(After the opening for Anime Abandon, we come to Bennett the Sage in his room)
Sage: An anime based off a video game. Because those always work, right?
Sage (vo): And not just any kind of video game. but a fighting video game. Need I remind you how those usually wind up?
(Clip of Tekken - The Motion Picture)
Lee Chaolan: Aaaahhh!! I'll never give it up! Not to anyone! Uggghhh!
Sage: Oohhh man, this is gonna be sweet!
Sage (vo): I'm operating under the assumption that most of you have heard about Fatal Fury, but for those of you who haven't, Fatal Fury was a precursor to King of Fighters. It introduced SNK's most iconic characters. And a metric butt ton of Terry Bogard sound clips and Mai Shiranui porn, which both account for 5% of the internet's total content, barely edging out those smarmy e-cards.
Sage: It's a shame those never seem to tell the truth.
(One card says "I'm a dick. ...please love me...")
Sage (vo): No, Fatal Fury's popularity demanded that several anime adaptations be made with Masari Obami tapped for director and character design. If you're unfamiliar with Mr. Obari's work in aesthetic, allow me to show you a montage of breasts for the next minute.
(First is a pic of Mai in her usual outfit)
(Next one I don't know. Anyone want to ID her?)
(Another girl I don't know)
(Sofia from the Battle Arena Toshinden series)
(And finally a picture from Angel Blade, the only censoring being nipple pasties)
Narrator: Tig ol' Bitties.
Sage: Masami Obari accentuates the female form like Rob Liefeld accentuates teeth. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's dive in.
Sage (vo): Actually before we get too involved, it's probably for the best that I clear up some things. First, this film is the second sequel to a television special called Fatal Fury: Legend of the Hungry Wolf, the first sequel being Fatal Fury 2: The New Battle. Now if you didn't know better, wouldn't you think that Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture would be the first of these three films? Didn't anybody learn from the Final Fantasy debacle? Secondly, I don't have the first two specials, so if I miss something, I apologize for my ignorance.
Sage: But, chances are I won't be missing too many crucial details
Laocorn Gaudeamus: The Armor of Mars will be mine. And when I possess it all, I will become a god! Hahahahahahahahaha!
(The next shot is of Terry Bogard boarding a plane)
Terry: Feel the storm? It's coming.
(Lightning strikes as the opening title is shown)
Sage: Nope! None at all.
Sage (vo): Alright, I kid. Fatal Fury actually has a pretty ingenious beginning in that the entire plot and story is set up in less than five minutes flat. We know who our bad guys are, we know what they're after, and we know who's gonna stop them.
Sage: It's like I don't even have to watch the movie. (of course, he's got a review show to do) Goddamn it. (He picks the remote up and presses play)
Sage (vo): We open with Joe Higashi having a bout with Hwa Jai. And if you know who Hwa Jai is, then congratulations. You are the 1% of the 1% of the 1% of the 1% this movie was made for. Watching from the stands is Andy Bogard and Miss Mammaries herself, Mai Shiranui. Also, Mai wearing a shirt that says MILK right where her tits are, subtlety that'd make Hitchcock weep.
(Joe is on the defense, blocking against Hwa Jai's attacks)
Mai: Come on! Hit him back, stupid! You don't think it's cause of his injuries, do you?
Andy: Nah, he's just warming up.
Sage: Joe's ribs are broken and his lungs have probably collapsed, but don't worry, he's got this one.
(Joe soon takes Hwa Jai out with a knee to the face)
Sage (vo): Apparently Andy wasn't blowing smoke out of his ass as Joe finds an opening and lays Hwa out flat. And despite Joe being a main supporting character, this is the only time he actually does something.
Sage: Trust me, you'll see what I mean later.
Sage (vo): Meanwhile our hero Terry, who's supposed to be meeting with Andy, Joe and Mai at the reception after the fight, decides instead to duck into a Neo-Geo Arcade Hall for some product placement. Because what better way to advertise your games than in a movie that only people who have already bought your games would wanna see in the first place?
Sage: What? It worked for (clip of the movie) House of the Dead.
Sage (vo): Of course, we have to start the plot some time as a girl runs into Terry, being chased by skull ninjas.
Terry: I'm sorry to butt in, but three big guys against one little girl? Just isn't fair, you know?
