April 8, 2014
[Note: This episode was released a few months after JonTron's Review of Foodfight!]
(The 2014 opening to the Nostalgia Critic plays, and the episode opens with him opening the door to his house with the lights off. The entire intro is reference to Selina Kyle (Catwoman) from Batman Returns.)
NC: (dazed) Honey, I'm home. (he reaches over to turn the lights on) Oh, I forgot, I'm not married.
(He walks across the room, casually knocking a lamp off the end table, taking his tie off, and heads to the kitchen. He takes his phone out to check his messages, the first one from Tamara Chambers.)
Tamara: Hey, Critic. Heard you're gonna review Foodfight!. Good luck to you, man. I heard the Nazis would've used it if they ran out of bullets.
(The next message comes on, this one from Malcolm Ray while NC opens the refrigerator to get milk.)
Malcolm: Critic, are you sure you wanna review Foodfight!? It's the first movie to ever get a negative percent on Rotten Tomatoes.
(NC opens the milk jug and tosses the cap away, drinking straight out of the bottle. Another message comes on, being an automated advertisement voiced by Doug)
Voice (Doug): Hello, Nostalgia Critic. This is the Irony Grocery Store. We were hoping to indulge your nervous breakdown by advertising a series of trigger products. Mr. Clean, Mrs. Buttersworth, and StarKist Tuna are all on sale this week. Irony Grocery. A division of Threshold Entertainment.
(NC screams and throws the milk across the room, having a nervous breakdown. He picks his phone up and smashes it to pieces, throwing it aside. He picks up the DVD for Foodfight, breaking it apart in the sink and stuffing it into the drain before turning the disposal blade on, destroying it even more as he watches with a sadistic smile. He then starts picking up products like StarKist Tuna, Twinkies, Vlasic Pickles, Mr. Bubble and Hawaiian Punch. We're now in the basement continuing NC's breakdown as he lays all the products down, including a bottle of Mr. Clean. He opens the pickle jar and pours them all over before picking up a frying pan and going to town on them, alternating between laughing and crying. NC takes a bite out of some Twinkies, then spits them out.)
NC: Wait! They want me to do that, huh?!
(He continues the Batman Returns re-enactment, smacking the pan on the items before laying on the floor, crying in a fetal position. Cut to one hour earlier. NC is quite normal and poking on his phone, seeing the messages asking him to review Foodfight!)
NC: What the hell is Foodfight!? (he turns around and he's in another room) And why does everyone want me to review it?
(Inside the room are Malcolm and Tamara in lab-coats. Tamara's typing on the computer in a rather weird way.)
Malcolm: Well, according to our research, Foodfight! is one of the worst - if not the worst - animated film of all time.
NC: Worst? Like worst worst?
Tamara: It only came out last year, but it seems to be growing an underground following at a surprisingly rapid rate.
Malcolm: If our data serves correctly, this flop could be as popular as The Room and Birdemic combined. It could easily be the next big thing.
(Tamara pokes on her phone.)
Tamara: Only a few online critics have reviewed it so far, which means its potential can still be milked like a lactating Clarabelle Cow.
NC: Wait a minute. So you're saying that if I jump aboard the bandwagon before it even becomes a bandwagon, I can be one of the front-runners of the bandwagon?
(*KA-CHING!* NC grins from ear to ear as his face appears on the $100 bill.)
NC: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna be at the center of one of the most popular bad animated films of all time.
Tamara: I wouldn't be too hopeful, Critic. Here's a video of the last person who tried to review this movie.
(She presses a button and we're treated to a bench in front of a brick wall. A body then falls and hits the ground from above)
NC: Oh, I'm sure he's fine. Keep checking those numbers. It's the least you can do to indulge the brilliant, intellectual minds I've decided to write for you all of a sudden.
(Malcolm and Tamara chew on the ends of glasses, even when they're already wearing some, while Tamara types again, soon just running her fingers along the keyboard. NC sits down at his table.)
NC: Well, it's a little hard to talk about this piece of shit without addressing its background.
(The poster is shown)
NC (vo): The film was supposed to be sort of the Wreck-It Ralph of food icons, combining copyright characters often seen in grocery aisles. It was also supposed to come out in 2002*. But due to production problems, copyright issues and even somebody stealing the footage--
- Actually Foodfight was supposed to be released in Christmas Eve 2003.
NC: Really? Somebody wanted to steal this?
NC (vo): --the film was tinkered, altered and pushed back to ten years later. But thank God ten years doesn't make a difference to such Hollywood giants like (pictures of) Hilary Duff, Chris Kattan, Eva Longoria, and 24/7 dodger of controversy, Charlie Sheen. (a cuckoo is heard on his picture) I'm sure all these people will be just as big in 2012 as they were in 2002.
