(We do the opening, then come to Nash in his room)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. You know, there's one thing I think we all have in common. Every now and then, we all feel a little industrious. Maybe you wanna fast your computer, but you don't wanna pay for one off the shelf, or maybe you wanna spruce up the house with some new carpet or some new paint. Or maybe your neighbor plays Lady Fucking Gaga into the middle of the night and you don't happen to have a grenade handy. So, in the spirit of self reliance, you build your own PC, you head on down to Sherwin Williams, or you fashion an explosive out of common household chemicals. In short, you do it yourself. Now most of the time, this works out pretty well. You save some cash, and you get a feeling of accomplishment in the process. Unfortunately, for every enterprising individual who takes the time and effort to properly read up on how to complete a task, there's just as many who try to reshingle their roof with nothing more than a rough sketch, an electric stapler, and a crudely fashioned catapault. So this week, we're looking at all the mayhem that happens when self reliance meets self delusion. This is the part where I elaborate with a cartoon I made all by myself. As if that wasn't readily obvious.
(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Do-It-Yourself")
(Stick Boy is looking at an apple tree, trying to get one by jumping)
Nash (vo): Back in olden days, humankind had no one to rely on but themselves. If you were hungry, your choices were starvation, or getting off your butt and doing something about it. But unlike other creatures, we soon learned to go about it in more efficient and effective ways. (Stick Boy has a lightbulb go off in his head) We began to manipulate objects in such a way that we made life easier on ourselves. (Stick Boy uses a stick to knock an apple off a tree. Then rumbling is heard) Though I'm sure there was some measure of trial and error. (a whole bushel of apples falls onto Stick Boy, burying him) Thus began the creation and crafting of items to tame our own environment. This eventually led to the Industrial Revolution, where more and more of our everyday products were produced, or repaired, by the hands of others. Yet even through all that, people have attempted to retain some skills which allowed them to build or maintain their own possessions. (Stick Boy is looking at a minivan) Of course, instead of doing the necessary study, (Stick Boy gets another lightbulb, then goes to a computer, looking up rocket cars) some would-be do-it-yourselfers have decided that ten minutes on Google is sufficient to do anything from spackling to nuclear physics. (The minivan now has a rocket on top) The results are usually far less than desirable and far more than hilarious. (A shot of Earth from orbit, followed by Stick Boy driving into space screaming)
Nash: You laugh, but, uh, that was my van. Actually that probably made you laugh harder, so eat a dick. Well, now that we've destroyed my car insurance rates, let's move on to our first self reliant ridiculousness. Lots of us like to make our own coffee, but the guy in this story decided that the best part of waking up, was two metric fucktons of caffeine in his cup.
(The report is titled "'Strong caffeine products should be banned' says grandmother of overdose victim")
Nash (vo): From Nottingham, 23-year old Michael Lee Bedford decided that the usual energy drinks just weren't cutting it. So he used caffeine to make his own. One that was equivalent to 70 cans of Red Bull.
Nash: You'd have to drink (pulling out a tower of energy drink bottles) this many energy drinks to get the same amount of caffeine as in that homemade concoction. What? (he looks at the tower of drinks, then back to the camera) I get sleepy. Don't judge me!
(Back to the report)
Nash (vo): Anyway, the drink was so powerful that Bedford died of an overdose, and now his grandmother is seeking to remove, quote, "strong caffeine products," from the market.
Nash: Okay, while I normally don't report on stories where people die...this one got my attention. Just because one person was a complete doofus who ignored the warning label doesn't mean everyone should pay the cost. Keep in mind this guy used enough caffeine packets, that he briefly gained the ability to see backward in time. That is clearly too much! You can't take every single potentially harmful thing out of the hands of people who would misuse them. If you could, they'd have taken Adobe Premiere away from the guys who made Skyline. Moving right along. One do-it-yourself project that everyone partakes in is holiday decorations, and the man in our story is no exception. He just did it naked.
(The report is titled "Sex Offender Caught Nude, Hanging Halloween Decorations")
Nash (vo): From Elyria, Ohio, 41-year old Matthew Trakas was making preparations for halloween. Except his balls were not made of popcorn. While setting up the ghosts and ghouls, he apparently showed two teenage girls his "little goblin," and has been arrested. Oh, and did I mention he was a registered sex offender? And that he lived across the street from a catholic school? Something tells me that after trick-or-treating at his house, checking the candy for razor blades would be the least of your worries.
(We cut to a scene from "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" where the kids are going over their candy)
Sally: Gee, I got a candy bar!
Kid 2 (someone else wanna fill that in?): Boy, I got fig cookies!
Lucy: Hey, I got a package of gum!
Charlie Brown: (pulls out a dildo instead) I got a cock.
