Doug's First Movie
November 1, 2011
(The episode begins with the Nostalgia Critic having his head down. Speechless to say his usual opening catchphrase, he holds up his index finger which his most hated theme, the original Doug theme plays.)
(The title card to Doug's 1st Movie is shown, featuring the titular character standing right next to the title of the movie)
Col. Nathan R. Jessep (from A Few Good Men): You fuckin' people.
(Clips of Doug's 1st Movie play)
NC V/O: Yes, indeed. For those who don't know, I have a particular hatred for the cartoon series Doug. Not because the show itself is an ungodly boring waste of time...
NC: Though that certainly doesn't help!
NC V/O: But more than anyone growing up with the name Doug was constantly tortured by the fact that this show was about a wimpy, unpopular dork-a-dufus who coincidentally shared the same name. (A diagram of a brain tumor is shown) Just hearing the theme music alone seems to be causing an impressive tumor in my brain that I have decided to name "Porkchop". I look forward to when it finally finishes me off and I never have to listen to that song again.
NC: (stares into the camera, then nods his head) But I digress.
NC V/O: Once Disney took over and started running the show on ABC as opposed to Nickelodeon, fans were outraged! Because, you know... (sarcastically) the original was such a classic! (normal) So, once Disney asked the loyal fans if they would like to see a motion picture based on the astounding epic hero, people all over the world proudly replied: "Eh." (Shows a picture of a confused man shrugging his shoulders, then shows a poster for the movie) And the movie was made!
NC: And we're here to look at it today! Why? Because you goddamn hate me!
Col. Nathan R. Jessep: Fuckin' people.
NC: By popular demand, let's take a look at Doug's 1st Movie! (sarcastically flops his arms around)
(The poster is shown again as Critic speaks again)
NC V/O: First of all, I have to point out that this title is pretty pompous, as if to indicate that there's NO doubt that our film is going to be SO popular that, OF COURSE, it's going to warrant a sequel! (Poster for Pokemon: The First Movie is shown, before cutting back to another Doug's First Movie poster) But unlike Pokemon: The First Movie where they knew the sequels were already made, this one was just on its own. And, wouldn't you know it? The film didn't make enough money to milk any sequels! (A bag of money covers the poster, accompanied by a "wah-wah-wah-waaaahhh!" sound cue and a splash sound with the money bag dipping down)
NC V/O: And that must be bad, because this is fucking Disney, the sequel-generating MONSTERS! (Posters for many Disney sequels are shown) They had the balls to take classic fairy tales and say "Hey, what did ever happen after Happily Ever After?" (cuts back to Critic briefly) Well, you can find out in Cinderella IV: Filing Royal Taxes!" (An edited poster of said "movie" is shown).
NC: (raises head, then brings himself down) But... I digress.
(The movie begins.)
NC V/O: The film opens in the 90's--but for some reason, people act like it's the 50's as being told by the 70's--as we see school bully Roger, NOT voiced by Billy West... (crowd boos)
NC: (calming down the crowd) Buy your torches and pitchforks here. (motions to words at the bottom of the screen reading 'Bob's "Stab em and Burn em" Torches and Pitchforks 555-KILL')
NC V/O: ...who's preparing to pull off another prank on Doug and his friend Skeeter.
(Roger Klotz and his bully buddies prepare the dragon costume, which looks more like a Chinese dragon, as we see Doug Funnie and Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine come in with their bikes.)
Roger's cronie: Uhh, don't you think this is kind of mean?
Roger: (voiced by Chris Phillips, replacing Billy West) It's unhealthy for me to bottle up my natural childlike spontaneity!
NC V/O: (confused) I guess they're really hoping they're afraid of paper-mache Chinese dragons.
Skeeter: (after being scared by bullies; sarcastically) Very funny, you guys. Hardy har! Well, you had your fun, now you can go home. (A shadow of a snarling creature looms upon Skeeter, causing the bullies to gasp; worried) Roger? (Skeeter turns around to see. As Roger and co. scream and make a break for it, Skeeter's camera drops and captures a picture of the beast. The monster gets closer to Skeeter, who closes his eyes right before the screen cuts to black and is filled with splashes of blood.)
