And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Ender's Game."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Do you like Hunger Games in space? You do? Well, then SPOILERS!
There's this kid called Ender.
Probably named that because it sounds like a good title for a book.
And he has to stop this ALIEN ATTACK!
The alien attack already happened; they have to stop it from happening again.
But they're certain that they're going to try it again!
They don't really know what they're up to. They just know they have weapons of mass destruction... (pauses for a few seconds, then waves off his suggestion) Nah, it's too dated.
So they have all these kids man their weapons and be their military!
Because they're more susceptible to... doing... that... stuff.
OK, if the world is in danger, I am not relying on Little Miss Sunshine to save me.
Speaking of which, she's in this movie!
Although she doesn't make the cut because, well, she's Little Miss Sunshine.
If there's a slutty dance contest for child stars, though...
It'd probably go to Miley Cyrus.
So Ender is really intimidated because he's taken under the control of Indiana Jones.
Oh, not cool, sexy Indiana Jones, but bottom-teeth, bulldog Indiana Jones.
(as Colonel Graff, but with an exaggerated look on his face - a.k.a. his lower jaw is sticking out) "You're our only hope, and you need to save us."
But Ender is like:
(screen right, looking left) "But what if I save us the wrong way and for the wrong reasons?"
(as Graff, in the opposite direction) "Then you'll officially be an American."
"Yes, but we have to get rid of those specks on your face so you look more like an American product."
"Oh, but I play Connect-the-dots with those."
"Seriously, is that chicken pox?"
So Ender's concerned because he has an older brother who's a douchebag and a younger sister who's a female Jesus.
And he wants to be somewhere in the middle.
(striking a heroic pose with his hands on his hips) Female Douche Jesus.
But Indiana Jones is like:
"I'm gonna try and sabotage you and make you look unpopular in front of everybody."
(as Ender) "Why would you do that, increasingly unlikable person?"
"So I can have better control over you."
"Having better control over me is making me hate you and disrespect you every chance I get?"
"Hey, if it worked for me as a celebrity, it can work for me in this role."
So Ender comes across the True Grit girl.
And she's like:
(as Petra, screen-left, looking right) "I'm gonna show you how to play this game that's training us for the future."
(as Ender) "Wonderful. How do you play?"
"You fly around in zero gravity, shooting everybody with (flexing muscles) incredible physical strength."
"So... doing stuff that in no way will tie in to how we defeat the aliens."
So Ender keeps surprising everybody with how smart and talented he is.
He even opens up this computer game with two glasses of poison and this giant that says: "Choose which one you want."
And Ender is like:
"I choose the one in your eyeball."
(as the giant in the game) "But there is no 'one in my eyeball-'" (gets poked in the eye by Ender; he covers up his left eye) "Ow, bitch!"
And one of the people in charge is like:
"OH MY GOD, no one has ever thought to do that in the game!" (pauses again) I find that very hard to believe!
These are kids where, as soon as they see a gun, they're like, "Shoot me, shoot me!"
You wouldn't think if they put a HUGE GIANT in front of them that they wouldn't think to attack him?!
I see giants all the time, and I never back down from them!
Unless, as I'm sobering up, one of them has a police hat; in which case, I run very quickly.
(waves it off) But I only did that once, (quickly gets serious) and it will haunt me to my grave.
So they take Ender to this different planet, where he comes across Queequeg.
And Queequeg is like:
(as Mazer, screen right, looking down and left) "I sacrifice my life to save humanity!"
(as Ender, opposite) "But you're still alive!"
"I didn't say I did it well."
And all his buddies are flown in to partake in these giant simulations.
I was in a simulation once!
(looking deadly serious) Life is a simulation. (pauses yet again) Think about that.
And so, it's all building up to the great big Grand Simulation before he goes and does the real thing!
So he goes into the simulation and fights off all the aliens with all the grown-ups watching.
And their assholes (holds up his open right hand, which he quickly closes into a fist) seem peculiarly tight for some reason.
And in the simulation, he blows up the alien planet!
(arms up in celebration) HOORAY!
But it turns out it wasn't a simulation at all; it was the real thing.
(brings his arms down) Haroo- (pauses to look at his arms) No, wait, still, yeah, (brings them up again) HOORAY!
But Ender feels bad because he's not sure if he did it for the right reason.
(with arms still up) I- (stammers a bit since he's confused, he eventually brings his arms down) Okay, haroo.
But Indiana Jones is like:
"This is the only way we thought you'd be able to do it."
"But I thought it was just a game. I didn't know it was real life."
"That game cost thousands of people their lives but also defended us from an alien attack."
"Damn it, you big jerk! Ya know what you just did?"
"You made the argument that video games kill people now totally legit! (intercut with a shot of "Graff" looking... Graff-y) Now tons of crazy liberals and conservatives have something to back them up!"
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure that'll really hurt the video game industry."
"(retreats) Okay, good point. (turns back) But you're still a douche!"
But suddenly, the Queen Alien gets in touch with Ender telepathically.
And she lets him know that she was just a few feet away from his room the whole time! (pauses with face still agape) What?
(scratching his head) Do they explain that in the book? If I could read, I would totally check up on that.
But the Queen is like:
"Take care of my baby (offers it to Ender), and be sure to hide him far away."
"Preferably in a very obvious spot as I was hiding the whole time just a few feet away from your headquarters."
"I'll put her under my Welcome mat. How 'bout that?"
So he sneaks the baby aboard a ship...
Which, if I can't get liquid on an airplane, he's supposed to get an alien lifeform on a spaceship?
And he flies away to figure out what to do with the future of the species.
Both the aliens and (steps really close to the camera) MAAAAAAAN. (cue the dramatic sting)
So, oh, boy, this movie really makes you think!
Like, "what would Lukas Haas' clone look like if you just sprinkled some ink on his face?"
I know, I shouldn't be so harsh on him. But, to his credit, he's gonna have a lot more good acting jobs than I am.
Until he turns 18; in which case, he has to slut himself up for some reason.
I don't know. It's the new child actor law.
(up close) SAG has really added some strange new rules.
This is Chester A. Bum, saying, (holds up his hands in cup form) "ALIEN BABIES?! YA GOT ALIEN BABIES?! Oh, come on! I wanna start my (cut to black; usual closing sequence) own race! Come on! Alien babies! Come on, I'll clone his DNA with my DNA! And I'll call it: "Weird Al" Yankovic.