January 8, 2011
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Guess what? We’re still in Sequel Month.
(The title card for Sequel Month appears where a stick figure of the NC’s face looking disgusted is shown)
NC: I’ll try to con-tain my enjoyment. Well, perhaps some of you remember my first crossover review of “Ferngully.”
(Footage from the “Ferngully” review starts to play)
NC (voiceover): It was one of the first crossover reviews I ever did, and needless to say, the film was less than breathtaking. It required some help, so the Nostalgia Chick humbly volunteered herself to review the film with me. But little did I know that an even greater evil just lay behind the corner: a direct-to-video little abomination simply known as “Ferngully 2: The Magical Rescue.”
NC: And seeing how the Nostalgia Chick helped me last time, I figure it’s only fitting to make the offer again. So, what do you say, Nostalgia Chick? You ready to go into the rainforest one more time?
Nostalgia Chick: No.
NC: OK. This is “Ferngully 2.”
(The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by clips from that movie)
NC (voiceover): It’s strange. I mean, was the first “Ferngully” really popular to spawn a sequel? I mean, even a direct-to-video sequel? Were there really protesters out in the streets demanding to see more “Ferngully?” (an image of three protesters holding signs that say “I just woke up!” “The rapping bat was awesome!” and “More Ferngully!” are shown) My guess is the movie broke even, which, in Hollywood, means they can squeeze a little bit more tripe out of it, which resulted in this half-assed effort of dickiness.
NC: But is it really as bad as the first one, or does it have some redeeming value?
Governor Tarkin (from “Star Wars”): I think you overestimate their chances.
NC: Let’s dive right into “Ferngully 2.”
NC (voiceover): So, just like the first movie, they like to throw in songs that really have nothing to do with furthering the story and more to do with…you know, I have no idea why they threw in songs.
Background Singers: Feel the magic in the breeze/Sweeping through the forest trees/Here in Ferngully.
NC (voiceover): (sighs) You know, I really can’t get into a song that I swear I heard from a Fruity Marshmallow Krispies commercial in the ‘90s.
Background Singers: Every color running free/Under nature’s canopy.
Singers (from the Fruity Marshmallow Krispies commercial): Fruity Marshmallow Krispies! Lots of fruity marshmallow shapes!
NC (voiceover): So we see Crysta from the last movie showing some of the younger animals the ways of Ferngully. You know, like how trees are good and people are Hitler.
Crysta: Now, the canopy keeps us safe.
NC (voiceover): We also come across some of the side characters, like the Beetle Boys…
Root: Hey, Stump! What are we gonna do today?
Stump: Duh, what are we gonna do today, Pips?
Brain (from “Pinky and the Brain”): The same thing we do every night. Try to take over the world!
NC (voiceover): And Pips, Crysta’s possible boyfriend / possible brother / possible friend…possibly.
Pips: Ferngully is the most beautiful place I know. But let’s face it, boys. It’s the only place I know, and I get tired of it sometimes.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, so as you can probably guess, Pips is turning into a Disney Princess as he dreams about a world beyond what he’s used to. What a fucking spoiled brat!
(Pips uses a panpipe to make a green stalk grow tall, to the amazement of the animals that are with Crysta)
Pips: Beat that, Crysta!
Crysta: Magi Lune taught me that magic is too precious to waste on silly games.
(cut to footage from the first “Ferngully” movie)
NC (voiceover): (as Crysta) I’d much rather use it to have strange hand sex and impress mullet youths that aren’t interesting enough to be featured in the sequel.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): (normal) So Crysta continues to grow more trees in the forest as, again, Pips can’t help but act like a loudmouth pussy.
Pips: Just what we need; another tree. Big deal! The forest is full of them. Personally, I’d like to see something new.
Jack Skellington (from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”): (sings) Oh, there’s an empty place in my bones…
NC (voiceover): Suddenly, in comes Batty. Not voiced by Robin Williams, but that’s fine. We seem to be on a roll in not including the same voice actors. I wouldn’t mind too much, except they don’t even attempt to make him sound like Robin Williams. They make him sound more like Rip Taylor with his testicles being demolished!
Batty: RUN FOR IT!! (talks quickly) I may be batty, but I’m not nutty. I’m outta here. I’m a ghost. I’m history, a hologram. You can’t see me. Bye-bye now.
NC: (as Rip Taylor) D’oooh! I just hope they pick me for “Jackass 4D”! I don’t need this. I was in the "Tom and Jerry Movie"!
