Doug: You ever have that movie that you really can't stand but everybody else seems to love? And maybe it's not just one movie, maybe it's a couple of movies, and maybe you suddenly become really famous by doing a stupid Internet show, and maybe everybody judges you by those movies, and they're always like, "Oh! Oh! You can't like that movie! You can't like that movie! No! No! We have to judge you now, because you're a pussy, you're an asshole! And I hate you! I'll never judge you again! YOU'RE THE WORST PERSON I EVER...!!" You get the idea. So, what I'm trying to get across here is that there are movies that I can't stand, they just...they get under my skin, but a lot of other people seem to like them...and that's fine. It's really cool. Don't go around judging people by this, it's not worth it. Just because you like a film or don't like a film doesn't mean you're an idiot or you're not smart or you're a jerk or anything like that. And to prove it, I am going to do the Top 10 films that I can't stand but everybody else seems to enjoy. And if you think, "Oh, that's not fair!", next week, I'm gonna do the Top 10 Films That I Like and Everybody Else Seems to Hate. So, I'm doing this just to show it's all opinion, it doesn't say anything about whether or not you're a good person or a bad person or a smart person or a dumb person. It's just opinion and what you like. To me, what matters is how well you can explain it. So, with that said, I'm gonna explain why these Top 10 films I can't stand, they drive me nuts, but everyone else seems to enjoy them. So, without any further ado, let's get started.
(A drawing of Doug's face is shown as the title is shown. This image will serve as the countdown's interlude)
Doug (vo): Number 10: Cars.
Doug (vo): I don't know, am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible idea? I guess, when you hear it you think, "that's a satire of a Pixar film" it doesn't even sound like a Pixar film, it's like...
Doug: "Hey, we got a lot of people, and THEY'RE ALL CARS! THEY'RE ALL CARS! Oh, the possibility of jokes!" ...I can't recall one good car joke in this movie. The only joke I recall that was kind of funny was when at the very beginning, when they're all leaving and the women's room has this really long line of cars. That was kind of funny. But, outside of that...
Doug (vo): Why were they all cars? You could make them anything, it didn't matter! You can make them race car drivers, that would've been fine. The other thing that really bothers me is that...
Doug: Before this film, The Incredibles came out, and Pixar always had trouble getting people down. They always sort of looked like these weird plastic puppets. And that's why they kept doing inanimate objects, or bugs, or whatever. Uh, in The Incredibles, they got people down really good. They looked like three-dimensional cartoons, and they were awesome. It was like the first time you saw a cartoon character in 3D and it was great. Man, the possibilities you can do with this. What did they do? Cars. It- it just seemed like a huge step backwards to me.
Doug (vo): And that's not the only thing that annoys me, the other thing that annoys me is that, it's a very basic guy-in-the-highlights, suddenly gets dragged down to the slumps, and he appreciates the value of hard work, and stuff and...
Doug: Seen that story to death. Nothing new, outside of the fact that they're cars. Which is not that exciting. So, um, it- it just didn't do anything for me ,and I know a lot of people like it, and to be fair, it's not god-awful, it's not like a horrible film, it just seemed like there was nothing to it. So, again, a lot of people like it, a lot of kids enjoy it, *sigh*, there's a sequel coming out. So, hopefully, it's better, they're secret agents now, or something, I don't know, so... I mean, thankfully, after Cars, they went, they did Ratatouille, and they kept expanding what they can do with, you know, actual humans, when they're not just, whatever, roto-scoping them in WALL-E. Uh, so, yeah, I'm glad to see they're going in whatever better direction, and Up, which, of course, was great. So... yeah, that just seemed like a real step backwards and to see a sequel, this was popular enough to get a sequel!
Doug (vo): I don't understand it, but that doesn't mean you don't have to understand it, so...
Doug: That's Cars.
Doug (vo): Number 9: Gladiator.
Doug (vo): I am not a Russell Crowe fan, but that's not why I don't like this movie. I don't like this movie because, again, it's a story that's been done to death. It's the Moses story, the guy on top of the world, betrayed or whatever by someone really close, dragged out to the slumps, has to work his way back up so he can get his righteous revenge and...very, very bland.
Doug: The only thing that's kind of entertaining is Joaquin Phoenix as the villain...
Doug (vo): ...cause he's so over-the-top.
Doug: I think there was one point where he was watching the, you know, them all fight, and he just goes... [Does an over-the-top performance of a guy sticking out his tongue and gargling] Love it. Absolutely love it. Um, but outside of that, it's just your typical bland hero...chops up people and gets the bad guy. And...which I wouldn't mind if the characters were interesting. They're not very interesting. Particularly Crowe.
