Conan the BarbarianEdit
Conan the Barbarian
(We start off with a parody of the narration heard in the introduction for “Conan the Barbarian” with NC speaking like Mako and the camera panning down from the top of the film’s movie poster and revealing the head of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character replaced with that of Conan O’Brien instead)
NC (voiceover): (speaks like Mako) Before the time when Conan was known as a great warrior who battled the executive douchebags by leaving The Tonight Show so its glorious legacy could be preserved—P.S. you got balls (the caption “You Got Balls” is shown briefly)—(the fake image drops down before we get the actual movie poster with a “Ding!”) there was another Conan played by then-relative newcomer Arnold Schwarzenegger!
NC: (still as Mako) I am the Nostalgia Critic, doing a parody of the great and powerful Mako…(Cue the “I cherish Mako” running joke)…who stars alongside Arnold in these films. It is a time of high adventure, swords and sorcery, and GREAT epic silliness! This is the Conan movies!
(The title screens for the two films are shown, followed by a montage of clips from the first film)
NC (voiceover): (still as Mako) Large in scale, small in intelligence, the Conan movies were based off of the great stories written by Robert E. Howard. (Beat) But from what I understand they have almost nothing to do with these movies, so we will instead look at the films themselves!
NC: (still as Mako) They are films before one-liners, before great explosions, and before dental work could fix that great big gap in between your teeth! (A shot of Arnold revealing his teeth with said gap is shown) Prepare yourselves for phenomenal goofiness!
NC (voiceover): (resumes talking normally) OK, I’m not gonna do that impression the whole time, but we are gonna take a look at these movies, and our first film “Conan the Barbarian” starts off, oddly enough, with a Friedrich Nietzsche quote. (“That which does not kill us makes us stronger –Friedrich Nietzsche” is shown) Well, give him credit. I’m certainly gonna be telling myself that while watching this movie.
Akiro: Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis—
NC: Made that joke already. Next.
NC (voiceover): So we start off with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a little child.
Baby (from “Junior”): MAMA!!!
NC: NO! Not that child!
NC (voiceover): As his father gives him some helpful advice.
Conan’s Father: No one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. (He points to a sword he’s holding) This you can trust.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, how about if your village is attacked by savage killers who outnumber you greatly and are so blood-hungry that even their dogs are dressed up in armor? I think your trusty sword wouldn’t do much there, would it? Maybe you should’ve considered their strength in numbers strategy.
(The savage killers continue slaughtering the villagers on their horses)
Knights Who Say “Ni!” Leader (from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”): (audio) We are the knights who say…”Ni!” (Other knights from that movie are heard going “Ni!” repeatedly)
NC (voiceover): So as Conan’s father is killed and the knights play Whack-A-Villager, his smoking hot mother tries to protect him from the evil James Earl Jones.
(Conan’s Mother raises her sword and is ready to strike, but she stops to stare at Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) for a while, and he stares back; she slowly starts to drop her sword down)
NC (voiceover): (as Conan’s Mother) Well, gee, when you put it like that. (normal) So it looks like he’s gonna leave her alone and let her fight another day—PSYCHE! Heil Hitler! (Doom quickly turns to use his sword to decapitate Conan’s Mother, who is holding Conan by the hand; her body drops sideways to the snowy ground; Conan turns his head) (as Doom) Yes, I enjoyed taking a long time killing that person for no particular reason. I sure hope her son doesn’t build up a vengeful rage and dedicate his life to destroying me while also working out his gigantically large pectoral muscles. (chuckles) Knock on wood. (normal) So all the children from the village are forced into labor, which is strange, because the men and women would obviously be much stronger and more valuable, but what do I know? Maybe they work for less. And where exactly do they take these children?
Audience: (Accompanying text appears onscreen a la “Wheel of Fortune”) Wheel…of…Torture!
NC (voiceover): (as a game show announcer) Yes, Conan, you will be spending the rest of your life pushing this wheel! Years and years of tortuous mayhem will go by as you’ll be asking yourself, “Why am I pushing this wheel?” You will never get an answer to this question; however, it does seem that your muscles spontaneously quadruple in size, all from pushing this pointless but also lovely wheel! (normal) So Conan grows bigger and strong as he literally spends several decades pushing this damn thing. (Beat) Do you think he enjoys it by now? I mean, good Lord, a lifetime of doing nothing but working out? What does that do to a guy?
