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Dominic: So, I went to the very first video game convention in Miami simply known as Infinite Bits. Now, in Infinite Bits, all sorts of people show up. Fans, celebrities, you name it. Sometimes, even video game characters show up as well! And not just video game characters but also their very close friends. So I invited a lot of them to come in and talk about their inner demons. And, uhm… Well, take a look.

Fred West: All I ever told anyone was that I… I was professional, I… *sigh* The honest to God truth is… I never really covered any wars. I never really… I was never published in anything major. I mean, I did a couple of Hustler shoots.

Pyro: *Says incomprehensible dialogue*

Sniper: Yeah, it’s really tough being married to a Pyro.

Pyro: *Says more incomprehensible dialogue*

Sniper: Four houses. We lost four houses.

Pyro: *Says even more incomprehensible dialogue*

Sniper: There wasn’t even a reason.

Fred West: Maybe something that got published in National Geographic once.

Green Ranger: *mumbling with helmet on*

Dominic: What? What? I… I can’t understand you!

Green Ranger: *keeps mumbling*

Dominic: I ca--- Will you take that damn thing off?!

Green Ranger: *takes off helmet* In the nineties, I was on top of the world. Everyone was buying my stuff. I mean… All the Power Ranger toys, and all the merchandise, the Zords. Finally, Nintendo released a video game of the Power Rangers. *grabs game* To this day, it still seems to be the best Power Rangers game there is. Except, I’m not in it.

Sniper: I can’t even smoke anymore!

Pyro: *Says, you guessed it, more incomprehensible dialogue*

Sniper: *looks at Pyro* What have you given up for me?!

Green Ranger: The only time I was ever in a video game was in the Sega game. *holding game* And this is … This game is just…

Little Mac: Uh, the… The way they come up with nicknames in the Punch Out League is they actually, uh… i-it’s based on favors. Bald Bull came in. Peter Stravinsky. He was a great guy. But, uhm… The reason they called him Bald Bull wasn’t because he was bald on his head. It’s because he’s bald on his balls. And I know that because my nickname, Little Mac, comes from the fact that he raped the shit outta me.

Hunter T. Hunter: I tell ya, man. All I wanted for dinner that day… Didn’t want chicken, I didn’t want steak. I wanted DUCK! Just a nice, simple duck.

Green Ranger: All four Ninja Turtles are in their games!

Hunter T. Hunter: *Pretending to shoot a shotgun* Bam! Dammit, I missed. Bam! Where the hell is that duck?!

Green Ranger: *Holding up Sega game* I’m not even on the cover of this!

Hunter T. Hunter: Bam! Where the hell is that duck?!? Bam! Bam! Bam!

Green Ranger: I’m the Green Ranger, bitch!

Little Mac: I mean, I’m… I’m 3’5”, and Bald Bull’s what? 10’13”?

Fred West: My mother was undressing in front of me and, and, and… She was undressing in front of my father, and he… he was hitting her! It was… It was horrible, but I… I couldn’t help it. I just had to take a picture of it.

Hunter T. Hunter: I could shoot all the plates before, but I can’t catch a damn duck!

Sniper: I don’t even know, like… *looks at Pyro* Are you a girl or a boy?

Pyro: *do I even have to type it?*

Sniper: …Huh.

Hunter T. Hunter: Dog’s laughing at me all the time!

Friend of Kirby: *looks like Nostalgia Critic* So, I was out having dinner with my best friend Kirby, and he ordered a lot of food. I was just staring at him, eating it. And I was like, “How do you keep that all down? How do you not gain a lot of weight?” And he wouldn’t say! All of the sudden, a few hours later, he tells me “I have to go to the bathroom.” I’m there, waiting. Five minutes later, he comes back. And I was like, “What happened?” He just looks at me. “Nothing, just stomach ache.”

Ex-Friend of Green Ranger: I heard that Green Ranger came in here complaining he wasn’t in any of the games after the first one? Wanna know why? I’m the reason why. I was sitting outside Gordy’s Juice Bar one day and… Monster attack! Oh no! Like it always happens… And here comes the Dragon Zord swaying all which way and that way, knocking buildings down. You know, he crushed my mom. Never once did I get an apology. N-Not a thing… You know, a “sorry we crushed your mom,” no flowers, didn’t even show up at the funeral!

Green Ranger: *cell rings* Oh, sorry. I gotta take this. *answers phone* What, Kimberly?!

Good Friend of Mega Man: I’m good friends with Mega Man. Uh, what you guys might not know… He has a bit of a night life.

Green Ranger: *to phone* You crashed the Dragon Zord?! …I don’t have insurance on that! What…?

Good Friend of Mega Man: “Hey, man, I just had ten E-Tanks! And, I-I… I’m just tweaked, man! Let’s go to a rave!” So, I figure “Alright, you know, I don’t have work in the morning!” Screw it, we go to the rave…

Green Ranger: *to phone* I will punch you in the fucking soul!!!

Good Friend of Mega Man: And I look over at Mega Man and… and he’s like cycling through his colors really fast, really fast! And I’m like “What the fuck? He’s gonna give everyone a seizure! And… And, uh… Yeah, everyone there had a seizure.

Little Mac: Politics between the fighters, I guess… You know, Piston Honda, I guess, their nicknames… He got his because he was pissed on on his Honda.

Good Friend of Mega Man: Maybe he hit up Crack Man and he, uh… He shoots up with Needle Man…

Fred West: *holding a camera* This doesn’t even have a battery in it! I don’t have a memory card…

Good Friend of Mega Man: Like, I don’t know, uh… Dildo Man, Booze Man, I don’t know what the hell…

Mr. Game and Watch: *beeps heard as subtitles appear* It’s not easy having people look at you all the time… The constant screams and yells you hear from “every day people” are hard to get used to. But I guess you should expect that when you’re a nudist.

Nintendo Rehabilitation Clinic Worker: Working at the Nintendo Rehabilitation Clinic is very rewarding. You get to help a lot of the characters who’ve fallen astray. I remember one of my ca—One of the cases I worked on was Glover. Uh, he was a very bad heroin addict. And he fell so low that he had to give out handjobs out on the corner just to make ends meet.

Dominic: *to Little Mac* Have you ever thought about maybe going to other fighting games? Like, uh, like Street Fighter for example.

Little Mac: Fuck those guys. You know, those… those guys are cheaters. They tried to come into the Punch Out League and you know, they said, “Look at us, we can do… We can do fireballs, we can shoot shit out of our feet and fingers!”

Mr. Game and Watch: It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?!?!?! Nobody would have a problem with a WHITE pixilated dick-nose!

Nintendo Rehabilitation Clinic Worker: Donkey Kong was another one. He’d become such an alcoholic. He… He one time stole a truck full of kegs, he climbed to the top of a building, and just drank every single one of them. It was just a sad, sad sight. Then he went into a fit of drunken rage and started throwing the kegs off the building onto innocent bystanders below.

Little Mac: So, if… If I tried to come into the Street Fighter circuit, you know, if I tried to go into their little pretentious tournament, it would be like “What can you do, Mr. Boxing Man? Do you have some kind of a rising, slicing dick-fart move? Or-Or some flatulating ball sack throwing move?” And I would just say, “No, you know, I don’t. Because all I do is punch.”

Dominic: You see a lot of strange things as a bartender. You see a lot of strange things at the Pixel Palace. So, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Pixel Palace… And Infinite Bits. That place is fucked up.


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