(Back to the report)
Nash (vo): And of course, it gets worse. Listen to this. (Highlighting a passage) A neighbor stated, "he is very kid friendly, and that is weird for a single guy to be all by himself, I guess when you start breaking it down, it starts to look a little odd." (Highlighting another sentence) And also from the story, "Investigators concede he never should have been allowed in the neighborhood."
(The Price Is Right theme plays)
Nash: Congratulations, Elyria, Ohio, (a golden trophy appears) you've won this year's coveted "No Shit Sherlock" Award! (record scratch) What the fuck is wrong with you!? A registered sex offender living across the street from a catholic school! The only thing missing from the equation, is a complimentary bottle of chloroform! And, also, if you happen to be a registered sex offender, don't you think that possibly, probably, maybe you should put on a pair of dungarees the one day of the year children would be showing up at your doorstep!? Unless, of course, you were thinking you were going to give them your own special halloween treat, in which case I have the following advice for you: When your man sells you off to be someone else's bitch, make sure he holds out for TWO packs of cigarettes. It's good to have standards. Now, while we're on the subjects on all things that induce nausea, let's move onto New York where a man has attempted his own, homemade eHarmony. Except, stupid.
(The report is titled "
Nash: In a case of Cris-chan redux, 40-year old Malik Turner has been putting ads in payphones around the city imploring women to "come and get him." The ads are bizarrely specific, quote, "long, blonde-haired, big-chested, curvy, leggy, voluptuous (not fat) woman" to seek his affections.
Nash: Let's see, this is New York City, so if you put out an ad for someone like this, (showing a picture of a beautiful blonde woman (anyone wanna ID who she is?)) you're most likely going to be courted by someone like this.
(A clip of Jabba the Hutt with gag subtitles)
Jabba: Ah, me so horny! Me love you long time!
(A picture of the ads in question are shown)
Nash (vo): Oh, but we're not done yet. Turner lives with his mother who, upon him looking for love in all the wrong places, yelled, (a picture of Malik Turner is shown) "What did you do, Mo-lik? What did you do?"
Nash: Do I even need to ask what's wrong with this fella?
(Picture is shown again, but with a checklist rattling down what's wrong)
Nash (vo): 40-years old? Check! Lives with his mom? Check! Fanny pack reading I heart New York, (arrow pointing to the fanny pack) while living in New York City? Checkarooni!
Nash: It's like a fail monsoon. Look, meeting people can be difficult, I know this. But that doesn't mean you should take to the streets with hand-written, insanely demanding requests for your perfect mate. You couldn't have given off a more serial killer vibe if you had a bottle of lotion and a poodle! Next time, leave this sort of thing to the professionals. Be they the ones at Match.com, or the ones in the little white coats. And speaking of medical professionals, our next story is about a man who thought he could do a job better than the experts. Unfortunately, that job was driving an ambulance.
(The report is titled "Chicago man steals ambulance with paramedics in the back")
Nash (vo): From Chicago, Jimmy McCoy got a little impatient as EMTs prepared to take his ailing relative to the hospital. So, in probably the most misguided act of self reliance ever, McCoy took the wheel himself. Unfortunately, the police tend to frown on this sort of thing and stopped him with a blockade.
Nash: Okay, I can understand he really wanted to get his relative to the hospital. I do. However, EMTs are pros. They've been trained to get things from point A to point B in a big goddamn hurry! Your average schlub is not. Look, let's do the math here. This, (a picture of an ambulance) plus this, (a picture of a guy drinking beer out of a beer hat) equals this! (a clip is shown of an ambulance hitting a car and flipping around and then landing on its side)
Nash (vo): Oopsie doodle.
Nash: There are many things you can do just as well as a pro. You can fix a computer. Bake a cake. You can repanel your walls. You cannot pilot a 4-ton mobile triage unit at breakneck speed through city streets! There's a little more to it than just "go real fast." I know you've watched a whole bunch of NASCAR, but that doesn't make you qualified! And if the ambulance isn't going fast enough for your liking, why don't you just rummage the little drug cabinet in the back until you find something to calm your ass down! But things that should be relatively easy for anyone are made much more complicated when you throw in a heaping helping of weapons-grade stupid. From Fresno, California, we get a glimpse into homemade exterimation made easy. And also, on fire.
(The report is titled "Spider-hunter sets garage ablaze")
Nash (vo): One of the things I love about this story from the Fresno Bee is that they didn't give anyone's name. That's how stupid this is. An unnamed individual was attempting to deal with a nest of black widows in a garage, but instead of using those wussy pesticides, the decided course was "kill it with fire!" And, to be fair, the spiders are dead, but so is the garage.
Nash: And not just any fire. Oh no! A homemade open flame torch! The only thing that comination of words can produce is "shenanigans." Well, that and "third degree burns," but also "shenanigans." I think we know exactly where this notion came from. Don't we?
