NC: This movie tries so little to be anything interesting or good I want to devote as little effort as possible to it! (A sad music starts playing) Like the good old days, you know. Before I had a budget or a studio...just talked in front of a camera and didn't have to try as hard. Things were easier and better then.
SC: Well, the segue you were going to put effort into would've made that happen. BUT since you're not interested... (Starts to leave, but NC stops him)
NC: NO! No, no, no! No! I want to give this movie the same shit-poor delivery it gave me!
SC: Very well, then.
(Dramatic music plays and thunder starts rumbling. NC puts his hand on Santa Christ's shoulder)
SC: (gesturing) By the discontinuous powers that somehow killed me in the Cinema Snob crossover*, yet brought me back...
- He means the Cinema Snob crossover review of "The Passion of the Christ" that came out in October, in which he died.
NC: Yeah, sorry about that.
SC: Dick. ...I send you to the past!
(An explosion sends NC and SC to...Doug Walker's parents' hallway)
NC: No, this is just my folks' place.
SC: NOT just your folks' place! Your folks' place in 2007! (Beat. NC is overjoyed) A.D.
NC: You mean I can see...?
(NC and SC go into a room with yellow walls, where the first episodes of this show were filmed. We see an NC from 2007, wearing an other black cap and a red shirt, but he's without his red tie. He notices his current self)
NC: It's young me!
Past NC: Holy shit! (He stands up) What's going on here?
NC: Hey, you wanna travel to the future for a day?
Past NC: Really? I get to see all the new ideas Hollywood comes up with?
NC: That's right. All three of them.
Past NC: I'm in!
SC: Come with me, you slightly overweight scamp.
(SC and Past NC disappear back to 2015. 2015 NC sits back down)
NC: Ah... Hello, shitty camera. Hello, shitty lights. Hello, shitty movie. This is the cheapest possible review I can give to you. No budget, no cutaways, just one asshole piece of shit talking to another asshole piece of shit. This is Christmas with the Kranks.
NC (vo): The movie opens with a convention center doubling as an airport (LA Convention Center based on what we see), where two parents, played by Jamie Lee Curtis and Tim Allen, are saying goodbye to their daughter who's just off to join the Peace Corps. As we also say goodbye to the only bit of human decency the film will offer us.
Nora: I just need a couple of things from Chip's.
NC (vo): They stop by the store to pick up some items. Or rather... Curtis has her husband go in to pick up some items.
Luther (Tim Allen): I didn't bring the umbrella.
Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis): Oh, I need that stuff from Chip's.
Luther: I didn't bring the umbrella.
Nora: Well, I still need it.
(Luther walks in the heavy rain when a car goes through a big puddle and splashes on him)
NC (vo): But he doesn't get the right stuff, so she sends him in again until he gets it right.
Nora: Did you talk to Rex? The butcher.
Luther: I didn't think of asking the butcher where the chocolate was! (Nora is speechless) But I will.
NC (vo): Our main characters, everybody! Are the Kardashians are too down-to-earth for you? Well, sit back and enjoy these charming a-holes.
Marty (Austin Pendleton): I really think you need an umbrella!
Luther: You know why I don't want one of your stupidest umbrellas, because I--
(He is cut off when the overhang breaks and dumps a torrent of water on him, causing him to constantly splutter)
NC: You know, there's slapstick, and then there's crapstick. (Beat) I'd much rather eat crapstick rather than watch any of this!
(He reaches for something, but realizes there's nothing on his table)
NC: Oh, right, I don't have any visuals. Um... (Proceeds to "eat" the said "crapstick") Om-nom-nom-nom... Crapstick.
NC (vo): Fed up, he goes to the office to figure out how much they spend on Christmas each year. And, just to give you an idea of what kind of movie we're in for, this is the kind of music they play throughout the entire thing.
(Said music is orchestrated strings with the calculator punches and dings mixed in)
NC (vo): Yep. That Einstein for babies score accompanies the whole film. It's like this music throughout the entire review.
NC: (singing) I'm reviewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing, viewing.
NC (vo): Seeing how much money they spend every year, Allen has an idea.
Luther: I'll be right back.
Nora: (giggles) Make sure you shut the curtains.
NC (vo): So she mistakes "I'll be right back" for "I want sex on the table"...
NC: ...a common error...
NC (vo): ...as he explains they should cancel their Christmas party and go on a cruise instead.
Luther: The most luxurious ship in their fleet. Cayman Islands. (acts like he's snorkeling) Snorkeling!
NC: Uh, was that snorkeling or chloroforming? Granted, a heavy dose of it would be welcoming at any time.
Nora: Well, we can still give our charitable donations to Children's Hospital and, of course, the church.
Luther: No, this is a total boycott.
Nora: It's $600.
Luther: It's a total boycott.
NC: Yeah, it's part of a complete asshole package. Look, there's even a part where you can sign up for ISIS. Don't you just sympathize with these people?
