October 6, 2015
(We start off with a parody of the introduction of Goosebumps. Firstly, NC is shown walking outside a grassy park, carrying a bag labeled "Shadowy Letter Collection". NC opens the bag, causing all sorts of written papers and shadowy letters to fly around the place. One letter passes by a billboard of Stephen King, with a caption saying, "Read Stephen King!" During this, King's smile turns into a frown. A person picks up one written paper, which says "Goosebumps now nostalgically profitable!" The person is revealed to have Jack Black's face, who glows million dollar signs on his eyes. A shadowy letter flies towards a front door of a house and knocks on it. NC approaches the door.)
NC: Goddamn it.
Ghostly Voice: Nostalgia-Ween! Look out, there's bullshit about... (Laughs giddily)
(We fade into NC at his house. He goes into a door, and comes out, now wearing a jacket colored with Halloween pumpkins. He walks into the kitchen, and pours three different cereals, Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo-Berry, into a bowl, before pouring the chocolate milk and putting a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the middle of the bowl. Just as he is about to eat his food, NC suddenly screams in pain and falls to the ground as large balls of fire start coming out from his ass. Malcolm and Tamara come in and notice him.)
Tamara: Ah! Kill it with violence!
(She and Malcolm grab a couple of weapons, yell a battle cry, and start beating the crap out of NC. After a couple of seconds of beating up NC, we cut to a doctor played by Jim Jarosz finishing an internal examination on the NC as Malcolm and Tamara look on. NC yelps, then whimpers as the doctor pulls his finger out. He then approaches the two.)
Doctor: Well, you were right to be afraid. (Malcolm and Tamara immediately resume beating up NC.) No, but, not of him. (Malcolm and Tamara stop, with Tamara doing one more hit on NC.) You see, the Critic's ass is actually the gateway to Hell.
Doctor: Yeah, see for yourself.
(The trio look inside NC's ass. Inside is Hell, with the Devil (Malcolm) again being shown. The Devil notices the trio looking at him.)
Devil: Do you mind? I'm remodeling! (Blasts a burst of fire at the trio, before picking up a flower plant) This place needs a plant. (Walks away)
Malcolm: Why is the gateway to Hell on the Critic's ass?
(As the doctor talks, he points the finger that was just in the NC's ass for the internal examination around, much to Malcolm and Tamara's disgust.)
Doctor: Well, that's the funny thing about Hell. You see, it can appear just about anywhere. The grocery store, the laundromat, and most political fundraisers.
NC: But I always thought Hell was more a state of being, the absence nay, rejection of God, leading to world devoid of happiness, compassion or love.
Doctor: Nope, it's a place in your ass. Haven't you ever seen Event Horizon?
NC: Oh, you mean that piece of...? (Fire bursts out of NC's ass)
Tamara: Wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with the cult following where even the cult following doesn't know why there's a cult following?
Doctor: Oh, yes. (grabs Tamara's face and taps her nose with the finger as she tries to get away from it.) And according to the director of Mortal Kombat, Hell can even exist in space.
(The doctor slaps the hand on Malcolm's face)
Doctor: Yes, my friend.
Malcolm: That sounds like really lazy design work.
Devil: (Off-screen) I'm putting in a plant!
(Now we cut to the logo of Event Horizon, followed up by clips of the movie)
NC (vo): Event Horizon was one of those films that got a lot of advertising when it came out, but was a critical and box office failure, leading to it disappearing really quickly. But over the years, it's grown a bizarre fanbase. Of who, you may ask? Um...remember those jocks who wanted to think they were into hardcore scary movies for a couple seconds?
NC: (Jock voice) Hey, uh, you remember that movie that was like Star Wars but kind of scary?
Voice: Event Horizon?
NC: (Jock voice) Yeah! Yeah! That was a thing.
NC (vo; normal): Okay, I can't say that's all of them, but it's usually the ones that I've come across. Nevertheless, it's still hard to figure out why this has gotten the attention it has over the years, but maybe this Nostalgia-Ween, we can figure it out.
NC: So let's see why Hell has such a fucking weird realtor. (Another burst of fire bursts out from NC's ass) This is Event Horizon.