(Clip from Looney Tunes cartoon The Ducksters)
Man: YOU'LL BE SORRY!
(The IMDb page is shown, focusing on the budget.)
NC (vo): There's even reports that apparently, $65,000,000 went into making this stinker. $65,000,000?!
NC: Well, maybe it'll be like Waterworld, where, at the very least, the size and scale of the production can be impressive. So, let's find out by taking a look at Foodfight.
(We cut to a grocery store at night.)
Old woman: Good night, Mr. Leonard. Don't work too late now.
Leonard (Edward Asner): Just closing up. Nothing much happens around here after dark.
(The animation quality speaks for itself, people. It is....shit)
NC (vo): $65,000,000, folks! Clearly the money is on the screen. By God, look at this! How could that amount of money go into something that so shitty-looking?! Wa...was somebody actually deranged enough to team up (pictures of) Uwe Boll and Tommy Wiseau as this film's budget accountants? The money laundering from this must be a loophole black hole! (A black hole appears and sucks the pictures up.) So we see his store closing down for the night called Marketopolis Market--
NC: Redundant much redundant?
NC (vo): --when the real world opens up inside. (the shopping aisles turn into a city) I'm not exactly sure how this works, if the store actually transforms at night or Marketopolis is a...state of being, but this world exists and can only be described as what your nightmares would look like if they never rendered properly.
Frog: I am so excited-- (....and he blasts a loud fart) Uh-oh.
NC (vo): And at the foreground of this world is Charlie Sheen's character, Dex Dogtective.
(A group of four hamsters charge at Dex, who is on the top of a hot air balloon, and pulls out a wedge of cheese.)
Dex: Hey, hairless hamsters. Want some of this?
(He tosses the cheese off the blimp they're standing on.)
Hamsters: Cheese! (They soon realize they're hovering in the air and try to flap back, only to fall.)
Yellow hamster: Uh-oh!
NC (vo): And I know what you're thinking: "Boy, have the Ratchet & Clank games really gone downhill." But actually, it's just Dex saving a bunch of kittens from a villain (a giant rat) that, like in most bad movies, won't connect to anything else in the plot.
Fat Cat: It is you, the great Dex Dogtective, who's about to take a fall!
Dex: If I had a raisin for every time I heard that one.
Fat Cat: My mother would be so ashamed.
Dex: Okay, it's just you and me, Fat Cat. Now fork--
NC (vo): Wait a minute. What was that character's name?
Dex: Listen up, Fat Cat Burglar, I'm giving you one last chance--
NC (vo): Okay, first of all, Disney, (a picture of Fat Cat appears), sue something! Second, is the movie actually so stupid that it can't tell the difference between a rat and a cat?! I mean, look at that thing! It's so fucking obviously a rat! $65,000,000 and they can't even tell the difference between a rat and a cat?!
NC: Isn't it kind of a no-brainer that you don't give $65 million to a person who would fail a Fisher-Price Barnyard Animals game?
(Cut to Malcolm dressed as a kid pressing the lever on a Spin 'N Say.)
Spin 'N Say: (voiced by Doug) A kitty cat goes...
NC: Give him all our money! Clearly we're dealing with artistic genius here!!
Malcolm: I pooped myself!
NC: Give him an extra grand for that.
NC (vo): So the kittens are saved by McGruff the Crap Dog--
NC: For the record, I was also considering Indiana Bones.
NC (vo): --and he heads on over to, what else, his sassy black sidekick.
Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady): Chill, dog!/Who you think you talking to?/Relax, bro!/Ooh, pizza!/Now I told you, dog!/Great idea!/You my man!
NC (vo): (reading the caption) Brought to You by the Leftover Racism from Transformers 2. (normal) That's Wayne Brady as this...frightening combination of teeth and fever dreams, who gets excited that Dex is going to ask his sweetheart to marry him. Who's his sweetheart? (Cut to Sunshine Goodness, who is a human girl with cat ears.)
Sunshine Goodness: I knew you'd find me.
(NC is quite freaked out by her as he drums his fingers rapidly on the desk and recoils back.)
NC: The fuck is that?!
NC (vo): That...scariness is apparently Sunshine Goodness, played by Hilary Duff, a cat mascot for raisins created by a designer who clearly has to ask himself more questions about his sexuality.
Sunshine: Hungry, tough guy?
Dex: Are ya kiddin'?
Sunshine: How about we get Chef Boyardee to make us a huge feastamungus dinner?
NC (vo): And yes, I, too, realize she looks much more like a human and practically nothing like a cat.
NC: Are cats hard to draw? (pictures of Fat Cat Burglar and Sunshine appear put next to each other) Did a cat snub you at a party, so you refuse to portray them on any form of film?
NC (vo): The idea of them married gets Daredevil Dan so touched that he cries pellets.
