February 04, 2014
(We start off straight with the Nicolas Cage Month opening, with Anthony Sardinha impersonating Nicolas Cage)
A be ba bi boo
(Phone rings) Hello?
Hey, Jerry, I'm doing a thing for Nostalgia Critic.
What do you mean I'm not getting paid?
O-Okay, hold, hold...hold on!
Are you telling me that I won't be getting paid for this?
(Cage starts laughing and trashing the booth he was in)
I'm Nicolas Cage. (one more bit of breaking glass before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (he shakes his head before smacking the desk) I've heard of worse ways to try to get Nicolas Cage into The Avengers.
(Clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): I guess Nicolas Cage was so good at making it look like his skull was burning out of his face that this seemed like an inevitable decision. Ghost Rider, based on the famous Marvel comic series, is arguably the fucking coolest-looking thing conceived since (picture of a robot holding a monster's head while covered in bacon) Bacon Robot Demon Slayer.
NC: It's mine! (He throws a © at the picture, especially after what happened with his and Cinema Snob's other ideas) Ha-ha.
NC (vo): So how can an idea as freaking awesome as this possibly go astray? Well, getting the writer and director of (posters of) Daredevil, Elektra and Jack Frost (Mark Steven Johnson) is a good fucking start. Yeah, the guy who made something that was supposed to be (Jack Frost) adorable terrifying and something that was supposed to be (Daredevil) terrifying adorable.
NC: We're in good fucking hands. Let's finish off Nicolas Cage Month with Ghost Rider.
NC (vo): The movie starts with Sam Elliot giving an opening narration, which immediately makes me think we're watching a Chevy truck commercial.
Caretaker: (narrating) It's said that the West was built on legends, tall tales that helped us make sense of things too great, or too terrifying to believe. This is the legend of the Ghost Rider.
NC: (as Sam Elliot) And I'm talking about the Dude here.
NC (vo): He speaks of a person who did the Devil's bidding until he came across a contract of a thousand souls.
Caretaker: (narrating) But that contract was so powerful, he knew he could never let the Devil get his hands on it.
NC (vo): Yes, so a sheet of paper is the big end all this movie has to offer. Because there's nothing more terrifying than legal ramifications.
Caretaker: (narrating) So he did what no Rider has ever done before: (The previous Rider blazes up, blinding the Devil and riding off) He outran the Devil himself.
NC (vo): So what you're saying is the Devil in this world is...a pretty lame one.
Caretaker: (narrating) The thing about legends is...sometimes, they're true.
NC: (as Sam Elliot) And sometimes, there's a man--(normal) Okay, I'm getting my Big Lebowski jar here, 'cause trust me, I'm gonna need it. (he takes out a jar labeled exactly that, putting a quarter in)
NC (vo): Thus the credits burn through the screen to reveal... (motorcycle revving is heard as it zooms through a hellish highway) Bowser's Castle on level 4 of Mario Kart.
(The Super Mario Kart theme plays as Mario races in on a kart.)
Mario: (voiced by Doug) Here we go! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, ha-ha! (reading the credit that popped up) Look out for the "In association with Relativity Media"! Whoa!
(Two stunt cyclists leap through a ring of fire.)
NC (vo): Cut to years later as we see a young daredevil named Johnny Blaze, partaking in a father and son act, presumably called the Flaming Speed Racers. But his father doesn't like how he's trying to impress his girlfriend in the audience.
(Johnny and his father, Barton Blaze, are pushing their bikes through the fairground.)
Barton: You're already screwing around.
Johnny: I was just doing it for the crowd.
Barton: Think we know why you done it. You think she's gonna stand by you while you're in a wheelchair? Huh, hotshot?
NC: I never would've expected a daredevil would be such a showoff!
NC (vo): But things get complicated when his girlfriend named Roxanne, played by Eva* Mendes, (Johnny and Roxanne are at a tree where he's carved J&R Forever into a tree) tells her beau that she has to leave. And is it me, or are you waiting for Albert Finney's Big Fish narration to take over any minute?
- NC calls her Eve
Johnny: We'll jump on the bike and just keep going. Tomorrow, noon. We'll meet here. (The two then share a passionate kiss under the tree)
NC (vo): (as Albert Finney from Big Fish) It was then that I realized my adventures had just begun. All leading up to when I (clip of Sister Beech from The Wicker Man) dressed in drag on that island in Summerisle. That was a weird weekend. (normal) He discovers, though, that he can't leave because his father found out he's dying of cancer, which is news to a certain horned one's ears, played by Peter Fonda.
