Stephen King's Dreamcatcher
October 11, 2016
(The 2016 Nostalgia-Ween opening plays, before showing NC, wearing his Nostalgia-Ween shirt, in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (Suddenly notices a glass of wine, while Beethoven's "Fur Elise" plays) Why, what is this? (Sniffs the wine) I'm getting...anti-religious commentary. (Sniffs the wine) A hint of...one-dimensional villains and/or rednecks. (Sniffs the wine) And a...soupcon of something really stupid trying to come across as scary but instead coming across as really stupid. (Gasps and smiles) IT'S STEPHEN KING TIME!
(Stephen King is shown bobbing his head near the background of a children's castle as children cheer and the logo "Stephen King Time!" is shown. Footage of Stephen King's adaptations (It, The Tommyknockers, The Langoliers, The Shining Mini-Series, Children of the Corn) NC reviewed before are shown as NC speaks)
NC (vo): Sometimes, I feel bad picking on this guy's worst work, but his worst work is clearly having so much fun being his worst work that, in the end, everybody's having a good time. So, let's keep the Nostalgia-Ween tradition going by looking at his 2003 film...
NC: ...The Story Where Aliens Come Out of People's Butts! (The poster of the movie is briefly shown with NC's title) I mean, Dreamcatcher. (The poster with the real title is briefly shown) I mean...The Story Where Aliens Come Out of People's Butts.
(The movie's logo is shown, before showing the movie's clips)
NC (vo): Yep. This was the first book King wrote after his nearly fatal car accident in 1999. Does it show?
(A scene showing an alien coming out of a person's butt (the butt is censored by an image of King's face) is shown)
NC: With King, it's hard to tell.
(We resume seeing movie clips)
NC (vo): This is the film everyone remembers specifically for one reason: It has monsters that explode out of your ass.
(A scene from a movie showing Bill Pullman making a disgusted sound is shown. Note: Which is the movie? Tell me.)
NC (vo): Because apparently, there's nothing more terrifying than shit-weasels. You may laugh at me calling them that, but that's the official term even the movie gives them!
Colonel Abraham Curtis: What about the shit-weasels?
NC (vo): King said in an interview that he wanted to do for the toilet what Psycho did for the shower. But I don't think you can do that when "shit-weasel" is the name that's being thrown around.
Colonel Abraham Curtis: What about the shit-weasels?
NC (vo): So let's take a look at what obviously came out of somebody's ass...
NC: Come on, King. That joke was gift-wrapped by you. This is Dreamcatcher.
(The movie's opening credits are shown)
NC (vo): We open with every early 2000s credit sequence with blurry close-ups of things...Yay! You're every kid who laid his head on the desk and held his eraser to his eye!...as we see the director is the writer of The Empire Strikes Back and The Force Awakens (Lawrence Kasdan). And clearly, he's still getting his snow fetish on. (Images of snowy scenes from both Star Wars films are shown) Seriously, is this a thing? (Cut to a psychiatrist named Henry talking with a man) It starts with a psychiatrist named Henry, who can read his patients' minds because he's a psychic...
(The caption "Psychic" appears below Henry)
NC: Wow! Not even a minute in, and we have a trope that he uses all the time!
Henry: She called out to you from that big fancy old bed.
Man: How could you know what happened?
Henry: Does it matter?
NC: Okay, look, King, I know everybody has a style, but...there's only so many ways I can make jokes about using the same cliches!
(Various past Stephen King-related jokes are shown)
NC: I know you're very comfortable doing the same thing over and over and over, but I'm not! (Images of NC's past running gags, Elephant in the Room, Chuck Norris, M. Bison saying "Of course!", Casper saying "Timing!" and the Bat Credit Card, are shown briefly) For the most part. Do I really have to find a new way to make fun of your flura of originality? (Beat) Hey, where does this take place, anyway?
(The movie's caption reveals that it takes place in, yep, Derry, Maine. We immediately cut to NC hosting a game of Stephen King Jeopardy, with Malcolm, Tamara and Chester A. Bum as contestants)
NC: And the board belongs to you, Tamara. Which category would you like to choose?
Tamara: Let's do Unexplained Psychics for 200.
(The clue is shown on the board as NC reads it)
NC: You'll find children and/or adults can do literally the unexplained with their minds here. (Malcolm presses the button) Malcolm?
