July 13th, 2008
Marc Summers: On your mark...get ready...Go, stars!
NC: GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
Scenes of families competing on Double Dare
NC: Gogogogogogogogogogogo! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ooohahahahahahahahaha! Oh...ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
NC (voiceover): Double Dare. Good God, talk about a kid's dream come true. Not only were you supposed to get as messy as possible, but you were also supposed to get your brother, your sister, and even your parents messy, all while winning fabulous prizes. If you somehow worked dinosaurs and outer space into it, you would have every kid's equivalent of Heaven.
NC: This show was ingenious, and I mean, ingenious. Double Dare was incredible, like the world's greatest Japanese game show...except nobody dies.
NC (voiceover): With an idea so inspired, you have to wonder how anyone could possibly think it up.
NC: Well, my thought is, it went something like this.
A scene of Marc Summers drinking slime, spitting at another person, and then the two get into a fight with slime
NC (voiceover): And thus, Double Dare was born, the first show that literally taught us "Fuck it, I wanna get dirty."
NC: Now for those of you who don't know the rules of the show, it went something like this:
NC (voiceover): Two teams usually made up of a family of four had to answer a series of questions that were KIND of like Trivial Pursuit for Dummies.
Marc Summers: In Encino Man, what actor plays the caveman?
Cut to a clip of Will Smith in Men in Black
Agent J: Oh, wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night.
NC (voiceover): If the family doesn't know the answer, they say Dare. If the other family doesn't know the answer, they say Double Dare. And thus the only option left is the physical challenge. Now the physical challenge is what everyone remembers. This is where you have to do something really messy and really sloppy in order to earn extra points. They were always strange, wacky, and incredibly disgusting. And, God, how we loved it.
NC: And part of the fun was just how strange and weird these physical challenges were.
NC (voiceover): I mean, that's got to be the greatest job in the world to come up with those games. Can you imagine what the creative process for this must've been like?
NC: (pretending to smoke a joint) I see...hands! They're...popping balloons that are...filled with jelly. Only their hands aren't attached to...their arms like you and me. They're attached to their...heads.
Guess what the clip is of. Just guess. I dare ya.
NC: I see...bananas! And a little man who's...driving the bananas. And on the bananas you have to put...ice cream and chocolate. Because...they're trying to make a banana split...while DRIVING...the bananas.
NC: ...Anyone in the mood for tacos?
A clip of families making tacos out of family members
NC (voiceover): Now after you go through the physical challenges, the family with the most points gets to go through the obstacle course, and this is by far the best part of the show. You had to go through all these insane contraptions and grab the flag at the end of each one. Some of these obstacles included Inside Out, Down the Hatch, and the Sundae Slide.
NC: Now, unfortunately, they didn't go through with all of the obstacle course selections that they came up with, such as...
Each selection is accompanied by a humorous drawing
NC: Steam Roller of Fun, Slide of Thorns, River of Acid, and probably the most controversial of all, Crucifixion.
Crucified man: AAAAAHHH!!
NC (voiceover): But hey, that's not to say they were all family-friendly. I mean, look at some of these obstacles, they look like medieval tortures created by Bozo the Clown. (Bozo the Clown is shown, with an evil laugh dubbed over) And some of them were just downright cruel. Like remember trying to find the flag in the Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? How the fuck are you supposed to find anything in that shit? This was always like the hardest one, and yet it was always like the second obstacle. Half the time, they couldn't even get to the other obstacles 'cause they were too busy looking for that damn flag!
Marc Summers: Sometimes, it can be very amusing.
NC (voiceover): Or how about the near-misses, where the flag just barely slips out of a player's hand?
(That moment is shown)
NC: Oh, come on, you ditz, just give 'em the Porsche.
NC (voiceover): Well, either way, it was fun to watch. But I doubt it was fun to taste. I mean, what IS half of that stuff? For all we know, that could be like toxic waste or something.
Super-imposed words point to a person covered in slime, saying "Radioactive residue," "Blood," "Elephant Splooge."
Marc Summers: One of Mother Nature's favorite little gifts.
NC (voiceover): Whatever it was, it was slippery. I don't know if they waxed the floors with banana peels or what, but people were falling and breaking bones like crazy!
Quick montage of people falling and getting hit, accompanied by painful sound effects
NC: This place is like a lawsuit factory!
