Ernest Saves Christmas
December 29, 2009
(We see NC look a little depressed as he rests his head on his hand)
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (sighs) Well, it’s after Christmas again, and once again, I can’t help but feel the post-Christmas blues. I mean, all this time waiting for Santa to bring me something wonderful and fantastic, these really great presents, and what does he bring me? (He pulls out the following) A Playstation 3 Entertainment System, a brand new controller, a controller for the Blu-Ray player, “Soul Caliber IV” …and no “Batman: Arkham Asylum”? What have I done, Santa?! What have I done to deserve such torture?! (He shoves the entertainment system box aside) Instead, what did I get instead of “Batman: Arkham Asylum”? “Ernest Saves Christmas.” (Pauses before filling up with rage) “ERNEST SAVES CHRI”— Just show it.
(The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): Ernest, played by the late Jim Varney, is one of those movie characters that somehow I overlooked, and granted, he’s not a terrible character.
Ernest: (speaks with his face pressed against a glass window) Santa! Are you in there?
NC (voiceover): Well…not that terrible. He’s mostly just irritatingly annoying, but still, after a whopping 13 movies spread out between theatrical, TV and VHS releases, it’s pretty hard not to look at them. For those who don’t know, Ernest got his start as a commercial spokesperson. For what, you may ask? Well, everything.
(Clips from Ernest’s commercials are shown)
Ernest: Peppermint Stick Ice Cream.
Ernest: O’Weber Cottage Cheese.
Ernest: Mello Yello.
Ernest: Tyson’s Toyota.
NC: (as Ernest, pulling out a Cody Penguin (from the movie "Surf’s Up" stuffed plush) And also don’t forget to buy Citizen Penguin, the only penguin that has the voice of Orson Welles. (He pulls on a string behind the plush)
“Orson Welles”: I’m doing this voice into protest.
NC: (as Ernest) Neat, huh?
NC (voiceover): So because of his popularity, they finally gave him a movie called “Ernest Goes to Camp.” (Beat) It was stupid, but not Christmas-oriented, so instead, we’re gonna take a look at the sequel “Ernest Saves Christmas.”
NC: So, let’s see why…let’s just see why.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So the film is apparently so cheap that it relies on Coca-Cola ads for its opening credits. Now, I have to admit, this is actually kind of a nice opening, but seriously, would anyone connect this to an Ernest movie? It’s kind of misleading. I mean, the credits say a lot about the film.
NC: I mean, it’s kind of like starting off a movie like this.
Galadriel (from “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring”): (narrates for the opening that starts in black) The world is changed. I feel it in the water. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.
(The fake movie title for “Beavis and Butthead Do America” appears)
NC: See? Doesn’t add up.
NC (voiceover): But actually, the movie has another thing going for it. It has probably one of the best Santa Clauses of all time. He’s played by Douglas Seale, who you may remember as the Sultan from “Aladdin.” And I swear you’ve never heard a kinder puppy dog of a human being in your life.
Santa Claus: You know, I’ve carried this torch for more seasons than I should have done. Because I loved it so much. But now, I’ve taken to making notes! Well, you can’t do it that way, it shouldn't be done that way! It can’t be done that way.
NC: (his lips start quivering in sadness as he sobs once) I believe.
NC (voiceover): But even he falls victim to some lame setups, like count how many Santa puns there are here.
(Cut to Santa and a man walking together though an airport)
Man: First time in Orlando?
Santa: Oh, no. I fly in once a year.
(The countdown of “Santa Puns” appears at the bottom of the screen, starting with “1”)
Man: Where are you from?
Santa: Uh, up north.
Man: Me, too! What line of work you in?
Man: No foolin’. You been in it long?
Santa: Longer than you can imagine.
Man: Oh, I hear that. A lot of contacts?
Santa: Oh, all over the world.
Santa: Yes, I’m used to a colder climate myself.
(An explosion is heard off screen as NC reacts in surprise and looks camera right)
NC: Oh, great! You blew up the…Santa Pun-o-meter. Why do I have one of those?
(Cut to Ernest driving a taxi with a passenger in the back)
Ernest: (sings) Oh, Christmas Tree / Oh, Christmas Tree…
NC (voiceover): And there’s Obnoxi-cus Maximus himself, driving some poor schmuck to the airport.
