Cool as Ice
September 29, 2009
NC: (starts laughing and continuously does so as he speaks) It’s so…It’s the stupidest… I can’t… (Calms himself, but then laughs again) Just show it, just show it.
(The title screen for “Cool as Ice” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): (laughs continuously) This is stup—…with the thing and the hair…I mean, it’s the most…
NC: (continues laughing until he finally clears his throat to speak) So let’s dive right in.
NC (voiceover): Vanilla Ice, the first rapper to make Zack Morris look threatening (an image of Zach Morris from “Saved by the Bell” is shown briefly), was at the top of his game in the late ‘80s [and] early ‘90s, so Hollywood couldn’t help but try and cash in on his 15 minutes of shame by making him the star of his motion picture “Cool as Ice.” So let’s see how this melting pit of ass begins.
Singer (Naomi Campbell): Whoo!
NC: (recoils in surprise) Wah!
(The credit “Vanilla Ice” is shown onscreen; it fills up the whole screen)
NC: (recoils in surprise) Wah!
(A dance sequence in front of a blinding white light is shown)
NC (voiceover): Oh, dear, we’re in trouble. (More dancing is shown) Yeah, I can tell this is gonna be a very story-driven movie. (Vanilla Ice makes his appearance) There’s his whiteness. Why does he have a Post-It on the side of his head?
Vanilla Ice: (raps in addition to dancing) It doesn’t take a lot of time for me to climb, and when I'm going for mine, I'm like a monkey on a vine. Goin' up…
NC (voiceover): It’s the latest dance move, the Raggedy Ann Seizure.
Vanilla Ice: (raps as the film does jump cuts on each of his phrases) Turn the party out in my opinion. Witty words make the world my dominion…
NC (voiceover): Boy, you gotta just love the creative editing.
Vanilla Ice: (raps) I get off if a beat is funky, I'm not Sleepy, Dopey…
NC: (sarcastic) Gee! I wonder who’s gonna be in the next shot?
NC (voiceover): Oh, it’s Ice again! What a shocker.
NC: I haven’t been this surprised since I found out the next person to be on the cover of Oprah’s magazine was Oprah! (Three covers for the “Oprah!” magazine are shown briefly)
Singer: Gotta hold onto this feeling, gotta let your body move… (The credit “Special Appearance by Naomi Campbell” is shown)
NC (voiceover): Oh, uh-huh. “Special Appearance.” Is that business talk for “you kidnapped her”?
(The dance sequence ends with the singer going “Whoo!”)
NC (voiceover): So after that blast from the ass, our movie finally begins in… (The camera goes across a warehouse’s catwalk that has swinging light bulbs hanging way low from the ceiling) a haunted house.
Woman: (to Johnny (Vanilla Ice)) Wait up.
(Johnny turns for us to see his haircut)
NC: (laughs) Look at his hair.
NC (voiceover): It looks like a level from “Super Mario Brothers.”
Three Posse Men: Awww!
(The woman writes her name “Monique” and phone number on a piece of paper before bending down below camera where Johnny is standing and raising his arms)
NC: Hey, now!
(The woman bends back up)
NC (voiceover): Oh.
NC: (does the watching motion with his hand) I’m watching you, PG movie.
NC (voiceover): So him and his posse get on their motorbikes and ride off to try and find the plot.
(The group drives through a desert at night)
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) Aw, man, we’re in the desert. I’d better be careful or else I’m gonna melt. ‘Cause I’m Ice! (Cut to the next day and one of Johnny’s posse pointing off in a direction)
NC (voiceover): Over there, man! There’s a real good spot to rip off “Top Gun”!
(Johnny drives alongside the white fence opposite a young woman named Kathy Winslow, who is riding alongside the fence on her horse; Johnny jumps over the fence and lands in front of the horse, scaring it and causing Kathy to fall off)
NC: Wow. (beat) What an Ice-hole.
Johnny: (to Kathy) Hey, you OK? (Kathy punches him in the stomach) Damn! What’s the hell’s wrong with you?
Kathy: What the hell’s wrong with you?
Johnny: Nothin’ ‘til now.
Kathy: Aww, what, I hurt you?
Johnny: Yeah, you hit pretty good for a girl!
