Fantastic Four (2015) (AKA Fant4stic)
April 4, 2017
(We are shown the 2017 NC opening. After that, we cut to the Critic in the backstage of his studio, going through a cabinet. After tossing away some junk, he comes across his superhero mask from when he, Malcolm, and Tamara were the The Adequately Impressive Three. He then walks in on Malcolm and Tamara, just sitting on the couch, flipping through the TV)
NC: Hey, guys, remember when we were a superhero team?
Malcolm: Surprisingly, no.
Tamara: Yeah, you'd think we'd remember something like that.
NC: You mean you have no recollection when a meteor smashed into Earth...
NC (vo): (clips are shown as he narrates) ...gave us incredible powers, forming the trio of the Adequately Impressive Three and then we just sat around watching Daredevil on Netflix?
Malcolm: Oh, yeah!
Tamara: The clips helped us remember.
NC: Why didn't we do anything after that?
Malcolm: Well, we did have that unpleasant encounter with the Silver Surfer.
(Clip shows Malcolm and Tamara playing a Silver Surfer video game)
Tamara: Yeah, but that was so bad, that everyone forgot it.
NC: As they should. But maybe we'd forgotten what it means to be superheroes.
Tamara: What do you mean?
NC: What if we did it again? What if we brought back the Adequately Impressive Three, only this time, we did it right?
(Clips are shown of NC, Malcolm, and Tamara wearing black as dark, epic music plays in the background)
NC: We'll be darker, grittier, and more realistic. Which, as we all know, immediately equals better. No more Pixelator, Clobbererer, or Sparky Sparky Boom Man. Together, we shall be Malcolm, Tamara, and Nostalgia Critic!
Tamara: Wait, what happened to our superhero names?
NC: We're too edgy for that. We don't need them anymore. And together, we shall become...
(The screen then cuts to black as the title "AD3QUAT3LY IMPR3SSIV3 THR33" fades in along with a large "3," and epic music, clearly pardoying the "Fant4stic" title)
Malcolm: Oh, I see, let the title display our name so we wouldn't have to say it out loud.
Tamara: That's really embracing our brand with pride.
NC: And enough of this bright, colorful background...
(NC crosses his arms, nods his head, and the vector background vanishes into a mere dark room)
Tamara: Hey, we're in a dark room.
NC: Our lives are a dark room. One...big...dark room.
Malcolm: My God, Critic, this is so different. What are we gonna do with the new us?
NC: This time, we're gonna get it right...we're gonna sit around and watch Jessica Jones on Netflix!
(Once again, the Three are just sitting around like jackasses watching Netflix, just like before)
Kilgrave (Doug): Is this a metaphor for something?
(Rob Walker comes in)
Rob: How are you guys still not fighting crime?!
NC: Quiet, Rob! Can't you see we're brooding?
(NC, Tamara, and Malcolm lower their heads into their arms)
Rob: But you're doing the same thing you did last time!
Malcolm: No, we're doing it in a darker room!
(NC claps his hands twice for the room's lights to dim, as they brood again)
Rob: Look, just because...
(Frustrated, he turns the lights back on, freaking out the three)
Rob: ...just because you're doing the same thing in a dark room does not mean you're not doing the same thing!
NC: Of course it does!
(NC turns the lights back off as they brood again)
Tamara: Being dark and unpleasant always equals more sophisticated and faithful.
Malcolm: Just look at the source material!
(Photo shown of the first Fantastic Four comic by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee is shown, looking very bright and colorful with major action in the streets against a giant monster)
Malcolm: Doesn't that just scream dark rooms and gritty realism?
NC: I think somebody needs to read a comic.
(Rob turns the lights back on, as the three hiss at the light)
Rob: Let me guess, you just saw the last cinematic version of Fantastic Four?
NC: No, we just saw the last cinematic version of "Fant-4-stic!"
