NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Hey, everybody! It’s January! You know what that means! (Beat) I just made up another silly celebration! This is Schwarzenegger Month!
(The “Put that cookie down!” remix plays out as we get the Schwarzenegger Month introduction with clips of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his movies and images of him with NC’s head superimposed over his)
NC (voiceover): Good old Arnold. You’re no stranger to my reviews, are you? How can anyone not like this guy? He’s a commercial puppet, yet a personal icon. He beats the crap out of people, but has a heart of gold. He’s a horrible actor, but by God he’s trying. We all love you, Arnold, no matter how good or how bad your movies are.
NC: So I tried to figure out which movie did its best to both glorify and exploit everything Arnold has to offer. (Long pause) “Commando”!
(The title screen for “Commando” appears, and a crowd of people can be heard booing NC’s choice)
NC: All right, all right, hold on, hold on. Now, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I love this movie. To me, this is, like, the quintessential Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ever made. (Beat) But it’s stupid as hell!
(A montage of clips from “Commando” play out as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): Everything that is wonderful about Arnold and terrible about Arnold is in this movie. Every over-the-top ‘80s action cliché makes its way into this flick. It’s unbelievable! We got one-liners, we got explosions, we got the bad guys in suits, we got kidnapped children, and, of course, (speaks like Arnold) WE GOT AHNOLD! (Normal) It’s so over-the-top that it’s almost like a satire of Schwarzenegger films. It’s just fantastic!
NC: So put on your black striped makeup that doesn’t seem to camouflage anything. This is “Commando.”
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So it starts off with a garbage truck. Don’t all great movies?
Man in White: I’m afraid you’d miss me.
Cooke (Bill Duke) (as a garbage man): (pulls out a gun as well as Garbage Man #2) Don’t worry. We won’t.
(Both garbage men proceed to shoot the man in white before they nonchalantly get away on their truck)
NC (voiceover): (as Garbage Man #2) Really, Frank? That’s the best line you could come up with?
NC (voiceover): (as Cooke) Hey, shut the hell up!
NC (voiceover): (as Garbage Man #2, simultaneously) Dude, you had, like, an hour drive to think of something else to say. That’s the best you could do?
NC (voiceover): (as Cooke, simultaneously) You know what? Next time, you think of a line! I’m sick of being stereotypical all the time!
NC (voiceover): (normal) We then cut to a car dealership.
Car Dealer: (to Cooke, sitting in the driver’s seat of a new car) That’s power. That’s performance.
Cooke: You know what I like best?
Car Dealer: What’s that?
(The caption “Guess the Zinger!” appears below NC as he anxiously tries to pick the following options above him: “The Price,” “The Speed” and “The KILLER seats” as we hear clamoring of choices from the audience)
NC: (stammers) I, I, I…I, I…I-I’m gonna say “The Speed.” “The Speed.”
Cooke: The price.
NC: Damn it!
(Cooke tries to drive the new car into the car dealer, who tries to coax him to stop)
Car Dealer: Whoa! Whoa! (He ends up getting hit as Cooke drives the car through the window, killing the dealer)
NC (voiceover): We then cut to a boat on the docks.
(As a boat is taking off from the docks, Cooke uses a remote control to set off an explosion on the boat)
NC: Oh, come on, guy, you could’ve had three for three, there! How about something like, uh, “Death ahoy!” or “Happy sails!”? You’re not the henchman I remember.
NC (voiceover): Finally we cut to the forest where we meet our star (speaks like Arnold) THE BRAWNY MAN!
(Exciting action music plays as John Matrix (Schwarzenegger) carries a thick log over his shoulders as well as a chainsaw through the forest)
NC (voiceover): (as John Matrix, sings) Oh, I’m a lumberjack, and I’m OK. I sleep all night, and apparently, I wear women’s clothing. Yeah.
NC (voiceover): (normal) But he doesn’t live alone. He lives with his cute little daughter named Jenny, played by Alyssa Milano.
