February 19, 2014
(We start off with a new version of the opening for the show involving clips from the previous year of episodes before dissolving into the Nostalgia Critic's office.)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to, and I'm a ghost. Yeah, I'm a ghost. Strangest thing. I died last week watching Ghost Dad.
(Cut to the living room as NC douses himself in gasoline while Bill Cosby sounds play in the background. NC lights a lighter and then blows up.)
NC: You would've done the same. But, if there's anything this movie has taught me, it's that death is no reason to stop working. Just keep going on with your everyday life and comedic possibilities will fall in your lap!
(We cut to Malcolm Ray dressed as Gandalf the Grey doing jumping jacks/)
Malcolm: Sarsaparilla good that of more any got more friend hey.
NC: Hey Malcolm, while I'm doing my review, can you do that outside?
Malcolm: Why am I doing this again?
NC: I told you, it's the only way to continue seeing and hearing me as a ghost.
Malcolm: But why? There's no rhyme or reason to it.
NC: I don't know! It just is! Now go back to doing jumping jacks dressed as Gandalf the Great while reciting the dialogue to Big Lebowski backwards. (And he puts another quarter in the Big Lebowski jar. Malcolm goes back to doing jumping jacks and reciting the previous sentence over. Tamara Chambers comes in dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz wearing a sombrero.)
Tamara: And why do I have to be dressed as Sexy Dorothy while wearing a sombrero? (NC sighs and puts his head in his hand.) Why is there even a Sexy Dorothy costume? Who the fuck is turned on by Sexy Dorothy?
NC: I didn't make up the nonsensical rules of the afterlife. I just know that if you two stop doing that, I'll disappear, the review will be over, and both of you will be out of a job. Got it?
Tamara: This is a bunch of bullshit.
NC: A-bu-bu, in your Dorothy voice.
Tamara: Golly gee, Mr. Critic, this sure is a lot of bullshit.
NC: It's but a small price to pay to be in the world of the living. Now away with you. The dead grieve in your presence.
Tamara: I thought I'd like him better dead.
(She and Malcolm leave with him still doing jumping jacks.)
NC: Dorothy voice.
Tamara: (off-screen) I thought I'd like him better dead!
NC: Yes, there's a lot of crazy rules about the afterlife that apparently we didn't know about, but that was sort of a thing in movies for a while.
(A poster of Vampire Academy is shown, followed by The Walking Dead.)
NC (voice-over): The same way vampires and zombies have kind of been popular in media recently, (posters for Ghost, Beetlejuice and Ghost Writer) ghosts were really popular in the late 80s and early 90s. (logo of Ghostbusters) Presumably starting with the popularity of Ghostbusters. (picture of Peter, Ray and Egon) After that blockbuster, suddenly every movie had a spook, specter or ghost in it, (Posters of Haunted Honeymoon and High Spirits) all connecting with either a quirky afterlife, a bizarre haunting, (picture of Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost) or just about anything with comedic possibilities. (Poster of 3 Ninjas) Well another thing the late 80s and early 90s liked to do was combine stuff. (On the poster of 3 Ninjas, it zooms in on a quote from Boston Globe saying "Crosses Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Home Alone." Now followed by a picture of Freddy vs. Jason.) Yeah, because we clearly don't do that nowadays, of course. (cast picture of The Cosby Show as it zooms in on Bill Cosby) Enter Bill Cosby, who at the time had the number one TV spot with The Cosby Show for years. He was clean, he was friendly, he was a good role model, and he made everyone laugh. (Poster of Leonard Part 6) That is, on television. (We get posters of other Cosby movies like Hickey & Boggs, A Piece of the Action, The Devil & Max Devlin, Uptown Saturday Night, Man and Boy, Mother, Juggs & Speed, I Spy Returns, ending with Let's Do it Again.) His movie career continued to tank with bomb after bomb as Hollywood seemed to be hinting that unless Cosby can pull off a successful film with the next one, they were gonna yank him as a star of the big screen and keep him as the main star of the little screen for the rest of his life. What followed was a movie career dangling on the edge knocked over by a spitball of deafening silence where there should have been laughter.
