Fantastic Four (2015) (AKA Fant4stic)
April 4, 2017
(We are shown the 2017 NC opening. After that, we cut to the Critic in the backstage of his studio, going through a cabinet. After tossing away some junk, he comes across his superhero mask from when he, Malcolm, and Tamara were the The Adequately Impressive Three. He then walks in on Malcolm and Tamara, just sitting on the couch, flipping through the TV)
NC: Hey, guys, remember when we were a superhero team?
Malcolm: Surprisingly, no.
Tamara: Yeah, you'd think we'd remember something like that.
NC: You mean you have no recollection when a meteor smashed into Earth...
NC (vo): (clips are shown as he narrates) ...gave us incredible powes, forming the trio of the Adequately Impressive Three and then we just sat around watching Daredevil on Netflix?
Malcolm: Oh, yeah!
Tamara: The clips helped us remember.
NC: Why didn't we do anything after that?
Malcolm: Well, we did have that unpleasant encounter with the Silver Surfer.
(Clip shows Malcolm and Tamara playing a Silver Surfer video game)
Tamara: Yeah, but that was so bad, that everyone forgot it.
NC: As they should. But maybe we'd forgotten what it means to be superheroes.
Tamara: What do you mean?
NC: What if we did it again? What if we brought back the Adequately Impressive Three, only this time, we did it right?
(Clips are shown of NC, Malcolm, and Tamara wearing black as dark, epic music plays in the background)
NC: We'll be darker, grittier, and more realistic. Which, as we all know, immediately equals better. No more Pixelator, Clobbererer, or Sparky Sparky Boom Man. Together, we shall be Malcolm, Tamara, and Nostalgia Critic!
Tamara: Wait, what happened to our superhero names?
NC: We're too edgy for that. We don't need them anymore. And together, we shall become...
(The screen then cuts to black as the title "AD3QUAT3LY IMPR3SSIV3 THR33" fades in along with a large "3," and epic music, clearly pardoying the "Fant4stic" title)
Malcolm: Oh, I see, let the title display our name so we wouldn't have to say it out loud.
Tamara: That's really embracing our brand with pride.
NC: And enough of this bright, colorful background...
(NC crosses his arms, nods his head, and the vector background vanishes into a mere dark room)
Tamara: Hey, we're in a dark room.
NC: Our lives are a dark room. One...big...dark room.
Malcolm: My God, Critic, this is so different. What are we gonna do with the new us?
NC: This time, we're gonna get it right...we're gonna sit around and watch Jessica Jones on Netflix!
(Once again, the Three are just sitting around like jackasses watching Netflix, just like before)
Kilgrave (Doug): Is this a metaphor for something?
(Rob Walker comes in)
Rob: How are you guys still not fighting crime?!
NC: Quiet, Rob! Can't you see we're brooding?
(NC, Tamara, and Malcolm lower their heads into their arms)
Rob: But you're doing the same thing you did last time!
Malcolm: No, we're doing it in a darker room!
(NC claps his hands twice for the room's lights to dim, as they brood again)
Rob: Look, just because...
(Frustrated, he turns the lights back on, freaking out the three)
Rob: ...just because you're doing the same thing in a dark room does not mean you're not doing the same thing!
NC: Of course it does!
(NC turns the lights back off as they brood again)
Tamara: Being dark and unpleasant always equals more sophisticated and faithful.
Malcolm: Just look at the source material!
(Photo shown of the first Fantastic Four comic by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee is shown, looking very bright and colorful with major action in the streets against a giant monster)
Malcolm: Doesn't that just scream dark rooms and gritty realism?
NC: I think somebody needs to read a comic.
(Rob turns the lights back on, as the three hiss at the light)
Rob: Let me guess, you just saw the last cinematic version of Fantastic Four?
NC: No, we just saw the last cinematic version of "Fant-4-stic!"
(NC turns the lights back off to brood again as the title for Fantastic Four pops up followed by clips of the film)
NC (vo): Fox's disastrous reboot of the Fantastic Four franchise was not only a critical, audience, and box office portal of suck, but even the director expressed his disappointment on his Twitter before the film came out!