(NC turns the lights back off to brood again as the title for Fantastic Four pops up followed by clips of the film)
NC (vo): FOX's disastrous reboot of the Fantastic Four franchise was not only a critical, audience, and box office portal of suck, but even the director expressed his disappointment on Twitter before the film came out!
(A photo of Josh Trank's infamous tweet claiming he made a better version of the film that will probably be never seen is shown)
NC (vo): Man, there's "ouch," and then there's...
(Gunshot sound is heard)
NC (vo): This would be the fourth time the Fantastic Four was botched cinematically. And it's sad that with such an impressive amount of failures, the most accurate representation of the Fantastic Four is this one.
(Clip of the infamous unreleased low-budget Fantastic Four film by Roger Corman is shown)
Thing: What kind of a thing have I turned into?! What have you done?! What have you done?!
NC (vo): Yeah, they get that bad.
(Nostalgia Critic returns in his regular getup to sit to start his review)
NC: So, while you focus on what's most important, perfecting your brooding pose...
(Malcolm and Tamara presume their poses as an annoyed Rob sits between them)
Rob: Get off me!
NC: ...I'll start the review. This is... (claps off the lights) Fantastic Four.
NC (vo): The film opens with the FOX logo flashing the letter F similar to how they flashed the letter X before the X-Men films.
NC: Honestly, if you wanna give us any assurance, you should flash this.
(The 20th Century FOX logo flashes "WE GOT DEADPOOL RIGHT!" followed by an "EVENTUALLY")
NC: (vo): We see a young Reed Richards getting distracted by his scientific ideas at school. Don't you know? American high schools where ideas go to die!
Mr. Kenny: Earth to Richards?
Kid: (makes static sound) Beam me up, Scotty!
NC: Star Trek jokes. Always wins over an entire class.
NC (vo): We see his teacher Homer Simpson... No, really, that's his voice actor, Dan Castellaneta.
NC: (rolls tongue) Rrrrrandom.
NC (vo): ...is not happy with his future goals.
Young Reed (Owen Judge): I want to be the first person in human history to teleport himself. It's already possible to transport quantum information from one location to another.
Mr. Kenny: Even if you could build the thing-
Young Reed: I've already built it.
NC: (as Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory) I am also working on a fool-proof way to keep Dee-Dee out of my room!
Mr. Kenny: The assignment was to pick a real career in the real world.
Brian Heinz (vo): (doing his Homer Simpson impression) Why can't you be a nuclear safety engineer? Or an astronaut? Or mayor? Or a country singer manager? I can keep going. I've had over 188 jobs. You think your franchise is running on fumes? Phew!
NC (vo): But his friend Ben also seems to be having trouble when he goes home to a dysfunctional family.
Jimmy Grimm (Chet Hanks): Hey! It's clobberin' time.
(Jimmy hits Ben and grabs him)
NC: Yay! That lighthearted phrase is from an abusive household!
(NC uncomfortably gives a thumbs up with an awkward blowhorn sound as the caption pops up: "The More You Know.")
NC (vo): But Reed says he can get him out of this movie...I mean, situation. He just needs a power converter for his flux capacitor...I mean, remake of Explorers...I mean, teleporter.
NC: Actually, flux capacitor would sound more reasonable at this point.
(Reed and Ben watch nervously, as Reed's prototype teleporter starts working)
Young Reed: Don't blow up. Don't blow up.
NC: Ah, what every producer said when this movie premiered.
(Reed's teleporter burns out, knocking out the power to house. Reed and Ben check to see if the toy car is gone, finding a pile of unknown matter)
NC (vo): Holy smokes, I made weed!
NC: We're gonna be The Fantastic 420!
NC (vo): Years go by and the two are ready to try their experiment again at the science fair.
(Reed and Ben are presenting the teleporter to Mr. Kenny)
Reed (Miles Teller): It modulates the frequency of matter from one location to another and then back again.
Brian Heinz (vo): (as Homer Simpson) Marge! The other kids are saying the word things again!
