Digimon the Movie
July 3, 2012
(The Critic is grumpily typing at his computer when he finds several emails of fans requesting him to review Digimon, which he then groans at and drags to his "Digimon Requests" file, which are up to 1,145. He then sits back in his chair and addresses the audience.)
NC: What's with you people? I didn't watch Digimon growing up. I-I was in college for God's sake! I didn't even watch Pokemon! "Oh Pikachu, Pikachu!" FUCK THAT SHIT! ...And yet SO many people are like "Oh, do Digimon! Oh, do Digimon!" No seriously. That's how some emails go! Look. (Shows the email as he reads it with a normal voice) "Do Digimon! Do Digimon! *waves arms in girly fashion and squeaks in high pitch pussy voice." What am I supposed to say about a show that I don't know slash care anything about, and yet everybody is asking me to do it? There's only one person who can help me out with this.
(We then hear the Batman movie theme begin as the Critic presses a remote control to activiate a spotlight that says "JO" on it and looks to the side)
NC: Goddamit, there's no clouds out! When the hell would that ever happen?
(The Next Day)
(He then tries again with the remote)
NC: Goddamn it, it's durring the day! TAP-DANCING CRAP! (he throws the remote onto the ground, breaking it)
(The Next Day)
(He tries one more time with the now taped up remote and the spotlight is now successfully shining in the night sky. Critic's phone suddenly rings)
NC: The time has come.
Angry Joe: Are we invading another micronation?
NC: GODDAMNIT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Joe: It-It says "Joe" in the sky.
NC: No it doesn't. It says "J-O!"
Joe: Yeah. That spells Joe.
NC: Fuck it. Do you have JesuOtaku's number?
NC: Can you text it to me?
Joe: Not until I get a Joe signal in the sky!
Joe (vo): I deserve a Joe signal, Critic!
(Cut to JesuOtaku combing her Kyubei doll)
JO: Oh, Kyubei. Someday we'll rule this world together. We just need to fix your ears first. (Phone rings with a Fullmetal Alchemist ringtone) Hello?
NC: Hey, uh, look outside.
JO: (does so) Uh, yeah?
NC: You see that incredibly expensive spotlight being pointed in the sky?
JO: Uh, yeah! I thought that was for AngryJoe, actually.
NC: I'm doing Digimon! Do you want to help or not?
JO: Oh, Critic! You can't come into a show like Digimon and expect to properly represent it. You need to have grown up with it, seen a good majority of the episodes, have a good connection to the fan community that you obviously do not have, so yeah, this is far out of your league even with my help.
NC: Well if that's the way it has to be...
JO: Now the movie on the other hand.
(NC's smile drops as the Digimon theme plays with clips of the movie)
NC (vo): But wait. I thought in order to talk about the movie, I have to know about the show, right?
JO (vo): Well, technically, this movie claims you can come into it without knowing anything about the show or the franchise. They say they explain everything to new viewers.
NC (vo): Do they?
JO (vo): No, but that's one of the reasons this sucks so much. It's actually three films with completely different plots and settings smashed together into one with only Smash Mouth songs and bad puns holding it together.
NC (vo): So even fans of the show didn't like this movie?
JO (vo): For the most part.
NC: (sarcastically) Oh, joy bunnies!
JO: So let's not waste any time.
NC: Really, because I'm quite content with wasting time.
JO: Let's take a look at this elephant dookie that is the Digimon Movie.
JO (vo): So we open on...
(We then cut to the Angela Anaconda short that plays before the movie)
Angela Anaconda: This is it, Digi-pals!
JO (vo): Oh, fuck me! I forgot about this part...
NC (vo): What the FUCK is that?! God, those Digimon are even more hideous than I imagined!
JO (vo): No, no. This isn't Digimon. That's "Angela Anaconda".
NC (vo): Boy, I thought Japanese animation would be a little better than this.
JO (vo): Well, it's not exactly the movie. "Angela Anaconda" was owned by Fox as well. They wanted to promote two turds with one bomb. Wasn't just shown in theaters for a quick gag, either. It kicks off every copy of the movie. This is seriously part of the flick. This is their best foot forward, people.