Passenger: Hey, buddy, hurry up! I gotta get to the airport!
Ernest: Oh, don’t worry, Mister. We’ll make that plane. (He laughs to himself) Thrill drive! (He hits the gas and speeds on the interstate)
(A car-driving simulation screen appears over the movie with a timer on the upper-left, the cab fare on the upper right, and the gear shift label on the bottom right. "All I Want" by The Offspring is played in the background.)
NC (voiceover): (speaks as a game announcer) Hey! Welcome to Crazy Taxi! You gotta get your comic foil to the airport in under five crazy minutes! (The passenger slides around in the back seat until he falls out of the car) Oh, no! Your passenger fell out of the car! Now, start mugging to the camera, ‘cause the director think it’s funny! (Ernest proceeds to mug the camera, and mugging points appear at the bottom of the screen, going up every 5 points, reaching to 100 points)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Santa has a little trouble getting through customs.
Customs Officer: Is this your real name?
Santa: (chuckles) It’s the name I’m known by, yes.
Customs Officer: (shrugs his shoulders) Sure.
NC (voiceover): (as the customs officer) Hey, as long as your name’s not Mohammad, you’re good.
Santa: Thanks, Skippy.
NC (voiceover): (as the customs officer) Hey, it’s Vanessa, thank you.
(Cut back to Ernest driving his taxi frantically, and the same video game screen from before appears again)
NC (voiceover): (as a game announcer) Hey! Better go faster! You have only 30 seconds to get your passenger on the plane to mime school. (Ernest guides the passenger (who is frozen stiff) with the baggage until he hits a bump, and the passenger goes through a luggage tunnel) And how about some more close-up mugging? (Ernest mugs for the camera again, and mugging points appear below him, going up every 5 points until it reaches 25) Way to go! Your next passenger should probably be a supporting character.
Ernest: (runs up to Santa) Mister, I’m a Taxi, I’m a Taxi! (Cut to him packing the taxi’s trunk and then driving off)
NC (voiceover): (as a game announcer) Don’t forget to hit the Asians! (“Asian Points” appear at the bottom, and it goes up to 25 points) Now, finish off with some more mugging! (Ernest mugs the camera with a chuckle to himself; 25 Mugging Points appear below him) Crazy!
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So Ernest P. Worrell drives Santa Claus around in a cab…
NC: Boy, that’s something I didn’t think I’d say today.
NC (voiceover): ...as they make some playful chitchat.
Ernest: Something getting to ya?
Santa: Oh, yes, it’s not as bright at night. I’m usually here at night.
(Ernest opens his glove compartment to get out a pair of 3D glasses and then closes it; at one point, we see a bumper sticker)
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, what did that bumper sticker say? (He pauses the video, showing that it says “Keep Christ in Christmas”) So Ernest wants to keep “Christ” in Christmas, even though he’s in a movie about Santa Claus?
NC: Yeah, h-hold on a second. (He whips out his cell phone, dials a number and waits a few second before a voice speaks up on the other end.
The Movie: (voice on the other end) This is the movie.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to these two guys who are looking after Santa’s cargo at the airport.
(Chuck and Bobby are examining the paper label on a cargo box, which is printed as “Helpful Elves” (though we don’t see this))
Chuck: (misreads the “v” in “Elves” as “m”) What is that, an “M”?
Chuck: No, right here. That’s an “M.”
(As the following alternating argument occurs, NC at one point moves his head in a small circle as though his head is going in circles)
Chuck: (alternates quickly with Bobby) “M.” “M.” “M.” “M.” “M.” “M.” “M.” “M.” “M.”
Bobby: (alternates quickly with Chuck) “V.” “V.” “V.” “V.” “V.” “V.” “V.” “V.” “V.”
(Intercut with Chef Gormaanda from the “Star Wars Holiday Special” preparing a meal in a giant pot)
Chef Gormaanda: Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, WHAA!
NC: NOPE! NOPE! We’re not going back to that!