Arnold Schwarzenegger (from the documentary “Pumping Iron”): It’s as satisfying to me as, uh, cumming is, you know? As, uh, having sex with a woman and cumming. I am, like, uh, getting the feeling of cumming in a gym, I’m getting the feeling of cumming at home, (NC grimaces at what he’s watching) I’m getting the feeling of cumming backstage when I pump up, so I am cumming day and night. I mean, it’s terrific, right? (laughs)
NC: (grimaces, trying to find the words) …Good for you.
(The movie poster is shown again, but with a fake title that is spoken by an announcer)
NC (voiceover): (as an announcer) “Conan the Cummer…Ew.”
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): As the rest of the wheel pushers seem to disappear, somebody finally comes to get him.
(A bearded man on a horse comes up to the wheel)
NC (voiceover): (as the bearded man) No, no, I said give the children candy, not have them push a gigantic wheel in a circle continually for the rest of their lives! (beat) How…how did you even hear that?
(Conan is set free from the wheel and goes with the man, who becomes Conan’s Master)
Master: Sit here.
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) “Push wheel.”
Master: Sit here.
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) “Push wheel?” Look, all I understand is wheels. Please, do you have a wheel? May I push it? (normal) So Conan, I suppose, is bought and forced into fighting for money, and I guess all that wheel-pushing paid off, because even though he’s never had any combat training, he’s apparently a really good fighter, and he’s winning event after event.
Akiro: (narrating) He was taken to the east, a great prize. Language and writing were made available.
NC (voiceover): (as Conan, who is reading a scroll) Hmm, “How to Speak with an Austrian Accent.” This scroll is very informative. (normal) A little over time, Conan becomes angrier and angrier, and I guess his master is afraid that he might have created a monster.
Mongol General: Conan! What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
(Other warriors around him cheer in agreement)
Mongol General: That is good.
NC: (sits camera left as Mongol General) Very good, Conan. You get a gold star. (He pretends to hand something to NC Conan who sits camera right and takes the “star”) Thank you, sir. May I have a wheel now? (as Mongol General) Will you shut up about the wheel?! (NC Conan cowers in fear)
NC (voiceover): So his Master sets him free to wander aimlessly as he comes across some sort of burial site. (In the burial site, there are skeletons standing in chambers and even a skeleton king sitting on a throne) Aw, great, he’s in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Conan: (recognizes the king skeleton) Crom.
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, Crom. Crom, I suppose, is a warrior god who helped discover the invention of steel, and is also the winner of the “God with the Stupidest Name” competition! (Conan carefully takes the sword off of Crom’s skeleton) So after he grave-robs beloved Crom, he comes across a woman in the middle of the hills, as it appears she may have some information on the man who killed his family.
Witch: (whispers) One who would crush the snakes of the earth.
Conan: Snakes? Did you say snakes?
Indiana Jones (from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”): Why did it have to be snakes?
Witch: (whispers) What is it that you seek?
Conan: A symbol…part of a shield. Two snakes coming together.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (from “Pumping Iron”): Cumming in the gym, I’m getting the feeling of cumming at home…
NC: OK, knock it off!
NC (voiceover): But in order to find the treacherous villain, he needs some directions. Unfortunately, she tells him that there’s a horrible price to pay: bonking the living shit out of her. Oh, the horror!
Witch: (while having sex with Conan) Crossroads of the world. You will find what you want.
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Wow! How come more men don’t ask for directions? This is wonderful! (While they both continue having sex, the lighting changes to a dark blue, and the witch’s eyes and teeth change into something demonic) Oh, no, she’s pulling me into “Avatar”! The visuals will be stunning, but the story will be absolute bullshit!
(Conan throws the witch into the fire, and she wails and screams before escaping as a fireball-like spirit (causing some of her hanging items to fall) and leaves her dwelling to disappear into the wilderness)
NC (voiceover): ‘K. So after that, he comes across a thief named Subotai, who says he can help find James Earl Jones by traveling across the land.
