(After the opening for the Spoony Experiment, we cut to Spoony in his room)
Spoony: I don't even know where to start with this one. I mean, how do you make a movie based on the DOA video game? The game has no plot! Seriously, like zero plot! It's about people in a fighting tournament and...and that's it! Even if there was a story, certainly nobody paid any attention to...okay, you know what, I lied. There is a story, if you can even call it that. You wanna see what it is? I'll show you. It's not gonna take very fucking long.
(We're now treated to the opening cinematic for Dead or Alive Xtreme 2, showing the girls of the game in bikinis and being all sexy)
Spoony: And that's it. DOA is a series of tournament fighters and lesbian beach volleyball games.
(Clips of the game are shown)
Spoony (vo): And you don't play that much beach volleyball in those games. Mostly you just play casino games so you can get money to buy the girls even smaller bikinis and then pay them to do pole dances.
(One such pole dance being Leifang)
Spoony (vo): This movie is going to be amazing! (now clips of the game) We're talking about a game series whose most enduring contribution to entertainment is it's pioneering work in the field of breast jiggle physics. I am so not even kidding about this. There was serious work put into making these boobies bounce like this, (a clip of Ayane is shown talking about the...physics mentioned) although I don't really know what planet's gravity these breast physics are based on. Look at this! Apparently in the DOA universe, Newton's Laws do not apply to breasts. Boobs are the key to unlocking the secrets of perpetual motion.
(Suddenly Film Brain cuts in)
Film Brain (vo): DOA is produced by Paul W.S. Anderson, who is also the director of the abyssmal Resident Evil movies. (A clip of Resident Evil: Afterlife is shown) And given the game's fixation on chicks in bikinis, it's truly puzzling why he didn't bother flaunting his wife (the rest is drowned out by Spoony)
Spoony: (trying to cut in) Um, Film Brain? Hello? Hey, yo! Film Brain!
Spoony: What the hell are you doing here again?
FB: What do you mean? It's crossover time, baby! Film Brain and Spoony, Bad Movie Beatdown! I had t-shirts made back there.
Spoony: Wait, w-what are you, nuts? Did you not see the comments from the Tekken video?
FB: Comments? What do you mean? People love me! (Just to prove him wrong, a loud crash is heard) The bloody hell?
(We're treated to an old clip, as in 1920s old, of a castle door being rammed into. FB looks outside his blinds)
FB: Oh shit! Spoony, it's your fans! They brought a battering ram!
Spoony: Dude, I tried to warn you! My fans, they're insane! They formed a mob to stop more Film Brain crossovers! You gotta get out of there, dude! It's not safe!
FB: Ha! They're not gonna get me without a fight! Pour the boiling cauldrons of lead!
(A clip from I don't know what movie, but they're pouring molten lead onto the old timey mob)
FB: Take that, you bloody peasants! (he picks up a piece of wood) Tell the Nostalgia Critic I li--
(Before he can finish, an explosion cuts off his feed)
Spoony: Are you guys happy now!? Look what you just did! You just killed Film Brain!
FB (vo): (still alive, but quite woozy) Ha ha. Oh no, I'm alright. Although I think I'm ready for my check now, Andre. That souffle was simply divine...(a thud is heard)
Spoony (vo): The movie opens to some truly awful CG work of a ninja fortress that looks like someone screencaptured a battle from the game Shogun: Total War. The first one. That's where we meet our first hero of the movie, Kasumi, played by Devon Aoki. Yeah, I really liked her in Sin City. Mostly because she never talked.
Ryu Hayabusa: Your brother is dead. Your destiny is to lead your people.
(Kasumi has a cricket on her finger that jumps into a wooden box she closes)
Kasumi: I will not believe he is dead until I see his body. I am going to find him.
Hayabusa: The guards won't let you leave.
Kasumi: I am not a cricket in a box. I alone determine my destiny.
Spoony (vo): Why do you have a cricket in a box in the first place? And who the hell has a pet cricket anyway? And if you do, poke holes in the box for christsakes. So she wants to leave the temple to go find her brother, but it's not allowed by the temple laws, because ninjas are so well known for obeying laws and letting deaths of their clan members go unavenged. (she kicks a katana out of a guard's scabard and catching it as it flies past her) And preventing her from leaving is Ayane, another ninja. (Editor's note: also her half-sister) With purple hair.
Spoony: Because ninjas are all about covering themselves in bright pastel colors that can be easily seen in any light. Just ask Pierre Kirby.
