June 10, 2009
(We open to an 80s sitcom-esque opening featuring still photographs of the Nostalgia Critic and The Nerd and music from ALF playing in the background, we then cut to our two hosts sitting at a table in front of a city backdrop and holding coffee mugs)
NC: Hello, and welcome to the Angry Video Game Nerd/Nostalgia Critic review.
The Nerd: And boy, do we have some great fun planned today. Don't we, Critic?
NC: We sure do, Nerd. Ah ha ha!
(They clink their mugs together and drink as we hear a laugh track)
NC: So let's not waste any time. I'll bet a lot of you are wondering what we're going to review.
Cut to clips of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles films with the theme music playing in the back.
The Nerd (vo): Well, as you guys probably know, we were both huge Ninja Turtles fans ,and seeing as we both reviewed every single one of the movies, it only figures that we should collaborate on something that's Ninja Turtles related.
The Nerd: And boy, do we have the biggest piece of shit-fucking...
The Nerd: ...horse-raping...
The Nerd: ...anal-plugging...
The Nerd: ...dick-knocking ...
Both: BIGGEST PIECE OF COW DIARRHEA WE HAVE EVER SEEN! "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Coming Out of Our Shells Tour!"
(They each drink their mugs)
The Nerd: More like coming out of their ass!
The title screen for "TMNT: The Making of the Coming of Our Shells Tour" is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the direct-to-video special
NC (vo): Believe it or not, there was actually a time when the Ninja Turtles were so big, that they actually had their own rock band put together. I am dead serious.
The Nerd (vo): Dead fucking serious! It was people dressed up in costumes, running around on stage and performing some of the worst songs you've ever heard in your fucking life. I mean, they were awful.
NC (vo): And at the height of this musical ass-fisting came a video showing us a behind-the-scenes look at the band's creative abilities simply entitled "The Making of The Coming Out of Our Shells Tour." Look at the size of Mikey's head. It looks like a child-molesting alien.
The Nerd (vo): And it wouldn't be so bad if they were just showing how they put the costumes together or how the mechanics of them work, but no! They stay in character the whole fucking time. Every single moment, we're supposed to believe that nobody has a problem with giant mutated turtles walking around. It's just another day at the office for them.
NC: This is pretty much the worst thing to ever have the Ninja Turtles name on it.
The Nerd: This is even worse than Ninja Turtles 3.
(They both shudder and perform the Holy Cross on themselves)
NC: In fact, why the hell do we even have this pleasant backdrop? Let's get something else back there.
(The city backdrop switches to a fiery background with a dead ninja turtle's head and crossbones behind it)
NC: Much better!
The Nerd: So, anyway, why is this disgrace a fucking letdown of mutated proportions? Well, hold on to your vomit bags and lets find out.
The direct-to-video special begins
The Nerd (vo): I'm not ashamed to admit that I had the cassette tape, and I listened to it all the time. Well, yeah, I am ashamed, but I'm making up for it now, hopefully.
NC (vo): So it starts off at the Radio City Music Hall, of all places, as the Turtles apparently are playing a concert that night.
The Nerd (vo): Look at all those fans just waiting to be disappointed. They probably should've watched this video first; that would've scared them away for good.
NC (vo): And look! It's April! It has to be her, because she's wearing yellow! You can give her any face or hair style you want. As long as she's wearing yellow, their fucking little brains will buy it.
April: All right!
(Cut to Michaelangelo)
Michelangelo: When did it all start? Well, it all started a long time ago...
(Cut to NC and The Nerd)
NC: Oh, my god!
The Nerd: W-What the hell is that?
NC: That's putrid!
The Nerd: That's heinously anus!
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): You see better animatronics at Chuck-E-Cheese! This can't be for real!
Raphael: Stop goofing around. He wants to know about the music.
Mikey: No duuuuhhhh! Just chill out, Raph!
The Nerd (vo): Yeah, I guess their mouths don't have to close all the way, do they?
(We see NC and The Nerd mimic the same kind of dialogue with their mouths open)
The Nerd: Hey, Critic, you talk like this all the time, don't ya?