NC: Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! (He pulls out a boom box) I’ve always wanted to use this. (He presses the Play button on the boom box)
NC (voice on the boom box): Hello, this is the Nostalgia Critic. I realize that I missed pointing out in my Double Dragon review that the woman playing the gang leader was, in fact, Alyssa Milano. I acknowledge this obviously missed opportunity and apologize. However, if another bit occurs where Alyssa Milano is featured in a stupid movie, I have prepared this joke. (He clears his throat) Who’s the boss? I’ll tell you who. Her agent, for picking such horribly god-awful roles! The joke has concluded.
NC: Aww, well, wasn’t that nice of me?
NC (voice on the boom box): This message will self-destruct in one second.
(The boom box explodes before we cut to black; Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So as the credits roll, we find out that Arnold’s name is John Matrix.
Neo (from “The Matrix”): Whoa.
NC (voiceover): As him and his daughter Jenny do all the things that they see people do in commercials about life insurance. They tickle each other, they go running, fishing, swimming—(John and Jenny feed a small deer) Oh, God, a deer? Really? Did we just get teleported into a Disney film?
NC: When do the birds fly in and start singing “Zip-A-Dee-Fucking-Doo-Dah”?
(John and Jenny are eating ice cream cones, and Jenny deliberately puts her ice cream on John’s face to be silly before she wipes it off with a napkin)
NC (voiceover): (as John) Oh, no! I got ice cream on my face! What a spectacle. (He laughs) It’s still on my face. I shall remember this forever as Ice Cream Day!
NC (voiceover): (normal) And then they finally take a break to eat lunch together.
NC: Oh, really? Nothing else? (The following Photoshopped images of John and Jenny superimposed over the heads of certain characters are shown briefly) I thought you were gonna go run a marathon, paint the Sistine Chapel, or solve mysteries with Scooby Doo! The possibilities are just endless!
NC (voiceover): But Arnold’s general, who he used to serve under, comes up to visit and give him a warning.
Major General Franklin Kirby (James Olson): Someone’s killing your men.
John Matrix: Who is doing it?
General Kirby: You’ve made enemies all over the world, John. It could have been the Syrians, the South Americans, Russians…
NC: Movie critics.
General Kirby: They’re gonna find you.
John: We were going to make a normal life here.
General Kirby: You will. I promise.
NC: (as General Kirby) We’ll have the military send up more deer to feed.
General Kirby: And it means that Jackson and Harris will stay here with you.
John: Are they any good?
General Kirby: Real good.
NC: (as General Kirby) They just came from the academy and have only two days left until retirement.
(General Kirby flies away in his helicopter while John watches)
Jenny: Is it bad?
John: I won’t be leaving you, if that’s what you mean. (She hugs him)
NC: (as John, looking down to his right as though speaking to Jenny) I’m not moving one step away from you. (He points down to the spot where he’s at) I’m staying right here! (Beat, then points down on the same spot for every phrase that he says next) Right here…in this…exact…direct, pinpointed, non-moving, no-way-we’re-gonna-move-at-all—(points offscreen to his left and speaks quickly in a chipmunk voice) LOOK OUT!
(A shootout occurs as John carries Jenny inside the house and ducks for cover)
NC (voiceover): So Arnold goes climbing on the roof, then instructs his daughter to go to the safest spot possible: in her room under her bed! Dude, this isn’t a Boogeyman drill, these are real fucking terrorists!
(John presses buttons on a security pad to open up a storage room full of weapons and goes in to suit up)
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey! Look, a secret room! Don’t think to hide your daughter in there or anything. Just hide the possessions that matter the most to you, like your stinkin’ machine guns!
(John finds Jackson (Bob Minor) collapsing dead onto the floor before he approaches the leader of the terrorists with a machine gun)
John: Where is she?
Terrorist Leader: (sits in a chair and holds a Valentine’s Day card labeled “I love you Dad” in his hand) Mellow out, man. We can’t talk business with you waving your gun in people’s faces.
NC: Wow, that guy’s pretty inventive. He’s got to set up the black guy against the doors, he’s got to pull up a seat, wait for Arnold to come in, [and] he’s gotten up on just the right card to hold up. Give him an “A” for creativity.