Mephistopheles. Worried about your father?/Thing about cancer is the time it takes./Plans that have to be changed.
(A quick burst of lightning shows his shadow, showing it as something quite evil)
NC (vo): (as Cage) I couldn't help but notice your cartoonishly silly shadow. Are you perchance a...Muppet of sorts?
Mephistopheles: Would you be willing to make a deal?
Johnny: Name your price.
Mephistopheles: I'll take...your soul.
NC: I knew it. You're from Google, aren't you? Look, I already signed up for Google+ even though I don't need it. How much more control of my life do you want?!
NC (vo): Blaze agrees, of course, to make a contract with him, (Barton is much healthier compared to earlier) and his father is miraculously saved from certain death, (Barton then dies in an accident) only to accidentally slip into certain death.
Johnny: Dad! Dad!
NC: Well, gee, who would've thought you can't trust the Devil?
(Johnny's fallen off his bike in an accident, only for Mephistopheles to appear.)
Mephistopheles: You're no good to me dead.
(Johnny gets up and points at Mephistopheles.)
Johnny: You...you killed him!
NC (vo): (as Cage) I awkwardly ask you to pull my finger in defiance!
Mephistopheles: I'll be watching you.
NC (vo): So the Devil claims him as his property, which means he can't run off with his girlfriend. (Johnny is sitting on his bike while he looks to Roxanne, both of them soaked in the rain) He doesn't even give her an excuse. He just looks at her and rides off like the wind or rain or some bullshit, and we cut ahead years later to the reveal of our star, the Cage man! (Hallelujah!) He's transformed into the most famous daredevil in the world, (Johnny takes a spill that should have crippled or killed him, but survives) but his helpers question how he's been able to survive so many injuries without a scratch for so long.
Mack: You should be taking a dirt nap after that ragdolling today.
Johnny: I got lucky.
Mack: You got an angel looking after you.
Johnny: Yeah, maybe. (he looks out the window) Maybe it's something else. (a flash of lightning turns his reflection into a skull)
NC: (as Cage) Maybe it's... (turning to another camera) Maybeline.
(Same shot of Johnny from before, but with the Maybeline logo in the corner)
NC (vo): But not too far away, we get the reveal of our main villain, played by Wes Bentley.
(He walks through a rainy desert in the stormy night before suddenly making a creepy face jump scare.)
NC: I just like doing that at random. You know, just walking across an empty desert and suddenly going, raar! Hehe! It may seem pointless to you, but if there happened to be a camera in front of me, it may possibly scare a seven-year old, but, uh, not an adult, because that'd be childishly silly, but, uh, I'm gonna keep doing it cause, you know, it-it-it's fun. It's just my thing. Y-you know, I just, it's me. (a beat, then another jump scare from NC and our villain) I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!
NC (vo): And, yes, folks, this is what the villain of our movie looks like. Because...isn't this who you want to see Nicolas Fucking Cage go up against? That bag filming pussy from American Beauty? Oh, yeah, it's just as good as when they teamed up (pictures of said pairs are shown) Vin Diesel against Kat Dennings. Or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson against Tyler Perry as Madea. Or Mark Wahlberg against that snowman from Frozen (Olaf).
NC: Don't underestimate him. He bites.
NC (vo): So he takes out Curly of Hell's Stooges and calls upon his minions of rejected Matrix concept art. While that's going on, Cage gets settled into his garage where he looks to relax before his next big stunt.
Mack: Oh, I see you still haven't gotten a lock for your lift. Great, great. You got a lot of expensive bikes in here, man. I told you. Well, JB, I've said it before, I'll say it again. This place could use a woman's touch.
Johnny: So could you.
Mack: All right, four out of five. Wreck one more and you get the whole set. I actually wanted to talk to you about something kind of serious. It's about you jumping on the anniversary of your dad's accident.
NC (vo): (as Mack) Let's see, what other exposition did I miss out here? Oh, books. Yeah, books. You still like to read books, JB? On this, the anniversary of your father's death?
Johnny: I'm trying to relax, Mack.
Mack: Yeah, I understand. All right, it's just gonna take a second.
NC (vo): And I'm not even kidding, I swear to God I'm not making this up, Cage's idea of relaxing in this movie is pouring jelly beans into a martini glass and laughing at videos of monkeys doing karate. (Johnny's laughing at monkeys doing karate) You know, why is it I get the feeling that Nicolas Cage wouldn't do this movie unless this specific setup was in it? Would it really surprise you?