(Cut to a large cargo box moving side to side on its own, and Chuck turns around to see it, then turns back to the camera to shift his eyes left and right repeatedly; we hear a silly sound coming from the eye shifting)
NC: (as Chuck) That’s my gimmick, folks: the eyes. It ain’t much, but you can’t do it.
NC (voiceover): After that, we cut to some chick who got lost in the ‘80s as she tries to run away from paying a restaurant bill, and gets into Ernest’s cab.
Harmony Starr: (tells a lie to Ernest) You see that guy back there? That’s my mean uncle. He’s making me work in that restaurant like a slave. He keeps me locked up in the basement where there’s rats and…
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) You sit on the throne of lies!
Harmony Starr: Please don’t let him get me, OK?
Ernest: You’re safe with us.
Harmony Starr: Thanks. I’m, uh…I’m Harmony Starr. Remember that name, ‘cause I’ll be famous someday.
NC: (laughs as he speaks) Yes! I, uh, bet you will be.
(A fake “L.A. Times” newspaper cover is shown with the headliner “’ERNEST’ STAR GOES ON KILLING SPREE”; “Witnesses say they ‘knew she’d be famous someday’” and we hear a dramatic music sting)
Santa: Oh, this is Ernest. I’m Santa Claus.
(We hear creepy music as Harmony looks at Ernest, then Santa Claus)
NC: (looks scared and speaks slowly) Call the police.
NC (voiceover): So he drops Santa off at the Children’s Museum as he goes in to find a man named Joe Carruthers (NC speaks the last name incorrectly as “Struthers” here), who he’s hoping will take over the role as Santa for him.
(Cut to a puppet show going on and we hear giggling children in the background)
Pterodactyl Puppet: I’m the greatest.
Dinosaur Puppet: Rrawr! Oh, me, too! Meee, too! Rrawr!
NC: Wow, the effects of “Avatar” aren’t as good as I thought they’d be.
Joe Carruthers: (his face appears between the puppets to speak to the audience) For millions of years, dinosaurs ruled the earth. Rrawr! (He makes the two puppets fight each other, and the children in the audience laugh)
NC (voiceover): Yes, I think he entertains the autistic children.*
*(NOTE: This line has subsequently been removed by NC shortly after this episode's original airing)
Joe: And, uh, that’s why we don’t see dinosaurs around anymore.
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, WHAT?! Years of inconclusive research about what killed the dinosaurs, and all this time, the answer was in the head of a bad children’s puppeteer?
NC: How come nobody tells me these things?
Joe: (shakes hands with Santa) Hello, uh…do I know you?
Santa: Yes, you do. Your name was originally on a list with several hundred others. Slowly, for one reason or another, the other names were eliminated.
NC: WHOA! Santa’s got mob ties!
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) I broke their merry little thumbs and shoved them down the yuletide elevator shaft. Don’t make me do that to you, Joe.
Santa: But now, I’m sure I have the right man for the job.
Joe: Job? Uh, what job? I mean, uh, what is this all about?
Santa: Joe! You are going to be the new…
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Adolf Hitler—!
(Santa is shoved aside by Marty Brock, Joe’s talent agent)
Marty Brock: This is it, Joe. The hand of fate is reaching out to you. A holiday flick called “Christmas Sleigh.”
NC: Hey, it’s that guy from “No Reservations.” (An image of Anthony Bourdain appears next to him camera right)
Marty Brock (he's actually played by Robert Lesser): Blake Farrell had the lead. At the last minute, he goes skiing, falls flat on his puss, and wrecks up a 5-grand nose job. Do you love it? I love it, yes. Talk about…
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Don’t make me add you two to my list.
Marty Brock: I want you to tint your hair and lose the beard.
Santa: No, Joe, no!
Marty Brock: Who is this guy? Already, I don’t like him a lot.
NC: How ironic! That’s what most people say when they watch “No Reservations.”
Santa: My name is Sant—
Marty Brock: Excuse me, Mr. Santos. We’re having a conversation. May we continue, please?
Santa: My goodness! My sack! (He quickly leaves the scene)
NC (voiceover): Uhm…yeah. If an old man ever shouts in the middle of a conversation “My sack!”, it’s probably best just to run away. So he realizes he left his bag of toys to Ernest’s cab. Meanwhile, Joe’s agent tries to keep both Santa and Joe away from each other.