Terrorist Leader: And if you want your kid back, then you better cooperate. Right?
John: Wrong. (He shoots at the terrorist leader once in the head)
NC (voiceover): (as the terrorist leader) Oh, God! Do you know how much preparation I put into that setup? You’re a friggin’ a-hole!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So they cut the wires from his truck so he’s not able to go anywhere, but does that stop Arnold? Fuck no! He actually pushes the truck off the hill and gets inside while it speeds off uncontrollably.
NC: This is sounding more like a “Jackass” stunt.
(The theme music for “Jackass” (AKA "Corona" by Minutemen) plays out as John attempts to drive his pickup truck downhill)
NC (voiceover): (as John) Okay, okay, no problem. I can still make the swerve. I just have to pray that they’re going down the hill the exact same speed that I am. (John’s truck manages to catch up with the terrorists in their cars) Ach! This is my lucky day! (John’s truck inadvertently crosses between the terrorists’ cars, missing them) Wasn’t it? (John’s truck crashes and ends up upside down)
(John gets out of the car unharmed before he’s approached by the armed terrorists)
NC: Oh, no, they got guns! What is he gonna do now?
(John proceeds to grab a gun one of the terrorists is holding and uses it as a club)
NC (voiceover): Oh, OK. Thank God they have no idea how to use those things. (John gets hit in the back with the gun from another terrorist) And neither does Arnold, for that matter! Come on, guys! What are you, cavemen? Just fire the damn things!
Terrorist: (aims his gun at John) Don’t move, motherfucker.
(Another terrorist (Bennett, played by Vernon Wells) steps in)
John: Bennett! I thought you were…
NC (voiceover): (as John) No, Canadian.
(Bennett shoots John in the stomach with a tranquilizer dart, making him pass out rather than kill him)
NC (voiceover): So they take him to the bad guy played by Dan Hedaya, who wants Arnold to assassinate the president of…
Arius (Hedaya): (whispers) Val Verde.
NC: (whispers) …Bumba-what?
Arius: (whispers) Val Verde.
NC: (whispers) Bum—
Arius: (whispers) Verde.
NC: (whispers) Buh—
Arius: (whispers) Val—
NC: (whispers) Boo—
Arius: (whispers) —de.
Arius: (whispers) Verde.
NC: Bumblebee Land. He wants him to kill the president of Bumblebee Land.
NC (voiceover): He wants Arnold to do it because apparently, the president trusts him and will allow him to get close. And if he refuses…
(Jenny is brought out, tied to a chair and her mouth covered with a piece of cloth)
Forrest Gump (from “Forrest Gump”): Jenny!
NC (voiceover): (as Jenny, who has a knife placed at her throat) Oh, Daddy, it was horrible! They were forcing me to watch Batman and Robin all day!
Arius: (to John) I will mail her to you in pieces.
NC (voiceover): So they’re gonna send him on a plane to kill the president of Bumblebee Land, or else they’re gonna kill Jenny.
Bennett: (to John) You wanna know something? When I found out I’d get my hands on you, I said I’d do it for nothing.
(John angrily goes after Bennett who gets in his limousine seat, but then is stopped by two henchmen)
Henriques (one of the henchmen, played by Charles Meshack): (grabs John) Hey, hold it.
John: I’ll be back, Bennett.
NC (voiceover): (as John) I want you to remember that line, because I will never say it again.
NC (voiceover): (normal) Now, for all the cheap lines in this movie, there’s actually two that are really good ones that I just love. The first one is this.
Sully (a bad guy working for Arius, played by David Patrick Kelly): (to John) Have some beers in Val Verde, Matrix. It’ll give everyone a little more time with your daughter.
John: You’re a funny guy, Sully. I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.
(A clip from the introduction to "CSI Miami" plays out briefly)
Henriques: Move. (He takes John onto the plane)
Sully: (waves goodbye) Hasta luego, fellas.
NC (voiceover): (as John) Yeah, well, Hasta…la vagina! Uh, wait, no, that’s terrible. Give me time on that. I’ll come up with something.