(Cut to an office where Tamara Chambers and Malcolm Ray are talking to Cage.)
Tamara: Unfortunately, Mr. Cage, we were unable to write in a scene (cut of Doug as Cage sitting in a chair) where you juggle flaming ukeleles and sculpt kitty litter.
Malcolm: However, we did get that scene for you where you drink Jelly Bellies and watch monkeys practicing kung fu.
Cage: Were you at least able to have me surfing elephant breath while eating my dreams?
Tamara: No, Mr. Cage, that's impossible to visualize.
Cage: Idiots! Freeze the elephant breath into a solid mass. Then, okay, I want you to create a machine that can take dreams and make them PHYSICAL so that I can consume them for NOURISHMENT! Was that so hard?
Malcolm: Mr. Cage, I-I'm sorry, but unfortunately, our budget will only allow for Jelly Bellies and monkey kung fu.
Cage: Very well. I'll just see how my demands are being met on Wicker Man.
(Cut to a shot where the text message says "You want to do WHAT in a bear costume???")
NC (vo): So he's just about to do his biggest stunt when he comes across his old flame... (A rimshot is heard) ...Roxanne, who's now a reporter. And he gives what many would consider a very typical Nicolas Cage interview.
Roxanne: Johnny, what drives somebody to risk their life for entertainment?
Johnny: I heard you got married.
Roxanne: Most of the time, the press focuses on the crashes, the broken bones, the cost of what you do. There any other costs?
Johnny: Uh... (an awkward silence) Yeah.
NC (vo): (sighs) Why do I get a terrible feeling that this demonic hellspawn of fire and awesomeness is just gonna be a guy waking up for two hours? (Johnny then jumps over several helicopters which had their rotors turning.) So he does his jump, but realizes he wanted to talk to Roxanne some more.
(Johnny's driving next to Roxanne's news van.)
Johnny: Pull over!
(She just ignores him until he comes back sitting on the handlebars while doing a stoppie.)
NC (vo): (as Cage) I can greenscreen some more effects if you want. Hold on. Why don't I make it more convincing by adding the Na'vi and Jar Jar Binks to the mix?
Jar-Jar: Yousa muy muy hotta! Cage-a gonna love you long time-a!
NC (vo): So he finally stops them and he has a nice long conversation with her.
Roxanne: Look, you were 17 and you witnessed a tragedy and you ran. I understand now like I understood then, and I have no hard feelings. None, you know? That's why they call it the past, cause it's passed, it's done, it's over with.
(Johnny interrupts by kissing her)
NC (vo): (as Cage) I call this the "If I did this in real life I'd probably be arrested" kiss. It worked great in The Notebook.
Roxanne: Eight o'clock.
NC (vo): So, Cage is finally on a date. And after years and years of regret and frustration suddenly giving him another chance, what does Cage do with this opportunity? Show up late because he's too busy looking at himself in a mirror.
Johnny: You deserve a second chance.
NC: A typical Cage-ism.
NC (vo): This makes Roxanne so upset that she checks her magic 8 ball. Wait, what? (Roxanne is shaking a magic 8 ball, seeing the result, then putting it away before taking another drink of wine.)
NC: Movie...that's...teenage My Little Pony fanfiction bad!
NC (vo): Is there also an anvil in her purse to knock herself out in case she sees something else that might shock her?
NC: (as Roxanne) Oh, my God! Another cute boy I used to like! (NC then throws an anvil up into the air which falls onto his head, making him quite dizzy)
NC (vo): But Cage is interrupted from his incredibly important mirror watching by the fires of Fonda, who now tells him that Cage, as the Rider, must stop his son from getting the contract which he...spontaneously now for some reason decides he wants. I guess he just hit puberty and you suddenly want the contract of a thousand souls. Go figure.
Mephistopheles: You're under contract, remember? If you succeed, I'll return your soul.
NC (vo): You know, I guess it's kinda fitting, seeing how Easy Rider is passing on a mission to Difficult-in-any-way-to-get-emotionally-attached Rider.
(Johnny rides down the street leaving a trail of fire that cracks the road open and flings cars around)
NC (vo): So the Devil's son and his Droogs try to locate Cage, but come across a man and his lantern--oh, for fuck's sake, movie. When the flying hell does anyone carry a lantern!? Unless you're in the (picture of) Haunted Mansion or a (picture of) Scooby-Doo episode, you use a fucking flashlight!