Reed: It's a teleporter.
Brian Heinz (vo): (as Homer Simpson) Yeah, whatever, nerd. When are you gonna stretch already?
Reed: You may wanna cover your ears.
(The teleporter emits a force field around a model airplane and the airplane disappears)
NC (vo): The experiment makes it teleport to another location they're not sure of...so, there's no proof it actually teleported, but it does result in a sonic boom so powerful, it destroyed the basketball hoop. So, hey, that's gotta count for something.
Mr. Kenny: You're disqualified.
NC: Wait, what?
Reed: Wait, what?
Mr. Kenny: This is a science fair, not a magic competition.
NC: So...magic destroyed the basketball hoop? Jesus! What does it take to impress you, Homer?!
(Clip from The Simpsons episode "Treehouse of Horror VIII" is shown, with Homer Simpson examining Professor Frink's teleporter)
Homer: It only transports matter? Hmm...
(Suddenly, Dr. Franklin Storm and his adopted daughter Susan appear at Reed and Ben's invention)
NC (vo): Well, thank God the director of a government-sponsored research institute working on interdimensional teleportation just happened to be there!
NC: No, really, someone must've been eating Lucky Charms' pubes to have that happen!
Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey): I think you've cracked interdimensional travel. We're from the Baxter Foundation. We'd like to give you a full scholarship.
NC: (as Dr. Storm) I was going to give a grant for that Paper Mache Volcano, but I guess this is a little better.
NC (vo): They take him to a school so high tech, they can't fully light their hallways, as Reed tries to get friendly with the director's daughter, Sue Storm.
Reed: So, you like music? Is that, like, your thing?
NC: Oddly enough, no. What, sounds that form a melody, is that still a thing?
Sue (Kate Mara): There's patterns in everything and everyone.
Reed: What's mine?
Sue: You wanna be famous.
Reed: Am I that predictable?
NC: Well, when you're in this movie, it's hard not to be.
(We then cut to a board meeting between Dr. Harvey Allen and Dr. Storm, with Harvey going through paperwork)
Dr. Allen (Tim Blake Nelson): Wait, what's this? Victor Von Doom is on here.
NC (vo): Yep, you heard that correctly. This dark, gritty, realistic version still has a guy named "Von Doom" in it.
NC: Because professor "Von Evil-Nasty" wasn't obvious enough!
NC (vo): Nevertheless, Storm is still convinced that he should be brought onto the project.
Victor (Toby Kebbell): So someone stole my design.
Dr. Storm: No one stole anything, Victor.
NC (vo): (as Victor) Bullshit. You know Borat and Peter Dinklage stole my face.
NC: (still as Victor) Hell, they'll even make a joke about it later.
(Cut to a later scene)
Johnny (Michael B. Jordan): I'm sorry, this is Borat.
NC: Figured seeing how our box office will be on par with (poster of...) Bruno.
(Reed looks at the group of people working and actually spots somebody)
Reed: Who's that?
Reed: Who's Victor?
NC: (as Reed, bewildered) And why did I notice him when literally nothing makes him stand out at all?
NC (vo): Even the shot isn't composed so that you'll focus on him. I'm more likely to think (The shot zooms to a worker on the foreground) this guy is Victor! This is our villain, folks! Even the movie forgets he's supposed to be important.
NC (vo): They do see images, though, from the parallel dimension that they're trying to get to.
Reed: It's beautiful.
NC: (as Reed, speaking very monotonously and quietly) You can tell by the investment in my voice.
NC (vo): They hope this new world can save our current one, as I'm assuming, Earth is being drained of its color by FBI's most wanted terrorists. (Murky and Lurky from Rainbow Brite are shown)
Victor: It's a whole new world.
Dr. Storm: Which can help save this one.
Victor: Not that it deserves to be saved.
Sue: Dr. Doom, over here. (Victor turns to her)
NC: You see, I don't even know how to take that. Was she making a joke or just calling him by his name?