Kathy: (gets back on her horse) Yeah? Well, coming from a big macho biker like yourself, I’ll take that as a compliment.
NC: (switches sides while in his seat as though mocking Johnny and Kathy arguing) Poopyhead! Jerk! Skank! I love you.
NC (voiceover): So while they drive through the…trees on loan from the Mushroom Kingdom, one of the guy’s bikes breaks down, and it has to be repaired. So while looking for a place to get it fixed, they get a not-so-nice welcome.
(Citizens in a neighborhood (including two boy scouts, an old man and a man riding his lawnmower) stare in wonder as the camera pans past them)
NC: (speaks like a snotty British person and is having tea) By jove! Who allowed those raving rapscallions into our neighborhood? (He laughs and takes a sip of his tea)
NC (voiceover): So they stop by…Brain Fuck Central where a silly old lady and one of the crazy guys from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” offers to fix their bike. That is, after a rather goofy misunderstanding!
Roscoe (Sydney Lassick): You’re late! What happened to you? You said you’d be here an hour ago! And you call this thing prime? (NC does a brief goofy jig in his seat as the dialogue continues) My god, I wouldn't even give you 500 [dollars] for it. Oh, Mae! Mae! Mae! Haggle with them, damn it!
Mae: Get real, Roscoe! This bike is worth more than our house.
Roscoe: (to Johnny) If you ever do want somebody to work on it, why don’t you give us a call? We’re the best around.
Johnny: Y’all can fix these?
NC: (as Johnny) The spatula on my head approves of this situation.
(Cut to the gang sitting inside Roscoe and Mae’s abstract house; so abstract, that it has giant salt and pepper shakers, text covering the entire wall, and mandolin-shaped chairs)
NC (voiceover): So the gang sits around for a bit while—OK, what is up with this place? That old couple lives here? It’s like if Flavor Flav redesigned Pee-Wee’s Playhouse!
(Cut to a posse member making a sandwich with green peppers, sardines, a pineapple slice, and mustard before biting into it)
NC (voiceover): Oh, that’s nice. You’re making Weird Al’s food look like gourmet cooking.
George (from “UHF,” played by Weird Al Yankovic): A Twinkie wiener sandwich!
NC (voiceover): So while Ice does his…Ice Chi, he notices the girl from the horse earlier as she coincidentally happens to live next door.
(Kathy and Nick (her boyfriend) walk up to the front porch of her house)
Nick: Come on, Kathy. We both know what’s gonna happen. Couples always break up when they go away to different colleges. I mean, if that’s what you want...
Kathy: I didn’t say that.
Nick: [I’m] sure there’s a couple girls that are gonna be glad to hear it.
Kathy: Oh, I’m sure there are.
NC: Hmm, the White-O-Meter is certainly up there, but there has to be something else to make this scene even whiter.
Johnny: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
NC (voiceover): There we go!
Nick: What the hell is that?
Kathy: Don’t ask me.
Johnny: So what’s up? How you doin’?
(The White-O-Meter appears below NC on a scale, starting with White, Very White, Albino, Conan O’Brien, and Invisible; the mark to indicate the meter’s level is the face of Vanilla Ice; the mark is currently a little past Conan O’Brien level)
NC: My God, these ratings are high! I haven’t seen a rapper this white since Funky T. Snowman!
(An image of a cartoon snowman dressed up as a gangster and the words “I Melt in Your Mouth!” on its chest is shown)
NC: Continue to blow us away, Ice! Continue to blow us away!
Nick: Wait a minute. You two know each other?
Johnny: Oh, yeah.
Nick: Well, which is it, Kathy?
Johnny: Kathy. (He nods, liking the name) Mmm-hmm. Kat.
Kathy: (to Nick) Come on. We’re wasting his time.
Johnny: Oh, no, you’re not wasting my time. I’m just coolin’.
NC: (as Johnny) You know, ‘cause I’m ICE!
Johnny: Oh, yeah, Kat! Words of wisdom: “Drop that zero and get with a hero.”
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny, who leaves the scene) Yeah, I got that off the Disney Channel.
Nick: What was that all about?
Kathy: Forget him. I already have.