Malcolm: What is every Stephen King story ever written?
Malcolm: Annoying Long Flashbacks for 400.
(The Video Daily Double logo is shown on the board)
NC: That is the video Daily Double.
(The movie shows a flashback showing a group of boys encountering a bully tormenting a kid)
NC (vo): Look. Boys from the past being threatened by bullies as developed as wet cardboard.
(Tamara presses the button)
Tamara: What is every Stephen King story ever written?
Tamara: Let's do Ugh for 600.
(The clue is shown on the board)
NC: An alcoholic...of course, of course an alcoholic. (Chester presses the button) Chester?
Chester: What is the point of me being here?
NC: No, I'm so sorry. The correct answer was, "What is every Stephen King story ever written?".
Chester: No, I'm seriously asking, what is the point of me being here?
NC: We needed a third pace to be filled.
Chester: Can I still get that sandwich you promised me?
NC: No. (Speaks to the viewers, as Chester is shown looking sad) Join us next time on Stephen King Jeopardy, which will be almost immediately!
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So Henry uses his psychic powers to help paranoid people think they're even more paranoid.
Henry: Harry, do you think this compulsive eating has something to do with thinking you killed your mother? That you're eating yourself to death?
Harry: (scared) You're looking in my head! (Jumps out of his seat) Stop it! Leave me alone! (Leaves the room)
NC: Subtle use of your talent. What happens to this guy?
Henry: He ate himself to death.
NC: Heal the world!
(We see a man named Joe "Beaver" Clarendon drinking at a bar)
NC (vo): We then cut to Jason Lee where he usually is after shooting a Chipmunks movie, as he gives a call to his other psychic friend, Jonesy, played by Damian Lewis.
Jonesy: Wanna talk?
Beaver: No, I'm trying to get home to Carla and the kids.
Jonesy: What's up?
NC (vo; as Beaver): I'm waiting to be cast as Deadpool. (As Jonesy) That's Ryan Reynolds. You're Jason Lee. (As Beaver) Goddamn it. (Normal) But Jonesy is suddenly inspired to do his best Stephen King impression.
(As he's crossing the street, Jonesy is suddenly run over by a car)
NC: If he didn't want people to talk about it, he wouldn't have written that in there.
NC (vo): In fact, it's kind of amazing how much this scene doesn't fit. After being picked up by that year's winner of Worst Actress in an Ambulance...
Paramedic woman: (tending to Jonesy) I think it's no good. I think he's gone.
NC (vo): Yeah, I would die after hearing that read, too. (Cut to the next scene showing Jonesy alive and well six months later) He spontaneously comes back to life, and we cut to six months later where he seems perfectly fine.
NC: What was the point of that?
NC (vo): It's said later through some complicated King writing that because he technically died and came back, this blocks off part of his mind from the alien.
Harry: When he came back from the dead, it must've changed him somehow.
NC (vo): But why don't they just use the excuse that he's psychic as the reason why? It's a lot shorter and keeps the story more focused. (Cut back to the scene where Jonesy gets run over) This doesn't add anything to anything, except an excuse for me to play funny sound effects over it.
(The clip of Jonesy getting run over is replayed with different funny sound effects over it)
NC: Unless it somehow ties us in to that car being the lovechild of (Images of...) Christine and the Green Goblin Truck from Maximum Overdrive. In which case, take all the time you need for that story! There are no wrong choices there.
(We see the main characters hanging out at a cabin)
NC (vo): Our four psychic friends meet up yearly in their cabin in the woods to...be in their cabin in the woods. I don't know. I don't get camping.
Pete: In the movies, when people wake up together in the morning, they immediately start kissing and then going at it, but what they never do is get up first, take a leak, and brush their goddamn teeth.
NC: Okay, you do not get to make fun of other movie cliches!
NC (vo): If one of them was like, "Hey, should we talk about Stephen King cliches?"...
NC: ...there'd be four skeletons never heard from again!
Jonesy: I'm filing that in the "Who-gives-a-shit" section of my memory warehouse.
Beaver: Uh, what's the memory warehouse?
(Cut to Jonesy walking about in a large library inside his mind)
NC (vo): Speaking of libraries of cliches, they establish that everybody's mind has a memory warehouse. Honestly, not a bad idea, especially for a story about mind control. It even has a spot for recycled sepia tone memories.