(Daredevil Dan is actually crying chocolate tears though they do look like pellets.)
NC: ...I don't know.
NC (vo): But Sunshine has to head out before Dex can pop the question.
Sunshine: Don't worry! It'll just be a minute! Save my ice cream. I'll be right back, okay? (She gives him a kiss on the cheek and hops off.)
NC: Yeah, I'm just gonna put this on you. (He slaps a sticky note over Sunshine saying "KIDNAP ME!!!") We all know that's pretty much what you're saying.
NC (vo): Sure enough, she does disappear, and six months later, Dex gives up the dogtective business and decides to open up a club called the Copa Banana. While that's going on, a salesperson, played by Christopher Lloyd, comes in and... (we take another trip into the Uncanny Valley as, at the supermarket, Mr. Clipboard comes in and approaches Leonard, acting like a puppet being controlled by a handicapped puppeteer) WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?!
Mr. Clipboard: I'm your new Brand X representative.
Leonard: I wasn't expecting any new products.
Mr. Clipboard: Your c-c-c, c-c-c, (he smacks himself on the head with the clipboard) customers won't know how they lived without Brand X.
NC (vo): Okay, this went from "Submitting a stick figure to an art museum" embarrassing to "Shitting your pants in front of Pixar, claiming it's your magnum opus" embarrassing... (A made-up poster for Cars 3 is displayed) ...though we'll see how that turns out...but what the fuck's going on here?!
Mr. Clipboard: Ohh-ho-ho-ho, I'll make space./It's practically addictive./Survival of the fittest, Leonaaaaard!
NC (vo): Was it really somebody's dream to give a personality to (picture of) Mask #5 [Grumpy] from The Dark Knight? W-would you trust a guy if he was selling something and looked and acted like this?
(Cut to Tamara looking over some papers when Doug walks in dressed like Mr. Clipboard, moving in the same jerky way, as he flails his arms, casts disturbing facial expressions, and has audio that is out of sync.)
Clipboard (Doug): Good evening, madam. Can I interest you in my product? It's called Evil Poison Bites Death.
Tamara: Um, I'm sorry, that doesn't seem like a product I'd be interested in.
Clipboard (Doug): Oh, come now. It'll provide your business with the wholesome, attractive image of Satan's anus that it so desperately needs.
Tamara: I'm going to knee you in the crotch if you don't leave right now.
Clipboard (Doug): That's just what the Jehovah's Witness said! (She warned him. Clipboard gets kneed in the crotch and he falls to the floor.) Be honest. I came on too strong, didn't I? (And he gets another kick.) Oh!
(Cut back to the movie.)
NC (vo): So the grocery store owner, of course, agrees to such a puppy dog-looking man, and Brand X begins to be brought into the store. Back in Sam and Max Hit the Sauce, we see Dex makes his way to Casa de Cameo, which is the hangout for big name icons like Mr. Clean, Charlie the Tuna, and the California Raisins. The funny thing is, the people who obviously said "no" to using their product icons in this movie all have really ugly, really bitter substitutes, that, I guess are trying to stick it back to the people who denied the use of their image. Like, this (a fat lady with fruits on her sombrero) is their version of Chiquita Banana.
Lola Fruitola (Yes, seriously) (Shelley Morrison): Do I look like the Dairy Queen to you?
NC (vo): And this (a scene with some random gnomes crashing a plane into a maple tree) is obviously supposed to be the Keebler Elves...
Gnome 1: I hate you!
Gnome 2: I'll sue!
Gnome 3: You did!
NC (vo): The Brawny Man...
(We see two rugged looking guys sissy fighting each other.)
Not-Brawny Man: Stop it! Stop it! No, that hurts!
(We then see a flying vampire bat thing, named Vlad Chocool.)
NC: And gee. A chocolate cereal vampire? I wonder who that's supposed to be. (Count Chocula)
Vlad (Larry Miller): Chocolate vampire. Used to have cards.
Dex: You're looking pretty good for biting it.
NC (vo): Most of them are portrayed as either stupid, ugly, or not very helpful. It's kinda like the movie's way of saying, "Oh, yeah! You missed out, guys! You, too, could have been in a movie where farting is the highlight and people trip into other people's butts!"
NC: I think we know who the losers are in this deal!
(Another quick shot of the farting frog.)
NC: Give him another grand.
NC (vo): And I guess the representative of Brand X in this world is Lady X, a supposedly sexy seductress with the dead lifeless eyes of a plastic blow-up doll and a personality just as interesting to match.
Dex: Of all the produce bars in all the supermarkets in all the world, she had to walk into mine. (clearly ripping off Casablanca here shamelessly)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. Every scene that has Dex in it has to end in a bad pun. And I know what you're thinking, "Oh, Nostalgia Critic, you say that about everything!" But no! Literally, every scene ends with a bad pun!