(As Conan and Subotai travel across the land, we hear the triumphant theme music from “The Lord of the Rings”)
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Behold, we have reached Jerusalem! Wait, what? (normal) So they go into a few towns, get drunk, he (Conan) beats up a camel—that’s nice—and they even come across another thief who joins them on their quest.
(Valeria strikes a pose with her sword ready to fight against Conan and Subotai (who do the same thing she does))
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Ooh, I’d like to ask her for directions. (normal) They’re unfortunately captured, though, by King Osric, played by Max von Sydow. He, I suppose, has a task for them. He promises them riches if they can bring back his daughter who’s been brainwashed by James Earl Jones
King Osric: She follows him as a slave. Seeking for the truth of her soul. As if I could not give it to her. (He throws down a dagger on the left side of his throne)
NC: (as King Osric, pretends to throw down his dagger) The power of Crom compels her!
NC (voiceover): Conan dresses up in his silliest outfit and decides to fight Jones alone. He rides off into the wilderness and sets camp in some sort of Stonehenge rip-off. (We see several standing skeletons of both warriors and their horses scattered about; NC laughs) What, the horses just died with them? How the hell is that possible?
NC: (imitating Mister Ed, pretending to run) Don’t worry, Wilbur. We’ll catch those bad guys. (The sound of an arrow flying and hitting a warrior is heard, and he stops “running”) Whoa, you’re dead? Oh, okay, I’ll just stand here until starvation. (He pauses to wait before fluttering his lips like a horse)
NC (voiceover): So it turns out James Earl Jones is the head of a brainwashing cult, which is pretty much like Burning Man if everybody dressed up like Tylenol. But Conan is spotted and brought before our villain.
Doom: Steel isn’t strong, boy. Flesh is stronger. Look around you. (He points up to several cult followers up above in the cliffs) There, on the rocks, that beautiful girl. (He gestures for the young woman to come to him) Come to me, my child. (The young woman jumps and falls through a wooden stage in the ground (the Goofy yell is heard as she falls) and dies) That is power. Crucify him.
Hedley Lamarr (from “Blazing Saddles”): Too Jewish.
(Cut to Conan being crucified on the Tree of Woe)
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Forgive them, Crom. They know not what they do.
(Conan starts coughing)
NC (voiceover): (normal) Oh, and to make things worse, he’s nailed up right next to Eric Idle.
Crucified Man (from “Monty Python’s Life of Brian,” played by Eric Idle): (sings) Always look on the light side of life. (He whistles along to the melody)
NC (voiceover): But the other two thieves come to save him as they take him to see a wizard who will try to bring him back to life. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s played by Mako.
(NC does his “I cherish Mako” running gag)
NC (voiceover): So he (the Wizard) gives him a Mako-over as apparently, this is supposed to bring him back to life somehow.
(The Wizard paints symbols all over Conan’s body)
NC (voiceover): (as Akiro) Alright, what’s an eight-letter word for “An uncouth person in the Dark Ages”? It begins with “B.” (Beat) Anybody? Anybody? It begins with “B.” (normal) So Arnold Sudoku seems to work as Conan is brought back to life. But there’s still the business of getting the king’s daughter back, as they try to break into the castle and get her out.
(As Conan and the thieves ride off through the desert, we hear the same triumphant theme music from “Lord of the Rings” before we intercut with a clip from “The Princess Bride”)
Valerie (from “The Princess Bride”): (waves goodbye) Bye-bye, boys!
Miracle Max (from “The Princess Bride”): (waves goodbye) Have fun storming the castle!
NC (voiceover): They dress up in their “Commando” makeup—that still doesn’t seem to camouflage anything—as they sneak into the palace where some sort of strange orgy is going on.
(A large number of young women are on the floor as Doom slowly transforms into a snake)
NC: (is expressionless) …Well, that’s just silly.
(Doom begins to slither into the gathering of young women)
NC (voiceover): Um, does he do this often? Is Thursday night just…Snake Night? Oh, well, no time to question logic now! We got a princess to save! (Conan and the thieves fight the guards) They take her away from the palace as James Earl Jones comes to his senses. (as Doom) Guards, I told you to watch the place while I was a snake! Can’t a guy just be a snake for five minutes without something going wrong? (normal) So he (Doom) gets out his bow and—I’m totally serious here—he fires a snake at them. (Doom fires the snake at Valeria, injuring her) You know, guy, I can see a snake motif going on here, but you don’t have to use it for everything. Just use a friggin’ arrow! I mean, what, do you brush your teeth with snakes, comb your hair with snakes?
