May 12, 2015
(We do the usual introduction, then cut to the Nostalgia Critic at his desk)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. How was your weekend? Good? Ours involved a meteorite crashing into Earth.
(NC is out skipping with Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers when they see the meteorite crashing down)
NC (vo): When we went to inspect it, it emitted a radioactive beam of death, consuming every molecule of our bodies. (The three of them are surrounded by a flash of light) But soon, we discovered it gave us super abilities that we never had before, as weird science-y beams do. I could summon explosions at will.
(NC makes explosions appear in front of him)
NC (vo): Tamara developed superhuman strength. (Tamara jumps up, making the office sink down into the ground. We come to Malcolm about to touch a cup with an M on it) And Malcolm had the ability to turn anything into a videogame character. (When he touches the cup, it turns into Donkey Kong)
NC: With these new abilities, we gave ourselves new identities. The Pixelator (Malcolm), The Clobererer (Tamara), Sparky Sparky Boom Man (NC)! Together, we are the Adequately Impressive 3, and with our newfound abilities, we knew exactly what we were to do: Sit around and watch Daredevil on Netflix.
(We cut to the team eating snacks on the couch while watching TV)
Wilson Fisk: You embarrassed me in front of her!
(Sounds of hitting and screaming are heard. They're then confronted by Rob Walker)
Rob: Uh, don't you think you should do something with your abilities?
NC: We are. I'm testing my abilities right now. (He makes an explosion appear in front of him) Ooh, I can do that.
Rob: But don't you feel you have a responsibility to these powers?
Tamara: It's cool, babe. Malcolm's been whoring us out to the press.
(NC changes the channel to the news where Malcolm's on the news with Jim Jarosz, the GNN news headline reading "BREAKING NEWS: Adequate Heroes Still Adequate.")
Malcolm: Just a brief reminder, we're still amazing, even though we've done very little with our amazingness.
Jim: Malcolm, how do you respond to people saying that your powers are nothing but a cheap rip-off of the new Adam Sandler movie?
Malcolm: Well... (Malcolm pokes Jim, turning him into Mario who runs off screaming)
Rob: But don't you feel like you should be doing something important?
Tamara: Nah. If Fantastic Four has taught us anything, it's that we don't need to.
(Clips of the movie play as NC gives the opening summary)
NC (vo): What is it about the Fantastic Four that can't catch a break in terms of movies? I mean, granted, (Poster for Fantastic 4 2015) the new one hasn't come out yet, but...
NC: It's gonna suck.
Tamara: It really is.
NC: Pretty much.
NC (vo): All right, anything's possible, but if it's anything like this incarnation, you shouldn't be too hopeful. This film is poorly written, poorly executed, and worst of all, there's little to no superhero-ing in it. They mostly just sit around, be jackasses, and admire how cool their powers are.
NC: So I figured we'd do the same.
Rob: You know, just because a multi-million dollar film did it, doesn't mean you should do it.
NC: He's right. We shouldn't just sit here on our fat asses. We should just sit here on our fat asses and review it.
Rob: Oh, what the Christ?
NC: Malcolm, Fantastic Four now!
Malcolm: Uh, in a second. (He's busy watching Chun-Li from Street Fighter doing her Spinning Bird Kick)
NC: Hey, hey, hey! Little something for the lady?
(He then makes Zangief appear in front of Tamara)
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): The film starts us off with two scientists named Reed and Ben, played by Ioan Gruffudd and Michael Chiklis, who wish to get funding to study a cosmic storm that could change the way we look at DNA. Their one problem: They're asking a guy named Doom. Yeah, that's really his name. Victor Von Doom, which translates out to Victor of Doom. I mean, okay, a rose by any other name, but...that fucking name is Doom!
Victor Von Doom: Same old Reed, always stretching, reaching out for the stars.
NC (vo): But hey, don't let his label tip you off. Let the giant menacing statue, hiding in the shadows during meetings, and the fact that he stole your former girlfriend tip you off. Seriously, his name is Von Doom!
Doom: This isn't gonna be a problem, is it?
Reed Richards/Sue Storm: Oh, not at all.
NC (vo): Jessica Alba plays Susan Storm, the Director of Genetic Research--(laughing) Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't get through that one without laughing. I'm surprised I made it that far.