(A photo of Josh Trank's infamous tweet claiming he made a better version of the film that will probably be never seen is shown)
NC (vo): Man, there's "ouch," and then there's...
(Gunshot sound is heard)
NC (vo): This would be the fourth time the Fantastic Four was botched cinematically. And it's sad that with such an impressive amount of failures, the most accurate representation of the Fantastic Four is this one.
(Clip of the infamous unreleased low-budget Fantastic Four film by Roger Corman is shown)
Thing: What kind of a thing have I turned into?! What have you done?! What have you done?!
NC (vo): Yeah, they get that bad.
(Nostalgia Critic returns in his regular getup to sit to start his review)
NC: So, while you focus on what's most important, perfecting your brooding pose...
(Malcolm and Tamara presume their poses as an annoyed Rob sits between them)
Rob: Get off me!
NC: ...I'll start the review. This is... (claps off the lights) Fantastic Four.
NC (vo): The film opens with the Fox logo flashing the letter F similar to how they flashed the letter X before the X-Men films.
NC: Honestly, if you wanna give us any assurance, you should flash this.
(Fox logo flashes "WE GOT DEADPOOL RIGHT!" followed by an "EVENTUALLY")
NC: (vo): We see a young Reed Richards getting distracted by his scientific ideas at school. Don't you know? American high schools where ideas go to die!
Mr. Kenny: Earth to Richards?
Kid: (makes static sound) Beam me up, Scotty!
NC: Star Trek jokes. Always wins over an entire class.
NC (vo): We then see his teacher Homer Simpson... No, really, that's his voice actor, Dan Castellaneta.
NC: (rolls tongue) Rrrrrandom.
NC (vo): ...is not happy with his future goals.
Young Reed (Owen Judge): I want to be the first person in human history to teleport himself. It's already possible to transport quantum information from one location to another.
Mr. Kenny: Even if you could build the thing-
Young Reed: I've already built it.
NC: (as Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory) I am also working on a fool-proof way to keep Dee-Dee out of my room!
Mr. Kenny: The assignment was to pick a real career in the real world.
Brian Heinz (vo): (doing his Homer Simpson impression) Why can't you be a nuclear safety engineer? Or an astronaut? Or mayor? Or a country singer manager? I can keep going. I've had over 188 jobs. You think your franchise is running on fumes? Phew!
NC (vo): But his friend Ben also seems to be having trouble when he goes home to a dysfunctional family.
Jimmy Grimm (Chet Hanks): Hey! It's clobberin' time.
(Jimmy hits Ben and he grabs him)
NC: Yay! That lighthearted phrase is from an abusive household!
(NC uncomfortably gives a thumbs up with an awkward blowhorn sound as the caption pops up: "The More You Know.")
NC (vo): But Reed says he can get him out of this movie...I mean, situation. He just needs a power converter for his flux capacitor...I mean, remake of Explorers...I mean, teleporter.
NC: Actually, flux capacitor would sound more reasonable at this point.
(Reed and Ben watch nervously, as Reed's prototype teleporter starts working)
Young Reed: Don't blow up. Don't blow up.
NC: Ah, what every producer said when this movie premiered.
(Reed's teleporter burns out, knocking out the power to house. Reed and Ben check to see if the toy car is gone, finding a pile of unknown matter)
NC (vo): Holy smokes, I made weed!
NC: We're gonna be The Fantastic 420!
NC (vo): Years go by and the two are ready to try their experiment again at the science fair.
(Reed and Ben are presenting the teleporter to Mr. Kenny)
Reed (Miles Teller): It modulates the frequency of matter from one location to another and then back again.
Brian Heinz (vo): (as Homer Simpson) Marge! The other kids are saying the word things again!
Reed: It's a teleporter.
Brian Heinz (vo): (as Homer Simpson) Yeah, whatever, nerd. When are you gonna stretch already?
Reed: You may wanna cover your ears.