NC (vo): It's like an extreme night terror if you passed out drinking moonshine while watching Terry Gilliam cartoons!
Angela: Oh, so Mrs. Brinks and Ninny-Poo think they can block the Digimon show with their big, fat, Digimon blocking heads, do they? Angela Anaconda Digivolve to Angelamon!
NC (vo): My God, it's still going!
JO (vo): Goes on for four minutes. You know, at least the Pokemon movie didn't open with the Biker Mice from Mars racing in to watch the movie on the big screen.
NC (vo): What's next? Spongebob racing in to watch The Last Airbender?
(Cut to Spongebob, Sandy, and Patrick watching the live-action Last Airbender movie in a movie theater. In this case, the earthbending scene)
NC (as Spongebob): Boy, Shyamalan needs to throw in the towel.
JO (as Sandy): I thought there were blue cats in this.
NC: So when does the movie actually start?
(The movie finally begins. The text "Worst Thing Imaginable Approaching" suddenly appears along with sirens)
JO: (wearing a pillow and strainer as armor) Too late!
(The opening credits play with Digi-Rap playing)
DigiRap: The Digivolution is up and running! Digi See! Digi Hear, Digi Know it was coming?
NC: What the country-fried Christ crackers?
NC: (vo): Is that a... DigiRap?
JO: (still hiding behind the pillow) Don't look or listen to it, your brain'll fall out!
DigiRap: With DigiWill and Digivice in hand, there's a DigiDynamic force in DigiLand!
(NC is quite stunned, head tilted to the side as his brain proceeds to fall out of his head like JO warned him)
NC (vo): Yes, this is especially bad, in how cheap and corporate pandering it is, even for a children's anime, and that's saying a lot!
Digi-Rap: The DigiDudes will DigiRule with DigiAbility and Digitude.
JO (vo): You know, I don't think the rapper from Friday here has said Digi enough times. Nah, stick digi onto more words, it'll be funny. We know what we're doing, we're Fox producers!
NC (mocking the rap) It's DigiForced and DigiContrived, no DigiBrain cells will be left alive!
NC: There's no doubt about it, this is simply embarrassing. Why couldn't they put a more dignified rap in there?
(The DigiRap is now replaced with "Pig Power in the House" )
NC: (squeeing) Oh yeah! (he dances along to it)
(The opening credits end)
NC (vo): Thus, we get our first scene of the movie.
Kari (narrating): Who says there's no such thing as monsters?
(The opening scene is of Greymon battling Parrotmon in the city)
NC (vo): And I'm lost. Didn't take you long, did it, film?
JO (vo): No no, it's okay. This is just a flashforward into what you're about to see.
NC (vo): Oh, so they're showing us what's going to happen like near the end of the movie?
JO (vo): Actually, more like the first ten minutes. This whole scene is pretty pointless, seeing as how we're going to see it again in just a few moments.
NC (vo): Maybe they figured the target audience would walk out if SOME violence didn't happen in the first few seconds.
JO (vo): But after that, we're introduced to Kari, the resident Mary Sue and younger sister of the show's lead character, Tai. Not that you'd know that. This movie's not kind to the uninitiated.
NC (vo): And yet oddly enough, they never shut the hell up.
Kari (narrating): I was right. It was our first Digi-Egg, and on the other side of the world, Willis was getting his Digi-Egg at the exact same time.
NC (vo): The human squeak toy talks on and on throughout the movie shouting exposition, and yet I still have no idea what's going on!
Kari (narrating): I'm part of a team called the Digi-Destined. There were only a handful of us at first, but we've added a few members since then. (clips of Willis are shown) That's Willis in America. His digital adventure, as well as ours, began that night 8 years ago.
NC (vo): Who the fuck is Willis? They keep talking about him, but he's apparently over in America while this takes place in Japan!
JO (vo): Oh trust me, we'll get to that.
NC (vo): (flatly) Joy. (normal voice) So Kari tells the audience that 8 years ago, their computer dropped them off a delivery of spam and eggs. She and her brother are confused by the alien egg, but decide to take care of it while their mother is out.
Tai: If anybody asks where that weird looking egg came from, let's tell them our chicken coop is on a nuclear waste dump.