NC (voiceover): But it turns out Ferngully is under attack by one of the worst animals the planet has ever known:
NC: (leans forward toward the camera) MAN!
(The word “MAN!” is displayed next to a kitten with a tear on its face while dramatic music plays, then the movie’s villain is introduced in the style of an old-time newsreel complete with the Critic’s narration)
Newsreel Narrator: Yes, Man. Human in shape but satanic in spirit, Man likes to spend most of his time destroying things because he is worse than the Devil if he was a pedophile. (Text just saying that appears) You can spot the especially bad ones by having (The following appear in list form) two-dimensional personalities, being written horribly and having a chin that even Bruce Campbell would be jealous of. They kidnap animals, burn down rainforests and probably slept with your mother. (Text appears that says “THEY DO MOTHERS!”) If you should see Man anywhere in your neighborhood, please make a pretentious animated feature with confused morals and no sympathetic, three dimensional villains. (The following is accompanied by onscreen text of the same words) Man: if there’s anything worse, it’s not human.
(End of newsreel)
NC (voiceover): So, as you can imagine, an evil poacher comes around and steals the baby animals.
Boss Poacher: (to his dog) What are you lookin’ at? Get over there and guard the animals!
NC: D’ahhh! An Australian accent in Australia! What’s the world coming to?!
NC (voiceover): Now, something I never understood in this movie or the last movie, for that matter, is how come Crysta, who was clearly seen shrinking down the main character from the last movie, doesn’t just shrink these guys down, too? Wouldn’t that make things a heck of a lot easier?
(Boss Poacher stands next to NC)
NC’s Boss Poacher: Oy, I’m gonna get you guys real good, and…! (NC magically shrinks Boss to a smaller size with a wave of his hand) Uhm… (NC slaps down on him like a fly before giving the princess wave to an applauding audience)
Announcer: You just saved us a movie! (Same text appears below NC)
NC (voiceover): So the poachers sleep well, knowing they caught some tasty ingredients for White Castle, as our heroes try to sneak up and rescue them.
Boss Poacher’s Assistant: Careful, Boss.
Boss Poacher: Don’t wanna burn down a thousand years of rainforest, do we?
NC: Oh, why not? After all, we are MAN!
(The word “MAN!” is displayed next to a kitten with a tear on its face while dramatic music plays, then the same newsreel that introduces the main villain starts playing again)
Newsreel Narrator: Yes, Man. Human in shape but satanic in spirit…
NC: No, no, you got the idea. Let’s just get on with the magical rescue.
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey! We’re at the magical rescue already! I guess this movie’s gonna be over in a snap!
Pips: (to the Beetle Boys) Boys, we found ourselves some action! (points to the assistant poacher whose back is turned away from them while he’s resting on the ground)
NC: (puzzled) What, up his butt?
NC (voiceover): So the fairies try to save the animals that have no such luck.
(A dog runs into Goanna)
Goanna: Dog food.
(The dog runs away and yelps in fright, and Goanna laughs as Crysta watches)
NC: Come back! He was gonna sing a two-minute song about eating you! Awww! (rests his head on his hand and shakes his head in disappointment before the “Big Lipped Alligator Moment” logo makes its appearance)
Announcer: No Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!
(The poachers drive away with the baby animals as the fire from a torch they left behind starts to burn the forest)
Kangaroo Mother: My baby! (cries)
NC: Wow. That was, like, the kangaroo version of “Platoon.”
(the footage is slowed down while a snippet of “Platoon” plays over the scene)
Kangaroo Mother: My baby! (cries)
NC (voiceover): The next morning, they take a look at the damage, which of course, results in a slow spin of the burned-down forest, and just to up the ante, let’s have hand-to-face action there. (Pips cups both hands over his face in sorrow) Oh, yeah, humans suck.
Crysta: Oh, Father. There’s so much healing needed.
Father: But some things, my dear, even with all our magic do not mend quickly.
NC (voiceover): Well, wait a minute! We saw her grow trees—like full-grown trees—in seconds! What’s this “Do not mend quickly” bullshit? She can mend very quickly! Hell, she could probably touch an impotent person and make wood grow!
Pips: Me and the Beetle Boys will go after those humans and rescue the babies.
Batty: The town is no place for little bugs like you. It’s full of weed-killer, television…tax attorneys! Completely unreasonable car insurance!
NC: Hey-hey! Modern-day references! (his lips quivers before he tries to flick his hands to the camera as though desperate) Laugh!