NC V/O: Okay, there's no gore, but there is something just as equally terrifying... the opening credits.
(A door opens in the black screen, revealing figures of Doug and his dog, Porkchop. We then hear Porkchop's bark and Doug turns on the lights.)
Doug: (voiced by Tom McHugh, also replacing Billy West) Roll it, Porkchop!
NC: (onscreen) (plugs ears with fingers, frustrated) God, here it comes, the opening theme...!
(The credits start to roll as a brand-new Doug theme plays! This causes NC to look up in surprise.)
NC: (happily, almost tearing up) You mean... they changed the opening theme?
(Title of the film shows up)
Doug: That's me! (sees Porkchop making shadow puppets and gets annoyed) Porkchop!
(A picture of NC's tumor in his brain comes in and explodes, symbolizing his tumor going away)
NC: (ecstatic while waving his hands) HALLELUJAH!
NC V/O: Oh, it's bland. It's forgettable. It sounds like nothing I'd remember in recent history. But, hey, SO IS THE FUCKING SHOW! It's absolutely perfect!
NC: (waves goodbye to Doug's sad-looking angel wearing a robe titled "Old Theme") Rest in Hell, you goddamn theme! May an army of devils sing thee to thy fiery death! (Grabs "Doug", unzips his pants and proceeds to urinate on the "Old Theme"; moans with sadistic pleasure) Oh, ooh! Oh, that's good hatred! Oh!
(Cut to Doug's house)
NC V/O: After we just... assume Skeeter got away from the monster, Doug informs us of the one thing that's on everybody's mind.
Doug: (to himself) That means at school, people just have one thing on their minds...
(Cut to Bebe Bluff and her friend at the school, decorated for Valentine's Day)
Bebe Bluff: The Valentine's Dance!
Nerdy Student: (sighs) Isn't it romantic?
Nerdy Student #2: (monotonous) A Valentine's Dance. How delightful.
(Montage of students all exclaiming "The Valentine's Dance")
NC V/O: Who the hell talks about a dance this much? I mean, the girls I can understand, but the BOYS? Really? Somehow, this doesn't seem particularly realistic.
(NC is shown grumbling on his desk while two offscreen students--voiced by Doug--talk about Air Jordans.)
Student: Hey, Bobby, good job on that last shot!
Bobby: Oh, you know, it's these new Air Jordans!
Student: Oh, those don't do anything.
Bobby: Yes, they do! They can make you reach the net easier!
Student: Oh, Bobby, you been watching too many commercials!
NC: (excitedly) Seriously, is NOBODY thinking about the dance?! (He gets hit with a basketball.)
NC V/O: So Doug decides he wants to ask out the sweetheart he's always too nervous to approach, the girl next door with jaundice: Patti Mayonnaise.
Doug: (In his imagination) I knew I had to find a way to make this dance really perfect.
Connie: The Student Council is supposed to pick out two people to coordinate the dance, but nobody signed up! Whoever we get is gonna have to work day and night to get ready!
Doug: Day and night?
(Cut to Doug's imagination, where he imagines himself and Patti as World War II generals planning the dance on a map table)
"General" Doug: Right, pay close attention, Miss Mayonnaise!
NC V/O: Umm, hi, totally pointless fantasy sequence!
Doug: ...we hit them right in the middle with a big, heart-shaped mirror ball! Bang!
Patti: Oh, Doug, you're so... dance-plannery!
NC V/O: Uh, I can understand having a fantasy dreaming about working with her, but... why as a World War II general? I mean, it's just so random. Don't fantasies have to have some form of logical reasoning behind them?
NC: Hmm, one of these days, I'd like to do a crossover with Nash!
(Cut to NC cosplaying as a knight where he and Nash--dressed as a beautician and holding a Space Core soft toy-- are in a pink bedroom decorated with hearts, as well as a couple Hello Kitty dolls here and there.)
