Ghost Rider 2 - Spirit of Vengeance
September 9th, 2014
(Cue the intro and theme song, then cut to NC)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it- (calm demeanor becomes angry) -BECAUSE YOU WON'T FUCKING SHUT UP!! I mean, by God, ever since I reviewed the first Ghost Rider movie, all you guys have been saying is "Review Ghost Rider 2! Review Ghost Rider 2! It's so much worse than the first one!" Well, fine, you... barking dogs of entitlement! (picks up the DVD) Here's the goddamn DVD! (picks up remote) Here's the goddamn remote! Let's goddamn watch it!
(NC plays the movie, but suddenly, we see static as Mike J appears on screen)
NC: By God, a British person!
Mike J: 'Ello, Critic.
NC: Mike J? From Shameful Sequels? Of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com? (pause and game show music starts with a picture of Mike J in the top right corner) Born in 1984, Mike J enjoyed a simple childhood of-
Mike J: Enough of that. Critic, I found a way to record myself onto every Ghost Rider 2 DVD in the world.
Mike J: Yeah, it was... actually quite easy.
Mike J: I've done it because no reviewer, not even the Nostalgia Critic, who has re-reviewed about ten films I reviewed, but we'll just ignore that all together, because I can let things go like that, should have to sit through this flaming skull of dog shit alone.
NC: Wait, how do you know everything I'm going to say?
Mike J: Because this movie is actually so repetitive and predictable, it's actually given me the ability to predict everything in the world which is mediocre.
NC: Wait a minute, that means you think I'm mediocre!
Mike J: Yeah, but you get the views.
NC: Oh, yeah? Well, if you think you can predict everything that's mediocre, predict how many fingers I'm about to hold up!
Mike J: One.
NC: (puts his hand back behind his back when he flips Mike J off) Again.
Mike J: One.
NC: (puts his hand behind his back again) Again.
Mike J: Two.
NC: (puts both his hands behind his back after flipping off) Again!
Mike J: An unopened Gameboy, a roll of Hello Kitty duct tape, and an Optimus Prime doll.
NC: (holds up all those items, pissed that Mike J guessed them all) GODDAMN IT!
Mike J: Trust me, Critic, you need help on this one.
(A guitar riff is heard as the title and clips from the movie play)
Mike J: (vo) Whereas the first film was underwhelming and silly, this one is painful and obnoxious. For every problem they try to fix from the last movie, two more just as ridiculous take its place. It's ludicrous, it's makes no sense, and it's a pain in the ass to sit through.
Mike J: Nobody, not even you, you re-reviewing prick, should review it on their own.
NC: You know, the only other issue I have, is that you're a Brit wanting to do a crossover. That might anger another Brit wanting to do a crossover.
Mike J: What, you mean Film Brain? Don't worry about him. He's gonna be out of commission for a while.
(Cut to Film Brain, crying in his bed, a Nostalgia Critic doll curled in his arms, while looking at a picture of Pinky and the Brain, as sad music plays)
Film Brain: (singing while crying) They're laboratory mice... Their genes have been spliced... They're dinky... They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brai-
(Cut back to NC and Mike J)
Mike J: So, Critic, are you ready to once again to see the hideous lengths Nicolas Cage is willing to go to for a paycheck?
NC: Isn't that the call of every Nicolas Cage movie?
Mike J: This is Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.
(Cut to the Columbia logo, which zooms out fast)
NC: (vo) And I hate it already. One second in. Gotta be a new record. That fucking fast speed editing! Do you really think you're audience is so A.D.D. that even the film logo is too slow for them to watch? Why don't you just speed up the whole fucking movie like- (cut to Nicolas Cage in the movie) (NC as Nicolas Cage) I was Ghost Rider! Bye! (cut to the film's end credits)
Mike J: Actually, that would've been better.
NC: (agreeing) Yeah, they probably should've done that.
NC: (vo) But nope, we get our drawn out movie, starting in the leftover castle from Bloodrayne, where a biker, played by Idris Elba, rides in.
Moreau: They found the boy?
Mike J: Oh, my God, it's Heimdall from Thor!
NC: No, it's not. It's just the same actor.
Mike J: No, all the Marvel movies must be connected! (pictures from various Marvel movies show) He came through the Rainbow Bridge (Bifrost) to have Ghost Rider join the Avengers! This created a time paradox, where The Human Torch became Captain America (showing Chris Evans who plays both Human Torch and Captain America), Bruce Banner would get plastic surgery, twice (showing Eric Bana, Edward Norton and Mark Ruffalo), and Howard the Duck would exist in a universe where he can actually be funny! (clip from Guardians of the Galaxy) Now what doesn't make sense about that?
NC: (thinking) ... Why Stan Lee was in Princess Diaries 2?
Mike J: Damn those movies! Always fucking up the Marvel canon!
NC: (vo) We see the rider, named Moreau, enter a monastery full of what I'm now considering the cinematic "kiss of death", Cybermonks, because they went over so well in two Dennis Rodman movies (movie posters of both films appearing on screen), clearly they've proven to pass the test of time!
Benedict: In a few days, the winter solstice will be past, and with it, the hour of the prophecy.
Mike J: (vo) The ministry is lead, oddly enough, by Rupert from Buffy, but bad guys break in, and try to tear the place apart.
(Various shaky clips play of the bad guys storming the monastery, as Moreau grabs a rifle from a dead gunman, and Nadya, and Danny try to escape)
Mike J: (vo) Good lord, was this whole scene shot by a bobble head doll?!
NC: Yeah, the camera person must have gotten off a Tilt-a-Whirl before shooting this scene!
(NC and Mike J both act dizzy while pretending to hold cameras)
Mike J: Wait, that's a cup. Where's my camera?
Ray Carrigan: Where are they?
(Benedict starts chanting)
Ray Carrigan: Shut up!
(Ray shoots Benedict through the head, and throws his body to the ground)
Mike J: (vo) So was it worth adding that extra zero in your check book to get Anthony Head for that role?
NC: (vo) To his credit, he did look eager not to be shot in this film.
(A rimshot is heard)
Mike J: (vo) The mother and her boy escape with the bad guys chasing them, but luckily, Moreau has a bullshit way to get rid of them.
(Moreau's bike hits a rail, and he goes flying into the air, dubbed over with the Goofy yell)
NC: (vo as Moreau) Thank God this part slowed down, so I can shoot the car easier.
(As the NC speaks, Moreau turns around in midair and shoots out the tires of the bad guys' car, in slow mode. The car flips on its side and heads towards the screen as the credits appear)
Mike J: (vo) We get our opening credits as Cage narrates the backstory, figuring you probably fell asleep during the first one and don't remember it.
(The film's opening is shown as Johnny narrates over it)
Johnny: (vo) I'm the guy who made the deal with the devil. Now I know what you're thinking, "doesn't this kid watch movies? Does this ever work out fine?" Let's just say good judgement was not exactly my forte.
NC: (vo as Johnny) I mean, have you seen my IMDB page? I-it's a train wreck.
NC: (vo) We then see Cage meet up with Moreau, who seems to be alive and uninjured.
Mike J: (vo) How the bloody shit is that possible?
Moreau: If not for the intervention of God.
(Cut to show Moreau hanging upside down in a tree as the French National Anthem plays. Mike J and NC are both speechless)
Mike J: Okay. The tree saving him is dumb enough, but why the hell did they play the French National Anthem?
NC: Maybe it was a French tree?
(Shows the scene again as NC dubs over it)
NC: (vo as a French tree) Bonjour, black man! I take it you are doing ze Tour de France.
Mike J: (vo) Moreau wants him to find the boy, who escaped earlier, and protect him; but Cage has reservations going after a child since the last time he tried to do that.
(Clip of Nicolas Cage screaming, burning inside the giant wicker man from Wicker Man)
Moreau: We are prepared to give to you the one thing you want most of this world. Bring us the boy and we will lift your curse.
NC and Mike J: Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt! (referencing BioShock Infinite)
NC: Ohhhh, I knew you were going to say that!
Mike J: (chuckles) Yeah, geeky minds think alike and all that. What's it from?
NC: (vo) So Cage agrees to the deal as the boy's mother, named Nadya, tries to schmooze over Horny McPerv here.
"Horny McPerv": I noticed you were... uhhhh... looking at me, yes?
Nadya: Was I?
"Horny McPerv": Are you Roma, Gypsy? I have a lot of money.
Danny: Hi, Mommy!
"Horny McPerv": (stammering) I, uh, I have to go.
(The words "cock blocker" appear onscreen as an announcer, voiced by Malcolm Ray, speaks)
Announcer: This has been another episode of Cock Blocker. Join us next time with a woman who can't stop talking about her genital warts.