Groundskeeper: You really shouldn't be here.
Blackheart: That's what they keep telling me.
(The groundskeeper's life is drained by Blackheart.)
NC (vo): But Cage drops in as he finally starts to transform into the Ghost Rider. (Johnny's body is smoking as he burns, his feet on fire with each step) And there's no CG being used here, folks. Cage can just set himself ablaze whenever he's asked. (Johnny is laughing maniacally as the flesh from his body burns off, revealing the real Ghost Rider) And I'm not gonna lie, when Ghost Rider is onscreen, it's pretty fucking awesome.
Blackheart: Looking for someone?
Ghost Rider: (Pointing at Blackheart and speaking in a demonic voice) Back to Hell!
NC (vo): Granted, his voice isn't really anything that interesting, but, then again, I guess it would be even stranger if it was still Cage's voice coming out of it.
Ghost Rider (dubbed with audio of Cage from Leaving Las Vegas): (singing) You turn me on, bah-rump! You turn me on, bah-rump! You're not too tall, you're not too short, you're not too round, bah-rump! Ha-HAAA!
NC (vo): So the Rider is ready to kick some ass, until he's nailed by Nicolas Cage's greatest archnemesis. (Suddenly, a semi truck rams into Ghost Rider) What is it with Nicolas Cage and trucks? (Clip from The Wicker Man) If he's not dreaming about them hitting little girls, he's getting hit by them in real life! (Clip from Transformers) Maybe Optimus Prime just likes punking with celebrities.
Optimus Prime (voiced by NC): Come on, Autobots. Let's scare the shit out of Whoopi Goldberg next.
(Ghost Rider grabs the fallen angel (Gressil) that rammed him.)
Ghost Rider: Hey, dirtbag?
(He punches Gressil across several feet.)
NC (vo): But Cage does manage to get out and get his revenge.
(Ghost Rider uses his chain to burn Gressil to cinders.)
NC (vo): (as Cage) Ashes to asses, dust to fuck. You shouldn't have hit me with that goddamn truck! (normal) So after chasing the evil Planeteers away, he tours around town trying to take even more evil souls to Hell. (A mugger has a goth girl at knifepoint) One of them, understandably so, trying to axe off Rebel Wilson.
(Ghost Rider nudges for her to leave.)
NC (vo): (as the girl) I'm off to ask Conan O'Brien to finance a horrible sitcom!
(Ghost Rider pins the mugger to the wall.)
Ghost Rider: Your soul is stained by the blood of the innocent!
NC: Well...you have no lips and yet somehow, you still form consonants!
Ghost Rider: Feel their pain!
(The mugger screams as he's given the Penance Stare, leaving his eyes charred to cinders.)
NC (vo): So he takes his soul to Hell, has himself a good sleep and ends up in a cemetery, owned by, of course, Sam Elliot, who knows all about him.
Johnny: Did I say something funny?
Caretaker: We're big on irony around here. Out by the shed.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I forgot, it's Sam Elliot. A man who's made a mumbling dialect from his inability to eat his own mustache.
(I may need help with his lines wherever I can)
NC: (as Cage) I mean, is that some sort of Eastern thing? (he puts another quarter in the Big Lebowski jar)
NC (vo): Things aren't made much better when Cage AND Elliot have to carry on a conversation of mumbles.
(Brackets are the gag subtitles)
Caretaker: [One Jew at a time.]
Johnny: Sterilize? [Cereal is?]
Caretaker: Penance Stare. [Peanut Stare]
Johnny: Have there been others? [Handin' Ben Others?]
Caretaker: Sterilize that for me. [Sticker Lies That For Me.]
Johnny: Awesome. [Awesome.]
Caretaker: Sears the souls of the wicked. [Sears the Soles of the Wicken.]
NC: Jesus! I've had a better time understanding the Wookies in the Star Wars Christmas Special!
(Clip of the Wookies growling at each other)
Caretaker: Fallen angels cast out of Heaven by St. Michael himself.
NC (vo): So he tells him that the Devil's son and his minions were angels cast out of Heaven. And also, we learn the name of the Devil's son, too. You ready for this? No, seriously, are you ready for this? It's...it's pretty funny.
Johnny: What's this have to do with Blackheart?
(The Caretaker pauses from stitching Johnny's shoulder.)
(NC can't believe how silly that name sounds!)