Batty: I’m coming with you. You gotta be batty not to be afraid of humans. You ever seen one eating an oyster? It’s terrible!
NC: (confused) …Eat an oyster! Because…if it can’t be funny, be confusing! It works really well for The New Yorker! (a cover for "The New Yorker" is shown)
NC (voiceover): So you realize pretty quickly that the main character in this one is not Crysta, nor is the human from the first film. It’s Pip-squeak here. Remember that guy you barely saw in the first movie? He’s the star now! Because Crysta has to stay behind and rebuild the rainforest.
Background Singers: We belong somewhere…
NC (voiceover): You know, these movies don’t convey how fragile the rainforest is, do they? Every time they burn the shit down, they just magically grow it back again! Why do we need to save it? The fairies seem to have it pretty much in control!
Crysta: (sings) Out into the great unknown/The ones we love are…
NC (voiceover): (sighs) You know, another pet peeve that gets to me is the fact that these fairies are flying, yet their wings never move. You gotta flap ‘em in order to fly, guys. Hell, in a lot of shots, they don’t even have wings! They just suddenly disappear! It’s almost as if somebody just grabbed them and threw them across the forest! Heck, maybe that’s how they get around!
NC’s Pips: (speaks to NC) You really think you look cool wearing that? You know you look like a dumbass. You know the Angry Video Game Nerd is much better than…(NC grabs him and throws him off-screen) Thank youuuuuuuu….!
NC (voiceover): So they (Pips and the Beetle Boys) come across a carnival because I guess carnivals are very popular near the rainforest now, and they decide to check it out.
(A montage of their adventure in the carnival begins to play)
NC: Oh, my God! This carnival is awesome! Makes me totally forget about the baby animals we’re supposed to be saving!
(A couple quick cuts of the baby animals looking sad and treated poorly are shown as the montage plays on)
Stump: I love this ride!
(NC dances along with the upbeat music in his seat as the montage continues playing; at one point, an animated hand drawn by NC flips a switch that turns deadly gas on in an attempt to “kill” the baby animals)
NC (voiceover): So as they’re enjoying their antics in the human world, suddenly something dawns in their heads!
NC: (smacks his head with one hand) A-doyyyy!
NC (voiceover): So, knowing that time is of the essence, the crew gets their focus back on track and decides to hunt down the babies…by sleeping. (beat) Interesting strategy.
Batty: Better get some sleep. Human fun takes it out of ya, let me tell you.
NC: (yawns) Maybe the answer will come to me while I snooze. (He goes to sleep as a dream bubble appears above his head, and the quote “GO AFTER THE FUCKING BABIES!!!!” is shown flashing) Why do I always have that dream?
NC (voiceover): We then cut back home, where Crysta—you know, the person who SHOULD be the hero of this picture—is seen trying to grow Ferngully back through roots and stems. Again, even though we could see her grow trees in a nanosecond—aw, hell, I just sound like a broken record.
(The Boss Poacher’s dog’s head pops out of a bush)
Crysta: Oh, my!
(The dog has his front paw caught in a bear trap)
Crysta: You poor creature. (the dog snarls at her) I just want to help you. (the dog whimpers)
Goanna: Serves him right.
Crysta: But he’s helpless. He’ll die if we just leave him here.
Captain Kirk (from “Star Trek 6”): Let them die!
Crysta: Please help him!
Goanna: Hmmmm. You’re lucky I can’t refuse a fairy request.
NC: (as Goanna) It is the…law of the iguana.
NC (voiceover): So Crysta and the “NOT Tone Loc” lizard get him out of the trap and heal his wound with a leaf. Yeah. Just a leaf! Probably got it on loan from that forest of improbability in “Quest for Camelot”! She decides she wants to get the dog home, leaving that whole “rebuilding the rainforest” thing, as we see our heroes come across an old man and his granddaughter try to perfect their clown act.
(The granddaughter slips up during practice on her unicycle and falls forward)
Mr. Chuckles (the grandfather): Ohh, Budgie! You’ve got no sense of balance! I don’t think you’re ever going to be ready for the clown act.
NC: (as Mr. Chuckles) It’s at times like this, I’m ashamed to do what I do. And I’m a fucking clown!
Pips: (flies over to Budgie and faces her as she’s crying and burying her face) Did that human hurt you?
Budgie: Who…what are you?
Pips: A fairy, of course.
General M. Bison (from the “Street Fighter” movie): Of course!