NC (vo): She horribly agrees, as she forgot we have to put up with them throughout the entire picture, as Allen writes a pointless letter, saying he is not participating in Christmas to his coworkers. He says he's not angry and bitter, yet he so angrily and bitterly hands the letters out.
Luther: I'm not angry, and (waves the letter around in a coworker's face) I... will... not yell "humbug".
NC: (as Luther, pretending to wave a piece of paper around) No, really, I'm not angry, not even the slightest. Say, what's that? (slaps an imaginary person)
NC (vo): Curtis also lets the aunt from "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch" know, and, immediately, anger starts to spread.
Nora: We're not gonna do Christmas this year.
Merry (Felicity Huffman): (scoffs) How do you simply not do Christmas?
Aubie (Patrick Breen): She's not ordering Christmas cards either.
NC: (as Nora) Don't you know? Christmas is about not embracing variety, and shame those who do!
Nora: We're taking a break! One year off, no Christmas whatsoever. (Merry and Candi are left speechless)
NC (vo, as Aubie): I told you this would happen if we let refugees in. (normal) Their block is not especially happy, either.
Luther: We're not buying a Christmas tree this year.
Randy Scanlon: Sorry we had to go up on the price.
Mr. Scanlon: We're making less per tree than last year.
Luther: It's not about the money.
NC: Even though you...clearly said that it is about the money.
(A clip from "Back to the Future" is shown, showing young Biff knocking on young George's head. NC is startled by this)
Young Biff: Hello?
NC: What the hell?
Young Biff: Hello? Anybody home?
NC: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot. I cut to random film clips a lot more in the past.
Darth Vader (from "Revenge of the Sith"): NOOOOOOOO!
NC: Yeah, got it.
Ash Williams (from "Army of Darkness"): Groovy.
NC: I'm good!
Peter Venkman (from "Ghostbusters"): He slimed me.
NC: Knock it off!
Kevin (from "Home Alone"): AAAAAAHHH!!
(NC gives up on this)
NC: Okay, maybe some of the traditions of the past are a little much, but you know what? It's still great to be back in the good old days!
Sandra Walker: (offscreen) Son, when are you gonna stop swearing?
NC: SHUT UP, MOM! PEOPLE ARE GONNA FIND THIS CHARMING!
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): The boy scouts go and tell the head of the block, played by Dan Aykroyd, about the Kranks abandoning Christmas.
Vic (Dan Aykroyd): Becker's at it again.
Luther: Evening, Vic.
NC (vo, as Vic): Enjoying the randomly placed snow puddles the sun didn't melt for some reason?
Vic: But I gotta tell you, a lot of the neighbors are pretty upset.
Luther: If you're trying to make me feel guilty, get off of me.
NC (vo, as Luther): You're just upset because my (picture of) Home Improvement bumped and saved Soul Man.
Vic: Perfect time to put up Frosty.
NC (vo): But, of course, he doesn't stop there, as every house in the block apparently hangs up some giant Frosty decoration...
NC: Oh, come on, you know what never has and never will be a thing?
NC (vo): ...and the Kranks refuse to hang theirs, spreading more misery to the easily offendable.
Walt Scheel (M. Emmet Walsh): Still working for the Man, huh? Thought they would've made you partner by now.
Luther: I gotta get to work.
Walt Scheel: Have a good one, old man. (Luther freezes in place)
NC (vo): Wow! That's some prime-meat asshole right there.
NC: (as Luther) Can I have yesterday's asshole? (normal) No, no. You deserve the crème de la crème asshole, straight from the witch's vagina!
Co-worker: Bah, humbug.
Daisy: Good morning, Mr. Scrooge.
Dox: Wal-Mart called. Said I had to buy my own cheap perfume since Santa Claus isn't coming this year.
NC: (as office worker) Well, at least our Starbucks cups are still celebrating Christmas... (a red Starbucks cup is shown) (as Luther) Oh, my God! YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF MY FIRST-WORLD PROBLEM!!
NC (vo): Get a load of this. The neighbors actually line up outside their house, demanding Frosty.
NC: ...Do any of these people work?
Vic: We're here for Frosty!
Nora: Oh, they're gonna come back! (hides under the blanket and whimpers)
NC (vo): Oh, come on, lady. Olive Oyl wouldn't overreact this much!
(Nora is calling Luther)
Nora: They want Frosty.
Luther: Well, they can't have him.
Nora: They won't go away.
Luther: Well, don't give them Frosty.
NC (vo): Now, giving in to a demand that would take seconds of no effort is working out great in this stress-free Christmas that we apparently wanted!
Nora: I am the one trapped here, I am the one dealing with this!
NC (vo): Christ, she'll react less to Michael Myers approaching the house!
