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Dragonbored

NostalgiaCritic-Dragonbored956

Date Aired:
July 23rd, 2013
Running Time
43:23
Website


Superior Ed. Note: No. You finish it.

We open with the Channel Awesome logo, as well as the title "The Uncanny Valley", as we fade to black and hear a voice. As the voice continues to speak, we cut to a dark swamp at night with a shadowy figure.

Figure: The Uncanny Valley, a nebulous undefined realm quite like our own and yet, not. What lurks in the digital bowels of the unknown? The deranged. The disturbed. The diseased.

The figure (played by Nash) reveals himself:

Webmaster: I am the Webmaster, weaver of a web of horrors. Join me as we travel to another dimension. A dimension, not only of sight and sound, but of memes. That Google search up ahead. The next stop: The Uncanny Valley.

The Webmaster gives an evil grin, when suddenly...

Voice: Uh, hello.

The Webmaster confusingly looks to his side to find a man (played by Rob Walker) wearing a brown robe, goggles, and a construction helmet with a yin-yang symbol on it.

WM: Who are you?

Man: Uh, I'm Thomas.

WM: What can I do for you, Thomas?

Thomas: Um, well, I'm supposed to film here.

WM: Film?

Thomas: Um, yeah, I have my own show, uh, Meditation Safety

The Meditation Safety title card appears with Thomas and text saying "Your cosmic connection to the ultimate protection. 6 days since our last injury.

Thomas: (vo) Meditating the safe and responsible way

WM: Well, safety is of no concern here. (Starts a haunting moaning sound...)

Thomas: It really should be because do you know how many people die from improper meditation every year?

WM: How many?

Thomas: Well, none, thanks to us.

WM: Well, be gone, Obi-Wan Granola. Leave my web of horrors immediately.

Thomas: Is that where we're supposed to be? You know, I hope when you key this green screen effect, you, uh, you do it right because if not, like if I wave my hand really fast like this (waves his arm up and down) See that green line. It will be very distracting.

WM: Listen, Veggie Burger. The station said I had this studio until 8.

Thomas: Oh. Oh goodness gracious me. They must have double-booked. You know, this is why it's always good to take your pinko bilobo(?)

WM: Can you get out of here now?

Thomas: Not before I balance your shockwaves. They are...

WM: BEAT IT!!!

Thomas: Fine. (He leaves) I'll just be over here, feng shui-ing the dinner table.

WM: Our first tale shows how a playful online obsession can become a deadly online obsession, except nobody really dies, but they get plenty annoyed. Isn't that dark? I call this tale...

Thomas: (vo) Oh my God. Krispie Kreme is still around? You know this stuff is terrible for you.

WM: ...As I was saying. I call this...

Thomas: (vo) Does anyone have any sprouted tofu? (The Webmaster throws his top hat to the side) Oh my third eye!

WM: I call this tale, Dragonbored.

We fade to black.

Our story begins on an interview show called Game Start.

Monica (Dayna Munday): So, Terry Zahn, head of Mephesto. Tell us about your latest game, Aura Scrolls On-line Skyguard. Is it better than the previous installment?

Terry (Trevor Mueller): No, Monica. It's better than life.

Monica: How so?

Terry: Three words for you, baby: Interactvity. We've created a fully realized fantasy world where you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and let me tell you. You can get married. You can have kids. You can't kill your kids yet, but we're working on a patch for that. Also, you'll eventually be able to fly a fricking dragon. How cool would that be? Flying around, dominating kingdoms, with your firebreathing sauce all over their fucking faces. The thought of it just puts me in the mood. Fuck, it's your adventure.

Monica: And you don't feel that comes with its own set of problems, like the South Korean boy who became so enamored with the game that he starved himself to death?

Terry: Monica, it's just like anything else. It's about personal choice.

Monica: And what about the choice to release it on the PSB(?)?

Terry: It's true it's an older console, so it comes with some bugs. Some big bugs, but we're working around the clock to fix those.

Monica: Awesome.

Terry: It's better than life.

We fade to black as we cut to the Dragonbored title card. We then cut to our main character, Carl (played by Karl Custer), in his apartment playing Skyguard. We then see his messing coffee table, including a paper saying "Merger Proposal due Tues." His phone rings as he mumbles to himself. He then picks it up with his foot and holds it up to his ear as he continues playing.

Carl: Y'ello.

We cut to an office building.

Teylin (Malcolm Ray): Hey, it's Teylin, uh, what are you doing.

Carl: Playing

Teylin: I thought you were sick.

Carl: Oh, yeah, I am (coughs into his phone).

Teylin: You got that merger proposal covered?

Carl: (Checks his cluttered mess) Oh, yeah, nearly done.