NC (voiceover): (as Kathy) And so will the rest of the world in six months.
(Cut to the inside of Kathy’s house where she greets her father, her mother comes to hug Nick, and they all stand together; all this is shown at a fast pace)
(Kathy starts setting the dinner table at a fast pace)
NC (voiceover): Did the movie just decide to fast forward? I mean, I’m very grateful, but…I’m also very confused. (Much more fast-paced action is shown, including Kathy dancing, her brother dancing in front of a TV, and the father lifting a newspaper he’s reading up and down) God, somebody save me! (Kathy offers her father a drink, also in fast pace)
NC: It’s like a demented version of the cleaning the room scene from Mary Poppins!
(The climax of the nursery cleaning scene from “Mary Poppins” intercuts with the fast-paced action in “Cool as Ice”)
Mary Poppins (from “Mary Poppins”): When you’ve quite finished! (The fast-paced action finally stops) Thank you.
NC (voiceover): So…yeah! The real movie comes back again, and apparently Kathy’s family is very happy to see that she’s on TV for…riding a horse! (beat) This must be a very boring neighborhood!
Jazz (one of Johnny’s posse): Yo, she’s on!
Johnny: Yo-yo, man! Chill-chill-chill.
Kathy: (in an interview on TV) Um, anyone can be whatever they want to be as long as they’re willing to work. And, um…that’s all I’ve been doing.
NC: (as Johnny, places a hand on his heart) Aw, man, she’s melting my heart. ‘Cause it’s made of ICE!
NC (voiceover): (Normal) Meanwhile, at Andy Warhol’s Fix-It shop, we find out that the fixing of the bike might take a little longer than they thought.
Roscoe: It’s right here, right before your eyes. Don’t you see it? (He gestures to where the camera pans down to Jazz’s bike laid out neatly in pieces)
Johnny: That’s his bike? Can you put it…back together with quickness?
Princess (another posse member): When will that be?
Roscoe: Maybe tomorrow.
Entire Gang: Tomorrow?!
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) Aw, come on, man! We got time we could be wastin’! (Normal) But it’s OK. It just gives our walking crossword puzzle a ton more time to flirt with Kat.
(Johnny goes up to the front door to bang on it once with his fist; the door opens)
Johnny: Hey, yo, what’s up, man?
NC (voiceover): (as Kathy’s Mother) Oh, ho! You must be one of those imitation black people I’ve heard about.
Johnny: Yeah, I’m looking for Kat.
Kathy’s Mother: I-I’m sorry, but Kathy’s not here right now.
Johnny: I don’t suppose you know where she is?
Kathy’s Mother: No, I’m sorry, I don’t—
Tommy (Kathy’s little brother): (interrupts) I do.
Kathy’s Mother: Tommy!
Tommy: The Sugar Shack.
NC: There’s a club called Sugar Shack? I think most candy stores would be embarrassed to have that name!
Johnny: It was, uh, very pleasant meeting you. (He starts to leave but then turns back quickly) Ma’am. (He finally leaves)
NC (voiceover): (as Kathy’s Mother) Remember, honey. Whenever you see someone like that, just run straight home and watch “Shaft,” OK? (Normal) So they go to the… (sighs) Sugar Shack, where they see their musical entertainment is nothing to get too excited about.
Bad SInger: Oh, let’s start chasin’!
NC: Wow! You must’ve had to set the musical bar pretty low to make Vanilla Ice look good.
NC (voiceover): But Max Headache (Johnny) comes in to put his stamp on the situation.
(The movie cuts back and forth a bit between Johnny and Kathy eyeing each other before we see Johnny disappear after a person walk past him)
NC: WHOA! It’s…Ninja Ice! (The shot of Johnny disappearing from sight is shown again)
NC (voiceover): (whispers) Chi-chi-chi!
(Johnny comes up to pull the plug from the musical entertainment, and the crowd notices)
Johnny: (speaks into the microphone) Yup-yup. (New music signifies the beginning of his rap))
NC: Oh, dear. Let’s get the White-O-Meter out again.
