Announcer: And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Godzilla."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Mimics Godzilla scream as red text appears saying "SPOILERS!")
There's this guy called Breaking Malcolm's Dad.
And he's upset because his wife was killed by a monster fart!
So, years later, his son grows up and starts a family with the good acting Olsen sister.
No, not that one.
No, not that one.
Yes! The one you didn't even know existed!
But the son has to go to bail out Breaking Malcolm's Dad because he keeps getting arrested.
But he convinces his son that the monster fart is what destroyed their old home!
So they travel to their old home, but they're picked up by the Japanese police.
And instead of taking this man who suspects there's a monster to jail, they take him to the monster!
Hey, does that mean if I keep looking for a mountain of heroin, someone will eventually take me to it?!
(Holds up hand) Don't burst my bubble. Let me dream.
So they reveal that all this time those tremors and earthquakes were actually the Cloverfield monster!
Yeah, I'm sure he has a confusing Japanese name I can't pronounce. That's why I'm calling him the Cloverfield monster!
So the Cloverfield monster gets loose and kills Breaking Malcolm's Dad.
And the son is like, "Father, how could this happen? You were in all the trailers!"
"It's because they put 'And' in front of my name." "What?!"
"In a monster movie, anytime somebody has 'And' in the credits, it always means they're going to die."
"But you're not dead."
"Watch me." (Dies with tongue out as beep is heard)
(Shakes fists) "Damn you, predictable opening credits!"
So the scientists gather all the discs that Breaking Malcolm's Dad had at the old place.
But they still need more information, so they ask the son!
"Son of Breaking Malcolm's Dad, do you have any information he said that could help us?"
"Well, he does have an entire house in Tokyo that has newspaper clippings and all this information listed everywhere."
"No no, that's too specific. We need a really vague, short clue."
"Well, he did say the monster was talking."
"That's it! Let me consult with my other scientists through some science jargon that you will never understand."
(Back and forth simultaneously) "Science, science, science, science, science, science, science, science, science, science!"
But humanity might have one hope.
Years ago, a giant dinosaur who didn't get the letter that he was supposed to be extinct stayed around.
They tried to use the A-bomb to destroy him, but that only made him mad.
And the Japanese scientist calls him (intensely) "Godzilla."
A name so recognizable that it will immediately make you laugh every single time somebody says it in the movie.
"What is the location of Godzilla? *Chester stifles a laugh* What's so funny?"
"It's just... *shrugs* I don't know."
So, as the Cloverfield monster is destroying one of the Hawaiian islands--
The one filled with kids that just stare blankly at something with no emotion when something big and bad is happening.
(Stares blankly) "...Monster."
--Godzilla finally arises from the ocean!
Tons of people are being drowned just from him stepping up!
Every footstep he takes practically blows up something!
He lets out his trademark, awesome scream! (Mimics it as before)
And then...it cuts to the aftermath.
(Screams, then goes "Huh?")
Yeah, we don't see him fighting or doing anything cool. We just sort of see the aftereffect of him fighting and doing all the cool stuff.
...Well, i-it's not like that was especially important in a Godzilla movie!
Especially when we see an even bigger, badder Cloverfield monster is coming in Nevada!
That's right! (holds up fingers) Three monsters in this movie! Triple the carnage!
(Mimics stomping) We see her going towards Reno!
All the people in the casinos look afraid!
And...we cut to the aftermath.
(Screams, then goes "Huh?")
Oh no, look at all those cool, awesome destruction-y things we didn't see happen.
Here's five seconds of it on the news.
But it's okay! I'm sure they're building up to something really, really big!
Like GPS: The Movie.
"The monster is going here."
"Well, then we should go here too!"
"The other monster is going that way."
"Well, send some guys to go that way too!"
"Our main character wants to go home."
"Well, put him on this mission first! We're not going anywhere until we find a Godzilla movie!"
So the main character tries to fight the monster on a bridge...which is so much more interesting than seeing them fight in a city?
But then the Japanese scientist warns them!
(In Japanese accent) "You should not do anything. You should just let the monsters fight and let nature take its course. Everything will be fine!"
"You know, Godzilla just ripped up the Golden Gate Bridge while we were evacuating a city filled with schoolbuses that had a bunch of little, tiny children in them."
"That's because you were trying to evacuate the city! If you just do nothing, everything will be fine."
"Yeah, but that city we're evacuating? The two monsters are now using it as a nest and destroying every single possible building in sight."
"As long as you don't use any man-made weapons on him..."
"Yeah, because if we didn't do that, millions of people would still be alive?"
"Hey! If you want to make an omelette--"
"You're a terrible person."
So Godzilla finally meets up with the two Cloverfield monsters!
They stare each other down getting ready to fight!
And this time they don't cut to the aftermath! (pauses) They cut to something totally different!
People trying to figure out how to destroy the monsters, because clearly we haven't seen enough of that yet!
You know, I never liked those Godzilla movies where you see him destroying stuff, breathing fire, and fighting other monsters!
I always said they should throw in panning to a bunch of people talking about how they're gonna stop the incredible thing that's happening off-screen!
They should rename this movie "People Yelling at Each Other and Godzilla, Maybe."
But Godzilla gets exhausted from all the not-action going on.
So he falls to the ground, and our main character is like, "By God, I feel so bad for a character that's gotten even less screentime than my father!"
(Godzilla scream with red text saying "I'm Dead.")
"Oh yeah, sure, you're really dead."
(Godzilla scream with red text saying "No, for Reals.")
"No, yeah, I believe it. The first reboot of Godzilla in so many years - I bet you're really dead."
(Godzilla scream with red text saying "Can't Hear You. Dead.")
"Whatever. I'm gonna do the thing all these movies do: Gonna get myself in trouble with the other monster and then you're gonna save me at the last minute. Deal?"
(Godzilla scream with red text saying "Tell My Wife I Love Her.")
"And I don't give a crap." (leaves)
So in the last few minutes, we finally get some monster fighting in this movie!
All shot at night in the dark with a bunch of smoke where it's really hard to see.
And Godzilla does (holds up hand) five cool moves, and then falls over dead again.
(Godzilla scream with red text saying "I'm Dead Again.")
"Whatever. I have some Olsen ass to find."
So our main character is reunited with his family, Godzilla gets up to go into the ocean, and the headline reads "Godzilla: Our Savior?"
Well, of course our savior! What kind of savior wouldn't drown thousands of people in Hawaii or kill dozens more on the Golden Gate Bridge?
It's what Jesuszilla would do.
So, if you like Godzilla movies with little to no Godzilla in it, then this movie is for you!
What'd ya say, Godzilla?
(Godzilla scream with red text saying "I Need a Better Agent!")
Quiet, or I'll team you up with Matthew Broderick again!
(Looks down as scream goes quieter)
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I promise you'll see more of him in the sequel! I even hear Cthulhu has a two second cameo.