Soapy the Germ Fighter
August 18, 2011
NOTE: Doug and Noah's riffs are voiceovered.
(We hear an orchestra tuning up as we fade in on a CG red curtain.)
Doug: (speaking in a deep voice) Good evening, and welcome to "That Guy Riffs!" (the title appears in hand-drawn letters) Today, Noah Antwiler joins the Riff as they look at what happens when party etiquette is told by the spawns of Satan. Sit back, and enjoy. (makes a hacking noise as music and visuals fade)
(Fade in on the production logo: "Young America Films presents", backed by an image of an eagle, as music from the film plays.)
Doug: (deep voice) Approved by Sam the Eagle.
(Dissolve to the title: "Cindy Goes to a Party", with an image of a fairy waving a wand next to it.)
Noah: Cindy goes to a party and gets crunk!
Doug: Well, this is a much more pleasant followup to their last movie: "Cindy Gets Violent Bowel Surgery".
(Dissolve to one more title card: "A Centron Production".)
Noah: Centron, the company that makes videos showing you how to behave at a party, and how to deal with the STD you get at the party!
(As Noah was speaking, the film begins: a boy and a girl are on a driveway, playing basketball.)
Female voice: (calling from offscreen) Cindy! Come on in, Cindy!
Doug: (as Cindy) Okay, Mom, clearly in a studio!
Cindy: (to boy she was playing) Guess we'll have to finish the game tomorrow afternoon.
Boy: Tomorrow? I'm going to Mary's party tomorrow. Aren't you?
Cindy: A party? Why, I didn't even...
Noah: Dot dot dot.
Cindy: No, I don't like parties. I never have any fun at parties.
Boy: I was kinda hoping you'd go. Parties are more fun when all your friends are there.
Mom: (calling out) Cindy!
Boy: Well, I'd better go.
Noah: (as boy) I hear my mom calling.
Boy: I'll see ya. Here's your ball.
(The boy leaves as Cindy dejectedly goes into the house, carrying her basketball.)
Doug: (as Cindy; muttering angrily) Stupid little Mary, the bitch! Stupid Mary with the goddamn party! Stupid little bitch, I'll show her! I'll kill her! (mutters more indistinctly and loudly)
Noah: This is an interesting prequel to Carrie.
(As Cindy enters the house, the screen fades to black. Then a gunshot is heard.)
Doug and Noah: The end!
(The screen fades in on Cindy in bed, as her mother fixes her hair for her.)
Cindy: Mother, why do you suppose Mary didn't invite me to her party?
Noah: WHO SAID YOU COULD TALK!?
Cindy's mom: Are you sure you didn't get an invitation?
Cindy: Maybe they thought I wouldn't want to go to the party. They probably thought I wouldn't know how to act.
Cindy's mom: Hey, now!
Noah: Frau Blücher!
Doug and Noah: (whinnying noises)
Cindy's mom: Your name's Cindy, not Cinderella. You'll get an invitation to the party. There's just been some mix up.
Noah: Her mom is Eraserhead!
Cindy: (getting down into bed) Oh, it's not important anyhow. Good night, Mother.
Cindy's mom: Good night, Cindy. (leaves)
Doug: (as Cindy's mom) I'm off to drunk-dial your father to see why he hasn't taken you yet.
(Cindy closes her eyes and goes to sleep, while ethereal music starts playing in the background.)
Cindy's mom: (echoing voice) Your name's Cindy, not Cinderella... You'll go to the party... You'll go to the party...
Doug: (sinister whisper) Kill your parents...!
Noah: (sinister whisper) Make them pay for the shock therapy!
Doug: (as Pennywise) They float! THEY ALL FLOAT!
Offscreen voice: Cindy... Cindy... Wake up, Cindy...
Doug: (as aforementioned offscreen voice) It's your other personality...
Cindy: (waking up) What? Who's there? I don't see anybody.