NC: Sure do, Nerd! Why would it be otherwise?
The Nerd (vo): So I guess they talk about how they put the band together and what was their musical inspiration.
Mikey: See, OK, Raph and I were waiting for this pizza to be delivered, see? And...
Raph: Yeah, you know, and I was just banging on some sewer pipes.
NC and Nerd: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
The Nerd: I don't know what he's talking about. "Banging on pipes."
NC: That is fucking gross.
NC (vo) as Mikey: Well, you know, we gotta get our sexual aggression out somehow. Lord knows we're surrounded by pipes and a hot chick in a jumpsuit that we can't touch, 'cause, you know, we're fuckin' turtles, so you make do with what you got.
Nerd (vo) as Raph: Yeah! We're horny in a halfshell!
Raph: When all of a sudden, we realized we were making music!
The Nerd (vo): I can't even tell which one is which. Both their masks look red. Are they supposed to be Raph?
(Cut to the turtles heading out to the stage for their performance; their mouths don't move at all when they speak)
Raph: All right, let's get this.
Mikey: Awesome, I'm ready to go.
The Nerd (vo): Yeah, bet you didn't know they were ventriloquists, too, did you? Look at that. Their lips don't even move once.
Mikey: Totally break a shell, man!
(The turtles are assisted by crew members in getting onto the rising platforms that would lift them up to the stage)
NC (vo): Wow, it looks like the masters of ninjitsu are having a little trouble getting into their spots. They suddenly became geriatric Ninja Turtles.
The Nerd (vo): Not only that, (camera zooms in at the back end of one of the turtles helped up by an assistant) are they grabbing their butts? What the hell?! They're groping turtle asses? That's just fucking gross.
(Cut to the stage performance)
Announcer: Give it up for Don, Mike, Raph and Leo!
NC (vo): So we see them get up on stage and finally perform for all the kids. In fact, they're so fucking good, that the music actually plays before they start playing their instruments.
Turtles: (sing) When there's music inside of you, someday you know that it's gotta come through / We're coming out of our shells.
NC (vo): Look at this. How did we go from their mouths never opening to their mouths never closing? These guys are making Milli Vanilli look good!
Raphael: (singing) Singing in the sewers is a wonderful sound.
The Nerd (vo): God, this is horrible. The lip-syncing is so bad, you could put anything over it, like fucking Slayer.
(A clip of the turtles singing plays with "Raining Blood" by Slayer dubbed over)
NC (vo): We then get back to the documentary where the turtles' producer comes out to talk to them. Or at least he says he's their producer, but I don't see any fucking devil horns!
Steven Leber: Bob told me about this group, the Ninja Turtles. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I mean, I couldn't believe that they were going to sing.
(A subtitle "Neither could we." appears under Leber)
Leber: Bob brought me down, and what I saw was incredible. It was the most unbelievable best new rock and roll band I'd ever seen. And of course we've managed some of the biggest rock and roll bands in the world: Aerosmith, AC/DC...
The Nerd (vo): Wow! They're really comparing them to Aerosmith and AC/DC? Well, that's pretty ballsy, guys.
Bob Bejan: Because these guys are, like...they're truly a band in the best sense of the word, because they're, you know, brothers and have been together forever, and the music really reflects that.
NC: We didn't care that they were hideous mutated creatures. We worked with Courtney Love, for crying out loud!
Man #1: Bob respects the turtles a great deal, and he really wanted so much to let this be their record, and I think they really pulled it off by just giving them room to be themselves, and I think it really worked well.
The Nerd (vo): They're NOT REAL! Stop acting like they're FUCKING REAL!
NC (vo): They don't even look like the REAL Ninja Turtles. They look like Ninja Frogs! You're listening to frogs! IT'S ALL A LIE!
Billy Brill: Madonna will go into therapy when she sees this video. It's gonna drive her crazy. You don't know what to expect on any group in any video. I think this group and this album is going to be around for a long time. I wouldn't be surprised if they win a Grammy Award or an American Music Award. It's not going to surprise me at all.