Nash: You... are weird. (NC looks embarrassed)
(Cut to Doug and Patti at lunch)
Patti: (to Doug) Do you really think I'd be good at organizing a dance? I've never done anything like that.
Doug: I think you'd be great at whatever you wanted to do, Patti.
NC: (onscreen; as Doug) Especially me! (Rimshot plays)
(Doug and Patti are looking at a sign-up sheet for the dance committee with no signatures)
Patti: Not much competition.
NC V/O: So both Doug and Patti sign on for the dance committee, but only Patti gets chosen. The other position goes to a guy named... Guy.
(Cut to purple-skinned upperclassman and Doug's rival, Guy Graham)
Guy: Guy Graham, upperclassman, heads up: Dinky dance! Bang!
Student council: Wow!
NC V/O: It turns out Guy joined the committee to get fresh with Patti, too.
(Cut to Bebe and Mr. Bluff in their limo)
Bebe: Well, Doug, you understand. Guy has REAL accomplishments. And he's friends with my daddy.
Bill Bluff: Fine young man.
(Cut to Skeeter, still alive, and Doug)
NC V/O: But for the moment, even bigger news seems to have fallen into their lap.
(Skeeter shows Doug his photos)
Skeeter: The monster! (Doug gasps at a picture of a huge foot. The scene dissolves to Skeeter and Doug dancing away excited) Ha-ha! I told you there was a monster!
NC V/O: So after they dissolve to... one second later, Doug gets excited about the possibilities a picture of a... foot can bring.
Doug: Skeeter, we're going to be famous! This is the biggest thing ever! Woo-hoo!
Announcer: When the biggest thing ever happens...
(Cut to Doug's imagination of himself as his alter-ego, Quail Man)
Doug: The biggest thing ever! (Holds a flier saying "The Biggest Thing Ever")
Announcer: ...Doug imagines himself as a superhero...
NC V/O: (confused) What? Is the script narrating now? What's goin' on?
(Cut to a tall building)
Announcer: That night, Quail Man rendezvouses with a certain young woman.
Patti: Oh, Quail Man!
NC V/O: Oh, Jesus, WHAT IS THE POINT OF THESE FANTASIES?! Yes, he plays the character on the show, but what does that have to do with what's going on right now?!
(A giant fish monster attacks the city as everybody screams in terror)
Quail Man: (speaks to Porkchop's alter-ego, Quail Dog) Looks like an uninvited guest is trying to crash the party, Quail Dog!
NC V/O: It's like if Scrubs and Family Guy took all of their pointless cutaway jokes and turned it into some sort of HORRIBLE HYBRID OF WASTED TIME!
(Scrubs and Family Guy appear onscreen, followed by a horrific, Godzilla-style collage of Scrubs and Family Guy combinations wreaking havoc on a city)
Announcer: Quail Man, and his superpal, Quail Dog...
NC V/O: And not only that, this fantasy goes on for a while, almost as if we went into a totally different movie. If only I was so lucky!
(The monster attacks a train, much like in the 1976 remake of King Kong.)
Quail Man: Who are you?!
Guy: (as a dancer) I... am the Lord... of the POLKA! Care to...dance? (Hypnotizes Patti with a magic disco ball...We didn't write this stuff, folks!)
Patti: (hypnotized) Must... dance!
(Cut to a clip from Suburban Knights)
JewWario: Here: grab my balls.
NC V/O: I'm not kidding, this fantasy goes on for like four minutes, which, in Disney animated years, is like twenty!
Announcer: Quail Dog turns the high-powered disco lights into the eyes of the monster, momentarily disorienting the reptilian rowdy!
NC V/O: I don't even get it. Does Doug just blackout for a while while his friends just look at him awkwardly?
(Cut to Skeeter, with the NC impersonating him with a superimposed mouth)
"Skeeter": So, Doug, what do you think about the picture? (Doug stares blankly into space) Doug, I miss you when you do this. (Doug still stares blankly; "Skeeter" speaks distressingly) Why do you go where I can't follow?