NC: This is that spitball.
(Clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): Directed by Sidney Poitier. (picture of Sidney Poitier in In the Heat of the Night) Yes, that Sidney Poitier.
Virgil Tibbs: They call me Mr. Tibbs.
NC: They'll be calling you much worse after they see this film.
NC (vo): Ghost Dad is a fascinating experiment to see if (pictures of Poitier and Cosby appear on the corners with Director and Actor under their pictures respectively) two successful people re-entering two unsuccessful fields can somehow produce a successful...not this. The answer, of course, is too painful to sit through, too painful to talk about, and too tempting not to have me be in pain over.
NC: So, let's take a look at the final nail in the coffin that really did make Cosby's movie career a ghost, this is Ghost Dad.
(We start off in the bedroom of the youngest child, Amanda Hopper.)
NC (vo): We see Cosby in the very familiar position that most comedic dads are in: (cut to a shot of stuffed dolls) not having enough time for his kids because he's too busy being not funny, with his wife being passed away from get-the-bitch-out-of-the-film-isis, Cosby finds he has to cut corners by having a recording of himself read his kids a bedtime story.
Elliot Hopper: (on tape recorder) Okay honeybun, that's enough for tonight. I had to work late again this weekend. Now make me louder, hold me up to the door. (Amanda brings the tape recorder to the doorway.) Good night, Diane. Don't wait up for me.
Diane Hopper: I never do.
NC (vo): You know, if he's so damn busy with his job and all, how did he have time to record all this? Couldn't you have spent that time making the recording to be with your kids instead?
(Cut to NC at his desk)
Kid (voiced by NC): Daddy, can you come play with me?
NC (as Cosby): I'm sorry, pud'n pop, but I gotta do this recording to make up for the fact that I can't spend time with ya!
Kid: You know, it's thinking like that that made you do Leonard 6.
NC: I thought we agreed never to mention that movie in this house!
NC (vo): Things don't get much better when he forgets his oldest daughter's birthday, so he puts shaving cream and a candle on a hat. That oughtta solve the problem.
Elliot: My father on my 9th birthday dressed up in a bunny costume for a whole week!
Danny Hopper: A whole week?
Elliot: A whole week! Because the zipper's stuck, you know, he didn't mean to do it, but he had to bump around the house. Bippidi bippidi like a bunny for a whole week!
NC (vo): Well, I'll give the movie this: I do legitimately want to see him dead.
Diane: You forgot. You completely forgot. Now go, admit it.
Elliot: If everything goes the way I think, the company is also going to give me a car. And if they do, you can have Grumpy. (he holds out car keys)
Diane: Really? Oh daddy, can I drive it today? Please, I promise, I'll be incredibly careful.
NC (vo): Wow, that must be quite the car that she's excited about. Quite the incredible, awesome, (the car itself is a not awesome station wagon. Anyone know the model of that car?) piece of shit Clark Griswold mobile you've ever seen in your life. Hey, next week maybe he'll let you cruise around in that hot rodding minivan. You know, the one with two entire horsepowers in it.
Stuart: Hi, Mr. Hopper.
Elliot: How are you, Stuart?
NC (vo): And from here, Cosby takes a merry stroll down Nerdy Stereotype Lane. Yes, because this movie's too lazy to steal from other stereotypes, it focuses instead on just one: The 80s nerd, and all the incarnations that this decade pushed out with it. (Stuart) You got the Urkel Nerd, (Carol, Elliot's secretary) the Secretary Nerd, the Old Relic Nerd, and of course, the Businessmen Nerds. And for a comedian who enforced that any person of any color can be in any position, there sure does seem to be a lot of crusty old white guys running things, aren't there?
Businessman: Gentlemen, you all know Elliot Hopper?
NC (vo, mocking one of them): Oh yeah, (in unison) a black one.
Businessman: Yes you should, Mr. Dearos, (anyone here who could spell that correctly?) or you'll be out Stacey's window all bets are off. (laughter)
NC (vo): But things go awry when he steps into a cab driven by a crazy cab driver
(car screeches violently, music builds)
Elliot: Going a little fast, aren't we?