Dex: Time to banana-split out of my club!/My problems are just a hill of coffee beans./Let's snap, crackle, and pop out of here./How the Ho-Hos can this be happening?/I don't know if I can cut the mustard./I've got a bone to pick with this guy./Holy chips!/It sure does a body good.
NC (vo): Some of them don't even make a lick of sense!
Dex: Let's strawberry jam out of here!
(The Critic lets out a silent "What?")
NC (vo): The only thing more demeaning than that is all the sexual innuendos. Oh, yeah! There's a ton of those in this, too!
Lady X (Eva Longoria): I wanna scrub your bubbles, Dex.
Sunshine: It really warms my heart the way you love my raisins.
Daredevil Dan: She's got a real sweet tooth for chocolate!
Dex: You already eat through to his hollow center?
Daredevil Dan: Are those melons real?
Dex: There are some stains you can never wash out.
Daredevil Dan: Dan's your man! Melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
NC (vo): Because a movie like this clearly needs that adult edge for the audience they're obviously going for.
Lady X: What can I say? Chicks dig chocolate.
NC (vo): Like there's some grown-up somewhere watching this movie with their kids saying, "Hmm. Well, I was gonna turn this off and not expose my child to such a piece of shit, but then it acknowledged that I'm a pervert in a way my kid won't understand. [beat] This movie gets me!" The innuendos are so many and so strange, you have to wonder if the director had some sort of other sexual agenda on his mind...
Lady X: (now dressed like...a Catholic schoolgirl) Crying over spilled milk?
NC (vo): THIS IS A FETISH FILM! Between the innuendos, the cat lady, and the fact that every outfit this woman wears even a dominatrix would say is too silly...
NC: Fetish film!
(He stamps the words on the screen. We cut back to Lady X's schoolgirl outfit, complete with plaid skit, tie and gloves.)
NC (vo): By the way, plaid gloves? Really? The design is so weird, it created the illusion that her hands are on backwards. On top of that, it looks like her arm is melting into (an insert picture of...) Al Borland's shirt. Is this actually a popular thing and I just never noticed?
Dex: You've been through the wash plenty. I can see it in your eyes.
NC (vo): So Dex starts to notice something along with stereotype #20 here--
(Said stereotype is a large, Italian-ish moose, named Maximillus Moose.)
Maximillus: Are youse sayin' what I think youse is sayin?
NC: Hey! What's youse Italians getting upsets aboutses?
(Ironically, Doug was born in Naples, Italy. Granted, it was on an American naval base there, but still...)
NC (vo): --That being that Lady X is starting to rub out the other characters.
Fox Mascot: Oh, you have to help me, Dex! Before I go bald!
(Mr. Clean suddenly appears, looking kinda sad as he rubs his bald head.)
Fox Mascot: Not that bald isn't beautiful!
Dex: I don't get involved.
NC (vo): Really? Mr. Clean showed up just for that one joke? He wasn't even around for the rest of the scene! And suddenly, he appears when he says the word 'bald'. (as we see the scene progress, Mr. Clean remains in the background) And, now he's just stuck there. Look at him! He's just standing around like, "Uh, is there anything else you wanted me to do? Was I really just a pawn in your lame-ass little punchline? I have a Ph.D. in Physics! Perhaps I can educate the young children watching about fluid or solid mechanics or...or I'll just look over here. Yeah, I'm sure I'll show up when you make another boob joke. Shouldn't take long." (Back to the movie) So Dex decides it's time to get some answers from the streets.
(As Dex walks, he looks down and...a long brown snake-like thing with a face appears between his legs. Yeah.)
Cheasel T. Weasel: (voiced by the film's director, Lawrence Kasanoff) Everybody seems to be searching for...
NC: Oh, my God, his dick's talking! His dick's talking! THAT'S IT! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER....
(It turns out it's just a weird creature who can move his neck like he's Flex Armstrong.)
NC: Tell me you wouldn't be shocked if they went that direction.
Cheasel T. Weasel: But this dish is extra spicy.
(Dex says nothing. He barely even changes his expression. He only reacts by moving his arms.)
NC (vo): Yeah, something else you'll notice is the motion-capture arm acting. I guess because the expressions in this movie are...non-existent, all the acting comes through how much the characters awkwardly wave their arms. It's like watching C-3PO have a seizure! But even he somehow would have more expression on his face than these guys!
Fox Mascot: Not that bald isn't beautiful!
NC (as C-3PO): R2-D2, where are you?
NC (vo): So Dex and Dan go and get some answers from--you won't believe this--another scary demon of Hell!
(Said demon is Dr. Si Nustrix, who happens to have a VERY big nose and a tendency to be right up close to the screen. He's also voiced by James Arnold Taylor using his oh-so-annoying Johnny Test voice.)