NC V/O: (normal) Meanwhile, Roger and his henchmen... because, ALL school bullies have henchmen in cartoons... put together a plan to find the monster they discovered the other night.
Roger: There is only one thing that can save us from certain destruction! I present to you... Robocrusher! (Presents a drawing of a massive killer robot; one student coughs at this insane idea) Note the pincer claws and x-ray eyes, I've drawn myself down here for scale. Money is NO object!
NC V/O: Okay, so all reality connecting to what children do in high school* has totally been removed. But I guess that's what I'd expect in a world where everybody looks like a Dr. Seuss mutant.
(NOTE: Just like in his Nicktoons review, NC makes the mistake of calling the school high school; instead of middle school. He will continue with this mistake for the rest of this review.)
(Cut to Doug and Skeeter hanging out at Doug's house when Patti calls)
Patti: Oh, Doug!
Doug: Look, Pat...
Patti: Did you hear the news? Guy got Mr. Bluff to give us money to have the dance at...are you ready for this? FUNKYTOWN! (The "n" sound is barely audible, making it sound like "Fuckytown" as a result.)
NC V/O: Okay, I swear to God, she said "Fuckytown".
NC: (onscreen, as Patti) You know, it's gonna be an ORGY theme! Think Bazooka Joe meets A Night in Paris!
NC V/O: But little do they know that the monster from the other night followed them home. So they take the Paranormal Activity approach in that they never call the cops, and try to fight off the scariness themselves.
(Cut to Skeeter and the Monster; Skeeter screams in terror. The Monster, voiced by Frank Welker, apparently scared, clutches a book like a sad little child.)
NC V/O: But they find out that the monster isn't scary at all. I dare even call him a complete letdown.
Skeeter: (Holds Herman Melville's Moby Dick) I can't believe that. He tried to eat Herman Melville.
(The Monster reacts to the name)
Doug: Hey, he looked! He thinks it's his name.
Skeeter: Y-You like that name? Herman Melville? (The Monster smiles)
Doug: Okay, Monster, from now on, your name is...
Skeeter and Doug: Herman Melville! (Laughing)
(Cut to a crude drawing of Herman Melville's grave, which shakes)
Herman Melville: Ooooh! I feel disgraced somehow!
NC V/O: So they go to their friend Mr. Dink to tell him all about the monster. And to be fair, he DOES manage to deliver the only funny scene in the movie.
Mr. Dink: (wearing virtual reality gear) Virtual Reality! (He fits Skeeter and Doug with the gear)
Skeeter: It's like we're standing right in your living room!
Mr. Dink: Exactly! Everything's right where it is in real-life! It's exactly like being here! Only much more expensive.
(He removes the gear. Through the visor, all their VR gear vanishes, but reappears upon removal)
NC V/O: Sort of like watching Doug on the big screen, when you could be watching it at home for free!
Skeeter: Mr. Dink, meet Herman Melville! The monster of Lucky Duck Lake! (Introduces Mr. Dink to "Herman")
NC V/O: So they let the Mayor know about their discovery and... I guess because she's in politics, her first reaction is to cover it up.
Mayor Dink: You mean to tell me that he came out of that polluted lake? Bud, hang up!
Mr. Dink: Dear?
(Cut to the gang at the Dinks' dinner table)
Mayor Dink: Now, if we call the newspaper, owned by Bluffco, and tell them we got a story that Bill Bluff is a polluter, someone will kill the story, and let's just say, it won't be good for Herman, either.
NC: (onscreen, as the Mayor) Being the Mayor, it's not like I have any possible power to fix this problem at all, so I guess we're stuck. (beat; then speaks in normal voice as he chases a monster named "Clue" across the screen) Get a clue! Get a clue, you moron! Get a clue!
NC V/O: But she does decide to hold a press conference the next day to show the monster on her terms. (Cut to Doug meeting Patti at "Funkytown") So Doug tells Patti about what's going on... RIGHT IN FRONT OF GUY, WHO'S GOOD FRIENDS WITH MR. BLUFF!