JO (vo): One problem this movie and the tv show unfortunately share is their propensity for bad jokes. Not just unfunny jokes, but ones that don't make any sense when you start to think about them. Some are so bad they created plot holes in the story.
Yuuko: I'll make three-bean salad.
Tai: Nobody's coming over, mom.
Yuuko: That's all right, I had two beans anyway.
JO: (forced laugh) Ha ha ha ha.
(The Digi-Egg begins to hatch)
Tai: I-it's alive!
JO (vo): The egg suddenly hatches revealling...
Kari: My name is Kari. Kari.
Koromon: You two are the best friend's I ever had.
Kari: We're the only friends you've had.
(Koromon then latches onto Kari's face, and then Tai's)
NC (vo): Uh, I wouldn't find that face hugging too cute. (a clip from the chestburster scene from Alien is shown) The last person that happened to didn't turn out so well. (another digimon's face is placed on top of the chestburster's)
(Fatboy Slim's "The Rockafeller Skank" is played as we get into shenanigans)
JO (vo): Yeah, you may notice this movie has an eclectic soundtrack.
JO: Entirely inappropriate in every scene, but eclectic.
JO: (vo) I like to play late 90s bingo with it.
(The song plays again)
JO: Ooh! (taking out a bingo card)
JO and NC: (marking down their bingo cards) Fatboy Slim!
JO (vo): After several cutesy minutes with...terrible jokes.
Tai: It can't get any worse! (Koromon then poops on the floor) It just got worse.
JO: (forced laugh) Ha ha ha ha.
JO (vo): An electrical storm blows through the city, causing everything to go haywire, and the kids' digimon friend to put on his "srs bizness" face...entirely new face in fact.
Kari: (narrating) Know that this Koromon isn't the one we'll be friends with later on.
NC (vo): So he goes through the natural evolution from tiny bunny rabbit into... (The blanket falls off, revealing Agumon) human-sized dinosaur???
Charles Darwin: Uh... No.
JO (vo): Well, let me explain. Digimon are supposed to be living packets of data, so the bigger the packet, like kilobytes, megabytes, gigabytes, etcetera, the bigger the monster. And they become stronger by eating, learning, bonding with organic lifeforms, specifically human children.
NC (vo): So, it's a tamagotchi? (a picture of a tamagotchi is shown)
JO (vo): Yeah, a tamagotchi that kicks ASS!
Agumon: (jumps down onto a car in a parking lot) Pepper Flame! (and shoots out a fireball that blows up a phone booth)
NC: My gigapet never did that, I just usually let it die.
JO: (happy) This is why the show was awesome!
(Parrotmon flies by Tai)
Tai: Polly wanna cracker? A really BIG cracker?
JO: (brought down) Aaand that's why this movie sucks.
NC (vo): So Baloney the Dinosaur dukes it out with a giant parrot...that just seems to pop the fuck out of nowhere, while the kids cower underneath him. (Greymon and Parrotmon continue to fight) Okay, I'll have to admit, the animation in this fight is a lot of fun to watch. In fact, I'd even say it's pretty damn impressive.
JO (vo): Yeah, most of the footage they cut together to make this movie was directed by Mamoru Hosoda, (a picture of him shows) a unique and talented anime director who later went on to direct "The Girl Who Lept Through Time" and "Summer Wars." His Digimon work was really excellent, and even in this choppy American recut, a lot of the sweetness and emotion of the original shines through...
NC: Are you gonna go on about this for a few hours?
JO: ...Uh, I usually do.
NC: Sorry, my review. Crappy movie first, boring anime bullshit later?
JO: (excited) Later?
NC: As in never.
JO: (sad) Ohh...
NC (vo): So the two fight and eventually, the dinosaur wins.
(Parrotmon is blasted hard enough that nothing is left of him, though not without taking out Greymon as well)
John Cleese: Now that's what I call a dead parrot!
Kari: (narrating) It was a while before we realized those of us who saw what happened became the Digi-Destined. It was even longer before we found out Willis met his digimon that same night.
NC (vo): Okay, they mention this Willis kid again, but he's not anywhere in the friggin' movie so far. Why do they keep bringing him up?
JO (vo): Okay, remember when I said they used three different Digimon movies to make this one?