(driver stares at him)
NC (mimicking Elliot): Hey, shouldn't you be salting sidewalks across from the McCallister's?
Elliot: The road is (points the left way) THAT way.
(car violently careens over, soon getting graphics from the game Crazy Taxi; vocal intro from the Offspring's "All I Want," one of the songs in the game, is heard before transitioning into generic rock music)
NC (voiceover as an announcer): Hey, you got ten CA-RAZY minutes to-(realizes the asinine factor of this movie)- oh my God, am I in "Ghost Dad"? Oh, no no no no no. There is no way I'm starring in this horse crap. No no, I'm out, (voice trails of) I'm gone. I'm gone! Fuck my contract; I don't care! (door closes, car revves)
Elliot: I'll give you $20 to stop! (one of the cars behind them spins out) I'll give you $40! I've got $76, all you have to do is stop the cab!
NC: Hey, come on, you're driving so fast you nearly lost the giant screen projection behind us!
Curtis Burch: Do you accept the Lord Satan as the Supreme Being?
NC (vo): So it looks like the cab driver is a crazy Satanist...
NC: (confused) Typical?
NC (vo): ...as Cosby convinces him he is Satan himself...
NC: (even more confused) Doubly typical?
(The cab drives into the rail on a bridge. Elliot gets out, but soon both he and the cab go into the water.)
NC (vo): ...and convinces him to pull the cab over. But just as he sees why white people should never drive cabs, he opens the car door, plunging into the river. He makes his way back up to find that nobody can see him and apparently nobody can touch him either. This, of course, means he comes to a horrible realization.
Elliot: I'm not dead! I know--I know I'm not dead! This is... I'm dreaming! I gotta wake up! Wake up! Wake up! I'm not dead! I gotta get out of this dream.
NC (vo): That's right. He's not very funny in a movie on his own and desperately needs kids to work off of.
Danny: Hi, dad.
Elliot: Hi, Dan. (realizes his kids can see him) What?
Amanda: Hi, daddy.
Elliot: You can see me?
Elliot: You can see me?
Danny: Your mouth is moving, but I can't hear anything.
NC (vo): But in a strange combination of rules, Cosby finds that people can see him in the dark, but not in the light. And on top of that, they can't hear him even though he can hear himself.
Elliot: You can't hear me, but you can see me. You can't hear me, but I can hear myself.
NC (vo): Also, if he concentrates he can touch stuff, but if he doesn't things float right through him, and if he doesn't focus, his voice doesn't match up with his body.
(Elliot tries to say something, but it comes out slurred.)
NC: Uh, what else, what else? You don't put him in daylight, you don't get him wet and you don't feed him after midnight?
Amanda: Daddy, are you going to go away like mommy did?
Elliot: (straining to speak) No, honey. I'm not going for awhile. I'm staying right here, okay?
NC (vo): You know, it's funny how this ghost movie is supposed to be funny, but in a strange way, it's actually kind of creepier than scary ghost movies? Couldn't you just hear this creepy audio being used in something like The Exorcist?
(Cut to a clip of The Exorcist of possessed Regan in bed.)
Regan: Aaah, it burns! (Elliot's dialogue is spliced into the scene, soon followed by Cosby advertising Jello.)
Cosby: Mom, you know how kids love Jello pudding, and it's made with fresh milk, so it's wholesome.
NC (vo): But Cosby, it appears, is being sucked into another location...via not very well hidden crane lift. (an arrow is pointing at said crane lift)
(Elliot is sucked through the walls and out of the house.)
Diane: Oh my God!
(Elliott yells indistinctly as he is sucked through the ceiling and high into the sky.)
NC (vo, mocking Elliot): Remember me for my inaudible gibberish! Ah, ah, ah!
NC (vo): He gets transported to a genetically spliced version of Roddy McDowell and the Dos Equis guy who's a scientist who puts metal things on his fingers to synch up his audio. Why would that help synch up his audio?
Edith: (yes that's the professor's name) Cause of death?
Elliot: I drowned in a taxi cab.
NC (vo): He then gives him a beaker of purple liquid and looks at a compass, I don't know why he would do that either, you know for a scientist his answer to anything afterlife related is "it just is".
Elliot: (slurring) What am I doing here?
NC (vo): So this movie clearly thinks that if Cosby plays his role like a broken Disney animatronic somehow that will get a laugh. Which, if it was in Disneyland, it would. But here it's just the death of comedy.
Edith: They screwed up. It's the afterlife equivalent to misplacing your paperwork. It's rare, but it happens. And, well, it's sort of a specialty of mine. I've written a book on it, actually. "On Intercorporeal Maltransference." I'm the world's foremost authority on life after death.
NC (vo): (as Edith) This is why I'm in no way going to contact anybody about the absolute proof that there's life after death, but instead partake in a depressingly unfunny dialogue about having a girl's name.
Elliot: On the book, it's spelled "Edith."
Edith: But it's pronounced Ed-ith.
Elliot: It's a girl's name.
Edith: Ed-ith is a boy's name.
Elliot: Who are you named after?
Edith: I was named after my grandmama.
Elliot: And they called her Ed-ith?
Edith: No, her name is Edith!
Elliot: So you see, it's a girl's name!
Edith: No it's not! Stand still!!
NC: (imitating Edith) Maybe if we yell louder, this'll somehow be funny! (A counter saying LAUGHS: 0 appears below NC, which he looks down at.) Nope? Then why are we still doing it?
Elliot: No! I want you to send me back!
Edith: All right!
NC (vo): So he sends him back to his family via lightsaber sound effect. (Edith waves a rod over Elliot that makes a lightsaber effect.) Yeah, because nobody would recognize that sound. And he tries to figure out what to do next.
Elliot: How am I going to go to work?
NC (vo): Wait a minute. Seriously? Seriously? You know, call me kooky, but I think being dead can at least warrant one day off! But the actual reason does make a little bit more sense. In the same way that sitting on a lamp somehow makes sense. (Elliot is sitting on a lamp, leaving NC confused.) You see, he didn't get any life insurance, and he wants to make sure his kids are financially secured before he goes.
Diane: How am I going to support myself and two kids? Why did you leave everything to the last minute?
NC (vo): If he can go into work as usual and get the merger to go through okay, a ton of money will be given to him that he can pass on to his kids, making sure that they'll be okay. But, um, have you considered this other possibility? Show everyone that you're a fucking ghost and make goddamn millions off of it? I mean, if you told that scientist (Edith) or, hell, any scientist that you'll let him study you if you donate said shit ton of money (a check is shown made out to Bill Cosby to the amount of SHIT TON OF MONEY, For Being Dead, signed by Rich Fuck is shown), I think they would fucking do it! But no, it makes much more logical sense just to go into work as usual and have his kids turn off the lights so that he can talk to people. No suspicion there.
(The kids are blocking off all forms of light like turning off the lamps, closing the blinds and taping the curtains down.)
Carol: What are they doing?
Elliot: Uh, they're shutting out the light.
NC (vo): And even that doesn't make sense seeing how there's clearly scenes where you can see light touching him over and over again! (Scenes are shown of arrows pointing to light shining on Elliot) I mean, Jesus Christ, he's in the lit doorway! (arrow pointing to the office outside, brightly lit) Shouldn't half his face be gone or something!?
Elliot: I'm talking about the fact I want to concentrate, and the view and the sunshine. it's distracting.
Carol: Okay, I'll buy that one.
NC (vo): (as Carol) Well nothing in the script is giving me reason to. As an actress, I just decided to give up.
Carol: You have to take your life insurance physical this afternoon.
NC (vo): So the doctor--of course in the dark, because when has a doctor ever needed light?--tries listening for his heartbeat.
(The doctor puts the stethoscope to Elliot's chest, hearing a heartbeat. Turns out it's Elliot rewinding and playing back a tape recording of a heartbeat.)
NC (vo): (as Doctor) Hmm, sounds a bit tinny, not much bass and a lot of treble, but aside from that, fine.