The Nerd (vo): What a schmuck! OK, so we don't have any trouble believing that there's four turtles on stage playing music, but now they feel the need to justify how they only can play with three fingers. If we can believe that there's four turtles up on stage playing music, I don't think we're gonna have much trouble believing that they have three FUCKING fingers!
Man #1: Donatello plays guitar with only three strings, so, um, he can do some amazing stuff on them, and of course, they're all on mini pickups and they're set, but, uh, Leonardo plays a one string bass, which is great. He gets an amazing sound out of it.
(NC and The Nerd are completely dumbfounded at this)
NC and The Nerd: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?!
NC (vo): YOU CANNOT PLAY BASS WITH JUST ONE STRING ON YOUR GUITAR! THAT'S LIKE TRYING TO PLAY TENNIS WITH JUST ONE STRING ON YOUR RACQUET! IT DOESN'T WORK!!!
(A Photoshopped picture of someone playing tennis with one white line on the racquet is shown briefly)
Turtles: (singing on stage) We're the turtles! You can count on us!
NC (vo): Has anyone noticed, by the way, that this is all starting to sound like Christian rock music? Because, you know, that wasn't lame enough.
NC (vo) as Raph: And now I'd like to talk to you about this other dude I know.
The Nerd (vo) as Leonardo: Who's that, Raph?
NC (vo) as Raph: A totally gnarly dude named Jesus. He died for our sins, and that's AWESOME!!!
The Nerd (vo) as Leonardo: Jesus rocks, dude!
(The subtitle "Cowa-lujah!" appears onscreen)
The Nerd (vo): We then get this mystical scene where we hear Splinter explain to the turtles all the ancient ways of rock and roll! God, this is lame.
Splinter: You must all keep growing, seeking in finding yourselves. I hear you sing, and this is good.
(The turtles have their mouths hang open like they're being dopey)
NC and The Nerd (v/o) as the Turtles: Doooyyyy! Duuuuuh! Duuuuuuh!
Splinter: You can make a difference.
The Nerd (vo): Why the fuck does he (Splinter) look like roadkill? He looks like road that's been killed more than in Ninja Turtles 3!
NC: What does that mean?
The Nerd: It means that...road that's been killed...or k-killed death--I don't know, it just means I'm angry!
Splinter: Take your music to all who will listen.
NC (vo): God, this is making the Country Bear Jamboree look like Metallica! It's just painful!
Mikey: You know, at first, I think Splinter wasn't really into the music thing, and we sure thought he wasn't gonna be in it at all.
Raph: Whoa, and if you could've heard us at first, man, we were bad, like "Thank you, dude. Next!"
The Nerd: Yeah, not like now. Now, we're fucking awesome!
NC: We're incredible!
The Nerd: We're like gods.
NC: We played for the Pope.
Raph: Yeah, like, you know, he tells us all the time: You can accomplish more with music than you can with any pair of nunchucks.
Mikey: Totally, dude.
Raph: Yeah. Bodacious!
Mikey: Hangin' hollow, homeboy!
NC (vo): I think they just gave up on sentences and just started shouting random words.
The Nerd: Awesome!
The Nerd: Tubular!
The Nerd: Olive Garden!
NC: The Alphabet!
The Nerd: Goat cheese!
NC: Yeah. (clinks his mug with The Nerd)
The Nerd: (clinks back his mug) Yeah! (They both drink down their mugs)
Leonardo: Once we started in the studio and started to work on the record, I began to see I had musical abilities that my other brothers didn't have.
NC (vo): Is it me, or do all these turtles have the exact same voice?
The Nerd (vo): I think they just paid one asshole to do the whole thing.
NC (vo): That's not surprising.
Mikey: Whoa, dudes! We never knew how much work we were going to do to put on a live show!
Raph: (lays back dazed while Mikey was talking) Whoa. Yeah.
The Nerd (vo): What's going on with Raph over there?
NC (vo) as Raph: Dude, I am so wasted!
Raph: Whoa, cowabunga, dude!