(We see a flashback of the four guys as kids walking around and finding stuff on the floor. Editor's note: I'm gonna refer to the kids as "Kid #1" and "Kid #2" since I don't know which kids are which. If someone does know, I'd allow an edit)
Kid #1: Some kid's shirt.
Kid #2: So?
Kid #1: It's new.
(One kid picks up a Scooby-Doo lunchbox)
Kid #3: Scooby-Doo.
NC: (confused) That was important to know.
Kid #3: Scooby-Doo.
NC (vo; as Kid #3): Season 4. Casey Kasem was still Shaggy, before the dark times of the Scrappy Years.
(The kids encounter a bully tormenting a kid named Duddits)
Kid #1: Hey, you guys!
NC (vo): They see a mentally disabled boy named Douglas, or as he says, Duddits, being beaten up by bullies.
Kid #2: You'd better watch it.
Bully: Why is that?
Kid #2: I know who you are.
Bully: I'm trembling with fear.
Kid #3: So what do you think people will say when we tell them what we caught you doing?
NC: (feeling uncomfortable) Call me crazy, I just don't like seeing scenes of kids named Douglas getting beaten up.
Bully: Give the word, Henry.
Kid #3: It's Pete Moore.
Kid #2: No one can catch him. He's going straight to his house, tells Mother what you did.
Bully: Why are you asking for trouble? He likes this, getting attention.
Kid #3: How do you know he likes it?
NC: Okay, this isn't a debate over a new bill. It's bullies being bullies! Why is this taking so long?
Bully: You want to fight us?
Kid #1: Yes!
Bully: Why? You'll lose. Why?
Kid #3: And I will tell the world!
Bully: You want us to leave. Is that it?
NC: Will the Senator yield?
NC (vo): So they save Tobey Neil Patrick Maguire and...sing to him?
(The kids comfort Duddits by singing to him)
NC: (Imitating cradling a baby) This gets my Magic Potty Baby to piss up a storm.
(Cut back to present day, where the guys meet up with a hunter)
NC (vo): Back to modern day, they come across a hunter in the woods...
Elmer Fudd (vo): I'm hunting wabbits.
NC (vo): ...who seems to be ill, so they take him inside.
Beaver: Hi. Joe Clarendon. (Offers his hand to the hunter) Call me Beaver.
NC: (confused) Intentionally?
NC (vo): But our hunter seems to be having terrible gas coming out both ends.
(The hunter farts and burps constant times)
NC: Again, that doesn't seem particularly...scary.
(Malcolm and Tamara come in)
Malcolm: Critic, we've peed our pants. (The camera constantly shows Malcolm's and Tamara's peed pants as dramatic sounds are heard. NC is completely unamused) Isn't that mostly terrifying and kind of humorous?
NC: No, that's mostly humorous and kind of ridiculous.
Tamara: It's complex.
NC: It's stupid.
Tamara: Stupidly complex.
NC: Complexly stupid.
Malcolm: He just doesn't see how this could possibly be an alien invasion!
Tamara: God help you if our snot gets infected, too.
Malcolm: I'd like to see you try to find the humor in that.
NC: You know, sometimes, I feel bad writing you two so dumb.
Tamara: Yeah, what the hell, man?
Malcolm: Can't we ever be smart?
NC: Well, you could just be a series of catchphrases like Jason Lee.
NC (vo): For some reason, they try to give him one-liners that clearly wouldn't catch on, but they try to hammer in anyway. That's kind of embarrassing.
Beaver: (various scenes) Fuck me, Freddy. / Itch in a buzzsaw. / Fuck me, Freddy. / Criminettlies! / Fuck me, Freddy. / Fuckarees turn into fuckarows. / Kiss my bender! / Double fuckarow. / Real jobba-nobba.
(Cut to Rick & Morty, with Rick playing chess against Snowball)
Rick: Wubba lubba dub dub! Rikki-tikki-tavi, beyotch!
Tamara: Wow. That's strange. I don't remember those.
NC: Well, I remember it so you don't have t--Shit!
Malcolm: (smiling with Tamara) Our work here is done. (They leave)
NC: THAT REALLY IS GONNA CATCH ON!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the other two (Henry and Pete) nearly crash into a lady who's sitting in the middle of the road.