Teylin: Oh, why wouldn't you finish it.

Carl: I will, I'm just gonna get thorough this one dungeon.

Teylin: What're you playing?

Carl: Skyguard.

Teylin: Dude that's not a game, that's a lifestyle choice. You know, I hear like one dungeon's like 12 hours long.

Carl: 12 and a half.

Teylin: How many are them out there?

Carl: Like a hundred and it's awesome.

Teylin: You're not going World of Warcrack on me, are you?

Carl: Okay, that was Warcraft.

Teylin: I know what I said. We need this done or we'll risk both our asses.

Carl: Our asses are fine, Teylin. First thing tomorrow, it's going on LeBron's desk. Trust me.

Teylin: Alright. Feel better.

Carl: Got it. (Call ends. He looks at his phone) 12 voice mails? (Presses the phone using his nose)

Jessica (Rachel Tietz): (speaking thought the phone) *beep* Hey sweety, it's Jess. Ah, working late. Just wanted to remind you to take out the garbage. *beep* Hey, me again. Don't forget the garbage. Remember there's chicken bones in there. *beep* Um, give me call when you can... garbage. *beep* Yeah um, just a reminder...

(Carl drops the phone in frustration.)

Carl: (to himself) Jesus, how many reminders does a guy need?

Jessica: (appears beside him, holding the garbage bag)Jesus, how many reminders does a guy need?

Carl: So now it's my job. (looks at Jessica)

(We see him taking the garbage down stairs and struggling to put it in the dumpster.)

Jessica: (In the bedroom, talking on the phone) No, he hasn't asked the question yet. He's very busy. Stuff. Important stuff. No, he's not going World of Warcrack. How do you even know what that is? Well, I'm glad he's found a new hobby. *door closing* Gotta go. (Turns off her cellphone and jumps posing on the bed.) Well despite the lack of garbage etiquette, I think we can still have a nice night together, don't you?

Carl: Ah yeah. (putting on headphones) You know it, honey. (Continues playing again.)

Jessica: (Waiting) Are you coming to bed?

Carl: (offscreen) Yes honey. Wrap up this one game.

(Jessica sighs as she waits for him. We see her later reading "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship")

Jessica: Honey?

Carl: (offscreen) Yeah, five more minutes.

(Jessica continues reading and we see her later alright asleep.)

Carl: Oh my god, another load screen. I could have been in bed 15 minutes ago if it didn't have a load... (looks down his phone as he start to remembers) Jessica. *phone ringing* (He takes off his headphones and answers the phone.) Hello.

Teylin: Let me predict the scenario. You're up playing Skyguard. You're woman neither regions lay cold. Your report is on the table, unfinished and your best friend set an alarm to remind you at 2 am to see if this ludicrous prophecy has been fulfilled.

Carl: I'll get it done.

Teylin: ...Is what I'll chisel on your tombstone tomorrow morning.

Carl: (puts down phone) *sigh* (gets up) Whatever hell happened to fun? What happened to my freedom? What happened to adventure? (looks down at the console) Sometimes I wish life were more like you Skyguard.

We see sparks from the plug, which Carl notices as he leaves the room. The sparks move to the console and light flashes from it. Carl walks to it in amazement. Then a huge spark shoots from the console to Carl, in which he dodges it and ducks to the floor. As the console stops flashing, we see Carl laying down. Then suddenly, a sword strikes down in front of him and sees a pair of medieval-looking shoes. Carl looks up to see who it is. There stands a mysterious man (played by Doug Walker), holding the sword, wearing clothes from the Middle Ages, with a long and messy hair.

Man: (looking down at Carl) Am I dead? Is this just Skyguard?

(Carl looks up in awe.)

Carl: (puts down a shot glass as he calls on his phone) Yes, literally. The character I created, right here, in my living room. Minor bug!? This is a cockroach the size of a zeppelin! This is a not a minor bug. Well, his name is Jimbroth. Yeah, level 62, human barba... Of course you don't have a record of that username because he's literally right here. Yo, you idiots made the game, so do you know what's gonna happen. (turning to Jimbroth, speaking softly) Okay, I'm sorry. Can you put that down please? Thank you. (back to phone) No, you're not gonna win the Noble Prize! You're gonna come over here to my house, you're going to collect him, you're going to put him back in the game so I can finish the game and then maybe, just maybe, not get your asses sued by me! What do you mean I wait my users...? No, I didn't read the User's Agreement. Nobody reads the User's Agreement. That thing's longer than the bible. Oh yeah, well, maybe I will. No, you have a nice day! (puts down phone and looks at Jimbroth).