Reed: I'll sign over a fair percentage of any applications.
Doom: Number's 75. 25% of a billion is enough to get the lights on for awhile, isn't it?
NC (vo): (as Reed) Oh, excuse me. I was riding in my Bowser's Dungeon elevator courtesy of the not criminal genius who stole my girlfriend. His name is DOOM!
Reed: As far as crew, I was hoping Ben could pilot the mission.
NC (vo): So they all have to train to be astronauts. Better get started on those years and years or minutes and minutes of training.
Reed: A few minutes in space. What's the worst that could happen?
NC (vo): Did...did everyone forget that space is space?
Sue: Remember my brother Johnny?
NC (vo): But that's okay, as long as they have a determined pilot on their hand--Insert Beautiful Fucking Obviously Not Qualified Specimen #5, Johnny, played by Chris Evans.
Johnny Storm: You meet me at 4:01 on top of the mountain. This is yours, (steals a kiss from his current girlfriend) that's mine.
NC (vo): I'm sorry, how the fuck does choosing the crew for this work again?
(We cut to Malcolm and Tamara as scientists looking at pictures of astronauts)
Tamara: Too ugly.
Malcolm: Too average.
(Picture of Neil Armstrong)
Tamara: Too bald.
Malcolm: Too wrinkly.
(The next photo is Lisa Nowak's Mugshot)
Both: Too normal.
Tamara: Wait, what about these guys? These are the people we need to be getting into space.
Malcolm: But those are just glamour magazines. (The magazines in question being GQ, Cosmopolitan and Blue)
Tamara: They're perfect! Call them immediately!
Malcolm: All right.
Tamara: Except for this one. (she takes one of the magazines away) It's research.
(As he leaves, Tamara puts her glasses down as she looks at the magazine)
NC (vo): And by the way, yeah, it is strange that Chris Evans is playing a Marvel superhero when he's also playing one in Captain America. But honestly, (Clip from Thor: The Dark World as Loki turns into Captain America while Thor's already turned into Sif) I always assumed this was Loki in disguise.
NC: You have to admit, they act pretty similar.
Ben Grimm: Well, I don't know if I should be flying or doing Swan Lake in these suits. I mean, who the hell came up with these?
Sue: Victor did.
(As she comes in, her boobs are practically hanging out of the outfit)
NC (vo): Oh-ho-ho, I'm sure Victor did. I'm sure he told you it was for advanced breasticulation research.
Reed: Wow. Fantastic. Material made from self-regulating unstable molecules.
NC (vo): (as Sue) As a Director of Genetic Research, I'm very insulted you didn't notice my rack! (normal) So they go to their space station that...honest to God, is making Austin Powers look credible, as our own Dr. Evil and Seven of Fine are having a moment.
Doom: This is every man's dream, so...he needs a woman he can give the world to.
(Sue is looking over Earth from the station)
NC (vo): (as Sue) Wow, I'm only mildly amused by this.
Sue: Victor, I...
Doom: I have four words.
Reed: The cloud is accelerating. We got minutes, not hours! That storm is deadly. We need to abort.
Doom: Get a grip, Reed. We didn't come all this way to lose our nerve at the first glitch.
NC (vo): (as Doom) That is to say you didn't. I apparently came here to blow a billion dollar proposal on a woman who doesn't even find the universe interesting. Now if you'll excuse me, there's about to be a bucket filled with my tears waiting for me.
Computer: Threshold in T-minus nine minutes.
NC (vo): So, what they apparently had the technology to know years in advance was coming, suddenly can only tell them nine minutes ahead of time that it showed up early. But, hey, that billion dollar technology isn't anything compared to just looking to the fucking left!
Ben: I ain't done arranging your flowers yet, egghead.
Reed: Ben, turn around!
NC (vo): Oh, what, that giant flaming death going bwa-wa-wa-wa? Yeah, don't know how I missed that!
(Everyone on the station is hit with the cosmic storm)
NC (vo): (As Reed) This is our attempt at trying to make sense of our powers! We're not buying it either! (normal) They get back to Earth, at first only noticing the slightest of difference.