NC: God help us if he actually has a snake condom. (A fake image of a “One-Eyed Snake” condom is shown) That should be insane.
NC (voiceover): So the woman sadly dies as the rest of them get ready for the big battle. They do this by setting up the Flintstones equivalent of “Home Alone” traps.
(As Doom’s soldiers start to arrive at the battle scene, Conan speaks as though praying to the heavens)
Conan: Crom, I’ve never prayed to you before. All that matters is two stood against many. That’s what’s important. Valor pleases you, Crom.
NC: Oh, bad news for you, I’m afraid. Your prayer accidentally got intercepted by R. Crumb, the perverted cartoonist.
Robert Crumb (from “Crumb”): I was sexually attracted by Bugs Bunny, and I…I cut out this Bugs Bunny off the cover of a comic book and carried it around with me.
Conan: (continues praying) So grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!
NC: (laughs) Wow. That’s, like…the most backhanded prayer I ever heard in my life. Give me what I want, and if not, (flips off at the camera) fuck you!
NC (voiceover): Do you think he’ll just pray for everything like that from now on?
NC: (as Conan, praying with a McDonald’s Happy Meal bag beside him) Oh, Crom, please let my Happy Meal contain either Alvin, Simon or Theodore from the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” collector series, but do not put in any Chippettes. I do not like the Chippettes. God help you if there are any Chippettes in there! If there is a Chippette, then to HELL with you! (He reaches into the bag to pull out a Jeanette Miller Chippette toy; furious, he looks up skyward to yell with an echo) TO HELL WITH YOU!
NC (voiceover): So with his spear and magic helmet, he fights off all the bad guys along with his friends.
(A Doom soldier sneaks around to strike before getting injured by one of the traps)
NC (voiceover): (as Thorgrim) D’ahh! Fell for the oldest trick in the book! Hitting a helmet which I thought was you, triggering a rock, activating a spear to stab me in the chest! Damn, you’re good!
(Conan continues fighting)
NC (voiceover): He even gets help from beyond the grave, apparently.
(Valeria appears in ghost form to fight off Rexor)
Valeria: (to Conan) Do you want to live forever?
NC: (as Valeria) And by “forever,” I mean a brief cameo in the sequel?
NC (voiceover): So he wins the battle as all the bad guys flee back to the palace. They snap the princess to her senses as she agrees to show Conan how to sneak into the fortress and finally kill James Earl Jones.
Doom: (holds out a torch with both hands before his followers far below) Burn you, the way to paradise!
(Doom spreads his arms apart before he turns his head to notice Conan sneaking up behind him)
NC (voiceover): (as Doom) Uh, (clears his throat before speaking in a high squeak) Help.
Doom: My child, you have come to me, my son. Who gave you the will to live? What will your world be, without me? My son.
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Well, gee, when you put it like that, FUCK YOU!
(Conan cuts off Doom’s head with a sword and lets the body fall onto the top of the steps of the fortress before holding out Doom’s head before the crowd, who cheer for him; Conan then simply tosses the head down to the steps and lets it roll down them)
NC (voiceover): (as Doom’s head) Ow. Ow, owowowowowowowowowowowow. (normal) So I guess this somehow breaks the spell they’re all under—I didn’t even know they were under a spell—as Conan burns down the palace and builds up some hype for the sequel.
Akiro: In time, he became a king by his own hand. This story shall also be told.
NC: (as Akiro) Very poorly in “Conan the Destroyer”!
(The caption “To Be Continued…” appears below NC)
Conan the DestroyerEdit
Conan the Destroyer
(NC’s review for “Conan the Destroyer” begins with a parody of the narration that opens the film with NC speaking like Mako)
NC (voiceover): (speaks like Mako) From the director who brought you such classics as “Red Sonja” and “Doctor Doolittle” comes his most epic of unimpressively bland masterpieces: “Conan the Destroyer”!
NC: (still speaks like Mako) It sucks balls! Let’s watch it.
