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Feel This Moment

FeelThisMoment

Date Aired
May 23, 2013
Running Time
15:50
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Todd sets up the camera and sits down

Todd: Microphone's on...okay. I don't even have a song yet. What do we have to pick from? Are the...are the charts still boring?

Clips of Pink ft. Nate Ruess - "Just Give Me a Reason"
Pink and Nate: Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough

Todd (VO): Uh-huh.

...Selena Gomez - "Come and Get It "
Selena: When you're ready, come and get it

Todd (VO): Uh-huh.

Todd: That's a yes. God, whatever, just...just give me the worst song out right now. Just...very worst, absolute worst thing in the Top 10, let's just make this easy. [Windows 95 fanfare plays over picture of...Pitbull] You again?! You've gotta be...whatever, just...let's get this done. Four goddamn years without a vacation.

Todd plays "Feel This Moment" on the piano

PITBULL ft. CHRISTINA AGUILERA - FEEL THIS MOMENT
A pop song review

After playing, Todd can only groan

Video for "Feel This Moment"
Pitbull: ...county always, 305 all day

Todd (VO): Yep, that Pitbull's still around, he's...still stupid. Okay, let me see if I can recap my feelings about Armando Perez, aka Pitbull, aka Mr. 305, aka Mr. Worldwide, aka...

Todd: ...this frickin' guy. Jesus, I feel like I've already done dozens of episodes on him, for Christ's sake. Anyway...

Clip of Far*East Movement - "Like a G6"

Todd (VO): ...around about 2010 or so, I was complaining a lot about how the charts were dominated by a genre I like to call "club shit".

Todd: I...I came up with that myself.

Clip of Ke$ha - "We R Who We R"

Todd (VO): And I remember begging for something smarter and deeper to come along that would sweep all the shallow club shit away. [Clip of Adele singing "Rumour Has It" at the Royal Albert Hall] And, to my gratification, we actually did start getting music that had—or, at least tried to have—depth, maturity, creativity and so on. And they started swarming the radio stations, and the charts are a much different place now.

Todd: But as for it sweeping all this stupid, shallow stuff away, well, that did not happen obviously.

Clip of Flo Rida ft. Sia - "Wild Ones"

Todd (VO): Sure, B-listers like LMFAO went away, but the bigger names like will.i.am, Ke$ha, Flo Rida, they just dug in their heels and refused to move. They laugh at the attempts to make them move, they taunt us from [Clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail] their mighty fortress.

Frenchman (John Cleese): I fart in your general direction.

Todd: That they do. Now most of these acts opted not to change their MO in any substantial way, unless you count [brief clip of will.i.am ft. Britney Spears - "Scream and Shout"] will.i.am's decision to somehow get worse. But the Pitbull story is a tiny bit different.

Clips of "Get It Started"...

Todd (VO): Pitbull's greatest talent has always been locating the next hot trend and adapting. [..."Dammit Man"...] When he first started in '04, the big things were crunk and reggaeton, and he hitched his wagon to those and was one of the first people to get big on those trends. Of course, both those genres were practically dead and gone two years later, so Pitbull should've been back out on the street. But [..."I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)"] at that point, he correctly predicted the dance music boom of 2009 and 2010, and reinvented himself from dirty barrio kid from the mean streets of Miami to flashy, well-dressed club VIP. And he became one of the biggest names in music in the process. So...

Todd: ...while Pitbull remains one of the most limited and talentless personalities in all of musicdom, he is actually a good barometer of what music is and where it's going. Where is music going now?

Clip of Swedish House Mafia ft. John Martin - "Don't You Worry Child"
John Martin: There was a time

Todd (VO): Well, from what I can tell, one of the bigger trends in pop music is the shift towards this serious-sounding, sweeping electronic dance music in the David Guetta/Calvin Harris/Swedish House Mafia mold. Stuff that's intended to be both good to dance to, and yet also sweeping and intense and emotionally effective.

Todd: Now techno and dance music can be all of these things just fine, but each and every chart hit that tried it recently, I've absolutely hated.

Video for Krewalla - "Alive"
Jahan Yousaf: Come on, make me feel alive

Todd (VO): None of the dance hits this year or the last have been anywhere near successful in pulling it off, and they're pulling all these good singers like Rihanna or Sia or [clip of Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch - "Sweet Nothing"] Florence from Florence + the Machine, of all friggin' people, just whoever has those big, emotive vocals to try to add some depth to their grooves. But no...no matter how good the singer is, the song never works. It's too underwritten and impersonal to be meaningful, and it's too heavy to be any fun. I would honestly rather go back to the club shit.