(As John goes to find his seat, we hear a low piano note in the musical score that is played repeatedly to provide suspension to the scene)
NC (voiceover): By the way, what is up with this music? Is there just a cat on the far side of a piano hitting one key repeatedly?
(NC pretends to press down on a piano key repeatedly with one finger)
NC (voiceover): (as a flight attendant speaking over the intercom as John does the following to Henriques) Good morning, everybody. This is your flight attendant speaking. I would like to remind you that there’s absolutely no knocking out of the passengers, no breaking of their necks killing them instantly, and no disguising them to appear like they’re asleep. We hope you enjoy your flight with us and have a nice day.
John: (to a flight attendant) Do me a favor. Don’t disturb my friend. He's dead tired.
NC (voiceover): (as John) Heh-heh, “dead-tired.” She doesn’t get it now, but later when she looks back, she’s going to laugh.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So he works his way down to the wheels of the plane and—(John jumps out from high above as the plane takes off, and he lands in a swamp nearby, strangely making a tiny splash) YEAH! That doesn’t look likely at all, does it? That’s a pretty small splash, too. He just jumped from an airplane, not hopped off a trampoline! So Loser Suit Larry here (Sully) tries to hit on this flight attendant but seriously strikes out.
Sully: Ah, love and careers. It’s tough. Sounds like you need a date.
Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong): Well, I don’t.
NC (voiceover): (as Sully (who follows Cindy out to the parking garage), panting like a dog) Will you go out with me? Will you go out with me? Huh? Huh? Huh? I’m just gonna stalk you home until you do.
Sully: Hey, slow down.
Cindy: Will you please leave me alone?
Sully: You fucking whore.
NC (voiceover): Now how is a nice guy like that unattached?
John: (appears with only his hand being placed on Cindy’s shoulder from behind) Don’t move.
NC: Oh, no, she’s being attacked by Thing!
John: I’m not going to hurt you.
NC (voiceover): So Arnold tells her to follow the guy’s car—who coincidentally parked right next to her—as Arnold decides to, for some reason, rip out the seat.
(Sully gets away in his car)
John: Follow him.
(Cindy pulls her car out with John sitting lower than her in the passenger seat, making him look like a child)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) That doesn’t look silly at all, does it? (as John) Mommy, I want some ice cream, some cookies, and I want it now! Now, now, now, now, now!
(Cut to later out on the highway with John now sitting up at the same eye-level as Cindy)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, why’d he rip the seat out if he’s just gonna be visible to everyone, anyway?
The Terminator (from “The Terminator”): Fuck you, asshole.
NC (voiceover): So they follow him to a mall where Arnold convinces the woman to help him out.
John: My daughter has been kidnapped. He’s the only chance I got to finding her. Tell him you’re crazy about him. Try to bring him over here, and I will do the rest.
(The musical score plays out as John and Cindy go their separate ways to carry out his plan)
NC (voiceover): Again, isn’t James Horner’s music just so subtle? They’re walking in a mall, not a dance club! Imagine if this guy did the music for “The Godfather”! That wouldn’t work like a charm, wouldn't it?
Michael Corleone (from “The Godfather”): (to Captain McCluskey) I have to go to the bathroom.
(After McCluskey gives him the OK, Michael gets up as the same music heard in the mall scene from “Commando” plays here)
NC (voiceover): But the flight attendant doesn’t trust Arnold and tells the mall cop that she’s being held against her will. (The cop looks up to see where John is; John doesn’t succeed at being completely out of sight behind a pillar; NC laughs) He’s not very good at this, is he?
Mall Cop #1: (to John) You better come with us.
(John twists the cop’s arm around before punching him to the ground; this starts a fight between him and several other mall cops)
NC (voiceover): Hey, here’s an idea: Rather than fighting the police like a maniac, why don’t you tell them what’s going on? That way, they can help you.
(Cut to Sully in a phone booth and shooting through the glass once at John; John goes over to grab at the phone booth, pick it up and throw it across the floor)
NC (voiceover): (as John) You have to call COLLECT!!! It saves you money and is so much cheaper for the other caller!
(John tries to go after Sully (who is still in the phone booth))
John: You bitch!