NC (vo): Let me guess, he's not in the other two movies they used, is he?
JO (vo): Yup! He's only in the last one. So to try and pretend they have a cohesive narrative, they...keep talking about him. It's annoying as fuck. Speaking of which, (speaking quickly as Four Years Later pops up on screen) flashforward-four-years-to-a-complely-different-plot-than-that-one, let's go let's go!
NC (vo): What? When did this movie become "Castaway?" (the earlier fight is shown) You mean this whole scene had nothing to do with---
JO (vo) What comes next? Nope! Or what comes after!
NC (vo): Then why did they show it?
JO (vo): Because it had a dinosaur fighting a parrot!
JO: (happy) How could you not show that!?
NC: Like this. (waves his hands)
JO (vo): So, four years later, we meet computer wiz and fan favorite, Izzy, farting about on the world wide web.
Izzy: Huh? Prodigious: a computer virus on the internet!
NC: (snickering) Wow! Prodigious: a hippie and a prius!
JO: Prodigious: Ben Kingsley in a bad movie!
NC: Prodigious: a thing that would obviously be in another thing!
JO: Prodigious: a balding internet reviewer who screams a lot!
NC: Prodigious: an anime fan who obviously takes herself way too seriously!
NC (vo): So this Kari girl narrates more about how there's a digimon egg online.
JO (vo): Digi-Egg.
NC (vo): Oh god, that's the official term?
JO (vo): I-it was cute! They call evolution "digivolving" too, and trinkets are called digivices.
NC (vo): Yeah, (a clip of Kid Icarus/Pit from "Captain N" is shown) and was it cute when Kid Icarus kept putting "-icus" at the end of every word, too?
Kid Icaurs/Pit: You can count on me to win the archery event, princess-icus!
JO (vo): No, but he didn't have a dinosaur fighting a parrot! Argument over! (NC groans) The Digi-Egg has been infected with a virus, and it's trying to destroy the real world network, which Tai doesn't have time to worry about, because he's trying to send an email to his crush, Sora, and the evil Digi-Egg won't let it go through! Oh, the horror!
Kari: I'm going to a birthday party! I got my friend a pink Power Ranger!
JO (vo): Ha ha, guess which company the company who dubbed this also owned..!
NC: Yogi Bear? (JO mouths "what?") ..I thought maybe the ranger went gay...
Tai: You try and tell a girl you're sorry and the computer shuts you down! (he falls off his chair, then we go to the next bit of musical bingo, Barenaked Ladies)
JO and NC: Barenaked Ladies! (both mark their cards)
JO: I'm going for diagonal.
JO (vo): One hour of movie to go! Izzy gets a hold of Tai and tells them they have to contact their friends in the digital world to stop the internet menace.
Gennai: It's been a long time!
Tai: Who else is there?
(A door opens and other digimon come out, calling their names out as they come in)
Digimon: Biyomon! Gabumon! Palmon! Patamon! Gomamon! Gatomon!
NC: You can collect them all in each McDonalds Happy Meal!
JO: Actually, I think Dairy Queen made the toys for this thing.
NC: You know this and you're not deeply ashamed?
JO: (ashamed) ...Never said I wasn't.
NC (vo): The kids send their digimon out to fight the virus; an orange dinosaur and an electric ladybug. And they pulverize it, but all they've done is made it an angry arachnid, who takes off to wipe out the electric devices of the real world. So they call the blond kid...
JO (vo): Matt.
NC (vo): And his little brother...
JO (vo): T.K.
NC (vo): Doesn't matter, I'm gonna forget 'em tomorrow anyway, who are on vacation to come back to the city and back 'em up.
(The next part of musical bingo, Less Than Jake, plays)
NC and JO: Less Than Jake!
NC: All I need is Savage Garden and the theme from "Titanic!"
JO (vo): Matt and T.K. send in their digimon, but the baddie digivolves to his most powerful Mega state, Diaboromon...which is totally supposed to be Diablomon, but in case it wasn't obvious, the folks who dubbed this movie are not terribly perceptive. Now they have a real fight on their hands.
Izzy: (straining) There's something wrong with me!
Tai: What is it?!