Doug (vo): He's just the generic good guy. And I always feel bad for Ridley Scott...
Doug: ...because I get the feeling he can make good movies. Like, he tries to give his characters depth, and he tries to add a little more. But he's still picking scripts that are just...it's the bland story. There's nothing meaty to it. He's trying to add meat to, you know, just bare bones, and, which, okay, it's decent challenge, but it doesn't always work. So, but for whatever reason, people really got into it. It does look nice, for the most part. Um, the fight scenes are kind of cool. But if you don't give a crap about them, you know, if you don't give a crap about the people, you don't give a crap about what they're fighting for. So, and when a character dies, you know, you're supposed to feel, "Oh!" And...nothing.
Doug (vo): I mean, I barely felt like I got to know these people. Um, you know, generic, over-the-top villain. Sometimes, a little depth.
Doug: Um, Ridley Scott always seems to be doing that. He'll start to get depth, they'll start to be interesting, and then it just goes into cliche again. So, um, not a fan, definitely don't think it deserved Best Picture, uh, but I rarely agree with the Oscars anyway. So, um, yeah, so that's my thought on Gladiator.
#8: American PieEdit
Doug (vo): Number 8: American Pie.
Doug (vo): Now this movie came out during that gross-out era of comedy that will probably come back again sometime, but hopefully, it will be done better, because this was during There's Something About Mary. That became a huge hit, huge, big groundbreaking gross-out movie.
Doug: Everyone tried to copy it, and...what the movie's trying to copy. What they missed about There's Something About Mary, and American Pie missed as well, is that the comedy does not come from the gross-out humor. That's not what's funny. It's funny that the gross-out humor is happening to these characters. It's funny when it happens to Ben Stiller. 'Cause we like him, but he's weird and pathetic. Uh, it's funny when it happens to Matt Dillon because he's such a jerk but we enjoy hating him. Uh, and these weird story twists that it takes you know with all this, it just adds to the strangeness. That is why that movie worked. American Pie...
Doug (vo): ...just seemed like generic geeks and jocks. That was about it.
Doug: They're just bland characters we've seen a million times, and they're not the star of the movie, they are not the focus. It's the gross-out humor. That's the focus. The only person I got a lot of laughter from was Eugene Levy as the father. He was great. Uh, the other reason I really hate it is because they start off making this pact that they're gonna get laid before, whatever, senior year is out. And then by the end, they say "you know what? Fuck it. We don't need to do this. You know what? Sex should be a special thing that we do when we're ready and we want to have it with that special person. It shouldn't be a contest." Good for you, movie. Good message. Good thing to send out to teenage kids that may feel pressure about it and stuff. What'd they do? They all sleep with people that very night. So, there went the message out the window. Just totally gone. So, it didn't have a good message, or it tried but totally failed. Um, didn't think it was very funny. I guess I like that it made a few stars out of this. Um, but, yeah, where it spawned from I thought was a very weak, unfunny place. So, again, maybe you laughed, great. Uh, not a fan.
Doug (vo): Number 7: Avatar.
Doug (vo): Okay, you've all heard me bitch and moan about this movie. Um, but it's actually pretty low on the list because there's some good things about it. I like the scenery, it's a very nice scenery. Now if you ever look at illustrations, it's nothing new, but it's nice to see it on the big screen.
Doug: I did like the 3D. I thought it was pretty cool. But, again, How to Train Your Dragon came out maybe a month later, few months later. Totally blew it away. I mean, unbelievable 3D. Best I've ever seen. So, doesn't have that going for it. And, of course, what I really hate is the story.
Doug (vo): And even people that like this movie say the story's not that good. Good. And I understand...
Doug: ...guilty pleasures, you know, I understand they want to be sucked into the environment and stuff like that, but the technology I didn't see as anything that spectacular, sometimes, it looked like it was really there, but I was almost always aware I'm looking at computers.
Doug (vo): These are computer images. They're very nice-looking, but they move like computers, the texture looks like computers, it's still computers.
Doug: I never felt like "Hey, I can reach out and touch these people." only once or twice. And to be fair, they're blue cats.
Doug (vo): How are you gonna make that look real? So, granted, it's a challenge, and...
Doug: ...to make that come alive, I guess they did it pretty well, but for everyone...
Doug (vo): ...to be building it up like that I thought, it wasn't really worth it.