Johnny: Liking the grandpa look. (Referring to Reed having a shock of white hair on the temples)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, side effects may include slight white hair and terrifyingly human stretching.
NC: But hey, at least you now look 1/20 closer to how the original character's supposed to look. (Picture of the comic version of Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic, is shown)
Reed: How's she doing?
Doctor: Stable, and her vitals are strong.
NC (vo): (as Doctor) Unfortunately, we couldn't do anything about her acting. (normal) But they eventually learn that superpowers are starting to emerge, but only during situation fitting dialogue.
Sue: It's nice to be seen. (As she says that, she begins fading away)
Nurse: Oh, you're hot.
Johnny: (With a thermometer in his mouth) Why, thank you. So are you.
Sue: Look at me.
Reed: I can't.
Girl: You're on fire!
Johnny: (is on fire) Thanks! You're pretty good, too!
(He then flies into a snowbank while on fire)
NC (vo): And he was frozen in ice and thawed out years later.
NC: Come on, I'm trying to tie them together somehow. (Pictures of Chris Evans as Johnny Storm and Captain America are shown side by side)
NC (vo): Reed also discovers he can turn his hand...into Woody the Cowboy's hand. Boy, these effects did not age well. We discover also that Ben has gone through a really bad transformation. But it's all good, because they operate on Ninja Turtle logic, so a trenchcoat and a hat apparently covers it all up.
(Ben is now the Thing, his skin now rocky)
Thing: Deb, it's me, it's still me! It was the accident... Let me explain.
Deb: No, don't touch me!
(She then freaks out and runs away from him, almost getting hit by a cab)
Person: Hey, I'm calling the police!
NC (vo): (as Person) Yeah, I'm pressing charges on account of you being a pop rock!
Thing: "Oh, yeah, Ben. Few days in space. It'll be great. What's the worst that can happen?"
NC (vo): Okay, will you stop acting like space is a fucking road trip? It's goddamn space! But it looks like a man is about to commit suicide right next to him. What are the odds?
(Thing jumps down to where the guy fell. A trailer truck comes in and Thing blocks it with his body, caving in the truck, which then causes a pile-up of cars)
NC (vo): The Fantastic Four, bringing peace and harmony wherever they go. Yeah, and the (picture of) Man of Steel saved Metropolis. And in yet another coincidence, the rest of the team happens to be right on the bridge.
Sue: What do we do now?
Reed: We're not gonna get past these guys. But you could. (Sue then goes invisible except for her clothes) Sue, your clothes. Lose them.
NC (vo): (as Sue) Really? Because I think we can just tell them that we know the guy. (as Reed) No, you need to strip. (Sue) Couldn't you just stretch over them rather easily? (Reed) No, you need to strip. (Sue) They can clearly see what I'm doing, and I don't think that-- (Reed) Strip, woman, strip! (Pictures of Jessica Alba half-naked are shown) You're half-naked in everything else you do! Just fucking strip! (Sue) Oh, God, I thought we were Marvel and not DC! (Just as Sue gets to her bra and panties, she becomes visible) (normal) But whoops, I guess her powers stopped when it got to her underwear. Oh, man, I haven't seen a more appropriate usage of underwear since (picture of) Star Trek: Into Darkness.
NC: No, really, the movie would fall apart without it.
(One of the tanks in the pile-up explodes which not only flings several cars over Thing's head, but then makes a firetruck on the way to the accident swerve into the side of the bridge, making it dangle)
NC (vo): Jesus Christ! This is the most accident prone bridge I've ever seen! What doesn't cause an emergency on this thing? (Reed stretches his arms out to rescue one of the firefighters who nearly fell into the river) But the four of them, of course, manage to save them.
(Several cops have their guns drawn at Thing)
Cop: Get down on the ground.
Woman: Don't shoot! He's a hero!
Cop: Get down on the ground now!
(The crowd cheering for Thing makes the cops back down)
NC (vo): (As cop) Well, the crowd seems to like him, so what the hey? Your popularity equals no arrest today. (Normal) But Ben's fiancee doesn't seem to agree.
(Thing notices Deb in the crowd, who then takes her engagement ring off and leaves it on the ground)
NC (vo): (as Deb) I don't care if you saved a dozen people. You look like a decaying Oompa Loompa, and in my book, that's bad!