(A scene from Arachnophobia plays where Jeff Daniels' character lights a torch to burn spiders)
Nash: Yes, it's a case of dumbass see, dumbass do. It's a movie! You can't do that shit in the real world, I don't care what the fuck you saw on Youtube! Homemade torches are dangerous, look. (takes out a bottle of Lysol) You can't just take a canister of contents under pressure, (takes out a lighter and lights it) and expose it to an open flame and expect there to be anything but--(an explosion knocks him off his chair) Did not think that one through.
(Back to the report)
Nash (vo): Also of note here is that the fire, quote, "displaced five adults." That means there were five grown people involved. And not a one of them uttered a single protest of "fire bad!"
Nash: Look, I know black widows are creepy. I know exterminators are expensive. But this is one of those moments you need to realize if you're the sort of person who's going to cobble together a homemade flamethrower, you're also the sort of person who should not be doing it! Not everything can be solved with fire! (looks around) I can't believe I actually just said that! But really, don't let all this put you off learning things for yourself. Read a book. Take a class or two. maybe you could--
(We get interrupted by Arlo P. Arlo, whose dialogue is subtitled due to how he mumbles his words)
Arlo: And come on down for all your Do-It-Yourself needs!
Nash: Oh, fuck me!
Arlo: I'm Arlo P. Arlo of Imagineering Do-It-Yourself Services. And at IDS, if you want it, we make it! No questions asked!
Nash: (annoyed) Go away, Arlo.
Arlo: Now I know what you're saying: "Arlo, how is this possible?"
Nash: No, I said "go the fuck away!"
Arlo: Exactly! We squeeze only the freshest imagination from the brains of children to provide you with the best in home improvement!
Nash: No, I said...(realizes what he just said) Wait, what do you do to children?
Arlo: For example, many of you have expressed the need for an easy to use, all purpose everyday tool system. And who has a better tool system than the Doctor?
(Clips from Doctor Who showing assorted uses of the Sonic Screwdriver)
Arlo (vo): It unlocks! It solders! It fixes barbed wire!
Arlo: Presenting the all-new IDS Home Sonic Screwdriver!
Nash: That's a flathead hotglued to an electric toothbrush!
Arlo: Patent pending! This little beauty works on anything! Glass! (a youtube clip of someone having fallen through a glass table is rewound) Metal! (a broken windmill is rewound to functioning order) Brick! (a building that was demolished is rewound back to normal) It even cleans up messy plot holes in the shittiest of stories!
(A clip of Independence Day is shown. Whitmore is out of missiles and is asking for help. Arlo presses the screwdriver and Russel shows up with one)
Nash: (he takes out a dvd case of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones) Oh really?
Arlo: Whoa there, slow down! It can't work miracles!
Nash: Fair point. Look, please piss off! I'm right in the middle of--
Arlo: But that's not all! Every home handyman knows there's one true key to Do-It-Yourself! (he takes out a roll of duct tape)
Nash: It's duct tape, so what?
Arlo: This isn't just any duct tape! You see, one of the problems with duct tape is eventually it wears out and has to be re-taped over and over. But not anymore, with the forthcoming IDS Self-Replicating Duct Tape! Tape it once, and never again! Show 'em what we mean, Bobby! (A duct tape covered hand rises up as Bobby shouts something muffled, then it falls down) Okay, needs a little work.
Nash: Uh, is that guy dead?
Arlo: But your ol' pal Arlo done saved the best for last! What's the one thing every dedicated do it yourselfer needs but never has?
Nash: Right this moment? A ball gag.
Arlo: That's right! Another pair of hands! But that's okay, because now you never need to look for an assistant again! IDS presents all new for 2011...the Pocket Time Tunnel! (he has a smartphone in his hand) With the press of a single button, you can get all the help you need from the person most experienced with your project... (he presses a button and another Arlo appears) YOU!
Nash: Wait, what?
Arlo 1: You see, the Pocket Time Tunnel reaches out and yanks another version of you from the past into the present ready to assist you with all your personal projects! hello, Arlo!
Arlo 2: Hello Arlo!
Nash: Okay, wait, no. Haven't you ever seen Time Cop? Same matter cannot occupy the same space.
Arlo 1: What?
Arlo 2: What?
Nash: Okay, look, if you accidentally come into contact with one another, you can tear through the space-time continuum like Kirstie Alley tears through pantsuits!
Arlo 1: Now don't be silly! Here at IDS, we rigorously test each and every insane idea. Then we do it anyway.
Nash: Okay, yeah, but...wait a second.
Arlo 1: The Pocket Time Tunnel is perfectly safe! Watch!
(He touches Arlo 2, which ends up causing a rip in the space-time continuum that sends Nash screaming. Nash is now in the dinosaur era where a t-rex and triceratops are fighting each other in the background)
Nash: I guess that's all for this week. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else. (he clutches his hammer tightly)
(The closing credits play with Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" as the song)
Final quip: Why yes, I did take all those energy drinks at once. I can hear light.
(One last clip of Jabba the Hutt)
Jabba: My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard!