May 26, 2009
(The Critic gives a disappointed look at the camera. Without saying his opening line he goes into the review.)
NC: I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you because, let me tell you. It's not always easy. The stupid ass shit that I gotta sit through is just ... Well, it's not always fun. I mean, a bad movie is one thing. That's like two hours, but to watch episode upon episode of manufactured pwescious shit or "pweshit," as I like to call it. Quite often, it's just more than I can bear. The only upside I have is that I get to share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place. With that said ... Full House.
(Clips from the TV show Full House play with its theme song playing in the background)
NC (vo): For those of you blessed without the knowledge of this show, I'll fill you in. Full House ran in the late 80s and early 90s on ABC's Friday line-up, TGIF, which usually had about four family-friendly sitcoms that always got called back to our depressing reality by ending with 20/20.
NC: Thank you, Hugh Downs!
NC (vo): Full House often started off the lineup with its cutesy-wutesy, non-threatening, as well as non-funny humor and actually ended up lasting for eight seasons. EIGHT SEASONS! THAT IS SHIT! I can't last eight minutes watching this tripe! How the hell did they last eight seasons?!
NC: I mean, it's a genuine mystery! Nobody liked this show, so how the hell did it do so well? Well, let's ... swallow our dignity and try to find out.
NC (vo): So we get a typical mid-80s opening where people at the time just loved to fold their arms, laugh and smile, hoping coincidentally their credits will appear under them while a gender-confused doo-wap band sings about the quirks of life.
(A bit of the theme song plays)
NC: Ah. Those were the days!
NC (vo): I especially love this image of a cutesy scenario going on while we stare at a gigantic prison. If that's not symbolic, I don't know what is. So, what's the story you're pleading me not to tell you? Well, the world's raunchiest family icon, Bob Saget, plays a character named Dan, who just lost his wife to the always horrible ... insert-name-here disease. He lives in San Francisco with his three daughters: DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle, played by the pair of twins often mistaken for talented, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
NC: But raising three girls is tough!
NC (vo): So Dan calls upon a guitar player who is not cool and a comedian who is not funny. The mullet mimbo known as Jesse played by John Stamos, who is also Danny's brother-in-law, and Joey played by Dave Coulier.
NC: And if you think there's anything odd about three prissy guys living in a house with no women, you've clearly never been to San Francisco.
NC (vo): So, how bad is this show? Well, let's take a look at the very first joke of the very first episode.
Grandma: The baby is sleeping like a baby.
NC: And it's all downhill from there.
NC (vo): I mean, I've watched several episodes and not one of these jokes made me laugh. Not ONE. I didn't even giggle at the sheer stupidy of it. Isn't that like statistically impossible? I should've laughed at least once.
NC: But talking about it doesn't help. Let's take a closer look at these characters.
NC (vo): Jesse, for example, is a tough guy. Well, as tough as a pile of Fonzie hand-me-downs can look.
Stephanie: Let's play Ballerina.
Jesse: How do you play Ballerina?
Stephanie: Catch me.
Jesse: All right. (Picks her up)
Jesse: Pose. OK
Stephanie: Turn around.
Jesse: Turn around.
Stephanie: On your tippy toes.
Jesse: Tippy toes. Right.
NC: This was written, people!
NC (vo): Joey is a silly comedian, always making wisecracks and punchlines that quite frankly make you want to castrate yourself.
(Clips of Joey's various impressions and sound effects)
NC: You know that guy from the Police Academy movies? The one who did all those incredible sound effects? Dave Coulier is nothing like that guy.
Joey: Hi Michelle. It's me, Kermit the Frog. ... Hi, I'm Pee Wee Herman. Ha ha. Do you want to go to my playhouse? Ha ha.
NC: He's like the man of a thousand and one impressions. And not one of them right.
Joey: (as Bill Cosby) If you move back into the house, you can have a big juicy bowl of jello. Mwa ha ha ha.
NC: (as Cosby) I figure if I imitate a funny successful comedian, I myself may someday become one.
NC (vo): Oh and did I mention he has a puppet of a woodchuck brilliantly named Mr. Woodchuck?
Joey: I'd be nice to hold something warm and cuddly that didn't always talk about wood.
NC: ... ... I'm above that joke.
NC (vo): Then you got Dan. His gimmick, I guess, is that he's just clean.