NC (voiceover): Now as you may have noticed, the people didn't exactly get a lot of money on this show. I mean, look at this, I think the highest I ever saw it go up to was 700 bucks or something.
NC: That'll barely pay for the dry cleaning!
NC (voiceover): But the point of the show wasn't really to win money, it was just to have fun.
NC: I mean, can you imagine if they DID hand out big money on this show? My guess is there would be a lot more swearing.
He overdubs a scene of some of the challenges, making it seem as if the contestants are swearing, due to their determination
NC (voiceover; as a male contestant): All right, get in there, (bleep)! Get in there! No, no, you're not listening to me! Come on, (bleep)! Get in there! (As a kid contestant) (Bleep-bleep) it! I can't do it! Son of a (bleep)! Mother(bleep)! I just can't do it! (As another male contestant) Keep your head up! Keep your (bleep) head up! God (bleep) (bleep) it! We need that money for Grandma's operation!
Marc Summers: We wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?
NC (voiceover): Actually, some of these people DID take this show very seriously. I mean, look at 'em, some of them don't even crack a smile! Okay, dude, this is not an extreme sport, okay? You're in a salad bowl, for God's sake.
Marc Summers: Well, let me assure you, we are still crazy.
NC: Now the host of this show was probably the greatest game show host that ever walked the face of the planet. Marc Summers.
NC (voiceover): Why is he so great? A couple of reasons. First of all, he has to talk about total nonsense throughout the entire show and make it sound like it's intense TV. I mean, how much can you talk about half of this stuff?
Montage of Marc talking about some of the more bizarre challenges
NC: How many game show hosts are there that can actually, with all seriousness, say "Get back in your taco"?
NC (voiceover): Second, he gets just as into the show as the rest of the audience, screaming and yelling and even getting messy sometimes. Third, and definitely not least, this guy was obsessive-compulsive.
A record scratch is heard
NC: You heard right. Obsessive-compulsive. That means he liked everything clean, neat, and symmetrical. (beat) OH...MY...GOD!
Cut to a reality show showing Marc at his house
NC (voiceover): That is total devotion to your work. I mean, look at all this. They went through his house and moved around a few things, and there he is, down on the floor, straightening the rug, moving the chairs, fixing the curtains. I mean, this is how bad he was.
Marc Summers: OCD is all about compulsive rituals, and mine were about cleanliness and making things symmetrical.
NC: And this guy had to do Double Dare?! The sloppiest and messiest game show that ever aired on TV? Give this man a fucking medal!
NC (voiceover): I'm serious, dude, if you can't find a medal to fit the situation, make one up.
NC: In fact, I'll make one up. Marc Summers, on behalf of children everywhere, I give you the honorary "Dude, You Got Balls" award. You deserved it, man, you deserved it.
We are shown several clips of Marc Summers getting messy on the show
NC (voiceover): I mean, look at this shit that they put him through. Do you even think they knew he had a problem? Nobody did! And yet, he just stuck it through like a true professional.
A shot of Marc Summers with a thought bubble that says "Kill Me!"
NC (voiceover): Actually, it is kinda funny watching this, knowing what we know now. That playful laugh suddenly sounds like a cry for help.
A shot of Marc Summers laughing is contrasted with one where NC laughs mockingly, pretending to hold up his gun to shoot himself and then his other hand stops him
Marc Summers: My mom wanted me to be a doctor!
NC (voiceover): With a great host, a great premise, and a great big load of slime, Double Dare was by far one of the coolest game shows that ever graced the airwaves. It was one of the trademarks that helped make Nickelodeon a household name. (Sings some made-up lyrics to the show's instrumental theme song) Double Dare! Oh, my fucking Jesus, it is Double Dare! The show that always pleases, it is Double Dare! Get drowned in several teases, it is Dou-ble Dare! Oh, my God, it's Double Dare! Adults beware! Double Dare! It gets in your hair! Double Dare! And everywhere, it is Dou-ble Dare! Holy shit, it's Double Dare!
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (Beat) Balls.
(The end, then we are shown a past clip)
Marc Summers: In Encino Man, what actor plays the caveman?
Contestant: Pauly Shore.
Marc Summers: No, it is not Pauly Shore, this person has talent.