(Nothing happens. NC looks around)
NC: (raises his voice) I said, "She'll react less to--" Oh, that's right. I don't have any actors. Um... Well, I'll move the camera... Nope! Nope. I'm keeping it still. Simple old days... Um...
(Cut to NC playing Nora with Jamie Lee Curtis' face instead of NC's face)
NC: (as Nora) Mike Myers, you may be the serial killer, but these people want me to hang a snowman! They're much more dangerous!
(Now, it's Michael Myers' mask)
NC: (as Myers) If only I could get you this afraid of me.
NC: (as Nora) Sorry, Mike Myers! It's Christmas Town!
(A long pause. NC removes Curtis' face)
NC: You know, the past is a lot more awkward than I remember it.
NC (vo): She tries driving away, but the neighbors, with clearly sacrificing the art of having a social life, chase her down.
Vic: Give us Frosty! Please! Indulge me for a second!
(Nora, scared out of her wits, closes the car window on Vic's hands. Vic falls, but his gloves are still stuck in the window. Nora is scared even more and screams)
NC: (after a beat) You know, "crapstick" is too good a word for this. How about something more fitting, like, um..."slapshit"? Enjoy your slapshit, everybody, which is, (yells) again, something I much rather do than watch any of this!
NC (vo): So to feel better, they go to get a tan from this sexy Oompa Loompa, which, of course, leads to even more confusing comedy.
(One customer suddenly comes in and sees Nora in her bikini)
Customer: Wow! Wow! Excuse me.
NC (vo, as customer): Oh, sorry. I'm an unexplained mere voiced pervert you'll never see again.
NC: ...Comic gold?
NC (vo): Apparently, they thought the joke would work (chuckling) so well that they actually do it again, only this time, with the perverted priest.
Father Zabrieskie (Tom Poston): It's a mall, Nora. I'm Christmas shopping.
Nora: Of course you are.
Daisy: Jeez, lady, make up your mind.
(Father Zabrieskie actually looks at Nora's chest before she covers it with her towel. NC is, well, less than amused)
NC: (after another beat) Notice that awkward silence that's accompanying this entire scene? That's because you're laughing SO HARD at this ingenious setup that they're actually allowing you to laugh at it! It's all considered that way!
(Luther, already tanned, appears)
Father Zabrieskie: Luther?
Luther: Father Zabriskie? Um... (finally realizes that they're in embarrassing situation) Hey.
NC (vo): Yes, because tanning is not God's way! Or...the way of all these onlookers, (four arrows point at them) who clearly have never left their homes and have no idea what's supposed to be inappropriate in the real world. Hell, it even makes the front page of the news. I am not shitting you! The front-page news! What the hell is going on here?!
Nora: (reading the paper) "They're preparing for a cruise, according to unnamed sources."
NC: Okay. I haven't been to (an arrow points to subtitle "Of Oak Park and Riverside" on the newspaper) Oak Park or Riverside recently, as they're not that far away from me, but...this counts as front-page news to them? Seriously?
(An image of a rock is placed to the right of NC)
NC: (yelling) Stop the presses, everybody! A rock! (a red caption "ROCK!" appears below) Oh, my God, this is the biggest story ever since (picture of) squirrel! We're on bigger than squirrel! Lockdown, everybody! We have to address the elephant in the room!
(And then The Burger King appears over the shot to an angelic chorus, scaring NC once again)
NC: D'AH! Oh, that's right. I've got up those memes I always tried to force.
M. Bison: Of course!
NC: Okay, did that connect to anything--
(And then appears...what do you think?)
Voice: Big Lipped Alligator Moment!
NC: Yes, it is, but--
(A photograph of Chuck Norris is shown against a firework background)
High-pitched voice: A-CHUCKA-NORRIIIIIS!
NC: Just like that, but--
Charlie: I was frozen today!
NC: Not that this has to do with what I'm reviewing!!
Voice: Boomer...will live.
(A moving drawing of Casper the Friendly Ghost appears, and NC frantically tries to shoo it away)
NC: STOP IT! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOOOOP!!!
(As NC pleads for the forced memes to stop, some more of them are shown)
Nick: That's a lot of fish.
NC: Christ! I thought all these repetitive traditions would be great, but, I'm sorry! I gotta return to effort!
(Santa Christ enters the room, and NC stands up)
SC: What?! You can't go back in!
NC: Why not?!
SC: Because you're supposed to learn your lesson by the end of the video. We're not even halfway through! (points down) Look at the little red border*.
- (Note: he means that if someone is watching the video on YouTube, the red border would mean what part of the video is already watched)
NC: I don't care! I need to go back, right now!
SC: Ugh. Fine. But we're violating the screenwriting lessons of Chris Columbus.
(They go back to 2015. Then we see Doug Walker's parents, Sandra and Barney, pop out from behind another door)
Sandra: Let's never have him in the house again.