Doug: But I think the number 1 thing that annoys me about this movie, it really is the story, but the reason is that, we have heard this story so many times. Pocahontas, Ferngully, Dances with Wolves... It was old when those movies did it. And to have now, now, this movie coming out, and it becomes the highest-grossing movie of all time, that is telling these studios "we want more of this story. We want to hear this story again and again and again." I can't believe that. I just, I think we know this story and people who watch it even admit that the story's not very good. And, I think by making it the highest-grossing movie, we're really saying "hey, bring us more of this, bring us more of this story. This is new to us." And, that's what gets to me is that there's already Avatar sequels being made. It's probably gonna be that same story over and over, and, I don't mind stories about prejudice or the big man, you know, whatever, uh, using his power over the smaller man. It's... go into 'why'.
Doug (vo): Why are they like that? You know, go into, you know, we know the story.
Doug: Don't judge. Got it. We've been told this since Kindergarten. We know the story. Unless you're gonna give us something new instead of just replacing the Native Americans with blue pussies, It's not gonna be very interesting. So, I would like to see a movie that goes into why these people, these prejudices, exist. You know, or greed, why do we think that, you know, to get this valuable stuff, whatever the obvious, gold or oil, whatever it was, um, is more important than human life. That would be interesting. That would be new. This movie doesn't do it. It tells us a story we've seen a million times. You can predict it from the first minute to the last minute. Just annoyed me. But it looked nice.
#6: With HonorsEdit
Doug (vo): Number 6: With Honors.
Doug (vo): I...this is another one of those "Man, I wanna punch this" movie. This movie tries so hard to be that underground, you know, "Oh, if only we'd listen! If only we were aware!" You know, you have Joe Pesci playing this bum, this "incredibly obnoxious, you wanna kick him in the nuts" bum. But, "Oh, he's not bad! He's just misunderstood because we won't listen!"
Doug: No, I know what he is. He is a tool. He is a tool of the movie to make us feel bad for him, so that we can feel like big jerks.
Doug (vo): And Harvard apparently has these programs that go out and help people...
Doug: ...that are homeless and stuff like that, they go out and they help these people, and they never talk about that. The professors are the stereotypical professors...
Doug (vo): ...with the tie, the puffed-out shirts...
Doug: [Speaking in a British accent] You have no idea what's going on. [Normal] And I hate that. I hate that they see this bum. I hate that this bum keeps saying, "Oh, boy, oh, boy!" like they're trying to get that catchphrase in your head. I hate the fact that you know as soon as you see this bum where it's gonna go. That the kid is gonna befriend him, he's gonna find out something about himself. And he's gonna find out that this bum "Oh, he was, a kind soul." just these sad events, "I shouldn't judge!" And... [grunts]. There's one good scene. It's not even a good scene, it's a horrible scene. The speech is really good, though.
Doug (vo): There's this speech about The Constitution, that Joe Pesci says.
Doug: I think the whole movie was just written for this speech. I think someone came up with this speech, and said, "That's a really good speech! Really something. How can I write a movie around that?" And he just thought of the most cliched plot ever. And... the speech is really good. The movie that was made around it is crap, it sounds like it was just written on a cocktail napkin. You know, what else can we rip off here? So... really, really didn't like this movie. It was sort of that, um... no, it's just shit.
Doug (vo): Number 5: Signs.
Doug (vo): Now, of course, M. Night Shyamalan has become the punchline of directors, pretty much. I mean, his movies, people are just hating them more and more.
Doug: But what really shocked me is how many people liked Signs. And that is so curious because I think that's one of his funny ones. That's where his films started to become funny. You know, uh, Sixth Sense, everybody loves, Unbreakable, people are mixed about it, but, even people that don't like it could at least take it seriously, given the subject matter. Signs is where it starts to get hilarious.
Doug (vo): And, God, where do I start with this movie?
Doug: These aliens are allergic to water, water is what kills them, they attack this planet that is mostly water. Whoops! Uh, they master, as Scary Movie 3 put it, they master space travel, but they can't get through a wooden door. Um, all the kids talk like adults, all the adults talk like kids.
Doug (vo): Nobody talks right in this movie. Uh, the message...
Doug: ...'Spoiler', the message that God was trying to get to Mel Gibson all this time the reason he killed his wife, which made him leave the faith, which... must've meant he wasn't a good priest anyway, 'cause no priest would leave, you know, for that, because the wife's dead and "Oh, God took her, you bet-" ...idiot priest. Um, but, it's okay, because the message that God was trying to get to her was so that years later, when these idiot aliens come down, and try to attack the kid, she was giving him a message in the future to say "Swing the bat at the alien." That defeats the alien! A bat! They, water and a bat, these are the most pussified aliens ever. These are terrible aliens. They do not do well at their job. Um, and then at the very end, what I love, kid's dying of the asthma attack, [gasps heavily] really, really, bad, he's at death's door, pretty much. And, Mel Gibson, you know, "Should I call an ambulance? No, no, no, just believe. Believe! Belie-!" You know, God's a bit of an egotist, isn't he?
