NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. And perhaps you remember the review of the Cloverfield trailer I did last summer.
Footage from that review NC: Hahahahaha. Hilarious. Well, January 18th has finally hit, and I feel it necessary to talk about the film that I--ironically--helped promote. So, what is it that's terrifying all of New York in the middle of the night? I'll tell you what it is...a monster. Just...a monster. Not Donkey Kong, or the second coming. It's just a monster. It's not even a famous monster, like Godzilla or Rodan or anything, it's just a monster. No twists, no backstory, no surprises, just a monster. ...BULLSHIT! ALL THAT BUILD UP, ALL THIS TIME, ALL OF THAT JUST FOR A FUCKING MONSTER? SUCK MY DICK! IF I WANNA SEE MONSTERS I GO TO THE DMV TO GET MY LICENSE RENEWED! Show a picture of a very strange looking...person... NC: Oh hell, you don't care about what it is, all you wanna know is: Is it a good movie? Well let me tell you something: THIS. FILM. WAS. OKAY. Just...okay. Not good, not bad, it's just...okay. How's the monster? It's okay. How's the acting? It's okay. How are the special effects? IT'S ALL OKAY! It's like a giant, flaming, nuclear ball of adequacy! So if you like shaky cameras and monsters going "WAAH!" chances are you're gonna like Cloverfield. In fact, I could probably just reenact the movie for you right now, just using my handheld camera. In fact, that's not a bad idea, hold on.
NC grabs the camera, and the scene switches to it wildly swinging around, and him narrating frantically NC (voiceover): OH MY GOD, THERE'S A GIANT MONSTER OUTSIDE, THINGS ARE BLOWING UP AND I CAN'T HOLD THE CAMERA STILL! I WAS JUST AT A PARTY, WHERE ONLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN NEW YORK COULD SHOW UP, AND ALL THE SUDDEN ALL THIS WEIRD STUFF HAPPENS Camera finally focuses on a window, with a print out of the Cloverfield poster taped to the window NC (voiceover): OOH, LOOK OUTSIDE, SOMEONE TOOK THE HEAD OFF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY! WHOOO WOULD DO THAT? WHO WOULD DO THAT, A MONSTER! Camera zooms to some art of the monster NC (voiceover): OH MY GOD THERE IT IS, IT'S SO BIG AND HORRIBLE IT'S KIND OF HARD TO EXPLAIN WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, I GUESS YOU JUST HAVE TO PAY THE 8 BUCKS TO SEE IT IN THE MOVIE THEATER THAT'S, UH, THAT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF INGENIOUS...I THINK I'M GONNA SHAKE THE CAMERA AND SCREAM SOME MORE! Nonsensical screaming NC (voiceover): NOW I'M GONNA TAKE A MINUTE TO HAVE A DRAMATIC MOMENT. Camera switches to a different view, with NC on screen NC: Oh man...it's all gone (sobbing)...it's all gone. ...OKAY, MOMENT OVER! He gets back behind the camera NC (voiceover): SCREAMING AND RUNNING, SCREAMING AND RUNNING, AH AH! OH MY GOD THE BIG MONSTER IS ACTUALLY SPITTING OUT LITTLE MONSTERS! OH MY GOD, ONE BITES YOU AND YOUR HEAD ACTUALLY EXPLODES! ALRIGHT, ACTUALLY THAT'S PRETTY COOL Angle changes, NC is on screen again NC: OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED THE MONSTER, THEY ACTUALLY KILLED IT, THEY DESTROYED IT IN THE CITY, HALLE- OH NO WAIT, NO THEY DIDN'T AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Back to art of the monster NC (voiceover): OH MY GOD THE MONSTER IS ABOUT TO EAT ME! DON'T EAT ME MR. MONSTER! AH AH AAAH! (splorch) OH MY GOD HE SPAT ME OUT, HE SPAT- Camera shows a TV playing Lost NC (voiceover): OH MY GOD HE SPAT ME ONTO THE ISLAND FROM LOST! LOCKE, LOCKE, DID YOU SEE THE GIANT MONSTER? HE WAS SO CREEPY! HEY, IS THAT GUY FROM LORD OF THE RINGS REALLY DEAD? I LIKED THAT GUY! HE WAS COOOOL! Back to standard NC set-up NC: And that's pretty much the movie. Well...except for that last part, that may not have happened, but you get my drift. It's pretty much JUST a monster movie, nothing else. If you like monster movies, you'll probably like Cloverfield. But wait a minute! What about the title? Footage from his review, then shots to illustrate his point NC (voiceover): In my last review, I said that Cloverfield was simply the codeword for the movie and not the actual title. But then they start advertising it as Cloverfield...so what the hell?!
NC: Well according to them the "video" that documented all of this was codenamed Cloverfield so that "technically" the movie doesn't have a name. Just like I'm "technically" not going to fork over 8 more dollars to "technically" see this movie again. Screw you Mr. Abrams! You and your...adequate filmmaking. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it because it's...adequate.