Fire Chief: That's what they're calling you. The Fantastic Four.
(The team's now interviewed by the press)
Johnny: Can you believe this?
Fire Chief: Which one of you's the leader?
NC: What the... Who would ask that?
Fire Chief: Which one of you's the leader?
NC (vo): (as Fire Chief) I'm just assuming that all good Samaritans have leaders. Oh, I'm also gonna need a copy of your theme song.
Sue: We do not know much more than you do at this point.
Johnny: A new day is dawning. The day of the Fantastic Four!
NC (vo): So at the height of their popularity and the whole world calling them heroes, what do the backers of Victor's incredibly popular experiment do? Pull out, of course.
Doom: I was planning to use the publicity...
Board member: The board's in agreement. The bank's lost enough already. This isn't a negotiation, it's a notification. We're pulling out. It's too late, Victor.
Doom: Do you know how much money I've invested in this company?
NC: Do you know how much I rip this scene off (Clip of Norman Osborn in Spider-Man 1) the first Spider-Man?
NC (vo): So they seclude themselves in the building to discover more about their powers.
Willie Lumpkin (Stan Lee): Welcome back to the Baxter Building, Dr. Richards. I got the usual for you. Good to have you back, sir.
NC (vo): (as Stan Lee) Heh-heh. I'm so the Watcher.
(Johnny is in an experiment chamber testing out his flaming powers)
NC (vo): So they spend the majority of their time figuring out how to control their new abilities.
Sue: Any hotter and you're approaching supernova.
Reed: Not only could you kill yourself, but you could set fire to Earth's atmosphere and destroy all human life as we know it.
NC (vo; mimics Peter Venkman): Important safety tip. Thank you, Egon.
Reed: Should be able to bend light around other objects, even people. If you can control your emotional state better.
NC (vo): Wow, a person whose powers is tied to their emotion? (sarcastic) I have never friggin' seen that. (Pictures of Carrie, Goku of Dragonball Z turning Super Saiyan, The Incredible Hulk, Tetsuo from AKIRA, and Matilda are shown)
Reed: I mean, you broke up with me, right?
Sue: I was ready for the next step. You weren't.
Reed: I think it was a little more complicated than that.
Sue: I just wanted to share an apartment. What was so complicated about that?
NC: Ahem! We're men. We just don't do the commitment thing, remember? I mean, Jesus. If Jessica Alba came up to me and said she wanted to share an apartment, I'd, of course, say no. Commitment, grr! We hate that shit! Ooh, punch, testosterone, balls, grr! Seriously, you're a stupid fucking movie, movie.
(And we go to commercial)
NC (vo): But Victor finds out he's starting to get some side effects as well.
Leonard: I can't pretend to know what we're dealing with here.
Doom: We need to keep this confidential.
Leonard: Victor, this disease is progressive, degenerative. I have to notify someone.
(Doom then grabs Leonard's throat, not noticing before he was getting rather anxious)
NC: Okay, word of advice, if you're talking to a guy and he starts to go like this... (NC tosses his head back and forth, growling as well) He's probably gonna attack you. Or take a piss. Probably both.
(Doom throws Leonard into the X-ray lights)
NC (vo): But they find out celebrity is really tough to get used to. Actually, no, they don't. They just wanted another reason for Alba to strip naked.
Sue: (Turning invisible while taking her clothes off) I can't believe I'm doing this again!
NC: (as Sue) Ugh, I really thought getting my skirt caught in (clip of) Better Luck Chuck* would be the end of these scenes.
- He means Good Luck Chuck.
Thing: How you gonna cure us?
Reed: I'm gonna build a machine to recreate the storm.
NC (vo): Wha-bu-ju...wait a minute!
NC: You can just recreate the storm with a machine? Why the fuck did you spend...
NC (vo): ...billions of dollars to go into space, then!? Was it like eggs vs. eggbeaters? The universe's version was just a little more tasty?
(Reed walks in on Sue coming out of the shower, who then covers up while using her invisibility)
Sue: You can knock!
(As Reed closes the door, NC realizes something)
NC: Should we just put a counter? (An Alba Strip Count appears at the corner with 3 already counted) Yeah, apparently the film needs it.