(The White-O-Meter appears below the screen as Johnny begins to rap; the marker starts off at the very left past “White”)
Johnny: (raps) Drop it. (A man drops his glass, and it shatters to the floor; the Meter’s marker moves right to shift around “Very White” and “Albino”; on a few record scratches in the rap, the marker moves to the beat of them at “Invisible” before shifting back to the left) Aw, yeah. I’m gonna drop some funky lyrics. (The marker immediately goes to the very right past “Invisible” and dings repeatedly before settling into that spot) Dirty words ‘cause you’re a nerd. I’m first to third, it’s absurd to think that you’ve heard... NC: Sweet candy-coated Jesus!
NC (voiceover): Wonder Bread eaten by a conservative congressman in the middle of a snowstorm isn’t this white!
Johnny: (raps while swaying his hips side to side) I wanna make you…
NC (voiceover): Oh, dig those dance steps. I think they call that the “Two Year Old Who Has to Pee” move.
Johnny: (raps) …sent you. Baby, that’s sweet. (He approaches Kathy)
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) Care to be lame with me?
(Johnny takes Kathy out to the middle of the dance floor)
Johnny: (raps) Don’t look back, whack. Go take a nap. Get off the crack, Jack.
NC (voiceover): So…is this their job? Just hijacking parties and making them even crummier than they need to be?
Johnny: (finishes his rapping as the audience claps) I’m the People’s Choice. (He sweeps Kathy into his arms)
NC (voiceover): (as Kathy) Oooh! I find you charming now for no reason. (Normal) But Lord Prep Douche (Nick) is not the least bit pleased with this situation.
Nick: (to Kathy outside) I’m willing forgive you for this. (He waits for Kathy to speak, but she says nothing) Hey, I said I’m willing to forgive you for this. OK? (He pauses to let her speak, but she still says nothing) Let’s forgot.
NC (voiceover): (as Nick) I’m glad I had this talk.
Kathy: You know something, Nick? You feel you really are a dick. (She walks off to leave the scene)
Nick: Get in the car, Kathy. I said get in the car, Kathy! Hey! (He bangs the car with one hand to get her attention) I’m talkin’ to you!
NC: (as Nick) Don’t make me pout!
NC (voiceover): So Kathy decides to walk home but sees a couple of bad men who are apparently tracking her. (The car approaches Kathy slowly from behind) Not so subtle-ly.
NC: (as Kathy) Gee, I wonder if that car that’s only three feet away is…following me!
(The car approaches faster until Johnny zips by on his motorbike to stop between Kathy and the car; we start to hear the intro music for the Adam West “Batman” TV series)
Johnny: Come on, get on! Hurry up, get on! (He forces her to get on his bike as he drives off away from the car, even while doing a wheelie)
NC (voiceover): (as background singers) Ice-man!
Bad Guy #1: (in the car) What was that?
NC: I don’t know, but it was cool as ice!
NC (voiceover): So Ice drops her back home after saving her from the very slow-moving vehicle.
Johnny: So what’s up with tomorrow?
Kathy: I don’t know, man. (mocks Johnny) So what’s up with tomorrow?
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) Don’t mock me. I’m gonna last forever!
Johnny: What are we doin’?
Kathy: I’m waiting.
NC (voiceover): So Ice returns back to the funky house where Kathy’s boyfriend seems to be causing trouble.
Nick: (to Johnny) Little band practice on your bike.
Johnny: Not mine. It’s Sir D.’s.
Nick: Who’s Sir D.?
Johnny: My home boy.
NC (voiceover): If this scene was any more white, it’d be transparent.
Nick: Home boy this! (He swings a bat at Johnny, who ducks)
(A fight ensues as we hear the last bit of the intro song for the Adam West “Batman” TV series)
NC (voiceover): (sings) Ice-Man! (NC’s drawing of the Batman logo with Vanilla Ice’s face and the word “Iceman” on it is shown)
NC (voiceover): So the next morning, Ice actually breaks into Kathy’s home and—I’m not kidding here—actually wakes her up with ice.
NC: Good Lord. I’d hate to see Dick Butkus’ wake-up call.
Johnny: You’re seeing me now.
Kathy: (speaks softly) Well, I’m seeing you, too. (She clears her throat and smiles at him; Johnny smiles back)
NC (voiceover): You know, I’m not for the object-tation of women, but the only thing that can possibly save this movie is a nude scene. I mean, at least we could go for just flat-out smut and entertain somebo—(Kathy starts to undo her shirt) Oh, hey! I got my wish.