(A woman in a fairy outfit and holding a wand appears.)
Woman: Of course you didn't.
Woman: I'm not just anybody, I'm your fairy godmother.
Noah: From hell!
Cindy: (not convinced) Sure.
Fairy Godmother: You don't believe me?
Doug: (as fairy godmother) Shall I show you a demonstration of my evil powers?
Fairy Godmother: Well, that's up to you. I just thought you might want to go to that party.
Cindy: Oh, I do, I do!
Fairy Godmother: We've got some work to do. We've got to get you ready.
Cindy: Oh, but I wasn't invited to the party. They probably thought I'd rather play basketball or go fishing or–
Fairy Godmother: Well, you've been invited alright. I've seen to that.
Doug: (as fairy godmother) I made Mary crawl.
Fairy Godmother: And I'm going with you. But you mustn't tell anyone.
Cindy: Not even Dennis?
Fairy Godmother: Well... maybe we'd better tell Dennis.
Noah: Whoever that is.
Fairy Godmother: I have a feeling he's going to need my help, too. Hurry up, or you'll be late!
Cindy: The party isn't until this afternoon.
(The fairy godmother turns...)
Noah: Satan, my dark lord, I command thee!
(...and, with a wave of her wand, makes the room comparatively lighter.)
Fairy Godmother: It is this afternoon. Now hurry up, out of bed! (Cindy gets out of bed while the fairy godmother looks her over) Oh, what a mess.
Doug: (as fairy godmother) You need rubber sheets.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, well. That's why I have the magic wand. Ready?
Noah: (as fairy godmother waves her wand) The devil transformus!
(Cindy's pajamas turn into a dress.)
Cindy: Oh, but this isn't my very best dress.
Doug: (as Cindy) It's not slutty enough.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, now look, you're not going to the party to show off your clothes. But you should be...
(The fairy godmother waves her wand, revealing the words "Be Clean".)
Doug and Noah: (startled yelp)
Fairy Godmother: ...clean...
(The fairy godmother waves her wand again, this time revealing the words "And Neat" under "Be Clean".)
Doug and Noah: (startled yelp)
Fairy Godmother: ...and neat when you go to the party. (Cindy smiles)
Noah: (as Cindy) Truly you ARE a god!
Fairy Godmother: Hurry now; we don't want to be late. Ready? (raises her wand) Here we go to Mary's!
Doug: (I have no idea what he's saying; it sounds like "Do-si-do pancre-deuce!")
(The scene changes to reveal Cindy and her fairy godmother standing in front of someone else's door.)
Fairy Godmother: Here we are!
Cindy: Oh, I hope everyone is already here. I'd hate to be the first one.
Fairy Godmother: I don't blame you. No one likes to sit and wait for a party to start. But the party can't really get going until everyone arrives.
Noah: Bringing their pipes.
Fairy Godmother: So whenever you go to a party, Cindy, always...
Noah: (as fairy godmother waves her wand) Cthulhu fhtagn!
Fairy Godmother: (her wand made the words "Be On Time" appear) Be on time. And when the clock says it's time to go home...
Noah: (as fairy godmother waves her wand again) Bothel, we summon!
Fairy Godmother: (her wand makes the words "Leave On Time") Be sure to leave on time; that's important.
Cindy: Will my clothes turn like Cinderella?
Fairy Godmother: (laughs) Oh, no.
Doug: (he and Noah make nervous sounds by the closeup of her) Is it me or is Björk looking creepier?
Fairy Godmother: But you can spoil the fun of a party if you try to make it last too long so that everyone gets tired and bored.
Offscreen voice: Come on, Janice!
Cindy: (looking offscreen) Oh look, here come some of the others now!
Noah: Tell no one of my presence.
(The fairy godmother disappears as some kids walk up to Cindy.)
Cindy: They walked in here at the same time. (turns back to where the fairy godmother once stood, only to find nothing) We're– Where'd you go?