(John is being tackled by more mall cops before he stands to break from the tackle)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Good God! How many mall cops are there? Did we just stumble upon the Mall Cop Academy?
Mall Cop #2: (aims his gun at John) Stop, or I’ll shoot!
Cindy: (weakly yells) No!
NC: Nice read there, honey.
Cindy: (weakly yells) No!
NC: (mocks Cindy and shrugs) Nooo! (Beat) I-I mean, jeesh!
(Cut to John grabbing for a thin balloon display hung from the ceiling and swings down with it to land on top of the elevator that Sully is in)
NC (voiceover): OK, that is awesome. But honestly, I gotta ask: What are those things, anyway? I’m guessing they built the mall in Nickelodeon Studios. So Arnold gets to his car to chase the guy and—get this—the flight attendant wants to come with. Yeah, saying his daughter was kidnapped seemed a little suspicious, but knocking out a bajillion cops and swinging across the mall like Tarzan? That's sure that he was on the level.
Cindy: And I watched you rip a phone booth out of the wall! You asked me to help you find your daughter, which I very kindly do, and then, there's a cop that’s going to shoot you, and I saved you, and he starts chasing me!
NC: Good Lord, it’s like a feminine Chris Tucker! (Beat) Or a…masculine Chris Tuck—Just, just Chris Tucker.
NC (voiceover): So he chases down the bad guy in a high-speed pursuit.
(As John drives his car into Sully’s car on the side, we hear the intro music for the TV show “Speed Racer”; Sully ends up driving alongside a hill and flips over; John ends up crashing the car into a telephone pole)
John: (comforts Cindy) Are you all right?
Cindy: I think I’m dead.
John: You’re all right. (He gets out of the car) Wait for me.
NC (voiceover): (as John) If any cops drop by, tell them you’ve been drinking.
John: (carries Sully to the edge of a cliff) But what is important is gravity. (He holds Sully by the leg) Remember, Sully, I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That’s right, Matrix! You did!
John: I lied. (He lets Sully go)
NC (voiceover): (as Sully) Oh, my God, that was awesome!
Cindy: (after John returns to her) So now you don’t have a car. (John eyes Sully’s car and approaches it)
NC (voiceover): Um…did he ever hit the ground? I mean, I was expecting a “Thud!” or something. (Pauses) Is he still falling? Is it a black hole? How hard is it to put in a stinkin’ “Thud!” sound effect?!
(The scene of John dropping Sully is shown again with Sully screaming, this time cutting to a clip of Disney’s “Peter Pan” with Captain Hook expecting Wendy to splash into the water, yet no splash occurs)
Mr. Smee (from Disney’s “Peter Pan”): Captain, n-no splash.
NC (voiceover): So they drive to the Hotel 7-Up as they suspect one of the other henchmen is there. And they’re right!
(John punches Cooke to the ground before he gets back up to face John with his fists up)
Cooke: This Green Beret’s gonna kick your big ass.
John: I eat Green Berets for breakfast.
NC: (as John) I floss my teeth with the military. I comb my hair with every member of the United States Marines, and then I use them for toilet paper!
NC (voiceover): OK, remember when I said there’s two really decent one-liners in this movie? Well, here’s the other one.
Cooke: (points a gun at John) Fuck you, asshole. (He fires, but no bullets come out)
John: Fuck you, asshole.
NC: (points to the camera) No, fuck…you…ass…hole—Goddamn it!
NC (voiceover): Then, oddly enough, they crash into the next room where two people are shooting a porno. Isn’t that random? (Cooke and John continue fighting as the porno people and Cindy gasp in shock at what they see) Surprisingly, as all this is going on, all I can think about is whether or not this actually made it into the porno.
(Sexy music plays out as the fight scene plays again and NC speaks as though he were a porno announcer)
NC (voiceover): (as a deep-voiced announcer) Oh, yeah. You like watching two people doin’ it while Arnold Schwarzenegger and some black guy are fighting in the background? Our research says that at least one percent of the population does. That’s why we’re presenting “Some Like it Rough” (Accompanying fake title appears onscreen) because we know somebody gets off on this.