Marty Brock: I’m Marty Brock. I’m Joe’s agent. So, Mr. Santos, do you live around here?
Santa: Why, no. I have to go and find Joe. Excuse me.
Marty Brock: Uh, what about now, Mr. Santos?
Santa: The name is Santa Claus.
Mary Morrisey (the receptionist): (hears what Santa says) Ooh.
NC: (laughs) I love the way he says that line! It is so deadpan serious!
Santa: The name is Santa Claus.
NC: It almost sounds like a Schwarzenegger line or a Stallone line, doesn’t it? It’s just so badass!
Santa: The name is (footage is slowed down, and his voice sounds deeper as the camera does a close-up on his face) Santa Claus.
NC: (laughs) You know what? I want to hear that line just before an action movie starts.
Marty Brock: What about now, Mr. Santos?
Santa: The name is Santa Claus.
(Cut to the James Bond Theme intro, and in place of James Bond through the bullet hole, it is Santa Claus (played by Rob Walker) quickly turning to the camera to shoot it, turning the screen bloody red; the fake title “Ian Flemming’s Santa Claus in ‘Dr. Ho’” appears onscreen)
NC (voiceover): But sadly, admitting his true identity doesn’t work out quite well.
NC (voiceover): (as Santa, who is being put away in a police car by an officer) I’m just looking for my sack. It’s big, red, and tied up with string! Why won’t you help me find my sack?
NC (voiceover): (normal) Meanwhile, Ernest heads over to a friend named Verne’s house to drop off a Christmas tree. I guess he sort of adopted this ‘80s chick as well.
(Cut to Verne (from his point of view) opening the door)
Ernest: Ho, ho, ho, Verne! Merry Chri—
(Verne slams the door in Ernest’s face)
NC: Wow, I think the movie just rejected him.
(Cut to Ernest entering the house with the tree and Harmony Starr behind him; from this point onward, we see everything from Verne’s point of view as the camera follows the action)
Ernest: It’s Santa’s little party helper.
Harmony Starr: Hi!
Ernest: This is Harmony. (The tree ends up getting blocked by furnishings in the entry hall as Verne backs up) She’s been having a tough time, so I’m helping her out.
NC (voiceover): Now, as you may have guessed, we never actually see Verne, which is a little weird. I mean, is he just filming everything that Ernest is doing right now?
NC: (as Ernest) What’s that, Verne? (we hear trumpet “wha-whas” like Mrs. Othmar from the “Charlie Brown” cartoons) You’re filming this for court? (“wha-whas”) Pictorial evidence? (“wha-whas”) Cool!
(Cut to Ernest struggling to pull on a cord that he pulled out from the living room wall, and as he does so, the dining room chandelier goes up and down)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, when does Verne drop the camera and start pummeling the hell out of Ernest, anyway?
Ernest: (brings in the tree to a spot in the living room) As the tree is bent, so grows the tree. Know what I mean? It’ll look good right over here.
(We see NC’s hand appear with a gun (as though he were Verne) and struggles to shoot at Ernest, but keeps missing)
NC (voiceover): So Ernest goes back to the car and decides he wants to take a look into Santa’s bag.
(Ernest takes a look into the bag, and a light shines upon his face; he looks in closer, and we cut to the Zuul monster from “Ghostbusters” breathing fire)
Zuul (dubbed by NC): Zuul, motherfucker! Zuul!
NC (voiceover): OK, he doesn’t see that, but he does realize that the guy really is Santa Claus. He tries to get the bag back to him at the Children’s Museum.
Ernest: (speaks with his face pressed against the glass window) Are you in there? (He holds up the sack) I got your sack. It’s safe.
Harmony Starr: I told you. They’re all gone.
NC (voiceover): (as Ernest) Yeah. I guess we’ll have to find another camera to make faces into, preferably wide-angle lens.
Ernest: Watch this. (He opens the bag and a bright line shines on his face)
NC (voiceover): (as voices inside the bag) Help! Santa entrapped our souls! He eliminated us from his list! He’s evil!
NC (voiceover): (Normal) So it turns out that toys start off as glowing spheres and transform into goodies, but nobody knows how to get exactly the right toys except for Santa Claus himself. And he’s not doing very well right now.