Girl: Hi, Cindy. Who are you talking to?
Cindy: Oh, no one. I was just thinking out loud, I guess. Hi, Janice!
Janice: Hi, Cindy!
(The door opens and a girl lets the group in. Doug and Noah make girlish sounds, which includes Noah saying, "Cindy!". Meanwhile, Cindy runs into the boy she was playing basketball with earlier.)
Girl: Glad you could come!
Cindy: Oh, hi, Dennis!
Doug: Who invited you?
Dennis: I thought you weren't coming to the party.
Cindy: I wasn't, but... you'll see her, then you'll understand.
Dennis: See her? See who?
(On the wall is a painting of Whistler's Mother.)
Noah: By the seven tails of Cerberus, we transport!
(The fairy godmother appears in the painting, sitting in the traditional spot.)
Fairy Godmother: See me!
(Dennis stares at the painting in disbelief and rubs his eyes.)
Doug: (as Dennis) Oh, someone spiked the punch bowl again...
Cindy: She's going to help us enjoy the party.
Dennis: (looking at painting) You are?
Fairy Godmother: (abruptly appearing in the room) Certainly!
Doug and Noah: (startled yelp)
(Cindy and Dennis look toward the fairy godmother. In the living room, the other kids are positioning a bunch of chairs.)
Fairy Godmother: See, they're setting up for a game of musical chairs.
Dennis: Aw, but I don't like–
(The fairy godmother raises her wand over Cindy and Dennis.)
Noah: (as fairy godmother) Silence, mortal! You will participate!
(With a wave of her wand, the fairy godmother transports Cindy and Dennis to the game of musical chairs.)
Fairy Godmother: See? That's the way to have fun at a party!
Noah: (as fairy godmother) ISN'T IT!?
Fairy Godmother: (her wand makes the words "Join In The Games", startling Doug and Noah) Join in the games. A party calls for teamwork. Why, nobody will have any fun unless everyone joins in. So join in wholeheartedly in any game suggested, and you'll all have a lot more fun.
Doug: (as fairy godmother, as she disappears) I'll be watching you from afar!
(Everyone gets up from their seat, and one of the chairs is removed. Irish jig music plays in the background as everyone walks around the chairs.)
Doug: (as Cindy) Just do what she says!
Noah: (also as Cindy) Don't question anything!
Doug: (as Cindy) We're having fun! WE'RE HAVING FUN!
(They both make noises, which sound either like nervous laughter or whimpering. The guests all run past a table lamp as they move around the chairs. Then Dennis bumps into the lamp and almost knocks it down, but the fairy godmother reappears and catches the lamp.)
Noah: Oh, that's twenty minutes in the Cerberus pit!
(The fairy godmother looks towards Dennis and raises her index finger at him.)
Fairy Godmother: Oops! (Dennis comes over) Remember, now... (raises her wand)
Doug: (as fairy godmother) The blood of virgins makes me strong. (fairy godmother waves her wand, making the words "Don't Be Too Noisy Or Rough" appear) Oh, I mean that.
Fairy Godmother: Don't be too noisy or rough. (waves her wand again, this time making the words "Don't Break Things" appear) And don't break things.
Dennis: Gee, thanks.
Cindy: (coming up) Yeah, and you lost your chair, too. You're out of the game!
Doug: (as Cindy) Go home!
Cindy: That's what you get for bumping into things.
Fairy Godmother: Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.
Dennis: Oh, she's only kidding.
Fairy Godmother: I know, but...
(The fairy godmother waves her wand, revealing the words "Don't Tease Or Make Fun Of Others".)
Noah: Is she obsessed with the written word? What?!
Fairy Godmother: Don't tease or make fun of others, not even your very best friend. They might not understand.
Doug: (as fairy godmother) Being funny is cancerous!
Fairy Godmother: Why, if they thought you were serious, their feelings would be hurt, and then neither of you would have any fun, now, would you?