NC (vo): So, again, something you might've noticed is really missing in this movie is that there doesn't seem to be that much crimefighting going on. Okay, don't get me wrong, it's okay to understand your powers, but in most films, it's like a few minutes tops. We're an hour in and all they've done is save a bridge of people that really was caused by them to begin with! I'm not seeing what's so especially fantastic about them!
(Johnny has just made Thing smack himself in the face with a handful of shaving cream)
NC (vo): Okay, it looks like Johnny's leaving. Well, good. Stop a robbery, punch out a crime boss or something.
(Johnny's now in a stunt suit about to take a bike off a jump)
MC: Mr. Johnny Storm!
NC (vo): Or ride a motorcycle and whore yourself out some more.
NC: It's what...Superman would do.
Sue: He didn't.
Thing: Oh, yes, he did!
Reporter: So what are your superhero names?
Johnny: They call me the Human Torch.
Reporter: What about the rest of the team?
Johnny: (at a picture of Sue) That's the Invisible Girl?
NC (vo): (As Sue) Uh, I'm 15.
Thing: Now I'm gonna go kill him.
NC (vo): Relatively pissed off, they go to confront Johnny about what he's been doing.
(Thing notices Johnny's car, with the license plate TORCH'D)
NC (vo): (as Thing) Time to go Street Fighter bonus level.
(One cut later and the car has been crushed up into a giant ball. Only thing that survived was the car alarm. While Johnny's looking at the wreckage of his car, Thing throws the license plate at his head)
NC (vo): Yeah, that would cut his head off.
Thing: Bring it, burnout!
Sue: You need a timeout!
(While she's keeping the two of them away, her aura powers keep Thing away)
Johnny: I'm not the blockhead. He started it.
Sue: I don't care! Damn it, Johnny!
(NC leans in towards the camera)
NC (vo): Ben ends up going to a bar where a blind woman hears his woes and takes pity on him.
Thing: If there's a God, he hates me.
Alicia Masters: She is not so into hate.
NC (vo): Look, lady, you can call God a turnip for all I care so long as you convince someone to start crimefighting! But Victor vows to destroy Reed, I guess, because he's more successful, and tries to turn the team on each other.
Thing: What are you doing here?
Doom: I was worried about you.
NC (vo): You know, for a guy who doesn't want to be seen in public, he sure is seen in public a lot.
Thing: Reed's gonna fix me up, okay?
Doom: I think he might be spending more time with Sue.
NC (vo): (as Thing) What? How dare that asshole have a personal life? I'm gonna show him by refusing his cure! (normal) No, really, that's what happens.
Thing: I spent my whole life protecting you! And for what? So you can play Twister with your girlfriend while I'm the Freak of the Week?
(He pushes Reed into a cart, knocking him down)
NC (vo): (as Thing) That'll show my only hope for salvation.
NC: (as Thing) I sure showed me! (punching himself) Pow, pow, pow, pow!
(Reed uses his elastic powers to restrain Thing)
NC (vo): (as Thing) This shouldn't be turning me on, but it kind of is.
Thing: You two are on your own.
Johnny: Hey, look what the marketing guys did.
(He holds out a toy of Thing)
Thing toy: It's clobberin' time!
NC: Hey-hey! That'll go great with all the Black Widow merchandise.
NC (vo): Ben leaves the three of them behind to see if Von Doom can help him out any better. *sigh* His name is VON DOOM!
Doom: Do you want to be Ben Grimm again?
NC (vo): (as Doom) Just do it before I even remember I run a business anymore.
(Thing goes through the machine which simulates the storm, allowing him to turn back to human form)
NC (vo): Ben returns to normal, but Victor feeds off the energy he emits to make him even stronger. He decides to give himself a chilling identity. One that involves a creepy ass mask given to him for humanitarian purposes... (Doom now reaches into the case which has his iconic mask) ...yeah, I remember when Mother Theresa got awarded a chain mace from India...and decides to go after Reed. How? By freezing him, apparently.
Doom: That's not like you, Reed. After all, we're both...doctors. (As he says that, he turns to the camera wearing the mask, now fully making himself Dr. Doom)
NC: (laughing) Okay, stop, stop, stop! I'll just give you a heads up, guys. Honestly...