Narrator: Between the years when the ocean…
NC and the Audience: Seen it!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So we start off with Conan as he’s apparently replaced Subotai with a very obnoxious comedy relief.
Malak: (runs to hide under a stone table while speaking to Conan) I think we made the merchant angry. But we didn’t steal everything he had!
NC: (as Malak, making an obnoxious laugh) They got me, because Rob Schneider was off making worse movies. (He laughs obnoxiously)
NC (voiceover): But they’re suddenly surrounded by a ton of soldiers who attack him with nets and sticks…I-I don’t think that’s gonna work, guys.
(Conan ends up slashing the soldiers down with his sword)
NC (voiceover): (as one of the soldiers) Please get in our nets. We’ll be your friends.
(After all the soldiers are defeated, one of them removes her helmet to reveal her face)
Queen Taramis: You know who I am? Queen Taramis.
Conan: What do you want?
Queen Taramis: I need your help.
NC: (as Queen Taramis) That’s why I sent my men to attack you. I’m just saying “Hello.”
Conan: You have nothing that I want.
Queen Taramis: Look at the shrine. Show me the desire your deepest heart.
(Conan looks toward the shrine, to which fire comes up to magically reveal something; NC puts in an image of California as the item being revealed; instead, Conan really sees the dead body of Valeria in the fire)
NC: (misinterprets) Malaria? Her name was Malaria all this time?
NC (voiceover): Actually, it’s Valeria, and if Conan goes with the queen, she can help bring her back to life, so of course, he agrees.
(Cut to the villagers calling out Conan’s name, happy to see him)
NC (voiceover): (as the villagers) Hail Conan of Nazareth!
NC (voiceover): (normal) Oh, look, he even comes across another camel like in the first film.
Conan: (to the camel) I’m sorry about what happened last time. (The camel spits at Conan; he reacts by bonking the camel on the head, making it fall down)
NC: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, how come I get the feeling that the name of the next film’s gonna be “Conan the Camel Puncher”? (A Photoshopped image of Conan injuring a camel with the caption “DIE!!!” is shown briefly)
(Cut to inside the Queen’s palace)
Queen Tamaris: (to Conan, handing him a drink) We will drink to Dagoth, the drinking god.
NC: (as Queen Tamaris) The god of nonchalant-ness.
NC (voiceover): Alright, there’s a LOT of story they get out here, so listen closely.
Queen Tamaris: It is written in the scrolls of Skellis that a woman-child born with a certain mark must make a perilous journey. It is her destiny.
NC (voiceover): Sounds like a pretty stupid destiny.
Queen Tamaris: My niece Jehnna has such a mark. There is a key she must find, a key only she can touch.
Conan: Where is it?
Queen Tamaris: In a castle.
Queen Tamaris: By a wizard.
Conan: What does this key unlock?
Queen Tamaris: A jeweled horn. Only she can procure it.
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) So you want me to fulfill the unknown destiny of a scroll I never read by going to a castle I can’t find to lead a girl I never met to go up against a magic I cannot fathom and find a treasure I never heard of?
NC (voiceover): (as Queen Tamaris) Yep!
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Ok.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So before they head out on their quest, the Queen gives her captain of the guards some specific orders.
Queen Tamaris: What I do need you for is see that this dear child is returned safely to the palace, both the treasure and her virginity intact.
NC: (as Bombaata, the captain of the guard) I can definitely protect one of those.
Queen Tamaris: For she must be a virgin before she is returned to me, so can be appropriately sacrificed.
NC: (as Queen Tamaris) Yes, make sure absolutely nothing happens to her so I can kill her!
NC (voiceover): Speaking of which, how come gods always want virgins? Wouldn’t sluts be more accepted? They put out more, and they just have a better understanding of the human body. It’s pleasurably logical. But I digress. They set out on their quest and get through several villages to get to the castle. On their way, they come across Mako from the last movie and—(cut to the first appearance of Zula) MAY DAY! Hey, I didn’t know she was in this movie! That kicks ass! And, ironically, this situation suggests she’s in view to a kill.
Jehnna: (to Bombaata, the captain of the guard) Save her!
Bombaata: Thieves should be hanged.
(Conan breaks apart a chain that has imprisoned Zula with his sword; she smiles before resuming to fight off a group of villagers; during her fight, we see that she wears a horse’s tail above her rump)
NC (voiceover): Sooo how come she has a horse tail on her ass? Was that just the style then?