NC: Okay, I am totally convinced that this was originally a Care Bears cartoon.
(Clip of the Care Bears aiming their Care Bear Stare at Darkheart is shown)
NC (vo): I mean, think about it. The silly shadow, the guy with the lantern, the fucking 8 ball. (Another clip of Care Bears 2 is shown) This is all stuff you'd see in a preschool Saturday morning lineup! (back to movie) And now, the villain's name is Blackheart? Fucking Blackheart!? It's like calling your villain Dark Bad or Mean Poop! I mean, with all this talk of the Devil and fallen angels and such, do you really think that this part made it into the Bible? You think that was actually the Devil's child's name?
NC: Well, I don't wanna step on anyone's religious toes, so let's just double check it to be sure! (He pulls out a large Bible and flips it open, seeing something) Oh, wow. Revelations 20:10*. (reading the passage) "And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, along with his son, teehee, haha...his son, pwff, heckle heckle, I can't believe I'm saying this...his son Blackheart. Plahahaha, okay, guys, who's punking me?" (The rest of the passage reads "Then some other stuff happened that I'm sure means you're going to Hell, love God unless he's in an Old Testament mood (in which case fear the shit out of him), and try your best to make sense of this book filled with inconsistencies. Also try not to use this book about teaching love to judge and hate, but what are the odds of that happening?") Wow, God does have a sense of humor.
(And we go to commercial)
- The actual passage reads "And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever."
(Tamara plays a housewife scrubbing stains off the floor with a rag.)
Advertiser: (voiced by Malcolm) Tired of cleaning the house with those oily rags that just seem to move the dirt around? (Tamara looks up and nods at the camera) Well, why don't you try SAM-WOW! (SHAM-WOW cut in the shape of a mustache) The only towel endorsed by Sam Elliott.(Sam Elliott played by Doug Walker) The instructions are very simple. (Tamara examines the SAM-WOW before looking up at Sam Elliott, who came to instruct her)
Sam Elliott: (mumbles) (Tamara looks very confused as Sam Elliott continues mumbling) Okay?
Tamara: ... Okay, then! (starts scrubbing floors with SAM-WOW, very satisfied with results)
Advertiser: And, just as Sam mentioned, SAM-WOW works on any surface... except for latex. (Tamara pauses) Which would cause a burning reaction if it came in contact with human skin. (Tamara realizing somethings wrong, as she takes off her latex gloves, showing her palms have started burning)
Tamara: AHH! Oh, my God! (turns to Sam Elliott) Help me! What do I do?!
Sam Elliott: (mumbles) (does directional motions with his hands that Tamara can't understand a word of) (Sam starts handing her a banana, a football, and an Alf doll as he mumbles)
Tamara: (swats the objects to the floor) Just speak English, you geriatric Yosemite Sam!
Sam Elliott: (grabs Tamara by the arms) (mumbles through his teeth) DON'T YOU THREATEN ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
Tamara: (crying) Help me! Just help me!
(Sam Elliott pulls out a revolver, shooting Tamara) (looks over at the camera man who saw everything)
Sam Elliott: (mumbles) You didn't see anything, did you, Mr. Camera Man? (points his revolver at the camera man) (camera man shakes his head) Well, best not take any chances. (shoots the camera man)
Advertiser: SAM-WOW: Because someone needs to soak up all that blood. And remember. (Sam Elliott pops up in the corner)
Sam Elliott: (mumbles some more) Say, friend, you got any more of that good sarsaparilla? (drops a coin in the Big Lebowski jar as the commercial ends)
(back to the review)
(Johnny is now able to summon fire.)
NC (vo): So after Cage realizes he can summon fire through his fist and...(Johnny makes a rather weird face while chattering his teeth at the mirror) try to scare himself in the mirror...(Johnny turns around like he's trying to scare someone.)
NC: Hey, to be fair, it's scarier than this. (Cut to Blackheart's demon face!) Doh, I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!
NC (vo): He apologizes to Roxanne, who, rightfully so, isn't pleased that he abandoned her once again. (clip of Roxanne coming into Johnny's apartment) That is, until later that night, when she realized that SHE somehow was wrong.
Roxanne: I came to apologize. I'm leaving town tonight and, uh... I didn't want what I said today to be the last words between us.
Johnny: That's okay.
Roxanne: No, it's not.