Doug: We have proof Mr. Bluff's polluting the lake!
Guy: I wouldn't go around saying stuff you can't prove!
Doug: Well, I've got proof!
NC: (snaps in rage) DUMBASS!! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS!! (Stamps "Dumbass" all over Doug's face)
NC V/O: HOW MUCH OF A... DUMBASS ARE YOU?!
NC: In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of... (A picture of Tommy Wiseau from The Room is shown in the dictionary) WELL, IT SHOULD BE YOU IN THERE!
Guy: Well, you better watch yourself. Mr. Bluff got us into "Funkytown" to have a dance...
NC V/O: Stop saying "Fuckytown"! It's a G-rated flick! LEARN TO PRONOUNCE YOUR N'S!
Doug: You'll see tomorrow! It's going to be big, big, big, big, big news!
NC V/O: But when the day of the big news conference arrives, Doug thinks there's something suspicious about all the reporters. (ALL of them are dressed in heavy trench coats and fedoras) Gee, WHAT could've given him that idea? Maybe because they're all dressed like Robert Stack flashers?
Skeeter: (At the podium) Thank you, Mayor Tippi. (Skeeter makes a few of his trademark noises, much to everyone's confusion) Sorry, always wanted to do that on TV. Ahem.
NC: (dumbstruck) You're a waste of thought.
NC V/O: So to save the Monster, Doug totally bails on the news conference.
Doug: Something's not right. I think we made a big mistake. (Reporters clamor)
Reporter: Mr. Funnie, is this your idea of a joke?!
Doug: I'm sorry, I got to go now!
Guy: I knew it! Sea monsters, right?
Patti: I can't believe it. I had no idea Doug would lie like that!
NC V/O: (As Guy) I say we judge strictly by how it looks and in no way question motivation or character! (normal) So after they find out that the reporters did indeed work for Mr. Bluff, and that it was just a plan to capture the monster, The Mayor's plan is going to be: A) Have Bluff Arrested... B) Document all that she can through video and eye witnesses that the monster is real... or... C) Have some of Bud's famous leftover meatloaf.
(All three answers appear in red text onscreen)
Mayor Dink: Now what do you say we have some of Bud's famous leftover meatloaf?
Mr. Dink: Now you're talking! Let's go, boys!
NC: (onscreen, incredulous) AM I ON MARS?! Tell me I'm on Mars! None of this makes any goddamn sense! I must be on Mars!
NC V/O: I mean, this is as logical as Roger and his friends actually making that giant robot they were talking about...
(Cut to Roger and his friends... with the newly-constructed robot)
Roger's Henchmen: Robocrusher!
(NC stares in stunned disbelief)
NC V/O: Oh, what? YOU never did this in high school?! I did it all the time! Right after I made the Honor Roll in Muggle Studies!
Roger: Didn't you look at my plan?! it's supposed to be THIS big compared to me!
(Nerdy Student pulls out a shrinking ray (!) to shrink Roger to the size depicted in the plan)
NC V/O: But it's okay. They have a shrinking ray to make him the scale they wanted!
Roger: You dipsticks! This is wrong! Change me back! Change me back now!
NC V/O: Um, hey, here's an idea. Instead of calling a news conference about a sea monster, um, why don't you call a news conference about a bunch of HIGH SCHOOLERS THAT MADE A FUCKING SHRINKING RAY?! OR A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT?! Don't you think... THAT should get some attention? Don't you think instead of just shrugging comedically, these kids should get a Nobel Prize for changing the world of science as we fucking know it?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU JELLYBEAN-COLORED SIMPSON REJECTS?!
Colonel Jessep: Fuckin' people.
NC: But... I digress!
NC V/O: Things, believe it or not, get even weirder as Roger's robot turns into a motherly housemaid. A sort of Juliet Child-bot, if you will.
Robot: Now, let's change you out of that beastly outfit and into something more...presentable! (Holds up a sweater vest identical to Doug's)
NC V/O: Okay, this idea could be salvageable IF she gets in a bloody death match with Rosie from The Jetsons.