(And we go to commercial)
(Commercial ends. In 2015, Past NC is watching something while clicking the mouse. He's appalled and disgusted by it at the same time. The current NC enters the room)
NC: You. Out.
(We see that Past NC is watching the much-despised Hocus Pocus review)
Past NC: What have you done?!
Past NC: Your...reviews! They have more variety, actors and visuals!
NC: Well, yeah. We got evolved in order to stay relevant.
Past NC: I'm seeing reviews where there wasn't even one white wall! (beat) That's your identity! (current NC sighs in annoyance) And some of these don't even have clips from the movie!
NC: Yeah, it's a different kind of review, and they get a lot of hits.
Past NC: But that's not traditional! How the hell can you do a review with no clips?
NC: (with a smug expression on his face) ...Similar to how other critics did for hundreds of years?
Past NC: No! It's not a review! It's just sketches! You're not saying anything about the movie at all!
(NC watches a small clip from this review)
Winifred (played by Doug): Our writing is atrocious and makes no goddamn sense! / But you'll laugh because we always used synchronized movements!
NC: Yeah, no commentary in this latest.
Past NC: Who knows what this might lead to? Crossovers, anniversary specials, (NC gives his 2007 self a look that clearly says "You don't say") a pointless feud with an angry gamer! And all of them will bomb!
NC: Okay, I don't have time for this.
(He kicks 2007's NC out of his house. Santa Christ is already waiting for him)
NC: Go back to saying "Bat-Credit Card" twenty times!
(SC prepares to send 2007 NC back to his own period, but the latter persists)
Past NC: No! I am not done here yet! (returns to the house through another door)
SC: Well, I tried. (leaves)
NC: (sits back down his chair) So, in an effort to (vo) make you as uncomfortable as possible, this scene happens.
Candi (Caroline Rhea): It's Bev Scheel, she went for a checkup yesterday. The cancer's back for the third time.
Candi: This could be her last Christmas. (hugs Nora)
Nora: (softy) Sweetheart.
NC: Yikes! (beat) Well, okay. I guess we had to find the time to show how this is affecting everybody... (Quick jump cut to Luther accidentally stepping on a cat) or we can just return to the goofy music and silly shenanigans!
Walt Scheel: If it isn't old Scrooge himself.
NC (vo): I'm not even kidding. It cuts directly to that after literally twenty seconds, twenty seconds of suddenly talking about cancer! Jesus Christ, the bedside manner of this movie is on par with the Canadian PSA!
Woman from PSA: It's a rape whistle.
NC: Merry Christmas!
NC (vo): They even have the balls to cut back to the husband of the cancer patient being an asshole again. What is this movie trying to do?
Walt Scheel: I try to be, old man.
Luther: Stop that.
Walt Scheel: Stop what?
Luther: Stop calling me old man. You're, like, 10 years older than me.
Walt Scheel: Am I?
Walt Scheel: Well, prove it.
Nora: Walt. I just heard about Bev. I'm so sorry.
NC: You know, if we could bottle this movie and drop it on our enemies, nobody would ever touch us.
NC (vo): So later on, on the most evenly light block in town, a bunch of carolers come to sing for the holidays. This causes the Kranks to duck and cover for some reason.
(As carolers are singing, Luther and Nora are hiding in the house. Whoever wrote that in the original movie script, you should have re-read that through)
NC: (flabbergasted by how stupid this is) Who the hell does this?!
NC (vo): I mean, I'm not a fan of something like country music, but that doesn't mean I am going to act anything like this if somebody played it!
(Suddenly NC hears country music and starts ducking down to avoid it. Tamara is revealed to be playing the country music on her laptop)
NC: (continuing to dodge the music) Tamara! Stop playing that music!
NC: (now dodging behind the corner) Just do it!
(Tamara shuts the music off)
NC: (sighs) Don't ever force me to have those incredibly normal spasms again!
(NC leaves the room)
Tamara: (under her breath) Freak.
Carolers: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! (cut to a close-up of Vic's face) Oh, what fun it is to ride--
NC (vo): Okay, can we never cut back to Aykroyd singing ever again?
Carolers: --one horse open sleigh, hey!
NC: I thought there was a legal agreement he would never do that again after Blues Brothers 2000.
Carolers: Frosty the Snowman!
NC (vo): Apparently, their Christmas spirit is so down that even their statue of Frosty turns evil... I can't make that shit up.
Neighbors: Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty!
NC (vo): And that's not just the lighting, they had to literally sculpt that just to give it an evil brow! The symbolism's amazing. (a screenshot from "Gravity", showing Ryan Stone floating in a fetal position, is shown) Why don't you just have an alien pop up in "Gravity" and say...
Alien (voiced by Doug): She's a fetus! It's a metaphor of her rebirth!
NC (vo): This leads to the movie turning into "Home Alone" for absolutely no reason.