Doug (vo): God'll be like "Eh, you know, you may wanna call 911, very nice of you, but you may want to do something, eh, really? You're just gonna be chanting my name?"
Doug: "Okay, he's, let the kid live." Just believing in God saved this kid from dying of an asthma attack. And [chuckles] I'm laughing just thinking about it. Um, this movie actually now, you know nowadays, might be... I don't know. This might be along the same level as like Devil or The Happening, and stuff like that. I think... watch this movie again. I betcha this is gonna have maybe another uprising of, uh, fans who enjoy it because of how bad it is. And that'd be really interesting, because it does sort of deserve it. The only thing that I thought was a really good, touching moment, uh, I like when, actually it was in her asthma attack scene, I think the alien tries to grab the kid, but Gibson gives him away. And the kid's having an asthma attack and Gibson's saying "breathe with me", he's trying to control his breathing by having him listen to his breathing. And that was very nice. That was a very, and that I could believe because it's like logical, even though I don't know if asthma attacks work that way, probably not, but the scene still worked. It was a very nice, touching scene. Um, and he had to do something, he didn't just 'believe'. So, um, and again, nice plan of God to have Mel Gibson leave the faith just so he can come back again. All it cost him was a wife. So, yeah, I... You know what? I might actually like this movie. [laughs] The more I think of it, this might actually be a really funny movie. Um... I might have to watch this again. I might take this off the list later if I watch it again. It's um, it's pretty funny.
Doug (vo): Number 4: Nell.
Doug (vo): This is one of those movies where...you know the only reason it was made was so the main actress could get an Academy Award. She produced it, Jodie Foster produced it, she acts in it. Interesting ideas. The idea's that this mentally-challenged young woman lives in the woods, her mother dies, and she's left out there. And they're wondering should they bring her to a...
Doug: You know, a mental institution, or should they just leave her out there to take care of herself? But she speaks her own language. The mother was very, very southern. You know, had the thick accent. And the language, they have to sort of decode. Because it's sort of jumbled, but they're making it out. It is English, it's just very sort of slanted English. Now that's really interesting! That's a cool idea. Uh, but, of course, what happens? Got monotone...
Doug (vo): Liam Neeson comes out there, uh, and gets too involved.
Doug: This other woman doctor who, of course, looks pretty. Well, they're gonna fall in love. We know that. Um, you got Jodie Foster just, every second [looks up at the ceiling] just looking [high voice] "oh, I'm confused and curious, but innocent."
Doug (vo): [Normal voice] You know, Oscar Face, you know.
Doug: It's another one of those generic, uh, you know, actors that play, um, mentally challenged people who are obviously fishing for an Oscar. This is definitely one of those movies. And... the, uh, sort of redneck bad guys they have in this movie are beyond over-the-top. I mean, these guys like, just, the way they talk makes no sense. There's one scene where Nell runs into a bar. An- sounds like a joke. And she runs in and the redneck guys like "Oh, hey, it's her! It's the girl from the, uh, the cabin, hahaha. Hey, show us your breasts! Hahahaha!" And they're making fun of her and she's, you know, "ahaha, funny, hahaha". And eventually, for whatever reason [stammers] childlike mind, she raises up her dress and flashes everybody. Now, of course, in any redneck bar, what would happen? Everybody would go "WHOO! YEEHAA! TITS! WE LOVE TITS!" We all know that would happen! And here? No. Redneck People? They're disturbed at what they saw, just "My Go-, somebody's do- what? I ju- she, she blew my mind." Total crazy. Makes no sense.
Doug (vo): At the end, I... Liam Neeson's performance is almost as bad as Jodie Foster, no, actually, it is worse. That is the worst performance.
Doug: Jodie Foster's looking for an Oscar. Liam Neeson... d'oh! It, it, it, one of those scientists who gets emotionally involved if a penny drops "Oh, the poor penny!" You know, just gets way involved, too fast. You know, way too emotionally involved. And you know, everything "No, they don't understand. They have to, you know, she can't stay out there, because no, no, she can't stay in the mental institution because, uh, you know, she's running into walls and flashing people and stuff like that. She's fine. Just misunderstood." And... [chuckles]
Doug (vo): It's obvious this person at least should be looked at! You know, by a mental institution. You know just, put her in there and just say "okay, let's, let's see." You know, let, you know, let other doctors outside of just these two look at her. Interesting case, anyway.