(NC leans toward the camera with an excited grin)
Tommy: (enters the room) Kathy, mom says…
Kathy: (buttons her shirt quickly) Tommy, get outta here!
NC: FUCK YOU, KID!
NC (voiceover): So Ice and Kathy drive together to the most romantic spot they can think of: a construction site.
Johnny: Alright, so how long have you lived here?
Kathy: Mmm, all my life. Why?
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) You like my shorts? I got them from the Hamburgler.
Johnny: What’s it like?
Kathy: What do you mean, “What’s it like?”?
Johnny: You know, having talents and all that stuff. A brother. All that stuff, you know.
Kathy: It’s nice.
(Cut to Johnny and Kathy frolicking about in the construction site)
NC (voiceover): Oh! ‘K, we suddenly got ambushed by a Calvin Klein ad. (The frolic continues) Why is it I get the feeling this is what black people think white people do all day? (Cut to the two sitting together to talk again) And we’re back to talking again.
Kathy: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with working hard.
Johnny: Imagine that.
(Cut to Johnny and Kathy frolicking around some more)
NC (voiceover): OK, we’re back to frolicking…
(Cut back to the two talking)
Kathy: So what’s important to you?
NC (voiceover): Now we’re back to talk—CAN YOU PICK A SCENARIO?!
NC: This isn’t one of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books! Just pick a crappy scene and stay with it!
Johnny: If you ain’t true to yourself, then you ain’t true to nobody. (He narrates as the two frolic around again) Live your life for someone else, you ain’t livin.’
NC: Ah, yes, the Zen of Ice…-zice.
(Cut to scenes of Johnny and Kathy doing things together, including being with her horse and the two embracing on his motorbike)
NC (Voiceover): What is up with this movie? It’s like the whole film was one commercial, but they forgot what the product was.
(The logos for Calvin Klein, Pepperidge Farm, Quaker Oats, Folgers, Smuckers and Levi’s appear over the scenes one by one before NC’s caption “????” appears)
NC (voiceover): So they return to Caucasian Meadows where Ice tries to say goodnight to Kathy.
Johnny: (after Kathy puts a ring in his hand) Love differs between you and anybody.
Kathy: Oh, yeah?
Johnny: Oh, yeah. (He leans in to start giving her a kiss)
NC (voiceover): But the father from “Family Ties” is not amused.
Gordon (Kathy’s Father): (to Johnny) Get outta here. Get out and leave my daughter alone.
Kathy: But, Dad, you don’t understand!
Gordon: Get inside. I’ll handle this.
(Kathy sighs and walks inside)
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?
Johnny: I’ll see you tomorrow, Kat.
Gordon: I don’t want you near her tomorrow or any other day.
Johnny: Isn’t that up to her?
NC: (as Gordon) No, it’s up to me. Genetically, we just can’t have any more whiteness. If we had any more, we’d just vanish!
NC (voiceover): So to be fair, the father thinks Ice is connected to the two guys who tried to run Kathy over the other night. And just who are those two guys?
Gordon: There was a policeman back to play rookie. My partner guy named Walsh thought I was pretty square.
NC (voiceover): Oh, come on, don’t try to have a story now. You’re only, like, an hour in.
Gordon: I guess I was. But I was also honest, and Walsh wasn’t. Two other cops were convicted with Walsh.
NC (voiceover): (fast-forwards the footage) Blah, blah, blah, you fucked up in the past, these two villains want revenge and they’re willing to hurt his family for it. Recycled, retarded, rejected. NEXT SCENE!
(Cut to the next day with Kathy leaving her house)
Johnny: Hey, yo, what’s up? I was just chillin’ in the hood and I thought you might want to go for a ride.
NC: The hood? THE HOOD? What hood? The hood of your car?!
Kathy: You know, sometimes I think I know you. But then how can you know somebody that you just met, right?
Johnny: Is this you or your old man talkin’?
Johnny: You don’t know me. You don’t know me at all. (He starts his bike and drives off)
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) There’s only one thing that’ll make me feel better. And that’s posin’!