Sage (vo): Okay, this is a small point, but I always hate it when anime cuts corners during fight scenes by reducing detail in the vain attempt to make the fights look more fluid. It's just so jarring to see established character designs shift to what looks like kindergarten chicken scratch. See what happens when I slow down the fight? (the fight between Terry and the ninjas is slowed down, the characters looking off model) You see how awful this looks? I know it's supposed to look better sped up, but no amount of speed is gonna cover up lazy artwork.
Sage: Huh. Maybe I used my Rob Liefeld joke too soon.
Sage (vo): In any case, Terry chases off the skull ninjas, but the girl has also run off *sigh* to the dinner party that Terry was going to anyways. Because she's looking for Terry. Okay I get that mayve she heard Terry was supposed to be at this party, that I can let slide, but how the fuck did she get into this private party? It's also here that we see one of the other main characters from the game series, Kim (Kaphwan), have a fight scene with a big skull ninja that nearly kills him. And then he never appears again for the rest of the movie. This is probably the most maddening part of Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture for fans. They keep using characters from the games for these pointless cameos and fight scenes that have no impact on the plot, such as it is.
Sage: You know what that means. Counting gag!
(Pointless Cameo 1: Hwa Jai. Pointless Cameo 2: Big Bear. Pointless Cameo 3: Kim)
(The big skull ninja is knocked the hell out)
Joe: Terry! Get over here!
(The ninja's face is bloodied and teeth are missing)
Terry: Hey that's...
Terry: Cheng Sinzan.
(Pointless Cameo 4: Cheng Sinzan)
Sage: Place your bets, folks. How high will that counter go?
Sage (vo): The girl finally introduces herself as Sulia after the pointless Kim and Cheng fight scene, who explains that she's looking for Terry to help stop her brother from gathering the pieces of armor that we saw in the beginning.
Terry: Well why not? Sure, I'll go.
Andy: I'll go with you?
Andy: I'd like to see with my own two eyes just what made Cheng so powerful.
Mai: Hey! Don't forget about us.
Joe: What the hell, I got nothing better to do. Alright, let's go to Club Med, shall we?
Sage: Oh goddamn. (facepalming) Why couldn't Joe be a pointless cameo?
Sage (vo): So we get an exposition dump as Sulia explains that her brother is after the armor that once belonged to their ancestor, and it's said to imbue the wearer with the power of a god. At least that's what I can glean from her near breathless explanation while I'm trying to sneak a peak at (arrow pointing to) Mai in her rope bikini. But don't feel left out, ladies, cause (arrow pointing to) Joe's in a speedo for some reason. Oh, and Sulia can heal wounds. too.
Sulia: This is the map that my ancestors put together showing where all the pieces are hidden. Except for one piece, the encased armor was carried off to their homelands by five of the generals.
Sage: And here we come upon a perfect chance to introduce a new segment here on Anime Abandon. Spot...The...Engrish!
(The Price Is Right theme comes on as SPOT THE ENGRISH comes onto the screen)
Sage: I'll be showing you a frame of the film, and you'll have ten seconds to spot the Engrish. Now don't pause the video unless you wanna be a dick. Ready? Go!
(The map is shown as the Final Jeopardy theme comes on. The obvious looking answer would be Saudy Arabia. Eventually, TIME'S UP appears with a buzzer)
Sage: Time's up. Did you spot the Engrish?
(The map is shown again)
Sage (vo): Point to the place where you spotted the Engrish. (The arrow points at Saudy Arabia) If your finger is pointing here...(Lex Luthor from Superman Returns shouts WRONG!) Saudi Arabia spelled with a Y is not Engrish. That's just stupid. However, if your finger was pointing here, (the arrow moves over to Italy, now spelled Itary) then you're correct. Italy spelled with an R is classic Engrish.
Sage: (patting himself on the shoulder) Pat yourselves on the back if you got it right. and better luck next time for those of you that didn't on our next installment of Spot..The...Engrish!
(And the Spot The Engrish segment comes to a close)
Sage (vo): Apparently there are three pieces of the armor that Sulia's brother, Laocorn, hasn't claimed yet, and the team separates to look for two of them. But it seems that Laocorn is in on the plan.