NC (vo): So after hearing music by that nightclub you pass by and go "nah", we get some background on our futuristic setting. (2015, First Permanent Colony Established on Moon) Oh, so we colonized the moon this year, huh? Why am I always the last to know these things?
NC: Christ, this is always what happens when I ride my hoverboard too much!
NC (vo): And seeing how this is from the director of Mortal Kombat, I expect to see some pretty bad CGI coming up here... (enter CG objects floating in space) oh, yeah! Mmm, taste that mediocrity! Oh, that's making Sharkboy and Lavagirl look like Lord of the Rings right now!
NC: Hold on! (pulls out a box that has the Foodfight! logo on it) I got some even more great effects that I can find in here!
NC (vo): We get a pretty cool looking image which, it turns out, is just the dream of our main character Sam Neil, and naturally, what you just saw, plays no part in anything whatsoever. Christ, I really hate these dream sequences, in movies, that don't tie into anything. They're the equivalent of that girlfriend, who tells you all her dreams without relating it to the situation.
(Cut to a boyfriend and girlfriend [Event Horizon director Paul W. S. Anderson and his wife Milla Jovovich, perhaps?], played by Doug and Tamara)
Girlfriend: Oh my god, I had such a weird dream last night that things were floating, this guy was floating, and I was floating too (happily sighs)
Girlfriend: (excited) Oh my god, you should put that in your movie!
Boyfriend: (annoyed) No!
Girlfriend: Come on, it'll be fun!
Girlfriend: (sulking) [David] Lynch's wife says he puts all of her dreams in his movies
Boyfriend: Alright, fine, if it will get you off my back.
Girlfriend: Oh my god, I had a dream you would say that.
NC (vo): We then see Neil on a space station, where the cinematography takes the "flushing toilet" approach, as he intercepts a ship, known as the "Louis and Clark". Yeah, they were gonna call it the "Sacagawewa", but even in the future, nobody cares about Native Americans. The captain of the ship is played by Laurence Fishburne, which, judging by his acting, makes me wonder more and more if this was just a really bad prequel to The Matrix.
Captain Miller: We were taken off of a well deserved leave, and sent into Neptune space. We are not three billion clicks away from the nearest outpost.
NC (as Miller): What if I told you, you were starring in shit?
NC (vo): Now, of course it couldn't rip off "The Matrix" because to hadn't been around for a long time, but you know what had been around for a long time: (picture of) Alien, and tell me if you see anything (as NC speaks, he compares similar scenes of the movie to "Alien"), fucking anything, that has the tiniest bit of an Alien feel or look. Actually, let me make this easier: Tell me if there is anything that does not have an Alien feel or look. Even the trucker's in space D things; (picture of "Alien" cast) in Alien, it worked because that's what they were; they were coming home from a mining job, and then suddenly they were woken up to check out a disturbance. Here, these people were specifically hired to locate an abandoned ship, and yet, they act like they have no idea about anything space related.
William Weir: Use a retaining magnetic field to find us another beam of gravitons. These, in turn, fold space time.
Miller: Laymen's terms.
Cooper: Fuck Laymen's terms! Do you speak English?
NC: Oh, sorry. Allow me to explain by using porn.
Weir: This piece of paper represents time. It folds space, so that point a and point b co-exists in space time.
NC: Hmmm, tell me more about this space thing.
Smith: See, you can't actually do that.
Lt. Starck: The law of relatively prohibits faster than light travel.
NC: Yeah, I mean come on buddy, we're astronauts, it's not like we're smart or anything.
Weir: I built it; that creates a dimensional gateway that allows us to jump, instantaneously, from one point of the universe to the other light years away.
Lt. Starck: How?
Weir: Well, i-it's difficult to explain, it's all meh.
NC: Yeah, what do you think we are all, rocket scientists? Oh wait, we are. We should probably know all of this.
NC (vo): In fact, there's technically very few scientists on the voyage at all. Wouldn't it have made more sense to send more of them in, or...anyone? Who knows what they're fucking supposed to do!
Cooper: Skipper, I got a question for you: What the fuck are we doing all the way out here?
