And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Deadpool."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
SPOILERS! This is a prequel to "Wolverine: Origins."
There's this guy named Jason Lee if he worked out every day.
And he's an assassin for teenage girls who have a lot of money!
A...very broad market.
But he falls in love with a prostitute while playing Skee-Ball.
Yes, that old cliche.
But he suddenly finds out he has cancer!
I had cancer once!
There is no way I can make a joke that won't offend somebody, so I will just move on.
So, he does what any man in his position would do.
Leaves his girlfriend behind, donates his body to mad scientists, subjects himself to a life of torture, and all in the name of becoming a superhero!
God, it's like this guy read my biography.
So, muscle-bound Jason Lee is really upset.
Because it turns out a guy named Francis lied to him!
They weren't making superheroes - they were making super slaves!
Well, that's the last time I agree to go with a person who says he can cure cancer and make me a superhero.
You can't fool me eight times! (holds up fingers)
But muscle-bound Jason Lee gets out of it by burning himself alive!
Often the answer I usually choose.
And he's out to get revenge as Deadpool!
The only problem is he looks like Freddy Krueger made love to an avocado.
Oh wait, they already made that joke.
He says he doesn't want his mouth sewn shut because it reminds him of "Wolverine: Origins"-- Wait, they made that joke too.
He wants to be sure not to be the next Green Lantern-- Wow, this is really hard!
When a movie makes so many fourth wall jokes, what can I say about it?
Ooh, I know! When it's not making fourth wall jokes, the movie is actually kinda boring.
Like, you know that Mark Wahlberg and Ice T. movie that you see advertised like every other weekend?
The one where they wear backwards hats and carry guns?
The plot to those movies is pretty much the plot to "Deadpool."
(The next few lines coincide with dramatic zoom-in shots like a movie trailer.)
He had a good life.
Until tragedy struck.
And he made the wrong choices.
Now, one man is out for revenge.
But they kidnapped his girl.
So, he's gonna have to break the rules.
(Camera is back to normal) Yeah, you know, the trailer to those movies you never see? That's it.
But when he does make fourth wall jokes, it's really funny!
It's like watching Bugs Bunny in "Training Day" or something.
Oh, and one and a half X-Men are in it!
But seeing how it's the only X-Men character ever that actually looks 100% and acts 100% like an X-Men character, that technically makes this the best X-Men movie ever.
And their names are Colossus and some girl I've never heard of before.
But she can blow up!
So, I think her name was Sponteeneous Combustion. (pauses, then snickers) I worked on that in the walk from the theater.
That was a fun 20 miles.
So, Deadpool is staying with a blind lady who everybody is gonna think is Uhura but isn't.
And he calls on the help of the one and a half X-Men to get his girlfriend back!
And Deadpool is like, "Let's make literally one chimichanga joke and kick some ass!"
And Colossus is like, (in Russian accent) "How come only you can make the fourth wall jokes but we don't catch on to 'em?"
"Because I'm the only fictional character who knows he's a fictional character!"
"Nobody cares because I'm funny and I do a lot of gory stuff!"
"You're what every 13-year old boy thinks he can be."
"Except with an army of writers!"
"And the ability to dub in better jokes in case they think of them later."
(out of sync) "Yes, you couldn't do that if I wasn't wearing the mask."
So, Deadpool has Francis in his clutches.
But Colossus is like, (wagging finger) "You can't do that! I'm going to talk about what it means to be a real hero, and I'm gonna go on and on even though the entire audience has already guessed the joke, and they're just waiting for you to pull the trig-- (Chester fires off his finger gun) Thank you. Now I'm gonna see if they keep me Russian in 'X-Men: Apocalypse."
So, Deadpool meets up with his girlfriend and he's like, "I know I'm really ugly and you're really beautiful, but I'm kinda hoping we can do that early 2000's sitcom thing where the really hot chick gets together with the unattractive guy?"
"I think if we wanna give our main demographic any hope, we better."
"End on an in-joke?"
"End on an in-joke."
"I'm Ferris Bueller and Cable's gonna be in the next movie!"
So, "Deadpool" was a lot of fun. I especially liked the parts where he looked right into the camera and talked to the people.
But isn't it kind of distracting when he does that?
I mean, doesn't it just draw more attention to the fact that he's a fictional character?
Doesn't that make it so friggin' obvious that the illusion is just totally shattered?
This is Chester A. Bum saying...
(Doug breaks character and speaks in his normal voice.)
I have a Nostalgia Critic to shoot. (He walks away while removing his wig.)
(Cut to end card, then Doug walking by putting on his glasses)
No, no closing line. I have work to do.