(Danny takes "Horny McPerv's" wallet)
Mike J: (vo) Well, at least they're not enforcing the stereotype that all Gypsies are thieves.
(Shows the film speed up for a couple of seconds and then resume normal pace)
NC: (vo) What the hell?
Mike J: Oh, this is just all part of that hit and run editing.
NC: That what?
Mike J: Hit and run editing...
Mike J: (vo) ...where the director is so afraid to lose your attention, even for a second, that he'll speed up and slow down the film under the pretense that it's somehow artsy.
(As Mike J and NC speak, several scenes using the 'hit and run' editing are shown)
NC: (vo) Oh, my God, it's everywhere. Even in scenes where nothing's going on!
Mike J: (vo) Especially in scenes where nothing's going on. It's like the editor thinks that he's some sort of rock star and the fast forward button is his amazing instrument.
(Cut to Cutstorm, played Malcolm Ray, surrounded by fire)
Cutstorm: Behold, I am Cutstorm, and I will rock you with my extreme editing (speeds up a scene). Look at that. How did I do that? It's because I'm amazing. Now we're going to this shot! (speeds up another scene), or maybe we're going to this shot (speeds up a scene), maybe we're in three different shots at once (shows three different shots sped up at the same time) Wush wush wush, wushi wush wush wush (shows different shots sped up) How am I doing all of this? You will never know. It is the magic of Cutstorm. (The same scene from earlier of Moreau's bike hitting the rail with the dubbed Goofy yell is shown) Tune in next time as I improve the Great Gatsby, and submit Baz Luhrmann as not an annoying asshat. Cutstorm.
NC: (vo) But the bad guys catch up with them and hold them at gunpoint. But Cage arrives in time as the Rider to put a stop to it.
(Johnny, as The Ghost Rider, arrives and Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, from Animaniacs are heard singing)
Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: (singing): It's the Mr. Skullhead show, starring Mr. Skullhead.
(Ghost Rider vaporizes one of the bad guys and then stands there swaying)
Mike J: (vo) Um, did Ghost Rider get into the Ghost Hash before setting out on this mission?
NC: (vo as Johnny): Whoa, the wind is like the music man. I think my head is made out of reefer.
(One of the bad guys points his rifle at Ghost Rider as he turns around and rushes over to the guy with 'hit and run editing')
NC: (vo as Johnny) Hey, buddy! I can do this really weird thing, too; I'm Ghost Rider!
(Ghost Rider and the bad guy stare at each other)
Mike J: (vo) Hmmm... Ghost Rider seems a little slower and unusually distracted this time around. Is he trying to remember what he does?
NC: (vo as Johnny) Let's see, I'm supposed to do something...oh, yeah, scary, I'm really scary!
(Ghost Rider grabs the bad guy's head and then looks like he is in deep thought for a moment)
NC: (vo as Johnny) Whoa! Thought I heard a contract for Left Behind 2. All right, I'm scary again!
(Ghost Rider finishes the guy off and turns to see Ray Carrigan loading his rifle)
Ray: Get some!
(Ray shoots Ghost Rider and he crashes into the car)
NC: (vo) Really? That's your intimidating badass line? I've heard tougher things said on the X-Men Cartoon!
(Shows scenes from the X-Men Animated Series)
Cyclops: Of course. NOT!
(Cyclops raises his sunglasses and shots beams of red light from his eyes. Back to the film as Johnny is shown lying in a hospital bed)
NC: (vo) Cage wakes up in the hospital later because...though easily surviving jumping off buildings, getting hit by trucks and being blown up several times later, that little explosion apparently needed medical attention.
Nurse: You're very weird, mister.
Mike J: (vo) He finds the mother and they agree to partner up to find the boy. The boy's apparently been kidnapped by henchmen of the Devil, played this time by Ciaran Hinds.
(The devil's ringtone is then heard)
NC: (vo) (chuckling) I just love how that's the Devil's ringtone. I mean...the fucking Devil. The ruler of all darkness, the destroyer of everything good. His goddamn ringtone is..
(The ringtone is heard again)
NC: (vo) THAT! Why don't you just have fucking SpongeBob SquarePants while you're at it!?
(The pirate from SpongeBob SquarePants can be heard)
Pirate: (singing): Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Mike J: (vo) Well, it does kind of make sense, seeing as this whole scene is shot like somebody's slidescreen.
(The scenes keep on switching)
Devil: We had an agreement, Carrigan.
Carrigan: You told me to get a kid. Weird things, bad things.
Devil: Think of the child as a sort of computer.
Mike J: I feel like I'm watching a backwards episode of 24.
(The scenes carry on switching)
Carrigan: What's not to understand? I want more.
(A scene is then shown of Jack Bauer)
Jack Bauer: Just a couple other people that made a mistake.
(The scene then shifts back to Carrigan and the Devil)
Devil: Put the boy on the phone.
NC: (vo) Seeing how Ghost Rider can find anybody, the devil speaks some words into the boy's ear that summons something like a firewall. No, really, that's actually how they put it.
Devil: I just uploaded a little program. A...firewall. Our friend on the motorcycle won't be able to sense him now. Of course, he still may be able to find you, so, I suggest you keep moving.
Mike J: So, what was the point of the firewall?
(The scene then cuts to the two maids dancing in The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement)
Maids: (Singing) Sonnet les mantines, sonnet les mantines! (Take the pots off of their heads and bang them together twice) Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong!
Mike J: What was that?
NC: I don't know. I just cut to it when I have no answers.
Mike J: (vo) So, while looking for the boy, Cage finds out that the mother is...again, to quote how the film puts it.
Johnny: You're the Devil's baby-mama.
Mike J: (vo) Does that explain why this whole scene is shot with zoom-ins even though there is nothing going on?
Johnny: The guy who tried to kill you and blew me up, you were like boyfriend-girlfriend?
Mike J: (vo) Is it symbolic entertaining those who have the attention spans of babies?
(Cut to Mike J jangling his keys in front of the screen)
Mike J: Look, audience! Movement! It's okay! You don't have to be afraid! Look at the shiny!
NC: (vo) Cage also goes into detail about why the Devil may want to take human form.
(Pictures play of Ciaran Hinds, and then other forms like Vlad the Impaler, John Wayne Gacy, Joseph Stalin, etc.)
Johnny: Why does the Devil walk on Earth in human form anyway? I have no idea. He passes on from body to body, down through history, waiting for the perfect fit.
(Picture of Jerry Springer pops up)
NC: (vo) Oh, come on, movie! Out of all the funny people you could've put in there, that's the one you went with? (pictures play of Michael Bay, Mel Gibson, Alec Baldwin, etc.)
Mike J: (vo) Maybe it was to help the "devil baby-mama" line seem more credible.
(Picture of a man on fire shaking hands with another man)
Johnny: (vo) So he finds them and makes them, using his greatest power: the power of-
NC: Ripping off Pink Floyd album covers?
Johnny: (vo) The Deal.
NC: Oh. (beat) 'Cause you ripped off a Pink Floyd album cover. (picture of Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" album cover pops up. The picture of the devil making the deal and the Pink Floyd cover look the same) It's a touch distracting.
Mike J: It's kinda like having your deal picture look like this. (picture of Ariel from The Little Mermaid signing her contract with Ursula, who now has red skin, horns and a beard) It might ring a few bells.
(Cut to Nadya and Johnny interrogating Vasil, as Johnny starts to turn into Ghost Rider)
NC: (vo) The mother finds someone who might know where the boy has been taken, and...get ready, people: this is Nicolas Cage at his absolute... Cagiest.
Vasil: Hey, I've got what you need for those shakes, my friend.
(Johnny laughs hysterically, stuffing a cell phone in Vasil's mouth)
Johnny: Carrigan must've told you about that thing that killed his men last night, huh? Yeah?! Well, that thing is inside me! You see, you're a bad man, and this thing, the Rider, he feeds on bad men, and he's hungry! He's hungrier than he's been in years, AND THAT'S WHY I'M SHAKING!
NC: (vo) (as the director) Uh, Mr. Cage, none of this is in the script. You're supposed to just ask where the kid is and leave. We don't know what you're doing right now, but for the love of God, please don't hurt anybody.
Johnny: The only thing standing between you and the Rider is me! HE'S SCRAPING AT THE DOOR! SCRAPING AT THE DOOOOR!!
Mike J: (vo) I'm sorry. I was just doing my impression of Bobcat Goldthwait getting castrated again.
(Johnny laughs uncontrollably again)
Johnny: And when he's done with you, there won't be anything left. Do you understand?
NC: (vo) (as Vasil) (muffled) There's nothing left now! I'm invisible compared to your acting!