Dr. Nustrix: Brand X?!?
NC (horrified): GOD!!!!
Dr. Nustrix (spazzing out): No, no, how about Dr. Pepper? Doctor!/ANYBODY BUT...
NC (covers his eyes): I'm just gonna close my eyes and pray it goes away........
Dr. Nustrix (still spazzing): Brand X! Brand X!/DAYTIIIIIIIME!
NC (peeks through his fingers): No. It only got worse.
(The "good" doctor then sneezes and flies backwards, sending gallons of snot out of his nose towards the camera. Yes, that happens, too.)
NC (vo): Well, at least they're not pulling the ultimate insult by giving him a stereotypical Jewish accent.
Dr. Nustrix (complete with accent): But it's in the expiration station! At the other end of the store. You'd never make it there before the supermarket opens!/IT'S DAYTIIIIIIIME!!!
(The Critic looks completely unamused.)
NC: Are there any other groups you'd like to insult? I mean, the human race is so vast and full of variety, I'm sure you can find the blackface of every single person on the planet! In fact, why even focus on a group? Why not just show us ugliness? In any shape and form! You're good at that!
(We see Dex and Dan get into shenanigans around the supermarket)
NC (vo): Don't even give a reason. Just use it in this scene where they now physically exist in the store, again adding no continuity to how the fuck this world works, and just throw in whatever terrible, ungodly thing comes out of your head...
(Be careful what you wish for. We see Dex and Dan in the supermarket trolley carried by a fat lady, whose face has the sight of what can only described as Arnold-baby and Loki-baby's lovechild. Scary music plays as the Critic starts to freak out.)
NC (scared): WHAT?! WHAT?!? WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAAAAT?! (We see the scene continue as Dex and Dan are chased around the scary lady and her equally scary baby.) Oh, my God, I get it! I totally get it now! This movie is punishment for me to repent all the terrible things I've done in my life! All right! If it will stop you from scaring the living animal Jesus out of me, I'll confess! I'LL CONFESS! I was the one who cancelled Firefly! I was the one who encouraged Fred to be an online series! I was the one who told Taco Bell to make a breakfast menu! I was the one who told John Travolta how to pronounce Idina Menzel! I was the one getting rid of the cartoons on Cartoon Network! JUST TAKE ME OUT OF THIS SCENE!!!
(Dex and Dan fly away from that...thing, ending the scene. The Critic is relieved, but still really spooked out.)
NC: I think we need a break. Here's some commercials. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF THEM!
(We mercifully reach the commercial break, which isn't really much, but nevertheless we come back from it.)
NC (vo): So they come across a mascot who's a chocolate vampire for a chocolate cereal. Clearly, this is supposed to be Cap'n Crunch.
Vlad: I am the undead, alright? The undead, no, you're not dead, but your not living either, it's sorta like being in summer school. (Laughs) Come on, that's funny. Now that's funny. Let's not lose our senses of humor.
NC: (looking unimpressed): You'd have to have one before you can lose it.
NC (vo): So they decide to get the brands together to stop the evil Lady X and her Brand X army. But not before her head of the guards tries to shut down the Coca Banana.
Lt. X: And unless you'd care to suffer the wrong, cruel expiration, you will sing your allegiance to Brand (crosses his arms into an X) X!
NC (vo): Oh, no, they got Tim Curry* in on this, too! Why, Tim, why? (Voicing over Lt. X and sounding like Curry) I was seeing if I could do anything more demeaning than saying "Ducks Rock". It was a very clear sign that I can.
- NOTE: It's actually famous voice actor Jeff Bennett as Lt. X.
(Lt. X claps his hands, prompting his troops to chant along.)
Brand X Army: (monotone) Brand X, Brand X, it's simple and plain. Brand X, Brand X, it's different but all the same.
NC (vo): But Dex comes in and starts singing their triumphant song--
(La Marseillese begins to play.)
NC (vo): The French national anthem.
(The icons start their chant in opposition to the Brand X army.)
Icons: (singing) The honor USDA/We fight for freedom everyday!
Brand X Army: Brand X, Brand X, it's simple and plain.
Icons: (singing) We protect and proudly serve ourselves.
NC (vo): Gee. This scene looks familiar. In a way that unless you saw the original movie, this would make absolutely no sense whatsoever (referring to Casablanca). And it's extremely unlikely that any little kid would have seen this movie, so this probably makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. If you haven't guessed it yet, they're clearly paying homage to (cut to footage from...) Barb Wire. Look, I know it's Pamela Anderson's greatest performance, but it's unlikely most children have viewed its genius!
(Back to the singing icons.)
Icons: (singing) Throughout all the land, we proudly serve ourselves!