Izzy: I think it's your mother's recipes! (he's clutching his body as he runs to the bathroom)
Tai: I hate to say I told you so, but...I told you so!
NC (vo): Christ, there's more poop jokes in this movie than "The Phantom Menace"!
JO (vo): Actually, this one's a plot point.
NC (vo): (sarcastically) Oh good, because I really wanted the diarrhea to play a big part in the story..!
JO (vo): With Izzy out of the room, Tai...crashes the computer, like you do, cutting off his connection from the digimon.
Tai: (worried) Not a single call can get through! (the phone rings and he picks it up and speaks nonchalantly) Hello, this is Tai!
Infermon: (on phone) Hello! Did you program me? (Tai is scared, lowering the phone as Infermon laughs)
Tai: It's Infermon!
(And we get a clip from Spider-Man)
Green Goblin: (on phone) Can Spider-Man come out to play?
JO (vo): Tai tries to get help from his friends, but most of them are already preoccupied.
Yuuko: You got this postcard in the mail from Mimi!
Tai: She's on vacation? In Hawaii!? Ohh!
Mimi: I don't have a care in the world, and I'm wishing you were heeeere!
(Mimi laughs, then we cut to Tai making a disgusted face)
NC (vo): Um, never make that face again. It's like the face a pedophile makes when he hears they're renewing "Toddlers & Tiaras." (another shot of the face) Eew! Cut away from that!
Yuuko: Hi, Izzy! Welcome back!
NC (vo): So through a confusing bunch of exposition...er, maybe not confusing. Boring is a much better word. A whole bunch of shit is thrown at us about a digimon cloning himself, taking over all the phone lines, operating the computers of the world. Did I also mention he launches nuclear weapons on the side, too? We're not even halfway through this movie, and already they're throwing this shit at us! How are you gonna top nuclear weapons about to destroy the world?
JO (vo): Agreed. It would be a little better if they saved this for the climax of the film but...hey, it's got some good animation, it's a touch suspenseful!
NC (vo): (sarcastic) Oh yeah, there's so many characters I'm concerned about. Like (showing a girl on the computer) this girl I don't know, or, (Matt and T.K. are shown) these kids I just met. (Izzy and Tai are shown) And these two that do nothing but quote awkward puns! Oh yeah, I really wanna know what happens to them!
JO: Come on, you have to admit, it's a little bit exciting!
NC: Exciting? It's almost a half an hour of people doing nothing but (Tai and Izzy are at their computers) looking at their computer screen! That's really all that's going on! I mean, think about it. Is there anything more wasteful and useless than just look at your computer screen for almost a half hour?
(NC and JO look down, in embarassment, then we cut back to Koromon pooping, making them laugh)
NC (vo): So Diaboromon is defeated, the nuclear bombs are deactivated and conveniently don't land on any civilians, and clearly, most important of all, Tai gets his email to his lovely ladyfriend.
Sora: (reading) "So what's a few raindrops between friends? Love, Tai."
NC: Aww, I bet they make a cute couple. (JO begins crying, bawling her eyes out) Whoa, what'd I say?
JO: (crying) It would take to long to expla-a-a-ain!
NC: Yeesh. Uh, we better take a break here. We'll be back in a minute. (as we fade out, NC whispers) See what Digimon does to people?
JO: (still crying) They were supposed to be together! Stupid 02 epilogue!
(We go to commercial)
NC: You good?
JO: (she has mascara running down her cheeks as she wipes her nose, still sad) I'll be fine.
NC: You weren't even wearing mascara! How is it running?
JO: (confused) I don't know!
JO (vo): So, third story. Oh my god, 30 minutes to go.
NC (vo): Why do you keep mentioning the time anyway?
JO (vo): That's one of the reasons the movie is so terrible. It has no arc, no connection between the three stories. You could pop on the movie at any point and have no idea if you're in the first act, or near the climax, or the resolution. Just bu-bu-bu-bu-bu. It's just a bunch of a series of vignettes with no point. Well, one point, I guess. "Make money! Make money for Fox Kids!"
Kari (narrating): Yolei and Poromon can match wits with the best of them, as well as tanlines. (an arrow pointing to Poromon saying "Angry Bird?") And there's Davis and DemiVeemon. Yeah, I know. Davis looks a lot like my brother, Tai.