Miller: Well, perhaps the good doctor would be kind of enough to tell us.
NC: We wanted to keep it a surprise. I know you're all qualified to handle top secret information, but I saw one of you take a selfie win Sophie's birthday cake; and well, the entire surprise was just ruined!
NC (vo): This calls for another completely pointless scare.
(A woman puts her hand on Weir's shoulder, and he turns around).
Woman: I'm waiting.
Weir: (unenthusiastically) Ahhhhh!
NC (vo as Weir): I almost wanted to convince you that was a real scream, but then, halfway though, I was just like "fuck it, it's Event Horizon".
Peters: Are you all right?
NC (vo): Christ, how many fake-out dreams can a guy have?
(Cut to NC, waking up)
NC: Oh, what a horrible dream...
(Cut to NC waking up again)
NC: Well, at least I'm awake now.
(Cut to NC, once again, waking up)
(Cut to NC waking up again. He pauses and then wakes up again before he can say anything)
NC: (frustrated) That's it! I'm sticking with reality! Come on, Cheshire Cat!
(NC gets up and leaves as the Cheshire Cat's head materializes and follows)
NC (vo): When they finally get to the "Event Horizon", Fishburne navigates the men with his (chuckling) incredibly silly hanging chair.
Justin: 10,000 meters and closing, sir!
NC (vo): He looks like a rocking old lady. Why does he have that?!
Miller: Where is it?!
Starck: The scope is lit!
NC (vo): The other people have a ton more buttons to push. Why does he get the jungle gym furniture? (as Miller) Whee, I'm a spaceman!
NC (vo): After connecting stately to this incredibly immature music I'm now putting over it...
(the porno music plays as it shows the ship connecting)
NC (vo): ...they send in a probe to scope out the area to make sure it's safe for them to- Or they could just go in themselves.
Miller: This place is a deep freeze.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, "deep freeze", huh? Is that why we can still hear the water moving as it floats by?
NC: Maybe they mistook it for a... "room temperature" freeze.
NC (vo): So...yeah, seeing as how Neil (Weir) is the designer of this ship, you have to wonder what the scientific relevance is of, why the fuck it looks like Bowser's Castle?!
NC (as Weir): No, no, the door's need teeth. I know a reflective tunnel seems pointless, but it scientific I swear. Don't ask me why everything looks like Marilyn Manson's auto repair! It's space stuff. Super technologically advanced space stuff. Do I have to explain with another pin-up poster?
(A grotesque humanoid figure scares one of the woman, causing her to scream in an odd way)
NC: (laughs) Why doesn't nobody scream right in this movie? That sounded more like a dog barking than a woman shouting.
(Shows the woman again, and then it cuts to a dog barking as the woman screams)
NC (vo): But the dimensional black portal hole thingy starts acting funny as one of them takes a closer look.
(Justin touches the portal with his finger)
NC: No, don't touch it! You'll be wearing (cut to an image of "Emo" Peter from Spider-Man 3) emo haircuts and doing tap dancing in bars for weeks!
(Justin's hand gets stuck)
Justin: Oh, shit!
(Justin is pulled in as the Goofy scream is dubbed over)
Cooper: I'm gone!
NC (vo): He gets sucked in, but they pull him back, only to discover things aren't making much sense. I mean, more than usual.
Cooper: There was liquid, and the whole core just turned solid.
Weir: It would mean the gateway was open.
Miller: Well, then, that's... the gateway was open!
Weir: It couldn't be opened. Mr. Cooper's delusional.
NC (vo): What?! He would have to believe him! There's no way he could make that up! Hello?
Miller: What happened here, Doctor?
NC (vo): After seeing the typical Arby's eater, the rest of the crew is realizing they start to see things that shouldn't logically be there.
(Peters starts crying when D.J. "jump scares" her)
(Peters let's out another strange cry)
NC: (laughs) Seriously, did the cast take screaming lessons from Marmaduke?!
(Shows the scene again, comparing Peter's scream to a small puppy's bark)
Claire: (offscreen) Billy, be with me....