(Inside the waiting room, we zoom in on an old man who sees Elliot come in with his face covered up, wearing heavy sunglasses, a hat and an overcoat, startling the old man.)
NC (vo): Oops, almost forgot the Easily Excitable Nerd.
NC: That face got 'em rolling in the aisles on Nick Jr.
NC (vo): He uses a replica of Keira Knightley (a skeleton model) to fake the x-ray and all that's left is the urine sample.
Elliot: Uh, give me a minute.
(For some reason, that makes the nurse laugh.)
NC (vo): Why did she laugh at that? Do they usually watch when a urine sample is done?
(The scene is played again.)
NC (vo): (as Nurse) Oh ho ho, I have some issues. Some sick, creepy, authority alerting issues. (Cut to the men's room where the old man from before is about to fill his own urine sample.) So he sneaks in to steal some of Dana-Carvey-as-Turtle-Man's urine for the same test. Because, apparently, he never looks down to aim when he does this kind of stuff. (And so, Elliot gets his...sample.) Because this is what you think of when you think of a kids comedy. A creepy, shirtless guy's hand getting disturbingly close to an old guy's junk in the middle of a bathroom urinal. (A Family Picture!) Thus the physical is complete. and for some reason, Cosby forgets to put on his mask and, for some reason, Turtle Man is the only one able to notice that he forgot.
(Elliot walks down the hall with no visible head, the hat and sunglasses looking like they're floating. The old man soon runs off in a panic.)
Old man: Nurse! Nurse!
NC (vo): And yes, he, like many, would be the first to be institutionalized due to Ghost Dad.
NC: The chain of suffering had to start somewhere.
NC (vo): Everything's all fine and good, but they have to hurry to get ready for this merger because they only have three days before he'll start to fade away. Why?
NC: Because we can make up any shit that we want. It's the afterlife, and because we don't know anything about it, we can assume that fucking anything makes logical sense.
(Tamara and Malcolm come in dressed as Sam & Max.)
Tamara: (as Max) Critic, are you sure we have to recreate the entire gameplay of Sam & Max Hit the Road?
NC: Hey, I can't help it if they lost the paperwork of the afterlife. This is the only way to keep me visible. Now where's my Dorothy voice?
Tamara: I thought when I was Max, I didn't have to do that voice.
NC: When you address anyone else, no, but when you address me, yes.
Tamara: *sigh* (Dorothy voice) But Critic, I just don't know how we can possibly re-enact the entire game. I mean, we don't have a giant trout to climb into!
NC: Well find a way.
Malcolm: (as Sam) Critic, I don't need her to do Sam & Max. I can do both voices on my own.
Tamara: What's wrong with my voice?
NC: A-bu-bu. Uh, now you have to say it like a 1920s paperboy shouting a headline.
Tamara: I thought I was doing...
NC: When you're talking to him as Sam, it's Max. But when you're talking to him as Malcolm, it's 1920s paperboy. I'm sorry. Rules from upstairs.
Tamara: (as paperboy) Extry, extry, read all about it! Critic's a big douche!
NC: Hey, hey! I feel my soul fading away from that disloyalty!
Malcolm: (Sam) That's better than her Max voice.
Tamara: (Max) Shut it, mister!
NC: Nah, he's right.
Tamara: (Dorothy) But Critic!
NC: Apologize to him.
Tamara: (Dorothy) As Max or the paperboy?
NC: Mm, go back and forth. I get a strong feeling that'll keep me here longer.
Tamara: (playing both Max and paperboy) Sorry, Malcolm! I didn't mean it. I've just been in a stinking mood on account of all these voices!
NC: Apology accepted.
Malcolm: (Sam) Was she saying it to me?
NC: Shut it, Sam! Now show her how to do a better Max voice!
Malcolm: (as Max) Right. The trick is to get it all nasally. Kinda like a flamboyant Bugs Bunny.
NC: It's good to be dead.