(Cut to the end credits of the game as Carl watches and Jimbroth looks with intrigue)

Jimbroth: What a mighty scroll of the mages is this?

Carl: (pushing JImbroth aside) It's called the User's Agreement.

Jimbroth: (Looks back on) A mighty tome this is. It appears there are a hundred fifty pages left.

Carl: (gets up) Screw it. I'll just take their word for it.

Jimbroth: Your kingdom is really quite amazing.

Carl: Yeah, I should probably explain some things. My name is Carl...

Jimbroth: (looking in Carl's fridge) This ebony coffin preserves winter for food and ale.

Carl: (closing the fridge) It's not as neat as you think.

Jimbroth: What is this enchanted alter.

Carl: It's a stove. (Turns it on) Fire.

Jimbroth: By Quicksilver's clow. Does it run on a soul gem?

Carl: No. Runs on natural gas.

Jimbroth: You harness the winds of the bowels. Thou art powerful magic.

Carl: Sure.

Jimbroth: (pulling some flowers from a vase) What sort of plant does not need water?

Carl: It's fake. It can't die.

Jimbroth: You have stopped time itself. So, it has come to this. This is the kingdom of the dead. This is Sovenheim.

Carl: No, this is North Riverside. We're practically Berwin.

Jimbroth: Berwin? Is that an Orc-ish paradise?

Carl: Suburb.

Jimbroth: Of Sovenheim?

Carl: Chicago.

Jimbroth: The ... gateway of Sovenheim?

Carl: Why don't we sit down.

(He agrees as they play Skyguard)

Jimbroth: So, this mystical portal. It shares in our peoples' adventures?

Carl: Oh yeah. I mean, it kinda shared yours before you, you know, came here. Now I'm playing this dwarf guy, I guess.

Jimbroth: And you control him?

Carl: Yeah, here. Watch. Make him spin in a circle and run into a tree.

Jimbroth: And not the divine?

Carl: No, no. I'm pretty low on the totem pole.

Jimbroth: I fear to see what matter of man is higher than this.

Carl: We call them the one-persons.

(Carl then puts the game away)

Jimbroth: Your portal was fascinating but unmoving. You did literally nothing but sit there the whole time. My legs ache to see this realm. This world.

Carl: Um, no. Sleep.

Jimbroth: Sleep?

Carl: Yeah.

Jimbroth: You need to lie down after sitting there for 3 hours.

Carl: It's harder than it looks. Couch is over there. All right, see you in the morning. Try not to break anything.

(He lies down in bed with Jessica)

Jessica: Everything all right?

Carl: Oh yeah, honey. Everything's fine. I just unleashing a level-27 human barbarian speckle(?) warrior on the world.

Jessica: That's nice.

(Carl then stares at the ceiling still amazed by what happened. The next morning he finds Jimbroth at his kitchen table talking with a little girl.)

Jimbroth: ... I put a bucket over his head and stole everything in sight.

Carl: Morning. Who is she?

Jimbroth: Oh, greetings. This youngling was almost waylaid away (she waves to Carl) by bandits steering a growling yellow worm of terrible power.

Carl: That's a school bus, you idiot.

Jimbroth: So, I slit his black paws...

Carl: That's vehicular vandalism.

Jimbroth: ...spirited away at swordpoint,...

Carl: Assault with a deadly weapon.

Jimbroth: ...brought her back here,...

Carl: That's kidnapping.

Jimbroth: ...and fed her sweet treats and ale to restore her stamina.

Carl: That ... It's that my hard cider?

Girl: That's OK, mister. We were gonna have a test today, anyway. (Hiccups)

Carl: Oh my God, she's drunk. No, you have to get out now. No. Now, before DCIF shows up. If anyone asks, you were never here. This is all a dream. This is all a dream.

Girl: This guy. I love this guy.

Jimbroth: It is dangerous to go alone. Take this. (Hands her a dagger)

Girl: Awesome.

Carl: No. No. Get out of here, you little runt. (Sends her out the door) And don't tell your parents. She should be in school. Sober.

Jimbroth: But how will she experience the world.

Carl: Supervised in a drab government building. (He opens his microwave to find medieval trinkets inside) What is this?

Jimbroth: What is this?

Carl: This. Why does my microwave look like a yard sale hosted by Bilbo Baggins?

Jimbroth: I must admit. Your treasure chest was rather small.

(Irritated, Carl opens his stove to find a severed head inside)

Carl: Ahh. Explanation?

Jimbroth: It is a Grandi Witch's head.

Carl: I know what it is. Why is it in the oven?

Jimbroth: To ward off evil spirits. I've sworn an oath to protect you.

Carl: All right. Listen.

Jessica: Carl.