Danny: OK, Steph. First thing you do when you get to the dance is locate all the fire exits. Keep your eye on your coat the whole time, and if the punch smells funny, don't drink it.
NC (vo): Oh, and he's also a little prissy, too.
Danny: OK, let's face it. I'm a lean mean hugging machine.
NC (vo): OK. He's A LOT prissy. In fact, knowing Bob Saget the way we know him now, this is actually really funny to watch. Anyone who watches Bob Saget's stand-up knows that he is a raunchy, RAUNCHY man. And you know that saying all this family friendly bullshit is probably just killing him.
NC: In fact, let's compare Dan Tanner and Bob Saget for a second, shall we?
Dan: I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother.
Bob: I've banged half of the girls in the room, and that is fucking not true. I've not banged anyone here. I've stuck my pinky in your butts. A couple of you.
Dan: She was devastated. It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes.
Bob: Fuck that shit. No thanks. I'm good. Do not, kids, do not fuck that shit. You'll get an infection. You listen to me.
NC: Dan Tanner. Blow me. Bob. (with Jack Nicholson's Joker from the Batman movie) You ... are my number one... guy!
NC (vo): Then you got DJ, who I have to admit as she got older did get consistently hotter, but that didn't change the fact that she had little to no personality.
DJ: Wow. You have a date and a dress. So far, my prom's looking like a bag of chips and a remote control.
NC: Life is hell.
NC (vo): There's Stephanie also, but she's sort of on the same boat of blandness. Neither characters really make an effort to stand out.
Danny: Stephanie. What are you doing?
Stephanie: Just hanging around.
NC (vo): And then of course, there's the gremlin babies themselves, the Olsen twins as Michelle, who I think literally just had the job of spewing catchphrases.
Michelle: What'll it be, Comet? Kibbles or bits?
Michelle: You're going down!
Stephanie: You're supposed to keep your cards close to your body.
Michelle: You're supposed to keep your eyes close to your head.
NC (vo): I guess this was the character who stole the show or would if there was anything of value to steal. For some reason, the Olsen twins really took off and made a video series that literally transformed them into millionaires. I swear it also transformed them into Barbie dolls, but to be fair, I think the dolls are a little less plastic.
Michelle: You look just like Sleeping Beauty, except you're awake.
NC: The cash cow goes (moo)!
NC (vo): But when it first started out, they were just exploitable babies, and the studio took advantage of every frickin frame they were in. For example, one episode was about changing a diaper. Woo.
Joey: I'll take the south end.
(Histerical applauding as Jesse and Joey carry Michelle down the stairs)
NC: That got an applause, people. That gives you an idea of just what kind of humor they deal with on here.
NC (vo): But that's not the only issue that this show addresses. There's a lot of other gut-wrenching dilemmas that this show dares to challenge like: Who's gonna do the dishes? Is the hammock gonna be put up OK? And of course, who can limbo the lowest?
Michelle: Let's get ready to limbo.
NC: But that's not all. Here's a list of the other episodes to give you an idea of how truly exciting this show was: The First Day of School, The Return of Grandma, Sea Cruise, and Daddy's Home. You know what this is? This is the life of people in...
NC (vo): ...picture frames. No issues. No real dilemmas. Just a series of cuddly inconveniences. This family makes Norman Rockwell look butch. Grow some balls, will you?
(A picture of the Thanksgiving painting is shown with Norman saying "Bitches!" in a speech bubble)
NC (vo): There's other characters who eventually evolved into the show. Like Becky, who fell in love with Jesse and eventually married him. Again, she's pretty dull but I'd be lying if I didn't say she was kind of hot.
Stephanie: We're doing the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Becky: You know, I did that play in junior high. Wasn't a lot of fun, though. Well, I went to an all girls school.
(Boner finger for the Critic)
Becky: In fact, I was Romeo.
(His boner finger starts to dwindle but then straightens back out)
NC (vo): Rather than, I don't know, move out of the house, Jesse and Becky stay together and give birth to twin boys. Yeah, because one pair of annoying, bad acting twins just wasn't enough.
Nicky: You know what he said?
Alex: No. Just keep nodding.
NC: These boys are no actors as you can clearly see. You can practically see the cue cards they're reading off of.
Nicky: You're no fun anymore.
(We see the Critic pointing to the cue card as the line is being said)
NC (vo): There's also DJ's friend, Kimmy, the white female Urkel of the group.
