Labyrinth
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Released
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March 22, 2009
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Running Time
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14:08
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(For the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie, go here)
Nostalgia Chick: Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick and I think everyone probably remembers their first Bone...Bowie.
(picture of David Bowie from Labyrinth is shown while a choir sings the Hallelujah chorus from Handel's Messiah. Nostalgia Chick just waves herself in glee as "Magic Dance" plays in the background)
(Throughout opening monologue, scenes from the movie are shown)
NCh: I mean there is a time in every child's life when they start to suspect that there might be some physical differences between males and females, but young female viewers of the cult classic Labyrinth got more than affirmation: (in sexy whisper voice) they got David Bowie. That being only the most memorable thing in this hell stew of dribble, goblins, ugly babies, Don Quixote references, and pre-Academy Award Jennifer Connelly. And I dare you to go into a circle of any number of respectable nerds, and say the words," You remind me of the babe." withou- (Right on cue and interrupting NCh, Nella answers back offscreen, "What babe?" NCh goes along and says,"The babe with the power." Nella counters with, "What power?" still offscreen.) but aside from basically being a David Bowie-worshipping platform, the thing was a pretty legit effort from the Jim Henson Workshop. Even featuring a screenplay from a former Python. (Terry Jones.) But our protagonist here is young Sarah Williams, played by baby-Jennifer Connelly, as what it appears to be the loneliest LARP-er in town. And that's saying something for one's social skills. Or acting skills for that matter.
(Scene shows Sarah in field, and suddenly remembering that she has something to do at 7:00. Her dog runs with her. Throughout the next part, it shows more movie scenes featuring Sarah and her family.)
NCh: Run away! the rain is starting! Sarah lives with her father and step-mother, whom she releases her annoying rage quite frequently apparently. Sarah is upset because she can't LARP always and has to babysit her-
(Stops, realizes that some people have no idea what LARP is.)
NCh: I glean that some of you may not have heard what LARPing is. Well for the uninitiated, LARPing is Live Action Role Playing. (Each word comes with hand gesture and ascending musical note for emphasis.) For those who think that Dungeons and Dragons isn't hardcore enough. If you want to learn more, just Youtube search: Lightning bolt.
("Lightning Bolt" is played, with NCh awkwardly clapping at end)
(More movie slips are shown with Sarah and her baby step-brother, Toby.)
NCh: Somehow the pirate baby got one of her teddy-bears, which really cheeses Sarah off.
(Scene shows Connelly doing a not great delivery of her line)
NCh: Well I hate YOUR acting. Unfortunately, there seem to be a bunch of goblin voyeurs in everyone's closet, waiting for her to wish the baby away correctly.
(Scene shows Sarah lifting Toby up and saying the wrong command, with the goblins complaining about it not even starting with,"I wish.")
NCh:(Confused) Except for the fact that it totally does? (Shrugs at the goblin's exasperation.) Somehow she manages to get it right and then-
(Scene shows David Bowie in all his bulging glory, while Handel's Messiah plays in the background. NCh looks incredibly aroused and happy. Scene continues with Bowie and Connelly talking.)
NCh: That hair! Ground control to Major Tom! Now I believe in Modern Love! Ziggy play guitar? I think there was a study once about how 60% of the girls in America lost their virginity solely from watching David Bowie in this movie. Though it's got to be a little wonky having someone wave balls in front of your face.
(NCh smirks, knowing the euphemism.)
NCh: Get used to it kids, there's going to be an awful lot of that in this review.
Nostalgia Chick Transcripts | |
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2008: | Pocahontas · Teen Witch · Anastasia · She-Ra: Princess of Power · Hocus Pocus (NCh) · Top 11 Nostalgic Villainesses · Spice World · Top 10 Disturbing and Inescapable Christmas Songs |
2009: | Labyrinth · Thanks for the Feedback: Date with Doug · Thumbelina · Babysitters Club · Spooning with Spoony · Top 11 Embarrassing Nostalgic Dance Crazes · Xanadu · Transformers (NCh) · Armageddon · Bratz · Mulan (NCh) · The Last Unicorn · Earth Girls Are Easy · Disney Princess · Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas (NCh) |
2010: | Dragonheart · The Smurfette Principle · Titanic · My Little Pony · Nella’s (mostly) Unabridged My Little Pony Epic · Showgirls · Blonde Girls Then and Now · An Enchanted Cinder(n)ella Ever After · Grease · Linking Up with Linkara · Lindsay Talks Dune · Thanks for the Feedback: My BFF Nella · Hercules (NCh) · Playing God · Man in the Iron Mask · Dreamworks vs. Disney: Rise of the Eyebrow · Dreamworks vs. Disney: Dualing |
