November 16th, 2009
(We start off in Linkara's usual room)
Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall where bad comics burn. So...Doom.
(A clip of the game are shown)
Linkara (vo): One of the earliest and most popular first person shooters from the early 90's.
90s Kid: Duuude, Doom is the best videogame ever made, ever! It really is the kind of game that makes you stop and think, especially about history. I never knew how hard it must've been for those space marines. Y'know, back during World War 2? Trying to fight the demons of Mars. Oh, dude. They could rock a gun like (throwing up the horns) no other!
Linkara: Unsurprisingly, there was a comic book about it. But this damn thing is one of the most impossible comics to locate! I still haven't found a copy! Linkara (vo): Published by id, the game's developers, the thing was only given out as a promotion at a game convention. As such, finding an actual physical copy of the thing is nearly impossible. It was apparently reprinted in a trade collection later, but I can't find that, either. I was half-convinced that the damn thing was an elaborate prank on me considering its rarity. But of course, even if that was the case, it still exists on digital form online. Just do a Google search for "Doom comic" and the first thing that'll come up is the actual Doom comic scanned online.
Linkara: I admit, I originally planned to not do this review. The thing's already infamous on the internet, I didn't think I had anything to add. But the people have spoken and requested it in droves, so let's dig into the Doom comic.
(And now we go to the theme song!)
(The cover of the comic is shown)
Linkara (vo): (reading the warning) "Consider yourself warned!! This book contains scenes of graphic violence!"
90s Kid: (throwing up double horns) Excellent!
Linkara (vo): So the cover depicts the space marine from Doom, well I think it's him anyway. (Clip of the game zooming in on the portrait) He doesn't exactly resemble the guy on the HUD interface. (back to the cover) He's supposed to be shooting this zombie and there are clearly shells firing out of his gun, but there aren't any movement lines showing the bullets shooting. "Knee Deep in the Dead"
Linkara: Well knee deep in the mud anyway.
(The Marine's shown punching through an imp)
Linkara (vo): We open to this bit of insanity.
Marine: Who's a man and a half? I'm a man and a half!
Linkara: I am a man! *punch* And a half! (he punches, but his fist gets stuck) Help! Help, I'm stuck!
Marine: There's nothing wrong with you that I can't fix...with my hands!
Linkara: (holding his hand out) I'm a respected neurosurgeon! Let's take a look at that spine!
Linkara (vo): Get used to this dialogue, folks, as well as me trying to do my best Ultimate Warrior voice. It's the only way to properly convey the wretched insanity that's unfolding before us. We see that the nameless space marine is standing over a pile of zombies and demons.
Marine: I'm cooking with gas!
Linkara: "You hear me, George Foreman? You're next!......Hoak Hogan!"
Marine: I'm a 12.0 on the 10.0 scale of badness!
Linkara (vo): Yeah, that's this comic in a nutshell.
Marine: Don't need a gun... Guns are for wusses!
(Linkara looks at his Magic Gun and sniffles before throwing it away before crying)
Marine: Huh? Whuzzat? I like what I see! An important looking door...
Linkara (vo): What door? It looks like a panel on the wall. Well maybe that was the point, actually.
Marine: (kicking in a door) Knock knock, who's there? ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!
Linkara: Oh jeez, everything's about you, isn't it?
Linkara (vo): He's instantly confronted by the Cyberdemon from the game.
Marine: Rip and tear! Rip and tear your guts! You are huge! That means you have huge guts!
Linkara: Well, you can't fault his logic.
Marine: Ooh, here it comes! Here comes the night train!
Linkara: If he starts singing "Night Train to Mundo Fine," I'm leaving.
(A clip from Mystery Science Theater of the same movie is shown)
(As for the Marine, he punch did nothing)
Marine: Berzerker pack--gone! Feelings of invincibility--over!
Linkara: Shatner style narration--fading!
Linkara (vo): Yeah, seems he was under the effect of a Berzerker Pack, a power-up from the original game. With his power-up inspired madness now over, he runs off from the threatening Cyberdemon that was...uh, just standing there. He realizes he needs a gun and immediately comes upon some zombies wielding guns.
Marine: Not big guns, but they are guns! And I need guns!
Linkara: Oh, sure. Guns are for wusses until you actually need one! Where the hell did I throw my gun?
(The Marine reaches for a chainsaw)
Marine: Ahhhh! Chainsaw! The great communicator! Allow me to communicate my desire to have your guns!
Linkara: (wearing a monocle and having a British accent) Oh well certainly, dear fellow. We;ll just allow you to advance upon us so you can communicate your desire to have our...
(The Marine uses the chainsaw to slice the zombies' heads off)
Linkara (vo): Oh my lord, I lost my monocle! So the nameless marine enters a dark room, now armed with a shotgun.
Marine: Dark! Might makes light!
Linkara: (realizing something seems familiar...) Wait a second, he's in a dark room, he's using a gun to illuminate the area... Oh dear lord in Heaven, it's Alone in the Dark!
(The same music from the shootout in that scene plays. We start with Linkara shooting a pistol. Coming into the scene is the Nostalgia Critic)
NC: Did someone knock?
(Phelous shoots him dead)
(Linkara's now shooting with an assault rifle. Lanipator comes in with his head covered in his coat like it's a mask)
Lanipator: (deep voice) Alright, fools! Prepare to face the wrath of the Black...(takes the coat off and speaks normally) Hey, no fair! You guys didn't tell me you had guns!
(And he gets shot dead by Beary! Angry Joe's now shooting an assault rifle from the hip. Linkara's now shooting two rifles, then we cut to Marzgurl who shoots a sniper rifle. Bennett the Sage has a nerf gun and roars while trying to shoot it. He has to pump it a bit before shooting. Once that shot's gone, he takes a knife out and charges. Now we get characters from Press Start to Play (I don't know the series, so if you wanna fill those names out, go ahead) shooting as well, with Ed Glaser being one of the victims. Dena Natali is also shooting one of her own guns as well. MikeJ's the odd man out having just his usual mug)
MikeJ: Oh, um...
(He then makes shooting sounds with it)
Linkara (vo): So our hero turns on the lights and what do you know, he has kileld a whole bunch of demons.
Linkara: No, I'm serious. He actually does the Bruce Campbell Evil Dead 2 Groovy. With this thing, I can't tell if this was an homage or an attempt to rip it off!