Kasumi: Ayane, I know of your love for my brother. I will find Hayate and bring him home.
Hayabusa: (kneels down) Princess Kasumi! (all the guards kneel down)
Spoony (vo): Wait, why did they all just do that? Did they not recognize her up till now? They just all kneeled for no reason.
Hayabusa: Princess Kasumi!
(Clip of Ace Ventura: When Nature Call)
Ace: Shikaka. (The Wachati chief and his son, Ouda, kneel at the name)
(Back to the movie)
Ayane: I'm your servant. But if you leave, I'm honor-bound to kill you. (And she kneels)
Spoony (vo): She just said she was leaving! Why are you kneeling? Kill her now! What's the problem with letting her leave anyway? It doesn't exactly look like you guys have a whole hell of a lot to do but stand around holding flags and playing with fucking crickets. Most boring ninjas ever.
(Kasumi twirls her katana around and throws it to the far wall. While it's in the air, Kasumi leapfrogs over the guards by jumping on their heads. Ows are dubbed in with each step Kasumi takes. She then uses the sword as a springboard to jump over the wall, showing the fortress was high on a mountain. Her kimono flies off, revealing a sports top, shorts and sneakers underneath, as well as a hanglider!
Spoony (vo): Oh come on, really? Really?
(Something flies towards Kasumi which she catches)
Spoony (vo): Okay, she used a ninja sword as a springboard to jump over a 40' wall, throws off her kimono in freefall, and flies off on her hidden unfolding ninja hanglider that she was secretly wearing this whole time! Yeah okay, get much use out of your ninja hanglider, do ya? I think you can add this one to the Hall of Shame just under (Clip from Yor: Hunter From the Future) Yor's hangliding on a dead bat, and just slightly over (A clip of MST3K's version of Cave Dwellers) Ator creating a hanglider out of science. Oh and then someone throws a techno...shuriken...thing at her with an invitation to the DOA tournament on it. And she catchs it without seeming slightly surprised someone just hurled a two pound fucking knife at her as she was diving off a mountain in what happens to be the most unbelievable good throw in history.
(Kasumi's invitation is shown with her occupation being "Shinobi Ninja Princess.")
Spoony (vo): Pfft, shinobi ninja princess, fuck.
Spoony: We're not even five minutes into this fucking movie. I could stop the review here. I can't top that! And worst of all, this characterization of Kasumi is nothing like that in the DOA videogame. Compare this movie to Kasumi's storyline ending in DOA4.
(Kasumi's ending from DOA4 is shown. She's a mermaid)
Spoony: See? Completely different! This movie is bullshit!
(Next shot is of a blonde woman coming out of the water and onto a boat wearing a stars and stripes bikini)
Spoony (vo): Uh-huh. Yeah, are you starting to sense a theme here? This is Tina Armstrong, and the bimbo count just keeps on climbing.
(Suddenly we're interrupted by Bandit Keith, as voiced by LittleKuribo)
Keith: Alright loser, that does it! You take back what you said about my girlfriend or I'll have her beat you up!
Spoony: Wha...Bandit Keith?
Keith: Tina Armstrong is not a bimbo! In case you couldn't tell, she's an American, and Americans always wear the stars and stripes. In fact, I'm wearing a very patriotic thong. You can't see it, but trust me, it's there.
Spoony: Really? That's the only reason you like her, cause she wears an American flag?
Keith: Yeah, I'm not that shallow. When I first saw her in the WWE, I knew it was true love. She's going to win this tournament because she's mastered the most American martial art ever devised: professional wrestling.
Spoony: You do realize pro wrestling's not a real martial--
Keith: We invented it, the Greeks just stole it from us. She was tag teaming with her father, Bass Armstrong, who's basically what you'd get if (a clip of Bass is shown, played by...) Kevin Nash had sex with Hulk Hogan. In other words, the most American family this side of Chuck Norris.
Spoony: Hey waitaminute. I'm an American, and I don't wear a flag.
Keith: Exactly! This is why you're single and I'm awesome! Now if you'll excuse me, I've prepared a song. (he clears his throat, then begins to sing American Woman)
American Woman/Stay away from me
American Woman/Momma let me be
Spoony: (covering his ears, having had enough of this tomfoolery) Alright, that's it, baby! Out! Out!
Keith: Fine! Oh, by the way, tell Film Brain he sucks cause French people are stupid!