(Explosion, followed by a screen with two said-robots on either side of a caption reading "Robo DEATH-MATCH: Rosie vs. Robocrusher)
NC: (onscreen) I don't know how they fit in, but trust me, they couldn't make it any worse!
NC V/O: So because we're not done ripping off every G-movie cliche known to cinema, we now get the bit where they disguise the creature as a person, and, of course, everybody falls for it!
(Herman reappears, dressed up as a blonde, hipster-esque girl)
Principal: What's her name?
Doug: It's Herman...oniney.
Principal: Well, what a beautiful name, Hermanoniney.
NC V/O: (Chuckles) Hey, you know what? This is really stupid.
(Herman gorges down his food whole in the cafeteria as the girls, including Patti, look on)
Bebe: Look at Doug with that cute girl!
NC V/O: Wait a minute. WHAT?
Bebe: Look at Doug with that cute girl!
NC: OKAY! ALL RIGHT! (Flails about, highly agitated, as past clips are shown) I can believe the boys getting excited for the dance! I can believe the Mayor not using her powers at all to reveal an earth-shattering discovery! I can believe that high schoolers can build a giant robot AND a shrinking ray and have NONE of that get any media attention! BUT...if you expect me to believe that any high school girl--HIGH SCHOOL GIRL, mind you!--would look at this deformed demon, think he's a female student, and ACTUALLY VERBALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SHE'S CUTE... YOU! ARE ON! METH!!
NC V/O: I mean, my God! Do you have any idea how the teenage female mind works? They will pick apart ANYTHING that is not stylized perfection! This is the species that's turning THIS into a cultural phenomenon! (Stephanie Meyer's novel Twilight appears) They will criticize thighs. THIGHS, for God's sake! And you're seriously telling me that they would call this beauty show genocide CUTE?!!
NC: YOU ARE FIRED FROM BREATHING! Please, pack up your desk, and kindly leave LIFE!!
NC V/O: BUT... I DIGRESS!
Patti: Doug, I'm not gonna stand here and be lied to! I'm not blind, you know! I know who you're really spending your time with, that Hermione girl you've been hanging around with all day!
NC: (onscreen; tried to make the obvious joke, but gives up) I already made a Hogwarts joke, so I'll just let this one go.
Doug: Come on, Patti, she's not even a girl!
Patti: I know you think I must be dumb because I believed all of that monster stuff before, but I hope you don't think I'm that gullible, Doug!
NC: (motions a picture of "Herman" and compares it to a picture of Emma Watson) Well, you think that THAT is THAT, and... REALLY, Doug? You're trying to date this girl?
NC V/O: So later that night, Bluff captures the creature and they take him away. Trying to think of something to do, Doug comes across the story that Guy is writing for the school paper.
Doug: (Reads Guy's computer) On the screen... next week's Weekly Beebe.
Skeeter: "Monster Destroyed: Bill Bluff a Hero"?
Doug: We're too late. Herman's dead.
NC V/O: Wait, you just said it was next week, obviously, he wrote it ahead of time before it happened.
(At the Mr. Swirly's Ice Cream Parlor)
Doug: They killed Herman! This stinks!
NC V/O: Yeah, but, it's next week's paper.
Doug: "The horrible monster was blasted into smithereens thus saving the dance organized by cool upperclassman Guy Graham"?
NC V/O: (annoyed) It's next week's PAPER!
Skeeter: "Night of fun turns into night of terror..."
NC V/O: Didn't you see Tomorrow Never Dies?! It's a James Bond scheme! WAKE THE FUCK UP!
Doug: Wait, that's... The dance isn't until tonight! Of course! Guy wanted to make sure this was in next week's paper!
NC V/O: (As Doug) You mean when I said it was next week's paper, it was ACTUALLY next week's paper?
NC: Oh! Guy must've known I'd be stupid enough to do... whatever it is my brain just did there!
(Cut to the dance, guarded by a ridiculously large number of SWAT cops armed with lasers)
NC V/O: So the night of the dance comes and nobody seems to question why security has been upped to Nazi-level extremes.