NC (vo): It's like calling your bad guy "Dr. You're-a-Monster." There has just to be some confusion down the road!
(We see Dr. Storm's son, Johnny, street racing)
NC (vo): But it turns out Storm has another son named Johnny, who's a reckless troublemaker. (Beat) In this scene. He is literally never reckless or causes trouble throughout the rest of the film.
(Dr. Storm, after taking Johnny out of the hospital, talks to him)
Dr. Storm: Well, you're not getting the car back.
Johnny: Excuse me?
Dr. Storm: You're gonna have to earn it. You're gonna have to come work for me.
Johnny: I'm not wearing a lab coat.
NC (vo): So Johnny joins a world-changing experiment to get his car back...
NC: ...Because, you know, life...
NC (vo): ...And is re-introduced to the team.
Johnny: (to Victor) Is that Adolf? Long time.
NC: You don't need to make fun of his name. It does it quite naturally on its own.
NC (vo): They have their little "making stuff" montage, complete with "do-do-do-do" music.
(A small clip of that montage, with Philip Glass' (yes, THAT one) music playing throughout, is shown)
NC (vo): And it appears they've made a lot of progress.
(Sue comes to Johnny at the computer)
Johnny: What's up?
Sue: I gotta say, it's fun having you here.
NC: (confused, looks around) Uh...did we miss that part?
NC (vo): Not kidding, there has never been one moment of any of these characters smiling, except for one shot in the montage when they're eating and not saying a word to each other. Is the movie's idea of building chemistry literally building chemistry?
Johnny: Look, don't get used to this. I'm just here to get my car back.
NC: (as Sue) You don't understand. We had Chinese food, and "do-do-do" music!
(Reed is asleep, his face lying on the table. Sue quietly walks in and taps him on his ear. He abruptly wakes up)
Reed: Oh! Oh, sorry. Oh.
NC: Ladies and gentlemen, that was our first action scene.
(The project's test starts, with a monkey (that is clearly CGI) as a subject)
NC (vo): The time has come to test the portal on an unrendered model from (poster of...) Space Chimps...
NC: They would have used a real monkey, but apparently, sitting in a chair was too dangerous!
NC (vo): ...And it seems to be successful. But it turns out they (the faculty) don't want to use the inventors for the first human teleports! (Beat) D-doesn't it kinda go without saying?
Dr. Allen: We have to start thinking about sending men.
Dr. Allen: I think it's time to coordinating with our friends at NASA.
Victor: Hey, thank you. (He flips them off as they leave)
NC: (confused again) The shuttle to the moon wasn't invented by Neil Armstrong. They even make a reference to that later.
Victor: You guys know who built the Apollo spacecraft, went to the moon? But you know who Neil Armstrong is, right?
Reed: Yeah. Yeah.
NC: Exactly! So...why did you think you were going?
Reed: Unless we go first. Why don't we go first? Oh, God, this thing works!
NC (vo): Ah, yes. Let's screw up a history-making experiment for your egos. I'm sure this will in no way...you know what, hold on a second-
NC: TURN ON A LIGHT!! Sorry, I had to get it out just once. (clears throat)
NC (vo): I'm sure this will in no way muck everything up. But, in order to destroy everything they worked for, our three scientists need one more to go with them.
NC: (as the picture of Sue slowly appears) Well, I'm sure you're all thinking of the same brilliant mind who has such a big impact, (The picture suddenly changes to...) Ben. (A long pause. NC continues smiling) Ben!
NC (vo): Because...you know, why the hell not? He has no scientific mind, done literally nothing, and out of himself is so useless that he just left Reed before they even started building it!
(The scene from before, with Ben saying goodbye to Reed, is shown)
Ben (Jamie Bell): Here. (throws Reed "a going-away present") I'm not going away, bro. I'm just going to school here. It looks like you're home, buddy.
NC: So...of course! Of course it should be him!
