July 24rd, 2012
We open on the Webmaster again.
Webmaster: Everyone has something they can't imagine parting with. Something precious. Mark Twain once said "There's no grief that can be called little." The loss of a child's doll can be equal to the loss of a king's crown. I lost my doll once. It told me it loved me. It's the only thing that ever told me it loved me. By God, I miss you, Mr. Popples. Anyway, this is a story about a similar desire. There are some things the denizens of the internet cannot live without. I call this one Dragged In.
The opening credits roll in space. We're brought to Earth to find a dog in a garden in front of a building.
Subtitles: "No Tribble At All" Vet Clinic 1:23 pm
We see the patients inside waiting with their pets. We see a bald man as we hear a voice address him.
Mr. Donovin (Leo Thompson): OK, Mr. Archer, here you go. (Hands Archer his pet case) And the doc says we shouldn't need to see Fluffy for another two weeks.
Archer: Awesome, man. Thanks so much.
Donovin: It's really not a problem but remember. No cheese.
Archer: I know. I know.
Suddenly, two agents in black suits walk up to behind Donovin. Archer looks scared as he moves away.
Donovin: Is there something wrong, Mr. Archer? (One of the men in black tap his shoulder and he turns around) Um. (They flash their badges to him)
Agent 1: Mr. Donovin. You need to come with us.
Donovin: What? No. Just who the hell are you guys?
Agent 2: We're here on the authority of the United States government.
Donovin: Oh, uh, Doc! The government is here. They say I need to go with them.
Doc: (offscreen) Ha. It's about time they took you away.
Cut to them in the parking lot.
Donovin: Ok, guys, look. I just want to know what I'm getting into here.
Agent 1: A white unmarked van.
Donovin: Seriously? No. I mean like. Why me?
Agent 1: We don't know.
Donovin: Sir. You don't know.
Agent 2: Your security clearance is higher than ours.
Donovin: I don't know. You guys must be pretty high if you're interested in me.
They throw him into their van and it cuts to them at the (as the subtitles put it) Secret Government Facility 6:47 pm, where he is shoved into a board room.
Agency Chief (Nick Wright): Mr. Donovin. We're glad you're here. Please SIT DOWN.
Donovin: Uh. Why am I here?
Agency Chief: A situation has arisen that requires your specific set of skills.
Donovin: Cleaning up dog poop?
Board member 1: You sell yourself short, Mr. Donovin. Yours was one of the most brilliant minds to study linguistics as the prestigious Raw University.
Donovin: Yeah? So what? I majored in linguistics unobtainology with a minor in mcguffinism. Not that I can get a job with it. Now all I do is hold down cats while someone pokes them with a needle.
Agency Chief: Three days ago, we received the first confirmed communication from beyond our solar system.
Board member 2: Radiostronomers have traced the transmission to a planet 27 lightyears away from earth.
Donovin: Seriously? Confirmed? Um. What did it say?
Board member 3: Our top linguistics experts have been around the clock to develop a translation matrix that would allow us to understand it, but we've had very little success.
Agency Chief: If you would, please turn your attention to the screen.
Video Narrator: This video is the exclusive property of the United States government and is presented on explicit need-to-know basis. Any unauthorized viewing, reproduction, distribution, chatting about over drinks, conviently overhearing, nudge nudge, wink wink, tight justiculations in reference to tweeting or sexting is strictly prohibited.
The video shows an alien being.
Alien: People of Eaaarrrr....
The video goes staticy and turns off as the people groan.
Agency Chief: I don't know what's going on here.
Board member 3: Does it have batteries?
Agency Chief: Yes, it has batteries.
Board member 4: Try rotating them.
Agency Chief: I rotated them. Uh, it was working this morning.
They try watching the message on a cellphone but it is too staticy.
Alien: People of Earth. We are the Kotoza of the Planet... We've come here to...pornograpyness. We require...We demand...Our we destroy your entire plan...
Donovin: I can't believe this is happening. This is crazy.
Board member 1: Can you do something with it, son?
Donovin: I might be able to, but it's definitely gonna take some time.
Agency Chief: This is a resource I'm afraid we have precious little of, Mr. Donovin.
Board member 2: We believe the extraterrestrials may already be on the way.
Scientist: Our gamma ray detectors have fractured ... (checks his phone) seven dragtit(?) volts graduating scale increasing to a power level of ... 240 electron volts.
Donovin: So that means...?
Agency Chief: THEY'VE REACHED ALPHA CENTAURI!
Donovin: So, what does that mean?
Board member 4: It means they're almost here.