Panni: Hauer (a white-haired prettyboy), Jamin (a larger man meditating), we'll split into two groups and follow Sulia's people. When you see your chance, capture that armor.
Hauer: So we face another bunch of unworthy opponents.
Panni: Don't be so quick to judge. Terry Bogard did defeat (Wolfgang) Krauser, if you recall.
Hauer: Hmph. Even Achilles had his heel. (Holding up a gold mask) Krauser had no spirit.
(Sage is taken back by what he's seeing and hearing)
Sage: Oh my god.
Hauer: As I recall, Jamin doesn't care much for my style. Fight fair and square. Don't kick them when they're down. Hmph, that's your way, isn't it? (he puts his mask on) Well I'm different. I use any possible.
Sage: (using an effeminate voice) Mm, yes. Rabbit punching, horse collar suplexes, reach arounds. Anything, mm!
Sage (vo): Would you get a load of this guy? Fucking John Waters would tell this guy to turn down the camp. I haven't seen a more effeminate bad guy since Kuja. Painted nails, lipstick, feather headdress, exposed midriff--
(Suddenly Sage starts coughing. He's shown coughing into a tissue. He pulls it back and his eyes go wide before showing not only is there blood on it, but it's purple and sparkly!)
Sage (vo): Okay okay, gotta think hetero, gotta think hetero! Oh, uh, why does Laocorn's female lackey dress like a slutty clown? I mean, really, look at what she's wearing. The exposed navel and epic boob window I get, but what's with this half thong she's got going on? (One leg being bare, the other one not) I mean yeah, there's butt shots aplenty of Half Moon Bay, but it makes the costume look unfinished. It's like she stole Daredevil's costume halfway before it was finished and (sudden realization) I've been making catty comments about a woman's wardrobe! AAAHHHH!
(We cut to a techical difficulties sign which has Sage in a dress and make-up as Big Gay Al sings "I'm Super.")
Technical Difficulties. Attack of the homos.
(And we go to commercial break)
(Back to the movie)
Sage (vo): So for about 20 minutes nothing is accomplished as the two separate groups just kind of putz around the Mediterranean looking for the armor pieces that never seem to be in the place they think they are. During all of this, we're supposed to care for this budding romance between Terry and Sulia, but Sulia is such a wimpering, wilting flower that this already stale romance is now officially unbearable.
Sulia: What I said...before...I want you to know how sorry I am. Oh Terry, I wasn't thinking about your feelings. I just wanted...to find out a bit more about you.
Terry: Huh? (Sulia's outside his hotel room about to cry. Terry takes her in his arms) Ask me all the questions you want.
Sulia: Terry, I... Thank you.
Sage: Ugh, fucking hell. I thought this movie was called Fatal Fury, not Whiny Woman Needs Boyfriend.
Sage (vo): We finally return to things fatal and furious as Laocorn and one of his lackeys (Jamin) cut Terry and Sulia off in Germany still looking for that armor. But the two manage to escape. (Sulia's carrying a beaten and bloody Terry on her shoulders) Terry's wounds look serious, so it's up to Sulia to perform some serious sexual healing.
(Sulia's stripped down to her bra and panties while Terry just has his shirt off, laying ont he ground. Sulia lies on top of Terry, using her healing magic while George Michaels' "Careless Whisper" plays in the background. Cut back to Sage grooving to the music)
Sage: I could use this song a thousand times and I'll never get tired of it.
Sage (vo): Meanwhile, Andy and Mai go to a nightclub to meet up with Jubei Yamada. Now because he does wind up giving important information to Andy, his presence isn't really pointless. But don't worry, there are plenty of pointless cameos to go around.
(Pointless Cameo 5: Duck King)
Richard Meyer: Andy, is that you, Bogard?
Andy: Hey, Richard Meyer. Long time no see.
(Pointless Cameo 6: Richard Meyer)
(In the DJ booth, a bouquet of flowers is thrown in)
Duck King: Huh? (Turns out it was Billy Kane who threw them) Long time no see, Billy.
Billy Kane: Hey, nice place you got here, Ducky.
DK: Thanks, man. Why don't you go down and enjoy it?
Billy: Yeah, I think I will.
(Pointless Cameo 7: Billy Kane)
Sage: Wait, that's Billy Kane? Billy Kane is British, not Australian. Is this the best that Paul Dobson can do? I mean it's not a good Australian accent.