Aladdin (from Disney’s “Aladdin”): (audio, dubs over Zula riding away on her horse) Look at that, Abu! It’s not every day you see a horse with TWO rear ends!
NC (voiceover): So May Day wants to join them for saving her life. The captain tries to shoo her away, but it doesn’t seem to work.
(Zula and Bombaata fight face to face while grabbing each other on the same horse)
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) This looks arousing. I’d better join them.
Zula: I swear that if Conan let me ride with him, I will give my life for him.
Conan: We shall see.
NC (voiceover): So she joins their team as they ride to the castle they were looking for. (Cut to an exterior shot of the icy castle in the middle of a lake) Um…water is not usually the most stable spot to build a castle. I mean, seriously, who builds their castle in the middle of a swamp?
King of Swamp Castle (from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”): Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on the swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp.
NC (voiceover): We then cut to the wizard who owns the castle.
(The camera cuts to a close-up of Toth-Amon’s face; he wears a gold helmet and two golden finger-covers in his right hand)
NC: Hey, it’s the Burger King’s mutilated brother! (beat) Daniel.
NC (voiceover): So they decide to rest for the night while the evil wizard transforms himself into a hideous beast.
(Toth-Amon takes off from his castle to turn into a bird of smoke and flies to capture Jehnna and return her to his castle; during all this, we hear the beginning of the classic theme song for “Reading Rainbow”)
Singer (from “Reading Rainbow”): Butterfly in the sky / I can go twice as high / Take a look, it’s in a book / A reading rainbow.
NC (voiceover): So he captures Jehnna and holds her in a room made out of tinfoil. The others break into the castle and try to get her back.
(As the rest of the group waits outside one of the castle’s circular main rooms, Conan enters it and sees a shining jewel being displayed in the middle of the room)
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) My God! The fabulous baseball diamond!
(A transparent glass door comes down into the doorway leading into the main room, blocking the group’s way of getting inside; inside the main room, a surrounding curtain rises up to reveal mirrors with red-hooded figures in them going all around Conan; all the cloaked figures magically step out and then come together to merge as one figure)
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Golly, you’re the most thematic wizard I’ve ever met. How long did it take you to plan all this? Do you do birthday parties? (The cloaked figure lifts its hood up to reveal a monster face) Ahh! (The wizard starts attacking Conan)
NC (voiceover): (normal) So the…were-wizard tries to attack Conan as his friends watch helplessly. But Conan discovers he has to destroy the mirrors in order to destroy the wizard, which is…a little strange. I mean, if you’re the wizard, why would you want your weakness surrounding the room? It’s like Superman decorating his Fortress of Solitude with kryptonite curtains! (Such a Photoshopped image is shown)
NC (voiceover): (as Conan) I don’t need any mirrors. I know I’m perfect!
(Conan throws his sword through one last mirror, and Toth-Amon steps out to show he was stabbed in the chest with the sword)
NC (voiceover): Boy, he’s…taking that sword through his chest very well, isn’t he? I mean, I would…scream or something, but he keeps all his pain inside, and I respect that.
(Conan’s friends break through the glass door to get in)
NC (voiceover): WAIT A MINUTE! They could crash through the door the whole time?! Why didn’t they just do that before?!
NC: Were they just looking for the doorbell to be polite?
NC (voiceover): So as the journey continues, we find that the niece has quite the attraction to Conan, as she tries to see if she can get some dating tips from May Day here, because she really looks like the person who’s into girly talk.
Jehnna: (sits down next to Zula) I didn’t know women could be warriors.
NC (voiceover): (as Zula) Who said I was a woman?
Zula: All my tribe are warriors.
(Cut to the group riding together in the daytime on their horses)
Jehnna: (to Zula) How do you attract a man?
NC (voiceover): (as Zula) I spear him, gut him, and wear him.
Jehnna: What I mean is, suppose you set your heart on somebody.
Zula: Take him!
Jehnna: And take him?
Zula: Like that.
NC: (as Zula) I often use my club to bash him on the head and drag him to my cave by his hair! But that’s so yesterday, girlfriend.