Spoony (vo): If I may continue uninterrupted, Tina's yachting in the South China Sea because...uh, then priates attack.
Pirate Captain: (subtitled) Nice yacht.
Spoony (vo): And they're led by Captain Liu Kang (Robin Shou), who I guess has fallen on some pretty hard times ever since winning Mortal Kombat.
(One pirate is about to shoot at the boat when the captain hits him in the face with the butt of his gun)
Pirate Captain: (Subtitled) No guns! This yacht is worth a million. I'll shoot any man who puts a bullet in it.
Spoony (vo): Okay, I get not wanting to damage the boat with your guns, but you could've at least brought them with you so you have something to threaten her with. It's not like she knows you won't shoot. So, of course, because they're completely unarmed, she kicks all their asses.
(Tina starts by kicking the pirate captain off the boat)
Spoony (vo): (imitating the captain going off the boat) I regret being in Mortal Kombat Twooooo!
(The same invitation then lands on the boat. Tina's invitation says "Superstar Pro-Wrestler")
(We're now treated to a blonde woman, Christie, in the shower)
Spoony (vo): Of course, woman in the shower. Think we're 4 for 4 at this point. (The woman opens the shower, showing she has make-up on) Wait, how is she coming out of the shower with make-up on? She's wearing eyeshadow!
(Christie's suitcase is taken out of the closet and opened up)
Christie: May I help you?
Detective: You're under arrest.
Spoony (vo): Under the Gratuitous Fanservice Act of 2004.
Detective: Someone broke into the safe of the Hotel Peking last night. (He then cuts open the lining, revealing thick wads of money) Stole cash and diamonds. We received an anonymous tip that it was you.
Christie: Well, they're a girl's best friend.
Detective: Well, perhaps spending a few hours in a cold cell under some hot lights will make you a little more...agreeable.
Christie: May I at least get dressed first?
Detective: Be my guest.
(Christie reaches for a pair of black panties, putting them on seductively. Steam coming out of a guard's ears is added, well as a whistle while the detective gets a loud gulp thrown his way)
Christie: Would you hand me my bra, please?
(The detective picks it up with his gun and walks over to her)
Spoony (vo): Oh come on, you can't possibly be this dumb.
(Christie then kicks the gun out of his hand)
Spoony (vo): What the--hey, no fair! She used sex as a ploy to escape! Who could possibly have seen that coming? God it's hard being a Federal Agent when you're stupid!
(While the gun's up in the air, she kicks one of the guards in the head, uses her towel to take the other guard out)
Spoony (vo): So basically if he just tossed the bra across the room to her like any normal person would've done, instead of being a dumbass and putting his gun within arm's reach, she had no plan. And why didn't they put the well known murderer in handcuffs in the first place and then question her at the station? Yeah, I said murderer because she's apparently a master thief and assassin.
(Christie's invitation says "Assassin & Master Thief")
Spoony (vo): So she kicks their asses and I will admit for an extended cocktease sequence, it's rather impressively shot and Christie is ridiculously hot! After that, she escapes on a motorcycle when she gets her own invitation to DOA. (Her invitation lodges itself onto the windshield of her bike and she has a big grin on her face) Why are you smirking? Some asshole just threw a fucking knife into your motorcycle and this amuses you? It would've scared me shitless! You didn't even flinch! Who is throwing these fucking things that can hit a motorcycle going 120 miles an hour? What if he misses? (The invitation scene is shown, only with a red splat covering Christie's head) Uh, oops. Sorry!
(Skating onto the scene is Helena)
Helena Douglas: Welcome to the world's greatest martial arts tournament, DOA.
(She's part of a video the fighters are watching on a plane)
Helena: Each of you has been individually selected because you represent the best fighting style in your specialized field. Soon you will get a chance to prove that you're the best fighter in the world, and at the same time pick up a $10 million prize.
(Tina and her father, Bass, go from sitting on the seats of the plane to sitting at a bar drinking cola)
Spoony (vo): Bam! Tina and Kevin Nash have instantaneously changed positions from the front of the plane all the way to the back.
Tina: God, this is so embarrassing, dad. I cannot believe you're here.
Bass: What? I got an invitation just like you.
Spoony (vo): (noticing the errors in the shots) Hey wait, the can was just in his left hand, and now it's in his right. And now his left again, and then his right. And he just raised it to his lips twice! Gaah, continuity! And his entire costume is a Hulk Hogan wig you can buy for $12 at a halloween costume shop.