Pips: This is my first time out of Ferngully.
NC (voiceover): So she takes the whole “seeing half-naked fairy” thing pretty good, as she invites them to rest inside her trailer—Yeah, because if there’s anything they haven’t done enough of, it’s resting—while Batty, who surprisingly seems to be the only character doing any work in this movie, locates the animals and tries to tell the rest of the gang where they are.
Batty: Hey, I found the--! (Pips shushes him)
Pips: Check this out. (turns a sink faucet on and off) River on, river off. River on, river off!
Beetle Boy #1: (turns a lamp on and off) Sun on, sun off! Sun on, sun off!
NC (voiceover): Our heroes, everybody! Has your child been kidnapped by unspeakable evil? Well, we’ll do our best to eat your ice cream and flip the lights on and off until your child is rescued! WHY WASN’T CRYSTA THE HERO AGAIN?!
Stump: (notices a TV) What’s this?
Batty: Yeee! (flies over to the TV and then speaks like Sean Connery) I insist that you steer clear of that sinister square.
NC: Oh, hey! It’s Sean Connery doing that famous “sinister square” line from….. (gets confused) The fuck were you quoting again?
(The TV is turned on; the loud blast of the rock music playing on the TV blows Batty away)
Pips: (watches the action onscreen in amazement) Whoa.
Batty: THE BABIES!
Pips: Oh, Budgie’s gonna take us on some rides later if you wanna come.
NC (voiceover): It’s not like there’s any other important things we can be doing right now!
(An animated hand flips a switch that turns on a deadly gas, which covers a couple of the baby animals)
Batty: I’m going to rescue the babies! Is anybody coming with me? (a Beetle Boy that is only a shell with arms and eyes and riding on a ladybug appears before Batty) Just you, huh?
Beetle Boy #2: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Batty: (speaks with an unidentifiable celebrity impression) OK, partner, it’s just you and me. (He and the Beetle Boy fly off)
NC: …I don’t even know who that impression was, so I can’t really make fun of it.
NC (voiceover): So Batty and one of those miner guys from “Megaman” go to save the animals, but unfortunately get caught. Kinda silly when you can clearly see he can slip right through the bars, but hey, if it keeps him out of the movie, I’m good for it! So, literally, as the fairies continue to ride the rides for the past five minutes, the animals in their cages decide, “Somebody has to entertain the audience!” So they break into an annoying musical number.
Nugget: (sings) I’m so small, so afraid.
Wal: (sings) I just wanna curl up in my bed.
Nugget: (sings) I just want…
Wal: (sings) I just wanna...
NC: (as the Boss Poacher) Oy! The animals are having a musical number! Better cue the spotlights I put in to create a dramatic atmospheric environment! I can’t help it if I’m a thespian!
Batty: (sings) Come on, everybody! You know you’re not alone! If we stick together, we’ll find our way home!
Batty: (sings) Can you feel it?
Chorus: Can you feel it?
Batty: (sings) Deep inside you?
NC (voiceover): Oh, no, they got music from Disney’s “Hercules”!
NC: Abandon film! (gets off his chair to duck for cover)
Batty: (sings) We’re gonna find our way…back home!
Wal: What’s gonna happen to us, Batty?
Batty: Zoo exhibits, laboratory testing, hand bags…you don’t wanna know the gory details.
NC (voiceover): Oh, nice. He was singing about how they should never give up and find their way home, and now literally, the very next line, he’s talking about how they’re all going to be handbags! What an uplifting leader!
NC: Do you think George S. Patton did the same thing?
NC (voiceover): (dubs for George S. Patton in “Patton”) The Nazis are the enemy! Wade into them! Spill their blood! Shoot them in the belly! (pauses) Oh, my GOD! I’m so afraid! (sobs) I want my momma!
NC (voiceover): So Pips, once again, gets reminded about why the fuck he came here in the first place.
Budgie: What is it, Pips? What’s wrong?
Pips: There’s something about this place, Budgie. I can’t concentrate! I came here because two humans came into Ferngully and captured baby animals.
Budgie: That’s horrible!
Pips: I’m supposed to be looking for them, but this place is so distracting!
NC: (as Pips) Is this what you humans call “A.D.D.”? I feel like I can’t focus on anything—(a housefly flies across the screen) Ooh, a housefly! (He gets up to follow it)
NC (voiceover): So they FINALLY decide to go after the freaking animals as they chase down the truck that’s taking them away. Even the girl’s grandpa gets caught up in the chase.