Doug: And, "Oh, no, no! The big thing is the publicity! The media will be all over her and that'll ruin her life!" She barely has an idea of what the media is. And, if anything, Liam Neeson and this other doctor building up the media, and like, [coughs] trying to drive her away because there's a chopper...
Doug (vo): That comes after her. This News Chopper, with a camera. It can't be that boring a news day, people!
Doug: And they're chasing her down, like it's an action scene. And... [chuckles] It's... the fact that Liam Neeson and this other doctor are building up how bad the media is that's... you know, THAT'S what's doing the damage. The media itself probably isn't doing anything. You know, 'cause she doesn't watch TV anyway. And, all this crap is going on. There's a scene where Liam Neeson is carrying her out...
Doug (vo): ... of the Mental Hospital. I mean, just pure White Knight bullshit. There's a scene in the courtroom...
Doug: They got the courtroom scene! Where she like pleads her case and stuff like that, It's... Terrible! Terrible movie! People love it! No idea why! Um... just... doesn't do anything for me. Uh, if you were touched by it, more power to ya. Uh, I couldn't stand it. Again, just shows you the difference.
Doug (vo): Number 3: Matilda.
Doug (vo): Now here's a funny thing. I originally was gonna do this as a Nostalgia Critic review. People freaked. They're like, "You do not touch that fucking movie, you mother--!"
Doug: This movie must hit a chord with a lot of people because, I mean, there was like an uproar of people that were gonna kill me if I said anything bad about this movie. So I took it off, I didn't want to piss off that many people. Uh, but...I thought this was horrendously awful.
Doug (vo): I mean, just really horrible, mean movie. Again, anyone who knows me knows I'm all for dark movies. I love dark humor, I adore it.
Doug: But there has to be a reason for it. And... this just seems so needlessly cruel. These are images like, putting kids in a closet with nails, you know, in the closet. And they have to not move or else they'll get poked by the nails. And this is just in like, a, Kindergarten class. You know, or frst grade. Uh, there's a lot of those weird wide angle close ups. You know, where [leans into the camera] it's like this. You see like the bad teacher like this, just "oh, I'm gonna eat you, yeah, yeah." And... [clips are briefly shown] That gets really old after awhile. Uh, it's... I guess it's about this girl that has like supernatural powers...
Doug (vo): [stammers] fun... could be entertaining. Uh, but just very generic villains, very... this...
Doug: This plot gets so stupid with something about, uh, it's not the teacher who, no, the teacher is the good guy. Uh... I'm not sure what the job, but, someone who looks after the kids like, uh, on the playground. Whatever role that is. And they get this really big, ugly woman to play her. You know, and to her credit, it looks like she's having a lot of fun, but, ah.. they just make her like the ultimate villain, like I guess she murders somebody in the past, also has this psychological grip on this teacher, it's like... WHAT? What the hell are you doing? And half the jokes don't make sense. There's a scene where the woman, I think this girl's doing something like chewing gum, I don't know what she's doing. But she's, uh, not really misbehaving, but the... woman sees it as misbehaving, so she grabs the girl by her pigtails, SWINGS HER AROUND! And, tosses her!
Doug (vo): I'm like 'what the hell is this?!' I have no idea what this movie is trying to do!
Doug: What it's trying to convey, what... It is just... for me, it's a disaster of a movie, and what really pisses me off, I hate it when it's for kids. I hate it when there's a movie trying to be really dark, and for kids, and it fails. Because, that's really, it's sending bad messages, it could be fucking up your kid! You know, I mean, it could really be, [makes a noise] fucking them up. 'Cause like I said, dark stuff for kids isn't bad. I loved Return to Oz, Secret of NIMH, all that stuff. But they're good. And they have good messages, and they have good characters. This is just a NASTY movie.
Doug (vo): Just, really nasty, really unpleasant, I didn't like looking at it, didn't like hearing it, didn't like the story, didn't like the characters...
Doug: Didn't like any of it. And... it was directed by Danny DeVito, who, as far as I'm concerned, has directed one good movie, and that's War of the Roses [corresponding poster is shown], and that IS a great movie. But, he really likes the... being dark just to be dark. And getting weird shots and weird angles just to have weird shots and weird angles. It doesn't create a good environment, or a good atmosphere. Uh, it's, if it is saying something, nobody knows what the shots are trying to say. And I... I really hated this movie. And like I said, mostly because it's for kids. And that... that really gets under my skin when somebody puts out a very nasty, mean, hate-filled movie, that, whatever, has a happy ending so the Don Bluth principle must work. Um, but... it... I didn't like it. That, that's all I can say about it.