(A crowd cheering is heard. Cut to Casablanca.)
Yvonne: Vive la France! Vive la democratie!
NC (vo): So he comes back with a bigger army and it looks like their battle has just begun.
Dex: Come and get me, baby!
Lady X: He's on the roof! Get him!
(The Brand X army marches into position, with all the soldiers waving their arms in unison as they step.)
NC (vo; as Soldiers): Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands!
(The words flash on the screen in time with the chanting. The army then tries to rope their way to the roof. But the icons fight them back by pouring poorly rendered hot chocolate on the soldiers.)
NC (vo, in full sarcasm mode): Wow. Absolutely outstanding detail. Surely, they must have asked Pixar to do this breathtaking work of genius.
NC: Actually, they did. And after reading the script, not only did they send this (we see the scene again) terrible animation as a joke, but they also attached a hand-written note saying "Go fuck yourselves!", signed by John Lasseter (we see the Photoshopped note). But the director was so lazy, he used the clip anyway.
(Back at the movie, the *ahem* food fight continues as pies are launched at the Brand X soldiers, again poorly rendered for your displeasure.)
NC (vo): And wow. Look at this amazingness! Surely, they must have asked Dreamworks to have this incredible work done!
NC: Actually, they did! And after they read the script, they sent them this spit-in-the-face render, while also sending out (cut to...) a picture of [Steven] Spielberg, [Jeffrey] Katzenberg and [David] Geffen all mooning the camera and giving the finger! But again, the director was too lazy, so he used the clip anyway!
(The battle continues as all the icons throw fruit at the soldiers.)
NC (vo): And wow! Unbelievable wow! Surely, such epic magnitude must have been asked to be done by Blue Sky Studios.
NC: Actually, THEY DID! And they asked if they could turn it into a horrible franchise. (Beat) Don't be shocked if you see this coming soon to a theater near you.
(Cut to a poster promoting "Ice Age meets Rio meets Foodfight!" with characters from all three movies. Meanwhile at the movie, the icons continue to throw things at the Brand X army, including Twinkie the Kid.)
NC (vo): Hey, look! There's the Twinkie guy! I'm sure he's gonna do something really big and really important coming up. After all, (we see the movie's poster) he is one of the biggest characters on the poster! Along with these other icons you barely seen in this movie. Hell, Dex and Sunshine are 1/3 of their size. Surely, all of them are gonna get together and do something huge in the movie's climax! Like...say nothing, pretty much do nothing, and take a back seat to graphics worse than the "Money for Nothing" video. And...okay! A lot of you might be shouting "That's phenomenal false advertising in a movie that is absolutely nothing but advertising." But this is incredibly common in even good films. Heck, I once saw a Star Wars poster where the main focus was the mouse droid! (We see the Star Wars Episode IV poster with a mouse droid front and center. The text below the Star Wars logo read 'Yes, THIS is the One with the Mouse Droid!') And we all know what a gigantic part he played, right?
NC: The movie would have been nothing without him.
(Back to the movie, the food fight rages on.)
Lady X: Run while you can, Dex Dogtective! For soon, I'll have you sitting up and begging for mercy. (She raises one leg onto the railing in front of her.) Excabites, fly!!! (From our perspective, it looks like the droids are coming out of that place where the sun don't shine. The Critic is confused at first, then he rolls with it.)
NC: Launch out of my vag! There's enough fetish fuel in this movie for EVERYBODY!
NC (vo): Dan and the others try taking flight to stop her as Dan--
(We see Dan taking a bath in his cockpit for no reason.)
NC (vo): --is just doing stuff you don't do on an airplane. It doesn't connect with anything at all, it's just...stuff.
(Dan then hypnotizes himself to sleep. A few moments later, he's meditating, floating above the airplane with candles floating alongside him.)
Dan: (meditating chant) M&M. Chocolate...
NC (stunned): Look! (points to the film's poster) Here's a $65 million comedy. Perhaps you'd like to do something funny with it.
NC (vo): So Dex makes it to Lady X's headquarters and discovers--big fucking shock--that she was behind Sunshine's disappearance the whole time.
Lady X: I'll just leave you to it.
(Lady X leaves the scene, leaving Dex to have a fight scene with Lt. X while Sunshine remains tied up. Somehow, her hands get freed up during the fight.)
Sunshine: Raisins, Dex!
NC (vo): Sunshine gets her hands untied, throws a raisin to Dex which he uses as a weapon, so he can untie the hands we clearly just saw she untied herself.
(Lt. X gets hit by the weapon.)
Lt. X (dazed): Well, this isn't very much fun, is it? I think I just wet myself. It feels rather nice.
(On that creepy note, he passes out. Cut to a freaked out Critic.)
NC: Fet - ish - Mo - vie.