NC (vo): I'm taking (picture of) the [Roger] Corman version more seriously than this. I mean, come on, what did you do? Did you raid George Sanders' (picture of the Batman TV version of Mr. Freeze) makeup kit from the 60s Batman? You're two seconds away from the (picture of a more familiar Mr. Freeze) Austrian ice puns.
(Dr. Doom pulls out a rocket launcher, using a scope to check out the Baxter Building)
Dr. Doom: Let's check on the rest of the family.
NC (vo): (as Dr. Doom) Let's do it before I figure out why the hell I suddenly hate you all right now.
Johnny: Flame on!
(That turns him into his Human Torch form as he flies through the city, making the missile follow him)
NC (vo): Johnny distracts the missile away while Susan goes to save Reed.
Dr. Doom: Fire! (He shoots out electric bolts at Sue, flinging her against the wall. Even when she goes invisible, he still finds and throws her to the ground)
NC (vo): (as Dr. Doom) You know, you really should be renamed the Mildly Interfering 4. (normal) Ben sees the trouble going on and changes himself back and very unrealistically gets over there like the speed of fucking light!
Thing: It's clobberin' time!
(Thing punches Dr. Doom across the room)
NC (vo): (as Thing) That's what my toy says!
Thing: Damn, I've been waiting to do that.
NC: You and a buttnumbingly bored audience, buddy.
NC (vo): So we finally get some real fighting with powers, rays, electricity, guys getting hit by buses, only to walk out the door. Why is this a thing in bad movies?
(Reed wraps his entire body around Dr. Doom)
Reed: Johnny, supernova!
Johnny: I thought we agreed that was bad!
NC (vo): (as Reed) Risking the lives of all humanity is all worth it just to save our selfish asses! (normal) But it's contained in Susan's forcefield and they end up turning him into a real life statue, resulting in the city throwing them a big boat party. Yes, thank you for saving yourselves as he was just basically going after you the entire time. Seriously, what was his plan again?
Reed: Sue Storm, will you marry me?
Sue: (having gone invisible) Yes! Yes! (Reed goes to kiss her while she's invisible) That's my nose, genius. (She goes back to visible) These are my lips. (The two of them kiss)
NC (vo): (as Sue) Well, mostly. I've had them done like ten times.
(Johnny then puts out a flaming 4 in the sky over the city)
NC: So I think you can see why as "superheroes," we were so inspired by this movie.
(Footage of the movie plays as NC speaks)
NC (vo): All you gotta do is look hot in tight outfits, say a lot of exposition about yourself without actually exposing any character, and only save people if you yourself cause the trouble. The rest of the time, just look out for yourself and flaunt what little you do. Sheesh, I can't imagine at all why anybody wouldn't enjoy this fantastic superhero film. It just freaking inspires so much.
Rob: My God, guys! Cthulhu has risen and he's taking over the world!
(The group looks over to Cthulhu in a suit while he stands over the ruins of the city)
Cthulhu: Mwahahaha! You weak pathetic fools, I've come for your souls!
Tamara: Meh. I think he'd be a good ruler.
Malcolm: Yeah, everyone loves Cthulhu.
Rob: But when he's done with the world, he'll come for you.
NC: This looks like a job for the Adequately Impressive 3! (The three of them head out to do battle with the Horror of Horrors...only to come back one blip later) We-he-ell. That was easy.
Tamara: Yeah, Malcolm turned him into (Deng) Xiaoping's head from Hong Kong '97. (Said head bounces into the room)
Malcolm: Yeah, I stuck with the classics.
Rob: That's it, I'm gonna expose myself to that meteorite and use my powers to benefit humanity! Out of the way!
(Rob leaves the room and heads outside to where the meteorite is. Tamara meanwhile reaches into NC's shirt, pulling out a Dorito)
Rob: All right, you giant sack of space rock! Come to me!
(He then gets zapped by the meteorite. We now cut to a clip of Honk Kong '97 being played by Rob)
NC: Wow! You just became really good at Hong Kong '97!
Rob: How come you guys get all the cool stuff?
All three: Because we love you!
(Audience laughter is heard as the word HIJINKS appears, ending like a sitcom before we go to credits)
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Thing toy: It's clobberin' time!