(A mailman slips on the ice path made by Luther and falls. Luther cheers)
NC (vo, as Luther): Yeah! Take that, mailman, who has no interests in my actions!
(A group of carolers also slips and falls. Nora runs to them, falls and slides down)
NC (vo): Look out. It's clearly not cold enough outside for that water to freeze.
(Nora sees that Luther has frozen the cat he stepped on earlier. NC is, once again, not amused by it)
NC: I'm just gonna assume that was thrown in there for the poster. Is it on there?
(A poster for the movie is shown, with an arrow pointing to that cat frozen in the exact same position)
NC: Yeah. Animal cruelty is fine, as long as it's used for promotional purposes.
NC (vo): And, hey, since it's the early 2000s, why not a needless Botox joke?
Luther: I got a Botox injection today.
NC: (laughing) Because Lord knows, this won't be everywhere!
Luther: I got a Botox...
Fiona (from "A Cinderella Story"): It's the Botox.
???: I just want this little Botox party.
Adon (from "Just Go with It"): Did you bring any Botox?
Danny (from "Just Go with It"): I didn't bring the Botox.
Perry Cox (from "Scrubs"): Did you Botox your face into an expressionless mask?
(Malcolm comes up and literally shoots the clip from "Scrubs", which falls to the table)
NC: It's time we lay that joke to rest.
(Malcolm starts to perform the scene's last rites)
NC: (silently) No, don't do it.
NC: After his face literally heals the next day...hey, it heals faster than the other scars this movie leaves...people call their house, demanding that they free Frosty. They even start standing outside all day.
Kids: (chanting) Free Frosty! Free Frosty!
NC (vo, as kid): Hey, Bobby, you want to waste hours of our childhood, chanting outside of a house about how someone should hang up a piece of plastic?
NC (vo, as "Bobby"): What grown boy hasn't?!
NC (vo): But, suddenly, they get news that not only is their daughter coming home for Christmas that night, but that she just met someone and is getting married.
NC: Whoa! That seems really fast and out of nowhere. We should obviously sit her down and talk about her future--
Nora: We're having a party!
NC (vo): Or throw a Christmas party! That's obviously much more important here!
Luther: What about our trip?
Nora: This was all your stupid idea!
Luther: Five minutes ago, I was a genius.
Nora: Yeah, well, now you're an idiot.
NC: Hey, that's what every fan said about John Grisham after watching this movie!
Luther: Five minutes ago, I was a genius.
Nora: Yeah, well, now you're an idiot.
NC (vo): This moment is apparently so wonderful that Frosty goes back to smiling again. It... Is that snowman possessed?
NC: Should we make the next one out of holy water?
NC (vo): So, the always-loving boy scouts rake up the price for their shittiest tree...
NC: Kinda surprised they're allowed to be attached to this, actually...
NC (vo): ...So Allen asks his neighbor if he can borrow his. Christ, that's not a tree! That's a stoner's breakfast. But that's okay. He uses one of the kids still chanting outside his house to help him out.
Kids: (still chanting) Free Frosty! Free Frosty!
NC: Okay, seriously. Who would waste so much time on something so pathetic?
Malcolm: Uh, Critic?
(Malcolm and Tamara point to 2007's NC, who's jumping outside and chanting)
Past NC: (chanting) Free Critic! Free Critic! Free Critic! Free Critic!
NC: (sighs) I never thought I'd say this, but...you have my permission to beat the shit out of me.
(Tamara and Malcolm smile and take out the bow and the sword, respectively. They go outside. Past NC is not chanting that wildly as he did moments ago)
Past NC: Free Critic... Free Critic... Wait, wait, wait, wait! He barely had you in this episode, didn't he?
(Tamara and Malcolm think for a second)
Tamara: That's true.
Past NC: What if I told you I could get you an even more important role?
(He smiles evilly, and Malcolm and Tamara exchange their glances and nod in agreement. Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So Curtis goes to pick up the last Hickory Honey ham in the store. But another woman has her sights on it.
(Nora and the woman are trying to beat each other to the ham as "Russian Dance" from "The Nutcracker" plays)
NC: Okay, can we agree that any movie with comedic "Nutcracker" music should be dead to the world?
(Nora falls into her shopping cart, and screams as she is sent crashing through some boxes. The woman grabs the ham and shows it to Nora)
Woman: (tauntingly) Happy holidays.
(Nora falls out of the shopping cart, and NC glares at the scene)
NC: You know, I feel "slapshit" is too good of a word for what this is now. How about... "shit-shit"? That... you just watch this movie, you think "shit-shit". Can you think of any other perfect word for this? Hell, a little child could look at this and think... (shows a photo of a baby, whose lips digitally move)
Baby (voiced by Doug): Shit-shit!
NC: Yes, yes, very good, Billy. Shit-shit indeed.
Billy (vo): Its comedic foundation is seriously lacking.
NC: Yeah, okay, don't oversell it.