(And we go to commercial)
(We come back from commercial)
NC (vo): So a Full House bully gets into the car with Cosby's daughter and, of course, not wanting to raise suspicion, he mutilates his body like a possessed Muppet.
(The boyfriend (Tony Ricker) is tossed out of the car.)
NC (vo): (as Cosby) I'll make sure you get nothing but crappy movies from here on out, Mr. [John] Leguizamo! (The actor's name is Dana Ashbrook)
Elliot: You are never, ever, ever going to date that--
Diane: Tony Ricker's the only guy in school that knows that I'm alive, and I will date him if I want to!
NC (vo): And of course, as is on par with most of this movie, the family in no way tries to explain the obvious weird shit going on that obviously needs explaining.
(Diane looks like she's talking to hersel.)
Diane: And I do not appreciate your interference in my pathetic social life!
(She opens the door and slams it shut, then Elliot does the same thing, making it look like it happened on its own.)
NC: (as Danny) Uh, it's her time of the month. T-that still works on us, right?
NC (vo): But it's okay, because this movie addresses the important issues that anyone would be addressing under such bizarre and disturbing circumstances.
Danny: How am I gonna be a magician in Career Day tomorrow without the Trunk of Doom?
(NC's stunned by that sentence.)
NC: Okay, movie, um... Can I bring you up to date on something I don't think you're quite aware of? Uh, come closer. Come closer. Little closer. Little closer. Little closer. Okay, you listening? You listening? You listening? Okay. HE'S DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!
NC (vo): What is wrong with you people!? Death is not some sort of weird personality trait! It's fucking Death! (Elliot and Amanda go take out the trash. Since he's in the daylight, it makes it look like Amanda, a little girl, is carrying a heavy trash barrel by herself.) There's suspension of disbelief, then there's suspension of just not giving a shit! All of these are just excuses to force what they think is a funny scenario down our throats. But what they're missing is that comedy works when you can have something close to a relatable situation! And nobody, fucking nobody would ever be able to relate with these choices! I mean, they just make no sense! I mean, it's just like saying...
NC1: Oh my god, America just blew up!
NC2: Well, let's go start making cream cheese.
(NC1 is stuck by that sentence.)
NC1: You don't...think we should do something else?
NC2: No, the cream cheese seems the most logical.
(The two look at each other.)
NC1: Well, I can't see no reason not to. Let's do it.
NC2: Cream cheese.
NC1: Cream cheese.
(The phone rings and Elliot picks it up.)
Tony: Uh, yo, is Diane there? This is Tony Ricker.
Elliot: Tony Ricker?
Tony: Yeah yeah yeah, that's me. Put the bitch on.
(NC takes his glasses off and facepalms.)
NC: Because that's what a teenage boy talking to the parent of a girl he wants to get with would say. "Put the bitch on." Yeah. It's like you put a hidden camera in a real family's house because you guys are just capturing reality so well! In fact, are you sure you didn't do that? Are you sure you didn't put a hidden camera in some family's house and this is just the recordings that you're showing us? It's so fucking realistic! Goooood! Movie, were you just raised in a burlap bag being beaten by other unfunny DVDs of Carlos Mencia, (a picture of people beating Ghost Dad with Carlos Mencia DVDs in a burlap bag is shown) and then suddenly released into the world thinking, "Yeah, I can represent the social interactions of the human animal." Well, lemme tell you something, movie. Come here, come here, come here. Little closer, little closer, little closer. (taking his gun out) Fuck you! *bang!*
NC (vo): So he grabs the boy through the telephone wires because...you can't prove a ghost can't do that. And he scares the living shit out of him.
(Elliot is sticking out of the phone while strangling Tony with a death grip.)
Elliot: (furious) "Put the bitch on the phone?" The bitch can't make it to the phone! I'm here though!
NC (vo): You know, it just hit me. Cosby in this movie is like a collection of all the unfunny Tim Allen grunts. Not the legitimately humorous ones, just the awkward brand.
Elliot: If you so much as call, talk to, or think about Diane, so help me I'll do things to you!
NC (vo): You know, this movie is so unpleasant and so nasty and so uncomfortable, I really am wondering if this was meant to be a legitimate scary film.