(The two struggle to get out of their flipped car)
Pete: I broke my leg!
(As they get out of the car, they both start laughing)
NC: (confused) I guess it is...funny?
(Henry and Pete look at the unconscious woman)
NC (vo; as the old woman): Hello, I'll be your jump scare for the evening.
(The old woman suddenly grabs Pete's arm, scaring him and Henry)
NC: Oh, sorry. I have shotgun arm syndrome. (Moves his arm as jump scare noises play out) Can't help it.
(Beaver and Jonesy are shown witnessing various animals walking in the woods, before a helicopter appears)
NC (vo): While the animals reenact Alaskan Lion King, a helicopter is seen flying overhead.
Pilot: This area is under temporary quarantine. You must stay where you are.
Beaver: What do you mean quarantine? We got a sick guy down here!
NC (vo; as the pilot): Yeah, we can totally hear you. You are smart. (Normal) But it looks like their hunter pal is sicker than they realized.
(The two see that the hunter has locked himself in the bathroom)
Hunter: Go away.
Beaver: Open the door or we have to break it down.
Hunter: Can't a man have some privacy?
Jonesy: Let's do it.
Beaver: I'm not all that absolutely positive I want to go in there.
Jonesy: What if he's dying? Scooby-Dooby-Doo, we've got some work to do now.
NC: (surprised at that line) Well, now that you said that, I know you're serious.
NC (vo): I mean, you'd have a stronger argument if you pointed out Flintstones were a modern Stone Age family, but nevertheless, strong words.
(The two break through the bathroom door to find the room covered in blood and the man sitting in the toilet, dead)
Beaver: All right, that's enough, feller! Snap out of it! (Pushes the dead man, causing him to fall down, revealing his fatal wound from his butt, which is censored by a hot dog buns bag image) Oh, my God!
NC: (As Jonesy): Ohh, Tiny Toon Adventures!
NC (vo): So there seems to be an awful monster they can't flush down...oh, and an alien creature.
(NC performs a rimshot)
NC (vo): ...that Lee sits on to stop from getting out.
(Beaver sits in the toilet, struggling to prevent the monster inside from getting out)
Beaver: Find the damn tape!
NC (vo): Man, I've never seen Jason Lee so terrified. What could be under there to scare him so much?
NC: Oh, of course! Future squeakquels.
NC (vo; as Alvin): Come on, Dave! Think of all the genres we can do with pun titles! A rap musical called "Chip-Hop"! A religious film called "Holy Chip"! And, of course, the Halloween special, "Scared Chipless"! We're coming for you, Dave! The chip must flow! The chip must flow!
NC (vo): So while the chip-weasel seems under control, he, no joke, lets them out because he wanted his toothpick. (Beaver slowly rises up from the toilet seat to correct the position of his toothpicks on the floor. NC sighs) Are you frigging kidding me?!
(The weasel monster escapes and attacks Beaver)
NC: All right, I get that they're trying to hint at some sort of...
NC (vo): ...compulsion with him, but even an OCD person wouldn't be like...
(A scared NC is shown sitting on the couch holding a remote)
NC: Oh, my God! If I let go of this trigger, a bomb will explode! (Notices the tissue box on the table) You know, this could be a little bit more symmetrical. (Puts the remote down to move the tissue box. An explosion erupts)
NC (vo): But it gets even sillier. Now that the monster's out, it leads to some pretty goofy stuff, like fighting him off with a toilet brush, (Beaver fights the weasel with a toilet brush) cutting his hand off and looking only slightly annoyed by it, (The weasel cuts Beaver's fingers off) and even a 90s crotch shot.
(The weasel hits Beaver in the groin as he screams)
NC: I feel like Daniel Stern should do his girly cry from Home Alone.
(The groin hit scene is replayed, with Marv's high-pitched scream (from the scene where Marv gets a tarantula on his face) dubbed over Beaver's scream. The beaver eventually kills Beaver)
NC (vo): The creature ends up killing him, as we're shown Stephen King Letdown Alien #...I don't know, 5?...who takes control of his (Jonesy) body. (We cut to Morgan Freeman's character, Colonel Curtis) Meanwhile, we're introduced to two albino caterpillars with Morgan Freeman's face attached, who points out that these alien creatures who infect the human body and have their young burst out in bloody ways sounds a bit familiar.