Johnny: I'LL EAT YOUR STINKING SOUL!! AH!! (Johnny's eyes become skull sockets. The Woody Woodpecker laugh plays)
Vasil: The quarry! He's putting together a goddamn army!
Mike J: (vo) After getting the location, Cage rides off into the night for some more too important mugging into the camera.
(Cut to Johnny screaming and taking on various facial expressions as he is transforming into Ghost Rider. NC and Mike J look on in awe)
NC: Okay, if this scene doesn't convince people that Cage literally wants to take the surgical procedures to become a cartoon character, I don't think anything will.
Mike J: No kidding, every single one of those faces could have their own cartoon show
NC: Right, let's see here...
(Shows the various faces Johnny makes as NC and Mike J pause on each face and name a cartoon show based around that face)
NC: It's Pumpkin Chipmunk: The most adorable jack-o-lantern to ever nibble your nauds.
Mike J: Coo-Coo Crazy: A cereal mascot, who gets coo-key, if he doesn't get his (picture of) sugar grams.
NC: Satany the Clown: Teaching how to make upside down crosses with construction paper.
Mike J: Ecsta-Steve: He's not on anything, he's just quirky, or at least that's what he tells his mum.
NC: Pervy Eyes: Say, is that five year old single?
Mike J: (picture of) Skeletor: Forcing half-naked men to be more open with their sexuality.
NC: And, of course...
(Devil Boner pops up)
Devil Boner: DEVIL BONER!!!!! (The screen explodes) I'M SNUGGLY AND SOFT!!!! My mom never loved me.
Mike J: (vo) He sneezes evil from his nostrils like squirting milk from your nose, allowing him to transform and find the boy.
(Cut to the quarry, where Carrigan and his men hear a strange machine-like howling)
Mike J: (vo) Before turning into a Decepticon apparently?
Henchman: What is it?!
Carrigan: I don't care.
NC: (vo) (as Carrigan) I'm just here to be the Deacon Frost villain that's in every David S. Goyer script.
(Carrigan fires a rocket launcher, as Ghost Rider rides into the quarry)
Mike J: (vo) But the grenades, unlike last time, don't seem to hurt him. They just seem to... do this to him.
(After the explosion, we see Ghost Rider spinning in mid air around in one place)
NC: (vo) (as Johnny) (singing) You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a lazy edited scene that makes no sense!
(They fire at Ghost Rider again and send him flying)
Mike J: (vo) Hey, I can see my former houses from here
(Ghost Rider crashes into the ground and it explodes)
NC: (vo) This leads to, and I'm not going to lie here, a pretty sweet scene where he transforms a crane into a giant flaming chainsaw.
(Scenes of Ghost Rider using the giant flaming chainsaw are shown, as NC looks on in awe)
NC: My God, I can feel my testicles getting bigger just by watching this.
Mike J: No, Critic, we must balance out such mindless violence.
Mike J: Right!
(NC and Mike an each grab a book to read, but NC can't resist looking)
Mike J: Ah-ah.
(NC goes back to reading his book)
Mike J: (vo) So after using Satan's weed whacker, Cage gets the boy to safety and starts to form a father-son bond with him. It's funny because the movie doesn't not only hide how bad they are doing at this, but they purposely draw attention to it.
(Johnny notices a father brushes his sons hair, and tries this with Danny, who pulls away)
Johnny: ... It was a bee. I thought it was gonna... sting your face.
NC: (vo) (as Johnny) I had a bee sting my face once, and now I look like a bloated Jon Voight.
Mike J: (vo) (as Danny) How'd that happen?
NC: (vo) (as Nicolas Cage) Well...
(We see a flashback to Wicker Man, and the infamous "Not the bees!" scene. Cut back to the scene, where Nadya joins Danny and Johnny, and Johnny starts drinking from a huge jug of water)
Mike J: (confused) I-It's funny because it's... a jug, and you don't usually drink from jugs, you drink from... cups? Is that the joke there? (beat) I don- Is this a new level of humor? They have just taken comedy and just taken it to a whole new level we just cannot comprehend. He drunk from a jug... Hah...
NC: (vo) So the Devil looks over what's left of his henchman, and brings him back as a burnt Matrix villain.
(Carrigan, now Blackout, rots away a piece of wood he was holding)
Devil: I've given you power. The power of decay.
NC: (vo) That's right, everything he touches literally decays.