(Cut to Santa at a police station and being questioned by an officer)
Officer #1: It would be a lot better if you’d give me your real name.
Santa: I’ve told you. I’ve told everybody. My name is Santa Claus.
(The fake James Bond Theme intro starts playing again)
NC: Alright, knock it off!
Officer #1: You and me got some paperwork to do.
Santa: You’re making a very big mistake.
Officer #2: (to another officer, looking at a piece of paper) Hey, look at this.
(Cut to a close-up on Santa’s fingerprints, each of them having snowflakes in the center)
Officer #2: I never saw anything like this before.
NC: (as the officer, examining a sheet of paper) Apparently, he also has acid for blood.
(Cut to Santa put in his cell with other inmates)
Officer #3: Close “D” [cell].
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Wazzup, my niggas?
NC (voiceover): (normal) We then cut to Ernest’s house, who I swear to God just got it on loan from “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.”
(Cut to a pan-scan to the right, and we see Harmony lying on the couch)
NC (voiceover): (as Ernest) Oh, no. It’s another morning to wake up a 16-year-old girl on that couch.
(A pancake lands near Harmony, and we cut to Ernest flipping pancakes)
Ernest: It’s time to put fuel on the tank and rubber on the road; and reunite old Father Christmas, a close, personal friend of mine with his magic sack.
NC (voiceover): WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT HIS SACK?!
Ernest: (to Harmony, who is now awake) One Christmas Eve, I was lying in bed. And I thought I heard a noise in the heat ducts.
Harmony: And you thought it was reindeer on the roof?
Ernest: No, I thought it was Santa Claus trapped in the heating system. (Presses his lips together with his hands to make a puckered face) Oozing through the vent covers. (He puckers his lips)
NC: (watches this in disbelief and isn’t amused) You need to get laid, Ernest.
NC (voiceover): So Ernest and the ‘80s chick say they’re from the governor’s office and try to break Santa out.
Chief Spenks: Now, look, I—
Ernest: (dresses neatly in a business suit, passing off as someone named Oscar Clementh) I can’t tell you what a pet project this is of Governor Ellington’s. (chuckles)
NC: (as the chief) Are you sure you’re not really from the bad improv group from down the street?
NC (voiceover): So, without checking their ID, they walk into the cell and say they’re taking Santa to a mental hospital.
Harmony: (is overjoyed after leaving the station) Alright! Was that cool or what? “Is this the way the way government really works?” They bought it!
NC: (as Santa) Thank you, Ernest. I’ve seen things in there that’ll make you turn White Christmas.
NC (voiceover): So Santa explains why it’s so important to find Joe and pass the torch onto him.
Santa: I’ve got to make him the next Santa Claus before 7:00 tonight. Or I’m afraid the magic of Christmas, the joys and the feelings, will be gone forever.
NC: (as Santa) And then all we’ll have left is that Jesus fellow, and Lord knows we don’t want an entire holiday dedicated to him. (sarcastically laughs) Ah-HA! That’d be bullshit!
NC (voiceover): So Ernest disguises himself to find out where Joe is and—(Ernest appears as old Auntie Nelda) OH, SWEET GOD!
Receptionist: I’m sure he didn’t know you were coming.
Ernest (Auntie Nelda): Just tell me where he is.
NC: (looks repulsed at the sight of Auntie Nelda) It looks like a bullfrog’s ass that got run over, stretched out, run over again and then inflated!
(Cut to Santa and Harmony waiting outside for Ernest)
Santa: Your mother must be worried about you.
Santa: Well, you’ve been gone a month now. That’s a long time for a girl your age.
Harmony: Everybody thinks I’m really young, you know, but I’m not. I’m 22.
Santa: My mistake.
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) So I can tap that, then?
NC (voiceover): So Ernest finds out where Joe is as he puts on yet another disguise to get past studio security.
Ernest: (dressed as a dirty man, posing as The Snake Guy, referring to some snakes he claims to bring into the studio) When they get knotted up on you like that, they get real crazy.
NC (voiceover): Where does he get these outfits, anyway? Does he just always have a green dress and pearls in the back of his car? These characters need to ask more questions!