NC: Why do I see this turning into a Joaquin Phoenix scenario?
(Cut to a clip from the "Late Show with David Letterman" with a Photoshopped image of a Ninja Turtle's head with a thick beard and sunglasses placed on Joaquin Phoenix's head)
David Letterman: I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight. (Audience laughter is heard in the background)
(Back to the DTV special)
NC (vo): So we also see that Donatello likes to help people out backstage, which mainly consists of him just walking around and saying "Yup!" (Beat) Oh, wait, there is one scene where he hands a guy a power cord.
NC (vo) as Don: Well, my work here is done. Time to get rip roarin' drunk.
The Nerd (vo): So then the turtles go to a press conference. Honest to god, a press conference, like they're taking this thing that seriously. A bunch of kids show up to see their heroes sell out. All these kids are just eating out of those turtles' anuses.
NC: This is like Spinal Tap, only not funny!
The Nerd: More like Spinal Crap!
(They then slowly sip from their mugs, put them down, and wipe their mouths at the same time)
Bob: Uh, we're ready to come out of our shells, and we're excited about opening here and starting the North American tour at Radio City. We've been practicing for a year, because they didn't want to play out until they were really ready to play, and we had to make all new instruments. Michelangelo has to play with three fingers tuned to an open E, 'cause it's hard to do anything with bar chords when you only have three fingers...
The Nerd (vo): Who gives a shit? Show them the turtles, you fucking douche! No kid wants to hear about the technical side of making music. They just want the FUCKING MUSIC!
Man #2: (as the children cheer) Thank you very much.
NC (vo): So the turtles finally come out to thunderous praise. (Beat) Good god, those kids look so bored. Some of them aren't even looking up. They actually find the FLOOR more engaging than the giant green reptiles. You have to suck pretty hard for that to happen.
Raph: All right, dudes, we're outta here.
Don: Cowabunga, dudes.
The Nerd (vo): We then see the turtles performing on top of the Radio City Music Hall. Just look at all those starstruck fans who were blown away by this musical event. We see people walking by and not even looking up. I mean, even I would look up if I was walking by Radio City Music Hall and saw four fucking reptiles playing music. Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe for just one second. I'd look FUCKING UP!
NC (vo): They even changed the names of the streets in their honor. How confusing must that have been?
The Nerd: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Cowabunga Corner?
NC: Oh, certainly. It's right off of Bodacious Boulevard.
The Nerd: What the hell kinda city is this?
NC: A fucking weird one.
NC (vo): And then, if you think their rap song with Vanilla Ice was bad, just get a load of this.
Raph: (raps) So he put down his weapon and he picked up an instrument / A different kind of message is what he implements
(NC repeatedly bangs his head on the coffee table while The Nerd pours coffee down his shirt, both unable to endure the rapping)
Raph: (raps) Are you listenin' to what I say / I am still a mutant turtle in every way
NC (vo): Hey! MC Hammer called; He's being outsucked!
The Nerd (vo): I love this one scene where Donatello gives up and just walks off the stage. He's like "Fuck this, man. This shit's the worst."
Raph: (raps) Born like a pet / Just like the rest of them / I grew up wild / Party with the rest of them
NC (vo): I wonder how many crimes they could be stopping right now. But hey, why would you want to worry about that when you could have giant surfing alligators to dance with? (Beat) Wait, what?
(Surfing alligators suddenly appear on the stage)
Announcer (voiced by NC): THE BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! (Cue the "Big Lipped Alligator Moment" logo)
(The turtles are seen standing on mini platforms on a giant skateboard, which spin when the turtles twist their hips)
The Nerd (vo): And you gotta love this surfboard choreography they have here.
NC (vo): Yeah, I bet that took them a whole minute to figure those dance moves out.
(NC and The Nerd then decide to surf on their chairs, mocking the turtles' surfboard choreography)
The Nerd (vo): In fact, none of the staging makes sense. There's a scene where a kid just skateboards across the stage. Why? Did he get lost or something? Maybe he made a wrong turn on Bodacious Boulevard. Who the hell was that kid? Little fucking bastard. Where's the security when you need it? There's a kid skateboarding across the stage.