Mike J: (vo) Now, wait, if everything he touches decays, then why don't his clothes decay? Why doesn't the truck he's driving decay? Why doesn't every step of ground he's on decay? Has the devil given any consideration for this guy in how he's going to live the rest of his life?!
(Cut to Blackout, played by Doug Walker, with a goth chick, played by Tamara)
Blackout: So, this is my pad, baby.
Goth Chick: I'm so glad we met in that Hot Topic.
Blackout: Yeah, seems to be the only place people talk to me looking like this.
Goth Chick: What do you say we take off all our clothes and compare who's whiter?
Blackout: Hmm, I think that's a good idea, baby- (places his hand on her, and in a puff of smoke, decays her down to a skeleton) Damn it! Happens every time! (sigh) Well, guess I can shake the pistol solo. (prepares to jack off) (puff) (looks down, and realizes with horror that he decayed his pistol off)
(Cut to commercial. After that, we cut back to Johnny and Danny riding on the back of a truck driven by Nadya)
NC: (vo) So seeing how Ghost Rider is the Devil's fallen minion and the boy is literally the spawn of all evil, obviously they're gonna have a lot of interesting things to discuss and figure out-
Danny: Hey, what if you have to pee while you're on fire?
Mike J: Or just ask stupid fan-boy questions.
(Johnny pretending that peeing as Ghost Rider is like shooting a flame-thrower. Danny laughs after imagining it)
NC: (vo) (as Fan-boy 1) Duh, what does your sperm look like when you're on fire?
Mike J: (vo) (as Fan-boy 2) Does it have a burn when you splooge?
NC: (vo) (as Fan-boy 1) Have you ever prematurely ejaculated when on fire?
(Cut to Johnny, played by Doug, and the goth chick, who's staring down at her lower regions which are burnt)
Johnny: Hey, I swear that never happens. I mean, you know, usually I stay in human form, but you know, every once in a while, you touch me a certain way, I just- (makes explosion gestures)- and you know, that happens. So, uh, bottom line, there's a phone over there if you wanna call 911 or whatever. I'm just gonna start, uh, scraping at the door... (Johnny starts jacking off) (puff) (Johnny looks down, and is horrified that he burnt his lower regions as well)
(Cut back to Johnny, Nadya, and Danny arriving at Moreau's monastery)
Mike J: (vo) They go to another temple of monks, with much less computers, because, as you can see, they wear their computers on their faces.
(The head monk, played by Christopher Lambert, lifts his hood)
Methodius: You musn't be afraid. It was God who led you here.
NC: (vo) (as Christopher Lambert) A bunch of assholes wrote on my face while I was drunk. This is what I get for challenging people to mortal combat with a K.
Mike J: (vo) Cage tells the boy that he is going to stop being the Rider, which pisses the boy off because...I don't know. They dicked around on a bike and made pee jokes.
Cage: It'll be all right, I promise.
(Translation: Have fun being kidnapped again)
Mike J: (vo) Moreau then shows Cage the way to exorcise the spirit out of his soul.
Moreau: The body of Christ.
NC: (vo as Johnny) Hmmm... God tastes old, bitter and stale.
Malcolm: (vo as Moreau) Spoken like a true Catholic.
(Johnny enters a cavern filled with light, as the exorcism of the Ghost Rider starts)
NC: (vo as Johnny, while rock music is playing) Whoah! God is awesome! I am totally wigging out on the body of Christ right now! This is scraping at the door action, man!
(Shows flashes of Johnny struggling on the ground)
Mike J: (vo) He wakes up on Tatooine to discover that the monks have plans to kill the boy because, apparently, that's a Christian thing to do.
Moreau: That boy is one if God's children!
Methodius: No! He's not.
NC: Don't make me play crossword with your face!
Mike J: (vo) But everything goes Calitico scope vision as Saber Puss (Blackout) comes to wipe them all out.
(Blackout kills Methodius by decaying him and gouging his eyes with two fingers)
NC: (vo) My God, he pick two'd him to death. He literally Moe'd (As in Moe of The Three Stooges) him down!
Blackout: Bet you're happy to see me.
Mike J: (vo) Our heroes escape their confinement, wherever it was, and they try to make their way to save the boy, who's going to out through the exact same plot as Ghostbusters 2, apparently.
Devil: This body I'm living in is dying. It was never made to do the things that I can do. But, you; you're only part human.