(Lights turn on, revealing Claire to Weir)
(Lights turn off again, causing Claire to disappear)
NC (vo): (laughs) You know, I just realized that ghosts aren't really scary when they have a little bit of attitude on them.
NC (vo as Claire): And I don't just mean forever, like when you promised to rub my feet forever, I mean forever!
NC (vo): Of course, as scientific astronauts, they come to one logical conclusion...
Miller: What are you telling me? That this ship is alive?
Lt. Starck: You wanted an answer, and that's the only one I've got.
NC: Wow, that was like your first answer. I mean...
NC (vo): "Star Trek" had like five episodes where they hallucinated stuff and they always came to a logical conclusion for it, but you, you're like...
NC: Boom! Ship's alive, we're goina sacrifice a virgin. I'm looking at you, Eddie Redmayne Franco (Justin).
NC (vo): Speaking of which, he wakes up from his sleep, and wonders in a daze towards the airlock to kill himself. But, to be fair, that might be because everyone in the crew insists on calling him "Baby Bear".
Peters: No, Baby Bear, come on!
Cooper: (in a different scene) Okay, Baby Bear!
NC (vo): Is that...really going to put him in a better mood, calling him that?
(Cut to NC and Malcolm reenacting the scene)
NC: Come on back, Baby Bear!
Malcolm: (seething) I told you, I hate it when you call me Baby Bear!
NC: Alright, we'll call you Smuchikins!
(Malcolm groans in frustration)
(Malcolm groans in annoyance)
NC: Honey Lemon?
(Malcolm groans in annoyance)
NC I know! Shrinky Balls! You'll love it when we call you Shrinky Balls...
(Malcolm presses the air lock and gets ejected, much to NC's shock)
NC: It was unavoidable.
(Cut to commercial)
(End of commercial)
NC (vo): So, our junior extra-naut wakes up from his daze and realizes what's going on.
Justin: Where am I? Hey, open the door!
Lt. Starck: I can't, the inner door won't open when the outside door has been triggered.
Peters: (softly) Oh, my God!
Justin: (scared) Mama Bear, open the door.
NC (vo): (laughs) Jesus, Mama Bear, Baby Bear... How long tell they all move into into a house tree in the middle of bear country?
Lt. Starck: Justin just activated the door, it's on a thirty-second delay!
NC (vo as Miller): My Baby Bear won't leave his Pedo Bear anytime soon!
DJ: It won't be pretty, but he should live.
NC (vo): As you'd imagine, a lot of hostility starts to spread though the group.
Lt. Starcke: Justin said something about a "dog inside me", what does that mean?
Weir: Uh, I-I don't think it means anything.
NC (vo as Weir): I'm walking away now, do not chasw me.
(Miller follows Weir)
NC (vo as Weir): Hey, I really said that thinking you wouldn't follow me!
Miller: I'd like some answers, Doctor!
NC (vo): But, even Fishburne starts to get freaked out by what he is witnessing.
(Miller turns and see nothing, but then images of torture flash though his mind)
NC (vo): And now, it's time for "What Generic Horror Cliche Will Fishburne Say?"!
(As NC "guesses", a bunch of options flash at the bottom of the screen: "MOTHER OF GOD", "LORD HAVE MERCY", "WE'RE DOOMED", "GOD HELP US", "WE'RE FUCKED")
NC: Uh, let's see. I'm looking for a "Mother of God". "Mother of God" or "Lord Have Mercy". "Lord Have Mercy" or "We're Doomed". Is it "We're Doomed"? Let's see if it's "We're Doomed" (x3) STOP!
(NC stops on "GOD HELPS US")
Miller: God help us.
NC (vo): Oh, "God Help Us". Man, with such memorable lines line like these, who needs effort?
NC (vo): They finally find a video of what happened to the last crew, which leads to the Scooby and Shaggy method of confronting the unknown.
Miller: We're leaving.
(A clip from Scooby Doo Where Are You?)
(Shaggy and Scooby run away)
Weir: It's my ship, you can't just leave her!
Miller: Then we'll launch tac middles at the "Event Horizon" until I am satisfied she is vaporized! Fuck this ship!
NC (vo as Miller): Again, I refer all rational of scientific discovery, and exploring what the world has never encountered to "fuck this ship"!