#2: District 9Edit
Doug (vo): Number 2: District 9.
Doug (vo): This is another one people just go nuts when I say I didn't like it. "Why?! How could you not like this? This is an innovative, brand-new! Nobody has done it before!"
Doug: Everybody has done this movie. And it is... it's... when I was saying, uh, movies already done for Avatar, Pocahontas, Dances With Wolves... District 9. Forgot to mention District 9.
Doug (vo): Uh, I'll tell you what I don't like about District 9. Well, first of all, the style. It's a cool idea. I like "what if aliens did land, and we sort of treated it realistically, and started handhelds[?] and..." that's interesting.
Doug: What I don't like is... Well, first of all, I hate it when people say "you don't get it!" How can anyone not get this? This is the most obvious, sans Avatar, this is the most obvious symbolism in the world. You know, again, about prejudice, about stuff that's going on in other countries where, you know, they treat people like crap simply because of whatever. The color of their skin, or what they believe, and they just decide "we're gonna beat 'em, and just put 'em in the slums, and treat 'em like shit." I know this stuff happens. I know. Um... why didn't you just make a documentary about that?
Doug (vo): Instead of making it about aliens, which...
Doug: ...doesn't add up in the story at all. See, this is why it's bad symbolism. Symbolism works where even if you don't know what the symbolism is, the story still works. Animal Farm. That's a great example, because even if you don't know about, you know, Stalin and stuff like that, it's still a good story. And you can follow it okay. If... in a movie like District 9, these aliens land and then just what? They just leave them? Why? The aliens can't speak English. Why did they just throw them in the neighborhood? Why don't they study them? Why don't they talk to them? Why don't they try to communicate? Why don't they try all this stuff? They just give up. That's not realistic! We wouldn't do that! We're obsessed with going in space a bajillion times! We're obsessed with looking at our molecules and seeing what we can find! We're just giving up on the fucking aliens?! The... fucking aliens?! I mean... beyond unrealistic. And, of course, it's to get their message across. Which is so PAINFULLY OBVIOUS! But they think it's really clever, and people watch it and think "oh, it's symbolic. It's saying something." Well, obviously! That doesn't make it good! Um... the style. Uh... everything. "Really original!" No. Every scene, every 10 minutes, there's a new style, and you can point out what it is. First, it's The Office.
Doug: ...through all these movies and styles, and just grabbing what it likes. And... somehow people think that's really original. But it's not saying anything original. The characters aren't original. They're not even that interesting. And I think by again, dark comedy, if you want to have it go more serious, okay. I'm cool for it. The switch is so fast, out of the blue, and... painfully obvious! The only reason I sat through this movie is because people kept saying it was so good. And I was intrigued by the trailers, too, I'm like "okay, oh, well, let's see this." And it was...[sighs] I really would've walked out if not so many people said "it's really good, and really innovative." I'm saying "what is this building to?" Because there have been movies that I've hated most of the way through, but then when I got to the ending, "Wow, that changed everything." So, I'm sitting there, waiting for that change to happen. When is this gonna be a great movie? 'Cause it's really pissing me off. And it never happened. It was the message in the first two minutes. I heard this was based on a short film. You know what? I bet it'd be a much better short film, because that's how long it takes to get the message across. You don't need a movie for this. There's only one thing it did that was original and I liked! I wish the movie was about this! I have never seen a, uh, alien single father.
Doug (vo): Never seen that. That was fascinating!
Doug: And I cared about those two. Those were the only characters that I wanted to see get out okay. And... you know, again, at the end, the spaceship's just standing there and... the father had the key? And started it? They didn't think to tell anybody? And why did the aliens come here to begin with? Why... all these questions, all these plot... all these plot points that don't add up. I can't even remember them all. Look 'em up. There's a bajillion plot points that don't add up and they don't make sense. But what gets me about this movie, and you'll probably see with a lot of these movies on this list, is that I hate movies that think they're saying something new. And, you know, mind-boggling and "wow, once people see this, things are gonna change." They think they're saying that and they're not. Or, at least they're not saying it in a new way. They're saying it...
Doug (vo): ...the way a bajillion other people have said it. Or they're taking stuff from other sources hoping that'll make it in a new way, but it's really not. It's just recycling.