Curtis: The men call the red stuff Ripley, after the broad in the Alien movies.
NC: (As Curtis) See what I did there? That immediately doesn't make it a rip-off. I learned my crap from the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie.
Fearless Leader: Shut up! This is totally different!
NC (vo): Yeah, Freeman plays a guy who really knows his shit, like making his soldiers give scout's honor (Curtis shoots the fingers off of one of the soldiers), only to shoot their fingers off...
NC: That was nice.
NC (vo): ...and talks about tons of needless military information that honestly plays little to no part in anything.
Curtis: (various scenes) They've never picked terrain like this before. / Do you know the Blue Unit Cataclysm? / I handpicked every man in Blue Boy group. / Under what rules does the Blue Unit operate? / They never visited a world they wouldn't rather own. / Tell me how we do it.
Man: We go in fast and hard.
Curtis: When a soldier disobeys a superior's orders...
NC (vo): Oh, God. You know what this all leads to? (Cut to another scene with Curtis that will be described again later) At one point, Freeman tries to shoot our hero, and he fails.
NC: That's it! So why are we listening to all this?
Man: There's a difference of opinion about the Ripley.
Curtis: Who has an opinion?
Man: Three star, General Mathison.
Curtis: When did you see him?
Man: Called him in yesterday.
Curtis: And what is the fault of opinion...
NC (vo): It's like dedicating a half hour of Snow White to talk about (image of...) the Queen's foreign policies and social affairs. Nobody gives a shit! You fall off a cliff! Why are we stuck with this dueling pair of Doctor Wiley Moustaches?!
Curtis: What about the shit-weasels?
NC: (laughs) Oh, yeah. 'Cause he says that. That kind of makes it worth it.
NC (vo): But the lady from before also has an alien shit out her ass...I'm sorry, King, it'll always be funny...as Peter tries to calm down by showing how well he can imitate Bill Paxton.
Pete: (while drunk) He's so goddamned good. I can't believe he's a human. (Cut to a scene from earlier) I knew you would.
(Pete throws away an empty bottle, which lands on the head of a weasel monster hiding in the snow)
NC (vo, as a weasel): Ow! (normal) The shit-weasel wants revenge for attacking his head, so he attacks his head in return.
(The weasel monster attacks Pete, starting from his groin)
NC (vo, as Pete, high-pitched voice) Oh, my God! Why do these things always go for the twins?! I'll never sing baritone again! I'll show you! I'll give you deep-fried pubic hair!
(Pete lands on a campfire and cries out in pain, but, after a second, he gets up and takes a burning log out of it)
NC: Uh, no. No man stands up immediately after that.
(The scene replays in slow-motion)
NC (vo): The correct response is unzip your fly and crawl around in the snow like (video clip of...) a dog who has worms.
(Jonesy appears and rides away in a snowmobile)
NC (vo): Not that it matters, though, as the possessed body of Jonesy is about to meet up with him. How do we know he's possessed? Well, his head CHUNNS whenever he turns.
(Jonesy, possessed by Mr. Gray, sharply turns to his right, smiling, with a dramatic sting. Then he turns to his left, also with a sting. Cut to NC, who smiles and starts rapidly turning his head left and right, ending with a turn to a camera. Dramatic stings play with each turn)
NC (vo): Which goes really great with his hood sound effect.
(The possessed Jonesy puts the hood on, with an added sound effect resembling a lightsaber turning on)
NC (vo): Yeah. Even his hood has a sound effect. I swear to God, I'm not adding this!
(Another scene which shows possessed Jonesy putting on a hood is shown, with the exact same effect)
NC: Who are these aliens trying to be? Diabolical Michael Winslows?! (A screenshot of a radar operator from Spaceballs, played by Winslow, is shown above)
NC (vo): And, for no explained reason whatsoever, he suddenly has an English accent.
Jonesy: (as Mr. Gray, speaking with a British accent) What was that, Mr. Jones? What did we just pass on the road there?*
(Note*: Actually, the actor does happen to be British.)