NC (vo): Lady, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You have nothing to apologize for! This is the guy who abandoned you when you were gonna run away forever with him and then never showed up when he was trying to make amends. Mostly because he was just staring at himself in the goddamn mirror! (clips of Johnny looking in mirrors) He seems to do a lot of that in this movie! These are big asshole issues, and yet, you constantly treat it like he spilled mustard on your dress or something! Oh, well, at least she's saying goodbye and isn't dumb enough to spontaneously go back to hi--(Roxanne and Johnny kiss passionately) Bitch, what is wrong with you?! I've seen games of Pong that don't go back and forth as much as you do! And still, what does Cage end up doing?
Johnny: I think I should walk you to your car.
NC (vo): Okay, I've never seen landing lights (a picture of landing lights with the words PISS OFF appear) more clearly labeled to get the fuck out of a relationship, and yet, she still tries to fight for his heart.
Roxanne: You almost kill yourself on the highway so you can ask me out and then you don't show, then keep my picture. But when I kiss you, you try to shove me out the door. What's...? Don't you care about me at all, Johnny?
NC: (as Roxanne) The way I in no logical sense care for you.
NC (vo): So he finally gives her a logical explanation she can at least comprehend.
Johnny: I sold my soul to the Devil. (He then raises an eyebrow at her.)
NC (vo): Well, most women would kick you in the rocks for saying something so stupid, but you throw in an eyebrow like that, and suddenly, you go from Ghost Rider to (picture) Flynn Rider.
Roxanne: For the Devil?
Johnny: Yeah. I'm his bounty hunter. It only happens at night, like it is right now.
Roxanne: So tonight, you'll...rar!
Johnny: I believe so. Which is why it's probably a very good idea that you...you run on home now, Roxanne.
NC (vo): (as Cage) Look, this worked when I broke up with eight other chicks. I'm not sure why it's having no effect on you.
Roxanne: I realize that you'd rather make up ridiculous stories than be honest with me.
NC (vo): She does end up not believing him--big surprise--so I guess it's time for some proof. (Cut to Roxanne driving off) Wait a minute! A few minutes ago, (clip of Johnny lighting candles with his magic) you were shooting flames out of your fist and now you're just hoping she trusts your fucking word?
NC: (as Cage) Would you believe me if I said I was Superman? (picture of Cage dressed up as Superman)
NC (vo): But the cops figure out he's the one ripping up the town and throw him in jail, which causes him to start going crazy from being around so much evil.
(Johnny's freaking out in the holding block.)
Redneck: Looks like somebody's tripping out! You might be a big shot out there, Blaze, but in here, you're nothing but a monkey in a cage!
NC (vo): And don't you know? You don't put a monkey in a cage, (clip of Cage in the bear suit) you put a Cage in a bear! It just makes more sense.
(The prisoners are ganging up on Johnny who pushes them off by turning into Ghost Rider.)
NC (vo): So all the evil brings out the Rider, and, once again, it's pretty badass to watch. (Blackheart and his gang in a church) But sadly, the badass-ness meter decreases when you remember he's going up against Team Hot Topic.
(One of the fallen angels (Abigor) tackles Ghost Rider off his bike and into a car.)
NC (vo): (as Hexxus) Mmm, you just love my toxic love! (normal) Things don't get much better when the police start to hunt him down. But he has an awesome way out of that, too.
(Ghost Rider is riding his bike up a building, leaving a trail of fire. Cut to a scene of him on the roof of the building he's on where he lassos a police helicopter with his chain, followed by a clip of Scorpion shouting "GET OVER HERE!")
Ghost Rider: You're pissing me off!
Pilot: Okay, okay!
(Ghost Rider flings the helicopter away.)
NC (vo): (as pilot) Apologies, Captain, but apparently, I was pissing off the flaming skull! I'm gonna go to McDonalds now.
(Ghost Rider gets his hands on Abigor, but he just slides out of his hands, having mastery of air. Ghost Rider heats his chain up and swirls it around Abigor until the heat burns him up, killing him.)
NC (vo): So he takes out Bob James Franco Marley and starts heading back.
(Ghost Rider rides off the roof of the building and uses his chain to pull his bike onto the building to ride down it before stomping down in front of the police and Roxanne.)
NC (vo): Okay, that was pretty fucking awesome. Throw in a few flaming doves on that one. (The flaming doves from the Face/Off review fly by.)
(Roxanne gets closer to Ghost Rider who's calming down in her presence.)
Captain Dolan: Prepare to fire! Fire!
NC (vo): (as Dolan) And try not to hit the woman we let walk in front of us for some reason!
