And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Gravity."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(pretending to be on an intercom) Houston, we have (looks at the camera) SPOILERS!
There's this woman in space.
And she is joined by (holds out one hand) George Clooney (and the other) and Red Shirt.
And they're out there fixing Pointless Space Thing.
But then Houston is like:
"Astronauts, we have a ton of debris heading your way."
(as an astronaut) "Oh my God, is that gonna be a problem?"
"(blows raspberry) With all our high-tech machinery down here, don't ya think we'd be able to tell if there was gonna be a problem- (notices something bad on a screen and looks down) OH MY GOD, THAT'S A PROBLEM!"
So the astronauts are trying to dodge all this space debris.
And Astronaut Bullock is like:
"It's okay! We still have time! As long as our Red Shirt guy is still alive, it won't come after us!"
(facing screen right, Chester is hit in the back by a CGI rock and falls down)
"Oh my God, it's gonna come after us!"
(as Astronaut Matt Kowalsky) "Don't you worry. I'm George Clooney (quick splice cut of "Bullock") with a rocket pack, and I will fix everything."
"You seem unrealistically calm and cool through all this."
"If you were George Clooney with a rocket pack, you would be, too."
But it turns out Astronaut Bullock is kinda right, and they are really screwed!
(as Bullock) "I'm running out of oxygen."
(as Clooney) "Don't worry. There's, like, a bajillion space stations conveniently near us."
"But what if those convenient space stations have a ton of unconvenient things about them?"
"It'll be alright because I'm still George Clooney with a rocket pack."
So they bump into one of the space stations.
And I don't mean "come across;" I mean, "bump." I mean, they should call this: "Bumping: The Movie."
But then Astronaut Clooney is about to be bumped into space, but Bullock saves him!
(as Bullock with right hand stretched out in front of him) "I got ya! I'm not gonna let go!"
(as Clooney with left hand stretched out in front of him) "You have to because that lasagna holding you to the spaceship won't last."
"Will I ever see you again?"
"If convenient symbolic writing will let me. Who's directing this picture, anyway?"
"The guy who did one of the Harry Potters."
(letting go and moving backwards) "I'll definitely be baaaaaack."
(pretending to be adrift) "I'm George Clooney in a rocket pack."
So Astronaut Bullock is like:
"I have to get inside this thing and figure out how to get home!
"But first, I must take part in a Rebirth Metaphor."
(cut to Chester in the fetal position lying on the ground with the caption "Rebirth Metaphor"; sad stock snyth violin music plays for a few seconds)
"That was fun,"
So, unfortunately, the space station she's on is on fire.
I was on fire once!
Never juggle torches with Courtney Love.
But she figures out it's okay because there's another space station over there.
(brings up his arms) HOORAY!
(brings down his arms) Space sucks.
But she climbs inside the space station and is like:
(wearing a headset) "I hear the radio signals of an Asian man talking to his dogs and baby.
(screaming into the microphone) HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!"
And back on Earth, the guy is like:
(holding a "baby") "Why did my baby's first words sound like a screaming astronaut in space?"
So Astronaut Bullock decides, "Maybe today is a good day to die."
(puts down the headset and folds his arms in front of his chest) "There's no point in calling for help anymore. I'll just let death take me. ... (quickly grabs the headset) Oh, one more time. SOMEBODY PLEEEEEEEASE!!!!"
(as Asian man) "Uh, Mom, I think baby either needs doctor or therapist."
But then, (twiddles his fingers) the ghostly apparition of George Clooney appears. (pauses) No, really, that happens.
And Ghost Clooney is like:
"Oooooooh, I'm Ghost Clooney."
(as Bullock) "Have you come to give me hope in my desperate time of need?"
(this is all done fast: he holds up a bottle but quickly notices Bullock, waves her off, and gives her a "thumbs up") "Here's the vodka. Uh, what? Oh, yeah, uh, go on living! Uh, you're a good kid."
"I will, Ghost George Clooney!"
(drinks his vodka while walking away) "Mmm-hmm."
"But wait! How can we submit that you're a spiritual aberration (cut to Clooney walking backwards into shot and finishing his vodka) and not just a figment of my imagination, (cut to Bullock) not keeping it open to interpretation but instead clarifying that another world exists?"
(without looking, he presses a button at the camera) "This button gets you home."
"There's no way I could have known that!"
(walks out of shot, waving to us) ":Ghosts are reeeeal..."
So Astronaut Bullock pushes the button to get her back home.
But the shop starts burning apart, falls in the water, and is on fire again!
OH MY GOD! Why does the universe hate Sandra Bullock?!
Okay, the Miss Congeniality movies were pretty bad, but she made up with it with The Heat!
Oh, and speaking of heat, GET OUT OF THAT FIRE, SANDRA BULLOCK!
"Woo! Hot potato! Hot potato!"
So she swims out of the ship...
Reaches the surface...
And crawls onto land.
(as Bullock, pointing and looking off screen-right) "Oh, look! An Asian male with a baby and two dogs!"
(as Asian male) "AAAAAAHHH!"
"What'd I say?"
So Gravity was really intense and a really great movie!
And it's definitely teached me a very valuable lesson. [should be "taught," Chester - ed.]
NEVER GO INTO SPACE!! It is the scariest place in the world!!
There's nothing but stations that don't work and poorly rehashed Star Trek sequels!
I'd be safer sleeping in a snake pit!
Which, by the way, lets you take free souvenirs. (looks into his coat) Isn't that right, Charlie? ("snake" hisses)
This is Chester A. Bum- OWWW!,(the "snake" has bitten Chester) OW, CHARLIE, LET GO! LET GO! OW, (cut to black) CHARLIE! CHARLIE! (the "Thank You" caption fades in) Don't make me take your other eye! God! Why does nobody wanna help when I say I have a one-eyed snake trying to kill me?! (fade out as normal ending resumes)