NC: (vo) You know...why does the devil always need a human body? Wouldn't he be more powerful without it? It just seems like it will slow him down.
Mike J: (vo) He's the all powerful lord of evil, and yet he admits it's a pain in the ass to stay human, so why do it?
NC: (vo) For that matter, why did he let the boy out of his sight for so many years? He's the Devil, he knows where everything is, he wouldn't lose him!
NC: Wouldn't it make more sense to hold onto him and raise him for evil?
(Screen transitions to Satan, played again by Malcolm Ray)
Satan: Actually, a little time away from your kids is not always a bad idea. I sent my little Evilina on a trip to Texas not to long ago.
(Satan's phone rings and he answers it. It's Evilina!!)
Satan: How are you doing down there, sweetie?
(Transition to Evilina, played by Rachel Tietz)
Evilina: Great, Daddy. I've just discovered how to cause the pain and suffering of others, simply by using my mind. Listen.
(Evilina closes her eyes and puts her finger against the side of her head. Cut to Angry Joe ranting about a video game)
Joe: And that's why this is the absolute worst!
(An airplane sound is heard as Joe looks up)
Joe: Oh, God, not again!
(Joe runs offscreen as a jet crashes near him, causing an explosion)
Evilina: (giggles) Did you hear that, daddy?
Satan: I sure did. Papa's very proud of you.
(As Satan talks, Joe is heard screaming)
Joe: (off screen) MY BASE! OH, MY GOD, MY BASE!!!!!
Satan: (hangs up and turns his attention back to the screen) They grow up so fast.
(Joe, offscreen, screams in agony. Back to the film)
Mike J: (vo) So the Devil calls a whole bunch of his wealthy followers. All arriving in black cars, of course.
NC: (vo) Well, of course, how else would we know they're evil?
Mike J: (vo) Well, maybe by the black robes they are all wearing, or the chanting in vague Latin.
(Scene of the black robes chanting)
NC: (vo) You know, I'm not going to lie: I would assume Satan, the lord of darkness, would have a few more followers than that. I mean, really, Smash Mouth has a better turnout than the unholy demon of life?
Mike J: (vo) Hey, give him some credit, he's been groaning and gasping all of his lines. I doubt they could even understand it was him to begin with.
(The devil looks over at Danny while the black robes chant)
NC: (vo) (as the Devil) (Popeye laugh) Agahgahgah!
(Johnny sneaks onto the stage. The devil and Danny are both on their knees, swaying back and forth as the chanting continues. The devil's shadow reaches over to Danny)
Mike J: (vo) Is there anyone in this movie who doesn't look like they're getting high at some point?
NC: (vo) Hey, at least they've got a good beat going there. Maybe we can mix in some "Scraping at the door" audio from earlier.
(Johnny's audio mixed in with the chanting)
Johnny: HE'S SCRAPING AT THE DOOR! HE'S SCRAPING AT THE DOOR! HE'S SCRAPING AT THE DOOR! HE'S SCRAPING AT THE DOOOOR!! I'LL EAT YOUR STINKING SOUL!! AH!! (Woody Woodpecker laugh)
(Moreau gets decayed by Blackout, but headbutts him before he dies)
Mike J: (vo) But Moreau, of course, being the black guy, has to sacrifice himself, meaning the boy is the only one left who can do anything.
(Danny walks up to Johnny)
NC: (as the Devil) Wait, am I you, or are you me? Am I half you, or are you half me?
NC: (vo) If you're half anything, and this isn't completely done yet, why am I letting walk up to this guy? (Danny jumps onto Johnny, breathing fire on his face and down his throat) It just seems like an ample chance to do... that.
(Johnny transforms, and turns all the black robes into ash with his Ghost Rider chains)
Mike J: (vo) The boy gives Ghost Rider his powers back, and takes all the evil souls to hell. But, to be fair, those people's only crime was chanting.
(Johnny's motorcycle transforms in front of Nadya. Then various clips play of the chase scene that follows)
NC: (vo) This, of course, leads to an exciting chase where the Devil has to drive a car- Oh, for God's sakes, WHY IS THE DEVIL DRIVING A FUCKING CAR?! HE'S THE DEVIL! HE SHOULDN'T BE RESTRICTED TO DRIVING A FUCKING CAR! WHY DO I KEEP SEEING HIM DO STUPID HUMAN THINGS?! HE'S NOT A HENCHMAN FROM AN EARLY '90'S COMEDY, HE'S THE FUCKING DEVIL!!