(Reed wakes Ben up by calling him)
Reed: Look, Ben, I need you to come because we're going tonight. I told the guys that I'm not going without you. Okay? Who's gonna have my back?
NC (vo): Oh, yeah. "Broomhandle Arms" is really gonna be trouble for any danger out there. Surely, he must be drunk.
Ben: You're drunk.
Reed: Yeah, I am a little drunk.
NC: Even more reason to do it! Why didn't the moon landing go this way?
(A stock footage of NASA's Mission Control Center is shown)
NC (vo, as a drunk spaceman): Houston, I'm so plastered, and I know a bunch of scientists worked really hard on this and everything, but...my buddy on that junkyard couldn't protect me to save either of our lives, and...bros before hos. Scientifically, this has to be done. Hey, look. An asteroid! Let's go give it a kiss-
(An explosion is heard. Back to the film, where we're shown Reed, Ben, Victor and Johnny exploring the Planet Zero)
NC (vo): So they travel to this new dimension to discover it's just as dark and bland as our world.
Reed: It's amazing. We did it.
NC: Don't you dare take off our Sub-Zero mask! If we come across Reptile in this outworld, we want to be evenly matched!
(The team come across a glowing green puddle, and Reed decides to put his hand in it (idiot))
NC (vo): But here's something I bet you never though they'd come across: something. Yeah! Goddamn something! I'd thought they'd never get to that in this movie!
(The area starts getting exploded with the glowing, green goo)
NC (vo): By God, Mountain Dew's working on another new flavour!
NC: Don't let it touch you! Or most of all drink it!
(We are shown Victor falling into the green goo, Ben getting covered in rocks, and Sue getting hit by the electical pulse from the machine back on Earth)
NC (vo): Victor gets left behind, Ben is covered in Cadbury Eggs, and Sue, despite not being there, still gets affected as well! Sorry, babe, it's one small step for man, you just get our gamma farts!
NC: Life is fair.
(Cut to Reed being examined by Dr. Allen's scientists)
NC (vo): It turns out Reed can now stretch incredibly far. I dare even say we call him "Mr. Fantastic"? (chuckles) No, no, no, just kidding. That'd be just like the comic book.
(We are shown Johnny completely covered in flames)
NC: Boy, the origin story for Flame Princess is a lot more intense I thought it'd be.
NC (vo): Sue, of course, gets invisible powers, and Ben looks like an uneaten Rockbiter Cheeto.
(The transformed Ben talks to Reed, who is escaping through the air vent)
Ben: Reed, what...what happened to me?!
Reed: I don't know. But I'm gonna figure this out. Shit! Ben! Ben, I'm coming back for you, I promise! (gets outside and runs away)
NC (vo, as Reed): And by "come back" I mean abandon you, not help you in any way and never return!
NC: Yes, there's a complicated love.
(We go to commercial; upon returning, we see Dr. Allen entering a dark room, where Ben is hiding in the shadows)
NC (vo): (sarcastically) Hey, look, a dark room. I haven't seen that yet.
Ben: Where is Reed?
Dr. Allen: Reed's gone. You want to find a cure? We have resources here.
NC: Okay, so this is particularly interesting...We just got done with the scene showing pretty much...
NC (vo): ...what Ben looks like: a cookie turd shat out by the (picture of...) rock monster from Galaxy Quest...
NC: Yet, for some reason, they keep his identity a secret here.
NC (vo): Even though we clearly already know what he looks like. The rooms being dark have already been pretty pointless, but this movie found a black hole of pointless! Like, there's already no point, and yet, somehow, it creates even less of a point!
NC: Is it too late to call them "The All-Around Uninteresting Dark Blur Four"?
NC (vo): To make things even stranger, we're almost at the 1 hour mark, and only now have they changed into their hero forms. Most of them just woke up, and suddenly, it's one year later, Ben is fighting for the army, Johnny has just figured out how to shoot fireballs, Sue can turn herself and other things invisible while also creating force fields, and they want to harness this power so they can go back to the parallel dimension to get even more powers.