Doug: And that fucking singer! The same singer that was in Avatar, Gladiator, and a lot of these other bad films! You know what I'm talking about! I did a Christmas Special Video about it before. It's the singer that just goes "Nyah, hey-yah, he-yah, he-yah, he-he-he-yah, la-se-be-oh-leh, he-yah," some sort of African made up bullshit, or if it's not made up, I don't care! I am sick of that singer! Just, you hear him or her, I could believe either, singing, whenever there's this really, you know, incredible moment where the dead body is there and someone's looking from the chapter going [breathes deeply] and then we cut to whatever fields of grain and it's all yellow and grainy and you hear that singer, that fucking singer "Nyah, he-yah, le, la, la, la, le, hey," OH! Really hate that. That's another thing I forgot to bring up about Avatar when that fucking singer showed up, I'm like, "God Damn! That's the ultimate cliche! I'm so sick of that singer!" So... I'm trying to think if there's anything else about this movie, 'cause, a lot of people, even though I thought I stated pretty clearly what I didn't like about that movie, a lot of people were really shocked that I still didn't like it. Uh, and don't get the reasons. I... I think that's all I can really do. It's just, it's an unpleasant movie on top of that. The comedy is not very funny. Um, all the social satire they're trying to do doesn't work because it doesn't work in the world. You know, even something like Hot Shots, you know, or one of those movies. You know, all the weird jokes they do, it works because they create a world where that would happen. This is supposed to be our world. Like, "this is what would happen if aliens really did land." And when you do that, you gotta follow by our world's rules. And this movie doesn't. It doesn't take into account anything that mankind would do if aliens really did land. It just tosses that aside for its obvious message. So... again, love to see a movie about judging people that really is about analyzing why people judge each other. I'm not gonna get it in these movies. Um, so I think that's the last I'm gonna say about District 9, 'cause I can't think of anything else to say about it. I mean... only thing I can say is: I got it! Okay? Don't say I didn't get it. I got it. An infant could get it. Uh, that's why I didn't like the movie that much. So, hopefully, I'm sure that'll piss a lot of people off, but hopefully, that's more of a detailed reason why.
#1: Moulin RougeEdit
Doug (vo): And the Number 1 Movie That I Hate But Everybody Else Seems to Like is...Moulin Rouge.
Doug: Oh, God! Hate this movie! This is up there with one of my Top 10 Least-Favorite Movies.
Doug (vo): Remember what I was saying before about films that think they're saying something really brand-new and innovative but it's been said a bajillion times before and in better ways? This is one of those big movies. This is one where, you know, the message is just, you know, "Follow your heart, be in love" and stuff like that, but they think that by...
Doug: ...putting all these big effects and musical numbers and recycling songs that we heard a bajillion times before, sung badly, is gonna make this somehow new. And it's not...it's not, it's not, it's not! It is... [Sighs] I want to like this movie. Because I like the idea behind this style. I love the sets. I, when I saw the preview for this movie, I thought I was gonna love it. I thought "this is gonna be awesome! This is gonna be like a live-action music video with this really good story because this director can't have put all this money and all this artistic expression into a bullshit version of Titanic." And that's what he did. It's Titanic.
Doug (vo): Even Titanic had something better to offer. Because that at least had...
Doug: ...the ship sinking. And it had a little bit of history even though some of it was flawed. This... [grunts] I mean, okay, now this is just me personally. I, by that time movie musicals were not around, even now they're still pretty rare. And this movie was the first movie musical to have a lot of money behind it to come out in years. I mean, this is one that, you know "wow, okay, they really spent a lot of money." And no original songs. Or, there was maybe one or two or something like that. I mean, they were all rehashed songs. And, I've gotten better to accept that this was the, you know, that's the style the movie was going for. Is to show the whole sort of like wide world of music all together in this one place. I do understand that. I don't think it works effectively. And for that to be the first musical that came out in years, and to have no original songs at all, that really got under my skin. That really pissed me off. And to have a lot of them sung and redone really badly. Uh, very few of them actually worked. Um, but I've gotten better with that. Uh, 'cause like I said, that is sort of a style thing. And it did get movie musicals going. I appreciate it for that. Uh, what annoys me about it is that, uh, it's the Titanic story. Again, the basic villain with no motivation but to be an ass...
Doug (vo): ...and get what he wants, 'cause he's used to getting what he wants. Boring. Uh, the young artist who wants to learn about love, but has never been in love, so he wants to explore. Boring. Nicole Kidman. Good God, this woman who wants to be an actress. That's her big thing. And even takes her out of the performance when you know, the guy's like...
Doug: "And then you will become-" and she's like "A real actress." And I'm thinking: DUDE! Just look, you're flying, you're doing somersaults! You're doing flips! You're singing! People are praising you as a Goddess... What fucking more could you want?! This, you spoiled little whorebag! I mean, this is like the world! You have the fucking world! And she wants to be "a real actress." And I just... [grunts] she's boring. I hate it when you find out she has... I forget. Yeah, no, there's a scene where she coughs, and falls off, um, whatever she's swinging on. Okay, she's dead. We all know she's dead. This is pretty much a bad version of La Bohéme. Some people would call "Rent", but I digress.