(Spoony's now wearing the same wig that's on Nash's head)
Spoony: See? Mine's blue. I mean let's be honest here, the Bass Armstrong character is basically a carbon copy of Hollywood Hulk Hogan from the NWO.
Spoony (vo): One wonders if Big Sloppy here even realized the similarity.
(We cut to a guy in a suit talking to Leifang when Christie calls out)
Christie: Max. (she walks over to him when he gets up to check the overhead compartment) Max! (now she's behind him)
Spoony (vo): Wait hang on, first she's in front and now she's behind--ah, look at this! Someone with ADHD edited this movie! (pointing out to Gen Fu sitting behind Ryu) And hey look, Pai Mei from Kill Bill is on this plane.
Helena: To get to DOA Island, you have to bail out now. Parachutes are under your seats. (Kasumi quickly gets her parachute, along with everyone else)
Spoony (vo): Oh what, Kasumi didn't have some secret ninja parachute already? Fucksake.
(The next shot has the fighters in a hall)
Announcer: DOA Combatants. Your host, Dr. Victor Donovan.
(Donovan is standing on a balcony while surrounded by four girls)
Donovan: Welcome to--
Spoony: (interrupting) Villain. I'm sorry, has there ever been a guy in a movie running a martial arts tournament that wasn't trying to take over the world? And he's played by Eric Roberts.
(A clip of Donovan is shown)
Spoony (vo): Just look at this guy! He's evil! Although I must admit, I do love that magnificent mane of hair. (Devices now scan the fighters who are down to their underwear) Everyone's taken to the lab for a complete physical, and by physical, I mean stripping down for a rotating scanner science thingy. Really it's just an excuse to get the ladies out of their clothes again. It's shameless, but I'm totally okay with it.
Spoony: Don't look at me like that! The games are about hot chicks in bikinis. And guess what? (pointing to the poster) This is hot chicks in bikinis!
Spoony (vo): Helena's ass is unbelievable. Yeah, it's fanservice, but fuck it, the whole movie's fanservice.
Spoony: (eating a bag of popcorn) Cause you know, at this point, I don't even care. I watched King of Fighters. (mouth full of popcorn) So you know what, fuck it. I'm enjoying my smut.
Spoony (vo): All the contestants get injected with nanites that record and transmit data on their physical movements onto a database. (Said database is shown) Mmmmatrix. They also get little watches that tell them who their next fight is against. (Fights shown on the monitors are Leifang vs. Gen Fu, Eliot vs. Hayabusa and Brad Wong vs. Bayman) And I guess the nanites are able to project a life meter onto the television feed somehow, I don't know. Figure that one out.
(Leifang and Gen Fu fight on a spiral staircase. Leifang jumps onto the rails when she gets kicked off and down to the floor beneath. Gen Fu jumps after her, though the fight is over)
Announcer: KO. Gen Fu wins.
Spoony (vo): Actually, I'm pretty sure Leifang just plummeted to her death there. Oh well, Dead or Alive!
(We now get a clip of Kill Bill Volume 2 as Pai Mei jumps onto the Bride's sword, then kicks her into a wall, laughing and stroking his beard. The sounds of the previous fight are played over it)
Spoony (vo): I never really understood what Donovan gets out of the whole deal. I mean yeah in this movie he's got an evil plan, but what about all the other years before this? He's been blowing $10 million a year, plus the overhead of running his own tropical island with a staff of several dozen security and medical personnel. And what's the payoff? Is this televised? On pay-per-view? Are there sponsors? How does this make money? I don't know. Clearly I'm thinking about this way too hard. (We're treated to an ass shot) Mm! Maybe he makes his money on merchandise. Dude's got the DOA brand plastered on everything. You can make this a drinking game, everytime you see DOA on something, take a shot. He's got DOA parachutes, DOA volleyballs, DOA volleyball nets, DOA kung-fu practice thingies, DOA security cameras. This guy's bigger in the moichandising than the fucking Spaceballs. (Now a clip with Yogurt showing off Spaceballs the Flamethrower!)
(Kasumi's talking to Donovan)
Kasumi: I came to find my brother. I have been told he died last year at DOA.
Donovan: Your brother was a great and noble fighter. He met his end with dignity. Hayate fell from this very balcony. We never found his body.
Spoony (vo): Uh, you buy that?
(Suddenly Bass kicks in the door to Tina's room)
Bass: Tina, it's showtime!