Cindy: All right, fairy godmother. (the Irish jig music plays again) Uh-oh, the music's starting! (runs off)
Dennis: What do I do?
Fairy Godmother: Why, just what you have been doing.
Noah: (as fairy godmother raises her wand) Sit in the corner and shut up!
(The fairy godmother waves her wand, revealing the words "Obey The Rules Of The Game".)
Fairy Godmother: Obey the rules of the game and...
Doug: (as fairy godmother raises her wand again) Next slide, please...
(The fairy godmother waves her wand again, revealing the words "Be A Good Loser".)
Fairy Godmother: ...be a good loser.
Fairy Godmother: (waving her hand) Bye now!
Noah: (as fairy godmother) Get away from me! (fairy godmother disappears)
(Meanwhile, the chairs have been reduced to one, with a second chair being taken away.)
Dennis: Come on, Cindy.
Girl: C'mon, Cindy!
(Now Cindy and a boy the only players left. They run around the last chair as the Irish jig music continues.)
Noah: I never understood why they took musical chairs out of the Olympics.
Doug: They got golf in there.
Noah: I'd watch.
(The music stops as Cindy and the boy both sit down in the chair together.)
Boy: No, you beat me.
Cindy: It's a tie.
Dennis: Hey, that was fun! Actually, you won.
(The fairy godmother reappears, as Doug makes a gagging sound.)
Fairy Godmother: Sure she did. (hands Cindy her wand) But here, Cindy; you show him what I whispered in your ear.
Cindy: Just as I sat down in the chair, she said...
Doug: (as Cindy) Cross me and die.
(Cindy waves the wand, making the phrase "Be A Good Winner")
Cindy: ..."Be a good winner."
Doug: (as fairy godmother, as she takes back wand) Gimme that!
Fairy Godmother: And she was! See how much fun it is when you join in the games in the right ways?
Dennis: I just hope I can remember the right ways you've shown us.
Fairy Godmother: That's easy: just remember your manners.
(She waves her wand again, making the words "Be Polite". Doug and Noah both groan.)
Noah: Oh, she's the fucking PowerPoint fairy!
Fairy Godmother: Be polite, and above all, (waves her wand one more time, revealing the words "Be Considerate Of Others") be considerate of others. So have fun together.
Girl: Come on, you guys, we've got another game!
Fairy Godmother: Have fun! (disappears)
Doug: (as fairy godmother) Mu-hu-ha-ha-ha!
Girl: Let's go, let's go!
(The group has set up strings across the room, threaded through some potatoes. Cindy and Dennis blow the potatoes along the strings.)
Noah: What the– What game is this, blow the potato across the room?!
(On a clock on the mantel, the fairy godmother watches as the minute goes around the clock.)
Doug: (as fairy godmother) Your time is running out, children! Mu-hu-ha-ha-ha!
(Now the partygoers are playing spin the bottle. The spinning bottle slows to a stop and points at one person. The others all point at this person and laugh. This one person gets up.)
Noah: Oh, and now they're playing point and mock at people!
(The fairy godmother continues to watch from the clock. Meanwhile, they are playing pin the tail on the donkey; it looks like that because Cindy is blindfolded.)
Doug: This was Cindy's last known photo.
(As the fairy godmother continues to watch from the clock, one girl comes into the room bringing a plate of ice cream and cake, one in each hand.)
Girl: Does anybody want ice cream and cake?
Everyone in room: (raising their hands) I do!
Doug: (as girl, as she goes over to Cindy and Dennis) Too bad, I only brought two plates!
Girl: (handing the plates to Cindy and Dennis) Here, Cindy. Here, Dennis.
Dennis: Thanks, Mary.
Cindy: Thanks, Mary.
Fairy Godmother: (suddenly appearing again) Here I am!
Noah: Oh, would you stop that!?