NC: Now, you'd think I'm paraphrasing there. What did it take? Maybe a minute for me to say. It takes the movie the exact same amount of time to get...
(The caption "1 Minute and 16 Seconds" is shown below the clip of the military meeting, with the footage of Johnny, Sue and Ben fighting for them in the background)
NC (vo): ...all that information at you. Yeah, most of the superhero stuff is done in one goddamn minute! And it's not even in the forefront! See Ben doing all this cool action stuff? Well, it's not nearly as exciting as watching it in the distance with a bunch of lifeless douchebags sitting around!
(The scene NC just mentioned is shown)
NC (vo): We finally get some friggin' action, and it's not even the focus! Wha...How would you like it if an action scene in The Dark Knight was from a distance being watched by somebody else?
(The climax of The Dark Knight, with the Joker and Batman fighting, is watched on a Samsung phone by Lucius Fox (Malcolm) at his table. His secretary comes up, holding a coffee cup)
Secretary: Here's your coffee, Mr. Fox.
Lucius: Oh, thank you. (takes the cup)
Secretary: Oh, is that...
Lucius: Batman fighing the Joker? Yes.
Secretary: Does that somehow seem less dramatic to you?
Lucius: Hmm, you're quite right. Hold these.
(He hands over the phone and the cup to the secretary, claps his hands twice, and the room goes dark)
Lucius: Ah, much better. (He goes back to watch the movie, but then turns to his secretary again) Sippy-sippy. (The secretary, still holding a cup, helps Fox to drink the coffee) Now this is exciting.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But don't worry. If this is too much out of your comfort zone, fear not: we go right back into talking in dark rooms again!
(NC, with his jaw agape, claps his hands slowly in total annoyance and shock)
Johnny: What if it takes more time to get it right? We could be talking years.
Sue: I am not going to be a tool.
NC: The movie strongly disagrees.
(We are shown that Reed is actually hiding somewhere in Central America)
NC (vo): But it looks like Reed has been missing for a year, too...yeah, sure is hard to track a butt-naked scientist with no military training... However, he's eventually found by the army, who bring Ben in.
(The Thing lands on the ground)
Reed: My God, Ben!
Ben: So, this is where you've been hiding out.
NC: (as Reed) Hey, where's your thing? (laughs) I just thought of a good name for you- (Ben swings at Reed) Whoop!
(Ben misses Reed, hitting a tree)
NC (vo): Okay, finally, we’re gonna get some action- (Ben headbutts Reed, knocking him out) Oh, that was short.
(Cut to plane in mid-air)
NC: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, out of the MAGNITUDE of variety we’ve had in this film so far, let me take a guess...A WILD goddamn guess what's coming up next!
(Ben and Reed are sitting in a dark room on the plane, and big red subtitles that read "DARK ROOM TALKING" appear on screen)
NC: (offscreen) OH, MY GOOOD!!! (NC comes back to his chair) Why is this fantastic?! Why is this fantas- Your goddamn movie is called Fantastic Four, and you can’t even get one fantastic thing in it! WHY IS TALKING IN A GODDAMN DARK ROOM FANTASTIC?! W-Did you have an upbringing like the boy from Room?! (The poster of 2015’s Room is shown briefly) Is this literally all you know?! Was the outside world only explained to you in pictures and stories? If so, could you tell one of those stories, because IT’S GODDAMN MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS HORSESHIT!
(The plane lands at Area 57, with Dr. Allen approaching Reed)
NC: AH! An outside scene! Take it away! (Cut to Reed in a dark interrogation room with Sue) AHAHAH, THAT’S BETTER!!
Reed: Do you ever wonder what life would've been like if you hadn't come to the science fair that day?
NC: (as Reed) We could've been sitting in a dark room with table lamps. TABLE LAMPS!
(Cut to Franklin Storm talking with Johnny)
Dr. Storm: Reed is back. We’re closer than we’ve ever been before.