(The words appear on screen as he says it. Meanwhile, Dex and Sunshine are reunited.)
Dex: I'm sorry. I thought you were...
Sunshine: I'm here. We're together! I never stopped believing in you, Dex.
(Due to the horrible animation, Sunshine's eyes never move during the scene.)
NC (vo): Uh, did she go blind since the last time we saw her? I don't think she's looked him in the face once during this scene.
Sunshine: I never stopped believing in you, Dex.
NC (as a blind Sunshine): It is Dex, right? Unless Scooby-Doo took steroids and somehow fought his speech impediment!
(Meanwhile, Mr. Clipboard from earlier suddenly appears.)
NC (vo): But the spastic '80s rocker enters their world--or was he always part of the world, or is he sometimes in their world and sometimes not, or is this all just some sort of unique punishment program they use in The Matrix? (quick cut to Neo waking up in the real world) -- and the entire town decides they have to bring him down. (Mr. Clipboard gets tripped and falls) And now, finally, we learn the big disturbing shocking twist! The villain of the movie this whole time was... (Mr. Clipboard's robotic face opens up to reveal...) the villain of the movie. (...Lady X).
Dex: So you built yourself a human robot and recalled Sunshine, then you stole her essence to make your elixir for Brand X.
M. Night Shyamalan: ...No. Just, just...no.
Lady X: All anyone ever wanted was that sweet Sunshine goodness. No one ever bought my beautifully genetically giant prunes!
Dex (suddenly moving around): But how did you get in and out of the store? You're an Ike! [In this movie, ike = icon]
NC (dancing): Perhaps if I do more ballerina twirls, the answer will become clear.
Lady X: When you look like this, you can get them to do anything. But enough about me, let's kill you!
(Lady X and Dex start to fight.)
NC (vo): So we partake in more sex puns--
Dan: Tell me something, are those melons real?
NC (vo): --some horrible CGI fighting--
(Sunshine and Lady X are now fighting, Lady X's face doesn't change a single expression. $65 million...down the shitter.)
Sunshine: You're not so tough now!
NC (vo, unenthusiastically): Look out. You almost convinced me of the illusion of animation -- And we quite literally have a cat fight between the two attractive women of the film.
Sunshine: The bimbo's mine! Get ready, lady, 'cause I'm gonna kick you where the sun don't shine!
(The scene continues as described by "The Film's Writer", portrayed by Doug in a Douchey McNitpick-type voice, while wearing a messy wig and a Hawaiian shirt, who is typing this story at his computer.)
Writer: "And then, the hot furry chick kicks the ass out of the hot dominatrix, all while the men make wicked funny jokes about her melons!" (he snorts a giggle) That's so funny! "And then, she gets turned into an ugly woman, proving once and for all that if you're an ugly woman, no good can come out of you!" [beat] Oh, and there's, uh, something having to do with Mr. Twinkie, Mr. Clean, and a bunch of other products, but who cares?! It's done! It's finished!! My magnum opus for the Horny-Furry-S&M-Cat Fight-Boxing Fan Fiction Forum is finally completed! All I have to do is submit it. (He happily clicks the send button. Then he reacts in horror.) OH, NO! I just sent it to my big shot agent in Hollywood! I'm RUINED! (His computer beeps. He then looks at his screen confused at the private message that has come in.) Why the hell do they want $65 million for it?
Dan: Sunshine chipslapped her back to ugly!
(Everyone recoils in horror at the true form of Lady X.)
Lady X: All I ever really wanted was you! Well, you and world domination.
Dex: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Spam.
(NC is just facepalming at that sentence, as we probably are.)
NC: You know what just hit me? This is the movie that turned Charlie Sheen insane. I mean, really think about it. The timelines add up.
(Clips of the Charlie Sheen interview as well as Foodfight are shown, along with the caption "The Sheen Interview: Claims Foodfight replaced his brain with 'cancer pizza' ".)
NC (vo): He constantly had to be called back for redos, and if you had to return to this for ten fucking years in a row, wouldn't it kind of make sense that you would start talking like this?
Charlie Sheen: It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.
NC: Good job, Foodfight. Good job.
NC (vo): So Sunshine agrees to marry Dex, a last minute message is thrown in for no reason...
Dex: We saved each other, because the secret is inside. Inside all of us!
NC (vo): Whatever that means...and just when you think you're allowed to flee this cauldron of eye rape, they decide there's so much more funny they need to get out!
(Dex and Sunshine are dancing.)
Sunshine: I wanna see what's under that hat! (She pulls it off, only for there to be the exact same hat underneath)
Dex: I love you, kitten!
NC: Hilarious. So that was Foodfight--
(The movie interrupts him.)
Moose: You know, for a minute there, I almost felt a tear!
Frog: Why are you afraid to express your emotions?