Video for "Feel This Moment"
Christina Aguilera: ...just wanna feel this moment

Todd (VO): That kind of dance-for-the-dull beat is what I think Pitbull is going for here, which makes it a triple fail. Not only is it not fun and not worth taking seriously, it's also not even cohesive because Pitbull's being Pitbull all over it.

Pitbull: I'm far from cheap, I break down companies with all my peeps
Baby we can travel the world
And I can give you all you can see

Todd (VO): Yep, that totally works, you...doing that thing you've done...

Todd: ...a billion times. *sigh* You know...Hey! Fun experiment I just thought of right now for this episode. It's gonna be like a...like a "choose your own adventure" review. See...

Todd (VO): ...the way it works is, you listen to the song and write all the jokes and make the insights and criticisms...

Todd: ...while I [reaches down and puts on headphones] put on my headphones and listen to some Sarah McLachlan. How's that? Try it out. Do it now. Start now. [Puts his head down and listens to "Building a Mystery" for a few seconds before taking them off.] This is not going to work. I don't even like Sarah McLachlan!

Christina: One day while my light is glowing
I'll be in my castle golden

Todd (VO): Look, that hook, it's...it's just too heavy for a guy as lightweight as Pitbull. Look, I didn't even mind [clip of "Don't Stop the Party"] Pitbull's last party song. It wasn't anything special but it was okay, but...there is no way in the universe that Pitbull should be going for a mood any more serious than [screams kind of high]...

Todd: ...that thing he does.

Clip of The Art of Skiing, with Goofy screaming as he skis down a ramp

Todd (VO): No, not that.

Pitbull: Party!

Todd: Yeah, that. It's harder than it looks, I'll give him that.

Todd (VO): No, I can do better than this. Let's...let's really take a look at it.

Pitbull: Ask for money, and get advice
Ask for advice, get money twice

Todd (VO): Ah yes, that old chestnut.

Todd: A little worn, but still true. Real prosperity comes not from handouts, but from understanding and wisdom. Expand on that thought, Pitbull. Where do you turn to when you need it?

Pitbull: Now make dollars, I mean billions, I'm a genius, I mean brilliance

Todd: [laughing] Oh, you meant I should be taking advice from you.

Todd (VO): Why not? You're a genius, Pitbull. Yes, you make money, so you're a genius. You know who else has money? Donald Trump, another genius. As is Paris Hilton. I don't know why they don't just replace IQ tests with your W-2 form. You're...

Todd: ...you're a genius, Pitbull. You're a musical genius.

Todd (VO): Let me demonstrate his musical genius. See, specifically I should focus on the beat here because...hoo boy. See, we got Christina Aguilera Christina Aguilera-ing everywhere and...this happens.

An all-too familiar riff plays
Pitbull: Mr Worldwide
Christina Aguilera
Oye mamita, come on, dale, que la cosa esta rica
Christina: I just wanna feel this moment

Todd: Hey, that's the synth riff from "Take On Me", right? [Clip from a-ha - "Take On Me"] Yep, that is indeed the riff from "Take On Me". [pause] Why is that the riff from "Take On Me"?!

Todd (VO): Does this song have anything to say about "Take On Me"? Does "Take On Me" have anything to do with this song? Does it use the knee-jerk recognition we all have of "Take On Me" to any end whatsoever? Does it even sound good?! No, it sounds like complete crap!

Todd: Actually, can I tell you a story here? About ten years ago, back when I was in college, I had a job at [picture of, in flames with a sign out front reading "Welcome to Hell"...] Best Buy, and just like anyone with a shitty retail job, I had to listen to the awful in-store radio and its ten-song playlist everyday. And the song I'm talking about in particular is this techno song that sampled the melody from...you know, that song "Without Me" by Eminem.

Clip of "Without Me"
Eminem: La la la la la
La la la la la

Todd: Yeah, that, it sampled that.

Clip of DrunkenMunkey - "E"

Todd (VO): And...there was nothing else.

Todd: It was just that one sampled riff.

Todd (VO): Just that...over...

Todd: ...and over and over again.