NC (vo): But she comes across what Martin Short would look like two years from now, who somehow gets invited to the party.
Marty: Thank you.
Nora: Who are you?
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Allen tries to put Frosty up on the roof.
Vic: Hey, kids! Guys! Mr. Krank is putting up his Frosty. (kids run away from a TV to watch this)
NC (vo, as a kid): The hell with these boring video games! We can watch the wonder of a man slowly plugging in a light!
(Luther loses his balance)
Vic: Easy. Easy, easy! Careful!
Luther: (quietly, to his Frosty) Back. We got to go back that way.
(Frosty's eyes light up creepily, and NC is disturbed by this)
NC: Okay! (beat) Is that thing made out of Satan's saliva?!
NC (vo, as Frosty): (in demonic voice) DO YOU WANNA KILL TIM ALLEEEEN?
(Luther nearly falls, but the rope is still holding him down)
NC (vo): But emergency vehicles come, pointlessly parking on the lawn and cutting him down in a way that injures him even more.
(A firefighter cuts the rope, and Luther eventually falls)
NC: (scoffs) Firefighters. Bunch of hacks, right?
NC (vo): So they finally let everybody know that they're celebrating Christmas again, and they need their help to get ready.
Vic: Drop what you're doing and pitch in.
Neighbor #1: Why should we do this for him?
Neighbor #2: Yeah. He's a jerk.
Vic: Regardless of how you feel about Luther...I know a lot of you have mixed feelings about him now...but we're a community!
NC (vo, as Vic): A dangerously OCD community with issues we'll address another time!
Vic: The people in a community stick together. Even if one of them has been behaving, for most of the holiday season, like a spoiled, selfish little baby.
NC (as Vic): Unlike us! Bottom line: peer pressure always works. If someone doesn't do what you want, harass them until they do it. (gives two thumbs up) Christmas!
NC (vo): So, as everyone tries to prepare for the party, a couple of cops, who should be on duty, pick their daughter up. All while partaking in what I can only call seizure-inducing editing.
(A montage of people preparing for the Christmas party is...yeah, jump cuts of it)
Spike Frohmeyer (Erik Per Sullivan): Officer Frohmeyer here. Do you read me?
NC: Wow. If that doesn't give you a medical condition, I don't know what will.
(Jump cuts from the same scene are shown to us and NC)
Spike Frohmeyer: Officer Frohmeyer here.
NC: In fact, is it...me, or is it...repeating? Boy, if that really was repeating, that could...
(Cut to reveal that Malcolm and Tamara are doing this!)
NC: ...really mess up your mind a little bit. Maybe even...causing you to...pass out...
(And NC passes out. Cut to him falling to the floor and Tamara locking him in the storage closet)
Past NC: Excellent. Now, the Nostalgia Critic will be like the old days! Nothing but clips, memes! And there's time for actual analysis of the movie!! (laughs evilly)
Malcolm: And you'll give us a more important role, right?
Past NC: Of course.
(He nods menacingly while the dramatic sting plays out. Malcolm and Tamara nod cheerfully in response. Then they do it one more time, but with a different sting. They then nod AGAIN. And YET AGAIN! Then they realize it has gone too long, and Malcolm and Tamara just shrug and leave. Meanwhile, the current NC wakes up. He pushes the door and finds out he's locked in. He sighs and rubs his forehead)
NC: Why is it whenever I wake up, I always have a 50/50 chance of being in Hell against my will? Okay, well... Special storage closet edition!
NC (vo): We see one plug somehow takes out an entire block, but it's turned right back on again....
NC: (beat) I'll alert you if this ever becomes relevant.
NC (vo): ...As the cops are told to stall dropping off Blair because they're not ready for the party, so they fake a break-in going on, only to discover... there really is a break-in going on! What are the goddamn chances?
Officer Salino: Police!
Burglar: Eat this! (throws an appliance straight down that lands nowhere near the cops)
NC (vo, as burglar): I was talking to that ladybug on the ground, as I clearly didn't throw that anywhere near you!
(The cops tackle the burglar to the ground)
NC (vo): They eventually catch and arrest him--yeah, I'm guessing that was a fun ride home--as, per obvious police protocol, they don't take him to the police station, drive him instead to a suburban home, abandon him and go inside to enjoy the party, leaving him all alone in the car with the window open.
NC: Christ! Is there a (picture of speedometer with the caption "Stupid Per Hour" is shown) speed limit for how much stupid this movie is doing?!
NC (vo): And get this: purposefully overlooked "Malcolm in the Middle" joke comes up to the criminal, and actually falls for the lie he is telling him.
Burglar: I'm starving out here. I haven't eaten in seven days.
Spike: Seven days?!
Burglar: Yeah, any scraps I get, I give them to the kids.
NC (as burglar): You look about the age of... idiot. You'll believe anything I say, right?