NC (voiceover): (Normal) So we continue Grand Theft Arnold as he steals yet another car and goes to a surplus store to get some weapons.
(Cut to John using a bulldozer to break into the store)
NC (voiceover): OK, an explanation, please?! Did he just…pull that bulldozer out of his pocket? Hell, even if there was a bulldozer right next to the store, did he just fart the keys out of his ass?
(After breaking into the store, John gets out to look around)
NC (Voiceover): Gee, he’s about as subtle as a bulldozer crashing through a—oh, wait.
(As Cindy and John collect some weapons, two policemen enter in and aim their guns at John)
Officer #1: Freeze!
Officer #2: Don’t even think about it.
NC (Voiceover): Yeah, I guess crashing heavy machinery into a place that sells armed weapons will get attention of SOMEBODY! (Pauses) By the way, why aren’t they cuffing him? Do they really think that a guy who smashed a bulldozer through a building is not an immediate threat?! But luckily, the flight attendant is there to return to your seats and trade-tables to their upright—(Cindy stands up in her car to aim a rocket launcher at the police van) KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!
(Cindy fires the rocket launcher at the van, and the van falls over to one side, allowing John to escape)
John: (gets into the car with Cindy) Where did you learn how to do that?
Cindy: I read the instructions. (She drives off)
NC: (shrugs) …Guess that is a stupid question.
NC (voiceover): So they find out where his daughter is being held as it turns out they have to fly a plane to get there. Who is gonna fly it? Why, the flight attendant, of course! Because she’s been on a plane, and…thus knows how to fly one.
Cindy: Oh, no.
John: What’s wrong?
Cindy: This isn’t a plane; this is a canoe with wings.
NC: Oh, you mean…a plane?
(Cindy successfully gets the seaplane off the ground)
Intercept Officer: (speaks over the intercom in the seaplane’s cockpit) Attention, unidentified aircraft. (Cut to the intercept officer (Bill Paxton)) You must first change course or you risk being shot down.
NC: (waves) Hi, Bill Paxton. I look forward to hating you in Twister.
Cindy: Maybe if I get us close to the water, the waves can camouflage us.
John: Go down.
NC: (has a surprised look on his face) …Huh?
John: Go down.
NC: …So that’s where those sexual harassment charges came from.
John: Do it.
NC (voiceover): So they arrive to the island where every single James Bond villain hides out as he puts on his finest Speedo to go kick some ass.
(Thrilling action music plays as John rows his raft to shore and steps onto the beach)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) This music. It doesn’t even sound like a film soundtrack anymore. It sounds like the opening to his ‘80s music video.
(As John gears up for his final confrontation, we hear NC sing to the musical score)
NC (voiceover): (sings) Arnooold! He’s got a Speedo and a ton of pecks! Arnooold! He told those fuckers that he would be back! Arnooold! Gotta get around and load it up! Arnooold! I think it’s time to go and blow shit up! Arnooold! He’s puttin’ things into things! Arnooold! And a bunch of other stuff! Arnooold! Arnooold! ARNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD!
(Inside Arius’ villa, he sits around and takes a look at his watch to check the time)
NC (voiceover): Huh. Our action sequence is ten minutes late. (A building outside the villa blows up) Oh, there it is. So somehow—don’t ask me how—Jenny gets out of a locked and bolted room with a door handle. (Beat) I don’t know; you figure it out.
(Bennett bursts into the room Jenny was just in, but sees an opening where the piece of plywood Jenny broke off with the door handle was)
Bennett: I'll kill her! (He quickly approaches it to peek outside)
NC (voiceover): (as Bennett) I’m angry, but I’m mostly confused!
(Bennett breaks through the boarded-up doorway)
NC (voiceover): And now we partake in the best part of any Arnold movie: when everyone in the entire world tries to hit this guy and not one freakin’ bullet touches him.
(Such a scene is presented)
NC: (shouts at the camera) STOP SHOOTING AT THE GROUND, YOU MORONS!
(The shootout continues)
NC (voiceover): I don’t even think Arnold’s aiming anymore. He knows that if he just points a gun at any general direction, he’ll hit something.