NC: We blame lazy character design for that.
JO (vo): Tai (It's actually T.K.) and Kari are in New York because, well, really, if we can't stay in the same story for five minutes, why should we stay in the same location? And they come across Willis.
NC (vo): Hey, he finally has a point in this movie!
JO (vo): Well, kinda...ish.
(Staring down Willis is Kokomon)
Willis: Kokomon, this has to stop!
(Terriermon dives at Kokomon, the two fighting)
NC (vo): You know, I'm glad they jumped right into the fight sequence instead of, oh, I don't know, develop this Willis kid they've been building up for the past hour. Who wants to care about who's fighting when when we could just jump straight to the fighting itself?
(Kokomon and Terriermon continue fighting)
NC (vo): So the American rabbit and the muppet minstrel show have a little fight until the big one disappears.
JO (vo): They call the other cast members down to Colorado, who, if you don't know the show, have no idea who most of these kids are.
JO: Right, Critic?
NC: Is that the (pointing at Cody) California kid from the Wizard?
JO: My point exactly.
(Jimmy from the Wizard's "California!" is played over Cody speaking)
JO (vo): But Kokomon appears and the digimon digivolve to fight him.
DemiVeemon: DemiVeemon digivolve into...(digivolving into Veemon) Veemon!
(Then he digivolves into Flamedramon)
Narrator: Flamedramon: the fire of courage!
NC (vo): So, in their world, do text always appear behind them like Scott Pilgrim? Or for that matter, does every digimon get a narrator to announce their name whenever they do this?
Narrator: Raidramon: the storm of friendship!
NC (vo): Would that get old after awhile?
(NC opens the fridge, a narrator saying every action NC does)
Narrator: Critic opens refridgerator! (he takes out a gallon of milk) Critic drinks milk! (He looks at where the narrator would be) Critic gives incredibly annoyed look! (he walks offscreen) Critic walks offscreen! Critic kicks the narrator in the balls! (a loud crack is heard, the narrator now speaking in a higher pitch) And the narrator feels incredible pain!
NC (vo): And I'm not gonna lie, this is pretty much the rest of the movie. Just pointless fighting with really no purpose at all.
JO (vo, speaking like Kokomon): The first act has no purpose. You WILL connect it to the plot!
Terriermon: Terriermon, digivolve to...(digivolved to Gargomon) Gargomon!
NC (vo): Even the Pokémon movie at least had a moral. And, okay, it was bullshit and it made no sense, but at least it was trying to have a point! This all seems entirely useless! Oh, wait, I take it back, there's a quick backstory about where Kokomon came from. But it goes by so fast, you almost miss it.
Willis. Eight years ago, a Digi-Egg came out of my computer and it hatched into twin digimon: Terriermon and Kokomon. I finally had someone to play with. My very own pets and they talked, too! It was the best. Before my Digi-Egg could hatch, it was attacked by a virus, and it mutated into Diaboromon.
NC (vo): God, the pacing in this movie is awful! That should have been, like, a big dramatic reveal if it took its time, developed some character, or at least slow down for a minute.
JO (vo): But even the backstory seems half-assed with the plot being so rushed, and there being no time to have the audience absorb what's going on. It's sort of like a story as complicated as Harry Potter was being given the same treatment.
(Harry Potter pictures are shown as NC and JO sum it up quickly)
NC: (speaking quickly) Harry Potter had a family, but he didn't like them, but it's okay because he's going to a school where others like him, and there's magic, and he's magic too. But there's a bad teacher who it turns out isn't bad, but then it turns out he is bad, but then it turns out that he isn't bad, maybe.
JO: (speaking the same way) There's also a bunch of bad kids and a bad guy with no nose and they're really evil, except for they might be good, except for one student who might be good, and there's also a teacher who might be good, might be evil, not entirely sure, and they all lived in three books pointlessly stretched out to seven, ever after.
NC: Actually, maybe that would be better.
NC (vo): Hell, even the emotional reactions are incredibly rushed! Look!
Willis: What's the matter with you?