Todd (VO): Just that riff pumped into some stupid, crappy-happy hardcore shit, and...

Todd: ...I would hear it multiple times a day.

Guy: Check this out

Todd: I have...scars. In fact...

Todd (VO): ...you can probably trace the fact that I've been always a little electronica-resistant to that one song. It's just so lazy. And it's not just that one song either, as I've discovered. [Back to "Feel This Moment"] You can just take one riff people know, and just jack it up with that synth crap, and voila. You've done nothing. But that's what Pitbull has done here. This is the musical equivalent of one of those shitty spoof movies referencing some famous movie, but not actually having a joke with it.

Clip from Disaster Movie
Iron Man: I am Iron Man.
[Iron Man is flattened by a cow]

Todd: Right? Like, this is the...

Todd (VO): ...laziest, worst, stupidest use of samples since...

Todd: ...oh, gee, the [clip of "Back in Time"] last Pitbull song I reviewed.

Mickey & Sylvia: Baby, ohhh baby

Todd (VO): Let's see what else he raps about. See, he...he just wants to feel this moment, as opposed to, I guess all those other songs where he raps about stressing out trying to save money for his kid's college education, I don't know.

Pitbull: make dollars, I mean billions

Todd (VO): Let's see, he makes money, he wears suits, nothing suits him like a suit.

Pitbull: ...cause she seen me in a suit with a red tie tied up

Todd (VO): Yeah, he's...he's seen the world.

Pitbull: Reporting live from the tallest building in Tokyo

Todd (VO): That...that's one of the few things about Pitbull that actually does set him apart from the other party-party guys, his love of travel. [Clip of "International Love"] He loves talking about how he's seen different parts of the world. One of his actually tolerable songs was all about that. I mean, that's something.

Todd: Or at least it would've been before he beat that into the ground just like the other...one thing he raps about. Like...nice, you've been to a lot of cities.

Todd (VO): He usually doesn't say anything about those places, he hasn't absorbed any culture or history, he just lists them like they're Pokemon cards he's collected.

Pitbull: ...tallest building in Tokyo
[Clips of "On the Floor"]
Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza
["Rain Over Me"]
Next step la Casablanca
["Back in Time"]
From Cape Canaveral
["Get It Started"]
Mumbai
Morocco
Manila
Helsinki
Malaysia
Clip of Animaniacs - "Yakko's World"
Yakko: United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
Haiti, Jamaica, Peru

Todd: What else?

Todd (VO): Suits...suits and exotic places...girls...punchlines that don't really make sense.

Pitbull: I see the future but live for the moment.
Make sense, don't it? Ha.

Todd (VO): Expensive alcohol...all the usual Pitbull crap.

Todd: Am I trapped on a Möbius strip? There's nothing new. Not a single new thing in these lyrics.

Todd (VO): I might as well just play my old Pitbull reviews over this!

Todd: [after considering it] Actually, why not? Wh...why don't I do that? Why don't I do just that?

Todd (VO): If he's gonna recycle himself this obviously and sample this lazily,...

Todd: ...why shouldn't I?!

Pitbull: This street is what scoot em
And made em slicker, too slick with the ruler
Clip from Back In Time (from The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2012) pasted over
Todd (VO): This song certainly was a big steaming pile of...
Pitbull: Number two!!!
Todd (VO): What with its mismatched sample, off-topic lyrics, tired self-aggrandizing.
Todd: [from "Back in Time" review] It is a complete and utter disaster.

Todd (VO): Yeah!

Todd: That worked totally well. I could keep doing this.

Pitbull: Reporting live from the tallest building in Tokyo
Todd: It's...it's nice that you travel around the world, Pitbull, but you're not writing an Indiana Jones theme. Like, the Men in Black, they basically stay in New York. There are three movies and they don't generally leave New York.

Todd: O...kay, that sample didn't quite fit. But neither does the sample for "Feel This Moment"! Meta-commentary! Actually, pull back to some...some of the older Pitbull videos.

Pitbull: Meet and greet, nice to meet ya, but time is money
Only difference is I own it
[Pasted clip from Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2010##4 ]
Todd (VO): I hate you, Pitbull. I hate you so much. You suck so hard, Pitbull! You suck...so...hard!

Todd: God, I was so angry back then.