Spike: No funny business, alright?
Burglar: On my kids' lives.
NC: I mean, come on, if you can't trust a guy in the back of a police car, who can you trust?! Thankfully, this doesn't interrupt the toast that the family is making.
Nora: I-I-I... just wanted to say...thank you.
Nora: You really have shown us the true meaning of community.
NC: Through your constant harassment, you came through after we have you what you wanted. (pretends to raise a glass) Cheers, assholes! (pretends to drink from said "glass")
NC: But Allen is mad because he didn't get to go on his trip, and also because this movie doesn't know when to stop. WHY IS THIS STILL GOING!?
Nora: Everyone out there sacrificed their Christmas Eve to help us. I thought maybe that might affect you. Maybe have you start thinking of putting others first instead of yourself.
NC: Why can't you join the rest of the neighborhood in their one selfish need?
NC (vo): But Allen gets the idea to go to the neighbor whose wife has cancer.
Luther: How's Bev?
Walt: Oh, she's having a good day, uh, thanks. Uh, we... we started over to see Blair, but you know, snow started.
NC: Yes, and it was a whole two more feet, so...
NC (vo): Seeing how Allen and Curtis aren't going to use their tickets anymore, they decide to give it to the couple, allowing them to go on the trip instead of them.
Luther: This is...a sincere, heartfelt Christmas offering to two...very selfless people.
NC: Hmmm, yeah, should we look at those selfless moments again?
Walt (montage): Think you can run away from Christmas, huh?/He's kind of weird./If it isn't old Scrooge himself./Thought they would have made you partner by now./What a jerk.
NC: (giving the "a-okay" hand gesture) Real saint!
Luther: I got airline tickets, I got cruise passes, I've got a brochure...
NC (vo): Half of those you can't transfer over, as everybody knows, but hey, it's the last minute thought that counts.
Bev: What about the cat?
Luther: I'll take the cat.
Walt: Are you sure?
NC (vo): Yes, because (shows scenes as he talks about them) after stepping on it, hissing at it, and freezing it nearly to death, I'd totally trust you to look after its well-being!
NC: By God, remember the days when scenes had one or two dumb moments in it? This has got to be a Guinness record.
NC (vo): But, even still it's not over. As the burglar decides to rob the Kranks' house, as opposed to every other empty house on the block...no wonder you ever get friggin' caught...and we finally find out who that guy was that Curtis invited over to the party.
Marty: I told you you could use an umbrella.
Luther: Wait a minute. You're the guy that was selling the umbrellas in the rain, aren't you?
Marty: It's a living. (drives off in a Volkswagen Beetle) Merry Christmas!
NC: (confused over what he just saw) What a twist! An incredibly weak, tying into absolutely nothing important, twist.
NC (vo): And here it finally ends, thank God! I can't imagine in the last few seconds them possibly make this any dumber--
(Shot zooms out to show Frosty taking off his top hat and bowing to the audience)
NC: (beat) Okay, I can't imagine it possibly getting dumber than that in the last poss--
(Shows Marty's Volkswagen attached to reindeer, revealing that Marty is really Santa Claus)
Santa: Merry Christmas!
NC: (dumbfounded) Merry Christmas to all, and I spiked all your eggnog! What the hell was that?!
NC (vo): He was Santa, who dresses as Santa... because he doesn't look like Santa, and flies a Volkswagen, after selling umbrellas...for money. Santa sells umbrellas for money, but he has reindeer, we at least got that part right about him. You know...seeing how we pretty much got every other conceivable thing about him wrong... But, hey! At least Christmas With the Kranks set us straight, proving once again that they have an unbelievable understanding of everything Christmas!
NC: (getting really angry) It's so stupid, it's so stupid, it's so stupid, IT'S SO STUPID!!!!
(NC's anger literally explodes, blowing down the door. NC runs out of the storage closet)
NC: (looking at his hands) Huh. I've got to have this exploding problem looked at. (he then runs back to his office)
Past NC: And that was my eight-minute review of The Last Airbender. I'm sorry the wall was the wrong color, but hey, at least it's not as bad as A BAT CREDIT CARD! (starts waving his gun around and shooting it) I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!!
(NC runs into the room)
NC: What the hell are you doing? (Past NC stops his rant and sees NC)
Past NC: I did it, I did a traditional Nostalgia Critic review with no visuals, no cutaways, just me in front of a white wall!
NC: Well, what'd you do with Malcolm and Tamara?
Past NC: Oh, I put them to good use.
(NC looks down to see that the Past NC is using Malcolm as his desk. He then turns and sees an annoyed Tamara balancing the camera on her head)
NC: Okay, get the hell out of here! You're exactly like this movie!
(Past NC hurriedly gets out of the chair as the current NC walks toward him)
NC: You think that just repeating the same traditions over and over is somehow what's most important!