Davis: (crying) That's the saddest story I ever hea-a-a-ard!
Willis: I'm the one with the problem, not you. (picking up Davis's goggles) Get over it.
Davis: (right back to happy) Okay!
NC (vo) I DIDN'T EDIT THAT! I swear to god, I did not edit that scene at all! That's really how it's played! That is the real pacing of that moment!
JO: Oh come on Critic, be fair. I'm sure some emotional issues can be resolved that well. You just have to be mature...
NC: Oh yeah? Get over that whole Tai and his ladyfriend thing!
JO: ...Right. Fine, then I will!
(NC raises an eyebrow, JO tries to remain calm, but eventually breaks down crying)
NC: That's what I thought.
JO: (crying) She was supposed to be with Tai! T.K. and Kari were supposed to have cute little perfect babies! Fuck 02 in the eyesocket!
NC (vo): What follows is fighting...and fighting...(bored) and more fighting. God, I've never seen so much action be so boring. I mean, there's a rabbit with machine guns for hands! How do you make that boring!? HOW!?
Angemon: Come on, we have to digivolve to our Mega forms so we can release the golden Digi-Egg! Angemon, digivolve to...(digivolving to Seraphimon) Seraphimon!
Angewoman: Angewoman, digivolve to...(digivolving to Magnadramon) Magnadramon!
(JO squees like the fangirl she is)
NC: The hell?
JO: I'm sorry! I squeed!
NC: You squeed? You squeed for something in this movie?
JO: No-no-no-no, it's just, like, okay, Patomon and Gatomon never achieved Mega level in the show before, along with several other of the digimon, but that's not the point right now. And it, it's just so rare to see, and it looks so cool! And eeeeeee!!
NC: Cool? It's a Burger King Kids Club chess piece and a My Little Pony version of Falkor!
JO: (still fangirling) Seraphimon, carry me away in your big man angel arms! I wanna huuuug iiiiitttt!
NC: You need digi-medication.
JO (vo): But in an exciting, if not kind of confusing climax, Kokomon somehow takes them...back in time.
NC (vo): He can do that now?
JO (vo): I'm not questioning it. To a point when the virus that infected him was at a weaker state. So they use their digipowers to defeat the virus and Kokomon returns back to his normal form.
Willis: I guess without the virus, Kokomon couldn't heal himself anymore. The battle was too much for him.
Davis: Don't be sad, Willis. One thing you have to learn about digimon is they never really die.
NC: As long as there's someone around to buy our shit, we'll never disappear!
(A Digi-Egg washes up on the beach)
Kari: (narrating) Like I said, Willis learned about teamwork the hard way.
NC (vo): He did?
Kari (narrating): He also found out that Davis was right. Digimon never really die, their information just gets reconfigured, only sometimes they come back singing a different tune.
(Kokomon is singing, as the last bit of musical bingo comes on)
Both: Smash Mouth!
NC: Damn it!
JO: Yes, what did I win?
NC: The everlasting shame that you watched this movie!
JO: (dejected) Oooh...
(Clips of the movie play as the closing notes are said)
NC (vo): What a piece of cockadick! I know nothing about this show, and this movie didn't do anything to fix that! All it did was turn me off to it even more! They say it was three movies spliced together, and you know what, I believe it! There is no care about what happens to these characters, or if the story makes any sense whatsoever!
JO (vo): Let me make this clear. I loved Digimon, flaws and corniness and all. There was a passion and sincerity to the TV series, even the English language version that surpassed any expectations for a marketing vehicle that existed. The production team was told to promote toys, and they made a moving, charming story that the fans still fondly remember today. But this? The purest and most obnoxious of cash-ins that takes the worst aspects of the show and blows them up tenfold in the hopes of making a quick buck for Fox. It's hilarious, it's embarrassing, it's...pretty much unwatchable.
JO: Ugh. The impact this movie has made on the Digimon franchise and it's...not-so-great reputation has made me so upset that I can't sleep tonight. And if I can't sleep tonight, (devious grin) nobody can! (she reaches offscreen to pull a lever that turns the JO signal into that face of Tai from before, making NC cringe in disgust, finally getting to our ending credits)
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Angry Joe: I deserve a Joe signal, Critic!