NC: (snickers) Oh, my God! I could tell just from that couple of seconds, you have already earned your spot in The Hall of Fame of Over-the-Top Stephen King Villains. Welcome to the lineup.
(The clip of "British Jonesy" is shown alongside four clips, showing Pennywise from IT, Craig from The Langoliers, Wanda from Maximum Overdrive and Isaac from Children of the Corn)
NC: I don't need you to give me any more, but I would be so blessed if you do.
Jonesy: Are you speaking to me? (as Mr. Gray) Yes, I am, Mr. Jones. Or is it...Jonesy? That's what your friends call you, isn't it? Let's be friends.
NC: I guess having an alien take over your mind turns you into a drunk Simon Pegg?
Jonesy: (as Mr. Gray) I'm borrowing you. We're going to take a little journey. (normal) Fuck you! (as Mr. Gray) I know what that expression means!
NC (vo): It makes no sense, but it's amazing.
Jonesy: (as Mr. Gray) Pete, I need you to get onto the snowmobile right now.
Pete: You sound like one of those James Bonds.
(Cut to the real Jonesy in a memory warehouse, who watches his possessed body through the window and then peeks into a spyhole in the door)
NC (vo): Even in the memory-warehouse Jonesy has partially blocked off, that doesn't stop evil Eric Idle from knocking on his echoey door.
Mr. Gray: Let me in. (whispers) Let me in... (normal) What have you got in that part of your mind? It'll just take me a while to find them. (whispers) To find them... (normal) Think about letting me in. (whispers) Letting me in... (normal) It's the polite thing to do. (whispers) Polite thing to do...
NC: Man, the alien's got some good backup accompaniment.
NC (vo, as Mr. Gray): You know, this guy Shaft is a mean mother... (whispers) Shut your mouth... (normal) I'm just talking about Shaft. (whispers) We can take it...
NC: These extraterrestrials have an interesting way of doing things, don't they, guys?
NC: Malcolm? Tamara? Is it me, or do you guys seem a bit more...British than usual?
(Cut to reveal two Film Brains in clothes and wigs resembling Malcolm and Tamara. They smile creepily and talk with British accents)
Malcolm FB: I don't know what you mean.
Tamara FB: We're just our normal American selves.
NC: You sure you haven't been taken over by aliens? 'Cause that would just make too much sense.
Malcolm and Tamara FBs: Oh, yes.
NC: Okay, well, go back to doing whatever non-alien things you were doing.
Malcolm and Tamara FBs: Okay.
NC: I wonder why I crave mushy peas all of a sudden.
(When we return, we see Curtis and his soldiers trying to attack an alien ship)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Freeman takes the two moths taped to his eyebrows to the alien ship and tries to destroy it.
Curtis: Owen, get them outta there! It's gonna blow!
Owen: I repeat, cease firing and back off!
Soldier #1: We can get these last monsters!
Owen: It's self-destructing, back off!
Soldier #2: But we're on top of them!
(The ship self-destroys, and most of the helicopters fall into the explosion)
NC: Don't you love it in movies when the military never do as they're told? Because, when in their history has it ever hammered in they should follow orders? Disrespectful piece of shit.
(The real Jonesy is shown inside his mind, which is depicted as a room full of shelves with books and other things)
NC (vo): Get this. While the alien part of Jonesy's mind is distracted, Jonesy sneaks out and tries to pull all the information on Duddits into the locked room with him. (Beat) Okay. I'm open to a visual representation of the mind and how it's being altered, but...
NC: Um... Mental Jonesy has a limp?
(Jonesy is indeed limping)
NC (vo): What takes the mental alien so long to get to him? He took over his mind pretty fast before. Why does the alien recognize where mental Jonesy is sometimes, but not other times? How are memories heavy? Or...heavy enough to earn a grunt noise?
NC: I mean... Does it make any sense to you, guys?
(Malcolm and Tamara FBs are shown again)
Malcolm and Tamara FBs: No.
(The camera zooms on Malcolm Film Brain, and we see the inside of his mind, with the real Malcolm peeking into the spyhole in the door and Film Brain on the other side of the door, smiling creepily)
FB: Come on, Malcolm. Let me see inside your mind. We can do cool whispering together. Down! (whisper) Down... (normal) Down! (whisper) Down...
Malcolm: Why is that whenever we see you, you're trying to scare us through a door?