NC (voiceover): But Jehnna finds she needs someone more sophisticated to talk about sex with.
Malak: In order for—for a man to really know a woman, and-and for her to know him, they have to, uh, to join.
Malak: Yes, to take his…his, uh…uh…and grab her by the…uh…and there you are. Joined. I mean, how do you think flowers grow?
NC (voiceover): The lull of sexual insight this guy has is just mind-blowing, isn’t it? Hell, I’d love to see this guy in some sort of sex talk show!
(NC pretends to be Malak on a sex talk show and answers a call; the title image for “Sex Talk with Weasley Guy” appears to his right)
Voice: (on the phone) Yeah, hi, um, I find I have trouble getting an erection at around nighttime. Uh, what would you suggest for that?
NC: (as Malak) Oh, I mean, you know, with the…the-the thing is in the…guy’s over here, woman’s over here, and the…a-and the joining and, uh, with the…big and the…”oooh” and the “ahhh” and…you know. Flowers!
NC (voiceover): So they find castle number 2 and locate the treasure the queen was talking about. But they’re greeted by some unpleasant company on their way out.
Grand Vizier: We are the keepers of the horn.
Akiro (Mako): Then you know what will happen if the horn is placed back in the forehead of Dagoth.
Grand Vizier: The god will live again. No one is able to control him.
Conan: Enough talk! (He throws his sword at the Grand Vizier’s stomach)
NC: (recoils in surprise) Low blow, guy! Conan the Crotch-Stabber!
(The throwing of the sword into the Grand Vizier’s stomach is shown again, this time with a high-pitched yell sound effect)
NC (voiceover): So they fight their way through and hide behind some sort of magic door. But Pubic-beard here (Grand Vizier) is also a wizard, as he uses his powers to open the door up.
(As the Grand Vizier magically lifts the door up, Conan’s group tries to hide out of sight in a secret room, except for Malak)
Conan: Malak! (Malak goes over to the group to hide with them)
(The Grand Vizier shakes his fists before flicks his hands forward to send his guardians through the opened door; we hear two “Dings!” during the Grand Vizier’s hand movements)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Wait a minute, did his magic make a dinging sound?
(Cut to the Grand Vizier making a hand motion and making two “Ding” sounds to motion his guards to stop what they’re doing and move aside for him)
NC (voiceover): Aw, man. He must have been the laughingstock at Hogwarts, don’t you think?
NC Magician #1: My magic uses lightning! (He uses his hand to produce blue lightning from it)
NC Magician #2: My magic produces fire! (He makes a fiery explosion on his desk)
NC Magician #3 (presumably the Grand Vizier): My magic goes… (He spreads his hand apart to make a “Ding” sound)
(NC Magician #1 raises an eyebrow in puzzlement as NC Magician #3 continues demonstrating and waving his fingers at him with quick “Dings!” before he is struck down by blue lightning)
NC (voiceover): Luckily, Mako uses his own magic to show the wizard the most frightening image he can conjure up.
(Akiro holds out a fist toward the Grand Vizier while conjuring up his magic; eventually, we see a very quick image of the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” movie poster before the Grand Vizier reacts in pain at the sight and covers his eyes before the door to the secret room closes over Conan’s group)
NC (voiceover): So the captain gets our heroes the slip as he rides off with Jehnna.
Jehnna: (after getting on a horse) Where are the others?
Bombaata: They’re coming. Don’t worry. (He slaps the hind leg of Jehnna’s horse to make it go) Go.
NC (voiceover): (as Jehnna) Oh, OK. Thank God I’m an idiot.
NC (voiceover): (Normal) So they arrive at the castle as our heroes are not far behind.
Queen Tamaris: (to Jehnna, who approaches her) Today’s your birthday. All of Shadizar is celebrating. (She holds out a drink to Jehnna) Drink.
NC: (as Queen Tamaris, pretending to make a toast) To death—I mean, killing you—I mean life—I mean…killing you.
NC (voiceover): But the fearsome five break into the castle where they come across the captain, who plans to stop them from thwarting Jehnna’s sacrifice.
(At the ceremony, the Grand Vizier picks up a dagger and tilts Jehnna’s head back to expose her neck)
NC (voiceover): (as Jehnna) So what’s my birthday gift?