(Ghost Rider summons up hellfire from the crater he's in, then rides off.)
NC (vo): So Roxanne makes her way to Cage's home, because CLEARLY no police would be looking for him there! I think the cops in this town mostly consist of this. (Cut to a clip of Doug, Malcolm and Tamara acting like retarded police officers) And, of course, Bag Filmer (Blackheart) is waiting.
(Johnny comes back to see Roxanne nearly dying from Blackheart's magic.)
(She points up. Johnny looks up to see Blackheart putting on his demon face while tackling him against the wall.)
NC: Doh, I almost gotcha! I saw a little bit of a flinch there. Little bit of a flinch. Little bit.
(Johnny transforms into Ghost Rider.)
NC (vo): (as Cage) Nobody outhams me!
(Ghost Rider spins Blackheart into the wall and tries the Penance Stare on him.)
Blackheart: Your Penance Stare doesn't work on me! I have no soul to burn! (He grips Ghost Rider's throat, his magic making Ghost Rider's flame go black.) I guess the Caretaker forgot to mention that, huh?
NC (vo): He also forgot to mention that you can't choke a skeleton, but whatever. (Ghost Rider is brought back down to Johnny.) He knocks him down and tells him that he's taking his lady friend.
Blackheart: You don't work for my father anymore. You work for me. Get the contract from the Caretaker. Bring it to me in San Venganza.
NC (vo): (as Blackheart) I'll be waiting at the Spencer's Gifts where I work. (The Caretaker breaks his shovel, revealing the contract.) So he goes back to Sam Elliot who, apparently, has had the contract all along, but why the hell should he hand it over?
Johnny: He may have my soul, but he doesn't have my spirit.
(The Caretaker at this point is revealed to be the previous Rider, Carter Slade.)
Slade: Any man who's got the guts to sell his soul for love got the power to change the world.
NC (vo): Fucking A, this is My Little Pony fanfiction! Can't you just see an episode ending like that?
(Cut to a cartoon of Fluttershy, voiced by Tamara Chambers, speaking.)
Fluttershy: Anyone who would give their soul for love has the power to change the world. Isn't that right, Ghost Pony Rider? (Ghost Pony Rider is, of course, a flaming skeletal unicorn whose cutie mark is a flaming skull!) Right!
NC (vo): So Elliot reveals that he was the original Rider and decides to ride with Cage, finally showing his true form. (Slade has turned to Rider form, his ride being a flaming skeletal horse) And if you thought that was cool, take a look at this fucking awesome visual! (The two Riders blaze through the desert on their way to San Venganza, leaving trails of fire behind!) By God, is that awesome! Only one thing can be missing from this. (The logo for Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell appears in the corner) There we go. God fucking yeah! Throw in four more flaming doves while we're at it, too!
(Only three flaming doves appear. The Riders pass by an iguana on a rock who burns up into a skeleton.)
NC: I'll...just assume he was an evil iguana.
NC (vo): So after just about the most badass build-up you've ever seen, it's time to deliver a badass climax of fiery Biblical proportions that these two--
Slade: This is the end of the trail for me.
Slade: I got nothing left. I could only change one more time and I was saving it for this.
NC (vo): Wait a minute. You didn't save it to help him battle evil to save the world? You saved it to be a cool-looking GPS? To quote Cage from an earlier scene...
Johnny: What's the matter with you?
Slade: I've been trying to make things right ever since.
Johnny: Thank you.
Slade: God knows I've made my share of mistakes.
NC: The most recent one being wasting that flaming horse thing.
Slade: Thank you, kid. (He tips his hat to Johnny and rides off)
NC (vo): (as Cage) Uh, yeah, if I need directions to an all-night Taco Bell, I'll be sure to summon your blaze again. Or if I ever lose my cell phone in the dark, I'll call upon your fiery glow once more. I won't just use a flashlight...or a lantern, which apparently, we're still using in this fucking dumbass universe! Starting to see why Stan Lee didn't cameo in this stupid piece of shit. (normal) So Cage suits up to...how'd Brendan Fraser in The Mummy put it again?
(Clip of The Mummy)
Rick O'Connell: Rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy and save the world.
NC (vo): Yeah, that...as he hands over the contract, but finds he can't become the Rider when the sun comes up. (Clip of the final battle between Blade and Frost in, well, Blade, is shown) So the badass in the cool coat fights the whiny, rebellious goth kid half his age as little demons fly into his body, making him the most powerful entity in the world--
NC: Oh, I'm sorry. I was reciting the climax to Blade, how silly of me. Here's the climax to Ghost Rider. The badass--
(The souls of the contract of San Venganza fly into Blackheart's body.)