Billy: Well well well, Andy Bogard. It's been awhile.
Andy: Billy Kane! You're alive!
Billy: There's life in the old boy yet.
(A goon tosses Billy his trademark staff)
Richard: That's enough.
Sage: (with an Australian accent) Wot Andy, what I'm gonna do is stonk you good with this here watson badil you banana bender. I'll have you spitting pony wats up the yamboo. You won't know Christmas from bollocks street, you wacka. (a beat) Dingos and didgeridos.*
- (I may not have understood a good part of Sage going Australian)
Sage (vo): But the would-be fight is broken up when Sparkles (Hauer) pimps in for...whatever reason and he attempts to use his womanly charm on Mai. Oh yeah, and before anyone says anything in the comments, Paul Dobson voiced this guy as well as (picture of) Zarbon in the original Dragonball Z dub. Insert your own "Zarbon is gay" joke here.
Mai: Who are you, sneaking up on me like that? And what's with the mask, huh? Or are you too scared to let a girl see your face?
Hauer: Your wish is my command, fair one. (He takes his mask off for Mai) How's this?
Mai: (awestruck by his beauty) Ahh, what a babe! But you're not as cute as Andy.
(She jumps over to Andy, Jubei, Duck King and Richard)
Sage: Thank you! Finally a woman who doesn't like men who wear more make-up than her.
Sage (vo): So the entire point of Sparkles going to this was to attempt to get Mai to join his side, and after this immediately fails he just poofs away? Well that was a mighty fine waste of time. Oh, and we also squeeze in another pointless cameo before we move on.
(Pointless Cameo 8: Geese Howard)
Sage (vo): We cut to Andy and Mai retrieving one of the armor pieces in China when, again, Sparkles comes in and forces Andy to give it up under threat of harm to Mai, after he subdued her in a very nip-slip happy fight. Wait a minute, where the fuck is Joe in all of this? Where the fuck did he go? I thought he was with them. Oh what the fuck he's in Germany now? Why? To help out Terry and Sulia? Well too late, asshole, Slutclown's (Panni) already swiped the piece from Laurence Blood in an extended pointless cameo.
(Pointless Cameo 9: Laurence Blood)
Sage: Are you beginning to realize why Joe was so useless in this movie? All he does is bamf around from scene to scene not doing jack shit except pissing me off.
Terry: I-I'm sorry, Sulia. I've let a piece get away.
Sulia: No, Terry. I'm the one that should be apologizing, not you. You would never have been hurt if it wasn't for me.
Sage: Oh for fucksake, Jello has thicker skin than her!
Sage (vo): All that's missing for Laocorn is the helmet, but no one seems to know where it is. Laocorn and our heroes figure that the secret lies in Sulia's necklace. (Laocorn is shown with the armor he has now) Oh and before I forget, that is the most godawful breastplate I've ever seen. Female armor in (picture of) Boris Valejo paintings cover more skin than this.
Sage: Gold pasties does not a breastplate make.
Terry: In Sulia's pendant, to be precise. Because the descendants of Gaudeamus who built these ruins no doubt wanted to hide their secret from anyone outside the family. It's gotta be the pendant because we have no other clues.
Joe: That's easy to say, but we've already gone over this place with a fine-toothed comb. (he slams his fist on a tile in the wall which gets pressed in, soon revealing a hidden mural)
Sage (vo): That's it? That's Joe's entire contribution to the plot? He accidentally trips a switch leads the way to find the helmet? Anyone could've done this. Why the fuck is he here?
(Back to earlier in the movie)
Joe: What the hell, I got nothing better to do. Alright, Let's go to Club Med, shall we?
Sage: Oh, that's why. Because he's got nothing better to do. (he tries to keep from screaming, but still says it through his teeth) Fuck youuu!
Sage (vo): The gang find out that the helmet is in the Dead Sea, but Laocorn's lackeys make off with Sulia, leaving Slutclown and Sparkles to duke it out with Mai and Andy. (Mai drives her elbow deep into Panni's chest, hitting her in the heart) Luckily our heroes fare better this time around with Mai delivering the mother of all boobknocks to Slutclown.