(Cut to the trailer for White Noise and Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones.)
Announcer: What you're about to hear is real. It has not been edited or enhanced.
Elliot: (slurred) No, honey! I'm not going--
(Cut to shots of the movie cut like it's a trailer for a horror movie.)
Announcer: The subject of some movies is so disturbing that those who experience them will never be the same again.
Elliot: (slurred) I'm staying right here, okay?
(A tagline appears saying "Cosby like you've never seen him before." We get one quick flash of The Cosby Show before having the words Ghost Dad appear, along with Elliot going "blippity blippity blippity. We get a caption saying "Coming Soon. Blippity-Blippity." The next scene cuts to Danny in a straightjacket having chains wrapped around him.)
NC (vo): And speaking of unintelligent, his son tries to perform an escape act which of course the teacher allows. Hell, he's probably distracted by where the fuck he got a child-sized straightjacket. And during his merger, Cosby leaves in the middle and helps him out with his act, which seems to work out well, seeing how he lost the key.
(The trunk suddenly begins levitating before the class.)
Elliot: Hi, kid!
Danny: Dad! I thought you were at this big meeting you couldn't leave!
Elliot: Yeah I did, but I thought about it and you're more important.
NC (vo): Well, for the brief few moments that I'm here, I've officially lost my job and the insurance which you kids were yelling at me for to begin with. But hey, what do I care if you're left in financial ruin? At least I helped you in a career you clearly showed you're not cut out for.
(The trunk levitates onto the desk, then it opens to reveal Danny floating out of it, legs crossed.)
Danny: How am I doing?
Teacher: (awestruck) You're getting an A.
NC (vo): But then the scientist shows up and explains--Oh, I can't do this shit justice. Just listen.
Edith: You're not a ghost.
Elliot: What am I?
Edith: You didn't die. You just jumped out of your body, that's all.
NC: (facepalming) Keep listening.
Edith: It's been rumored there was one other case in America years ago. Before he was able to find his body and get back into it, this poor fella had to, ah, wear a bunny costume for a week. He was somewhere in Minnesota, I think.
Elliot: That was my father!
Edith: Ah, I've always suspected this was a hereditary trait!
Danny: Far out!
(NC is just rendered silent by that scene before stretching out and rubbing his hands togethe.r)
NC: So, um... If there's any of you out there who missed that, um, apparently, your soul can be scared out of its body and this is a hereditary thing passed down from generation to generation and, uh, apparently, one of the ways you can get your soul back into your body involves a rabbit suit that you wear for a extended period of time. (beat) I've never done this before, but that series of sentences is so strange, so bizarre, and so troubling to me that I literally have nothing to say about it. I don't even know what angle to come at it from. I just have a fear that the more I comprehend what was just said, the more mentally insane I will become. So, I'm doing it for my own health, as well as yours. (shuddering) You should be fucking thankful!
NC (vo): But just as they're about to go look for his body, his daughter slips on a cliché (a pair of roller skates on the stairs) which causes them to take her to the hospital, which of course causes her to leave her body as well. Hey, I guess it's in the blood...or the midichlorians. I don't know, whatever the fuck spirit blood is.
Elliot: Get back into your body before something serious happens.
Diane: Like what?
Elliot: Don't do this to me.
Diane: It's always about you, isn't it? How things affect you. Well I'm thinking of me right now, and this ghost life feels a lot better than that crappy life I was having to live, and I'm not going back to it.
NC (vo): Yes, again, quite clearly understanding teenagers, it captures quite wonderfully that most teenagers want to be ghosts.
NC: I... Don't question it. Doing so might have them recollect the bunny suit scene again.
NC (vo): But as Cosby starts to fade away for good, guess what they just so happen to find in the room next door. (They happen to find Elliot's body which gets people booing at the contrived coincidence!) So, insert some (M. Night) Shyamalan bullshit about how everything happens for a reason and watch as Cosby, coincidentally right next door, reunites with his body. (Elliot lays back on the bed, getting his soul back into his body) Which suddenly raised the question for me. Did his suit die, too? Was that gonna be some sort of spinoff? (A picture of a business suit is shown with the caption and tagline being "Ghost Suit. Surprisingly Funnier.") Ghost Suit?