Kimmy: (in a bad Scottish accent which sounds Swedish for some reason) I'm practicing the bagpipes for the Scottish Music Festival after school.
NC: You know every time a joke from Full House is uttered, a poor soul commits suicide.
Kimmy: Don't get your kilt in a knot, McGreasy!
NC: (hearing a gunshot) You see?
NC (vo): There's also DJ's boyfriend, Steve, whose voice you may actually recognize.
Steve: I know exactly how you felt. Like someone punched you in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of you.
Aladdin: Perfect timing, Abu. As usual.
NC (vo): That's right! It's Aladdin, from well Aladdin. That's an interesting bit of trivia for ya. But what the hell is he doing on this show?
NC: I recently caught up with the actor who played this role and asked why him why he took a part in such a godawful show. He had this to say.
Aladdin: (Singing) Gotta eat to live. Gotta steal to eat. Tell you all about it when I got the time.
NC: Yeah. It's from our talk. We flew him in to Chicago to do an audio interview and he chose to answer everything in song...He-- He's quite quirky that way.
NC (vo): Oh and there's also a dog named Comet because this show just wasn't cute enough yet.
NC: All they're missing is a little fairy named Pretty-Prissy Fun Head, and this atom bomb of cuteness will be complete. Set your adorable levels to ten...Uh!
NC (vo): Now most shows often have a theme or pattern, but in Full House's case, it's more like an overused manipulative plot device, and trust me when I say, they have several. Like how about that corny music that would play whenever a speech is being made.
Dan: What is it, honey? (sentimental music plays)
DJ: It's just not fair!
Steve: I didn't even know what love was until I met you. (sappy romantic music plays as DJ smiles)
Michelle: Where's my mom? (sad sappy music plays)
Michelle: (in another scene) How out of it was I? (sappy music plays)
Jesse: You were here, sweetheart, but there was like a part of you was missing.
NC (vo): It's not like the actual emotion of the scene is enough to carry it, so we have to play shitty ass music to let you know when to feel something. God, what I wouldn't give to hear that sappy ass music over a scene that didn't require it.
NC: Stephanie. There's a time in every girl's life when she notices that she's going through some changes. They might seem bizarre or strange to you, but it happens to every young woman. It's called having a period. It's gross, disgusting and unnatural but its something that all females go through. You may see your body as something possessed, horrifying, or despicable, and that's because it is. Stop it. Right now.
NC (vo): But that's not the only pattern. Every single show has a relatively harmless problem that always seems to be solved within a half hour time limit, or in most cases, a one minute speech.
Dan: But you still got me.
Stephanie: You got me, too.
NC: And me.
Linkara: And me.
Benzaie: And me.
ThatChickWithTheGoggles: And me.
AngryJoe: And me.
DJ: I'll move back in.
(Audience applauds as NC wipes a tear)
NC (vo): Yes. You'll often find that the studio audience for this show is very easy to impress. For example, here's what happens every time somebody kisses.
NC: (Gasps) Oh my God. A kiss. That must mean they like each other. I'll bet after they kiss, they'll move on to holding hands. Eeeeee!
NC (vo): So we all know how the show begins, but if you're like me, you're probably wondering how the hell does it all end?
NC: Well, unfortunately, a killing spree isn't involved. However, one of the characters does get injured.
NC (vo): Michelle gets involved in a horse riding competition, as it turns out Dan and another girl's mother get in way over their daughters' achievements.
Morgan (the snobby mother): Could you comb out my little girls?
Dan: I'm a parent. Not a groomer.
Morgan: Oh, I'm sorry. You just have the air of stable help.
NC (as Morgan in a snobby woman voice): Excuse me, I'm Snobby Von PersnicketyBitch!
Dan: I don't know if you saw Michelle riding out there, but if she entered the competition, she could win.
Morgan: Enjoy your little fantasy because in reality, my Elizabeth wins this competition every year.
NC (in the snob voice): Did you know that I eat good for breakfast and regurgitate it as evil? It's a delightful practice.
Morgan: This is why you don't go to public school.
NC (vo): God! These scenes are so bad, even the horse looks like he's suffering. My only wish is that he could talk back to half of these morons.
Dan: You know what, I think you missed a spot. Here, let me get that.
NC (in a horse voice): This is so demeaning. I wish I was glue.