Johnny: Closer to what?
NC: (as Dr. Storm) The end credits. We can finally star in real movies again!
(Dr. Allen's explorers go to Planet Zero and find Victor)
NC (vo): They return to "Planet Burnt Brownie", where they discover Doom is alive and well. Hey, trust me...
NC: ...as long as this movie still going, doom will always be alive and well!
(Having been brought back to the Earth, Victor (who has been fused to his space suit, mouth included) explains his current goal to the scientists)
Victor: You want to know how I survived? That place gave me strength.
NC: Okay, I know it's a comic book adaptation, there have to be some changes, but...what is with FOX's obsession of turning Marvel characters into Slipknot crash test dummies?!
(A picture of Deadpool, as he infamously looked like in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, is shown alongside Doom's makeup)
NC (vo): Is this the one design they think exists? It's getting a little old! Hell, it was never that interesting to begin with! This movie really is the master of throwing boring, uninteresting things at you in a movie that's called Fantastic! Christ, what do you think their design for the climax is, that friggin' "portal in the sky" cliche?!
(After killing the scientists, Victor (now Doom) - you guessed it - activates a portal on Planet Zero to destroy the Earth. Cut to NC's chair, empty again. Rob comes up)
Rob: Nostalgia Critic?
(We see that NC is lying on the floor and has lost his consciousness!)
Rob: (gasps) Nostalgia Critic!!
(Rob, panting, shakes NC's head up and down to the Gregorian chant. The latter wakes up)
Rob: (at the verge of tears) Do you remember Chicago, Mr. Critic? It'll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. (Now he is suddenly wearing a Samwise Gamgee wig, to make the reference more obvious) The birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields...and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?
NC: (also panting) No, Rob...I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of originality. I'm...naked in the dark...
NC: A dark...room, just talking and talking, doing nothing but talking! That cliche...that portal...staring at me. I can see it! With my bored, bored eyes!!
Rob: Then let us be rid of it, once and for all! I can't carry that cliche, Mr. Critic...but I can carry you!
(Rob tries to lift a yelling NC off the floor. After some seconds, Rob realizes he can't do it and puts NC down, panting)
Rob: Or, you know, you could just finish the damn review.
NC: Yeah, I guess that's an option.
(Rob finally catches his breath)
NC: This was, um...this was weird...wh-wh-what we just did right here.
Rob: Yeah, a little bit.
(NC gets up and resumes his review)
NC (vo): So you might be wondering where the hell did this "destroy the world" thing suddenly come from, especially from a guy with such a cuddly name like Doom. Well, I'll give this movie some credit. Instead of having a huge exposition dump in one minute like before, this movie gives us at least...20 seconds more.
(The caption "1 Minute and 20 Seconds" appears)
NC: Yep. In that short amount of time, he says that...
NC (vo): ...his life cycle is tied to that world that he believes our world would destroy, and so he wants to destroy ours before they can get the jump on his world, and-
(We suddenly cut to a clip from Screwed)
Miss Crock (Elaine Stritch): Whooooooo cares?!
NC: Thank you, clip from the obscure movie Screwed. You're right. Moving on.
NC (vo): It looks life Professor Storm gets murdered...oh, that just looks weird (The clip from The Mask (1994), where Reg E. Cathey has played Freeze, is shown briefly) without a Jim Carrey song number going on...and our hero- (snickers) Sorry, it was only two syllables and I still couldn't say it. Our...these guys try to stop him from sucking the world into his dimensional bullshit.
(The Earth is getting consumed into the portal. Cut to a clip from Spaceballs)
Colonel Sandurz, Lord Dark Helmet, and President Skroob: Suck. Suck. Suck!
NC (vo): But Victor is too powerful and figures out ways to stop all of them.
Reed: Victor, don't do this!
Victor: There is no Victor. There is only Doom.