(NC, as John, uses his gun to shoot randomly all around him while intercutting with footage of soldiers in the movie being shot at; He even shoots himself in the head, yet instead of killing himself, it still manages to hit a soldier, and he shrugs)
NC (voiceover): Look at this, it’s an entire army, and they can’t stop this one guy. How hard is it to hit one giant Austrian man? He’s the size of a mountain. In fact, when they say you can’t hit the broad side of a mountain, this is the mountain they’re talking about! Man, nothing can defeat him! Nothing!
(The scene continues with John firing his machine gun nonstop, intercutting with clips of a plane from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” firing but ends up crashing, an army of Mûmakil from “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” entering in but then falling down as a result, and the Death Star from “Star Wars” firing its green laser but then getting blown up as a result)
NC (voiceover): So he reaches the final boss—I mean, uh, Dan Hedaya—and tries to gun him down.
(John and Arius hide behind barriers and alternately step out to shoot at each other; John eventually rolls on the floor to aim at Arius)
NC (Voiceover): (as John) Your turn.
(Arius gets shot and falls out a window)
NC (voiceover): But even that’s not the end as he has to defeat that Douche on the Barbie who recaptured his daughter. But Arnold convinces Bennett to put down his gun by playing to his inner psycho.
John: Put the knife in me and look me in the eye and see what’s going on in there when you turn it.
Bennett: (shoves Jenny aside while holding his gun at John) I don’t need the girl. (He throws the gun away) I don’t need no gun! (He pulls out a knife, ready to use it) MAY I KILL YOU NOW!!! (He runs up to John making a weird face, starting up a fight scene)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Oh, my God! Did he just orgasm?
(During their fight, Bennett opens the furnace door to hit at John, who does fall down from being hit)
NC (voiceover): (as John) Ow.
(Bennett grabs for John and struggles to stick his head into the fire; we get several silly-looking mug-shots from each of them during this scene)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) OK, this is just a competition of who can make the sillier face now.
(NC mocks their silly mug-shots; Cut to John punching Bennett, making him land with his back against an electrified door, with sparks flying everywhere and he screams)
NC (voiceover): That just made him angrier!
(John grabs a metal pipe off the wall and throws it at Bennett, impaling him in the chest; steam comes out of the pipe as he dies)
John: Let off some steam, Bennett.
NC (voiceover): (as the dying Bennett) I also would’ve accepted “I’m so steaming mad.” Oop! Good night.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So Jenny and Arnold are finally reunited, and of course, the always observant military come in just when everything wraps up.
(John walks out while carrying Jenny in his arm)
NC (voiceover): (as Jenny) You know, Dad, I think I wanna live with Mom from now on.
NC (voiceover): (Normal) And, of course, the general makes Arnold an offer to come back to the force.
General Kirby: I’d just like you to start up your unit again, John. All it would take is your coming back.
John: This was the last time.
(John and Jenny walk off together toward the seaplane as General Kirby looks on)
NC (voiceover): (as General Kirby) Uh, do you want some medical help or anything? I’m just saying, because you look beat up there, and, uh…could have some serious internal problems, uh…perhaps the girl’s scarred psyche should be attended to? My guess is this’ll traumatize her for life and perhaps if we attend to it now, uh—(The end credits start to roll as the sea plane takes off) Oh! There are the end credits. I’ll just shut up.
NC: So that was “Commando,” and it kicks ASS! (Beat) It’s ungodly stupid, but it kicks ASS!
(Clips from the movie play again as NC gives his closing summary)
NC (Voiceover): It’s like a testosterone burger wrapped in steroids. It’s just every action cliché exploited to the nth degree and simply having fun with it. It knows exactly what it is and delivers all the way with what it’s got, and I absolutely love it.
NC: (does a salute) God bless you, “Commando,” you stupid, stupid movie! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and there’s more Schwarzenegger Month on the way. (He dances in his seat briefly to the “Put that cookie down” remix before getting up to leave)
NC (voiceover): (as John, who has ice cream on his face) ICE CREEEEAAAAM!!!