(Malcolm and Tamara join him. Past NC takes his laptop and goes to sit on the couch)
Past NC: Well, I'm about to show you! I just posted this on the internet. And I'm going to prove that people like to see the exact same formula over and over!
(Current NC sighs and puts his desk back where it belongs)
Past NC: And soon you're gonna have to change that wall to an off white! OFF WHITE!
(Current NC sits in his chair, about to resume the review)
NC: Yeah, well, I'm embarrassed you were ever a part of me. I'm gonna wrap up this review telling the world that!
(Past NC looks excitedly at his laptop)
Past NC: Aha! Here we go!
(As he looks at how viewers responded to his video, his face falls)
Past NC: But... barely anybody's watching it.
(Malcolm and Tamara look at his distraught face, feeling sorry for him)
Past NC: Nobody cares that this is like one of the old reviews.
NC: Yeah, well there you go, idiot!
Past NC: And the comments...they're not positive at all. Gosh, it's almost like the majority of online comments are usually...negative.
(Malcolm and Tamara look at each other then go over to the couch to sit next to him)
Tamara: Look, you're still pretty new to this, but there's a saying that most of us know.
Malcolm: Yeah. You never read the comments.
Past NC: But...that's why I did it. To make them laugh. I figure...maybe if I can make them laugh, I can finally get them to like me.
(Present NC looks over, feeling bad about his past self's mood)
Past NC: That's the whole reason I started doing this.
(Present NC remembers back to his youth. We see a flashback where a teen NC looks annoyed, and is laughed at)
Student: Hey, loser, where's Patty Mayonnaise? (laughs some more)
(Another flashback is shown. This time, it's a young adult NC with a camera tripod and on the phone)
Caller: Hey, Spielberg, what's the name of your next movie? Attack of the 50ft Forehead?
(Caller laughs as an annoyed NC hangs up. Another flashback where we see NC outside)
NC: I was thinking, maybe, if your weren't doing anything this Friday night, maybe we could hang out--
Girl: Ew! (slaps NC in the face) Gross!
(NC looks embarrassed and disappointed by that remark. We cut back to the present where NC is in thought)
Past NC: I just thought...this would change everything, you know.
(Past NC looks to be on the verge of tears, as Present NC gives a sympathetic look. He turns to look at his camera, and after looking over again, he collects himself for the final thoughts)
NC: We're not who we were. We change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst, but we all change. Movies like this don't want us to change.
NC (vo): (talks as film clips play over) They try to shame those who do things their own way. They act like the importance is in the details, and not in the overall message.
NC: This is a horrible thing to teach, especially when talking about Christmas.
(Looks at his 2007 self again and turns back)
NC: But we shouldn't be ashamed of our past, nor should we glorify it.
(Malcolm, Tamara and Past NC turn to look at him)
NC: It's like anything: there's positives and negatives. There's good moments in bad times and there's bad moments in good times. Because of this, traditions can be hard to figure out, too. Sometimes we obsess over things when we don't need to. Other times, we... (looks at the Demo Reel logo on his Samsung phone) try something new when we probably should have left good enough alone. But in between one foot in the past and one in the future lies what matters most. The choices we make now are what always has and always will to find who we are. So, this Christmas, when you remember to be kind and understanding of others...remember to be kind and understanding of yourself. And those moments you remember as being embarrassing, you may find not only the most precious moments, but often the most important. And some times should be looked at with more appreciation than you think. We're always gonna get angry at ourselves, but, as long as you always try to learn and get better, you'll find it doesn't last that long. And trust me when I say...you're definitely worth the time. I'm the Nostalgia Critic... (shows a middle finger) This movie can suck it.
(He looks back and sees that 2007's NC is missing. He stands up and goes over to the door leading to the outside. He, Malcolm and Tamara silently watch Past NC smiling and going back to 2007 with the help of Santa Christ. Malcolm and Tamara put their hands on NC's shoulders)
NC: Don't touch me! You gave me a seizure!
Tamara: Hey, you barely put us in the review!
NC: Oh, yeah, he made that a lot better!
(They start leaving the room)
Malcolm: Hey, it's not easy being a table.
NC: It's not easy being unconscious!
Tamara: You know how hard it is to balance a camera on top of your head?
NC: Oh, GOOD FOR YOU!
(And NC closes the door, thus ending the review)
(We go to the credits. "O Tannenbaum" plays throughout. Then, we cut to one take of Tamara balancing the camera on her head)
Doug: (offscreen) Tamara! Pad left! (she turns to the left) Pad right! (she turns to the right) Dutch angle! (she moves her head to make a dutch angle) White balance!
Tamara: Okay, this is as white at its balance as it gets!
Doug: (offscreen) You're fired!
Tamara: Fine. (beat) I'm not even mad.
(She takes the camera off her head. Everybody in the room, including Tamara, burst out laughing)
(Channel Awesome logo)
Walt: What a jerk.