NC (vo): Actually, one of the strangest things is that they keep talking about how the turtles are bringing a message to the people, but they never explain what the hell the message is.
Man #1: We wanted to make sure that the staple they made was, you know, clean and clear.
Man #3: Once I listened to the turtles' music and heard the messages that they bring across, it really meant something to me.
Man #4: It tells their story and brings their message out to the world.
(The subtitle "WHAT MESSAGE???" appears with a buzzer sound buzzing twice)
The Nerd: Eat fattening pizza?
NC: Annoy your parents by playing loud instruments?
The Nerd: No, no. We know what the real message is.
Both: BUY OUR FUCKING PRODUCTS! (They slurp down their drinks, place their mugs on the table and clear their throats simultaneously)
Turtle: Hey, I thought this was a "No Smoking" section.
(We then see our infamous Turtles villain, the Shredder, in a really ridiculous getup)
Shredder: Turtles! There you are!
The Nerd (vo): OH, MY GOD, THAT IS THE WORST SHREDDER I'VE EVER SEEN! What is it, fucking Iron Chef Shredder?
NC (vo): Hey, where'd you get that costume from? Target or Wal-Mart?
Mikey: This is our party, and your name is not on the guest list!
Shredder: No, you're wrong, turtle. This is my party, and I'll make you cry if I want to!
Mikey: Not for long!
NC (vo): Huh. This must've been when the Shredder had nothing better to do. I mean, is crashing parties really the height of evildoings?
Mikey: What are we gonna do, Master Splinter? Shredder can't really take all the music in the world away, can he?
NC (vo): But thank God, April is there to sing a motivational song to get the turtles' morale going again. (Beat) And then the credits roll.
The Nerd (vo): What?
NC (vo): Yeah, it doesn't even end! It just sort of...stops. Like the editor said, "Fuck this shit! I'm done!" and then ran off the project.
The Nerd (vo): Well, good, at least that means the video's over and we don't have to listen to any more music, right?
(The video continues to play)
The Nerd (vo): Right...? ...The fuck, dude?! They just rolled the credits! What the hell else is there to show?!
Turtles: (sing) But we need your help tonight.
NC (vo): Oh, my God, IT'S NEVER GOING TO END!!!
Turtles: (sing) We're the turtles! You can count on us!
The Nerd (vo): You can count on us? Oh, you sure can! You can count on us to be totally FUCKING OBNOXIOUS!!
Turtles: (sing) You got to fight to be free.
The Nerd: SHUT UP! (He starts gagging)
NC: (sobs) SHUT UP!
Turtles: (sing) Fight to be free
(The Nerd covers his ears and babbles incoherently with his tongue to block out the singing)
NC: SHUT UP! (sobs) Please! Why won't you shut up? We tell you to shut up, and then you won't do it! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
NC (v/o): SHUT UP! SHUT UP! (sobs) SHUT UP!
(The performance finally fades to black, but then it fades back to the final scene with Splinter appearing on the empty stage from a rising platform from the floor. NC and The Nerd stare in confusion)
Splinter: They are definitely happening...musically.
NC and The Nerd: (Long pause) HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!
(Clips from the DTV video play again as NC and The Nerd speak)
NC (vo): What can you say about this? It's the worst. There is nothing worse. I've never seen anything that has the Turtles name on it that has sucked this hard.
The Nerd (vo): This pretentious and ponderous collection of reptilian rock songs is enough to prompt the question: What day did the Lord create the Ninja Turtles Coming Out of Their Shells Tour? And could he have not rested on that day, too?
NC: And then to roll the end credits making us think it's over, and then just having more crap at the end? That's the biggest insult of all!
The Nerd: Cowabunga.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
The Nerd: And I'm the fucking Nerd.
NC: I remember it so you don't have to.
The Nerd: And I...shit on your mom's face.
(The credits roll very quickly; NC and The Nerd are still sitting in their chairs as the Nerd plays with one of his pens, flings it at the Critic and the two start fighting again)