FB: I've soaked up all your memories of the Critic's Purge review. And I know that you're deathly afraid of British people, thanks to all those American movies where they play bad guys.
(Malcolm turns away from a spyhole, looking scared and on the verge of tears)
Malcolm: My God, it's true.
FB: I've absorbed every thing from the movies you like. I'm a literal Film Brain. And I'll get you and your little Tamara, too!
(The scene transitions to Tamara Film Brain's mind, where we see the same thing, except with the real Tamara)
FB: Time's a-ticking, Tamara. Tick-tock, tick-tock...
Tamara: You don't fool me, you alien crumpet! I'm gonna find a way to Brexit out of here.
FB: It's futile. I've mastered the ability to control your mind. And there is absolutely no escape...
(Tamara gets out a smartphone, dials a number, and Film Brain's phone goes off. He stops talking)
FB: (stutters) Excuse me. Stay scared. (He turns his back on Tamara and answers the phone) Hello?
(Tamara grins, opens the door quietly and sneaks out while Film Brain is trying to hear an answer)
FB: Hellooo? Hello? (frowns) Hello. (smiles) Hello!
(Tamara pops out of Tamara FB's left ear)
Tamara: Hey, Malcolm, you in there?
(And Malcolm pops out of his British self's ear, too)
Malcolm: Yeah. Boy, this advanced alien race sure is easy to dupe.
Tamara: Yeah. You wanna grab a bite at Portillo's?
Malcolm: Sounds good!
(They jump out of their British selves' ears. Malcolm and Tamara FBs finally notice this and bend down, looking for them on the floor)
Tamara FB: Where are they? Where are they?
Malcolm FB: Where are they? Come out, come out, wherever you are!
(NC looks confused by this)
Tamara FB: My little Micro Machines. I need to fix you in the LEGO set in my brain!
NC: (shrugs it off) That's so Malcolm and Tamara.
(The movie continues, showing the various transitions from one scene to another)
NC (vo): Another strange thing this film suddenly implements are wipes. Now, not that there's anything wrong with using them in a film, but they literally come in an hour and a half into the movie! There hasn't been one before, and then suddenly, they're all over the place!
NC: Maybe he (the director) knew the movie was going south, so he wanted to remind people that he worked on Star Wars.
NC (vo): I keep expecting one of those wipes to reveal R2-D2.
(A film transitions to a scene from Star Wars: A New Hope, showing R2-D2 falling down, and then going to another scene)
NC (vo): So Henry gets caught in quarantine, but he convinces Freeman's second-in-command that Freeman is nuts and going to kill everybody in the area. The soldier agrees with him, so he decides to break Henry out.
(Captain Owen Underhill crashes through the wall next to Henry in the armored car. They drive away)
Henry: You almost ran me down!
Owen: I figured you'd read my mind and get out of the way.
NC: (after a beat) A perfectly valid point.
NC (vo): But Jonesy... (sighs) calls Henry through a phone in his mind, and Henry answers his gun to talk.
(Henry's shotgun rings and, yes, he answers it)
Henry: Hello? Jonesy!
(NC lies on his desk, exhausted)
NC: Oh, my God!
Henry: Where's he taking you? Massachusetts? He is? Duddits? Okay.
NC (vo): This...is still a scary film, right? Was it...ever meant to be scary? Because it's starting to look like a mix of Russian roulette and "Whose Line is It Anyway?".
Henry: You hang in there, Jonesy. Jonesy?
NC (as Henry, holding a gun near his ear): Jonesy? Jonesy! I can't hear you! (pulls the trigger multiple times) Hello, operator? Operator! (And the gun goes off. NC looks stunned) Whoa, that's a loud beep!
NC (vo): And you know this dude's (Owen) just thinking, "Oh, my God, I've killed us all. I'm gonna be court-martialed for this loon, and I doomed the human race."
(Jonesy doesn't answer)
Henry: He hung up.
NC (vo, as Henry): Oh, Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all...
(A grown-up Duddits is shown, having a bald head)
NC (vo): So they find out where Duddits is, who's now played by Donnie Wahlberg, looking how half the New Kids on the Block look right now, and he tells his mom he needs to go stop an alien invasion. She...of course, has no problem with this.