Cindy: (seeing fairy godmother about to raise wand) Wait a minute! Don't write anything! (puts cake down)
Doug: (as Cindy) Please, merciless god!
Cindy: I bet I know what you were going to tell us: remember our table manners when eating.
Fairy Godmother: Well, now you've spoiled my fun. I wanted to write it for you.
Doug: (as fairy godmother) You'll have to die!
Fairy Godmother: Now you won't think I've been any help to you.
Cindy: Oh, you've been a BIG help, fairy godmother. I've enjoyed the party, so... go ahead and write it for us if you want to.
Dennis: Sure, we want you to write it for us.
Noah: (as fairy godmother) Don't patronize me, you little snots!
Fairy Godmother: You do? May I? (waving wand, revealing the phrase "Remember Your Table Manners") Remember your table manners. You didn't really need my help. You knew it already. I guess you don't need me anymore.
Noah: (as fairy godmother) I must perform seppuku.
Fairy Godmother: I may as well be going.
Cindy: Oh, no!
Fairy Godmother: Oh, yes! You can't see or hear fairies unless you need them, and you don't need me.
Doug: (as fairy godmother) I guess the world just doesn't need party etiquette fairies.
Fairy Godmother: But you will remember... (waving wand, revealing the phrase "Leave On Time") You'll leave on time, won't you? (Cindy and Dennis both nod) And you'll remember... (waves wand again, revealing the phrase "Thank The Hostess") ...to thank the hostess?
Noah: (as the above scene happens) Oh, Jesus, is this movie made for the hearing impaired?
Cindy: And if we go to any more parties, we'll remember to be clean and neat and to be on time.
Dennis: And we'll be considerate of others, too. We'll join in the games.
Doug: (as Dennis) Just don't hurt us.
Cindy: And we'll obey the rules.
Dennis: And we'll make fun for everybody, not fun of anybody, or be too noisy or too rough.
Cindy: And we'll remember our table manners when eating.
Noah: (as Cindy) And if the cops show up, remember to flush the evidence.
Fairy Godmother: You'll always have fun, 'cause parties are fun when everybody's considerate of others. Good-bye now.
Doug: (as fairy godmother disappears) Ash nazg gimbatul!
Cindy: Don't go! Don't go! Don't go!
(Cut to Cindy in her bed; it was all a dream.)
Cindy: Don't go... Don't go...
Noah: (monotone) Shane, Shane, come back, Shane... Shane, no...
(Cindy's mom and another girl, the latter holding an envelope, walk up to Cindy's bed and gently shakes it.)
Cindy's mom: Wake up, Cindy!
Cindy: (awakening) Oh, mother, I just...
Doug: (as Cindy; screams; some other words I can't get)
Cindy's mom: Cindy, here's Mary's sister, Nancy. She just came by to tell you that she was supposed to deliver your invitation to Mary's party three days ago, but she forgot.
Noah: (as Cindy's mom) She was drunk!
Cindy's mom: (as Nancy hands the envelope to Cindy) Wasn't it nice of her to come by so early this morning to tell you about it?
Cindy: Oh, yes! Oh, thank you, thank you so much! (Nancy smiles at Cindy)
Doug: (as Nancy) Instead of saying, "You're welcome," allow me to just stare creepily at you!
(The film ends with the title card: the eagle from the beginning of the film, fronted by the message "The End - A Young America Films' Release".)
Noah: Remember, parties are about rules and conformity, not having fun and being yourself!
Doug: If you see a party etiquette fairy, notify your local priest!
|ThatGuy Riffs Transcripts|
|2010:||Boys Beware! · Casper (cartoon) · The Bully · Mr. Bungle's Lunch-Room Manners · The Snob|
|2011:||The Good Loser · Soapy the Germ Fighter · Cindy Goes to a Party|
|DVD Exclusive:||Superman (1940s Public Domain Cartoon)|
|Theatrical:||Superman: Destruction, Inc. · Mickey Mouse and The Mad Doctor|