(A rather beaten up Hauer attacks from behind)
(Andy turns around and gives Hauer a hard slap that kills him)
Sage: Oohhhh, feist, bitch! Andy must be part Native American cause that was Chief Slap-A-Ho! We gotta see that again!
(A slow mo replay of the epic bitchslap is played with the caption SUPER SLO-MO!)
Sage: Damn! No amount of Maybeline gonna cover up that, Sparkles!
Sage (vo): With the gang reunited, they make off for the Dead Sea where Laocorn has some baddies waiting for them. Terry makes a break for it after the other three offer to hold the line, but he runs into Laocorn's last lackey.
(Jamin is firing at him with energy bolts, but is soon overpowered by Terry and slammed into a wall)
Terry: Why? Why did you give up?
Jamin: With that much power out there, we were both going to die. If...if one of us is going to live, it should be the one who can save Laocorn.
Sage: (imitating a dying Jamin) Yes, it should be you to save Laocorn, for I cannot. Actually, you probably could. You know what, this was a dumb plan. Bleh.
Sage (vo): Wow, so this is how this guy goes out? Would have had more impact if the guy had more than fifteen lines this entire time. Or if he had a distinct personality. Or if his sacrifice made any goddamn sense. Terry races just in time to hear Laocorn do the typical bad guy soliloquy.
Laocorn: And who will take revenge against a god, my sister?
(Laocorn makes a rather weird grunt as he turns to face Terry)
Sage: Apparently Andy* just ran into Laocorn trying to pass a kidney stone. Who the fuck wheezes like that?
- Think he meant Terry
Sage (vo): It's too late though as Laocorn dons the crown and somehow transforms into a somehow even more fruitier costume than before. Even with the combined might of everyone, it doesn't seem like they're able to do any damage. But that's when Sulia busts out the emo within and stabs herself, damaging Laocorn as well. It's this really stupid plot point where Sulia states that she has this sort of spiritual connection with her brother, and that since he donned the armor, the connection is stronger and that somehow translates into this voodoo doll kind of weakness and it's all pretty much melodramatic bullshit. Oh yeah, there was also this plot point about how Terry always felt responsible for his previous girlfiend's death and now this goes double for Sulia and it's all just tedious, really.
Sulia: And Joe, thank you for everything. We had an adventure, didn't we?
Sage: (now imitating a dying Sulia) Yes, thank you Joe for...uh...taking up space?
Terry: I know I love you too, Sulia. But why do you have to die!?
(Clip of Devil May Cry with Dante holding Trish's body in his arms)
Dante: I should've been the one to fill your dark soul with light!
Sage (vo): And yet somehow, this is not the end. What's left of the armor comes alive and somehow resurrects the god and it starts rampaging. And Terry starts to glow blue and I don't even know what the fuck is going on here. No, seriously, it's never let on what's happening here. Terry just glows blue and...(a single tear of blood runs down his cheek) Aw shit, did Terry just cry a single tear of blood? Fuck this right in the ear!
Sage: You know the phrase "jumping the shark"? Well if you didn't before, you sure do now.
Sage (vo): And to the surprise of absolutely no one, Terry manages to use this unexplained power to defeat the god once and for all. And we end the film like a 90's TGIF sitcom.
(The group looks at the temple before turning to walk away. Terry gives one more look before tossing his hat into the air and walking off. Meanwhile a rather cheesy song is played)
Sage: Oh my god, the cheese! It's like I'm swimming in a vat of Velveeta!
Sage (vo): Oh, Fatal Fury is stupid, yes, and it can be downright silly at times, but what really defines this movie is just how uneven and boring it is. The film is trying to balance way too many characters to try and please the fans, and the few characters they do focus on really don't have much to do. It's not entertainingly good or entertainingly bad. It's just boring with occasional bits of silly.
Sage: (Holding the movie in his hand) Though Fatal Fury is far from a good movie, it's far from being Obari's worst piece of work. There is still much, much worse. (Now he takes out Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer) Till next time.
(And we go to credits)
(Now for a bit of outtake)
Sage: Mm, rabbit punching, horse collar suplexes, reach arounds, anything, mm. (he then starts acting catty for the camera) Went to Nigel Thornberry there for a moment. Yeah, maybe for an insider joke. (waving his hands around) I'll do this with my hands. No, not mermaids. They're dugongs.