Weir: You can't leave. She won't let you.
NC (vo): But Neil, quite bizarrely out of nowhere, suddenly decides he's the bad guy.
Miller: You just get your gear, and get back on the "Louis and Clarke", Doctor, or you'll find yourself walking home.
Weir: I am home.
(Weir walks backwards into the shadows)
NC (vo as Weir): I'm quite, uncharacteristically, deciding that I belong here. Anakin Skywalker's turnaround has nothing on me.
NC(vo): From here, tons of things go wrong: Neil sabotages everyone, he blows astronauts into space, he...pulls people on strings.
(A green arrow points to a string that pulls an astronaut back)
NC (vo): It all goes to Hell. And yes, I guess you can take that literally. But one astronaut (Cooper) seems just...mildly annoyed that he's stranded out in the middle of oblivion.
Cooper: Where the fuck am I going, why's this shit gonna happen to me?
NC (as Cooper): Man, I had plans tonight, I was going to marathon Bob's Burgers on Netflix...
NC (vo): Bu, it's okay because he has a rocket pack in order to get him back.
Cooper: I'll blow my air tank. I'll blow my air tank. (he does so) Yes! Yes! Here I come, motherfuckeeeeeers!
NC: You know, can we just have a sign that reminds us that this is supposed to be a scary movie.
(On cue, the words "THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY MOVIE" appear on the screen)
NC (vo): Good, cause it was starting to look like an episode of Home Boys in Outer Space.
NC: (after a beat) And yes, that was a thing. Don't Google it.
NC (vo): To make things worse, Sam Neil has pretty much transformed himself into a video game villain, having clawed out his eyes, and revealed that this it has pretty much gone the same direction as Doom.
Weir: I created the Event Horizon to reach the stars. She tore a hole in our universe, a dimension of pure evil.
NC (vo): Yeah, it's pretty hard to take him seriously when he looks like that. He's kind of like that "Haunted House" attraction you walk by and say "Oh! Yeah, I know you're trying! Just keep hanging in there, you'll-you'll scare somebody."
NC: As one of the astronauts (Lt. Starck) proves herself useless, rocket man lands on the window, and Neil shoots at him because, like everyone in this movie, he tends to forget exactly what space does.
(Weir screams "kablarr" as he is sucked out)
NC: KABLARR! KABLARR!
NC (vo): They then come across a ridiculous blood scene that makes The Shining look downright subtle.
(a giant wave of blood covers Starck)
NC (vo as distorted voice): How about a nice Hawaiian death?
NC: Things get even worse when literal ghosts from the past show up.
Burning man: You let me burn!
(The ghost shoots flames)
NC: (laughs) Just flash it, just flash it.
("THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SCARY MOVIE")
NC: Christ, I've seen Simpsons Halloween specials more scary than this.
(A burning man punches Miller and sends him flying)
NC: Oh,come on! I have that punch sound effect!
(NC punches off screen to prove his point)
NC (vo): But Neil somehow manages to turn himself into papercut head and reveals that the ship has, in fact, opened up the gates of Hell...oops.
Weir: Did you really think you could destroy this ship? She's been to a place you couldn't possibly imagine.
Miller: I know. To Hell.
NC: Wow, this sheds much more light on that passage describing Hell in the Bible!
(Cuts to false Bible quote from 2 Peter 2:4" God sends sinners to Hell, which is in SPACE by the way, we want to make that totally clear. I know it's a weird location, but trust me, it's very unlikely you'l get to it, unless you have some dimensional jumping thingy. In fact, let's take this time to throw in an extra commandment: No Dimensional Jumpy Thingies! We'll just call that number 11 okay? Good. Now where was I? Oh yeah, hell, this is where our loving God sends people to rot in pain...)
NC (vo): I always knew they should have left that part in.
NC (vo): As images of his friends suffering in Hell play over their incredibly disinterested acting...
Miller: No, you're not Edward Corrick, I watched him die.
Weir: And you are all coming with me!
(Cut to NC disinterested and playing with his IPad)
NC: (bored) Yeah, yeah, tell me about Hell in a minute. I'm checking my Instagram.