(Shots of Johnny posing on his bike in the middle of a desert are shown; As NC speaks the following, cuts of various things (including an outdoor swinging bench, a vase with flowers on a coffee table, a fish bowl, Johnny landing on a couch, Princess whipping her hair while dancing, Johnny and Princess dancing out on a street, and Roscoe dancing) are shown for some reason)
NC (voiceover): What? What is this? What? OK, is this just an editor’s test project? Pick a bunch of random shots and somehow make a movie out of it?
Tommy: Johnny! (Holds up a motorcycle helmet) I thought maybe we could go for a ride.
NC (voiceover): So after giving Kathy’s brother a friendly ride on his bike, he sneaks into her room to give back the love ring that she gave him. (Johnny runs around the house as we hear an upbeat song in the background) By the way, is it me, or is the music starting to sound like “Inspector Gadget”?
(A clip of the opening theme song to “Inspector Gadget” briefly plays)
Background Singers (from “Inspector Gadget”): Inspector Gadget! Woo-hoo!
NC (voiceover): Unfortunately, those two villains mentioned before break into their home and look for some family members to threaten.
Tommy: HELP! (He runs away from the men through the house, avoiding them)
Bad Guy #1: Hey, come here! Come here! Now! Come here, boy! I’m gonna get you!
Tommy: Stay away!
Bad Guy #1: I’m over—OW!
(Bad Guy #1 throws various objects around during his fight to get at Tommy)
NC (voiceover): Wow, he’s having a whole fight scene with himself.
Tommy: Get away from me!
Bad Guy #2: (catches Tommy) Where do you think you are going, pal?
Bad Guy #1: Gotcha!
Tommy: (while being dragged away by Bad Guy #2) Help!
Bad Guy #1: (mocks Tommy) Help! Help!
Bad Guy #2: (as he takes Tommy around a corner) One of you shut up! Moron.
(Cut to a shot of the wall in front of the corner, and we hear a gunshot)
NC: OK…that didn’t happen. But wouldn’t that have been such a dark turn?
NC (voiceover): No, they just decide to kidnap him because any bad movie where the kid isn’t the star has to have him be kidnapped.
Tommy: (his voice is heard in a cassette tape for George, Kathy and the mother to listen to) I am making this tape to tell you what a very good time having my new friends.
NC (voiceover): And of course, they think Ice is one of the guys who kidnapped him, and it doesn’t help that Jock McCock here confirms the misunderstanding as well.
Nick: I just saw him. Tell me.
Kathy’s Mother: Where?
Nick: The guy who jumped me at the Sugar Shack.
Kathy: No! (She takes the cassette tape out of the play and starts to quickly leave the house)
Nick: Kathy, what are you doing?
NC (voiceover): (as Nick, speaking blandly) No, don’t, come back. (Kathy has left) Well, I tried.
(Cut to Johnny’s posse having a music session together)
NC (voiceover): Oh, Jesus. You know, I think these guys just hang out with Ice so that they look less lame by comparison.
Kathy: (to Johnny) I need to talk to you.
Johnny: (takes off his sunglasses) You need a psychiatrist.
(Cut to a black tea kettle and a black cooking pot arguing with each other below NC, who is watching this scene)
Cooking Pot: You are so black.
Tea Kettle: I’m not black! You’re black!
Cooking Pot: I’m not black! You’re black!
Tea Kettle: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Cooking Pot: (simultaneously) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tea Kettle: (simultaneously) You’re so obviously the black one! I mean, for crying out loud!
(Cut back to the movie with the whole posse listening to the ransom tape)
Tommy: (voice on the cassette tape) If you change your mind in the next 24 hours, I will come home. Do what you have to do, and everything will be OK.
(Johnny rewinds the tape)
NC (voiceover): (as Johnny) Well, this is the worst rap tape I ever heard. Kid’s got no rhyme, no rhythm, he’s got no talent. (Normal) So Detective Ice puts together that the kid is being held at—where else?—the construction site. Good God, doesn’t any actual construction go on there?
Bad Guy #1: (shining a flashlight on Tommy) What’s the lead Martian like? Is he your lead Martian? Is he your leader? (chuckles) You are ours. (He makes noises while spinning his flashlight around)
NC (voiceover): (as Tommy) Look, can you just cut my head off already? Your acting’s really bad.