NC (vo): --in the cool coat fights the whiny, rebellious goth kid half his age as little demons fly into his body, making him the most powerful entity in the world.
NC: God, silly me confusing the two!
(Blackheart has become even more demonic, now speaking with multiple voices.)
Legion: My name is Legion, for we are...many!
NC: (as Legion) And seeing how we are many, we all took a vote to see if we should talk normally, or stretch out our vowels. Like Darkheart! (normal) Okay, I need one of these. (he puts a quarter in a Darkheart jar this time)
NC (vo): So Cage tries to shoot him because, yeah, the most powerful thing in the world I'm sure can be stopped by a shotgun, which...actually he kinda can, weird. But he manages to get him in the shadows where his powers can still work.
Ghost Rider: A thousand souls to burn!
(Blackheart is now realizing he'll be suffering the Penance Stare!)
NC (vo): (as Blackheart) Oh, yeah, probably should've thought about that whole becoming a thousand souls in front of the guy who can kill a thousand souls. (Blackheart drops to the ground, his thousand souls burned) Whoops. (normal) So Cage axes him off as the Devil is pleased and offers him a chance to go back to normal.
Mephistopheles: You'll get your life back. The love you've always wanted. You can start a family of your own. Let someone else carry this curse. You're free now.
NC (vo): (as Cage) Must think of bullshit reason for sequel! Must find way to ditch girlfriend again!
Johnny: No. I'm gonna own this curse. Whenever innocent blood is spilt, it'll be my father's blood, and you'll find me there. The Spirit of Vengeance.
Mephistopheles: I will make you pay for this.
NC: (as Mephistopheles) I mean, you didn't put any emotion in that scene. I'm starting to wonder if we got the real Nicolas Cage!
NC (vo): This, of course, means abandoning his woman again, only this time, the reasons are...even kind of stupider.
Roxanne: This is what you always were meant to be. You got your second chance.
NC (vo): (as Cage) Don't worry, we'll meet under more embarrassing circumstances in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. (normal) And Cage rides off into the desert in the most cartoonishly weird way possible, which is very fitting, seeing how the rest of this movie was pretty much like one big cartoon.
(The camera zooms into Johnny as he rides off into the distance. The Looney Tunes theme comes up as the goofy faces he makes in this movie and Face/Off are shown.)
NC: So that was Ghost Rider and...when there was actual Ghost Rider in it, it was kind of cool.
(Clips of the movie play as he gives his closing summary)
NC (vo): Maybe I'm just a sucker for the visual, but every time that skull is onscreen, the movie seems like pretty badass fun. But in a surprising move, Cage really kind of underplays it, which at times can work to offset some of the strangeness.
(A clip is shown as a detective opens a lighter, making the flame shoot towards Johnny.)
Johnny: Okay, that was weird.
NC (vo): But most of the time, it's just boring. Maybe he was hoping the contrast of the visual to his monotone delivery would even it out, but if the movie wanted to be more fun, he should've played it like Castor Troy or one of his other over-the-top roles. This is just sort of underwhelming. The rest of the movie is all phoned-in comic book tricks. And not the fun, inventive ones, more of the ones you've seen a million times that the filmmakers think you're seeing for the first time for some reason. It's stupid, silly, clichéd, which is usually fine for a Cage film, but in this case, it was just boring. And it takes a lot of skill to make a character as cool looking as this boring. So, yeah, Mr. Director, go back to scaring us with your (poster of Jack Frost) creepy ass snowman, because this stinker sure ain't keeping anyone awake.
NC: Thanks for joining me for Nicolas Cage Month. I hope you enjoyed it, and... Well, there's only one person fit enough to exit us out. The big man himself, Sam Elliot.
(Cut to Sam Elliot mumbling his lines, of course)
NC: I couldn't have said it any better myself. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and a new year of madness is on the way!
(And we go to credits, but not before one more bit of Fluttershy.)
Fluttershy: And remember, kids... (she puts on sunglasses, then cut out to see she's in Flutterbat form and dressed like Blade, with Ghost Pony Rider next to her) Some motherbuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill!
(Flame around Ghost Pony Rider's skull turns blue before we go back to credits.)
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Johnny: What's the matter with you?