Todd (VO): Okay, well, fortunately, I think I also have to talk about Christina Aguilera, who I haven't done an episode on because she doesn't have hits anymore. Let me hit you with my opinion here: Christina Aguilera oversings and is awful.

Todd: Yes, clearly the genius is me for coming up with that groundbreaking original criticism; I'm only behind...who? [MTV News article: "Billy Joel disses Christina Aguilera..."] Billy Joel, [clip of Christina on...] Family Guy and every human being with ears.

Todd (VO): Like...why Pitbull tapped her for the hook, I have no idea. She's a has-been. You can tell how desperate she's getting by the way she forcibly inserts herself into every single scene of this video.

Pitbull: 305 all day
Now baby we can parlay

Todd (VO): You know how I said Jay-Z is turning into Jack Donaghy? Christina Aguilera is turning into Jenna Maroney.

Clip from 30 Rock - "Episode 210"
Tracy: Yes, he's leaving
Jenna: Yes, he's leaving

Todd (VO): I mean, yeah, she's on that show, but being on a hot show didn't make Paula Abdul any more musically relevant.

Todd: Why her?

Pitbull: [with a prominent accent] Christina Aguilera

Todd (VO): Oh, right, right, that's...Pitbull's trying to work with every Latino singer, basically. She's Hispanic.

Todd: ...in that she has a Hispanic last name, and pretty much no other connection to her Latino side at all. Hey, y'all remember when she released that Spanish album?

Clip of "Pero Me Acuerdo de Ti"
Christina: Que tengo encasa quien suena con verme llegar

Todd (VO): Yeah, that was pretty hilarious.

Todd: If I recall correctly, she spoke Spanish like Peggy Hill.

Clip from King of the Hill - "Lupe's Revenge"
Peggy: [subtitled] Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse.

Todd: Actually, no, wait, I did do that one episode that involved her, "Moves Like..." [Clip of "Moves Like Jagger"] Yeah, that mess. Let's see if I can sample that old video.

Christina: One day while my light is glowing
["Moves Like Jagger" pasted]
Todd: It reeks of utter desperation for Christina Aguilera. I wish I had more time to dedicate to Christina's descent into complete irrelevance, especially that colossal failure of her last album and its terrible debut single and its godawful video. It's just, as an artist, she's always seemed just confused about what she tries to accomplish.

Todd: Way to frame a camera shot, Todd. But...yeah, that was all still true. Nothing has changed.

Clip of "Your Body"

Todd (VO): I mean, nowadays, we're talking about a different failed disaster of an album, but it's all still basically true. Wow, the more things don't change, the more they stay the same, I always say.

Christina: I just wanna feel this moment

Todd (VO): No, I got...psssh. I don't know what else I can do here. Like, the sad part about this song is that it's about living in the moment. And if there is one thing Pitbull is actually kinda good at, it's being not just boastful, but actually grateful and appreciative about how far he's come and the privileges he enjoys.

Todd: Yeah, compare that to Drake, who tries to do that, but mostly sucks at it.

Clip of Drake - "Started From the Bottom"
Drake: Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here
Started from the bottom now we're here
Clip from Rap Critic review
RC: My friends and I were broke, but now we're not
My friends and I were broke, but now we're not

Todd: Hah, I didn't even ask permission to use that. Unlicensed sample. Let's see him try to sue.

Todd (VO): Now, my point is: I'm not opposed to a song about feeling the moment from Pitbull. It's just that the moment he's trying to make us feel sucks! It just plain sucks, and there's not much else to say about it. It's a monument to its own failure.

Todd: Now there's a quote I can sample for future reviews. Keep it going.

[Samples from past reviews pasted over the video]
Todd: [from "Want U Back" (from the Top Ten Worst Songs of 2012)] Inexcusable.
["Girl on Fire"] Oh my God! This song sucks so much!
["Drive By"] Someone get me a bag to vomit in.
["I Can Transform Ya"] It makes me feel like a giant alien robot is urinating on me.

Todd: Oh, my God. I've got enough episodes, I can just do that forever. [Gets up and leaves] Best idea I've ever had.

Christina: I just wanna feel this moment


Closing tag song: Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - "Still the Same"

THE END
"Feel This Moment" is owned by RCA Records
This video is owned by me

Note: At 15:50, this is Todd's longest review between his Pop Song Reviews and One-Hit Wonderland to date, Top Ten lists and crossovers notwithstanding.

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