(Conan is briefly shown fighting the captain)
NC (voiceover): (as Jehnna) Is it a pony?
(Another brief cut to the fight scene)
NC (Voiceover): (as Jehnna) Is it a dagger and a pony?
(Conan ducks and hurls the captain’s body over his own)
NC (voiceover): (as Jehnna while the dagger is still being raised) Is it you stabbing me in the throat so you can resurrect a god in order to control him and hopefully rule the world? (Beat) And a pony?
Conan: (to the others) Save the girl!
NC (voiceover): (as the others) Oh yeah! I guess we have been standing here the whole time! I was confused ‘cause I thought there was an easily breakable piece of glass in front of us—see, that’s the only thing that can hold us back.
(From up above, Zula throws her spear into the Grand Vizier’s chest)
NC (voiceover): So because she’s (Jehnna) not being sacrificed, the statue (of Dagoth) is instead transformed into—(The demonic monster version of Dagoth appears; NC laughs at this) OK, I think James Earl Jones’ snake scene just got out-sillied.
(Another shot of the Dagoth monster roaring is shown)
NC (voiceover): It looks like one of those Rankin/Bass stop-motion figures and it was shit out by Swamp Thing. (Dagoth knocks Conan down) But our comic weasel is nice enough to throw a dagger into his eye. Boy, I feel a little weird saying this, but…Conan is literally fighting a one-eyed, one-horned giant Purple People Eater. You know what? It sure looks strange to me. (Conan removes the horn from the monster) So Conan kills the creature as he delivers the final blow. And if you can believe it, Weasel Man here actually tries to take credit for the victory.
(Malak stands over the dead Dagoth with one foot on it and beams with pride)
NC (voiceover): (as an announcer) DOUCHE! (Accompanying text is shown)
(Cut to later in the throne room as our heroes approach Jehnna, who is now crowned as queen)
(Zula approaches Jehnna; we see that she wears a helmet with pony-tailed hairs on either side of her head)
NC (voiceover): (laughs as he speaks) What is that?
Jehnna: I need a captain of the guards. I see no reason why a woman wouldn’t do as well as a man.
NC: (as Jehnna) You shall be called Punky Brewster the Brave.
Jehnna: The world’s greatest wizard, come forward, please?
(Akiro approaches before her)
NC (voiceover): (as Jehnna) Not you, I said “The world’s greatest wizard.”
NC: (as Jehnna) Just kidding! (He does his “I cherish Mako” running gag)
Jehnna: One cannot rule without wisdom.
(Conan approaches next)
Jehnna: Rule Shadizar with me.
NC: (as Jehnna) I need a royal cherry popper, and you more than qualify.
Conan: I will have my own kingdom, my own queen.
NC: (as Conan, who gestures grandly to his left) I will own the beautiful land of…California.
Jimmy (from “The Wizard”): California.
NC: (looks off camera right) Shh.
NC (voiceover): So Conan rides off to find his own kingdom, and thus, we get an ending pretty much identical to the first one.
Narrator: Until at last, he found his own kingdom, and wore his crown upon a troubled brow.
(“…But that is another story.” appears before the film ends)
NC: (as the Narrator) Another story that I will not tell! Because I am dead, Schwarzenegger is in California, and this franchise is nonexistent.
(Clips from both “Conan” movies play out as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): So those are the “Conan” movies. How do they measure up? Well, the second one is just crap. Once in a while, there’s something interesting, but for the most part, it’s just boring. The first one, however, I gotta admit it’s sort of a guilty pleasure for me. I mean, again, it’s stupid, but it’s so epically stupid. The characters are memorable, the cinematography’s great, and the music is some of the best I’ve ever heard in a long time. It’s kind of hard not to enjoy it. Now, granted, I’ve never read the original stories, and from what I hear, the movie doesn’t do them any justice, but I still like the first one for its corniness, for its grand scale, and for its over-the-top execution. Is it bad? Sure, but it’s a very enjoyable kind of bad. And if you’re an Arnold fan, you’ll definitely check it out.
NC: (as the Narrator) But how will Conan match up against the armies of darkness, Satan himself in the “End of Days”? That…is another story. (“This story shall also be told…” appears below NC; he mentions on a side note with his hand against his mouth) I’m betting he wins.