Bad Guy #2: (while keeping a lookout for Johnny and posse until he sees that they are leaving) And they are gone! (To Bad Guy #1) When this whole thing is said and done, you know what I wanna do? I’m gonna get myself a joint.
NC: That is quite a coincidence! That’s what I’ve been saying I’d do after this movie, too!
NC (voiceover): But Vanilla and the Popsicles pop in to save the day! This looks like a job for Chewed-Up Black Condom Man!
(Johnny fights Bad Guy #1, kicking him down)
NC (voiceover): So they return the son home, get the bad guys in jail, and of course, Ice has a chance to make amends with Kathy’s father. And yes, he does the whole thing while looking like the top of a baby bottle.
Gordon: Thanks. (He shakes hands with Johnny)
Johnny: Doesn’t really matter. (To Kathy after Gordon leaves) You know, I’m outta here.
Kathy: Oh, I thought we were outta here.
Johnny: (puts on his sunglasses) Then let’s G-O. (Kathy smiles and starts to get on the bike)
(Nick pulls up in his white car)
NC (voiceover): (as Nick) Wait! I’ve come to add the ultimate cliché to the movie!
Nick: (to Kathy) You know what you’re doin’?
Kathy: (smiles) I hope not.
Nick: Well, I hope you like being a biker chick, ‘cause you’re not gonna see me or my car again.
(Johnny starts his bike and does a wheelie, which Kate squeals in excitement to)
Johnny: I forgot somethin’.
(Johnny turns his bike around)
NC: No, please.
(A couple of Johnny’s posse watch Johnny drive his bike)
NC: D-Don’t do it.
(Johnny drives his motorbike to Nick’s white car)
NC: The White-O-Meter is already at its maximum limit. I have no idea how much more whiteness this movie can take!
(Johnny jumps over the car from the front and lands on the other side; the movie brightens in bright white due in part by NC’s edit)
NC: (His room fills up with white as well) D’AHH! (He shields his eyes) IT’S TOO WHITE! IT’S TOO WHITE!
NC (voiceover): So he goes back to his nightclub—though we’re not really sure why he left to begin with—where he’s quite literally rapping it up. (Johnny and his posse dance onstage) Go dumbass, go dumbass, GO! Go dumbass, go dumbass, GO!
Johnny: (raps) There is more where that came from…
NC (voiceover): Look at that amazing Technicolor suck-coat. It looks like he lost at a game at paintball.
(Johnny does a dance around with another man and briefly ends up facing forward onto the man’s back parallel to the floor as though he were having sex Doggie style)
NC (voiceover): Uhhmm…OK, that was a little questionable, but I guess it wasn’t too bad when you really think about it—(As the dancing continues, the man lifts Johnny with the crotch toward his face, and they both do a couple flips in one spot) WHOA!! Oh, NO, NO, NONONONONONO! AW, DAMN!!
NC: That’s, like, five pages of the Kama Sutra!
Background Singer: Goin’ home, babe!
Johnny: (finishes his rap) In the house, and the house is packed.
(Cut to black before we get a brief display of “The End” with the sound of a gunshot before it fades away)
NC: (is surprised by this) Did they just spit “The End” at us?
(The ending credits start to roll)
NC (voiceover): Oh, well, who cares? It’s over. Thank God, it’s over.
NC: (makes a cool pose with his hands) So that was “Cool as Ice,” and it is…bad as shit.
(Clips from the movie play as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, do I even have to explain why this movie’s bad? The plot is just an excuse to make Vanilla Ice look good, and because the plot fails so horribly, so does the task of making him look good! He’s not that great an actor, he’s not that great a rapper, and when the hell is someone gonna just run a lawnmower through his hair already?
NC: Oh, well, who cares? The movie is over, and thank God! If I had to take any more whiteness, I don’t know what the hell would happen—
Johnny: Drop that zero and get with a hero.
NC: No! No! It’s too white! IT’S TOO WHITE! (He starts disappearing) I’M THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! I REMEMBER IT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO! (He is now completely gone, leaving only his chair behind)