(Cut to NC holding a screenshot of Dana/Zuul from Ghostbusters (1984) saying the quote that pretty much everyone thought of. NC puts the shot down)
NC: I'm not wasting the clip on you.
NC (vo): But the Fantastic Bore eventually get the drop on him.
Ben: Hey! It's clobberin' time! (He punches Victor into the portal)
NC: Yyyyeah, in the context of the movie, that line really should be...
NC (vo, as Ben): What my brother said before he beat me up, still lacking relevance!
(Victor disintegrates in the energy beam. After closing the portal, the team arrives back on Earth to uplifting orchestral music)
NC: Yay! We did...whatever we did!
(The team is in the military office)
Military Official #1: We'd like to continue our existing relationship.
Sue: We don't need you or anybody else to keep an eye on us.
Reed: We just want a place where we can work.
Military Official #1: And what if we say no?
Johnny: Say yes.
Military Official #2: How much space are we talking about?
NC: Okay, I am actually so disinterested in what's going on, I am actually more curious in...
(Close-up on the tray with rolls on a table)
NC (vo): ...who took how many rolls from that plate. Okay, only Johnny seemed to take one. He apparently didn't finish it. The others had coffee, but nobody drank their water. Dude, that guy was on fire! I think you would at least have some water!
NC: These are the biggest concerns I'm coming out of this movie with!
NC (vo): So they're given their own location to continue to test out their powers...because Lord knows we haven't seen enough of that in these movies...as they seem to interact off each other.
Reed: I think that the four of us should have a name.
Sue: Why would we need a name?
Reed: Because we're a team now, and there's four of us, so we should come up with a name for it.
Johnny: How about "Two Guys, a Girl, and the Thing That Nobody Wanted"?
(Ben is irritated)
Reed: Hey, we both know that you could take him.
NC: Jesus, I'm beginning to see why you didn't give them personalities! Their relationships to the rolls was more interesting!
Ben: It's fantastic.
Reed: Yes, it is. Guys, I got it.
(We finally cut to the movie's title)
NC: (smiling) Oh! We didn't have to say it out loud, but you still had to take a movie with a guy named Von Doom seriously! Piss off!
(Clips from the movie are shown as NC goes to the final thoughts. Some clips from the 2005 adaptation are shown as well)
NC (vo): And that was Fan-Snore-Stic. It's bad. Really bad. The other Fantastic Four movies fail, too, but at least they fail in an over-the-top way and at least try to embrace the look and corniness of the comic. It's like it's ashamed to have anything to do with Fantastic Four, or comic books in general. In fact, when you add them altogether, the Hammer film is still the only one where they choose to fight crime, and they're not the ones who caused all the destruction they're fighting against! How does that hap...how does that happen in two reboots you're trying to make better?! All I can say is there's a right way and a wrong way to do dark, gritty comic book material. And this is definitely the wrong way.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...I'm just done.
(He gets up and leaves. Malcolm, Tamara and Rob stand up to say something)
NC: No, I'm done, guys. This movie took a lot out of me.
Tamara: But, what... Okay, now what are we supposed to do?
(The three turn to the place where this is coming from...and see Iron Man and Spider-Man peeking through the door and urging to come with them. Malcolm, Tamara and Rob smile and tip-top to the door, but then Lucius Fox pops up and closes it. The three stop)
Tamara: Oh, Fox. Why won't you let us play with the Avengers and Spider-Man?
Lucius: Oh, don't worry. We still have plans for you. (The dramatic music starts playing, but cuts short)
Tamara: You don't, do you?
Lucius: Not a thing. (turns to camera) And you get to suffer for it. (turns back to the three) Now, continue being anything but what you really are.
Malcolm, Tamara, and Rob: (deadpan) Flame on.
Lucius: I think you mean, lights out.
(He claps twice and we fade to black)
Malcolm, Tamara, and Rob: (deadpan) Yaaaaaay.
(We go to the end credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Victor: There is no Victor. There is only Doom.