2011: | Thanks for the Feedback: We, Fit · The Fifth Element (NCh) · Kirk vs. Picard · X-Men: The Animated Series (NCh) · Top Ten Evil Nostalgic Characters · Disaster Movies of Roland Emmerich · The Craft · Tron (NCh) · Newsies (NCh) · Les Misérables: The Musical · Jem and the Holograms (NCh) · The Little Mermaid (NCh) · Grease 2 · TLC and the '90s · Top Ten Songs About Sex (from Musicals) · She’s All That · Chick Flicks! Sleepless in Seattle vs. When Harry Met Sally · You've Got Mail · City of Angels · Kate and Leopold · Cruel Intentions · The Lion King (in 3D!) · The Worst Witch · Crossroads · Top Ten Disney Deaths · A Very N'Sync Christmas · The Christmas Shoes · Daria · Top Ten Worst Disney Sequels |
2012: | Top Five LEAST Awful Disney Sequels · What Women Want · Top Ten Hottest Animated Guys · Song of the South · The Adventures of Milo and Otis · The Lorax (NCh) · Sister Act · Baby Whatever - Nostalgic Baby Dolls · Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Movies (of Shame) · Chipmunk Adventure · Freddy Got Fingered · Men in Black · Wild Wild West · Will Smith Was a Rapper, Once... · The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air · Top Boy Bands from the 90's · Lindsay’s Top Eleven Favorite Movies of All Time! (this week) · All Dogs Go to Heaven · Ender’s Game · Supergirl · Cool Runnings (NCh) · The Worst (and Least Awful) Female Superhero Movies · Charlie’s Angels · Cutthroat Island · Top Ten Viral Videos from the Ancient Internet (before YouTube) · Reality Bites · Matilda · Sleepy Hollow · Not Another Breaking Dawn Review |
2013: | The Fellowship of the Ring · The Two Towers · The Return of the King · Return to Me · Lindsay’s Top Ten Favorite Movies of 2012 · Disney Needs More Gay · The Host (2013) · Top Ten Music Videos of the 90′s · The Addams Family · The Mortal Instruments and Young Adult Adaptations · Addams Family Values |
2014: | Top Ten Somewhat Arbitrarily Ranked Worst Movies of 2013 · Top Ten(ish) Favorite Movies of 2013 · Dante's Peak vs. Volcano · Nostalgic Foods of Yore feat. Mara Wilson · Divergent and the Young Adult Movies of 2013 · The Day After Tomorrow · Independence Day vs. War of the Worlds Part 1 · Independence Day vs. War of the Worlds Part 2 · True Lies |
Shorts! | The Goddess of Spring · Betty Boop in Minnie the Moocher · Der Fuehrer’s Face · Red Hot Riding Hood · Coal Black and De Sebben Dwarfs |
Loose Canon | Starscream · Hades, Lord of the Underworld · The Wicked Witch of the West · Captain America (Loose Canon) · Mad Max · Death · King Kong · Nightcrawler · The Jedi · The Jacks of King Kong · Oscar Bait: A History · Phantom of the Opera: Part 1 - Before Broadway · Phantom of the Opera: Part 2 - After Lord Andy · Queen Elizabeth I · Superhero vs. Superhero: A History · Aphrodite · X-Men Dying (And Un-Dying) · Marilyn Monroe · 9/11 · Mystique · Hillary Clinton · Jack the Ripper · Santa Claus |
Lindsay Ellis | Joel Schumacher's Phantom of the Opera · Hercules, Disney's Beautiful Hot Mess · How Three-Act Screenplays Work (and why it matters) · Designing the Other: Aliens on Film · RENT - Look Pretty and Do As Little as Possible · Planting and Payoff - Featuring Mad Max: Fury Road · Are Disney Villains Going Extinct? · Is Beauty and the Beast About Stockholm Syndrome? · Mel Brooks and The Producers' Use of Satire · Why Pocahontas was a Mistake · The Complex Feels of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 · Disney's Revisionist History · The Case for Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame · POTC: Dead Genres Tell No Tales · Stranger Things, IT and the Upside Down of Nostalgia · Dear Stephenie Meyer · Bright: The Apotheosis of Lazy Worldbuilding · My Monster Boyfriend · The Hobbit: An Unexpected Autopsy (1/2) · The Hobbit: Battle of Five Studios (2/2) · The Hobbit: The Desolation of Warners (3/2) · The Ideology of the First Order · That Time Disney Remade Beauty and the Beast · The Death of the Hollywood Movie Musical · YouTube: Manufacturing Authenticity for Fun & Profit! · Product Placement & Fair Use · Death of The Author · Independence Day vs. War of the Worlds · How Aladdin Changed Animation (by Screwing Over Robin Williams) · We Need to Talk About Game of Thrones I Guess · The Last of the Game of Thrones Hot Takes · Woke Disney · How to Get a Book Deal Ten Years or Less · The Most Whitewashed Character Ever · Why is Cats? · Protest Music of the Bush Era · Is Titanic Good, Actually? · Death of the Author 2: Rowling Boogaloo · Into The Omegaverse: How a Fanfic Trope Landed in Federal Court · Addison Cain's lawyer e-mailed me, and it only got worse from there · Why Borat Works Better in 2020 · Tracing the Roots of Pop Culture Transphobia · Mask Off · Reevaluating The Little Mermaid before Disney horks up another live action remake · 9 things I wish I knew before publishing my first novel · Narcissism in the MCU · Love Never Dies: A Magnificent Musical Trashfire Sequel to Phantom of the Opera |
The Whole Plate | Transformers and Film Studies · Auteur Theory vs. Michael Bay · Why is it So Hard to Remember What Happens in Transformers? · Genre · The Lady Robot Problem: Feminist Theory Part 1 · The Male Gaze vs. The Men: Feminist Theory Part 2 · Framing Megan Fox: Feminist Theory Part 3 · Queering Michael Bay · Marxism! |