(And she's in bed with Christie)
Tina: Not now! I'm in my underwear!
Spoony: Oh my god!
Bass: Oh my god!
Tina: No, dad, she's just another fighter. We're just sleeping together.
Bass: Yeah, I can see that.
Spoony (vo): Diesel decides to wait for a slightly less awkward time to have a fight, like when she and Kasumi are out on a lake and Kasumi's giving her a massage and some ninja accupuncture. Because they're such good friends up to this point. And have exchanged precisely ZERO lines of dialogue in this movie!
Spoony: Can these people start fighting now, please? Cause I really don't remember massages being a part of Dead--
(We're treated to the volleyball game again as Kasumi gives Ayane a massage)
Spoony (vo): Oh...yeah...Um, moving on. (back to the movie) So Kevin Nash goes to fight Tina, and being a 300 lb. 7' giant trying to wrestle on an unstable raft, it goes about as well as you'd expect. (Tina dropkicks Bass into the lake) Yeah, should've busted out the Jacknife Powerbomb there, Kev.
(Bass comes out of the water with a thumbs up for Tina as she cheers)
Spoony (vo): Later the girls get together for some friendly beach volleyball. It's a good thing Kasumi brought her ninja bikini with her. (Kasumi spikes the ball onto Helena and Christie's side, bringing the score up 4-3, then fist bumping Tina) And being raised in a Japanese ninja monastery, of course she knows how to play volleyball.
Spoony: I'd make a reference to the gay volleyball scene in Top Gun, but "Playing With The Boys" doesn't really work here. What's the lesbian equivalent of Kenny Loggins? Damn it, I got nothing.
Spoony (vo): While Donovan is occupied watching the volleyball--and really, can you blame the guy?--Kasumi sends Hayabusa into the compound to go looking for her brother. Yeah, I said Hayabusa as in Ryu Hayabusa, the hero of Ninja Gaiden. (Pictures of him from the games in the ninja outfit is shown) He's actually a main character in the DOA series. Just think about that. The DOA series is canon with Ninja Gaiden.
Spoony: I'm not kidding! Look it up! Ayane?
(Clip of her in a bikini)
Spoony (vo): In Ninja Gaiden. Heh. She's a ninja.
Spoony (vo): Anyway, Ryu quietly sneaks into Donovan's fortress. (By sneaking, he means "beating up every guard along the way" Spoony shouts sarcastically over the "sneakiness") As a ninja, he's a master of stealth and infiltration! (One guy goes over the rail letting out a Wilhelm scream) He finds Donovan's secret lab, aaand immediately gets caught by a Scooby-Doo sliding wall. Oh, this is going too slow, lemme see if I can sum up the second act of the movie here a little faster. Okay, (Zach's talking to Tina in a hot tub) sexy wet chick, (Kasumi in her own hot tub but with flower petals in hers) sexy wet chick, (back to Tina) sexy wet chick. (Kasumi and Ayane are now fighting) Fighting, (Christie and Max are now in bed together) sexy naked chick, (Kasumi goes through a wall in her room) fighting, (Christie and Helena are now about to fight in the rain) and sexy wet chicks. (One of the shots pans over Helena's ass) Oh Jesus, haha!
(It's too much for the poor ass counter that it blows up! As for the counter that shows up, some examples are 4304, 58008, 707582, 3.14159265, Obey Insano, 6.626068 x10^-34, 4 8 15 16 23 42)
Spoony (vo): Okay, dumb story short, the girls go looking for Ryu, find Donovan's secret lab, then we cut to Helena fighting a bunch of ninjas. And then the ladies wake up in...tanning booths? That's when Donovan reveals his ultimate plan.
Donovan: Now that I have your attention, let me introduce you to...the future.
(A podium rises up holding a pair of sunglasses)
Spoony (vo): Oh no, it's, it's...a pair of sunglasses? That's it?
Donovan: It's time to harvest.
(Donovan puts the sunglasses on as a red light beeps on the bridge. Alarms are going off in the cave Helena's in. Donovan is then surrounded in red light, looking up)
The Guardian (from Highlander: The Source) (audio): The Quickening!