Carl: Son of a... (He tosses the head out the window and a splash is heard)

Jessica: Why is there dirt all over the carpet? I just shampooed. (Comes out draggin a sword) And what is this? Are you working for Castle Greyskull now?

Jimbroth: And you is this maiden of beguiling beauty?

Jessica: Who? What?

Carl: Honey. I tried to tell you about him last night.

Jimbroth: I am Jimbroth, Dragonlord of Skyguard. If by life or death I can protect you, I will. (Kisses her hand as she giggles) My sword and shield are yours if you but grasp my hilt (Offers his sword)

Jessica: Uh, sure. Uh, maybe later.

Carl: Honey, what are you playing at?

Jessica: What, me? He's the player.

Jimbroth: I do play. (Starts playing a flute, without even touching the flute with his lips interestingly enough)

Carl: The only player in this household is me.

Jessica: That's debatable.

Carl: Honey. Shut up.

Jimbroth: Be still your tongue! You do not speak to a virtuous maiden as such.

Jessica: Yeah.

Carl: Excuse me, honey. When did you stop being all "equality of the sexes?"

Jessica: You know. Sometimes, it's nice for a woman to have a man sweep her off her feet.

Carl: Whatever. You are all crazy creatures.

Jimbroth: No! No, I will not have that! Women are bold, beautiful, angelic, and sometimes property to be sold as men see fit, but they are never creatures.

Jessica: You hear that?

Carl: Did you miss the part where he said he can sell you like a camel?

Jessica: I can change him. (Cut to her and Carl talking alone) So what're we gonna do with him?

Carl: I don't know.

Jessica: Did you try the Konami Code?

Carl: Jessica, be serious.

Jessica: Did you try breaking open the game console?

Carl: And do what? Summon Zuul? I don't think our renter's insurance is going to cover portals to Gozer. No, we got to try and return him somehow. I'm thinking Gamestop. They might spot me some store credit.

Jessica: Well, we can't set him loose.

Carl: Why not?

Jessica: Look at him. He's so innocent.

Jimbroth: (turns on the ceiling fan) A dwarfish trap! (Draws his sword and places himself under the fan) Stay back gentle friends.

Carl: Well, maybe you're right. Oh, crap. I gotta go. I'm gonna be late.

Jimbroth: Shh.

Carl: (hits his hand) Stop stabbing the furniture!

(Jimbroth continues to "protect" as Carl heads out the door and down the stairs)

Jessica: Where are you going?

Carl: Work.

Jessica: Well, what about me?

Carl: Just make sure he stays here. Jimbroth. Frostbite spider. (Jimbroth runs back inside) See.

Jessica: Wait. What if somebody suspects?

Carl: Suspects what? Jessica, he's just a guy whose staying with us. Trust me, baby. Nobody's gonna suspect anything out of the ordinary, except for some inebriated 8-year old that nobody is gonna believe anyways, whose probably still lost.

Jessica: What?

(A nearby fisherman screams as he finds the severed head in the pond)

Carl: Gotta go.

(Cut to Carl at his office)

Carl: Teylin.

Teylin: Merger propsal.

Carl: Nearly done.

Teylin: Last week. What about his week?

Carl: I've been busy.

Teylin: Online? Slaying dragons?

Carl: And trolls.

Teylin: I'm taking the game from you.

Carl: Fine.

Teylin: Cool.

Carl: When I'm done with it.

Teylin: That'll take six years. Longer than the merger's gonna take.

Carl: All in good time.

Teylin: Well, that's all you're gonna have when Lebron gets through with you.

(Carl sees his boss Lebron (Fard Muhammad) talk with woman coworker.)

Teylin: Good luck, buddy.

(Meanwhile, back at the apartment)

Jessica: OK, Jimbroth. I have to go to work so you be good and... (The apartment is empty) Shit!

(And back at the office)

Lebron: Lisa. Where is Carl?

Lisa (Jori Laws): He's in, sir.

Lebron: Perfect. I want that no-good, shiftless, witless, mindless, lazy, incompetent, incoherent sack of worthlessness to know just what a cancer he has become on the anus of such a fine company. (Lisa motions to behind him) I know he's behind me. (To Carl) So, cancer. How's the report coming?

Carl: Well, I...

Lebron: Unacceptable.

Carl: Ok.

Lebron: Fix it.

Carl: Right.

Lebron: Now.

Carl: Sir.

Lebron: Oh, and Carl. One more mistake and you're fired. Now with that being said, who is your friend in the corner?

(Carl sees Jimbroth sitting in the corner with his cloak on and holding his sword.)

Carl: Shit. He's...

Lebron: You're fired.

Carl: But I...

Lebron: You know we don't allow visitors.

Carl: Lebron. Please listen.

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