(The teleporter emits a force field around a model airplane and the airplane disappears)
NC (vo): The experiment makes it teleport to another location they're not sure of...so, there's no proof it actually teleported, but it does result in a sonic boom so powerful, it destroyed the basketball hoop. So, hey, that's gotta count for something.
Mr. Kenny: You're disqualified.
NC: Wait, what?
Reed: Wait, what?
Mr. Kenny: This is a science fair, not a magic competition.
NC: So...magic destroyed the basketball hoop? Jesus! What does it take to impress you, Homer?!
(Clip from The Simpsons episode "Treehouse of Horror VIII" is shown, with Homer Simpson examining Professor Frink's teleporter)
Homer: It only transports matter? Hmm...
(Suddenly, Dr. Franklin Storm and his adopted daughter Susan appear at Reed and Ben's invention)
NC (vo): Well, thank God the director of a government-sponsored research institute working on interdimensional teleportation just happened to be there!
NC: No, really, someone must've been eating Lucky Charms' pubes to have that happen!
Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey): I think you've cracked interdimensional travel. We're from the Baxter Foundation. We'd like to give you a full scholarship.
NC: (as Dr. Storm) I was going to give a grant for that Paper Mache Volcano, but I guess this is a little better.
NC (vo): They take him to a school so high tech, they can't fully light their hallways, as Reed tries to get friendly with the director's daughter, Sue Storm.
Reed: So, you like music? Is that, like, your thing?
NC: Oddly enough, no. What, sounds that form a melody, is that still a thing?
Sue (Kate Mara): There's patterns in everything and everyone.
Reed: What's mine?
Sue: You wanna be famous.
Reed: Am I that predictable?
NC: Well, when you're in this movie, it's hard not to be.
(We then cut to a board meeting between Dr. Harvey Allen and Dr. Storm, with Harvey going through paperwork)
Dr. Allen (Tim Blake Nelson): Wait, what's this? Victor Von Doom is on here.
NC (vo): Yep, you heard that correctly. This dark, gritty, realistic version still has a guy named "Von Doom" in it.
NC: Because professor "Von Evil-Nasty" wasn't obvious enough!
(The Thing lands on the ground)
Reed: My God, Ben!
Ben: So this is where you've been hiding out.
NC: (as Reed) Hey, where's your thing? (laughs) I just thought of a good name for you- (Ben swings at Reed) Whoop!
(Ben misses Reed, hitting a tree)
NC (vo): Okay, finally, we’re gonna get some action- (Ben head butts Reed, knocking him out) Oh, that was short.
(Cut to plane in mid-air)
NC: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, out of the MAGNITUDE of variety we’ve had in this film so far, let me take a guess...A WILD goddamn guess what's coming up next!
(Ben and Reed sitting in a dark room on the plane, and big red subtitles that read "DARK ROOM TALKING" appear on screen)
NC: (offscreen) OH, MY GOOOD!!! (NC comes back to his chair) Why is this fantastic?! Why is this fantas- Your goddamn movie is called Fantastic Four, and you can’t even get one fantastic thing in it! WHY IS TALKING IN A GODDAMN DARK ROOM FANTASTIC?! W-Did you have an upbringing like the boy from Room?! (poster of 2015’s Room is shown briefley) Is this literally all you know?! Was the outside world only explained to you in pictures and stories? If so, could you tell one of those stories, because IT’S GODDAMN MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS HORSESHIT!
(The plane lands at Area 57, with Dr. Allen approaching Reed)
NC: AH! An outside scene! Take it away! (cut to Reed in a dark interrogation room with Sue) AHAHAH, THAT’S BETTER!!
Reed: Do you ever wonder what life would've been like if you hadn't come to the science fair that day?
NC: (as Reed) We could've been sitting in a dark room with table lamps. TABLE LAMPS!
(Cut to Franklin Storm talking with Johnny)
Dr. Franklin Storm: Reed’s back. We’re closer than we’ve ever been before.
Johnny: Closer to what?
NC: (as Dr. Storm) The end credits. We can finally star in real movies again!