(Ghost Rider pursues the Devil and Danny in broad daylight)
Mike J: Wait a minute, in the first one, he lost his powers during the daylight, so why is he able to use them now?
(Cut to the two maids from Princess Diaries 2 again)
Maids: (Singing) Sonnet les mantines, sonnet les mantines...
Mike J: Okay.
(The henchman are driven off the road by Ghost Rider in a transformed truck)
NC: (vo) (as Johnny) Okay, not sure what I did there, but I'll take credit for it!
(Ghost Rider fights Blackout on the hood of a truck. Blackout starts to snuff out Ghost Rider's flames)
Blackout: I was never afraid of you!
(Ghost Rider reacts angry to this, as his flames return. Ghost Rider throws Blackout under the truck, killing him)
Mike J: (vo) Why would that make him angry? Does he have a part-time job as a haunted house ghost or something?
NC: (vo) If so, I think Nicolas Cage's regular face would be scary enough.
(Ghost Rider throws his chain under the devil's car, grabbing the axle and forcing it off the road, where it crashes and flips over and over)
Mike J: (vo) (as Johnny) Well, I'm sure I've broken every bone in that little boy's body. This calls for another jug of water.
(Ghost Rider grabs the devil, wrapping him in his chain and sending him flying into the air)
Mike J: (vo) Hey, I want a Ciaran Hinds kite!
Ghost Rider: GO HOME! (slams his chain down on the ground, sending the devil through the ground and back down to Hell)
NC: (vo) So he sends pussy devil back to Hell, gives his weird "Three Amigos" salute, and tells the boy he's okay.
(Nadya holding Danny's body in her arms)
Johnny: Moreau said the Rider was an angel... that went crazy! (laughs hysterically)
NC: (vo) Is there ever a moment for Nicolas Cage not to laugh?
Mike J: (vo) I vote no.
(Johnny uses the blue flames of the angel, Zarathos, to bring Danny back to life)
Danny: Did we win?
Johnny: I'm gonna say yes... Hell, yes!
(The Looney Tunes theme comes up as the crazy mugging Johnny did, plus his "Scraping at the door" audio, is played, along with the face he makes in Face/Off)
NC: So that was Ghost Rider: Spirit of Justice (Vengeance). And is it okay if I borrow a certain British phrase?
Mike J: Please do.
NC: FUCKING BOLLOCKS!
(Clips from the film play as NC and Mike J. give their closing thoughts)
NC: (vo) Some things are improvements from the last one, like Ghost Rider looks a little cooler, there's some good action, and Cage at least has some of his traditional freak outs. But it still makes no sense, is annoyingly shot, and all the characters are even more boring cut-outs than in the last film.
Mike J: (vo) There's not enough screen time with Ghost Rider, and even when he is there, he just sways, stares, or screams, and what fun is that? The editing is a constant pain in the ass, most of the jokes fall flat, and it's just all around awful.
NC: No debate here. Well, thanks so much, DVD recording of Mike J?
Mike J: Any time. Always happy to predict your mediocrity.
NC: British twit.
Mike J: Oh, by the way, look out for the Ghost Pony Rider cameo.
NC: What Ghost Pony Rider cam- (NC is trampled down by Ghost Pony Rider) (beat) I knew he'd get in there somehow. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves as we cut to credits)
(Post-credits scene; Jim Jarosz and Malcolm Ray sit on the couch and turn the TV on)
Malcolm: All right, let's watch some Ghost Rider 2. Ha-ha!
(Instead of it, we hear Mike J's recording for NC. The two men have "WTF?!" expressions on their faces)
Mike J: (off-screen) 'Ello, Critic. Enough of that. Critic, I found a way to record myself onto every Ghost Rider 2 DVD in the world. Yeah, it was... actually quite easy.
Malcolm: Is that... Cage?
Jim: I think so.
Jim: Was he always British?
Malcolm: Eh... Yeah, not a lot of people know that.
Mike J: (off-screen) One. One. Two. (on-screen) An unopened Gameboy, a roll of Hello Kitty duct tape, and an Optimus Prime doll.
Malcolm: Well, if he doesn't blow up something soon, I'm just gonna start reading my Jane Austin. (shows a Jane Austin book)
Mike J: (off-screen) Nobody, not even you, you re-reviewing prick...
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Johnny: You're the devil's baby-mama.