NC (vo): They have the only thing that could possibly make talks of eternal damnation even scarier...A fist fight.
(Miller starts hitting Weir with a bat)
(Each world, Miller speaks is followed by him hitting Weir once)
NC: We can make it even scarier if we add the Star Trek music.
(NC adds the Star Trek music as Weir and Miller continue to fight. Then, Miller presses a button)
NC (vo): So, Hell was...surprisingly easily to beat, as Fishburne stays behind with the black hole that apparently fixes itself, and the galaxy has a little poop. Our surviving astronauts think they made out okay...
NC: But... (dramatically) did they?
(Starke wakes up screaming after having a nightmare shut Weir)
Cooper: It's the rescue team, we're saved!
(The doors close)
NC: (pause) I honestly don't know. (pause) Is that how the movie ends?
(The words "The End" appear as music starts playing)
NC (vo): I guess so!
NC: You know, there's a difference between leaving a movie open ended, and just throwing in an evil shrug. You could be like... So, uh, movie, what did you mean by that ending exactly?
(Cut to NC doing the evil shrug)
NC: I mean, are they still in Hell, or did they get out? Because, either way, there's a lot of plot holes that-
(NC does the evil shrug)
NC: You just didn't know how to end it, so you raised M. Night Shyamalan's throwaway twist, didn't you?
(NC does the evil shrug)
NC: Yeah, okay, let's wrap this up.
(clips from the movie play as NC gives us his closing speech)
NC (vo): I'm not entirely sure why this film has a following because, honestly, it's a little too boring to even warrant one. Everything is just paint by numbers in terms of phoned-in space horror.
NC: However, I don't always hear people talk about the version we did get, but rather the version that we didn't get.
NC (vo): Apparently, this movie was really edited down, and there's a rough cut somewhere that's a lot more gory. So gory that I'm just going to put the time code here, in case you are squeamish, because, yeah, this gets pretty intense. Remember those quick cuts of the people suffering in Hell? There was apparently a lot more of that in this movie, like, a ton. (Shows still images of a few of these gory torture scenes) And when you look at the detail in those quick edits, they actually are pretty damn disturbing. And, don't get me wrong, if this isn't your thing, it's totally understandable, and it'd still properly be a dumb movie anyway. But, at least, it would have went all the way with something because, by God, this is some really try fucked-up imagery here. Sadly, though, the studio said it was too disturbing and cut it out, leaving us with a just a lame generic-ass ghost flick. Had they kept these cuts in, it may have made the movie stand out more, thus making it more unique. It would kind of be like taking the gore out of the Evil Dead movies, it's just a big part of the identity. Maybe putting it back in might have solved a lot. But, yeah, how ironic is it that the guy, who directed a PG-13 Mortal Kombat, had to be censored for gore in an R-rated movie? I guess this dude will never get his "gore-splortation" masterpiece.
NC: So, maybe if's not the film itself, but the film it could have been that fascinates people.
NC (vo): I'm not going to act like I have the answer why, but, at least if you find the flick is dull as I do, there's at least a more interesting "making of" story that goes along with it. I guess on of those is liable to get your attention, but for me, I'd much rather watch what this creepy-ass imagery was going to be, rather than the snooze fest it became.
NC: And speaking of Hell, you thinking of relocating anytime soon?
(Cut to the Devil)
Devil: Well, the smell is pretty bad, even for me. But I just can't go without leaving you some form of suffering.
NC: You put Hell up my ass! How much more suffering can you give than that?
Devil: Well, I have been scouting for William Shatner's toupee. All right, I'll head out, then.
NC: Thank God... I mean, you, whatever.
(The Devil vanishes with an explosion as light shines from NC's ass)
NC: Hey, Tamara! Can you look up my ass to see if Hell is still there?
Tamara: I'm going to be a back-up singer for Brentalfloss.
NC: Just do it!
(Tamara rolls her eyes as NC lays on his desk, and Tamara looks up NC's ass)
Tamara: There's nothing in there but a book.
Tamara: ...by Stephen King.
(Channel Awesome Logo)
(Peters lets out a strange cry)