Elwood J. Blues: (from The Blues Brothers) We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight! We would especially like to welcome all of the representatives of Illinois' law enforcement community, who have chosen to join us here tonight at the Palace Hotel ballroom at this time. We certainly hope you enjoy the show.
(Cut to Doug and Skeeter rescuing Herman from the giant heart-shaped float in which he was imprisoned)
NC V/O: They manage to find the monster and dress up the fem-bot to go in posing as him.
SWAT Cop: Fire!
(Bluff's men fire the robot mercilessly with their lasers, almost trashing the dance hall)
NC V/O: Whoa! Pretty harsh on the robot there, aren't you, guys?
Robot: (unmasked) Roger. Roger. Somebody... take this.
Officer: TAKE HIM!
(They again fire upon it mercilessly)
NC: (shocked) DUDE!
NC V/O: I can't believe how needlessly cruel they're being to this thing!
(Caption appears on screen: R.I.P. Old Femmy Robot: Friday 10:30 AM - Saturday 8:40 PM. Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" plays.)
(Cut to Skeeter and Doug finally getting Herman to his new home)
NC V/O: So they return the monster to the water and Bluff has to explain himself.
(An entire crowd and the Mayor arrive, catching Bluff red-handed)
Mr. Bluff: Mayor Dink!
Mayor Dink: Bill, I think you should discuss your pollution problems with me.
Mr. Bluff: Oh, yes, of course! Certainly, certainly! (Bluff falls to his knees, giving in)
NC V/O: And just like most elected officials, they come into the problem too late, do absolutely nothing to solve it, and yet somehow, they take all the credit when it finally works out. You elected them, folks!
(Doug talks to Patti, who becomes scared at the sight of the monster)
Doug: Patti? Are you okay, Patti? (Turns around) Herman!
NC V/O: But the monster comes back one more time to say goodbye after the people have left.
Skeeter: I forgot! I brought you something. Remember this, Herman Melville's works?
NC V/O: Yes, he writes about a monster in the water who people try to hunt down and kill. But don't worry, though, you'll enjoy the ending!
(Herman jumps into the lake as Bebe, Skeeter, Doug, Patti, and Porkchop all say goodbye)
All: See ya!
NC V/O: So he goes back into the water and we get to see our favorite character one last time before the film ends...
(Roger appears again to talk to Doug)
NC V/O: No, no, not that puke stain.
Robot: (broken, but alive) There you are! Oh, you forgot your... jacket. (Roger runs away screaming)
NC V/O: Oh, my God, I feel so sorry for this thing!
NC V/O: How is it in a cast of characters this big and literally this colorful, the only one I feel any amount of emotion for is the LIFELESS robot? It's actually kind of hard to watch!
NC: (onscreen, teary-eyed) Go give him his coat, Robot. You have America on your side!
Doug: Patti and I danced on the dock under the moon for quite some time. I wouldn't have minded if it had gone on forever.
(We zoom out on the water as the two couples dance; one large bubble pops up close as the film fades to black and the credits roll)
NC V/O: I'll just assume that's a fart we're ending on and call the film quits.
NC: (onscreen) So that was Doug's 1st Movie. (beat, then flails arms) Aren't you so glad they brought that to the big screen?
(Montage of scenes from the movie)
NC V/O: I mean, what was even the purpose? Nothing about it screamed cinema, so why did they even make it? I should probably guess it suffers from the same problem that the show suffers from: IT'S BLAND AND BORING! I hate this movie! I hate this show! I hate everything having to do with it!
NC: And thank God this is the last thing I ever have to review having to deal with it! Because I swear, if I hear that song ONE MORE TIME, I don't know what's gonna happen! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it--
(The original Doug theme from Nickelodeon plays; the Critic pauses and spontaneously explodes. We then hear Jessep's line for the last time.)
Colonel Jessep: Fuckin' people.
(Credits Roll with the Nickelodeon Doug theme playing.)
(Channel Awesome logo appears)
Robot: Roger. Roger. Roger...