(Cut to Santa watching two showgirls in feather scarves walk past him)
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Ooh, come to Santa. (chuckles)
(An actor in a Santa wardrobe and full beard stands where the real Santa walks past him)
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Well, that’s just meta.
NC (voiceover): So he walks in while Joe is busy shooting a Christmas movie.
(A green slimy monster breaks down the door to a log cabin set)
NC: For the Syfy channel.
Joe: (brings out a gun in preparation to shoot the monster) Die!
(Cut to Joe and Santa talking in private off the set)
Santa: Joseph, I thought this motion picture was called “Christmas Sleigh.”
Movie Director: (to Santa) It’s S-L-A-Y.
Movie Director: It’s about an alien from outer space.
(Santa hits the movie director in the face with his fist)
NC: Yeah, I guess I'd hit him if he worked for Uwe Boll, too.
NC (voiceover): So Joe agrees to talk to Santa while the airport guys call Animal Control to help with Santa’s cargo.
(The two employees of Animal Control look up to see Santa’s reindeer walking on the ceiling)
Female Employee: That’s not us.
Male Employee: No.
Female Employee: You need Air Traffic Control.
Male Employee: Yeah. Air Traffic Control.
(The two employees walk away, still looking up surprised to see the reindeer; cut to Chuck looking up and shifting his eyes back and forth, with a silly noise accompanying the shifting)
NC: (as Chuck) You still can’t do it.
NC (voiceover): So the ‘80s chick replaces Santa’s bag with a bag of feathers and Mr. Lie Detector here can’t seem to figure it out until later.
Napoleon (from “Napoleon Dynamite”): Idiot!
NC (voiceover): So while she runs away to the train station, Santa visits Joe, who just shaved his beard.
Joe: How did you find my house?
Santa: Well, it comes with the job. (He notices Joe’s now-missing beard) What did you do to yourself?
NC: No, no, no. That’s not the question. The question is “How did you find my house?”
Joe: And what’s this supposed to be now? My magic sack of toys? (He empties out the sack) Look, it’s feathers! It’s just feathers!
Santa: I know it’s feathers! I have absolute faith that it will be returned.
Joe: Thanks. (Santa looks at him stunned) No, thanks.
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) You have made a powerful enemy today, son.
Joe: (sends Santa out the door) Now, look, I have an appointment to keep.
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Yes, I will end you soon enough.
Joe: If you want to give me more than just, you know, feathers.
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Joe, in the end, this does not matter. When you try to pull the fiery pitchfork from hell out of your ass, you will know that my name is the Claus. Merry Christmas. Call me!
NC (voiceover): (Normal) Meanwhile, some more visitors come in to help Santa out.
(Two little people (Santa’s elves) walk in disguised with grey trench coats, sunglasses and fedora hats on)
Lollipop Guild (from “The Wizard of Oz”): (audio) We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild…
(Cut to Ernest walking in the cargo hold area and looks up to see the reindeer walking on the ceiling)
Ernest: (to Chuck) I’ve got to have those reindeer at the Children’s Museum, like five minutes ago. Know what I mean?
Chuck: We’ve been, uh, holding these fleabags for a fella named Elmes.
Elf #1: (walks in with the other elf up to the desk) Helper Elves.
Chuck: You have an ID?
Both Elves: (take off their hats to reveal their pointed ears) Ta-da!
NC: (as the elves) We’re here to shoot a David Lynch film?
NC (voiceover): So Ernest tries to drive the reindeer to the Children’s Museum but gets his tires blown out.
Elf #1: If Santa were here.
Elf #2: He’d know what to do.
Ernest: Oh, yeah? What would he do? (A reindeer pokes its head out from the back of the truck before we cut to Ernest snapping his fingers, getting an idea) I’ve got it!
NC (voiceover): (as Ernest) Let’s sell the reindeer for another truck!
NC (voiceover): (Normal) So Ernest gets out the sleigh and they go riding into the night.
(A magical blaze comes from the sleigh as it soars into the sky; intercut with footage of “Back to the Future” with the Delorean’s fiery trail going past Marty and Doc Brown)
NC (voiceover): But the BIG BAD MILITARY tries to shoot them down!