(The two look around, then cry into each other's arms.)
NC: Charming. So that was Foodfight--
Polar Penguin (Chris Kattan): I'm warm! I'm warm! Nope, I'm still a little cold!
NC: Nicely done. So that was Foodfi--
Lola: You really cut the cheese on that--
(NC can't take it anymore!)
NC: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP!! Every second you speak is killing something I used to love inside of me! Will you please just shut up!? GOD!!!!! This is awful! IT'S AWFUL! I'd much rather read the credits like I'm reading a memorial (an edited picture of the Vietnam War Memorial, acted as memorial for all those involved with this movie) of all the poor people who gave their life to this horribleness! All adding up to shit! $65 million of SHIT!
(Footage of the movie plays out as NC finally gets to his final thought)
NC (vo): And you know what? The price of the movie doesn't matter. Okay, yeah, it does. A lot. But the point I'm trying to make is whether it was made for $65 million or just $65, there is nothing to be proud of in this movie. Everybody should be ashamed for even acknowledging it exists. I feel like Beelzebub's ballsack just for drawing attention to it! The animation is the worst; they never look alive. The jokes are the worst; they never once get a laugh. The characters are the worst; they're all just stereotypes of stereotypes. The plot is the worst; it's a joke. Literally! It's all written as a joke, but one with no good setup or punchline! It is one of the worst pieces of commercialized dog shit I have ever seen in my entire life! And given the roundup of movies I've done over the years, that's saying a lot!
NC: In fact, I don't think human hands could've made it. I think something much more horrendous and disrespectful had to pull its energy together and make something so awful! (A horrible thought comes to his mind.) My God. I just figured it out! The horrible CG animation, the awful stereotypes, the tremendously unfunny humor, the fact that everything in this movie is just despicably awkward and unnatural! MY GOD!!! I KNOW WHO DIRECTED THIS FILM!!
Jar Jar: Mesa need muy more fart jokes! Lotsa more fart jokes! Thisa gonna bea greata for the Foodfight-a Two-a!
(NC opens up his Action Movie FX app on his phone.)
NC: From Hell's motherfucking heart, I stab at thee!
(He presses a button and launches a Call of Duty missile barrage.)
Jar Jar: Waits a minute.
(With a scream, Jar Jar is then bombed off the face of the Earth. NC sighs like a great weight has been lifted off of him.)
NC: It is done. (he puts his phone down) But the evil will never truly go away. This is the worst animated film I have ever seen. Hands down, no comparison. Its scars are left deep inside of me. Why did I do it? For you. I did it for you. Because I know that I have seen the worst. I know that no other form of animation will ever be worse than Foodfight. And because of that, I know for a fact that this film will forever in the history books always be seen as--
(Cut back to the lab.)
NC: (incredulously) Passé!?
(Tamara's now typing with plaid gloves like Lady X.)
Malcolm: Yup, since you started the review, the movie's popularity has already died out.
NC: But that was a fucking half hour ago!
Malcolm: Well, that's practically five years in Internet time.
Tamara: Yes, people knew it was gonna be the next popular thing to mock.
Malcolm: So they decided not to mock it at all.
NC: Wait, so the popularity of something can fade even before it becomes popular?
Malcolm: Mm-hmm. We call it the Hipster Effect.
Tamara: Knowing something is going to be ironically cool suddenly makes it traditionally cool.
Malcolm: So to be ahead of the curve, they decided to not even make it ironically cool.
Tamara: Hell, even thinking about it probably cuts its lifespan in half.
(NC sighs and looks down.)
NC: So you're telling me sitting through all this misery, the worst animated film of all time, was...?
Malcolm: A complete waste of time.
Tamara: Sorry, buddy.
(NC's even more depressed.)
NC: And there's nothing I can do about it?
Malcolm: Not unless you somehow wanna do a review of the Attorney General of Crimea.
Tamara: She is on fire right now! (Tamara presses a key and a clip of Natalia Poklonskaya is shown.) Oh, she is adorable!
Malcolm: Oh, I just wanna eat her up!
Tamara: Oh, look, she smiled!
(NC sadly leaves the room.)
Malcolm: She's like the Jennifer Lawrence of warfare.
Tamara: (giggles) I just wanna pinch her cheeks, but I respect her.
(NC goes home, picking up where we started this madness. NC's still lying in a fetal position, traumatized that all his hard work was for nothing.)
NC: To all those critics foolish enough to think they can review Foodfight, I won't lie to you about your chances. You have my sympathies. It will not leave you the same way it found you. Its scars run deep. If there is anyone out there... damn insane enough to try and take on this film... all I have to say is... be strong... be brave... (grave whisper) bewaaaaaare...!
(Fade to black and we cut to the credits.)
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Mr. Clipboard: Survival of the fittest, Leonard!