Root: We’ll never catch them!
Stump: It’s hopeless.
Pips: We gotta catch them! Come on! (He immediately flies off in pursuit of the truck)
NC (voiceover): Wow, great motivation speech.
Mr. Chuckles: Hang on, Budgie! You can do it! (Budgie climbs up to the top of the truck from the back) Hey! She did it!
NC: (as Mr. Chuckles) I was just pulling that out of my ass when I said she can do it, but by God, she can really do it!
NC (voiceover): So the poacher sees the girl and naturally pulls the truck over to stop her. (Boss Poacher opens the door to go after Budgie while the truck is still moving) Or, he does this really stupid thing! You freaking dumbass! She’s, like, 12! You don’t need to take advantage of the shaky car ride! Just pull the damn thing over and take her off!
(NC, while sitting in his seat, acts as the Boss Poacher on what he should have done by stopping the truck, getting out of the truck and closing the door, approaching Budgie, grabbing her (who goes, “Hey!”) and putting her on the ground, going back to the truck to get in and drive off)
Boss Poacher: You’re in big trouble. (pulls off a lock that links between the truck and the trailer; Budgie gasps) Good luck, girlie!
NC: (as Boss Poacher, waving goodbye) There goes half of my animals! (smiles, but then looks off as if to think, “Wait…”)
(The trailer hits a road railing and dangles over the edge of a cliff)
Batty: I’m coming!
(Budgie loses her grip on the trailer and falls, yelling until Batty flies down and grabs her, pulling her up to safety)
NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah, I’m calling bullshit on this one. A bat carrying a little girl? Uhhhh….doesn’t happen.
Mr. Chuckles: (reunites with Budgie and laughs) Oh, Budgie.
NC (voiceover): So the old man finds out about the fairies and decides to help them out.
Pips: I blew it. I spent so much time thinking of myself that we’ve lost the babies.
Mr. Chuckles: I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve. (Everybody is inside his clown car) This thing comes with all the options. (He sets the car to “Forward” and inadvertently drives it off the cliff)
(A cut to black, and a crash is heard; the “The End” title card is shown as the Merrie Melodies end credits music plays)
NC (voiceover): No, no, actually, it turns into a floating car and manages to find its way to where the poachers are trading the animals. They manage to get them all, but the poacher doesn’t let them get away that easily.
(Boss Poacher handles a crane that picks up a load of cages containing the baby animals; Mr. Chuckles jumps to grab onto the load, and Budgie jumps to grab onto him and ends up pulling his pants down as she tries to climb up)
Mr. Chuckles: Uh, this is no time to practice our act, Budgie!
NC: (disturbed pause) ……….…‘K, I don’t wanna know what kind of act requires her to pull his pants down. But it’s probably called “The Aristocrats!” (a rimshot is heard)
NC (voiceover): But…what a coincidence! Crysta and the dog happen to show up at the exact same time to help them out. So the animals are saved, and our heroes find that they finally have to say goodbye.
Budgie: (waves goodbye) Goodbye, Pips.
Pips: Goodbye, Budgie. (waves goodbye and then flies off into a tree)
NC: (beat) That was heartless.
Kangaroo Mother: My baby!
Pips: Mrs. K! (The kangaroo mother and her son hug and reunite)
Baby Joey: Hey, Mom, what’s for dinner?
Kangaroo Mother: Nugget!
Baby Joey: I love you, Mom.
NC (voiceover): And that was also pretty heartless. All around heartless! That seems to be the theme for the movie, everybody!
NC: You know, outside of being ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY!
(A montage of clips from the movie start playing as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): As sequels go, this isn’t one of the worst—especially considering how they did have much to go from in the first place—but it’s just pointless. The animation is standard—and at times, pretty sloppy—the story doesn’t really tell us any more about Ferngully or the characters. It’s just sort of a road trip movie, and even that’s not entertaining. I like the idea of the fairies getting distracted by the attractions of the human world, but it’s not fleshed out enough, and that sort of makes the characters look shallow. On the whole, it’s not god-awful; it’s all just sort of blasé and forgettable.
NC: Which, considering Sequel Month, isn’t that bad. Hell, if I get a few more of these, I might be able to get through this after all. So, tell me, what is the next film, anyway?
(The cover for “Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue” is shown with dramatic music playing)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Kangaroo Mother: (spoken in slow motion) My baby! (sobs)