Elf #1: (rides in the back of the sleigh) Bogey at 9:00!
Ernest: (looks back to see a military jet nearby) Uh-oh! All passengers return to your seats!
(Two military jets start shooting)
Elf #2: Incoming! Incoming!
NC: You missed, but you can still get Jack Skellington!
(Cut to a clip from “The Nightmare Before Christmas” with a military gun barrel shooting at Jack Skellington’s sleigh)
Jack Skellington: Merry Christmas to all…
(Cut back to NC looking camera left to follow the path of the falling sleigh)
Jack Skellington: (audio) ...and to all a good—! (A thud is heard)
NC: Good job. (smiles)
NC (voiceover): So the ‘80s chick has a change of heart and decides to go back to the Children’s Museum. All the while, Joe is ready to sign a deal with the Hollywood people.
Hollywood Producer: These reflective figures we discussed?
Joe: Before we sign, uh, I-I need to go over a few problems I have with the script.
Hollywood Producer: Problems?
NC: (as the Hollywood Producer, snorting through his nose and talking snobbish) Problems? What are these problems that you speak of?
Joe: Can’t we do something about the violence and the bad language?
Hollywood Producer: Who do you think you are? You can’t sit there and dictate changes to me. You’re not some kind of big star, you know. You’ve been saying “Please” and “Thank you” so much, you’ve gotten the idea that that’s the way things are. Well, get with it, man. This is the real world.
NC: (as the producer, talking snobbish) We are Hollywood producers. We are the Gods! We are the Gods! (laughs maniacally as we hear a thunderclap)
(Cut to Mary and Santa talking together at the Children’s Museum)
Mary: So, did you ever find your sack?
NC (voiceover): STOP CALLING IT THAT!
(Cut to Harmony running up to Santa and is out of breath)
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) Time to open a can.
Harmony: I just—I got to thinking about you and Ernest.
NC: (as Harmony) And why I look like a female Ralph Macchio.
NC (voiceover): Even Joe sees Santa’s sleigh, decides to screw Hollywood and go be Jolly Old Saint Nick.
Joe: (after shaking hands with Santa at the museum and his wardrobe changes to the familiar Santa Claus wardrobe) How do I look?
Santa: Like the real thing.
Joe: Guess I’d better get going.
Santa: Where’s the sleigh?
(Cut to the sleigh flying around the entire world at warp speed; Ernest is still trying to guide the sleigh)
NC: Look out! You’re going to run into Superman turning the world backwards!
(Intercut with footage from “Superman 1” with Superman flying around the world at super speed and Ernest flying the sleigh in the opposite direction; Cut to a fake animation of the two colliding, causing an explosion above the earth)
NC: Oooh, that’s a messy Christmas.
NC (voiceover): So Ernest finally gets the sleigh back, and Santa allows Joe to take over. They even let Ernest ride the sleigh one more time.
Mary: (to Santa) By the way, we haven’t been fully introduced. My name is Mary Morrissey.
Santa: Well, once upon a time, I was called Seth Applegate. I guess I am, again.
NC (voiceover): (as Santa) I was also called “Zindar, Destroyer of Worlds,” but that’s another time.
Joe: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
(The caption “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! KnowhutImean?” appears onscreen)
Eric Idle (from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”): (nudges another man and speaks quickly) Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge.
NC: So that was “Ernest Saves Christmas.” It’s stupid, it’s cheesy, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense…and I watch it every year.
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean it. It’s a serious guilty pleasure, and even though it doesn’t totally hold up, there’s just some nice things about it, mostly centering around the guy who plays Santa Claus, who is just wonderful. And there is just something I really like about it, even if it is phenomenally stupid.
NC: But here’s my question to all these movies where they try to prove Santa doesn’t exist. If Santa doesn’t exist in these worlds, how do you explain the presents just magically appearing under the tree if the parents don’t get them?
(Cut to Ernest grinning stupidly to the camera)
NC: That’s what I thought. Merry Christmas, everybody. Thanks for watching all these December episodes. Have a wonderful holiday and…wait a minute. Next month is January. You know what that means! (Beat) SCHWARZENEGGER MONTH!!!
(He briefly dances to the “Put the cookie down” remix before getting up to leave)