(Elliot is now back in his body in the bed, looking up at Diane.)
Diane: (tearfully) How do you feel?
NC (vo): Well, pretty fucking confused, seeing how I can see you in the light, even though we clearly established I shouldn't. Dedication, fuck. So it wasn't really Ghost Dad so much as Comatose Dad, but hey, if they called it that, it nearly wouldn't be as successful. And they all leave to come across a familiar face.
(Elliot and Curtis look at each other and scream.)
Curtis: I am yours to command!
Elliot: Go to Hell and sit on a red hot coal!
Curtis: Oh yes, yes, Evil Master!
(The cab then speeds off.)
NC (vo): And he's off to kill a dozen more people. This film is dedicated to the lack of common sense, plausibility and anything representing years of human evolution. Whenever you feel bad about yourself, just be happy that you had nothing to do with the making of Ghost Dad.
NC: Guys, this is not only bad, this is...fascinatingly bad.
(Clips of the movie play as he gives the closing summary.)
NC (vo): Once in a while there's an impressive effect given the time period, but overall, this is one of the biggest question marks of comedies ever. How could anyone think this could work? How could anyone sign on to it? How could anyone read one page of this script and possibly get a laugh? It's uncomfortable, it's stupid, and makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. It is straight up dead on arrival.
NC: And I should know, being dead myself. (he looks around for a bit) Actually, I'm not. I'm just still really still upset about what they (Malcolm and Tamara) did on Wicker Man. So, I figured this was a very fitting sort of revenge. Hehehe. I think I pulled it off pretty good, didn't I? I think a moment like that calls for a drink.
(Just as he's about to open up a beer bottle, Malcolm and Tamara come in. Malcolm's still in the Sam costume, though now his nose is painted pink and with Max's bunny ears. Tamara comes in with curly red hair and a green shirt.)
Malcolm: (as Max) Okay, we figured it out. I'll play both Sam and Max in a terrifying called Samax.
Tamara: While I play the girl from their TV show that no one remembers. (Darla from Sam & Max: Freelance Police)
Malcolm: Hey, wait a minute. Didn't you say that ghosts couldn't touch things? (Tamara's also confused.)
(NC puts the beer down, then comes over to them, placing his hands on their shoulders.)
NC: Yes. Yes, I did.
Tamara: And yet you're touching us now.
NC: That is also correct.
Malcolm: You lied to us, didn't you?
NC: Right on the money.
Tamara: You never killed yourself.
Malcolm: And you did all of that just to see if we were dumb enough to do it?
NC: Absolutely no part of that was false.
Tamara: So why are you just calmly explaining it to us here?
NC: Because, quite frankly, you should be ashamed of yourselves for letting me take advantage of you like that. A ghost? A fucking ghost? You honestly fell for that? You were dumb enough to fall for all the stupid stuff I was making up off the top of my head. I mean, Sexy Dorothy? Really? And look at you! You look like McGruff the Crime Bunny. Shame on you. Shame on you both! Now if you'll excuse me, I am hoping that the guilt and confusion that you are feeling right now will buy me some time so that I can flee to my car like a coward.
(He then leaves the room, leaving them confused.)
Malcolm: So he's not dead.
Tamara: (seething with anger) No, but he'll wish he was.
(Malcolm cracks his knuckles, the two leaving as we go to credits. We hear a punch and NC screaming. Every last bit of this is all voice.)
NC: What are you doing with those bunny ears?!
Malcolm: I'll show you how to do a Max impression! Right on the balls!
(More whacks and screams are heard.)
NC: Sexy Dorothy, no!
Malcolm: Click your heels three times upside his head!
(NC screams, "Ow!" with each hit.)
Tamara: (singing) Somewhere over your nutsack... (a whack and another scream) ...Balls are blue! (and one last whack and scream)
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Elliot: Blippity blippity blippity blippity blippity like a bunny!