And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(roars like lion) ...Spoilers!
There's these two kids who live in London.
And their names are Edmund and Lucy.
And Edmund wants to join the army.
Support our troops! (salutes)
But the army says he's too young.
Get out of our troops! (salutes)
And they have a cousin named Eustace.
That's an odd name, isn't it?
Sort of sounds like when they sneeze.
And Eustace is angry because he doesn't like his cousins, and he looks exactly like Carrot Top!
Seriously, it's scary.
But then this picture with a ship in it starts to move.
And water starts to come out and drown everybody!
That's what I see every time I look at a painting!
You know how they say art is dangerous? That's the proof, man!
But suddenly, they're transported into Narnia!
And they're onboard a ship called the Dawn Treader.
Which is a very appropriate name because it only seems to sail at dawn.
Ya ever notice that? Every time it's onscreen, it's always at dawn!
What, is the crew like, "Let's sail to adventure!"
"Wait, the sky has to be a pretty purple haze!" (Long pause) "...Okay."
And they come across the mouse from the first film named Reepy Cheepy.
And the kids are like, "Wow! You've gotten bigger!"
"And you're played by a different actor!"
And it turns out the ship is run by Prince Caspian.
Who is now King Caspian!
So the kids are like, "So, what danger has befalled Narnia?"
"Oh, ah... What evil has befalled Narnia?"
"Oh, well ah... What IS wrong with Narnia?"
"Nothing. We've had peace for years."
(stares) "...Well, what's the plot?!"
"A green fart has eaten seven old guys, and we have to go find 'em."
So the Carrot Top kid is really obnoxious and angry.
"I'm obnoxious and angry, and my story arc is taking way too long!"
But then, Cheepa Cheep comes along to make him happy again!
"You're a jerk!"
"You're a jerk!"
And so on.
So they come across this invisible house where a magician lives.
And he's like, "You need to collect seven swords in order to stop the green fart!"
"Because the green smoke is forcing people into slave trading!"
"Well, why is it doing that?"
So they come across a pond that turns everything into gold.
I think they call it the Pixar effect.
But Edmund and Prince Caspian are like, "I'm better than you! I'm better than you! I'm better than you! I'm better than you!"
"Stop! You're both acting like jerks!"
Story arc over!
But then Lucy wishes she could look like the older sister.
"I too wanna look like a taller version of the Nostalgia Chick!" But then Aslan is like, "Stop it."
Story arc over!
But then this father and daughter wanna find their mother, who was taken in the green
And Caspian is like, "You can stay onboard. Just keep in the back and don't interfere with the plot!"
"Okay. Look, our mother!"
Story arc over!
But then the Carrot Top kid and Rapa Chip keep talking.
And they're like, "Everyone else's story arc is over. How come ours isn't over?!"
"'Cause I'm a cute mouse and easily marketable."
"So, they need as much screentime with me as possible."
"Oh! Well, can I be marketable?"
"Maybe if you turn into a dragon."
"Okay!" (poof sound) "I'm a dragon now!"
"But, unfortunately, you can't talk."
HOORAY! ...I mean, awww.
So, they all follow a star into the green fart's hideout.
And it turns out the star is a beautiful woman!
No wonder astronauts keep going into space!
If all the stars were that hot, I'd join NASA too!
It's one small step for man, one giant leap for my Johnson.
So, they go to the lair of the green fart.
And the crew is like, "Don't think of anything! Whatever you think will suddenly become real!"
And Edmund is like, "I can't help it! It just popped in there!"
"What just popped in there?!"
"No, it can't be!"
"What did you do, Edmund?!"
...It's the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man. (roars)
Oh, wait, I mean a sea serpent!
(Chester's hand pops into view) You are all gonna die! (attacks)
But then, Aslan returns!
And he's like, "Could you put those seven swords on the table?"
"Because that'll kill the monster."
"Why don't you just kill the monster--" (Is interrupted by roaring) "Alright! Alright! I'm going!"
So the swords are laid down and the green fart is destroyed!
So they come across this great big wave where Aslan is.
And Aslan is like, "That is my kingdom. You may enter it, but you may never come back."
"Whyyy?" (Is interrupted by roaring) "Okay! Okay! God!"
So the kids are like, "We can't go. We have family waiting at home."
But the mouse is like, "I've sold enough plushies and milked my character for all it's worth. Surf's up!" (Pretends to surf)
But Lucy and Edmund are like, "We're too old to come back to Narnia, aren't we?"
And Aslan is like, "That's right, grandma! Go back to your retirement home and get in your wheelchair!"
"But will we ever see you again?"
"Of course. For in your world I am known by a different name." (Long pause)
"...Jesus?" (Is interrupted by roaring) "Okay! We're going! We're going!"
So the kids go back home, and they live happily ever after.
But the Carrot Top kid is like, "Can I come back?"
"It all depends."
"On box office records."
So "Narnia" was a lot of fun!
But for a movie series that started off with "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," you don't really see much of the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe.
I mean, Aslan is like, (walks across screen) "Hi. Bye."
And the witch is like, (poofs in) "I'm a green fart." (poofs away)
And the wardrobe is like, (Chester sticks hand into frame and waves).
But ehh, maybe I'm just nit-picking.
And let's admit, I'm very good at nit-picking!
(slaps head) Ooh, there's a nit now! (pretends to eat it)
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, help me buy a dawn treader! I know some multi-colored farts that need some vanquishing!