(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Cinderella II: Dreams Come True. "Nutcracker: Waltz of the Flowers" by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky plays throughout)
Doug (vo; sighs): Cinderella II: Dreams Come True. And if you think that title is unbelievably boring and generic, well, you just summed up this entire sequel. Why do people think there needs to be more than happily ever after? That's a perfectly good ending. It's the most popular ending of all time!
Doug (vo): But, no. This thrilling fairy tale needs to continue with the Fairy Godmother now living in the palace for some reason...I guess she wasn't happy just living as a pile of sparkling dust, however that works...but instead, she likes to read to her mice friends. But, oh, no! They want to do something nice for Cinderelly. This is the major concern of the film. So she recommends that they make a book with all the fascinating stories that happened in the castle. That's right, all three of them, because that's all that's worth telling in an hour and a half, and honestly, I don't even know if those are really worth telling. Yep, it's another one of those anthology stories where they just throw three separate stories together, don't really connect them that well, and, well, everybody suffers for it.
(Clips of the first story, Aim to Please, are shown)
Doug (vo): The first story is about Cinderella learning how to be a princess. She has to learn how to dance right, and dress right, and turn away commoners, and cook boring food. It's hard. But it's okay, some R&B pop songs help her out. "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo", "So This Is Love", all these classic songs, hell with that shit that nobody will ever remember! Now we have pop songs, sung by pop singers whose nobody's names they'll remember, even if they sneeze it by accident. You want a real good laugh? Fast-forward to the credits and hear their R&B version of "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo". I'm not even kidding. It's...pretty hilarious.
(Clips of the second story, Tall Tail, are shown)
Doug (vo): But that's just one of the three boring-ass stories. Jaq is apparently tired of being a mouse, so the Fairy Godmother turns him into a human. (Speaks sarcastically) But being a human is really hard, and you can guess where this bullshit goes from there.
(Clips of the third story, An Uncommon Romance, are shown)
Doug (vo): The last story is about her stepsister Anastasia wanting to get a date for the ball. The fact that any of them would go to the ball after everything that's happened is kind of funny, but what's even funnier is that Cinderella is totally okay with helping her out. Yeah, all that sabotaging, locking her in the room, all forgiven. Cinderella just wants her to discover how to be her true self. (Speaks in a sarcastic whiny tone) But being her true self is hard! (Groans in annoyance)
Doug (vo): This sequel in so many ways reminds me of Belle's Magical Journey, right down to all the stories that they try to tell and don't really tie them together. Is it quite as bad as that one? I guess not. I mean, the animation is ten times better than it deserves to be. And give it some credit, they try to tie it together, even if it was really loosely, and they kept the stories really short, just down to three. But, big shock, none of these stories are really interesting and definitely not worthy of the title "Cinderella II". At least Beauty and the Beast didn't call it "Beauty and the Beast 3". This is marketed as a direct sequel, and it's obviously not. It's just some stories they threw together. But, come on. Haven't you ever wanted to hear Cinderella say, "This hair. Ew!"?
Cinderella: (while letting her hair down) This hair. Ew!
Doug (vo): And haven't you ever wanted to see Lucifer wear a Rastafarian hat? Oh, my God...what?
(We are shown the scene of Lucifer the cat wearing a Rastafarian hat as Doug stammers in annoyance)
Doug (vo): Oh, it's so stupid! The only thing that's kind of likeable in this whole thing, again, aside from the animation, is, surprisingly, Anastasia is kind of a likeable character. I know I made fun of the fact that Cinderella helps her out and, yeah, technically in the story, it doesn't really make sense, but the way they animate her and the way the voice acting is done, I do genuinely kind of feel sorry for her. It's the one thing I didn't really expect, and I guess it's actually done kind of okay. I don't know. I feel they did a surprising, if not sporadic, job of suddenly making her kind of likeable. But what does it matter? They still put her in the same bullshit stories with the same "misunderstandings" that suddenly make everybody turn away and go, "Oh, no! He doesn't love me!" All that bullshit.
Final thought Edit
Doug (vo): This movie's stupid, this movie's pointless, this movie's dumb! I enjoy the animation, but that kind of makes me hate it even more. This animation could've gone to something so much better! I feel like it's just wasted. Everything is wasted, except the opportunity, 'cause there is no opportunities, so you can't even call it a wasted opportunity! I guess if you have, like, a little, little kid and they just want to see Cinderella in the palace try on dresses, spin around, all that nonsense, it's fine. I mean, there's nothing ethically wrong for them or anything. But if you want to show them a fairy tale that's gonna enchant and delight, this shoe is definitely on the wrong frigging foot.
(A scene showing a large ball going on in the palace is shown)