Michelle: What do think, Peppermill? If you like the idea, just stand there.
NC (horse voice): You're an insipid twat.
Michell: He loves it.
Dan: OK, Peppermill. I'm gonna tell you the same thing my beloved track coach told me right before my very first track meet. "Tanner, you keep those water bottles filled."
NC (horse voice): You're humor is like my balls: old and non-functioning.
NC (vo): While that's going on, Jesse and Joey try to put together a show about how they're going in wrestle... (Sees Joey's dumb costume) OK, what mental asylum did this a-hole break out of?
Joey: ...put my foot around your neck like this
NC: (shocked at their suggestive looking wrestling moves) Uh ... This was a family show, right?
NC (vo): So Michelle and the other girl decide to go out and practice when suddenly, tragedy strikes.
NC (horse voice): Off you go, bitch! Free at last! Maybe I can be a stand-in on Seabiscuit.
Girl: She fell off her horse.
Joey: Oh my gosh. What happened?
NC (as Joey): Should I do my Popeye impression?
NC (vo): So Michelle wakes up but unfortunately has a bad case of amnesia. Actually, what am I talking about? That's not unfortunate at all. I wish I had that right now.
Doctor: Well, memory loss is very common with head injuries.
Dan: How long is it gonna last?
Doctor: Usually its just temporary.
NC: One episode. Twenty minutes tops.
NC (vo): So everyone tries to get Michelle to remember who she is. Dan, Jesse, Joe... (Sees him having Mr. Woodchuck whispering in his ears) Seriously, dude, which hospital?
Michelle: So, do you all live in the neighborhood?
NC: No. You're gonna love this.
Becky: We all live in this house.
Michelle: Oh. I hope it's bigger than what it looks from the outside.
NC: Well, through the magic of studio sets, plotholes, and inconsistent writing. Yeah.
NC (vo): So her memory does eventually return in a weird existential moment where the two sisters are finally shown on screen together.*
- Actually they were seen together in 4 episodes.
Michelle's memory: I'm your memory.
Michelle: Where the heck have you been? I've been looking all over for you.
Memory: I hope I didn't cause you any trouble.
NC: Psychology for dummies, by dummies!
NC (vo): Gee, I sure hope there's an overwinded speech with shitty music to close us out.
Jesse: But we stuck it out and we got through.
Joey: Just like we always do.
Danny: Just like we always will.
(The final theme music plays out, and the word "canceled" is posted)
NC: This show was the WORST! It's like if a Hallmark card pissed all over your family album and then somehow mutated into a sitcom. It was never funny, never clever and never endearing. So, why do we keep watching it? Eight seasons?! HELLO! That's a long time to watch untalented acts centered around a pair of unfunny female troll goblins. It's ... almost as if they were sending us subliminal messages or something. In fact, what would happen if you played the Olsen twin's dialogue backwards.
Michelle: You look just like Sleeping Beauty.
Michelle (with a superimposed demonic voice): Watch our shows and make us money.
NC: Oh my god. And what's that say there? What? "Manufactured by Planet..."
(The fake tag continues with "Volplax")
NC: OH MY GOD! The Olsen twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination. I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! This is incredible. The people have to know.
(He frantically runs through his house and suddenly runs into the Olsen Twins, who have now become the evil twins from The Shining)
Olsen Twins: Come play with us, Critic! Come play with us. Come play with us, Critic! Forever and ever and ever and ever.
NC: TWIIIIIIIIIINS! (He shoots them) Hah. I did it. They're dead. Can you believe them? Trying to take over the world?
NC: Of course. Well, seeing as they are in fact dead, I'll just turn around and return to my regular duties ... cause you know, they're dead. It's not like they're going to pop up anywhere, anywhere else especially on my way back to the room. So, I'm just going to make that turn that I talked about just a second ago. And here I go. (Dramatic turn and ... nothing) You see. Nothing there.
Olsen Twins: Uh huh!
NC: So, I'll just go back to work and ... (Stuttering)
(Cut to the Critic waking up from a bad dream).
NC: Oh, it was just a dream all along. Well, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...
(Critic wakes up again)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I ...
(Critic wakes up, yet again)
NC (confused): I ...
(Critic wakes up one more time, extremely freaked out)
NC: You know what I do and you know why I do it.
(He runs out very fast)