(The pods that the girls and Hayabusa are in turn red and they're in pain)
Spoony (vo): Heh, looks like the press screening I went to for that Speed Racer movie. Donovan downloads all the combat data from the nanobots onto his sunglasses, which allows him to predict their movements. Because wearing sunglasses in the middle of a martial arts battle is totally sensible. To prove the effectiveness of his super sunglasses, he reveals he's kidnapped Kasumi's brother, who won the last DOA, and uses his new prediction powers to kick his ass through a stone wall a foot thick to his death. But luckily Ayane is right there to save him. It's a good thing she was wandering past that one area for no particular reason.
Donovan: Buyers from around the world, I hope you enjoyed this live demonstration of the sheer power of this new technology. Thank you for your down payments.
(A progress bar is on the computer to show how soon he'll get the money from various crime lords)
Weatherby: I have to stop him.
(He then begins typing rapidly onto the keyboard in an INTENSE COMPUTOR HACKING MONTAGE!!)
Spoony (vo): And get this. The nerd decides the best way to stop Donovan is to literally go to the CIA website and e-mail them about what Donovan is doing. And it works. He emails...the CIA. (On Donovan's screen, the words CIA ALERTED flash as the buyers back out and take their money with them) And they get on this within like a minute.
Spoony: Oh yeah, yeah, I'm sure the CIA about a supervillain selling sunglasses on the black market that teaches you martial arts and made that shit priority number one. I mean, Al-Qaeda? That's not going anywhere.
(Weatherby's got a few keys sticking to his head after Donovan smacked his head into the keyboard)
Spoony (vo): This madman and his sunglasses must be stopped.
Spoony: Okay, seriously, just answer this one for me. Why does Donovan even need to sell these sunglasses? It's not like he needs the money.
Spoony (vo): He owns a tropical island and runs a tournament in which he just gives away $10 million a year, and surrounds himself with hot chicks every single day of his life. Does that sound like a guy who needs to sell fucking sunglasses? Why would he jeopardize all that comitting kidnap and murder?
Spoony: Hell, why bother with all the subterfuge and fake tournament thing? If you really wanna get fighting data from martial artists, you could always, I dunno, tell the truth? Just offer to pay the world's greatest martial artists a million dollars to come to your island, get an injection and spar with each other all day. I mean is anyone likely to care? At that point, it's not even illegal. Just patent the shit and sell it at Best Buy. You don't need to be a fucking supervillain about this.
Spoony (vo): Well, now that the CIA is onto him, Donovan activates his DOA self destruct. Because he rigged his own house to explode. Don't you?
Lee Chaolan: Aaaaahhhh! I'll never give it up! Not to anyone! Uuuggghhh!!
(Weatherby tries to abort the countdown, but he can't)
Weatherby: Oh no.
Spoony (vo): Oh no, I can't hack that with my computor because it says I can't. Whew, it's a good thing Dovan's shades allow him to predict the movements of three women simultaneously attacking him with ladders and swinging off ropes or he'd be in trouble.
(Christie swings off a chain to kick Donovan onto the balcony, making the shades fall off his face and over the rail)
Spoony (vo): Oh damn! If only my super shades had come with one of those strap thingies you get for free at Sunglass Hut. It would have been the ultimate weapon! (Kasumi sticks a needle into the back of Donovan's neck, paralyzing him) And just like that, Donovan's plans are foiled and thanks to some ninja accupuncture, he's killed when the building explodes as our heroes jump away just in time inexplicably surviving the 30' drop into the ocean.
(Tina is on a raft when the Pirates led by Captain Liu Kang come around. The captain turns her around, only to see she's very much awake)
(And he gets punched in the face as we get wah-wah horns)
Spoony: But you know what's really crazy? This movie, it's just about perfect. No, really.
(Clips of the volleyball game are shown)
Spoony (vo): The DOA games are a blatant, shameless, brainless excuse to see big breasted babes hang out on the beach, play volleyball, touch each other sexually, (now from DOA4) and occasionally kick each other through walls.
Spoony: Well, guess what? They fucking nailed that! What the fuck did you expect from a DOA movie? It's retarded, yeah, but at least they got it right! And believe me, for most movies based on tournament fighters, even getting that much is a pretty tall order.
(He then gets up out of his chair as we go to credits, sung by Bandit Keith to the tune of "American Woman")
American Movie/It's called DOA
American Spoony/He's never gonna get laid
I'll break your back and humble you/Just like the Iron Sheik would do
Now Spoony/Get away from me
American Spoony/Let Tina Armstrong be
Keith: In America!
(One last clip of the volleyball game as Tina floats on an inflatable whale in the pool)
Tina: You know, this place is kinda cool!