(Roberta Cavell, Duddits' mother, looks at him as he prepares to drive away)
Roberta: Goodbye, Duddie. Be a good boy. Now go save the world.
(After a second, she suddenly puts both hands up. NC is puzzled)
NC: (as Roberta) And go score a touchdown. (He then puts his hands up as the audience cheers and the scene is replayed)
NC (vo): But it turns out the gun has a tracking device, because, of course it does, so Freeman chases after them, and they pray that they can outrun him before their Tim Blake Nelson (Duddits) melts.
(Curtis arrives, flying in a helicopter)
NC (vo, as Curtis): I'm not even sure why I used a helicopter. My eyebrows could have flown me here fast enough.
(Curtis opens fire, and Henry fires from his rifle in response)
NC (vo, sighs): Again, they're both trying to stop the aliens, so this all seems pretty pointless.
NC: But let's wait and see, let's wait and see. (The helicopter crashes, killing Curtis) Yeah, well. It was entirely pointless.
NC (vo): Alien Jonesy shows his true form and wants to contaminate the drinking water supply with alien sperm. But, thankfully, Duddits comes in to save the day.
Duddits: Ooby-Ooby-Doo...we got some work to do now.
NC: Weirdest cartoon tie-in ever.
NC (vo): He goes to fight the Men in Black bug, and it's revealed why Duddits was the way he was.
(Duddits transforms into another alien. NC is dumbfounded)
NC: Of course! He was an alien all along! (Beat) Do you think his mother knew that?
(Cut to scenes showing Duddits and his mother together)
NC (vo): Was she impregnated? Was he taken over by the alien? Did he show up in a basket like a 1920s cartoon?
NC: Well, we'll never know, because...
(Both aliens explode)
NC (vo): ...the alien is defeated, (The real Jonesy steps on the larva-worm) the last bug is squashed, and... (Cut to the credits) That's it! Yeah, they decided against an ending, because I guess they've figured we've suffered enough.
NC: Um... Thanks?
(Clips from the movie play as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): This movie is all sorts of silly trying to somehow be taken seriously. Maybe King’s writing could have made some of these ideas work better in the book, but as a film, it’s hilariously ridiculous. The only other downside is how slow it is. There’s a lot of pointless talking, slow moving scenes and long periods of black nothingness that offer nothing visually or comedically entertaining. But it does still have evil British aliens, crazy Morgan Freemans, and, of course, shit-weasels. If that sounds insane enough to tickle your funny bone, then this is definitely one to check out.
NC: And speaking of weird, what's been up with you guys recently? (British Malcolm and Tamara are shown yet again) You look like a Canadian rap group.
Malcolm FB: It's time to begin our hostile takeover.
(Their eyes glow, and NC, scared out of his wits, leaves the desk. Chester then appears from the prop room)
(And, in an explosion, he turns into an alien! NC drops his jaw and puts his hands behind the head in amazement and confusion. The clones' eyes stop glowing, and they look up at the alien)
Malcolm FB: Oh, bugger!
Tamara FB: And other British stereotypes!
(The alien's eyes glow, and he kills the Film Brain clones in another explosion)
(The alien bows to NC and disappears in yet another explosion)
NC: Of course. Chester was an alien all along. That's why he acted so strange. That's why he was different from everyone else.
(NC smiles in relief, but then turns to see...Chester, who's alive and well)
Chester: No. That was just an alien disguised as me. I'm still really here.
(Awkward silence occurs)
Chester: You really think all of my mental problems is because I was an alien, huh?!
NC: (stutters) It's not like that...
Chester: No, no, no, no! I get it! It can't be because of how I was born or my environment! Clearly, being an alien explains it just as well!
NC: No, I...
Chester: It's like if an Asian person walks by, and I'm like, "Ooh! Maybe he looks that way because he's an alien!" It's a perfectly legit reason! (NC sighs and rubs his forehead in shame) I hope I will be seen as more than just an excuse for your stereotypes, sir! (Beat) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have serious work to do. (He takes out his cup and goes back into the prop room, shaking the cup and yelling...) CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Oh, come on, help a guy out, will ya?
NC: (sighs) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... Happy flushing.
(He leaves as the beginning of the original Scooby-Doo theme plays. Fade to black. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Jonesy: Scooby-Dooby-Doo, we've got some work to do now.