Cut to Mr. Donovin's house 8:19 pm. In a montage bit, we see him at his computer at work checking his radar, listening into his headphones, drinking coffee, going to the bathroom briefly, until he finally smiles and grabs his cellphone.
Donovin: All right. I figured it out, but I don't think you're gonna like the results. I know I don't.
Agency Chief: Show me. (Cut to him listening to the cellphone message)
Alien: We demand you hand over this entire species or we destroy your entire planet.
Agency Chief: My God. Well. With the fate of the entire planet in their hands, we have no choice.
Cut to black
Title Card: 1 week later.
Subtitles: Mr. Donovin's Home 3:04 pm.
Mr. Donovin sits down at his couch and turns on his TV to a breaking report.
Buck Hamilton (Allen Stephens): Oh, Bacon. Oh. If you had a face, I would punch you in it with my tongue. Come here. Yeah. Wash you down with a little bourbon, too.
Voice (offscreen): You're on the air.
Hamilton: Oh, uh. (Places his bacon into his bourbon) Good evening. Reports are now coming in from around the world of bizarre and instantaneous house cat disappeances.
Donovin changes the channel.
Sunny Peachcastle (Alisa Marie): Pros were horrified as executives were seen leaping to their deaths from the fancy feast-offices earlier today
Arthur Pilkington (Ian Kent): We have obtained exclusive video from the translated alien message in which the creatures claim that they have quote "scanned our internets." The extraterrestrials go on to claim that while they quote "have no interest in our pornographies, Earth's cats are the cutest beings in the known universe and must be surrendered.:"
Peachcastle: This is causing worldwide panic as cat owners were seen weeping in the streets. We now go to social mediums for the reactions of some of the victims of this worldwide catnapping epidemic.
Phelan Porteous: Guys, my cat's missing.
Mike Dodd: Just found out. There's no more cats in the world.
Brad Jones: There's cats missing? That's ... That's just not true.
Phelan: I-I just. I miss him so much.
Allison Pregler: I really. I miss that fat bastard. She was, you know, not a good cat, but she was my cat and...
Mike: But you wanna know the worst thing about all this? It's 2013. You can't waste anything.
Brad: Well, I woke up this morning and my cats were right here. Look. Look. (Pulls out a stuffed kitten) There's Big Lloyd. See, he's big. He's got his whiskers.
Mike: This is whiskus.
Allison: I just want to know what happened. I didn't leave the door open.
Brad: Lloyd and Chloe. Rar rar rar rar rar rar. They're ... everything's normal. Ha ha ha ha ha. Everything's fine.
Mike: (opens up his whiskus and whiffs it) Ugh.
Phelan: (holding a white cat) There. I found a replacement cat. I don't need him. I'm gonna call you better than Tamika. (Leaves and there's a flash of light) Hey, where'd it go?
Hamilton: In the face of this tragic occurence, a furry community has taken it upon themselves to supply the internet with new and, hopefully, entertaining feline videos.
(Shows a video of two guys in a cat and dog costume as the cat guy lies on the ground)
Cat guy: No. I die.
Peachcastle: It's not Hello Kitty these pet owners are saying but Goodbye.
Pilkington: I guess all we're left to do is just hang in there. I'm quoting a bloody poster?
Hamilton: It seems that today, the weekend has no cheeseburgers.
Title Card: One Sad, Cat-less Week Later...
Donovin plays with some yarn as he looks up longingly. We go up into Space 7:32 pm on the aliens' ship.
Alien 1 (vo): There's cat vomit everywhere! (Cut to him on the ship) I've never seen a creature vomit this much when it's not sick.
Alien Leader: Anyone wanna play with string? Have you seen what happens when they eat the string?
Alien 1: They eat wet food. They eat dry food.
Alien 2: (entering) Finally, that's the last of them. Who'd known it would've have been difficult to heard these creatures.
Alien Leader: Why do they wait till we're in out rejuvination chambers before they run back and forth through the ship. That is when I am TRYING to rejuvinate!
Alien 2: I have no idea where to obtain bovine-laction fluid anywhere near our own system.
Alien 1: And they're always scratching at the airlock. You can't go out there, cat. There's space out there.
Alien 2: There is so much hair clinging to every shred of my vestments. Where were the cute videos about this?
Cut back to Mr. Donovin. Suddenly, a cat appears in his lap.
Donovin: Oh, well. Hey. There you are, you little vomit monster. I missed you. Aw.
Mike Dodd: I'm fat. Don't judge me. (Eats his whiskus)
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