Doug (vo): Um, and, of course when she finds out that the bad guy, the Duke, wants the boyfriend killed, uh, of course, she doesn't tell him. Just "hey, I'm leaving you because your life is in danger" or "hey, let's skip town." All this stuff, and it's like...
Doug: ...no, she's just like "oh, I can't see you anymore." I hate, I hate those scenes in any romantic comedy. In anything having to do with romance where the couple thinks they don't love each other because of some misunderstanding, 'cause then they go off, they think they hate each other, they go and pout, and brood, and they play some pop song. It's boring, boring, boring! We know what's gonna happen. They're gonna get back together. Why are you wasting our time with this? And that's what it seemed like. It seemed like for all this money, all this style that's put into this movie, it was wasting our time. It just seemed like you're not... It looks very different, It looks very new. But it's... in terms of story, character, anything else, it's not giving us anything new. Right down to the music. [which] Is recycled. Literally, it is the exact same music. So, and the other thing about the style is that I could not get into it because It's, I know I'm of like, whatever, the MTV Generation. I couldn't get into it because the editing was just too fast.
Doug (vo): And these are massive, big sets. I want to enjoy them. I want to see them. And, you're not.
Doug: You're pretty much just seeing this. [waves arms all around] You know, and some fairy will go "hahahahaha" and something will go "dododododo" and then something will go "hahahahaha" and it's just that all the way through. Why spend money on all these big sets and costumes and stuff if you're not gonna let us see it? You're just gonna cut away or move the camera around. And, oh... It's.. it's mostly the pretentiousness that gets to me the most. How many times it used the word 'love'. You ever count it? I mean, it's gotta be unbelievable. And, the characters are children. They were written for children. And it thinks, but it thinks it's like the biggest shit!
Doug (vo): It thinks like "we're just saying 'all you need is love!'" And... I mean, first of all, that's not a very interesting message. I'm sorry, it's really not. I mean...
Doug: ... even that message, if you believe it. I'm not saying I don't believe it. But, even if you do... there is much more than that. I mean, there's... life gets in the way, okay? I mean, and, maybe this movie was trying to show that "But love is okay." But, what they're showing that's getting in the way wasn't life. That was planned movie bullshit. I mean with the villain and the, you know, the comedic misunderstandings and stuff like that. No, that's movie. That's not life. And, I think this film thought it was showing maybe life getting in the way of love, but love will shine through, love conquers all. And, it simply wasn't. It was very contrived and forced. And this movie thought it was giving us something grand and new and big. And it was simply style over substance. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Just a great big bowl of style over substance. And this movie really didn't think it was that. I think when I say that, I don't mean like the director, I have no idea what the director was thinking. I'm not gonna act like I do. Um, you know any director. Uh, I say the movie because the movie sort of becomes like its own entity, like its own art form. And for me, that's what I feel like it was trying to do. It was trying to get across something really big and groundbreaking, and it's just nonsense that we've seen a bajillion times before. And, oh...
Doug (vo): It annoys me. It really annoys me. And...
Doug: I'm just repeating myself, so... That's the one that people really seem to enjoy. Uh, and they really seem to get into the love story. [shrugs] Don't understand it myself. Um, but I'm not gonna force, whatever, the love stories I like on people. So, I, that film really annoys me. If you enjoy it, honestly, the people that usually do enjoy it usually enjoy it for the art direction and the style. And, I can understand that. I can respect that. Even people that say they like Avatar, they admit it's for the look. I can respect that. I can respect that. And even if you do like the love story and whatever - good for you. Live that, you know, love conquers all life. It's a wonderful, innocent thought. Um... it just doesn't work for me. So, folks, those are the Top 10 movies I hate, everyone seems to love. Um, maybe you don't like them either. If not, great. Doesn't say anything about you, or it probably does, but, you know, nothing that anybody should really care about. So, there's no good movies or bad movies, there's just movies you like and don't like. And, a lot of you are probably saying "What the hell? You're just crapping on my favorite movies!" Next week, you get your revenge. I'm gonna do the Top 10 movies that I like, everybody else seems to hate. Just to show that there's just as many. So, guys, I hope you enjoyed this list, I hope it wasn't too long for ya, I hope I didn't babble too much. I know I did. But, either way, thanks for watching, and look forward to next week, uh, when you can get your revenge on me. Take care.